


but we sing it anyway

by KaoticFive (SpaceDisgrace), SpaceDisgrace



Series: It's an old song [1]
Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: 5am, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mute Runner Five, Mutual Pining, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, Slow Burn, Sort Of, but don't worry cuz character development is a thing, five is kind of a dick for the first few chapters, i have proofread but i'm a dumbass so probs still got mistakes, more like Five and Sam don't really like each other at the start, season one spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:41:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 39
Words: 171,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24699238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceDisgrace/pseuds/KaoticFive, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceDisgrace/pseuds/SpaceDisgrace
Summary: "Sam Yao didn’t so much fall in love as he did climb into it.He didn’t trip and find he was suddenly enamoured with them, nor did he plummet into a dramatic ocean of emotions, drowning in oh so many feelings. Not it wasn’t quite that dramaticSam stepped.Subtle step after step he climbed a tower so slowly, he wasn’t even aware he was climbing. Not until, after climbing felt as natural as breathing, Sam finally looked down at the gaping abyss beneath him, the roaring space, the emptiness, and realised that damn, yeah this is an issue.Sam didn’t fall in love, Sam stepped, and he liked it better that way."Otherwise known as how 5am progressed throughout the game with a lot of Orpheus and Euridice vibes. Mostly canon compliant. COMPLETED FIC
Relationships: Runner Five/Sam Yao
Series: It's an old song [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857820
Comments: 350
Kudos: 172





	1. Any way the wind blows

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, Ch1-2 takes place during the 5K training, so if you haven't listened to that this may not make sense. Skip to chapter three (once that's posted) to start from season 1 ep 2 - I hope you enjoy!

_Sam Yao didn’t so much fall in love as he did climb into it._

_He didn’t trip and find he was suddenly enamoured with them, nor did he plummet into a dramatic ocean of emotions, drowning in oh so many feelings. Not it wasn’t quite that dramatic_

_Sam stepped._

_Subtle step after step he climbed a tower so slowly, he wasn’t even aware he was climbing. Not until, after climbing felt as natural as breathing, Sam finally looked down at the gaping abyss beneath him, the roaring space, the emptiness, and realised that damn, yeah this is an issue._

_Sam didn’t fall in love, Sam stepped, and he liked it better that way._

* * *

Five tied her hair back with her yellow ribbon as she waited for the doctor and the Sam lad to stop their playful bickering and actually tell her what to do next in the training.

She didn’t like Sam, she knew the type, nerdy science bro with a penchant for being overbearing and over-talkative. Yeah…she didn’t like him. His type was the kind to talk over her in the lab, his type was the kind who called her bossy for putting forth her ideas or would repeat them louder and gain the credit instead, hiding behind false niceness and relentless optimism. His type was exhausting.

Five didn’t like Sam. But he had saved her life, so she couldn’t be too cruel.

Not that she overtly was, she just didn’t care. Admittedly it was getting harder and harder to care about anything. Sleep was a habit, not something she really felt an impulse to do, eating was just a way to keep people off her back for lack thereof. Not that anyone cared, but it was just a precaution.

She was helpful out of habit now too, and less on a sense of helpfulness for helpfulness sake. So, when Janine cornered her in the galley that morning with talk of _pulling weight_ , and _earning keep_ , and _rebuilding a better future_ , Five jumped at the chance to become a runner. It’ll help, helping is useful, helping is a habit. If anything, it’ll keep her out of the way until Mullins sends someone to pick her up.

“Okay, Runner Five…you sure you’re okay with being called that?” Maxine asked.

Five waited patiently.

“Right yeah, sorry forgot about the-,” Maxine coughed awkwardly. “Okay, well – runner Five – Janine wants you to fill the role of runner whilst you’re here, but before we send you out we need to make sure you’re up to scratch, so I’m going to run through some tests today and from there I’ll assess what training we’ll have to put you through.”

“She’s gonna make you do a fitnessgram pacer test thing.” Sam butt in, voice high with excitement, Five resisted the urge to pull the headset away from her ear. “We don’t have the tape though so you’re spared that, I could do the voice if you like, try and make it more authentic.” Sam cleared his throat. “'The fitnessgram pacer test is a multi-',”

“Yeah…maybe not Sam.” Maxine interrupted. “Mullins radioed in your details, well, what little there is,” some paper rustled as Maxine made an amused noise. “They called you _Freckles_?”. Sam snorted.

Five looked to the nearest camera of the training ground and gave it a dead look.

“Okay…won't be calling you that then,” Maxine said. “Right, well you passed all the military fitness, if it weren’t for being non-verbal they said they would have actively recruited you.” Five started to kick the dirt on the ground, a little annoyed at having to hear her records again. “So this test should be easy for you, I want you to run a five K as fast as you can, give it all you’ve got, don’t worry if you gotta stop and walk, just run around the track at your best speed and I can decide what to do from there… I’ll use the time to uhh, read over the rest of the notes.”

“And,” Sam exclaimed, voice crackling at being too loud “I have acquired some tunes to play so you won’t be running in silence with just your own thoughts for company.”

_It’s my lucky day._ Five thought as she readied herself on the start of the track.

“Okay, Runner Five, whenever you’re ready, I’ll start the clock when you go,” Maxine said.

Five broke into a sprint.

Five was good at running, she was always good at running, even when she was little she wanted to run everywhere, not that she was allowed to mind you, but the sentiment was there. Maxine reminded her she could slow down, and Five nearly snorted. She sped up.

_Just run. Just keep moving, breath with your steps and stop thinking._

After a moment of them realising she wasn’t going to slow down, Sam hummed and the headset fizzled, a steady beat of the first song coming on…

_Damn did this boy have bad taste in music._

But it was better than silence she supposed.

Maxine announced her time, and Five slowed to a stop. Her time wasn’t her best, but nowhere near her worst. She could go for more. Alight with energy Five bounced on her feet waiting for more instructions, shaking her hand nervously.

“Okay…well I don’t need to train you up to run.” Maxine said.

_No shit._

“But you still need specialist training, I’ll make up a schedule for you, should take a month to complete, maybe two.”

Two months? That couldn’t be right. Five stared at the camera, putting her hands on her hips. She wasn’t supposed to be here for more than two months, it was a simple supply mission. If it took her two months to train, she’d be gone by the time they could use her.

“Is there a problem with that?” Maxine asked.

“Damn!” Sam exclaimed. “Oh yeah, sorry, forgot to say that Janine told me to tell you that Mullins has decided to not send anyone out for you, something about not risking another chopper after what happened to yours”

Five didn’t want to think about it.

“They’re sending no one?” Maxine asked.

Five sniffed. Disappointing but unsurprising. What need did Mullins have for her, project greenshoot had just been a way to get her out of their hair for a few months whilst they dealt with more important things.

“Right yeah.” Maxine caught on. “Yeah, it seems you’re going to be with us for a while.”

Five sighed. Great, just great. At least Abel was small enough that she could easily avoid people.

Maxine rustled more papers. “So… the next test?”

* * *

There was a buzz to the galley that evening, not only had Simon found a working freezer with a good amount of frozen pizza in some run down corner shop, but the hundred-and-fifteen people in Abel always buzzed when someone new turned up. Too bad that someone new was someone Sam didn’t really want to fuss over.

He was sure she was perfectly nice, maybe, she did have a wicked glare, but it was more of how quickly she just came in and replaced _her._

It wasn’t the new runner’s fault. He had been the one to call her Five, so really, he should be blaming himself. But when she was just a blur on the screen, he found a part of him wanted to pretend it was Alice. They had similar speeds, similar dodging techniques, calling them Five felt right.

And then he saw the new runner on camera.

They looked very much alike. Sure, Alice had darker skin and her hair was a little curlier, but the size and build were the same, the jaw was the same, fuck, even the way they stood with their hands on their hips was the exact same. Alice was friendlier though. Far friendlier. The new runner looked about ready to murder someone for breathing too loud.

He had assumed the new runner would just have another name he could use - you know, like a normal person - whilst getting used to having _another_ Five. But she seemed adamant on being only called Five, and Sam wasn’t sure he liked it.

It wasn’t her fault, not really, he couldn’t blame her for his own issues, that just wasn’t fair on her. Didn’t make the issues go away though.

His brain started to burn again. It was becoming more frequent, the fuzziness, the restless energy, the feeling like his whole head was on fire.

Times like this he just wanted to curl up in his bunk and forget the world. But curling up in the foetal position wasn’t really an option anymore when he had people relying on him. He still wasn't used to that.

Sam took a deep breath and plonked his plate down next to the new runner, going through his usual ritual of integration.

“Anyone sitting here?” He asked, plastering on a smile he definitely wasn’t feeling.

She shook her head and scooted up a bit.

“How’s your first day in Abel been?” He asked, waving over some of the other runners. “Sorry we didn’t have such a huge welcome party, but we figured after crash landing you might want to keep things, like, chiller.”

She shrugged, turning back to her plate and poking at her pizza slices. She gestured at it.

“What?”

She picked up the pizza and put in on his plate.

“Oh…” he blinked. “You don’t want it?”

She shook her head and started on her vegetables. She avoided eye contact like the grey plague, it almost came of as arrogant, but he was trying to reserve judgement at this point.

The table shook as Simon slid into the bench on the other side, with Evan, Maggie, and Jody next to him.

“This the new runner, Sammy?” Simon asked. “No one told me she was this pretty.” He winked at her, she scowled back.

_Yeah, wicked glare._

Jody groaned. “Ignore him, he’ll flirt with anything that looks vaguely human.”

“Yeah once saw him make eyes at a zomb.” Maggie said.

"In my defence, he would have been very handsome if he wasn't missing half his face." Simon said.

“I’m Maggie by the way, runner six. Small one is Jody, four. Big boy here is Simon, three, and this is-,”

“Evan Deaubl.” Evan said, reaching across the table to shake Fives hand. “Runner seven, head of runners, unofficially.” 

“You love it really, Sev.” Simon said.

Five gave them a closed-lip smile then turned back to her meal, the moment turning awkward when she didn’t offer her own name nor make any indication she was interested in their presence.

“It’s true, you really don’t speak.” Simon blurted. Jody whacked him in the side. “Ow…what, it’s not like we can pretend she don’t.”

Five raised a brow.

“Well, we don’t need you to speak to be a good runner.” Evan declared, watching Five’s face intently.

“Hear that Simon,” Sam took a mouthful of his pizza. “You don’t need to speak to be a good runner.”

“Yes, I don’t disagree.” Simon said, still rubbing his side. “Also don’t speak with your mouth full, dear.”

“Meaning you could stand to speak less.”

Simon kicked him under the table. “Oy, don’t be a twat.”

Jody and Maggie exchange a few looks, it seemed that whatever questions they had prepared died rather quickly at the confirmation of Five’s lack of talking. Instead, the group broke into their own conversations, Five no longer part of them.

Sam tried to include her, but it was difficult when she didn’t know the context nor could she add more to it. When Five took her plate to clean and left without a goodbye he wasn’t the only one who felt the air of relief wash over the group.

“I wonder how she got those sick scars.” Jody lowered her voice like Five was still there. “I mean, they ain’t just some run of the mill apocalypse scars.”

“It doesn’t do well to speculate.” Evan reprimanded.

“No but it’s fun.” Maggie added.

“Three cans of peaches say it’s a car accident, they look older than z-day.” Simon said.

Maggie shook her head. “Nooo, I bet she got them when shit went down, in a plane crash or something.”

“You can’t crash out of the sky twice in your life, that’s just unrealistic,” Jody said.

Simon nodded. “Agreed, which is why car accident is still the best bet.”

“Do we know where she’s sleeping?” Evan asked, changing the subject.

“Janine’s put her in the bunk opposite mine, next to Jody’s,” Sam said. Bunks were barely more than tarp used to section of a small space in the larger tents so each individual could have a tiny space to call their own. A very small space, no more than enough room for a sleeping bag and pillow.

Jody smiled. “Ahhhh, I wondered who had moved in, you know she sleeps with a teddy right?”

“Jody, it doesn’t do well to be snooping around other people’s stuff,” Evan said.

“I wasn’t snooping,” Jody said, gesturing wildly with her fork. “She left the bunk open when she went to the bathroom this morning. I can’t help it if I saw what was inside.”

“A teddy huh?” Simon said. “What kind of teddy?”

“Just a teddy bear, like, I think it’s a build-a-bear one, my cousin had the same one when he was a kid.”

“Bit weird,” Simon said.

Maggie shrugged. “Not really.”

“Aww, Maggie, do you cuddle up to a teddy at night too,” Simon said. “I know something you might like better to cuddle with.”

Maggie snorted. “In your dreams.” She started to pile up everyone’s empty plates. “And anyway, with how shit everything is, so what if she wants to hug a teddy as she sleeps, who are we to judge?”

“Well said.” Evan stood, helping her with the plates. “It must be lonely not being able to speak.”

Simon leaned back on the bench. “Well, she doesn’t help herself, maybe if she stopped scowling-,”

“I think that was just directed at you, Si.” Sam interrupted.

“Rude.” Simon thought for a moment. “But probably true.”

* * *

The people at Abel were insidious. Okay maybe not insidious, that was a tad too harsh, but they were goddamn nosey.

Mullins wasn’t like this. At Mullins, if you wanted to disappear, you could just disappear. Put your head down, do your work, follow orders. There was none of this socialising and community nonsense.

_It’s not nonsense._ A small part of her said. She ignored it, slamming down the axe to break apart the wood. _There was a time you liked people._

Yeah, before people now either ate you or killed you.

The only one in Abel with any sense was Janine. And this Runner Eight everyone kept talking about but Five had yet to meet.

But everyone and their grandmother in Abel township took it upon themselves to put their fingers in as many pies as they could. And she was apparently the most interesting pie on account of being shot out of the sky.

God, Five would kill to have a warm apple pie right now.

She shivered a little as she worked, autumn setting in, the air getting that crisp feel that made her think of back-to-school and Halloween.

She wondered if the people in Abel were going to have Halloween celebrations. She blanched, of course they would. She’d only been in Abel a little over two weeks and she already got a good grip of its cast of colourful characters.

They would have Halloween, and they were going to be _very_ into it.

_You could join in. You were into Halloween too._

Five slammed the axe hard into the wood.

“You look like the wood offended you personally.” A voice called. “Remind me to avoid you and that axe when you’re in a bad mood.”

Five resisted the urge to groan, barely turning her head to look at Sam as he hovered at the edge of the clearing, he had that restless tiredness to him that made him fidget with the hem of his orange hoodie whilst also looking like he could pass out for three days.

Didn’t he lose someone recently? Had to be tough.

She shrugged and levelled up the next piece of wood as he took an awkward step forward.

“I was wondering if I could come out training with you today.”

Five cut the wood in half, then turned, giving him a puzzled look.

“I just need some fresh air.”

Five pointedly looked around.

“Yeah, yeah, I know technically the air here is fresh, well most air is fresh now, one good thing, air pollution is a thing of the past right." He trailed off after catching her expression. "But…I mean…outside the walls, you know, away from Abel.”

_Suspicious_. Five thought. Sam squirmed under the silence.

“Janine said I could if someone accompanied me.”

_And so, you want me to accompany you?_ Surely Sam had far better options. Like someone who actually enjoyed his company, which was anyone other than her apparently. But even if Five could offer an excuse, she didn’t have one, so she nodded, turning back to her work.

“Oh…um, okay…thanks, I’ll see you at the gate.”

* * *

This was a bad idea. This was a very bad idea. Sam didn’t like leaving Abel, it made his stomach turn and his head pound. But he had this feverish need to find it, to just find something. And Five was running drills on how to deal with uneven terrain and closed quarters. In the same place they shot _her_ down.

He hadn’t slept much, and in all honesty, he couldn’t remember his waking hours either at this point. Autopilot, that’s what it was, autopilot. It’d been three weeks since she died, and he was just sort of existing at this point. Existing and thinking and thinking and thinking and-

He’d tuned out Maxine a while ago, offering a few mumbles here and there that everything was great and dandy and swell and awesome. And Five…well, there was a reason he came out with Five.

The others were all very attuned to him, one weird sniff and they were fussing over him, even Simon was mothering him into suffocation. He just needed space, and freedom, and that goddamn wallet.

But the new Five didn’t like him, so why would she care what he does whilst she trains? It should have gone perfectly. He’d make a run for it, she’d just do that apathetic shrug she does and by the time they had to go home he’d be back, and she couldn’t care any less about what he did.

It was airtight as far as plans went.

_Actually_. Sam thought. _It was the best plan I had in a while._

He hadn’t expected her to bolt after him when she noticed he made a run for it.

He had a head start and she still made overtook him, walking backwards as he barrelled forward, grabbing his arm to stop him.

Alice was like that, Alice was that fast. Alice was fast and good and dead. And very dead and-

“Sam, what the hell?” Maxine yelled down the headset.

Sam shrugged out of Five’s grip, scanning the clearing for any indication she was here.

Five looked pissed, but frankly, he couldn’t care, he had to find it he had to find something.

There. Her wallet, laying between some shrub. Sam shoved Five aside, skidding to his knees, digging the wallet out of the dirt, feeling the dampness of it drip down his sleeve.

He flicked through it and there…there, what he needed.

Maxine was yelling at him and Sam let himself just reel of some sort of explanation, his brain felt fuzzy as he stared at it. He had it. He had something.

“Look, just come home, both of you, now,” Maxine ordered. “Runner Five, make sure he gets home.”

He could do something.

A weight landed on his shoulder. Five was trying to drag him up most likely. Force him to his feet, get him moving.

Sam braced himself for the glare. “Yeah, yeah I just-,” he paused. Five looked worried. Brows scrunched, lips drawn into a tight line, her hand resting gently on his shoulder. She held out her other hand, not dragging him up but offering to help him.

Sam took it, pulling himself to his feet. Had he been this dizzy all day?

“Thanks, Fi-,” he trailed off, that was _her_ name, not this imposter that stole the name. He swallowed the word. “Thanks.”

She nodded, keeping a steady hand on his arm for which Sam was grateful, then gestured to the town.

“Yeah, Maxine’s gonna have a fit if I don’t go back now.” He looked down at the wallet. “I just…”

Her features softened, and Sam was glad he didn’t feel the need to explain.

* * *

Five didn’t like him, but she could at least try and stop being such an asshole. He deserved that much.

* * *

It hadn’t been an hour since he got back from Abel and had told everyone he was taking a nap when he heard someone move outside his bunk. He just wanted to be left alone, why couldn’t Maxine understand that he just wanted to be alone. Or he thought he did until the person outside didn’t knock and instead walked away, the outer zip of the tent going again.

Sam didn’t know what he wanted.

He did finally get to curl up into the foetal position though. Small victories.

He lay curled up, holding the wallet to his chest, feeling too hollow to cry and too depressed to move. It was strange, a strange emptiness that he wasn’t sure he could really understand. Like trying to understand how to move your arm. It just was, no two ways about it.

He thought he was used to grief, after mum and dad, but he supposed he never got over that either. In the mess that was the end of the world, he didn’t really get a chance to sit and think about it before. Now he had a lot of time.

No one told him the end of the world would be so boring after the first few months. Boring mixed with brief moments of terrible pain, then boring again. And boring meant a lot of time to think.

Sam must have drifted off because when he next looked up the light from the little plastic window in his bunk had shifted to black. And he needed to pee really badly.

Sam had to count down from three to will himself out of bed, and he had to mentally talk himself through the movements of walking and unzipping his door.

Something thumped onto his foot as he pulled back the tarp.

Sam frowned, a thermos had fallen onto its side next to a palm-sized cylinder. He picked them up.

The cylinder was a partially opened pot of salted caramel hot chocolate. Nearly full. It smelled amazing. The thermos was a hot drink of it, still warm.

Where had Maxine gotten salted caramel hot chocolate from? He’d been in charge of all recent runs, he had inventoried all of them. He was a little out of it, but not so out of it to miss something as luxury as this.

Sam took a sip. Damn, this was a luxury. He told himself to thank Maxine the next chance he got, but for now, Sam had more pressing issues. Like avoiding being seen on the way to the toilet and curling back up in his bunk.


	2. Weather ain't the way it was before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to the end of the ZR5K app!

“How’s Sam doing?” Maxine read aloud, squinting at the note Five left as she walked past to grab a medical textbook. “He’s doing as well as he could be. You know, given the circumsta- no you’ll want that one, yeah next to the yellow one.”

Five pulled out the textbook and flicked through it. Gray’s anatomy for students. Was the show named after the textbook then? Huh.

“That should be a good intro book to anatomy,” Maxine said, standing up. “Most first years swear by it. And it came in handy more than once for me too.”

Five flicked to the contents page whilst Maxine grabbed another textbook from the very sorry looking bookshelf. “Here take this one as well, Jody risked her ass getting them, might as well use it.” She put it down on the desk next to the note. “Once you read through those you can start helping out round here, learn on the job if you like, we don’t really have the time for endless tests now so…?”

Five nodded, putting Gray’s book down on top of the second one, nodding at the note again.

Maxine followed her line of sight and hummed. “He’s not great. Her death hit him-well you saw what happened in the field.”

Five had. He’d scared her shitless, just bolting like that, she didn’t even know she could get that scared anymore. Five was almost angry at him for freaking her out so much.

“Thanks for being there for him,” Maxine said.

She hadn’t really been there for him, she just happened to be there with him. Maxine squeezed her shoulder. “Still, thanks Five.”

Five backed out of Maxine’s grip and grabbed the textbooks, trying to ignore the look on Maxine’s face.

Another awkward moment passed as Maxine grasped for something to fill the silence. “If you like there’s a desk over there, behind the divider, you can study there for a bit out of the way, no distractions.”

Five nodded wondering if this had been the right move. After she had mentioned to Janine she was willing to undergo medical training she now had this huge chunk of time marked out of her day to study with Maxine. Between the study and the running training, Five was spending near enough all her time with the good doctor, probably much to the chagrin of said doctor.

Maxine was lovely, and in another time Five might have been a little in awe of the woman. But like most things now, she was finding it difficult to care.

Five plonked herself down and pulled her legs up under her as she opened the first textbook, sort of excited to have something to do mentally. But the distractions were limitless between Maxine’s humming and mulling about, leaving to visit the runners with pneumonia, coming back mumbling to herself about twenty different things, _and_ the visits from residents with varying ailments, Five was finding it tough to break past the first page.

A lot can be said for a working set of headphones and a lo-fi playlist now neither were scarce.

Her leg bounced as she read, twirling a pen between her fingers, trying desperately to keep her attention on the page, and eventually, after trying for what felt like hours, and keeping at it out of sheer force of will, Five managed to narrow her attention down, finally able to comprehend what was on the page and not just read it.

And he just had to show up and ruin it.

“Hey, Maxine…is now a bad time or?”

“No, you okay?”

“I just, I forgot to say, yesterday, I was…uh. Thanks, for the hot chocolate. It um…it was really nice of you.”

Five froze.

“What hot chocolate?” Maxine asked.

There was a brief silence. “You know, the one you left outside my bunk after the run with Fi- the new runner.”

“I didn’t leave you any hot chocolate.”

“Oh.”

“Must have been one of the others.”

Clothes rustled as someone assumedly fidgeted. “Yeah, must have...You got time to talk??”

“Always, just one moment. Five?” Maxine called.

Five peaked her head out so she could see beyond the tent divider. Sam gawped at her. She tried for a smile, but it didn’t feel like much more than flattening her lips.

“Do you think you could study somewhere else for the rest of today?” Five didn’t need to be told twice, she practically bolted out of there, not missing the way Sam watched her back as she left.

Finding somewhere else to study in Abel was tough. Her bunk was too small, the galley was buzzing with people and noise and distractions, the same problem in the quad too. Construction work pounded on outside and the walls were sort of restricted except for guard duty. Five couldn’t study anywhere, unless.

If Sam and Maxine were in the medical tent, and she knew Janine was working on the radio tower, then the comms shack had to be empty. She didn’t think anyone else worked as the operator aside from those three.

She almost cried in relief at the silence the closing of the comm shack door gave her. Whoever was in here last left quite a mess on the desk, and she wasn’t inclined to leave a trace by clearing it up. _Leaning against the wall it is._

Finally, a place to work.

* * *

Jody wouldn’t have sacrificed a whole pot of hot chocolate for him. Not when she had plenty of wool to knit him a pity scarf. Simon would never dare to pick up something as unhealthy as hot chocolate, let alone part with it and admit he did actually pick it up. So, who left it by his door?

He pushed open the shack door, feeling a little better after his chat with Maxine. He was lucky to have her, to have someone to talk it out with. There was a lot of feelings, and most of them didn’t line up or make sense but talking about it helped him try and get them in some order, whether it was the right one remains to be seen.

A glint of a yellow ribbon in the corner was what alerted him to her presence. The new runner was curled up, nose so intently stuck in the book she hadn’t looked up when he came in.

“You’re not really supposed to be in here,” he lied, a little embarrassed at how weak his voice sounded. He just wanted to be alone to do his work. Having the new runner around wasn’t really his idea of a good time.

She didn’t look up.

“Hey,” he called.

She blinked up at him, annoyance on her face. What right did she have to be annoyed at him when she was the one in his comm shack?

She squinted at him.

“You’re not really supposed to be in here,” he repeated, a little stronger this time. “You need to go somewhere else.”

She rolled her eyes, snapping the book shut so loud he jumped, at the noise.

Sam almost snapped then, demanding to know what her problem was, but he was just too tired, and it wasn’t like she would give him a clear answer beyond a shrug anyway. He forced himself to take a deep breath and sat down, making himself look busy with the work he left, turning on the computer to continue his search on rofflenet. 

He’d set up a program to scour through descriptions posted from different settlements. It was something Alice had been doing physically before she- before. Sam couldn’t exactly run to different settlements, and searching manually online took far too much time, so he was hoping something would ping up if he used a program to run it instead. So far, his code hadn’t worked at all. Nothing.

The new runner sniffed.

_Hadn’t she left yet?_

She was leaning over his shoulder staring at the code, nose scrunched.

“What?” He asked.

She frowned, then leaned forward and budged him out of the way with her elbow, typing something in and pressing enter.

The code ran and produced actual answers instead of errors. Pings from all over rofflenet of people matching Frances’ description.

He leaned forward in his seat. “How did you do that?”

She shrugged and pointed at a line on his code. Sam groaned, settling back down, running a hand through his hair. He not only forgot a semicolon, but he also didn’t capitalise some important variables he defined in capitals earlier on.

Four years of engineering and he still missed that shit all the time. The tiredness probably didn’t help. At least it wasn’t a problem with the code in general, it was just a problem in him being a dumbass and writing in typos.

“Oh…thanks.”

She gave him a weak smile, picked up her textbooks and left.

* * *

“When’s Eight getting back, I miss Eight,” Jody whined, spooning up some spaghetti hoops and shoving them into her mouth. “Missions with Eight are literally the easiest.”

“I thought you said she scares you?” Simon said.

“Oh absolutely, scares the daylights out of me, but she scares the zombs more.” Jody turned to Sam. “So, when is she getting back?”

Sam shrugged. “Don’t know, Janine has been very tight lipped on her whereabouts.”

“Janine is tight lipped about a lot of things,” Simon said.

Sam laughed, that was true.

“How’s Six doing?” Jody asked.

Maxine made that humming noise she makes when she’s thinking about how to word her answer. “Better. If she stays off her feet this time she should recover soon. Evan’s yelling at her now for going out before recovering.”

“That’s good to hear,” Jody said. “Maggie’s a good one, though it was a little dumb of her to join Five on the med run. You’d think she’d have more sense than that.”

“You took Five to a craft store,” Simon said.

“I wanted wool.”

“Yes, the ultimate necessity...wool.”

Maxine gave Sam an amused look and went back to her food as Simon and Jody teased each other, the hum of voices in the galley feeling rather comfortable

It was nice, almost calming. Sam hadn’t really been eating in the galley the past few weeks since his breakdown. Too many people, too many voices and pitying gazes and tactless askings of how he’s holding up.

Sam didn’t feel like he was holding up, but at least he no longer felt like his brain was on fire. And he missed people, just being around people. Hiding in his bunk was all well and good but seeing the people of Abel alive and laughing gave him more hope than he had in weeks. And with the ping that came up from his program knowing the Frances was alive so far north, Sam no longer felt that deep shadow pressing at the back of his mind.

He wasn’t holding up, but he was holding.

“Ahh, Five, I wondered where you got to, come sit here!” Maxine’s voice pulled him out of his brooding as she waved enthusiastically at a wide eyed Five. Her was hair was still damp from her shower, now tied back into two braids, one looped with that yellow ribbon she wore everywhere, a thick textbook tucked under her arm.

Sam scooted up on the bench, allowing her space to squeeze in next to Maxine. She set the textbook down next to her and started to poke at her food.

“Good job on your run today,” Sam said, smiling at her.

She gave him a curt nod.

Maxine shifted. “You practically saved Six’s life.”

Five’s jaw tensed at that, she smiled, then went back to poking at her food.

_Okay then._

Simon caught Sam’s eye and gave him a _this is awkward_ look.

The group fell into an awkward silence, broken with Jody trying to get the conversation going again, but it would quickly fizzle out. As soon as Maxine left to get back to work, the others drifted out as well, now no longer feeling it was impolite to leave. Five seemed to have not noticed as she stared at her textbook, food forgotten, but she was either the worlds slowest reader, or she was just pretending because she was on the same page for the last ten minutes.

“You not going to finish that?” Sam asked, nodding to her plate.

She didn’t look up as she pushed it towards him.

“Oh…I didn’t mean, um…thanks.” Sam wasn’t going to turn away free food, he scraped the rest of the spaghetti hoops onto his plate. Sam didn’t know why he stayed after the others left, he did actually have things to do, but he felt a little bad about leaving Five alone as she pretended to read. If she was pretending, there had to be a reason why.

“I heard you read Rajits book?” Sam said. “That’s impressive.”

She stared at him for a beat, then smirked, before pulling a face that could only be described as _eeeek._

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, it is something. How did you get through it all? I just had to pretend I read it and made up answers when he quizzed me on it.”

Five pursed her lips, looking like she had something to say. She frowned, patting her pockets then sighed, gesturing at him for a writing utensil.

He shook his head. “Uhhh, sorry don’t have anything.”

Her shoulders slumped a little.

“Do you not know BSL?” Sam asked.

Five shook her head.

“I could see if we could find a book on it during a run?”

She puzzled over it, working her way to a conclusion in the form of a scrunched face and a dismissive shrug. _Don’t worry about it._

“I mean…it’s got to be annoying not being able to communicate, and I always wanted to learn, maybe we could learn together.”

Five eyed him suspiciously. What about that was suspicious?

“It’d be easier than writing things down, right, especially with how little paper we have.”

Five’s scrunched her nose as she thought, then she shook her head again.

Sam wondered what it was about the offer that made her say no. “Okay…never mind then.”

Five stared at him for a few beats longer, and Sam had to fight the urge to not make a joke or look away. She reminded him of Sara, that look that made you feel like you did something wrong, but the look gave way to a soft closed lip smile. She closed the textbook, tucked it under her arm, then piled both their plates and took them to be cleaned, leaving him alone at the table, a little dumbfounded at the whole interaction. 

* * *

Maxine squeezed his shoulder.

“I can’t believe she agreed to it,” Sam mumbled as he checked the scanners ahead of Five’s planned route.

“Why wouldn’t she? Five’s been rather helpful since she arrived.” Maxine said, settling into the chair next to him, grimacing at the mess, but as always never bringing it up, he appreciated that.

“Don’t know, I just don’t think she likes me very much.” It wasn’t a _think_. He knew Five didn’t like him.

She leaned back in her chair. “Funny, I’ve heard the exact same thing from near on all the runners and a few of the kitchen staff. A general feeling of dislike, something to do with her lack of smiling.”

Sam raised a brow. “You don’t agree? The sound of your voice tells me you don’t agree, come on Maxine, she looks like she wants to murder me anytime I speak.”

Maxine cocked her head. “Can you blame her.”

“Oy you.” Sam gently hit her arm. “I am a delight to be around.” He turned back to his work the route looking clear, Five keeping a good pace. “Five on the other hand-,”

“Is shy.” Maxine interrupted.

Sam laughed. “She’s not shy.” He said, pointing at the screen that showed Five bolting it across fields. “That is not a shy person, she just…” he trailed off. Maxine raised her brows watching with great amusement as he figured it out. Pretending to read, avoiding eye contact, hiding in different spaces throughout the township to stay out of people’s way.

“Oh my god she’s shy.” Maxine pointed at him in confirmation. “I just thought she didn’t like people.”

“Well…that might also be true, and she’s not been the most-,” she searched for the word “-gentle person, but she’s been rather nice to me since we’ve been forced to spend time together. Left me some chocolate outside my room after a particularly tough day. No idea where she got it.”

Oh no. Sam never did figure out who left him the hot chocolate. He stared at the monitor. “But she’s just so standoffish.”

”I’m not excusing that, just saying there might be more to it.”

Well that threw his character assessment to the shitter. And he thought he was good at judging people. And maybe he hadn’t been as welcoming as he had been with the other runners. There was a general air of mistrust around Five now that the excitement of the chopper had died. People wondered why she went down, why the same thing happened to the skoobs before they went radio silent. And it wasn’t just him who felt uncomfortable with how quickly she picked up Alice’s number. Alice was really well liked. Five was... she was not Alice. Even if Five wasn’t shy and bad with people, she’d probably be just as standoffish as she was with those things.

He switched on the mic to Five’s headset, a little compelled to be a tad nicer. “That’s great. You’re doing well. Right on track to make Bert Airfield well in time.” He’d resolved it in himself to at least try. Then if she continued being difficult, he knew it wasn't because he didn't try.

The door knocked before he could say anymore.

Maxine sighed. “Not now! Come back in an hour.”

The door creaked open, Janine poking her head through. “I’m sorry, it can’t wait,” Janine started. Sam felt his heart plummet as she looked at the monitor and came fully into the room, he knew that look. “Oh, is that Runner Five out there? Even better. Runner Five, if you divert just towards the old transmitter station, you could pick up some radio parts –“

“Janine, this is not the time! Remember how we talked about how Runner Five was helping Sam?” Maxine interrupted, expression warning.

Sam was a bit miffed. “Hello, still in the room.”

Realisation dawned on Janine’s face. “Oh, this is the mission to - to stop you going –,”

He started to shake. “Yeah, yeah, you know, there’s something about your refreshing honesty I can’t help liking, Janine.”

“Enough of that, Mister Yao,” Janine said, face twitching just a little. “I’m not here for the radio parts, anyway. Not that it wouldn’t help if you could pick some up. There’s a very urgent repair I have to make to the transmitter array. It’ll just take a few minutes.”

Maxine scowled. “Yeah, but we’re in the middle of -,”

“Nah, this is how it goes.” Sam interrupted, shaking so bad now he could feel his teeth chattering. “Runner Five’ll get used to it. Okay, Five, cutting comms now. Back in a few.”

* * *

Static filled her headset. _Welp, that’s not good._

Sam sounded pissed. And now she was alone in the field.

Five stopped for a second and looked around.

God…it was the first time she was alone in the field since arriving at Abel. She thought she’d be okay with it, she thought she’d actually like it, not having someone tell her what to do or where to go or the exact number of zombies shambling behind her trying to rip her limb from limb. Who cared if it was twelve or if it was twenty? A pack was a pack, she didn’t need specifics.

Now that she was actually alone, she did not like it at all. Her nervous tick came back, handshaking back and forth.

 _Not again_. _Alone again_.

She balled her fists, took a deep breath and carried on running, she would get the package to Bert airfield with or without communications. She just wished it was with. She hadn’t realised how much she liked it with.

* * *

She turned down the hot bath, instead taking a cold lemonade from Bert Airfields working fridge and letting herself relax for more than ten minutes on their wall, looking out over the countryside. Comms had been turned off again since Maggie told her they were excited to work with her.

A part of her felt like it was kindness born of politeness. She wasn’t an idiot, she knew what the others thought of her. And she couldn’t blame them. Five wasn’t exactly easy to get along with. But she appreciated the sentiment. They were trying, shouldn’t she?

It was difficult to try when you didn’t care.

She’d been trying, trying to find something to care about, but really everything just fell away into the same numbness she’d felt for a long time. It both hurt and was comfortable, the numbness.

What was a little loneliness when you got to avoid the worrying?

_I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done today, Five. You’re already a hero to me._

There was no way Sam really meant it. Not about her. He was just emotional. Sam was like that, emotional.

Five didn’t think she actively disliked him, and she knew now his relentless optimism wasn’t an act. It would be easier if it were.

He just went through a big loss and was still trying to make Abel a better place. He got on with every runner, he tried with Janine, he chatted with near on anyone that so much as smiled at him, he even offered to learn BSL with her. He put so much effort in it was obvious it wasn’t an act, so why couldn’t she convince herself otherwise.

What would he get out of being so nice all the time? Even if there was an ulterior motive, which Five was struggling to find, no one tries this hard to be fake nice.

Yet she still didn’t believe it.

Five sipped the lemonade, swinging her legs back and forth over the edge of the wall, watching a few zombies crash into trees on the horizon.

She jumped as her headset crackled. “Five, Runner Five is that you?” Maxine asked, voice a little static.

Five tapped her microphone twice for yes.

“Oh good, are you ready to come home? I can see you’re on the edge of Bert Airfield.”

 _Home…yeah Abel wasn’t really Home, was it?_ She thought as she tapped another yes.

“Okay, if you head out now, I’ll keep an eye on you until you get back.”

Five’s joints cracked as she stood, stretching out ready for the run, the guards in Bert visibly more comfortable at her leaving.

The run home was far simpler, most of the horde drifting further west and the few stragglers weren’t more than shamblers. She could very easily outpace them even after the hectic run out of Abel. It was almost peaceful actually. With the sun setting, and the crisp late October air, Five could almost pretend she was running around her parents’ house back before the outbreak, trying to find routes through farmland that no one else would be on. Not that she wanted too, it wasn’t happy memories.

Five eventually made it to Abel’s gate before late.

“Good to have you back, Five,” Maxine said.

Five smiled wryly as if Maxine could see, bouncing on her feet as she waited for the gates to raise.

The guards gave her a look over for bites and passed her through, letting her stumble into the quad.

“Five!”

Five nearly screamed at the loud noise, spinning just in time see a blur of orange before two arms wrapped around hers and she was almost lifted off her feet.

_Too close. Too close. It’s too close._

Five stiffened, hands balling into fists, jaw tensing as Sam hugged her, but before she could figure out what scared her so much about it, Sam let go and punched her shoulder gently.

“You did brilliantly today!” He exclaimed, face bright, his eyes were puffy from crying but he was smiling so much it was almost infectious.

Five coughed, trying to get herself to stop feeling so frightened, it was just a hug, just a simple hug, it had barely been more than two seconds.

“The way you darted around that horde and just like -,” he made a motion with his hand like swinging a baseball bat, accompanied by a suitable zombie-killing sound effect, “-that one fast zomb with your bat was actually epic.”

Sam was practically vibrating with energy as he spoke, face alight, hair a little messy from him running his hands through it too much. “I knew you would be a good runner, I mean, we all saw it when you came down in that chopper. Just fell out of the sky and was up running with barely a scratch. Like you have to be a badass to…what…why are you smiling at me like that…do I have something on my face?”

Five started, she hadn’t realised she was beaming at him. She shook her head, folded her arms and motioned for him to carry on with his speech of compliments. 

“Oh, I see how it is,” he said, pointing at her. “You only smile like that when it's about how cool you are.”

She punched his arm. It wasn’t because he was complimenting her.

He pouted. “Ow, rude. You are rude.”

She smiled again.

Maybe she didn’t dislike Sam after all


	3. Wind comes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to Season 1 Ep 6

Eight sure did like waving that gun of hers around. If it wasn’t _her_ being threatened, and if she hadn’t overheard Eight and Janine conspiring about her behind her back a few weeks ago, Five would be in love.

Five in actuality was terrified of this woman. And not in the good way she liked to be terrified of women.

Though she was determined not to show her fear. So as Eight continued to parade the gun around, firing shots over Five’s head and making vague but not entirely subtle digs at Five’s general untrustyness Five went back to her old tricks of dealing with being scared of someone but not wanting to show it by counting down from ten and focusing on not letting her hand twitch and break her act. It was more exhausting keeping her cool than running from zombies and leading them past New Canton. 

That along with an added mission of Five having to go out and rescue a screaming child from no-mans-land that afternoon, a child belonging to the Becca lady who had been very friendly over the past few weeks and was now, unfortunately, dead found Five fighting to stay awake in the quad that evening.

Sam nudged her leg with his foot as she started to drift off leaning against the log facing the fire. No one else seemed to have noticed, and she gave him a quick smile in thanks, taking the mug of tea he handed to her before he walked along and plonked himself down next to Jack and Eugene. He’d been far friendlier to her recently and she wasn’t yet sure what to make of it.

Ed was bouncing Molly on his knee whilst Jody fussed over them. Simon had conveniently disappeared with Janine, It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on there. Sara, Evan, Maxine, and Maggie had set up a game of cards on the other side of the fire whilst that Chris guy Five hadn’t really spoken too worked on his notes.

Five looked down at her new textbook, this one on cell biology, and wondered why she had to be so boring and bring a goddamn textbook to the quad. The runners and a few of their closer friends, namely Sam, Maxine, and the two radio lads, usually would come out to the quad in the evening after work was done and hang out until people started to get tired. Five never joined in, she felt strangely out of place, like she wasn’t supposed to be there, despite being a runner, but Maxine invited her along.

Actually, invite was polite, she more or less ordered it. Something about _Getting to know the others properly_ and _Stop hiding in the med tent all day Five, your face is starting to annoy me_ followed by _if you give me that sour look again I will drag you there by your ear myself._

Yeah…Five felt very welcomed.

She sipped the tea Sam gave her and tried again to focus on her book.

The different conversations grew in volume as people got more excited, Five wasn’t sure what card game Sara and the others were playing, but Evan was getting very into it.

Sam barked a laugh at something Eugene said and started furiously talking back, waving his hands around excitedly.

“No no no.” Eugene interrupted him. “Maxine, best Dnd class, go!”

Maxine blinked up from her cards. “Uhhh, cleric.”

“Of course you would go for a cleric,” Jack said.

“Strong, dependable, able to heal the dumbasses of the party, clerics are the ultimate class,” Maxine said, missing as Sara tried to peak at her cards. Sara caught Five watching her and tapped her nose conspiratorially.

“Why, what would you say?” Maxine continued.

“Rogue,” Eugene announced.

“No, the best class is very obviously a fighter,” Jack said.

Maxine grimaced. “What are you, a straight man?”

The quad erupted into laughter, as Jack looked dramatically offended. “How dare you, you have questioned not only my taste but damaged my honour.”

“Can’t question taste when you ain’t got any,” Sam said.

Jack scowled. “Tough talk coming from a guy who says the best class is a bard, come on, be more original than that.”

“Bards are awesome, using just their voice and quick wit to win-,”

“Inspiring the people who are actually doing the work,” Eugene interrupted. “Of course _you_ would pick a bard.”

“God, you guys are such NERRDDDS,” Jody yelled. “Can’t believe I’m witnessing the end of the world with nerds.”

“Hey, this nerd saved your life last week,” Sam said.

Jody groaned dramatically. “Why can’t I be stuck with anyone cool. Look Five agrees with me you guys are such nerds.”

The group turned to look at Five. She stared blankly at them then imitated pulling the string of a bow.

Jack shook his head. “Nope, I will not accept this slander Five, ranger is not the best class, you take that back.”

Five was glad they got what she meant, though she didn’t actually think the ranger was the best. Everyone knew that monks were the best class, but she wasn’t sure how to convey that through gestures, so she went with ranger instead.

“Right, but Five picking ranger makes sense,” Maxine declared, “surviving in the wilderness, collecting supplies,”

“Namely sports bras,” Sam mumbled.

“That may be the case,” Eugene said. “But it’s applications to runners doesn’t make it the best class, that right is still reserved for the good old-fashioned rogue.”

“You just think that because you’re an unoriginal edge lord,” Sam said, and the arguing started again.

Five pulled her knees up to her chest as she watched them squabble. Evan tried and failed to get Maxine back into cards, but Maxine was getting so heated she ended up putting her cards down face up and both Evan and Maggie threw their hands down in disappointment.

“What do you think Chris?” Sam called across the fire, the quad falling silent again.

Chris blinked up at them, seemingly unaware of the entire debate. “What?”

Another round of laughter.

“Interesting read, Ten?” Sara asked.

Chris nodded. “Oh yes, I’ve been cross referencing the relationship between certain frequencies of runners foot striking and Zombie feeding patterns it's rather remarkable.”

“I’m sure it is,” Maxine yawned. “But on that note, I think I might head to bed.” She stood and dusted herself off. “Good night everyone.”

Evan followed suit, mumbling to Bonnie as he left about never winning at cards.

The others all filed out soon after, Ed carrying a sleeping Molly. Jack and Eugene flirting relentlessly, Sam and the other runners squabbling about something Five had no context on, until Five was alone staring at the dying embers of the fire.

That was…nice?

Despite the amusing night she still had that dark numbness settle on her, that tug at the back of her mind reminding her to not care, to just ignore the smiles and laughter and joy. That combined with all of Sara’s talk of how little they trusted her made her be wary of enjoying the group's company too much.

She was there out of politeness, nothing more.

Something strange was going on too, and that usually meant something bad and tragic was going to happen. She grabbed a stick and started to poke at the embers, watching them flare up and die.

“With how tired you were I’d have thought you would have been the first to bed.”

Sam was making a habit of sneaking up on her. She debated throwing the stick at him. At least he had the decency to look apologetic for making her jump.

He held up his hoodie. “Sorry, forgot it. Didn’t expect you would still be here. I would have stepped louder if I did, maybe then you wouldn’t look like such a startled rabbit. Not that you look like a rabbit mind you…you just, looked a little frightened.”

Five raised a brow at him rambling.

“Yeah…uh,” he looked around awkwardly, opening his mouth and closing it as he searched for words.

He finally landed on something. “I didn’t think you would play DnD.”

Five didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Not sure why, you just didn’t strike me as someone who like-,”

_Had friends?_

“Did things like that.” He said. The politer version of what they were both thinking.

Five scrunched her nose, again unsure at how she could respond.

“How, uh, how long have you been playing?” 

Five held up four fingers.

“Four years?”

She nodded confirmation.

“Damn, old timer then huh. I only started playing during second year at uni. Some of the other radio kids recommended a podcast to me and I fell in love so-,” he trailed off, looking anywhere but her face. “You don’t wanna hear about this.”

Five shook her head, motioning with her hands for him to continue.

“Really?”

She nodded.

“Oh…well yeah, so podcast, I binged the whole thing in like a month, bearing in mind it had about fifty episodes at the time and each was like four hours long. Yeah my grades that month were not the best. And I just couldn’t stop thinking about it.” He sat down on the log facing her. “So yeah, right, me and pals raided the local game shop and booked out the back room for a few hours, and they had me be the DM. Now let me tell you, I had no idea what I was doing, so I spent hours coming up with every NPC and small detail of this first game. Like I could tell you what everyone had in their back pocket at 3pm on a Tuesday kind of detailed”

Five raised a brow at that.

“Right well, I thought I was so prepared, I had anything and everything theses players could do sussed out. Like it was red string conspiracy stuff, I thought I could see every timeline.” He spread his hands out in front of him like he was showing the scope of each possible future.

“I can tell from your face you are very aware of the pain I was about to feel. So yep, over twelve hours of prep for the first game, and the first things the players do was to head out of the intricately designed city into the great unknown.”

He picked at the frayed hems of his hoodie. “Long story short, I ended up making everything up on the spot, nearly crying, and every single NPC had this really bad and probably sort of offensive northern accent…No I’m not going to do it, stop it, pouting won’t make me do it.”

Five continued to pout.

“Nope, I will not, Simon would probably come and beat me up if he just sensed I attempted a northern accent, like some weird northerner spidey sense.”

Five smiled. Yeah he probably would.

“I got better at figuring out how to run the game after that, still had really bad northern accents for every NPC though, turns out that’s just like, ingrained, like something deep in my soul just wants to be northern. Now that Maxine runs the game I don’t have to do accents anymore, I just sort of, lower my own voice to sound cool.” He said as he lowered his own voice in demonstration. It did not sound cool. “I know you can’t really play, but maybe you could sit in with us, if that’s something you’d be into?” Sam asked.

Five liked the idea of that, watching people play DnD. She almost nodded a yes. But she remembered how often conversations around her tended to turn awkward, and she knew the other players probably would not want some stranger just watching from the corner. Besides, Sam was just offering to be polite, what was the chances he actually wanted her to join in.

No, no it was not a good idea.

She shook her head, but tried to keep her expression gentle. The disappointed look on his face told her she failed.

“That’s okay, just thought, you know, the offer is there,” he said, nervously patting his knees. “Welp, best be off to bed, gotta get that beauty sleep.” He stood and pulled his hoodie on. “You should think about turning in soon too, you look knackered.”

Five watched Sam walk back towards the tents, feeling like she messed something up there but unsure what she could have done differently.

* * *

“Mister Yao, do you think wasting time setting up Halloween decorations is a good thing.”

Sam snatched the rubber spider back from Janine. “Is that a trick question, because you know my answer is yes, that it is definitely a good thing.”

Janine scowled, staring at all the fake webbing in the comm shack. “Where did you even get these from, I don’t remember approving a…recreational mission.”

Sam put the spider back on the shelf, nodding to himself in approval of his interior decoration skills. “Five grabbed a few bags from that Morrison’s warehouse you had her crawling around last week,” Sam admitted, still mildly amused that Five did so. She did roll her eyes and made a show of dragging her feet, but he had made it clear it was optional. And she chose to do it. There was hope for her yet.

“And here I was hoping Runner Five would have some practical sense.”

“Oh come on Janine, it’s Halloween, try and get in the spirit.”

Janine gave him a dead look. “I don’t celebrate Halloween Mister Yao.”

Sam turned back to the monitor, checking the area around Sara’s and Simon’s run. “Could have fooled me with that costume.”

“I’m not wearing a costume.”

“Oh…how do you keep that scowl on your face all the time if it's not a mask.”

“That was…” Janine sighed. “That was a very bad joke, Mister Yao.”

“Yeah it was a bit,” Sam said as he flicked on the mic. “You guys are doing great, the way back looks clear, if you keep at that pace you should avoid the small pack coming in from the west, don’t speed up because you might hit a small one just drifting out of your path.”

“Righto Sammy, maintaining a constant pace,” Simon said.

“He said to not speed up, Three,” Sara said. “Why are you speeding up.”

“Sorry, got excited, I am so ready for the Halloween party tonight.”

Janine stiffened. “What Halloween party?”

Sam flicked of the mic very quickly. “Yeah…so I’ve been meaning to ask you-,”

“No.”

Sam whined. “Come on why not, we need something to cheer us all up, you could see it as a morale booster or something.”

Janine shook her head. “No, I will not permit it, Halloween is for children, you are not a child.” She said, then lowered her voice. “No matter how much you act like one.”

“You know talking quieter doesn’t mean I suddenly can’t hear you,” Sam said. “Look it’s been a tough couple of months since the outbreak, and people want something to remind them of the good old days, Halloween is easy because most people don’t apply like, super deep memories with it, but everyone finds it familiar, and it gives people a chance to blow off steam.”

Janine didn’t blink as she thought. “Will there be alcohol?”

Sam considered lying. “We have got some alcohol.” Yeah, lying was not a good idea.

Janine still didn’t blink. “I will permit it.”

“Oh my god really, thanks Janine you’re the best!”

“Only if you have someone sober on watch on each wall, and it will not be me.”

* * *

Five stared blankly at the punching bag.

“If you’re going to be an Abel runner, you should at least be able to fight,” Sara said.

Five was a little dumbfounded, not seven days ago Sara had threatened Five with a gun, not only that, but Five could swear that Sara deliberately stayed up until she thought Five was asleep most nights. More than once Five would hear movement from her bunk if Five so much as coughed in the middle of the night. It was hard not to imagine Sara waiting behind the tarp with a knife ready to strike if Five coughed a little too suspiciously.

Now she wanted to do a martial arts movie training montage? Yeah, there was definitely something more to it than being friendly.

Five raised a brow at Sara, wondering if she was going to give more instructions, but she just stood a little ways back with her arms folded waiting for Five to strike the bag. Five wanted to scream at her to stop looking.

“Well, we don’t have all day, love.” Sara said. “Come on, hop too.”

Five got into a weak imitation of a fighting stance and pathetically punched the bag.

“For Christ sake girl, put some welly into it.”

Five punched it again, trying to keep her hands up by her face, three self-defence lessons her school put on for the girls when she was thirteen taught her that much.

Five jabbed the bag a few times, before letting her arms flop to her side and glaring at Sara.

Something in Sara’s expression shifted a little. She shook her head. “Oh come on, you look pathetic, here.” She stepped up to the bag next to Five and took her stance punching the bag three times, jab, jab, hook. “Your foot placement is good but you’re leaning to far forward on your front foot, which means I can easily do this.”

Sara swept out Five’s back leg, sending her sprawling on her side.

“See, I wouldn’t have been able to do that if you didn’t stand like you were halfway pissed. Now get up.”

Five stood, feeling thoroughly embarrassed, but retook her stance.

“Great, now if I try to-,” She went to hit Five’s leg again but the better balance kept Five standing “-perfect, keep that stance and you’ll be harder to take down. Okay try for another punch, and actually put some goddamn effort into it.”

Five punched the bag, it wobbled a little at the impact.

“Great, so you can punch a still object, you’re gonna go far,” Sara smirked.

Five resisted the urge to punch her.

“Oh, I know that look, you're pissed at me.”

Five tried to school her features, turning back to the bag so Sara couldn’t fully see her face.

Sara just chuckled and motioned for her to start punching again.

Five actually tried this time, following the pattern Sara had used, two jabs and a hook, and she thought she couldn't be doing terribly if Sara wasn’t correcting her.

“You going to the Halloween party our Sam has set up tonight?”

Five shook her head, she’d agreed to take a watch on the north wall instead, along with Ed on the south wall and two others who Five hadn’t cared to get to know on the east and west wall.

“Shame, it would have been good to have you.”

Five smiled grimly as she struck the punching bag.

“You don’t agree?”

Five shook her head.

Sara made a noncommittal noise. “Not much of a party person I see. Well, I’ll try and save you some sweets.”

Five wondered how probable it was that Sara would lace the sweets with rat poison.

* * *

It wasn’t much of a Halloween party in that no one really dressed up because no one had any costumes, but more it was an excuse to get as shitfaced as possible and not feel bad about it.

Though, with how great Sam was feeling right now, he knew he was going to feel bad in the morning.

Jody squinted at the bottle of cheap chocolate liquor Sam had found just before he came to Abel, then opened it and took a sniff.

“Sam, where did you get this shit from?” She asked before taking a giant swig.

Sam shrugged, taking it back and downing some more.

Simon had somehow produced nearly six bottles of vodka, which admittedly Sam was avoiding, he liked alcohol when you couldn’t taste said alcohol. But the zombie apocalypse tended to make the necessity of mixers a luxury and Sam wasn’t sure his stomach could handle straight vodka. Maybe after a few more glasses of the lukewarm rose he’d be too drunk to care.

Jody nudged him in the arm. “Sam! Pay attention, Simon’s trying to woo Janine again.”

“ _Woo_?” Sam said, dragging out the vowels. “Did you really just say _woo_?”

She giggled. “You know what I mean.”

“Jody…you. are. twenty-five. Not some fifty-year-old seamstress, don’t ever say the word _woo_ again.”

“Look, it just came out.”

“It shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary.” He laughed to himself. " _Woo_."

She shoved him. “You’re missing it, oh... and Janine’s leaving, Saaaaaaaaammmmm you missed it.”

“Not much to miss when we all know they are a thing.” Sam hiccuped.

“Oh god you are no fun, this was a lot funner-,”

“More fun, that is the grammaaticacally correct way of saying funner,” He interrupted, Janine would be proud of his intelligence. 

“All right, whatever, it was a lot _more fun_ when it was me and Simon gossiping about you and Alice.”

Sam froze.

Jody stammered. “Oh Sam, sorry, I didn’t, shit, I didn’t mean to bring it up, Sam…”

Sam swallowed, he thought he’d been holding up, Maxine brought up Alice that morning and Sam didn’t feel the need to cry. It had to be the alcohol. Right.

“I think I’m gonna go for a walk.”

Jody looked horrified. “Sam…”

“It’s okay, just, fresh air, feel a bit sick.”

Sam stumbled to his feet, pawning off the liquor to Jody, and walked out of the quad. He wasn’t quite sure where he was going, he just needed to go.

This kept happening, the grief hitting him in waves. He thought, well, he thought he’d only have to get through the first tough bit, like after his break down and getting the package to Frances he thought he’d be on his way to recovery, and most days he was, but some days little things sent him stumbling back.

Small things, seemingly insignificant things. Like how a few weeks ago he ran out of the final jar of marmite that Alice had gotten for him. He had others sure, but that was the last jar _she_ had picked up. Or how he’d catch a whiff of coffee and be reminded of her slightly worrying coffee addiction. Or the way Five would put her hands on her hips, cock her head and smirk, just like Alice would do when he teased her.

It was the small things now, and he started to worry about when the small things no longer reminded him of Alice because that would mean he was forgetting her.

He was already starting to think of the number Five belonging to the new runner and not _her_.

When will coffee just be coffee and not a memory?

He couldn’t forget her, he needed to honour her, honour her memory. Sam had to remind himself of who she was if he wanted to do right by her.

Sam hadn't realised he was heading to the wall until the darkness of the empty fields made him wobble. He wrapped his arms around himself, the chilling winter wind sweeping in. He couldn’t see much beyond the wall, but he knew vaguely where he was looking.

When will he look out of Abel and no longer see where Alice fell and just see a field instead.

Sam ran a hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck, trying to soothe the small panic starting to build, the fire burning through his brain.

_It’s just the alcohol, you’re just freaking out because of the alcohol._

He strolled along the edge of the wall, he just needed to calm down then he could go back to the party. Just calm down and get his shit under control and-

“Five?”

Five was leaning back on her hands, legs dangling over the edge of the wall, staring up at the sky. She hadn’t appeared to have noticed him, and he debated turning around and leaving, struggling through a conversation with Five whilst freaking out about his very dead girlfriend was not how he wanted to spend Halloween.

But he had promised to himself to try.

“I’m no expert Five, but I think being on watch means you gotta look _out_ not _up_.”

Five got that startled look on her face she often did when he turned up, eyes wide, jaw tense, before she gave him a tight smile.

He looked up, the crisp clear Halloween night splayed the stars and moon bright above them. “Though I can see why you’d choose up, no light pollution and all that. Can I join you?”

She nodded, but not before gesturing to the party that could still vaguely be heard from here. A question of why he left?

Sam thought up some series of excuses for leaving, but he wasn’t sure Five would care either way if he told the truth or not. “I got to thinking about Alice, needed some air.”

Her face was blank, then she turned to look out at the dark fields. He sat down next to her. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, the grief, or the oppressive silence but Sam felt compelled to keep talking.

“You know, I don’t think I ever actually told you about Alice,” Sam said. "Like properly."

Five shook her head.

Sam laughed humourlessly. “Christ, I had you running which ways and what and you didn’t even know a thing about her.” When she didn’t change her expression Sam continued. “She was great you know, really funny, smart too. Like, she always had a plan, no matter what Alice had a plan.”

Five turned towards him a little.

“Even when…Even during her last mission, Alice was still trying to come up with a plan, she never ever gave up. It’s like, she was hopeful, right, like she thought if you just tried hard enough you could win.” He swallowed. “She never gave up, even when she got bit.”

Sam watched the darkness swirl around the tree line, consuming the dead branches, a faint moan of the dead echoing from them. “She turned her headset off after that though, didn’t want me to hear it. Funny, don’t know if hearing it would have given me more closure." Sam felt a little shocked at what he was saying. “You know, we only dated for three months. Like we didn’t meet until after the outbreak, but I guess something about any day being your last makes everything more intense. If you told me I was going to lose my mind over a girl I dated for three months I would have told you to can it, but I reckon I would have also had a tough time believing about the dead walking too so yeah…I don’t know.” He trailed off when he heard the scribble of a pen, Five was writing something.

She held up the notepad for him to read, though it took considerable effort.

_She sounds wonderful, I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet her._

“Yeah, it might be for the best I don’t think she would have liked you very much.”

Five raised her brows and it took Sam a few beats to realise what he just said.

_Stupid damn alcohol._

"No, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just…you two are very - different, and…not saying you’re bad or anything,” he flailed his hands around as he tried to backtrack.

Five held up the notebook again. _It’s okay, I know what you mean. No offence taken._

Sam blinked at the page then at Five. “You know, I just realised I know absolutely nothing about you. Like you’ve been here, what, two months, I don’t even know how old you are, or like, what you did before, all I know is you have really bad taste in DnD classes.”

Five started writing out something, he peeked over her shoulder, reading as she went. He only got to _I’m twenty-one,_ before he heard Maxine calling him.

Maybe disappearing suddenly from the party without telling anyone where he was going was a bad idea.

He stood up, nausea from the alcohol now really kicking in. “She’s going to freak if I don’t go, you know what she’s like, always worrying. It’s rather sweet actually, um…”

Maxine called him again, her yelling slurred.

“Look Five, thanks for listening, we should-," he shook his head. "I should go. Have a good night,” He waved as he left, not missing the dejected way she turned back to her notebook, pocketing it again.

* * *

Sam snatched the mic back from Janine. “Yeah, uh, just give it to me a sec.” He quickly checked that Five was actually waiting at the gate, she was, bouncing on her feet as she did before every run. “Hey, Runner Five! We’re changing things up a bit. Isn’t that exciting?" Sam shifted in his seat. "Look, you just have to keep this button pressed in when you’re talking, and make sure you lean this way, so your body sort of extends the area a bit, and-,”

Janine elbowed him aside, grabbing at some wires. “Good grief, is this the way you’ve been managing all these months?”

Sam shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much, yeah, I make it work!” He tried not to sound too offended as he heard Five snort at him on the other end of the headset.

“But if you just plugged this in here, then you can sit back,” the feedback he’d been getting cleared up as Janine finished her work “and the signal’s better.”

Sam stared incredulously at the new set up “I uh, yeah, I knew that.” Janine raised a brow at him. “No, I didn’t, I didn’t know that at all.” He gave Janine some finger guns then turned back to the monitor, trying not to think about the fact that he gave Janine some finger guns. “So, Runner Five, treat for you today! Janine here will be your controller, leading you off on a very special assignment, won’t you, Janine?”

“Don’t patronize me, Mister Yao.”

“I wasn’t… I didn’t mean… I-,” he sighed, sending the signal to raise the gates instead.

“Runner Five? Just run.” Janine announced before flicking off the mic. Five stood awkwardly before the gate, then started her jog out.

“That’s it?” Sam asked, “Not gonna tell Five, or me, where she’s going?”

Janine’s face twitched and she flicked the mic back on. “Very simple expedition for you today, Runner Five. Nothing too taxing, although it is important it’s done swiftly.”

“That’s why we call them “runners”, you know,” Sam mumbled.

Janine stumbled. “Yes, quite. We’re low on cable, electronic supplies, that sort of thing. They’re getting harder to find as time goes on. Weather corrodes, rats gnaw, looters, well… loot. So I need you to head towards New Canton.”

Five stopped for a beat on the scanners.

“New Canton?” Sam asked as Five started running again, now heading in the direction she should be going.

Janine nodded. “That is what I said. It’s all very straight-forward, Mister Yao. We treat New Canton as our enemy - why?”

It felt like a trick question. “Because… they’ve enforced martial law over there? They refuse to take our people in when under attack, and they’re getting too big, _and_ they’re having dangerous outbreaks of zombie plague?”

“They’re still human, Mister Yao,” Janine said like that fact wasn’t obvious. “If we humans can’t stick together, we can’t expect to survive this extinction threat. I’ve been in touch with the people at New Canton. They’ll be waiting for Runner Five.”

Sam didn’t like this. “I don’t think that sounds as good as I think you think it sounds.”

“It’s all going to be fine. Just keep running, Five. Everything’s going to be fine, trust me.” Janine said cheerily.

“That’s the last thing you should say in situations like this,” Sam said. Yeah, he didn’t like this one bit.

* * *

Five tried very hard not to let her breathing sound shaky, it was just a simple pick up mission. Except for the fact it involved the stronghold everyone in Abel had been telling her was dangerous and full of bad people. Yeah, she wasn't scared at all, being scared meant you had to care on some level, and Five certainly didn’t. Nope.

No, what she was feeling was just adrenaline, or…anticipation. That’s what it was, anticipation.

“Your contact should be meeting you just over the edge of the ridge from where you are right now. Keep running,” Janine ordered over her headset.

_Not like I do anything other than run._ Five thought.

She started down over the ridge enjoying the nice November sun that was starting to set. The walls of New Canton coming into view.

Something mechanical whirred, Five stopped, a large crowd of people were facing her, many pointing guns. A spray of bullets shot up by her feet, mud flicking into the air.

“Runner from Abel Township-,” 

“It’s a trap!” Sam cried.

More bullets sprayed, and Five knew she couldn’t climb back up onto the ridge, it would make her a direct target, she threw herself down the rest of the way, moving closer to the group.

“Take evasive manoeuvres!” Janine ordered.

_I’m trying to, Janine!_

_“_ What _evasive manoeuvres_? This isn’t Top Gun.” Sam cried.

Another volley of bullets stopped her second attempt to sprint.

“Runner from Abel Township, you are surrounded. There’s no hope for escape.”

Five was shaking, she didn’t know what to do, what was she supposed to do, she wasn’t trained for this, she didn’t-

_“_ There’s only one evasive manoeuvre available. Five there’s a break in the, uh-,”

Five spotted it and took a step

“Stop! Not a step further!” The loudspeaker called. Five stopped.

“-Yeah, the wall of people surrounding you. If you keep heading in the direction you’re going, you might go out of scanner range, but Five - just run!

Five did as she was told, she darted for the gap, trying to zigzag her running to make it harder to hit her, something caught her right arm, and she vaguely registered she’d been shot.

She shoved her way through the break, the bullets stopping once she was amongst their own. Five felt arms grab at her, voices demanding her to stop, but Sam told her to run, so she was going to goddamn run.

She struggled out of the crowd, and sprinted away from New Canton to the north, trying to keep up that zigzag to her running despite how desperately she just wanted to flee in a straight line.

Bullets sprayed up the dirt by her heels, one clipped her headset and Five went sprawling, chin colliding hard with the frozen ground, vibrations shaking her skull. She scrambled to her feet, the static in her ear a problem for a later time, and eventually, finally, with no idea how long it had been since the bullets stopped firing, Five stopped in the middle of an empty farmers field.

Entirely alone.

All alone…again.

No idea where she was, no idea what to do.

Blood dripped down her arm, her headset damaged, night almost upon her. Five was well and truly fucked.


	4. Anybody got a match

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Season 1 M7  
> Hope you enjoy!

Sam stared at the screen, the gunshots that accompanied the sudden disconnect set a dread in his stomach. It felt all too familiar.

“Mister Yao, what happened?”

Sam swallowed. “We lost her signal.”

“Well… can we get it back?”

Sam shook himself out of his stupor and started working. “I ahhh… I…we’re transmitting, but…I don’t know if…I don’t know.”

Janine pinched the bridge of her nose. “I believe a check of the equipment will be in order. If you do the equipment here in the comm shack, I will…check the radio tower is up to scratch and…we can work from there.”

Sam nodded, something heavy sitting in his throat.

Janine got up and left in silence.

Troubleshooting everything was probably unnecessary, but it helped him from thinking about what had probably happened. Keep busy, keep working, that way he doesn’t have to imagine what most likely happened to Five.

After some hours of pulling helplessly at a few cables, trying to fight of a panic attack, and Maxine forcing him to eat something, Janine reappeared, just as he was stuffing a bunch of wires behind a monitor to make things look neater.

“It seems she escaped New Cantons guards, they saw her escape north.” She said unprompted.

Sam quickly turned to the monitor he kept running incase Five’s headset pinged. “There’s a huge horde to the north, she’ll never- she had no idea what she was running into!”

Janine stared at the screen as if she had to confirm it for herself. “Runner Five is clever.”

“Clever doesn’t save you from a horde Janine, I’m supposed to do that.”

Janine shuffled. “I’ll have them put the-,”

There was a whir of electricity as the comm shack plummeted into darkness, the equipment all switching off.

“What the fuck?” Sam swore, squinting in the torchlight Janine turned on.

“It seems our equipment has gone down.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“No need for that tone Mister Yao, I’ll just go get it up and running. Why don’t you make yourself useful and turn on the beacon, give Runner Five something to spot through the darkness.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out some keys, handing them over. “Well get to it, the faster that red light is on, the more chance she has of spotting it.”

Sam nearly sprinted out of the room, gripping the key to the ladder of the radio tower.

He scrambled up, wishing he brought some gloves with him as the cold November night nipped at his exposed hands. He was shivering something awful by the time he reached the top and pulled the switch for the beacon.

It nearly blinded him, he just hoped it was enough for Five to spot.

By the time he got back to the comm shack, teeth chattering from the cold, Janine had got the power going again, yet she still looked unhappy.

“Scanner is down, should be until I can repair it, and I won’t be able to repair it without the tech I sent Runner Five to collect.”

What. That couldn’t be right. “So, we have no working scanner?”

“No, we do not.”

“How am I supposed to guide Five home?”

“Its likely Runner Five’s headset was damaged in the attack, it would be wise to send out pings through the night, but-,” She shoved her hands in her pockets. “but it’s likely Runner Five won’t make it back.”

“We can’t know that!”

“Mister Yao, based on the size of that horde, and the direction Runner Five was going in last, it’s likely…I know you don’t want to hear this Sam.”

Sam ran a hand through his hair. “Well, I’m not just going to give up.”

Janine opened her mouth to say something, closed it, then opened it again. “Commendable," she sighed. "Get me if she returns home.”

And with that Janine marched off.

Sam groaned, slamming the door to the comm shack and slumping into his chair. They couldn’t have lost a new runner, not so soon.

It had been nearly three months since they last lost a runner, it was the longest they had gone since the outbreak.

And it just had to be another five. It was always a Five.

He pulled on the headset and flicked on his mic. Sam had to force himself to breath, flattening his hands on the desk to stop them shaking. “Runner Five, Runner Five, come in, Runner Five.” He sighed. “Can you hear me? … Runner Five… Come in.”

It felt a bit pointless just repeating himself. Over and over, If Five could hear him he imagined she’d want something a bit more than just pleas for her to respond. He could see the look on her face now, that amused annoyance.

“Runner Five.” He started again. “I don’t know if you can hear me. Our scanner’s down. It never works that well at night anyway, and a couple of bits of equipment have broken down, so there’s no way to see where you are.” He pulled his knee up to his chest. “Truth is, I… I don’t even know if you’re alive. Odds aren’t good, right? Hey, odds aren’t good for any of us, but I’m still- well. I guess I’m still alive, and that’s about all I can say.”

What was he even talking about? He needed to give Five info not broadcast another breakdown. “Runner Five, we don’t know where you are. We know you didn’t get taken by New Canton, we managed to track that much. But you haven’t come back. It’s the middle of the night, Runner Five, and there’s a reason we don’t send patrols out at night. If you’re where we think you might be - to the north - the area’s swarming with zombies. And they often head for us at night. If they get here before you, we’re going to have to bar the gates. There’ll be no way for you to get in, and we’ll… we’ll have to watch.”

Sam swallowed back the lump in his throat.

“You’re not even my second Runner Five, you know that? You’re my fourth. I guess there’s no better reason you’d make it back than any of the others. But we’ve put the red beacon on top of the tower, so if you can see it, my best advice is to run.”

Sam couldn’t keep going, he flicked off the mic. It was just like last time, it felt just like last time. After Alice switched off her headset, and he just kept transmitting, begging her to turn it back on and run home.

Now he was doing nearly the same thing with someone he barely knew. He wanted to get some air, but what if Five responded in that time. No. No, he needed to stay, he owed her that much, even if she was a complete stranger.

“So… I’m just going to keep talking for a while. I mean, for all I know, I could be talking into the ear of a zombie. But, hey undead fiend who used to be my friend, Runner Five - at least I can irritate you with the sound of food you can’t get at.” He laughed a little manically to himself. “Over here! Look at this tasty human meat!”

Sam’s amusement died, the realisation that this might not just be a joke coming back. “Yeah… we’ve all gone a bit crazy these past few months, haven’t we, Five? I mean, you know. That’s the thing you don’t really think about during an apocalypse. How it’s going to affect your ability to, like, be normal ever again? Do you think we’ve just… forgotten how to be normal? Do you even remember what normal felt like?”

Sam frowned. “I called you my friend just before, didn’t I?” God, he knew nothing about Five and he called her a friend. Was she a friend? Did Sam actually like Five? He supposed if she were dead it didn’t really matter, and if she were alive…Sam didn’t seem to think of her as not-friend.

“Is that cool with you?” He asked. “I mean… well, I’m definitely not your friend if you’ve gone grey. But I feel like we have a kind of-,” He searched for the word, “-simpatico… something?” Yeah, it wasn’t that. 

“Not that we’ve ever really talked. I guess we’re talking now. So… yeah, well, let’s just talk like normal people, like… buddies, or something. Yeah, before all this, I bet you had a pretty good life, eh. Someone like you, yeah, I can see it - people you cared about, job you didn’t hate.” He trailed off.

He knew absolutely nothing, nothing, he didn’t even know her name, or what she did before or what food she liked or anything about her personality. He knew nothing. Sam made it a point of pride how much he took care of his runners, and he knew nothing.

Sam continued to ramble, the verbal diarrhoea getting worse as he got more anxious and the night got later. At one point he thought it was a good idea to go wake up Janine. That plan was about as solid as his plan to run away from Five when he had his breakdown. Something had to be said about how his mind rationalised shitty ideas under tiredness and stress.

He began rambling about his parents, things he hadn’t even brought up with himself since he had to deal with them. Stuff he buried with their bodies at the start of the outbreak, Five didn’t need to hear about his daddy issues, but still, he wanted to say it.

He hugged himself as he talked. “You know what else is weird? How… some person you barely knew will just suddenly come floating into your head. Like this guy, this guy I used to see in engineering lectures. This really tall guy, red hair, gangly looking. I think his name was Steve, or um, maybe Simon, or something. Dunno if I ever spoke to him once. He used to pick his nose in lectures. As if no one could see him. We could all see him, man!

“And uh, you know, I hadn’t thought about him for a minute, and then today, this morning, I just woke up from dreaming about him, and I realised I couldn’t remember his name! And he’s probably dead, and maybe I’m the only person left alive who remembers him at all anymore, and-,” Sam bowed his head, Five was a mystery, completely alone in her isolation“-and maybe, you know, well, maybe that’s how it’ll be with you, Runner Five. If you’re gone, who’ll be left to remember you?”

Sam sniffed. It couldn’t be him. He didn’t know what he had to remember. The likelihood would be that Five wouldn’t return, and she would become an odd blip in the story of Abel, that one weird runner who had no name and disappeared barely three months into being in the town.

He felt like he did wrong by her.

Someone knocked at the door. Sam took off the headset and pulled it open, blinking at the light behind Janine.

“Mister Yao, it’s late.” She said.

Sam squinted. “I…didn’t wake you up this time.”

“No.” She looked past him at the monitors. “I can take over from here, send out pings till morning.”

Sam started to disagree, but she held up her hand to silence him. “You have missions set for early tomorrow, it would be in everyone’s best interest if you got some sleep, we also have had a few zombies push into the gate, if she’s not back soon, she’ll be locked out.”

Sam turned to look back at the blank screen. “Okay, give me a moment please.”

Janine looked like she wanted to argue, but she bit her tongue and nodded, heading back out to the wall.

Sam sat back down, pulling on the headset with shaky hands. “Oh, I dunno, Five. They said to me just now I should probably hit the sack sometime soon.” He yawned, how late was it? “They’ll send on someone else to keep sending out pings through the night, but I’ve gotta be honest… we’re losing hope here. A couple of zombs have arrived at the gates, and that usually means the bigger horde is on its way. Maybe only a few minutes ‘til we bar the gate.”

Sam fiddled with his sleeve. “Another good runner gone. Another piece of equipment lost. And we’re… The next time I see your face, maybe I’ll have to shoot you in the head.” Another Alice. “No one stays sane through this, Five. Whatever the future is, it’s not going to be like the past. No ice cream rolls will make it better, no… no one saying they’re proud of me would make it okay.

“Maybe you’re better off, see, is what I’m saying. I know we’re not supposed to say that, but… but sometimes I think, maybe, if you don’t have to try to build the future, you’re one of the lucky ones. Maybe…”

Janine called out to him to check the monitor from the wall. Sam nearly groaned.

“What? What is it? I told you, the scanner’s down, we can’t-,” Sam froze. “Oh my god.”

On the north gate camera, he could see in the night vision, the deliberate movement of a human running up the hill to Abel.

“Is that…” There, in her hair, a bright yellow ribbon. “Runner Five! I can see you!”

Sam shot out of his seat. “Runner Five? Runner Five, if you can hear me, I can see you!” She waved, stumbling a little, arm quickly going back to gripping her other arm. She was injured and - shit. “Oh my god, Five, You can’t see them, but there’s a tail behind you. Zombies, about thirty of them. They’re getting closer, I dunno, they make that sound at night. Run, Five!”

Sam threw off his headset, running out of the shack, screaming at the guards to raise the gates. It was barely more than hip height when she skidded under it, rolling onto her back, the gate lowering again just as the first of the pack collided into it, guards shooting them down.

She lay on her back panting, eyes shut as she gripped her arm.

Sam dropped to his knees next to her, terrified she was gravely injured. “Five are you okay, Five!” His voice was shrill.

Five squinted at him through one eye, face covered in scratches, blood, and dirt, nose scrunched. Then she laughed.

Not the humourless dry laugh Five made when she was annoyed or exasperated. A proper laugh mixed with high pitched giggles and deep rolling belly laughs.

She raised a hand to her face as she sat up, grimacing a little but still manically chuckling, shoulders shaking.

“Five?”

Her laughter died, she bowed her head, pulling her knees a little closer to her chest, curling in on herself as she took a long shaky breath.

She swallowed, then reached out and grabbed his sleeve, gripping it so tight he thought it might rip, and gave him a heartfelt smile.

“God Five.” Sam wrapped his arms around her neck, pulling her into a hug. “God Five you know you’re not supposed to laugh when you come back from a dangerous mission, it’s unsettling.” He joked.

Five was stiff in his arms, shaking slightly, but she didn’t completely freeze up like the last time he gave her a hug, in fact, her grip on his sleeve tightened.

“Mister Yao, we have protocol, Runner Five hasn’t gone through her bite checks.”

Sam sighed, pulling away, not missing how Five still tried to keep a grip on his sleeve, even as Jack pulled him away. Sam dumbly wondered why he didn’t clock Jack was on guard duty.

“Five, are you bitten?” Janine asked.

Five shook her head, struggling to her feet.

Janine looked sceptical. “What is that injury on your arm?”

Five made a gun shape with her hand.

“You got shot!” Sam yelled.

Five made a face like she was holding back more laughter.

“This isn’t funny Five!”

She held up her thumb and forefinger.

Sam folded his arms. “No, it’s not even a _little_ funny.”

“Mister Yao, go tell Dr Myers she’s needed whilst I make sure Five isn’t a danger,” Janine said, pulling out a gun from a holster and grabbing Five’s good arm, taking her to the small shack they used to double check runners weren’t hiding bites in privacy.

Five gave him a weak smile and waved as she was dragged away, and Sam realised rather embarrassingly she heard everything he transmitted.

“Fuck.”

* * *

He hovered, he was a hoverer, always had been and always will be. Once his younger sister broke her ankle and he hovered at her side for near on two weeks. He didn’t even get on with his sister all that well at the time, they were at the age where siblings just can’t stand each other. Yet he hovered because he wanted to be near. If he was near, then he could help if needed.

Sam hovered in the entrance to the quarantine whilst Maxine spoke to Five in hushed tones. She passed bite checks, but Janine wasn’t so sure her open wound wasn’t uninfected, and forbid Maxine using up scarce medical supplies until Five had been quarantined for at least twelve hours.

“I can stitch it up in the morning,” Maxine repeated. “It’s just a flesh wound you’ll be fine…I know, I know you’re not worried, but _I_ am…oh don’t give me that look, of course I’m worried, you’re my friend…Christ Five how dense are you? I am your friend.”

Sam swallowed, remembering what he had said to Five over the headset.

“Look Five, I’ll blame your stupidity on the fact that you look like someone just dragged you behind a truck for a few hours, but we _will_ be talking about this once you’re out of quarantine, no that is not optional…you…it’s good to have you back Five, try and get some sleep, and quarantine will be over before you know it. I’ll be back in a few hours to check on you, just sit tight.”

Maxine stepped out, looking a little surprised as she bumped into him. “Sam?”

“Is she okay?” Sam asked, peaking around the corner.

Maxine squinted. “Well…she got shot, so…Sam, what are you doing here?”

Sam wasn’t quite so sure himself, he figured he needed to talk to Five about what he said. “I wanted to be sure she was okay.”

Maxine raised a brow. “I was under the impression you didn’t like Five.” She said, lowering her voice.

“What…no, did I give you that impression.”

“A little, yeah.”

Sam swallowed. “I…didn’t mean for that.”

Maxine studied him for a moment, then sighed. “If she didn’t catch the virus, she’ll be fine, she’s a little shaken, very tired, the bullet went clean through, no permanent damage other than another scar.”

Right, the scars, another thing Sam knew nothing about with this new Five.

Maxine looked down at the mug in his hands. “What you got there, Sammy?”

Sam smiled to himself. “Uhhh, hot chocolate…for Five.”

Maxine raised a brow. “You are too good,” she said as she walked away, giving him a wave before heading back to her bunk.

Sam took a deep breath and stepped into quarantine.

Five was in a makeshift jailcell Janine had managed to pry out of an old paddy wagon and set up in one of those portable classrooms a local school was no longer needing. It had taken over a week to get the whole place fully secure, and it still looked really shoddy, but it did the job. Luckily, no one had turned in here yet. Just a few worried and sleepless nights with Simon and Jody.

Five was sat on the mattress pushed up against the wall, head leaning back, if it weren’t for the pained look on her face, and the way her hand gripped her arm, he would have thought she was sleeping. She was in an oversized shirt and nothing else, the clothes she wore on the run taken to be disinfected in case of zombie guts on them, leaving her legs bare. Sam noted another scar on her right calf, the same sort of scarring as the one on her elbow and face.

Sam made a point of making his footsteps loud, so she didn’t jump like she so often did.

Five opened her eyes, squinted at him, then frowned.

“Hey Five,” he held up the mug. “Peace offering?”

Five’s frown deepened, watching him as he pushed the mug through the bars. She stood, wobbled over, and picked up the mug, smelling it. He noted the surprise on her face.

“Seeing as you were so kind to give me something so nice, you should at least get a mug of it.”

Five raised a brow at him.

“I…uh…I never did thank you for it. Don’t know why, I figured it out ages ago I guess…” he trailed off, “Uhhh.”

Sam ran a hand through his hair, tiredness slamming hard into his chest, he swayed a little, before finally deciding to sit, leaning against the wall next to where the bars met the wall. Five watched him all the while, still cradling the mug in her hands.

“What I said, tonight, I um…I didn’t think you were listening, like, I know I kept referring to you and…I just. I don’t know, I didn’t know you could hear me.” He pulled his knees up to his chest. “Some of what I said I hadn’t told anyone and, I don’t want you to think you have to care or whatnot because I…I shouldn’t have burdened you with that.”

Five sat down, leaning against the wall with her good shoulder, facing him through the bars.

“And all that shit I said about who’s gonna remember you, and maybe you’d be better of dead and-,” he stopped, Five was motioning for a pen.

Sam reached into his pocket. “I actually do have one, made a point of always carrying one around after you were without that time,” he said as he handed it over.

Five stared at him for a second, then started to write something, she held it up.

_You called me your friend._

Sam nodded. “Yeah, is that okay with you?”

Five frowned, god she looked tired, what was he doing keeping her up when she clearly was desperate for a nap.

She started writing again, nose scrunched.

_It’d be nice to have a friend._ She wrote.

Sam felt something in him break a little. “Maxine’s your friend,” he said.

She nodded at that. _But not you?_ She wrote.

“No…I didn’t mean, I mean…me _and_ Maxine. I’d like to be your friend.”

Five tried to hide a smile by bowing her head and scrunching her face. It didn’t work, and it was kind of adorable.

“God, behind all those annoyed glares, who would have thought you’re secretly a huge softie.” Sam teased.

Five glared at him.

“Nope, that’s not gonna work on me anymore, glares don’t work on friends.”

She pursed her lips. _You are insufferable._ She wrote.

“It’s my only talent, I work very hard at it.” Sam said.

She shook her head as she wrote again, he read as she did, learning to read upside down when he was twelve and trying to impress girls coming in handy finally.

_You saved my life again. Not that it’s worth-_ Five scratched out the last bit and wrote underneath. _Thank you._ Instead.

Sam didn’t like where the original sentence was going, but he ignored it for now.

“All I did was talk at you about my problems, which is all I feel like I do around you,” Sam admitted. The last time they spoke, well he spoke at her, was on Halloween two days ago when he had been so drunk, he told her Alice wouldn’t have liked her.

She tapped her cheek with the pen as she thought.

_You made me not feel alone, I’m grateful for that. I wouldn’t have made it back otherwise._

Sam smiled at her. “Well…you’re welcome. I’m glad you’re back, because now we can actually work on being friends.”

She groaned loudly and wrote again. _Ugh, do I have to?_

“Okay, wow, rude, we just had a heartfelt moment, and you went and ruined it.”

_What can I say, emotions make me uncomfortable. Give me good old fashioned British stiff upper lip any day._

“Oh, is that why you laughed when you got back, cuz that was really weird.”

Five smiled as she wrote. _I laugh when I’m in pain, freaks Sara out a lot when she forces me to spar with her._

Sam tilted his head. “Has anyone told you you’re a bit odd?”

_Now who’s being rude._

Sam laughed, a little surprised that he was actually enjoying Five’s company. He thought this chat was going to end in another awkward silence, but instead, something in him felt warm, hopeful even.

Five tried to stifle a yawn, but he could see just how exhausted she was, and her arm was causing her grief, not to mention she was still stuck in quarantine for another twelve hours, he should probably leave to let her get some rest.

Sam nodded at the hot chocolate. “Don’t you dare waste a hot chocolate as good as that, I can forgive choosing ranger as your favourite dnd class, I cannot forgive this.”

She rolled her eyes and started sipping on the drink, eyes getting droopier as she did so.

Sam stood, “I should get to bed, it’s really, really late,” he said. “How about I see you at dinner tomorrow…today…uh, you know what I mean, come find me at dinner yeah?”

She nodded.

“Great…cool. Uhh, Goodnight Five.”

Sam turned to leave, stopping at the door when Five hit the bars a few times with the mug.

“What’s up?”

Five held up the notebook.

“Right yeah…” he went to take it, but she quickly scribbled down one last note then handed the whole thing over.

_I’m proud of you Sam. It might not be much to you, but it’s something._

Sam felt a flush of embarrassment at Five knowing how much these words meant to him.

He swallowed. “Ahhh, thanks Five. Night!”

And with that Sam bolted out of the room, trying to hide how much he was chocking up.


	5. Keep your head low

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to s1m9
> 
> CONTENT WARNINGS: Panic attack, existential crisis, PTSD symptoms, kid zombs.  
> This is a very introspective chapter, and I do write out the internal thoughts of someone going through a panic attack. This might be triggering for some people so please know that you can skip this chapter as it's a bit more of a character study than actual major plot points.   
> In addition, I have taken care to research mutism, selective mutism, and becoming non-verbal as a result of traumatic events, but there is, unfortunately, a rather small amount of studies done on mutism in adults in recent years, and the few articles I could find were anecdotal. With most of the studies being done on a small sample size of children, or soldiers from WW1 where mutism in the troops was rather common and was believed to be a choice and not an actual condition (meaning the studies were a little...off), it's actually really difficult to find any comprehensive research on it that isn't behind a paywall. Because of this, it is possible that I have gotten things wrong, so please if you feel as if I am misrepresenting an aspect do not feel afraid to call me out. I am constantly trying to learn more about it, but mistakes could still be made and I would like to correct them as soon as possible!   
> On the same note, I am a little more well versed in PTSD and complex PTSD, both of which I am trying to convey, however, again, my personal experience and research are not to be taken as comprehensive, though I have researched trauma responses extensively, I could still have made many mistakes.   
> Take care of yourself, and stay safe out there!

“How’s that arm of yours holding up Five?” Sara asked as they jogged towards the downed chopper.

Five shrugged, it still ached, but honestly, Five thought getting shot would hurt more. Maxine had said it was just a flesh wound, so that might be why she was able to get back out in the field just a little over a week after she got shot.

“Another scar for the collection, eh?” Sara continued. “You will have to tell me how you got your others, I love a good scar story, wanna know how I got this on here on my arm?”

_Not really, no._ Five thought. Apparently, she didn’t hide the expression well enough on her face as Sara sucked her teeth.

“You are a real piece of work you know that right?” Sara said. “But you are particularly sour today, wake up on the wrong side of the bunk or something?”

_Would have preferred to have not woken up at all._ Five thought. All she wanted to do was curl up and hide from everything today, just for a day, just for one goddamn day.

Sara tutted and continued jogging onwards.

“You said you were at Mullins a few weeks after the outbreak?” she started again.

Five said no such thing.

“Well, the records say they picked you up a month into the outbreak, injured and covered in your own blood.”

Five stopped running, staring at the back of Sara’s head.

Sara slowed and turned slowly to face her, crossing her arms. “I was at Mullins too you know, just after the start, and I never saw you wandering around. I guess Mullins is a big place but still, you would think when a girl like you makes a big as entrance as that, I would have heard something, but there was nothing. Nada. I wonder why that is?”

Five really didn’t want to do this today, not another weird interrogation mixed with mind games and exhausting rhetoric. Sara seemed to have it in her head that Five was some dangerous outside agent. The truth was Five was actually really really boring. Like, embarrassingly so.

“And then, after you appear out of nowhere, you conveniently can’t speak, nor do you admit to any name after the chopper went down, well that’s enough to put anyone on edge.”

Five smirked. Did Sara think she was some Russian spy using mutism to cover up a Russian accent? That would be funny. _Sorry, Sara, it’s just good old fashioned trauma instead._

“What is that look on your face?” Sara asked in a tone that made Five blanch.

Five quickly wiped her face blank and bowed her head. When Sara didn’t start yelling Five was a little surprised.

Sara sighed and motioned for them to continue running.

After they dealt with the poor pilot in the chopper, Sara went digging through the back, grabbing the stuff Five left behind in her haste to escape the horde.

She mumbled to herself as she worked, whilst Five kept an eye out for any other dangers. Five didn’t like being back here, she still got an anxious feeling in the pit of her chest when she thought about the moment she knew the chopper was going down.

That brief pause when you realise, you’re in free fall, the stomach flipping, brain orienting itself, and everything going so fast you can’t even notice your own thoughts, just the sick clarity that comes with adrenaline. Five sometimes jerked herself awake at night with dreams of falling. Not like the falling dreams of before, but long dreams, of just plummeting, trapped in a metal can with no way out and no voice helping her.

Eventually, the mop of Sara’s curly blonde hair poking out of the chopper brought Five back from her brooding. She had to try a few times to get her concentration focussed back on Sara and not on the thought of falling before she realised Sara was talking.

Sara held up a small plastic card. “Look, I found your ID!” 

Five resisted the urge to soothe the headache forming at her temples.

“It’s looking pretty good for you Five…oh…oh, I see why you have such a stick up your ass today.”

Five closed her eyes.

“Welp, and there’s your military cred, you’re a recruit, oh civilian recruit. Just like we expected.”

Five opened her eyes again, giving Sara a _can we go home now_ look.

Sara smiled at her. “Come help me with this gear and let’s get going.”

* * *

Five poked at her stew, she never liked stew, fancy slop really. When Sam sat down next to her she scooped out the kitchen's shoddy attempts at dumplings and put them in his bowl. She thought maybe after a week of giving Sam all the food she couldn’t eat he would get sick of it, but if Sam could do anything brilliantly, it was put away food like no one’s business.

No wonder he was so tall, he had to have somewhere to put all that food. Five never actually noticed how tall Sam was before now. Being on the taller side herself and growing up in a tall family she tended not to notice unless someone pointed it out to her.

Sam did this thing where he would lower himself to try and not stand at his full height so as to not be intimidating, it was adorable in a way, but probably not great for his posture. He did it whilst he was sitting too, maybe she shou-

“Uhhh, Five, why are you staring at me?”

Five blinked. She shook her head and went back to her meal.

“So, Five, Sara, find anything useful at the chopper today?” Eugene asked.

Sara settled down on Five’s other side, elbowing Five up to make more room for Maggie and Jody. “We didn’t find anything for that little radio show if that’s what you’re asking,” Sara said as she pulled out some of her own personal supply of seasoning from her pocket.

“Not everything is about our show,” Jack said.

“No…it sort of is,” Eugene said. “Not like we have anything else to do to fill our time.”

“I could think of a few things we could do to pass the time,” Jack said.

“Guys…the no flirting at dinner rule isn’t just for Simon,” Jody reminded them.

“Simons not here,” Jack said.

“Yeah, and I wish I wasn’t either,” Maggie said.

“Where is our dear Simon?” Sara asked, offering Five some pepper. Five was shocked, Sara never shared her personal stash of seasoning. She wasn’t going to say no to free pepper.

“He had a rough run this morning,” Sam said, face a little grim. “Think he went bed early.”

Five made a mental note to leave Simon some food after dropping something off with Maxine, who also suspiciously wasn’t at dinner. It wasn’t uncommon for her, but Five still didn’t like it when she skipped meals.

Jody sniffed. “Oh, what kind of bad?”

“Kid zombs. He had to veer off course into a nursery school.” Sam explained.

There was a mumble of agreement from everyone about how bad kid zombies are.

Five had yet to deal with any, maybe there were some things she was lucky with.

Maggie thankfully got the conversation back onto something a bit cheerier, she managed to flag some locked warehouses that very likely hadn’t been touched on her run, meaning a new influx of supplies soon once they organised a proper mission out there.

Five didn’t miss the way Sam kept nudging her arm to get her to listen. Since their conversation after that disastrous mission to New Canton, Sam had taken it upon himself to get her to befriend the others. Active listening was his top priority at the moment, but Five really wasn’t feeling in today, she just couldn’t get herself through that haze. She wasn't sure she wanted too.

He gave up after a while, letting her just poke her food around her bowl undisturbed until everyone started to file out again or break into their own private conversations.

“You doing okay Five?” Sam asked, voice low so the others didn’t hear.

Five automatically nodded.

“You just haven’t eaten anything.”

Five set the spoon down, then pushed the bowl towards him.

“Uhhh, no I think you should eat it.”

Five was about to insist when a hand landed on her shoulder, Sara was leaning over her holding a package.

“This is for you, a gift.” She said, putting it down on the table next to Five’s dinner, then walked off.

“What was that about?” Sam asked.

Five picked up the package, it was a bag of chocolate chip biscuits.

“A gift, a gift for what?”

Five turned over the pack, they were really nice biscuits too. Too bad she couldn’t eat them. Five pretended she didn’t know what they were for, shoving them in her hoody’s pockets, nodding once more at her food.

“Yeah I’m not hungry,” Sam said.

Five raised a brow.

“Okay yeah I am, but like, Five, you should eat something.”

She went to pull out a note pad, but Sam produced his before she could gesture for a pen.

_I’m just feeling a bit off today._ She wrote.

“Off? Do you need to see Maxine or-,”

_I’m going to take Maxine her dinner, don’t worry it’s nothing._ She wrote, then handed him back his notebook and took his clean plate, pushing her full one towards him.

The kitchen staff were used to her taking Maxine food now, she smiled a thanks once they plated up her meal, adding a few extra dumplings for the good doctor.

It was already dark out, though It wasn't even past six. Janine had spent a good portion of the past few weeks setting up some old fashioned candlelit lanterns across the dirt tracks that made up Abel's pathways. They barely did more than light up the path, and often one would be so close to its last legs that Five didn't notice and trip over it, knocking the candle out. She took extra care as she carried Maxine's meal to not trip.

Usually, when Maxine missed dinner, it was because she was either too deep in her work to notice the time, or too exhausted from work she fell asleep at her desk, head nestled in the crook of her elbow. Five would have killed to have a work ethic like Maxine, but seeing it in action every day was a little exhausting. It was admirable, but for a doctor, she was really bad at taking care of herself. She drank enough coffee to kill a horse. Five couldn't talk, she drank just a much tea as Maxine drank coffee, and whoever said tea was healthier was a liar, it just tastes better.

Five was preparing her _disappointed in you_ face, she almost had it perfected, but that idea was quickly out of the window when she found Maxine crying, her head in her hands, shoulders shaking.

Five put the plate down loudly. Maxine's head shot up, tears on her cheeks.

“Oh…god Five…I was just-,” Maxine faltered. “There really isn’t a way I can pretend I’ve not been crying is there?”

Five gave her the _no shit_ look.

She sat down at the table opposite Maxine, folding her arms, then when Maxine didn’t say anything, Five waved her hand. _Well, are you gonna talk about it?_

Maxine laughed. “Yeah…um,” she looked down at the stew. “Why do they always give me extra dumplings, I really don’t like them.”

Five raised a brow.

“Yeah. I’m stalling.” Maxine picked up her spoon. “My girlfriend, Paula, It’s our anniversary, and…I forgot the last one, we both did, so much work and well, I told myself I was going to make this one special. I really did, planned it since this time last year, really something special.”

Maxine took a few mouthfuls of food, then started to cry again. “I just miss her, Five, I miss her so much. And it’s not just her. I miss…” Maxine trailed off. “I just got stuck in thinking about the past today. Like, I was so into my work, just completely focussed, and I had a question, and I found myself calling out for one of my old colleagues that specialised in that field. It took me ages to figure out why he wasn't answering." Maxine chuckled. "I didn't even like the guy, he was a little sexist you know the type but...” she trailed off into a laugh. "Well, then I started crying."

Five nodded, not sure what to do.

Maxine wiped her face, taking a few breathes, before pressing the palm of her hand into her eye. “God…I know you mean well Five, and I really appreciate you being here, but…I’d like some time alone if that’s okay, I’m sorry I-,”

Five stood, if Maxine wanted to be alone Five wasn’t going to impose on that. She gave Maxine’s shoulder a squeeze, something she’d seen Sam do a few times and wondered if it would be okay for Five to do as well.

Maxine didn’t seem weirded out by it, she rested her hand on top of Five’s for a second, patting it.

“I’ll be okay, I just need time.”

Five smiled, tapped Maxine’s plate to remind her to eat and left.

She was more than ready to finally curl up in bed and let that haze take over. She just wanted to stop, just for a second, well, more than a second for the rest of the day.

This day was always coming, but for some bizarre reason, she thought that by acting like it didn’t she could force herself to forget. Maybe if she just pretended time didn’t exist, it wouldn’t keep moving forward till it finally stopped for her.

Five was always existential, even before the end of the world, now when death not only surrounded her but actively hunted her out, Five was trying very hard not to have another existential crisis nearly every second, because she wasn’t sure she’d be able to get herself out like all the previous times. If she just went to sleep, she could just forget about it and hopefully wake up not thinking about it.

Five paused. Someone was panting hard in the training field, obscured in darkness as the form moved back and forth. Simon was going hard, sprinting from one end of the track to the other, dropping down into a few push-ups then sprinting again.

She could just leave him to it, her and Simon’s relationship couldn’t be described much more than _we know the other exists_ , she didn’t need to check on him. Did she even care enough to check on him?

If there was anyone in Abel further from the kind of person Five would be friends with, it would be Simon. They hadn't even been on any runs together. Evan liked to pair runners based on skill. Fast runners with tactical ones. Someone who could get in and out, and someone who could plan and give orders. Five and Sara, Simon and Evan, Jody and Maggie. Evan didn't need two speedy dumbasses on one run. Hence no Five and Simon pair runs.

Five sighed. If Sam was trying with her, she could at least try with the others.

She jogged over to the track, waving at him.

“Five?” Simon called. “Did you want to use the track?”

Five shook her head, then pulled out her notebook.

_Heard you had a bad run. You okay?_

Simon laughed. “Who’d you hear that from, Sam?”

Five nodded.

“Oh well, you know what our Sammy is like. Always worrying, worry, worry, worry, our Sam. I’m fine.”

She gestured widely at the track.

“Gotta keep fit ain’t I?” He said smirking. “You don’t look as good as this on accident.” He winked.

Five really had to fight to keep herself trying with this man.

_Kid zombies are the worst._ She wrote.

Simon sighed. “Yeah, yeah, they are…but I’m fine, really, Five, though…it was awfully kind of you to check on me, if I didn’t know any better I would say its cuz you like me.”

_If I have to live with you, I don’t want to live with you sobbing._ Five wrote.

“And here I thought we were making a _special_ connection.” He wiggled his eyebrows

_I’ll connect my fist with your face if you keep using flirting as a deflection._

Simon read the line, then read it again and chuckled. “I’m sure that sounded scarier in your head than it did in mine,” He said. “Look Five, you don’t need to check on me, I’m all good, right as rain, just needed to get moving, you know?”

Five did know, which is why she didn’t believe any of the bullshit he was spouting, but she was also quickly running out of the energy to keep trying.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the biscuits Sara gave her, handing them over.

“What’s this for?”

_You missed dinner, and I heard you talking about missing biscuits the other day, just don’t tell Sara you have them._ Five wrote.

Simon turned the pack over. “Damn, Five, these are quality…where did you get them?”

Five tapped her nose conspiratorially. _Don’t work yourself too hard._ She wrote.

He gave Five a quick salute, watching as she walked away before getting back on with his sadness running. She should probably have tried more.

Five was so nearly back to her bunk she could see the runner’s tent, she could almost feel the warmth of her sleeping bag. Just gotta get across the empty quad and-

“Runner Five?”

Five could have wept.

She made herself stand straighter as Janine stepped into the light of the fire that was slowly rumbling away. Janine was another woman that scared Five. There was no way she wasn't military, she carried herself the exact same way all the stuck up self-assured soldiers at Mullins did, back straight, shoulders back, foot placement too careful. Yeah, Janine and Eight were about as civilian as Five was an agent.

“Your mission today with Eight was successful."

It wasn’t a question, so Five didn’t respond, waiting for Janine to reach her point.

“Which is fortunate, the consequences for the alternative would not have been pleasant. Ms Smith informed me that there was no evidence on who took the helicopter down. Not that there would be, I do not imagine whoever did it went and tagged the helicopter once it crashed. But we had at least hoped there would have been something more than the half amount of supplies you were bringing in.” Janine straightened out her shirt, a little whisp of her hair caught on the wind. _She is rather pretty,_ Five thought. Not that this was the right time to be thinking that. "How are you settling into Abel?"

Five shrugged. 

Janine squinted, the shrug wasn't adequate apparently, funny, seemed to work for everyone else. "Have you considered learning BSL, it would be an invaluable skill, I would not mind setting up a mission for us to search some textbooks on them."

Five had considered it, and she would like to learn, it would be easier than having to write everything out, but for it to work everyone else would have to learn it too, and she wasn't sure she could ask that of them. They didn't even like her. Five shrugged again. 

"Okay. Well, I hope you know the mystery of who took down your helicopter is still on my mind."

_Mine too. Twinsies,_ Five thought grimly. 

Janine frowned, eyes searching Five's face. "You _can_ rely on me Runner Five, I hope you know that." Five really needed to get better at making her expression more agreeable. 

Janine stepped a little closer to Five. “And after today's mission, I know _we_ can fully rely on _you_ when the time comes, especially with situations such as Project Greenshoot.”

Right, the thing that wasn't the thing she was told it was but everyone seemed to think she knew what it was, and kept giving her vague notions that it was a little more important than setting up some tents. Yes, that thing. Five was too tired to think right now, so she just nodded, which seemed to be what Janine wanted.

“Very good, Runner Five.” She said. “It’s good to have you fully on board.”

Janine strolled away.

_Okay, that was odd._

Five wasn’t waiting anymore, she tried her best to keep from running into the runner's tent, kicking off her boots and stumbling towards her bunk, she unzipped the tarp to her room, and blessedly, Five’s glorious bed made and ready for her to fall into.

The zip to the bunk behind her opened.

“Hey Five, I wondered where you got too.”

Five bowed her head. _Why Sam, why would you do this? Why would you betray me in such a way?_

“Five are you okay?”

Five spun, scowling at him.

Sam nervously laughed. “Damn, did I do something?”

Five relented, she raised a hand to her head and rubbed at the thrumming forming over her left eye, soothing the pain just a little before finally shaking her head, poking her thumb behind her at her bed.

“Oh right…” Sam studied her face for a few moments, Five couldn’t quite place the emotion. “I was gonna see if you wanted to play portal two with me in the rec room.”

Five cocked her head.

“Have you played portal two?”

Five nodded.

“You have?”

Five nodded again, a little amused at his surprise.

Sam bounced excitedly and grabbed her arm. “Right let's go, the rec room awaits!”

He dragged Five out of the tent, not noticing she wasn’t wearing any shoes, running across the dirt track towards the rec room. Five felt the damp earth seep in through her socks, a chill running through her, grateful for the warmth once the barn door shut behind them.

Jody waved at them from her little armchair, going back to her knitting, Maggie leaning against her legs as she read.

Sam let go of her arm and ran to the TV, setting it up, bouncing excitedly to himself as he worked. She ran her fingers over the place Sam held her arm. That was odd.

Five’s head was thrumming even more but she didn’t have the heart to turn around and leave, the disappointed look on Sam's face was the worst. Her socks squelched as she waddled over to Bonnie curled up by the fire, squatting down and scratching her ears. Bonnie whined a little, stretching out as Five scratched under her chin. _We should get a cat. Every good home needs a cat._ Five thought, flattening Bonnie’s ears and pulling a funny face at her.

Bonnie yawned, curling back up.

“Right, we don’t have two controllers so we’re gonna play story mode, do you wanna go first?” Sam called, turning the Xbox on.

Five nodded, taking the controller from him and sitting down cross-legged facing the screen. Sam lay on his front, propped up on his elbows, kicking his legs behind him, positively beaming.

Five started the game, knowing exactly what to do during the opening with Wheatley. It hadn’t been too long since she last played Portal 2, she used to play it with her housemates at uni, well, she would play it whilst they complained that all the flipping made them dizzy.

Five actually liked the fast movement the most. She felt strangely focussed when things were moving faster, as if things were finally at her speed, instead of her having to slow down to meet the normal speed. It was the same with running. When things were going so fast, and she barely had time to notice her own thoughts, Five felt calm.

Maybe that’s why the plummet from the chopper had been on her mind so much, it wasn’t that she was scared, is that she was so painfully aware, aware that this could be the end. She had been so focussed, reality clear, she was going to die, and she was going to die alone.

Five handed Sam the controller.

“Oh are you sure, but you were doing so well?”

Five nodded, and Sam took over.

She could have died, Five could have died. It didn’t really hit her until just now. If probability changed, if one thing happened differently, if Five pulled the parachute at a different time, if the rocket launcher fired a second earlier, the wind was a little stronger, Five would be dead.

It would be over. This would all be over. Blackness. No not even blackness. Nothingness. She couldn’t even imagine it. Nothingness.

God…Five could not exist right now.

She pulled her knees up to her chest. Five usually got existential this time of year, now that she had nearly three close calls in five months Five was a little surprised she was holding it together.

Was she holding it together?

What was there to hold? Five couldn’t speak, that wasn’t holding it together. The doctors at Mullins called it PTSD, but everyone had PTSD at this point, and not everyone went around being unable to speak or latching onto a new name. It wasn’t that Five chose not to speak, she saw the way people did it, the way their mouths moved, how they worked through words, she knew how it worked, she’d done it before, god she used to not shut up before, but it's like she forgot, physically she forgot. Like an arm going dead and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get it to work even though she could see it was attached to her.

What was wrong with her, what was actually wrong with her? Five hadn’t really sat down and thought, she hadn’t really had time. After everything went wrong, after arriving at Mullins, after making it to Abel, she never had this. A moment, a moment to just think about how truly messed up things were, about how truly messed up she was.

Was there something to hold together?

And what was it she was trying to hold onto to? Five wasn’t like she was before, Five didn’t _know_ what she was like before. It had been so clear then, a point of pride, a point of absolute fucking pride, who she was. But what about now? What was she now made of now? She was trying to restring a burning tapestry but the threads were turning to ash before she could figure out where they once lay, lines of personality disintegrating, she couldn't even see the colour of them.

Who was she before?

Five shot up, stumbling to the door, vaguely registering the wet earth through her socks as she ran around the back of the barn.

She knew logically what was happening, she’d had panic attacks before, she’d managed to get herself through them before. She'd get herself through this one too. It had been years but she could do it, just like she always did. If she could do it alone then, she could do it alone now.

Five focussed on her breathing, trying desperately to ignore the fact she felt like she was dying.

_You’re tricking yourself, tell yourself you’re fine._

But she wasn’t fine, it wasn’t like the panic attacks she had before, things were not going to be okay. Things would never be okay. She was alone.

Breathing, breathing. That’s what she had to focus on, breathing.

Five counted as she breathed in, counting as she paced in a circle. Five counts. _Five…funny_. She exhaled, counting for eight. Eight counts.

Okay, and repeat, repeat and stop crying and repeat and stop crying.

And stop.

Five finally got her breathing under control, wiping her face with shaky hands. She watched the cloud of air forming around her face as she breathed, the cold air feeling good in her throat.

_You’re okay. You’re okay._ She told herself, more out of habit than actual belief. She wasn’t okay, but nothing was really going to change that.

She gave herself a few more moments, to calm down, being sure she composed herself before stepping back into the rec room.

“Hey, where’d you go?” Sam asked as he handed the controller back. “You missed the cake is a lie scene.”

Five smiled, sitting down again next to him.

“Stew not agree with you?” Sam asked with a smirk.

Five chuckled, and turned back to the game, unpausing it and carrying on.

_Keep it together, Five._


	6. Do you hear that sound?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: Violence, PTSD symptoms, Anxiety,   
> As always, take care of yourselves and stay safe out there!

“Okay, Five. Simon and Jody are on their way home, are you sure you wanna stay out, we can come back in the morning?” Sam asked.

Five tapped a no on her headset as she crouched behind the shelving unit, trying to listen out for the dead shambling around the room.

“Yeah, you’re right, you saw that horde just like me, now or never I suppose,” Sam mused. “Five you’re not moving are you okay? Give me a sec, I’ll see if I can get the camera to the pharmacy working.”

Five turned the headset down just a little as she crouched around the shelving unit to avoid being spotted.

“Five?”

Five counted six zombs, well, seven, but the one trapped under a vending machine wasn’t dangerous unless it got free.

“Five are you okay?”

Five tapped four times waited for a beat, then tapped out six. _Zombies, six of them._

“Shit, Five, ah, I got the camera’s on and…yeah you’re right, six of them, you need to get out of there,” Sam said. “Head back the way you came it should-,”

_No_.

“The medical supplies can wait, you can’t get stuck in there with them.”

Five scooted around another shelving unit as one of the zombies wandered around the corner. "Five?"

She tapped out a yes, tightening her backpack so it wouldn't distract her.

“Are you okay?” Sam asked. "You're not moving, why aren't you moving? Head back through the duct you came through."

Climbing out would be too loud, and that zombie was getting too close, she wasn't sure if she had the upper body strength to scramble out in time before getting caught.

“Five, respond are you okay?” Sam asked. “Five tap your-,”

Five muted him. He meant well but his voice was distracting her so much she could hardly focus on the other five zombies whilst avoiding the closest one. He should still be able to hear what was happening, and he had accessed the store's cameras. He wasn't completely in the dark.

Five pulled the knife from her backpack, adjusting her grip a few times.

The closest zombie turned into the corner, groaning that god-awful noise they make, why couldn’t they be like the zombies in games where they sounded unhuman, all gravely and animalistic. Freshly made zombies sounded like they were just humans in pain, incredible pain.

_What if they were?_

Nope, that was not a line of thought Five wanted to go down.

She slowly approached the first one, getting as close as she could comfortably, tensing her hand on the blade. Damn, they did smell something awful.

As she exhaled, Five leapt up, grabbed the zombie around the neck, and plunged the knife into its eye. It twitched in her arms as she lowered it to the ground, limbs shaking slightly. The knife wrenched free with a crunch.

_Gross_.

Five quickly darted behind a different shelving unit as another zombie wandered around the corner, stumbling over the corpse and sprawling onto the floor.

It flailed about in a blind panic, moans getting louder. She used the distraction to strike, it’s skull cracking with the impact of her weapon.

_Two down._

Five wiped the knife clean on the corpses trousers and ducked around a corner, listening out for the other four. The commotion hadn’t alerted them yet.

Staying low, Five crept up behind the third one. Just as Sara taught her, arm around the neck, knife in the eye, slowly lowering it.

Metal stained the air, overpowering the scent of rot and decay and dust, cold blood oozing out of the zombie’s eye.

It twitched for a few more moments on the ground, then, grew still.

It was freshly turned, so it didn’t have the rot to it that some of the zombies started to show now after five months into the outbreak, she could still see what this person looked like.

They couldn’t be that much older than her.

Five swallowed, god she hated this.

Something growled a little too close behind her, Five leapt forwards, an arm swinging through the air she just occupied.

Shit, this was a fast one.

It looked directly at her as she scrambled to her feet, walking slowly backwards, weaponless. She’d left the knife still stuck in the third one’s eye, and she’d given her bat to Simon. 

The zomb screeched, charging at her in a full sprint. Five dodged, letting it crash into a shelf. The unit crumbled around it, cracking wood echoing over the store.

She wrapped her hands around its collar, ignoring the damp sensation to it, grunting as she tossed it to the ground. It's grey hands pawed up at her, fingers tense and knarled. Five raised her leg. 

_Sorry buddy._

Brain matter and old brown blood sprayed across the floor, something popped beneath her boot, another thing crunched. Strings of body snapped from her boot as she pulled it away.

No time to be grossed out, the two other dead were coming straight for her. Five grabbed the broken shelving unit and tipped it over, blocking the path between them and her.

Five backed up, feverishly looking around for a weapon. She grabbed a piece of shattered wood, swinging it a few times to get its weight. It was damp with rot, and she didn't think it would survive a few hits.

The faster one tripped just before it got over the shelves, giving its buddy time to scramble over it, cracking something in its spine with its weight. It took a moment to get steady on its feet then half jogged half limped at her.

She swung the wood upwards, clipping its shoulder. The wood shattered on impact, leaving her with barely an arm's length of splinters. Before it could straighten up, Five yelled out, slamming the splintered wood down onto its skull.

The bone caved, but not enough to stop it moving, she slammed it down again, striking mostly with the side of her fist this time. Its eyes bulged as it went down.

A screeched and Five dodged back, narrowly avoiding the faster one taking a swing. Its neck was lodged to the side, tongue hanging from its mouth. She leapt back, avoiding another swipe before, rather stupidly, she punched it straight across the jaw, almost crashing into the wall from the momentum.

Five cried out, damn did punching hurt when it wasn’t a punching bag. 

The thing dropped to its knees, screaming, neck flopping. Five grabbed its shoulders and threw it into the wall, and since it worked so well the first time, raised her mangled boot and kicked its skull into the wall, flattening it across the off-white paint.

Its body landed with a thud, thick blood oozing from the place its head had once been.

The world slowed back to its normal pace, her brain still going at five times that, body still geared up to fight, to keep moving, to run, and punch and scream and win and-

_I’m gonna be sick._

Five bent over and put her hands on her knees, taking in a few foul-smelling breaths, coughing to cover up the retches, funny how she was scared to embarrass herself in front of Sam.

Shit, Sam.

It took a few times until her shaky hands unmuted him.

“-fucking hell Five, I swear to god if you don’t-,” Sam paused, getting the signal on his end he wasn’t on mute anymore. “Oh, have you decided to be kind enough to unmute me?”

Five straightened up, looking over the trashed store.

“You can’t do that Five. You can’t just mute me, it’s my job to take care of you. What if there was a horde outside and you didn’t know because you decided to go all lone wolf on me?” He yelled.

Five paused. She hadn’t thought he would be this upset about it, he could still see what was going on. 

“You can’t make me just sit and watch whilst you fight for your life, I can’t-,” Sam cut himself off, voice breaking a little.

Oh…god. Five didn’t even think. How stupid could she be? If there was a sure-fire way to trigger Sam’s grief it was turning him off in a stressful situation. Sam needed to feel in control on these missions, and Five took that control away from him.

Sam took a few more moments to catch his breath. “Please don’t do that again,” Sam said. “Promise me you won’t do that again.”

Five tapped twice. _Yes_.

Sam audibly swallowed. “Okay…okay.” A beat, a shaky breath. “Are you okay?”

Five found the nearest camera and raised a shaky thumb.

“Good…good, Christ. I would tell you what you did was really badass if I wasn’t so mad at you.” He said half-jokingly, but Five could hear the hurt behind it. “Well, now that the store is clear I guess you can get that medicine…just, don’t take too long, okay.”

Five nodded.

She first quickly checked all the zombies were really dead, collected her knife, then got to work

* * *

Five jogged through the gates just before sunset, a little weighed down by her overflowing backpack.

Her right boot and trouser leg were completely drenched in old blood from where she spartan kicked that zombie into the wall, and near on all of her other clothes were splattered in the same reddish-brown. She handed off her backpack to Chris and got lead away to the bite checks with Maggie.

Chris quickly emptied the backpack into the supply bucket for Sam to sort through then tossed it into the disinfectant bucket, for even that was splattered with the same gore.

“Wow.” Chris started, picking up one of the packs of medicine. “I thought we cleared out all the pharmacies in the area.”

Sam put his hands in his pockets to hide the shaking. “Not the one in Barton,” He said, leaning over Chris’ shoulder to look at the supplies.

“I thought we ruled that off because of the horde,” Chris said.

“Simon and Jody lured them out whilst Five went in,” he explained. The three fastest runners, they were the best for the job, but he imagined if Evan or hell even if Sara were there, Five wouldn’t have been so stupidly reckless.

God, he nearly yelled himself hoarse after he saw she muted him. There was that moment, just after she took the third zombie down when he could have told her the fourth was going to spot her. He thought he'd have to watch, he did have to watch whilst it snuck up from behind. 

He grabbed the supply bucket.

“You need some help?” Chris asked.

Sam shook his head. “No. I don’t.”

* * *

Sam barely registered the knock on the comm shack. He sighed. “Come in.”

Maxine pushed the door open, eyes widening at the medical supplies on the floor. “Damn, good run?”

Sam hummed, tallying out another packet of penicillin.

Maxine shuffled awkwardly, then sat down. “What happened, we missed you at dinner?”

He picked up another packet and turned it over, not really reading the label. He’d been at this for hours, and really all he was doing was picking up a pack, half reading the name, then putting it back in the pile. “Nothing, the run was a success, Five killed some zombies, we got a bunch of supplies. Great run all round,” he said. “Just great.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, Sam,” Maxine said.

Sam smiled grimly and put the packet down. “She muted me.”

“Who did? Five?”

Sam nodded.

“Why?”

Sam shrugged. “I was telling her to turn back, there were six zombs in the room and I didn’t think it was smart to take the risk alone.”

“So, she muted you?”

“Yep, just left me to watch whilst-,” he trailed off, a lump forming in his throat. “She was fine, sort of, dealt with them, really well actually. It was kind of awesome and I wouldn’t have minded her going against my suggestion if she just…if she…” he frowned. “Am I being irrational here?”

Maxine hummed as she thought, casually picking at a label on a packet of anti biotics. “No, I don’t think so,” she concluded. “How did you feel when she muted you?”

Sam bowed his head, trying to remember his thoughts during that moment. “Scared.”

“Just scared?”

“And…betrayed, like she doesn’t trust me,” Sam said. “It’s stupid, it’s just…it’s my job to keep them safe, and, when she did that she…it felt like she thought I couldn’t do that, and then when the zombies all started to attack and I couldn’t do anything it was just like…” he trailed off again, knowing Maxine got what he meant. “I thought she trusted me is all.”

Maxine frowned. “Maybe you should talk to her about it.”

“I already did, sort of, made her promise not to do it again,” he said. “She agreed but…”

“But what?”

He shrugged again. “I don’t know, I just can’t get the image of her fighting for her life out of my head.”

“Was it bad?”

“A little.” He thought for another few moments, grateful for the silence Maxine let him have. “I’ll talk to her later. I promise.”

Maxine seemed to approve of that, she tossed the antibiotics back into the pile. “Sooooo, how’s character creating coming along for the next campaign?”

Sam perked up a little at that, grateful the the change in subject. “Good, rolled the stats this morning.”

Maxine smiled. “Ohhhhh, what class did you pick in the end?”

“Decided to go for a ranger, mix it up a little, I’m getting a little tired of spellcasting.”

“Excellent choice,” Maxine said. “What stats did you roll?”

* * *

His brain was burning when he woke, that same feral fire that tore through his skull, forcing him to focus on one thing and nothing else.

_They were all going to die._

Sam sat up, wiping the sweat of his face, the burning fingers of the nightmare still griping his shoulders. He needed air, he needed to cool down, he needed something that wasn’t the smothering overbearing heat of his bunk.

Admittedly he could have been a little quieter getting out of his bunk, but Sam was a little panicked and a lot of stressed, and at this point he didn’t really care. If he had to listen to Simon sneaking off in the night, and Jody’s snoring and Sara’s coughing, they could deal with him having yet another breakdown. 

He stumbled bare foot out of the tent, unsure of where he was heading until he pushed open the door to the comm shack and was grabbing the runner’s headsets from off the wall. 

They clattered onto the desk, some of the papers he left there slipping off. Her’s wasn’t hard to find. He picked up Five’s turning it over, running his thumb along the dinosaur stickers he had given her and she stuck them on the headset as a point of pride. 

She didn’t trust him, she’d proven that, and he was okay with that, she could think what she likes, but muting him was dangerous. 

He could have another Alice on his hands, if he knew then the things he knows now, he could have saved her. And he can still save Five if she trusted him. 

There has to be a way to stop runners from muting these things. There had to be, it was for their own safety after all.

The door creaked open, and Sam started so bad he knocked the other headsets off the table. 

Five blinked at him from the door, hair messy and loose around her face.

He swore, and turned back to his work, wondering if it would be suitable to just rip the headset open and start tinkering with it.

The door creaked shut, and Five switched the light on before stepping over the headsets slowly towards him.

“I’m okay, just...thought there was-,” he was shaking, when had he started to shake. “I’m okay I...” What was he doing to her headset again?

Five reached out for him, she hesitated just a moment like she was afraid to touch him, like he was fragile - he felt fragile - she steeled her expression and put her hands over his, slowly pulling the headset from his grip, setting it on the desk. 

Sam bowed his head, god his brain felt like it was on fire. 

She leaned in close and caught his eye, giving him a soft smile, squeezing his hands. A question. _What’s going on?_

She didn’t look comfortable holding his hands, and he remembered those few times he had hugged her and she froze up. Five didn’t like to be touched, but she was doing it for him, to comfort him. And he had gone behind her back to mess with her headset. Because what...he was angry?

Sam slumped into his chair, letting go of her hands to instead hug himself, hopefully setting her more at ease. She looked a little lost and decided to clear a space on the desk, perching up on it, pulling one knee to her chest. 

They sat there for a for moments, him trying to ignore the waves of fire in his skull, Five shaking her dangling leg as she watched him.

He needed to focus on getting his thoughts in line the way Maxine taught him. He had to figure out how he was feeling, then figure out why. 

He was angry, anger usually comes from fear, he knew that much. 

It was obvious what he was scared off, he didn’t want to lose another runner, he wasn’t sure he could. But...the anger felt far more direct than that, he was angry at something, someone. 

Sam looked up at Five. ”Why did you mute me?” He finally said. 

Five frowned. Then started looking around the desk for paper and a pen. Sam found some for her under a pile of overdue reports.

_You were distracting me._

“Oh…I…” Sam frowned, okay yeah, the anger was definitely direct. “Distracting you?”

She nodded.

“Why not just tell me to shut up?” Sam asked, he kind of wanted to sound angry, but really he just sounded tired. God he was so tired.

Five’s eyes widened, she chewed her lip then wrote a little hastily. _Yeah, we don’t really have a tap code for that._

Oh yeah...

_I shouldn’t have done it though, I’m sorry, and it won’t happen again._

Sam read it few times and was about to read it again when she pulled the paper back and wrote. _I really am sorry. It was cruel of me._ _B_ _ut sometimes when things are tense on the ground you tend to talk a lot and we can’t respond._

"You mean _you_ can't respond." Sam said, feeling a little bad for forgetting, even briefly, that Five couldn’t talk back. “We should really figure out a better communication system for you Five, tapping is-,”

Five shook her head and continued to write.

_I wrote what I wrote. When we’re in a room of six zombies, no runner can respond, we must be quiet, if you keep asking if we are okay, it can get a little distracting. _

Sam hadn’t considered that. “Oh…I didn’t know, do I do it often?”

Five smiled. _You talk when you’re nervous, it’s very sweet, but yes, you have done it a few times now. However, I still shouldn’t have muted you, I’m sorry for that._

“Oh…I guess I do talk too much sometimes, don’t I?”

She shrugged. _We’re all still new at this, working kinks out like this takes time._ She paused. _Don’t get me wrong though, I like it when you talk, just maybe not when I’m surrounded by the undead in an enclosed space and you keep asking me to respond back. Still thought, that’s an explanation, not an excuse, I am really sorry._

Sam felt himself puff up a bit at the _I like it when you talk_ line. “Okay,” he started. “Well how about this, you tap the mic like this-,” demonstrated a tap by clapping his hands, “-and that means, shut up Sam I’m trying not to die.”

Five nodded. _But maybe don’t shut up completely, if there is something important, say it._

Sam smiled. “Agreed, I’ll teach it to the other runners too, I wonder if they would also benefit from the tap code.”

_Probably._ She wrote. _Catch Sara doing it outside of runs to get you to shut up._

“Yeah don’t teach Janine it either, she’ll be clapping all over the place.”

Five snorted.

“What, what was so funny…. oh, Five you have a mind as dirty as Simon’s.”

Five giggled.

“ _Clapping_? Five how have you made the sentence ‘ _clapping all over the place’_ sexual?” Sam asked incredulously as Five continued to laugh. “I don’t think I have ever heard anyone use the word _clap_ in the sexual sense. Like saying clap is not a way to turn anyone one.” Five’s laugh was so infectious he couldn’t help but laugh himself despite his exhaustion.

“In fact, the word clap is a huge turn off!” He announced, determined to drive his point home. “Like if someone came up to me and was all like _, hey you wanna clap all over this place_ , I would be walking in the other direction.” He shook his head. “Honestly, Five, get a better sense of humour.”

Five continued to giggle to herself, and Sam realised this was the first time he’d seen Five properly smile. Not the small half frowning smiles she gives when she’s amused, nor the soft closed-lip smile she so often does like that time she got back from Bert airfield. This was a full-on lopsided grin, with her tongue on her teeth, face completely alight, hands curled into fists, swinging her dangling leg back and forth.

She had a great smile.

Sam coughed. “God sake, can’t believe I’m friends with an actual twelve-year-old boy.”

Five smiled to herself as she wrote. _But you are friends with me._

“I’m starting to reconsider.”

She kicked the arm of his chair.

“Yeah, great way to keep friends, just kick them, really secures a solid friendship.”

They settled back into a comfortable silence, and Sam found himself watching Five flick through the papers on his desk. How she wasn’t freezing to death was beyond him seeing as Five only seemed to wear a sleeveless crop top and shorts to bed. Unlike him she had been smart enough to pull on her boots but not smart enough to cover up despite the late November chill. 

As she looked around Sam noted on her stomach another thick heavy set scar, stretching from behind her back, across her left side to just below the left ribs, the same mangled burned look to it the one on her leg and shoulder had. That was three similar scars now, four including the one on her face - though that wasn’t burned -, and five with the addition of the bullet wound.

Five months in and Five already had as many scars, and unlike Simon he didn’t think the burned ones were from before. This close he could see they still looked a little raw. She really been through it, and he was the one freaking out? What right did he have to break down so often?

He looked down at the scattered headsets and nudged one with his bare foot. “Sorry for waking you.”

She shook her head. _It’s fine, I was awake anyway, but I don’t mind you waking me if you have a nightmare or anything._

“You were awake, you having trouble sleeping?” Sam asked, suddenly very concerned that Five was up at - he looked at the clock on his desk - 3 am

She shrugged, and he got the feeling that was all he was going to get from that because she quickly started writing again. 

_I’m not being hyperbolic_ \- he noted she had to try spelling hyperbolic a few times - _I’m not great to talk to, but I can at least sit with you, if you want me too. It’s okay if not though, but the offer is there, I want to at least try and help._

Sam smiled. “I would like that.” He said, thinking about Five sitting with him when he had his bad moments. He would like that a lot.


	7. Come on in from the cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S1 Race missions - these take place after S1M14 but before S1M15  
> Content warnings: Violence

“FIIIIIIIVE, HELP ME!”

 _Who the bloody hell is yelling at five am?_ Five had barely woken up, and she'd walked to the shower block, washed and was now walking back. If she wasn't fully awake, it was illegal for others not to be as well.

An orange mass crashed into Five, spinning her around as it grabbed her arm then hid behind her back.

Five frowned at Sam attempting to crouch behind her, peaking out across the quad, toothpaste still on his face.

“SAM YAO, I SWEAR TO GOD YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM ME!” Simon's voice bellowed from the tents.

Five gave Sam a quizzical look.

Sam crouched a little further. “I may have played a prank on Simon last night, and I think he's finally looked in the mirror and... he’s taken it a little…hard.” Sam flinched a little as something ripped across the quad.

Simon was in a onesie, shoulders heaving, eyes narrowing in on Sam. He was missing his eyebrows.

He pointed at Sam. “SAMUAL FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLES LIKE A MAN.”

Simon started to barrel across the quad towards them both. Sam dragged Five back by the arm for a few steps. 

Simon broke into a full-on sprint.

“That is my cue to run, distract him will you?” Sam muttered, letting go of Five’s arm, bolting towards the training ground. Simon charged past her before she even had time to process what happened.

There was no way Sam could outrun Simon, it was very possible Five was about to witness the last moments of her faithful operator and friend Samual Yao.

Rest in Peace.

Five turned back to the tents.

“Five don’t let him get me.”

Welp, looks like she’s getting involved.

She dropped her shower bag and chased after Simon, catching up as he leapt the gate to the training ground, stomping towards Sam feebly trying to hide behind some of the punching bags.

“You’re dead, Yao,” Simon hissed.

Sam backed up into the fence on the other side, looking incredibly small, unable to contain his amusement whilst Simon swore at him.

“I can’t believe you, Yao, what happened to male solidarity?” Simon continued. “You are so dead you little shit.”

_Well…Sam wasn’t exactly little._

Simon grabbed the collar of Sam’s hoodie and picked him up, pinning him against the fence.

_Okay, maybe for Simon, Sam is little._

“Hey buddy, man, I think it suits you, really I do,” Sam said between chuckles.

Simon growled. “Suits me? Suits me does it? I wonder how being bald will suit you?”

Oh god no, not his hair, that would be an actual crime.

Sam caught her eye and nodded.

“Sneak attack!” He yelled.

Five leapt onto Simon’s back, covering his eyes with her hands. Simon dropped Sam, crying out, flailing his hands above his head to grab at her. Sam bolted back towards the tents.

“Get off Five, my fights not with you,” Simon yelled. 

Five started to laugh, this was the most fun she had in a while.

“Right that’s it,” he reached up over his head, grabbed Five’s shoulders, and in one fast swoop, flipped her over his head and hard onto her back on the track, wind knocked right out of her.

“Where’d that little bugger get too?” Simon asked, stepping over Five. He glowered down at her. “I swear if you made me lose him.”

Five pointed at his face and snorted.

“Were you in on this?” Simon spat.

Five shook her head between laughs.

Simon put his hands on his hips standing with as much dignity as a man in a onesie with no eyebrows could stand. “God, I’m gonna murder that little shit.”

Five frowned. He _did_ have eyebrows, they were just… had Sam painted over them?

Five stood, grabbing Simon’s collar to pull his face down for closer inspection.

Oh, Sam was good.

She gave Simon a confused look. _What did he do?_

Simon sighed. “He told me he had a way to make my eyebrows grow thicker overnight, and the little fucker got rid of them." He bowed his head. "It was supposed to be a secret."

Exasperated at Simon's vanity, she grabbed his arm and took him to one of the rain buckets they had peppered around Abel. Five wetted her sleeve, then started to wipe off the glue and concealer Sam had caked on, holding up the sleeve to show it was coming off, eyebrows still intact underneath. She knew Sam wanted that makeup kit for more than a rocky horror picture show.

Simon raised a hand to his eyebrows, eyes wide, did the dumbass not check that it wasn’t just a trick. “God…I hate him.”

Five smiled.

“Seriously, I hate him, little shit best not show his face around here again.”

Five gave him a scolding look, going back to cleaning off his face.

“You can’t seriously be defending him,” Simon hissed.

Five shrugged, then gestured to the rest of Simon’s get up.

“Oh, you’re judging _my_ fashion sense Miss odd-shoe, I’ll have you know the onesie is the superior sleeping garment. Warm, practical, makes me feel like a coddled and loved baby, I see no faults.”

 _I see at least a dozen._ Five thought.

"God, you have a face like a slapped ass. Do you always look like that, or is it a treat reserved just for me."

She splashed water in his face and walked away. 

"Thanks, Five, you're the best."

Five gave him the middle finger over her shoulder.

"Love you!"

* * *

Sam huffed, the sound crackling the headset a little. “Very, very few English people like Benny Hill!”

_Yeah, I am one of them._

“Uh-huh,” Maxine started. “yeah, except for the inhabitants of this perfectly ordinary farmhouse in Hertston who are prepared to swap life-saving supplies for just a taste of _Benny Hill._ ”

Five chuckled at Maxine’s funny voice, earning her a strange side-eye from Sara.

“Yeah, yeah, alright. Runners Five and Eight. You’re going strong.” Sam said.

Sara gave five a devilish smirk. “Actually, I think it’s quite funny –

“Yeah, that’s enough from you. Got to… uh, conserve battery life. We’ll check in again soon.” Sam said before turning off his mic.

“Seems our Sammy really doesn’t like Benny Hill,” Sara said, slowing down to a stop, pulling the pistol from her holster as she did. “You in the mood for a little target practice?”

She held the pistol out to Five. Five hesitated. “Come on, you got so good at shooting the still targets, what’s a moving target now?”

 _Considerably harder._ Five thought.

Five didn’t like guns, sure they had been useful since the end of the world, but it didn’t mean Five had to like them.

“Those zombs aren’t getting any deader.”

_Already pretty dead._

Sara wasn't going to relent. She took the pistol, going through all the checks Sara taught her to do, lining up her shot.

“Don’t be so tense, relax a little.”

Five shook out her shoulders, still feeling the ache from her bullet wound, trying to relax her elbows.

“Okay, remember, headshots only, line up, the place just between the eyes, and pull the trigger, don’t squeeze the rest of your ha-,”

The bullet hit the zombie in the shoulder. God did the recoil hurt her wound.

Sara chuckled. “Okay, well, at least you hit it.”

Five thought about handing back the pistol, the zombies were getting closer now and if they didn’t run soon they would have to deal with them. Sara however just nodded at the four zombies again.

Five tensed her jaw and lined up the next shot. It didn’t even hit.

“Runner Five, are you wasting ammunition?”

Five was starting to get a little irritated, she lined up the next shot, preparing herself for another flare of pain in her shoulder. She gritted her teeth, aimed...

The first zombie went down.

Five smiled, bouncing on her feet, turning back to Sara.

Sara folded her arms. “What do you want a medal? We’ve still got three to go.”

Five scowled and took the next shot, the second one going down. They were getting rather close now.

Five aimed the third one, the last two zombies wobbled violently back and forth, heads flopping about on broken necks

“They are getting closer Five!” Sara announced.

_Then do something._

Five went to take the next shot, she missed.

“What did I say about wasting ammunition, I hope you’ve been counting your bullets.”

Five hadn’t, she started trying to backtrack, count in her head the number of shots she’d taken, she didn't have time, the two undead were in spitting distance now.

“Don’t you dare lower that gun, missy,” Sara ordered as if she knew Five was about to reach for her bat.

Five swallowed and took a step backwards, the bullet went wide again.

“Christ, Five, what would you do if this was a horde, take the buggers down.”

Five shot at the closest one, she didn’t have time to get excited about her clean headshot, the final one pounced on her, knocking her onto her back.

Five gripped it by its throat, dead flesh shifting beneath her fingers. Its fingernails scratched at her jacket, a few seams ripping.

She vaguely heard Sara telling her to stay calm. Five pressed the pistol to the zombie's temple. She turned her face away, closing her mouth tight and fired.

Blood splattered across the frozen grass.

Five didn’t let herself catch her breath, she pushed the body off her and sat up, glaring at Sara. She didn't even have the decency to look worried.

Five gestured widely to all the bodies.

Sara shrugged. “Good job.”

Good job, that’s all she could say? _Good job._

Five got up, stomping over the corpse, shoving the pistol at Sara.

“Look, you even remembered to turn on the safety,” Sara said happily, checking over her weapon.

Five scowled at her. Something dripped on her cheek and she didn’t want to think about how getting covered in zombie blood was becoming a frequent pastime of hers.

“Come on Five, we have a corner shop to get to, let's not dawdle.”

* * *

The elderly couple - Mr and Mrs Jones - that owned the farmhouse reacted to her the same way everyone reacted to her nowadays.

Pity, confusions, curiosity, then dislike. Apparently, when you can’t speak and have a neutral face that looks like hers, everyone either believes she must need constant attention because being mute _really_ inhibits one’s ability to do _anything_ , or that she’s just faking being mute and in actuality Five was a just a bitch.

It’s why she liked Abel so much, no one really reacted that way, they just got on with it. Sure, it was a little awkward at first when they had to adjust to communicating with her, but all in all, everyone just got on with it.

Dealing with outsiders reminded her that Abel was definitely the anomaly.

She supposed she couldn’t blame the Jones’ for thinking she was unlikable, she had come in covered in zombie guts, and she was actually in a really foul mood. She very nearly decked Sara after she made a comment about Five being a fussy eater when Five refused to eat the homemade bread Mrs Jones produced with their stew.

Five was just glad they didn’t have to share a room, she wasn’t sure she could resist stabbing Sara in the eye if left alone. Not that she could, Sara probably slept with booby traps.

The cat in her lap whined a little, unhappy with the way Five was gripping her fur.

Five scratched behind her ears as an apology.

She should really head back inside, Mr Jones had made it rather clear that he didn’t want her outside the house past ten pm. But he liked benny hill, so fuck him, Five would do what she wanted. And unless Mr Jones was able to climb onto the roof of his farmhouse, which didn’t seem likely given that he was pushing seventy, Five didn’t see any flaw to her plan.

“What you brooding about?”

Of course, Sara would ruin the plan.

The cat startled at Sara’s appearance and jumped off her lap, making her way down the roof to the extension. Could Five have nothing good?

Sara didn’t ask to join her, just plunked her ass down next to Five on the roof and stared very intently at Five’s face.

“I wasn’t going to let you get bitten,” Sara said as if that made it okay.

Five rolled her eyes.

“You know if my boys gave me that look they would not hear the end of it, just because you are an adult does not mean you can get away with it.”

Five was shocked. She was scolding her, Five, for rolling her eyes. She had the audacity to scold Five.

“You need to learn to school your features, having a poker face is an invaluable skill, one you definitely do not have,” Sara said. "You may not think it, but you wear your heart on your sleeve about as much as our Sam does. It's not going to help you in the long run."

Five huffed.

“What?”

Five started to laugh, she had no idea how to react to Sara, so she laughed, because at least then she could weird Sara out a bit.

Sara, annoyingly, just watched back with the poker face she probably wanted Five to have, and that made the laughter feel just a little hollow.

It died, and Five just went back to glaring at Sara.

They stayed like that for a while, Five glaring at Sara, Sara’s face completely blank until eventually Sara smiled and patted Five’s arm.

“You have an awful lot of potential Five, don’t waste it,” Sara said, standing and dusting down her trousers. “You did well today with the zombs, kept your head, not a lot of people can do that naturally. And hopefully we can figure out who this Van Ark chap is before long. I don’t like the look of him, too shifty.” She said the last bit like she knew that was exactly what Five thought of Sara. “Oh, before I forget, Sam’s on the headset for you.” She pulled out a headset from the inside pocket of her jacket and handed it over. “Don’t stay up too late now.”

Five watched Sara climb back down off the roof. She turned the headset over, why was Sam on the headset for her?

She put it on, double-tapping, a moment passed and Sam came through a little staticky from the distance.

“Five! That you?”

Five double-tapped.

“Great... unless you’re Sara pretending to be Five, don’t know why, but she could be, quick, do something only Five could do.”

Five laughed as she considered a response.

“Oh, hey Five, I’d know that laugh, okay great, so Five is here.”

Five tapped a yes again.

“Right, why am I here then?" Five was wondering that. "Well, you seemed a little nervous to be leaving Abel this morning, first night away from Abel is usually a tough one for runners, especially seeing as your last night away was…not the greatest. And you were doing that cute thing you do with your hand when you get nervous before the run today, you know the thing where you like, rotate your wrist really fast, have you noticed you do that?”

Five had noticed, she was doing it right now. Five sat on her right hand to stop and tapped another yes.

“You-you were nervous?”

 _Yes_.

“Great, well, not great, but this would be super awkward if you weren’t," he laughed nervously to himself, Five wondered what got him like this. "Yeah, so, I’m not sure what I can do to help you relax. Jody has me read books to her, Simon and me just chat, and usually, I’ll put on calming tunes for Maggie or something, but you Five are an enigma.” He said. “I suppose it would have been smart for me to ask beforehand, but honestly, got a bit wrapped up in the whole, Sara pointing a UV gun at me, you know?”

Five did know, pointing guns at ally's was a Sara special.

“So yeah, forgot to ask what I can do to help chill you out, so um…what’s been happening in Abel today you ask…uh…Well, you saw Simon this morning, can’t believe he went the whole night thinking what I put on his face was hair growing cream, honestly, what an idiot. Jody and Maggie found an art store and brought back some craft supplies for the kids.”

He hummed to himself as he thought, Five could imagine it, leaning back in his chair, tapping the table, eyes wandering around the room.

“Oh!" he exclaimed. "Janine and Evan have started discussing plans for a Runner’s barracks seeing as how cold it’s getting. And since we still have all those portable classrooms just sitting around Barton we could bring them back and mod out, be nice to have solid walls for a change. Speaking off solid walls, Maxine and Chris finished setting up the new lab. Maxine was geeking out about it over dinner, no idea what she was talking about but it’s nice to see her smiling after all that business with finding those tapes left by her girlfriend.”

He fell silent, his chair creaking a little. 

“I missed you at dinner, by the way, it’s just not the same without you pulling faces at everyone’s silly comments. There’s something so refreshing about the way you scowl at Simon, it’s just mwah – I’m chef kissing by the way.” He chuckled “After that, I played some portal…again…look I love portal as much as the next guy, but I think I would like some other games soon, think you can keep an eye out?”

Five smiled and tapped a yes.

“Great…can't wait to see your taste in games," he clicked his tongue a few times. “So yeah, is the talking doing it for you, well, not…not _doing_ it for you…Like, is it helping with the nerves or is it making it worse? Uh right, tap twice if you want me to shut up?" Five didn't move. "Nothing? Oh, you’ll wish you didn’t do that Five, I won’t ever shut up now!”

She laughed, leaning back on the roof to stare at the stars. They fell into a comfortable silence for a bit, Sam describing some of the other things going on at Abel today. Eugene finally rolled his character for the new campaign and surprise surprise went for a rogue. Janine had a word with Sam about his cleaning habits which of course Sam wouldn't change out of spite now. Though Five knew it wasn't spite, Sam just claimed it was to pretend he wasn't actually messy. She tried to stifle a yawn as he talked. She failed.

“Oh you sound tired, maybe you should head to bed, gotta get that sleep, not that you sleep much," his tone got a little lower. "Don’t think I hadn't noticed you being last to bed and first to rise, we do like, live in the same tent, kind of hard not to notice... is everything okay?”

Five sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest. _Yes_.

“Hey Five, if the answer is no that’s okay too, we can talk about it when you get back yeah?" He paused. "So…are you okay?”

Five almost tapped out no, a part of her wanted to answer Sam honestly, but really, in the grand scheme of things she was fine, what was a few nightmares compared to the mass suffering of the zombie apocalypse.

 _Yes_.

“Okay…just, you know you can talk to me. You listen to me a lot, it’s only fair I return the favour.”

Five hummed, hoping the tone would convey the meaning.

_Thank you. I won’t, but thank you._

“Okay Five, bed time then, long run home tomorrow, it'll be good to have you back.”


	8. No stranger to the wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S1 Race Missions
> 
> This chapter is a little longer. Have also decided that I will be ending this fic at the end of Season 2 and start a new fic from there for 3, then another new one for 4 and 5. This is because I have written a lot and want to separate the story out into digestible chunks
> 
> I'm also trying to post three times a week on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday.  
> Thanks so much for reading!  
> And stay safe out there!

Sam kicked open the door to the new lab building attached to the not-so-new but just as fun hospital building. It was nice that Maxine now had a place to work where she wouldn’t be freezing to death, and a place for sick people to go that wasn’t a tattered tent.

It still wasn’t much, but it was something. Abel was slowly and surely turning into a home.

Maxine, Chris, and surprisingly Five were all pouring over the new lab equipment they had collected, including the small pieces Sara and Five got from the Simpsons corner shop on the way back from the Jones’ farm last week.

Five looked up from her work and Sam nearly dropped the mugs “Since when do you wear glasses, Five?”

Five nervously adjusted them. Then wrote something on scrap paper and handed it to Maxine to read.

“ _Since I ran out of contacts.”_ Maxine read. “Don’t worry, Five, I’ve put contacts on the next med run for you already.”

“Why do that? You should wear them more often, they look really nice on you,” Sam said. And he meant it, Five had a soft studious vibe to her with them on, unlike her usual angry runner vibe. Which was a good vibe too. Just…different.

Five cleared her throat, bowing her head to hide a smile. He found himself smiling too.

“Is that coffee Sam? Thanks.” Maxine said, startling him a little.

He swallowed, then handed over Maxine the coffee he made for her and Chris, sacrificing his own tea for Five. She did look like she needed it more, she still wasn't sleeping.

He thought it looked rather adorable, all three of them working as if in a fun science lab, yet decked out in warm winter clothes and fingerless gloves now that the December weather had kicked in. They each had at least one Jody item of knitwear on. A staple piece of any Abel township resident.

“Found anything interesting?” He asked, squeezing Maxine’s shoulders, leaning over them to look at the photos Sara took on her Polaroid of the lab.

“No…I’m going to have to go out to take a closer look in person. Five said there wasn’t much beyond some beakers, an x-ray apparatus and a centrifuge but it looks like the labs built for more of a chemical and biological study and Five’s not specialised in either of those, it’s possible there is stuff she missed.”

Five looked up from the notes she was reading and gave Maxine an apologetic smile.

“Hey, it’s not your fault Five, you did your best.”

“Yeah Five, how dare you not be knowledgeable in a highly specialised field of study, honestly you would think we raised you better,” Sam teased.

Five pointed her pen threateningly at him.

“Sorry Five, you can’t intimidate me in glasses and a woolly hat.”

Five scowled.

Maxine patted Sam’s hand. “He’s right Five, you are looking particularly adorable today."

Five scowled harder.

“Awwww,” Maxine continued. “You look like a Christmas card.”

Five threw her pen at them.

“Okay, okay, maybe we should get back to work,” Chris said, “Like adults.”

“Oh, Chris, darling, you have sorely mistaken your present company,” Maxine said.

Chris chuckled, flicking through his notes absently. “It seems that I-,”

“All residents report to active duty, runners on the double. I repeat, all residents report to active duty, runners on the double.” Eugene’s voice echoed on PA system. He sounded panicked, really panicked.

Maxine squeezed Sam’s hand. “What’s going on?’

Sam shrugged. “I’m sure it’s something great, maybe Father Christmas came early.”

Five held the door open for Chris, waving at Sam and Maxine before they both bolted from the room.

Eugene repeated his message.

“I don’t like this,” Sam said.

Maxine stood, “I’ll get medical ready, make sure I don’t have to be useful.”

Sam nodded. “Stay safe.” He said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

She patted his arm. “You too, and keep those runners safe.”

“I always do.”

Sam stepped out. The town was alight with action, yelling coming from the gates, the PA system repeating itself a few more times. Runners were sprinting to their bunks to get dressed in their gear.

“I don’t like this one bit,” Sam said to himself.

It was freezing, even as Sam sprinted to the shack he begun to shiver, he did not envy the runners.

The number of bodies in the shack took him back.

“How did we miss them, Mister Woods?” Janine said, gesturing at the scanner.

Sam grabbed a spare blanket, wrapped it around himself and pressed up next to her, eyes widening at the horde of zombies cresting over the horizon, right in line for Abel.

“I don’t know,” Eugene said, “We had the scanner going through the show in case. They only pinged us a few moments ago.”

“Group that size, the scanner should have picked them up over an hour ago,” Sam said, nudging Jack out of his chair, pulling on his headset. “Runners at the gate sound off,” he ordered.

“Runner Four here with Runner Six,” Jody said, “The others are on their way, two more minutes at most.”

“Great, hold tight,” Sam started, turning off his mic. “Janine, what’s the plan?”

Janine chewed her lip. “Mister Woods put the headset on, I want you working on secondary comms. Mister Holden, take the spare runner headset, I’ll use it to guide you on guard duty, get out there and await my instruction.”

They did as they were ordered. Jack giving Eugene a quick kiss before running out of the room. Sam felt a little miffed he had no one to do that with anymore.

_Now is not the time Sam._

Janine pointed at the scanner. “We have about seven minutes till they hit the gate, a horde that size they could push the walls down if we are not careful.” She pulled on a headset herself, tapping the mic a few time. “Mister Holden, are you receiving?”

“Loud and clear.”

“Take as many active-duty residents at your disposal that have been armed to the north wall, when the zombies are in range, fire at your discretion until I say otherwise.”

“Yes ma’am,” Jack said. Gunfire sounded dull from inside the shack.

“Won’t the guns attract more zombies?” Eugene asked.

Janine shook her head. “Runner Ten has a theory that once a horde reaches a certain size, the zombies are naturally attracted to it, I suspect at this point, not firing will do more harm than good, and we need to take as many down before the runners head out.”

“Speaking off,” Sam said, turning his mic back on. “Runners at the gate sound off.”

“Runners Seven, Ten, Five, Eight, Three, Twelve, and Thirteen present,” Evan said. “Orders?”

“That’s not all of them,” Janine mused. “I’m going to be having some words with two and eleven.” She flicked on her mic. “Runners, there is a horde heading towards the gates, we have a five-minute window for you to surround them and turn on your noisemakers. The pack is large enough that you will have to split up, so maintain good communication with each other." She took a breath.

"Runners Seven, Thirteen, Twelve, Ten, and Six your operator will be Mister Woods you will be beta-team, you will head out to the northeast round to the southeast side of the pack. Your job will be to lead off any zombies the Alpha team – that’s the rest of you - haven’t been able to break up. Don’t worry about getting all of them, just lead away as many as you can so any that are left will easily be dealt with by the guards."

“Alpha team, your operator is Mister Yao. You need to get around to the back of the pack and when I tell you to, turn on your noisemakers and lure them away through the woods. The trees will break them up if you maintain adequate distance from each other. Five I want you on the most northern point, followed by Eight, Three, then Four going anti-clockwise from Five.” She turned on the mic to the guards. “Raise the gates. Mister Holden, take care your team do not hit the runners. You have your orders, now run.”

Sam tuned his headset in to Alpha team, leaning over to do the same for Eugene. A quick thumbs up and a worried look and they both got to work.

Sam checked the dots of Alpha team. “All right guys, pick up the pace a little, we need you to get around the pack as fast as you can.”

“I don’t like being on Alpha team, Sam,” Jody said, breath already strained as they sprinted. “Why does it feel like Alpha team is the far riskier team to be on.”

“You’re the fastest runners, less risk if you do it,” Sam said, trying to rationalise why Janine chose the teams. He was confused why Five was on the north point though, that was the furthest from Abel and definitely the most dangerous place to be.

It would make sense if Five was the fastest runner, but she wasn’t, Simon was.

“I shouldn’t have been so competitive in our assessment runs last week,” Simon said. “What I’d do just to hear Eugene’s sweet voice in my ear right now instead of yours Sam.”

“Rude, but fair.”

“You’re not supposed to agree with me, how can I tease you if you agree with me.”

“We’re in the middle of a mission, Three, now is not the time for teasing,” Sara said.

“Right yes…radio silence whilst we run around the very large and dangerous zombie horde.”

“Exactly.”

There were a few beats of silence where all Sam could hear was Janine guiding Jack so his team didn’t hit the runners, and Eugene’s panicked tone to beta team.

“Are we going to talk about the fact that Five looks like a hot Harry Potter?” Simon asked. “She’s even got the facial scar.”

“Yeah, Five, I didn’t know you wore glasses,” Jody said. “Can runners wear glasses, what if they like, fall off?”

“Seems like Five is doing just fine,” Sara said.

“More than fine, I’m getting sexy librarian vibes from them…and yes, oh very mature, that is Five giving me the middle finger, love you too Five,” Simon said.

Sam chuckled a little at the image of Five flipping off Simon, Janine giving him an odd look from his right.

“Okay, guys are you almost in position?” He asked, trying to sound serious again.

“We just dropped Simon at his point, approaching mine and…okay, I’m in position, just gotta wait for Five to make point.”

“Five if you could pick up the pace a little, the faster the better,” Sam said.

Five tapped a _shut up Sam_ and he had to cough this time to cover up his chuckle.

She tapped a yes when she reached the north point.

“Alpha team is ready, Janine,” Sam said.

Janine nodded. “Mister Holden hold fire.” The gunfire stopped “How’s beta team, Mister Woods?”

“Ready and waiting.”

“Okay, Alpha team, on my mark, turn on your noisemakers, beta team get ready to pick up any stragglers.” Janine waited for just a beat. “Mark.”

The noisemakers wailed, the occupants of the comms shack watched in silence, waiting for the mass of the horde on the scanner pick up the noise. The back portion of the pack drifted to a stop, the front kept going.

“Mister Yao, have the alpha team make more noise,”

Sam relayed the information, they promptly began stomping their feet and clapping their hands.

The back portion began to drift northwards, a chunk of the front portion stopping too. It was like watching clouds move, unbearable.

“Five, start heading north,” Sam said.

“Belay that order, Runner Five, hold your position.” Janine said.

The horde continued to drift.

Sam turned his mic off. “Janine, Five needs to move soon to stay safely ahead of the horde.”

“She must stay as close to the horde as possible, Five needs to pick up more zombs than the rest.”

Sam swallowed. Is that why Janine hadn’t put the fastest runner on the north point but instead went for second fastest? Because otherwise, Simon would be the one at most risk.

No, Janine wouldn’t do that, would she? She didn't play favourites.

“Janine, the horde is getting pretty damn close to us, can we run yet?” Simon asked, despite the horde being furthest from him.

Janine sighed, eyes squinted. She watched the middle chunk join the back one, the front one breaking apart even more.

“Okay Alpha team. Five, head straight north, the rest take the horde through the trees, Five you should be able to lose the horde in the river. On my mark…mark.”

Sam watched the dots of the runners sprint outwards, the back group of the horde breaking up into four chunks, one following each runner.

“Once you guys are in the trees the scanners will start to work less and less, keep me in the loop, and be careful,” Sam said.

“Talking whilst running, not the greatest, Sam, not the greatest,” Jody said.

“We’re reaching the treeline now,” Sara said. “I can see Three has already split his pack into a few smaller ones.”

“Good job three,” Sam said.

“Why thank you, dear.”

“Three, if you could stop stroking your ego, could you maybe take a few of my ass?” Jody said.

“On my way.”

“Sara?”

“I’m leading them to a small ditch, hopefully, they will break their legs, hows beta team doing?”

Sam leaned back. “How’s beta team?”

Eugene gave a thumbs up.

“They are fine, you just focus on yourselves,” Sam said.

He did a quick check of Five, without the trees the smaller pack hadn’t broken, but she was keeping ahead of them very well, would be even better if it was at Simon’s speed.

Sam turned off his mic.

“Janine why is Five on the north point, Simon’s faster than her most days?”

Janine didn’t look up from Eugene’s screen. “Simon can’t swim, Five can.”

“And Five’s going swimming?”

“Yes, she needs to swim across the river and keep the zombies coming at her until they get washed away, we’ll send Ed out on the bike to pick her up once the horde is passed.”

“Great idea, have Five swim through a freezing river in the middle of December.”

“I see no other option do you, if that pack following Five is left alone they’ll just reform and make another horde to deal with later, our reports tell us that the river is rather virulent at the moment, they will hopefully sweep the dead away.”

Sam tensed his jaw, but held his tongue, turning on his mic again. “Good news Five, you’re going swimming.”

Five groaned audibly.

“Hah, she does not like the sound of that,” Simon said. “Oy, Jody, shit - one sec - got it… you okay?”

Jody made a noise halfway between a wail and a panicked shriek. “Yeah, I’m good…thanks!”

“What happened? I can’t hear anything over these noisemakers.” Sam said.

“Nothing, Sam, just got my leg stuck, still moving.”

“Eight, sitrep?”

“All good, Sam, my packs pretty much broke,” Sara said, still sounding as calm as ever.

“Okay, turn off your noisemaker, skirt around and try and pick up another pack, see if you have the space to break them apart, same for you, Three and Four, if you see an opening, take it, the faster we break them up, the better.”

“Won’t they just reform, once we broke them up?” Jody asked. “Like, they won’t wander around the woods alone forever.”

Janine leaned forward. “You are right, Runner Four. Beta team is picking them off now along with help from the guard and active residents, we just needed the breathing room to safely take them down.”

“Oh, zombie clean up, now I really wish I was on beta team,” Simon said. “My scores fallen behind the last few weeks.”

“Score?” Sam asked.

“Nothing,” Simon said. “How’s Five doing?”

Sam adjusted the screen to expand to a wider field of view after Five had almost fallen off the scanner. “She’s coming up to the river now, god, I can hear it over the noisemaker, are you sure this is a good idea Janine, you said it was…what, virulent?”

“Five told me she could swim,” Janine said, though even he could hear a little doubt in her voice. “No time to waist, Runner Five, the faster you’re in the faster you’re out.”

“That’s what she said,” Simon jeered.

“Not now, Simon.” Jody hissed. Five laughed.

Janine tutted. “The water is going to be cold, you will need to make a special effort not to gasp as you get in, keep moving, and when you get out, do not sit down on the ground, stay upright and moving," she said.

Five turned off her noisemaker, her backpack zipped as she placed it inside, along with something rustling, so assumedly her jacket. A soft grunt followed by a thud.

Five had thrown the backpack across the river.

“Good thinking Five, now get across, they are almost on you.” Five’s dot pressed into the river, it rushed the headset, the white noise of fast-moving rapids. Her dot drifted a little to the left. She's getting swept away. Five gasped, her dot sluggishly moving across if a little downstream.

The rush of water receded, water sloshed, and the dot was across the river.

“Five, you good?”

Double-tap, _yes._

“Very good Five, now turn the noisemaker back on,” Janine ordered.

Her shaky breath was swamped by the wail of the noisemaker.

Sam smiled. “Great Five, now sit tight, well stand tight, don’t sit, the zombies should…yes…they are already getting caught by the river…god, look at them go, they are just so stupid.”

“They are dead, Mister Yao.”

“Yeah, _dead_ stupid.”

Five tapped. _Shut up sam._

Sam chuckled, a warm feeling settling in his chest.

“Okay, right, the rest of you, how you doing?”

“Just dandy here, not sure we’ll be able to pick up a pack of more than three, should we head back to Abel, get some weapons and start on clean up?” Sara said.

“Yes, that’s an excellent idea Runner Eight,” Janine said. “Get back here, it’s going to be a long night.”

Sam turned off his mic again. “When can Ed go and pick up Five?” Sam asked

Janine frowned. “Not until clean up is mostly done, we can’t risk Ed or his motorbike until there is a safe path.”

“Meanwhile Five is freezing to death.”

Janine turned the mic on. “Runner Five, move around a bit more, the movement should attract the zombies faster, and it’ll help keep you warm.”

Something rustled, and Five’s dot started to pace.

“You’re doing great Five, Janine says she’ll even let you have a hot bath when you get back,” Sam said.

Janine shot him a look, opened her mouth to object, but closed it with a snap. Turning back to managing the cleanup crew.

Sam smirked.

* * *

Five didn’t have a hot bath when she got back.

Admittedly Sam should have been a bit more consistent checking in with her. But when her only response could be a few taps her deteriorating state had slipped his notice. That with the added mess off trying to organise a cleanup in the middle of the night with over thirty people out and only ten of them having headsets, he was surprised he even noticed Five stopped shivering at all.

That’s what he told himself, that’s what Maxine told him. But what he knew logically and what he felt emotional were two very different things.

“Five, you doing good?” Sam asked again when he noticed she had moved away from the river. 

Four taps – one tap. _Zombies, one._

“Is it down?”

Double-tap.

“Great, Janine still needs you close to the river, trick a few more into it,” Sam said.

Five double-tapped again and her dot moved back closer to the river.

More time passed, when Sam noticed someone was humming. He didn’t want to waste time and distract the others by asking who it was, so he quickly flicked through all the mics to find that, to his surprise, it was Five humming.

Sam didn’t have the heart to stop her, especially since it was rather pleasant, and she sounded so cold she probably needed the distraction, so he made sure only he could hear it and went back to work.

When Five’s humming stopped having that shaky undertone to it, Sam grabbed Janine’s arm. 

“Five’s stopped shaking, when can Ed go out?”

“How do you know she’s stopped?” Janine asked. “Did she tell you?”

Sam shook his head. “I can hear it, she stopped shaking.”

Janine flicked through the channels to Fives on her own headset.

“Runner Five, are you well?”

Five stopped humming, she tapped twice.

“Are you still trembling?”

There was a long time until she responded. Three taps. _No_. At least she was honest.

“Runner Five, I am going to tap a beat to you, could you tap it back to me?”

Janine tapped a short beat through her headset. What came back was nothing like it.

“Janine?” Sam said.

“Yes I know Mister Yao, but the path still isn’t clear, and the only way across the river is the bridge a few miles west, it’s at least a five-kilometre run.”

“Simon can do that in twenty-minutes."

Janine’s eyes flicked to the scanner, the zombies on the Abel side of the river still grouping.

“We need bait there still otherwise they will head back and swarm the cleanup.”

“Bait. Five isn’t bait.”

“In this situation she very much is.”

“She won’t be bait for much longer if she freezes to death,” Sam said. “Send Simon, he can give her his jacket or something, at least she won’t be alone, we can send Jody behind and she’ll take Five’s place then Simon can bring Five home.”

“We’ll be losing two clean-,” Janine cut herself off. “But a runner _is_ invaluable. Yes, coordinate that then Mister Yao.”

Sam swallowed.

“Three, Four, you guys need to pull away from clean up, Five isn’t looking so hot, start heading for the bridge across the river northwest of you, It’s likely Simon you’ll need to help Five home, Jody you’ll have to stay and act as bait for the zombs.”

The Simon and Jody dots started to move, joining up together and darting around a mini horde forming. 

“How unhot is Five looking, Sammy?” Simon asked.

“Just, not good.”

“You go on ahead Three, I’ll catch you up,” Jody said.

Simon hummed. “Right then, time to go full sprint.” And with that Simon broke off, there was a reason he was the fastest runner, he ran like grease lightning.

Sam flicked back to Five's channel “Just hang on Five, Simons on his way.”

Five chuckled.

“Yeah, not exactly the knight in shining armour you were hoping for,” Sam said. “What is he? Too good looking for you? Too coordinated? Yeah unfortunately not all of us are blessed with the ability to control our limbs at all times, some of us are clumsy.”

“Aww you think I’m good looking,” Simon said.

Sam could have kicked himself, he was getting tired now, forgetting to turn off certain channels.

“In a chiselled, artificial sort of way,” Sam said. “Like a ken doll, you can tell it’s supposed to be attractive, but you just can’t see it.”

“I’m all natural baby,” Simon said. “No added preservatives, nothing.”

“How are your eyebrows doing, Si?”

Silence. “One day, Sam, you are going to wake up with no hair, and you will feel my pain.”

“No, not my hair, it’s my best feature.”

There was a double-tap.

Simon barked a laugh. “Five agrees with you on that one there, Sammy boy.”

Sam felt his face get a little warm. Five likes his hair, that was…nice. Really nice.

He cleared his throat. “Uh…thanks, Five.”

Simon gasped. “You can actually hear the blush in his voice, listen to him, he’s speechless. Five I think you finally discovered the way to cure Sams really bad case of verbal diarrhoea, just compliment him,” Simon paused. “Yeah, I will not be doing that anytime soon.”

“How are you still talking at the pace you’re going?” Sam said.

“Lungs of a whale, baby.”

“Do whales have lungs?”

“Is this really the conversation you should be having right now, Mister Yao?” Janine butted in. “How close are you to Runner Five, Runner Three?”

“Crossing the bridge now, I think I can hear Five’s noisemaker,” Simon said.

“Pick up the pace.”

Simon did, running a little too fast now to chat. Sam spent the time coordinating a few more things in the cleanup, Evan fell in a rabbit hole and had to be taken back, leaving Sara as defacto head runner.

“Ahoy, Five!” Simon called. “Oh fuck,” He said his voice lowered.

Sam flicked back to their channels. “Why _oh fuck_? What does _oh fuck_ mean, Simon?”

“Christ Five, here take my jacket, no no I don’t need it, yes that is a noisemaker, oh, you want, okay one sec-,” the noisemaker turned off. “That better? Good, now jacket, see nice and warm I just sweated all in that thing.”

“That’s really gross, Three,” Sam said. “Is she okay?”

“Give me a second Sam,” Simon said. “Okay so this is gonna sound like a cheesy movie, but I think he would be a good idea if- Ow! – okay fine, no hugging for warmth, got it. Fuck Five, that hurt.”

“Simon?”

“Sam, I am trying to deal with a very confused and slightly scared Five, give me a second,” he snapped.

_Sometimes you talk a lot when you’re nervous._

Sam took a few breathes to try and calm himself. Simon was with Five, she would most likely be okay. She was okay, she was okay.

Oh who was he kidding, she was obviously not okay.

“Jody, how close are you to the others?” Sam asked.

Jody panted. “Just coming over the bridge now, have I mentioned how much I hate night running, I hate it, I hate it.”

“Jody’s about ten minutes out,” Sam said. “When she gets there you and Five can start heading back.”

“Hear that Five,” Simon said. “We can head back to Abel, you don’t look up to running, but do you feel up to it? Good, good, right, no you can keep the jacket, yeah I’m sure…god this is going to be a long night.”

* * *

Sam ran to the hospital, bursting through the doors loudly enough that the occupants looked up.

He gave Evan and his sprained ankle a nervous wave. Evan smiled and pointed through the door to the second room.

“They’re in there unless you came by to check on me,” Evan said, patting Bonnie’s sleeping head.

Sam stammered for a moment, he really should check on Evan, but admittedly he wasn’t actually here for him.

“I’m fine Sam, just a sprained ankle, go on through.”

Sam smiled. “How long did Maxine say you had to be off your feet?”

Evan groaned. “Two weeks. And it’s not like I can fudge it, not after I tore into Jody about trying to run after her injury too soon.”

“You’re gonna hate it.”

“Already do, I do not like hospitals, would like to leave soon, but the Doc is a little distracted and I still need her say-so to leave, so go take over and tell her to send me back to my bunk, will you?”

Evan gestured at the door again.

Sam looked to the door then to Evan again, then back at the door. “Get well soon," he said.

“Yeah yeah.”

Sam opened the second set of doors a little quieter this time, too quietly, as the occupants didn’t even look up.

Five was sat cross-legged on a bed by the wall, blankets wrapped around her, shivering something awful whilst she cradled a steaming mug. Maxine sat on the bed next to her talking quietly.

Sam coughed.

They both looked up.

“Sam…are you okay?” Maxine started.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“What can I do for you then?”

“I just wanted to check in with Five.” He said slowly, then a litter more quickly “Also Evan wants me to tell you that he wants to go home.”

Maxine stared at him for a few beats, an odd look on her face, something between a smile and a frown like she was trying to solve a problem. It faded and she swore. “Shit, I forgot about Evan, sit with Five for a moment, I’ll be right back.”

Sam nodded. Before he made it across the room Maxine met him and grabbed his shoulder, leaning in close. “She’s a little confused, so be gentle.”

Sam settled on the bed next to her. She gave him a dopey smile.

“Hypothermia, bullet wound, you have a checklist of serious medical conditions you working your way through?”

Five shrugged.

“What’s next on the list?”

Five tapped her head.

“Please don’t get a concussion, for the love of god.”

She gave him a mischievous look.

“No Five, you shouldn’t take that as a challenge, no I-,” he sighed. “I shouldn’t have brought the list up, now you’re gonna make a list.”

She turned back to her mug, but something in her expression was different, she seemed sad. Sam bumped into her arm with his.

“Hey, you doing okay there?”

Five tried again for a smile, but even he thought it was weak.

“Five…” he paused. “Wait I have the notebook for you-,”

She raised a hand to show how badly it was trembling.

“Ah…yeah, maybe not.” He took a calming breath, she was okay. Why was he so panicked, of course, she was okay.

Five rotated her wrist a few times, then resumed her grip on the mug, running her thumb along the edge. Some of her damp hair fell out from behind her ear and into her face. She tried to blow it out off the way, gave up, took a sip of her drink.

Sam raised his hand, not really thinking, reaching to tuck the hair behind her ear. Five flinched. She threw her hands up to protect her face, the mug smashed across the floor, tea spilling everywhere. 

It took a moment for his brain to catch up with what happened. He swallowed and lowered his hand, unable to take his eyes away from Five’s face. She was absolutely terrified, eyes wide, jaw tense, he wasn’t sure if she was going to hit him or run.

Sam searched for something to say, too shocked to do more than stammer for a second. “Sorry, I didn’t mean-,”

“What was that?” Maxine called.

Five quickly dropped the fear, shifting away from him and onto the floor, picking up the shattered pieces. Sam joined her, smiling at Maxine when she stepped into the room. He was trying to follow Five's lead of calmness despite not knowing why. 

“What happened? Five get back onto the bed I’ll clean it up, no - give me that. Bed. Now.”

Five looked suitably scolded and got back on the bed, sticking her tongue out at Maxine. If Sam hadn’t been so shocked, he would have thought he imagined the fear he saw in her face.

It was so vivid, it wasn't a mistake. She had been terrified of him.

“God you’re a child,” Maxine said, taking the broken pieces from Sam and depositing them on the table. “I think this is a good sign for you to get some sleep, hmmm?”

Five tried to look annoyed, but it was lost when she yawned.

“Yeah that’s what I thought, you get to bed too Sam, you look like shit.”

“Always there to boost my confidence, Maxine.”

“Well, you do. Bed, both of you.”

Sam gave Five a soft smile, and while she returned it there was something else there. Five looked guilty, like it was her fault for panicking, if anything Sam should feel bad, he was the one that triggered that reaction.

“Night,” Sam said, stepping out of the room.

He took a deep breath, something didn’t sit right with him. All those time’s he hugged Five, that time she held his hands when he had that weird midnight panic, he’d thought she was repulsed by touch, which was okay, he could respect that boundary, he had been respecting that boundary, he just got tired and didn’t think. But it wasn’t that Five didn’t like it, she was _scared_ by it.

That didn’t sit right with him at all.


	9. I was alone so long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No spoilers but does take place directly after Season 1 Mission 17

“Okay Chris, you can head back on in, look over that data, or whatever it is you do in that lab all the time that lets you do all this cool stuff. Five, you all right to put your headcam back on?” Sam said, calling for the gates to be raised. 

“See you later Five, have fun Christmas shopping,” Chris said, ducking under the gate and into the quad. 

“It’s not...we’re not Christmas shopping.”

Chris sniffed. “Yeah you are, I know you are. Evidence one, Five had an afternoon free yesterday she didn’t originally have free. Two, you have been trying to convince a runner for ages to make a trip to the shopping centre, and Three, somehow the shift that Five was supposed to have in the kitchen yesterday was taken by you.”

”It’s concerning you memorised everyone’s shifts.” Sam saw Five’s headset come to life, he flicked her headset over to a one way channel.

“I’m just observant.”

“Yeah, well, don’t tell the others.”

”They already know Sam.”

”Oh bug off.”

Chris turned his headset off and went to his bite checks. “Okay Five, you know where you’re going, Christmas shopping awaits!”

Five started jogging, skipping over puddles as she went. She did that a lot, Five would skip or bounce when running for long treks, one time she leapt across a ditch and spun in the air as she did. Sometimes she would do these little hops between raised mounds if she were running across uneven surfaces then giggle to herself at how fast she went. He never commented on it because he didn’t want her to feel self conscious. She never did it on runs with other people, even the runs with Simon she remained stoic, despite how chaotic those two were starting to become together. 

Simon was bringing out the worst in her, or the best, he had yet to decide. The chaos hadn’t targeted him yet. He was not looking forward to the day it would.

And even though he felt a little pang of jealousy for the way her and Simon got along, he couldn’t help but feel pride at the fact that Five had little moments like this she wasn’t afraid to share with him. Five didn’t take the time to look at the sky with others the way she did on runs alone, she didn’t stop and stair at the animals the way she did with just him on radio. He felt like he was intruding into Five’s bubble, but she knew he was there, so it wasn’t so much an intrusion as it was an invitation. In a way he felt flattered. 

“Okay Five, that pace is good, so as you run, I’m gonna talk you through the list I have made, of course it’s all dependent on what you can find, so if you think of something better then just grab it,” he said. 

Five tapped a yes. 

“Okay then, so for Maxine, I was thinking maybe some new miniature paint, or like a dice set, something she can use often but isn’t related to her work because she needs a break from it,” he said. “For Jody - she’s easy, some wool and knitting needles, Simon - uh like something fitness related, maybe like protein powder, do you know anything about protein powder?”

Five chuckled and tapped another yes. 

“Great, yeah that then. For Evan I was thinking a new dog lead for Bonnie seeing as his one is getting really tattered. Jack has been complaining about his old Hawaiian shirt ripped, Maggie’s been desperate for some running shoes in her size because she actually has child size shoes. Speaking of children, I think we should look for some new clothes for Molly. Uhh, Eugene said safety pins and ‘the will to live’...so maybe chocolate for him. Chris said ‘hmm’ then told me something about the weather, so maybe chocolate for him too. Sara told me not to waste my time. And Janine...I’m still working on Janine.”

Five groaned. 

“What? What...okay yeah I know it’s a lot and it’s only two days till Christmas but if you get small things I’m sure it’ll all fit.” He paused for a moment. “I realise that’s easy for me to say when I’m not the one carrying the bag around in the rain”

His scanner beeped. “Oh okay you may have, yeah you picked up like two zombs on your three, shamblers so you should be fine, just keep going.”

He continued to muse about what they could get Janine, he knew next to nothing about the woman, other than that she was scary and did not like marmite. 

“I could get her marmite as a joke,” Sam said. Dread set in his stomach. “Yeah, maybe not, she’ll kill me if I did something like that.”

Five hummed in agreement. Something rattled and he looked back to the head cam as Five pushed open a fence, closing the latch behind her. 

“You there?”

_Yes._

“Great, okay, maybe just wander around and see if anything catches your eye. Stay quiet, I need a few moments to get into their cameras, hopefully the power hasn’t died since you were last here.”

The head cam got lower as Five crouched. It was like a shitty first person shooter game with no gun and he had no control over the character other than telling them what to do.

Glass crunched beneath her steps, she’d made it around to the window they shattered to get into the centre last time. 

“Okay, one second, yeah, they still have enough power for the camera’s. Can’t get the lights on though, gonna have to torch it,” as she scrambled through the window Sam checked for zombies. “Initial checks looks good, there’s a few in the basement but nothing you can’t handle.”

She snorted. 

“Oh come on, don’t sell yourself short, well shorter than you already are,” he teased. Five wasn’t actually short at all, but he sure did enjoy the way her face screwed up when he teased her about it.

_Shut up sam._

“I can’t, sorry, my job is literally to talk at you,”

_No_

“Oh yes!”

_No_

“Get to it Five, we don’t have all day, you have presents you need to haul home through this lovely winter rain.”

”Ugh.” Five said, moving through the pathway. 

She went straight to the games shop first and picked up a new set of paint and dice for Maxine along with a rogue miniature for Eugene. She grabbed some nice looking vanilla protein powder for Simon and a new set of chunky wool and knitting needles for Jody. 

He continued to babble on about what he could get Janine and Sara whilst Five scoured the clothing stores for colourful shirts and running shoes. She found a pair of really nice shoes for Maggie in the kids section of the sports shop, made a detour to grab some new clothes for Molly a new pair of boots for Ed, and grabbed a shirt for Jack from the dad section of the men’s shop. Chris got a new lab book for his notes, Sam was impressed Five new what book and the store to get them from, and she even made a detour into a luxury chocolate shop to grab a huge bag of treats.

“So Sara, Janine, and Evan, that’s it yeah?” 

Her head cam moved in a nod. 

“Any ideas?”

_Yes._

“Oh, you do, um, what are you thinking?”

Five hummed, turning in a circle to properly look at the shopping centre. In a rush Five grabbed a piece of debris and hurled it at the window for a high end clothing line. 

“You know, you could have checked if the door was open _before_ doing that.”

She made a petulant noise and climbed through the window, lightly jogging to the jacket section. Five pulled out a dark brown leather jacket with sheep skin fur lining. 

“Is that real?”

Five flashed the torch on the label. “How much is that worth? Five-hundred quid for a leather jacket! Holy shit. Who you thinking should get it, Sara or Janine?””

Five reached for a second Jacket. “We can’t get them matching presents!”

She tutted and flicked through the other items, pulling out a thick corduroy jacket with the same sheep skin lining. 

“I reckon Sara would like that one.” 

It took a few tries to be able to fold the jackets up to fit into the backpack. 

“Okay, just Evan left I think, there’s a pet shop on the bottom floor, if you’re quick about it you might make it back in time for movie night.”

That seemed to light a fire under her ass, she hurled herself over the railing set up on the escalator and jogged down to the lower level, following his directions to the pet shop. 

The door was open, and Sam swore he heard her sigh at not being able to hurl a brick through another window. 

She grabbed the fanciest looking dog lead they had and grabbed a few treats for safe measure. “Okay then, lets get you home, head up the way you-,”

A high pitched mew cut him off. 

He laughed. “Five was that you?”

Five tapped a no, her headset spinning back into the shop. 

“Is that...no way, is this a pet shop that kept animals.”

Five didn’t answer, wandering around to the back of the shop. She had to push a few boxes aside, pulling the creaky door open.

Five gagged, bending over to retch.

“Five are you okay?”

She coughed, but thankfully wasn’t sick, standing up and spitting to aside. 

Torch light flashed over torn apart animal food, and locked cages.

Sam grimaced. “Oh fuck, the poor things.” Sam said. “Five move the light off...I don’t wanna see that.”

The light flashed away, but Five moved closer to one of the open pens, the mews getting louder. 

“Oh god, is something alive.”

She peaked over the edge of a pen.

Sam gasped. “Oh my god...it’s kittens, well, kitten singular, all the others, oh god, and the mum, oh, the poor little guys.”

Five set the torch down and reached into the pen, picking up the only moving kitten from the bunch. He had to look away when the camera got too close to the rest. Five moved away from the pen as far as she could before looking down at the tiny life she held in her palm. It mewed pathetically, a little fluffy white kitten, eyes already opened. 

“Christ that is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen!”

Five huffed, scratching at it’s little head as it writhed. 

“God we can’t just leave it.” She hummed an agreement. “But like, how on earth do you take care of a kitten, you have any idea?”

She cradled it close to her chest and picked up the torch, a girl on a mission, stomping to another section of the store. She placed the kitten down, and started ripping other items of the shelf. He watched in awe as she made a bottle of milk for it, picked it up again and urged it to feed. 

“I can’t say I’m surprised, you did strike me as a cat person,” he admitted. “God look at them, they’re so cute, look at its little face and its little paws with the little beans, it’s the cutest thing I have ever seen! We can’t just leave it there.”

She settled down on the floor, setting the kitten in her lap. 

“I can’t keep it I know absolutely nothing about cats,” he admitted. “Do you want it?”

She considered then shook her head. 

“We can’t bring it back with...wait didn’t Simon say something about wanting a cat? He did didn’t he, forget protein shake shit, this is a way better gift, maybe he’ll forgive me for the eyebrow thing and I can stop living in fear that I’ll wake up with no hair!”

She cooed as the kitten continued to feed. 

“Great, see if you can find a cat basket and we can bring it home for him, Abel town cat, this is gonna be sweet.”

* * *

Five never ran so fast as she did trying to get the kitten home through the rain and back to Abel. 

Sam met her at the gates and took the overflowing bag of gifts straight from her. “Maxine has agreed to let us hide the kitten and the gifts in the lab until Christmas if we convince Simon to let her name it, think you can do that?”

She held up the cat basket and gave him a determined nod. Even with her hair sticking to her face from the rain and her cheeks red from the cold she still managed to command a sense of badassery.

“Quick, then, we must sneak the gifts through the town before anyone notices. Let the sneaking begin.”

Sam made a show of stealthing through the town, pressing his back to the walls, crouching as low as he could, peeking dramatically around corners. Each time he did something stupid she giggled and that made him want to do more stupid things. They were both suitably drenched by the time they stealthed their way to the lab. 

“I think we both passed that stealth check swimmingly!” He announced. 

She raised a brow, kicking his leg gently with her foot before checking on the kitten.

“You two are so damn stupid,” Maxine said, not even looking up from her desk. “I can’t believe I’m friends with such dumbasses, look you’re getting water all over the floor.”

”Sorry, sorry,” Sam said. “But look, we have a new friend!”

Maxine’s face lit up, she shot out of her seat and rushed over to the cat basket, peering through the door. “Oh my god! Hello little guy!”

She took the basket from Five and set it down on the desk already enamoured with it. Five followed slowly, pulling the sopping yellow ribbon from her hair and wrapping it around her wrist. 

“He’s so tiny, I’m surprised he wasn’t the runt of the litter,” Maxine pulled the kitten out, it mewed again at being handled and stretched it’s legs out. They all awwwed in unison. 

“Oh man, he’s had a rough time of it the poor guy,” Maxine said, checking it over, Sam almost forgot she grew up on a farm, she probably had a lot of experience with baby animals. “But you seem pretty healthy, huh, you’re strong for one so small.” She turned to Five. “Did you bring some cat milk for him?”

Five nodded, opening a pouch of the backpack and pulling the milk out, setting it on the desk. 

“Good work, Five.”

Five smiled, wiping some water from her face. 

Maxine held up the kitten in a very lion king way and squinted, assessing the tiny thing. She hummed as she thought, chewing her lip a little. “I dub thee...Bartholomew the Second.”

”BARTHOLOMEW!” Sam was horrified.

Maxine pulled the kitten to her chest and scratched his ears. “He seems very regal don’t you think, and that way, his nickname can be Bart.”

“You can’t call him Bart!”

Maxine pointed a finger at him. “I can, and we agreed, I’ll hide Bart only if I get to name him! He is named Bart, say hello to Bart, you’re being impolite, Samuel.”

He conceded and wrapped an arm around Maxine, scratching the kittens chin. “Nice to meet you Bartholomew.” 

Five stepped forward, gripping her hands together before her, head cocked, smiling softly at the kitten. He liked this smile, it was one he hadn’t seen before, soft and loving yet a little exasperated, like she just couldn’t understand how the kitten existed. 

Maxine said something. 

“Sorry what?” Sam said, stammering a little, dragging his eyes away from Fives face.

Maxine got that strange look he’d seen a few times now that he had yet to figure out what it meant. 

“I said maybe you should go get dried up, Janine will kill you if you track water in the rec room for movie night. I’ll take care of Bart here, go on now, both of you, before you catch your deaths.”

* * *

Five pulled the knife from under her pillow, flipping around and pressing it to her assailant's throat.

“Woah, sorry Five it’s me, you’re okay.”

It took a while for sleep to lose its grip on her and she could clearly see Sam’s face hovering over her. She frowned.

“Sorry…I uh, you said if I-,” he laughed “-could you lower the knife?”

A few more beats and her brain finally caught up. Here she was, gripping Sam by his hood pressing a knife into his neck. Yeah...not a way to make friends.

He swallowed. "Five?"

Right...Hastily she tucked the knife back under her pillow and sat up, motioning for Sam to sit down properly.

The camp bed creaked with the added weight. “Sorry, I uh…I had a bad dream.” He whispered. “And…usually, I would go to Maxine but she’s been…it’s been tough for her lately, and Bart hasn’t been letting her sleep and, and…I’m sorry I should go I shouldn’t have woken you.”

He reached for the door, stepping to leave. In a panic, Five grabbed his hand with both of hers, wrapping one hand around his wrist. He was warm, Five noticed, his hands were warm. 

Sam sat again, a dazed expression on his face, after a moment he seemed to come back to himself and pulled his hand out of hers, fussing around with one of her spare blankets instead. It shouldn't hurt to have him let go, but it did.

 _Of course he would_ , she thought, _just like what he did that night in the comms shack_. Why would he want to be touched by her? Why would anyone?

He continued to fuss with the blanket, smoothing it out then messing it up again just to smooth it out. She watched curiously and wondered when she had learned that Sam fidgeted when he was nervous. She'd had to repair the hem of his hoodie three times now after she found it laying about with the sleeve half ripped. He'd assumed it was Jody repairing it and had been leaving her chocolate as thanks. Five didn't mind not correcting him, Jody got chocolate out of it that way, which made Jody very happy. Each time she picked it up the old threading she used had been torn out, then attempted to be dawned back together with clumsy hands. She wouldn't be surprised if he left it laying around once he tore it because he was too embarrassed to admit he ripped it again.

“Do you get bad dreams?” He asked after a while, staring intently at the tarp opposite them where Sara slept behind.

Automatically she would have said no, but that’s not what Sam needed right now. He needed to be understood. And what was a little vulnerability and uncomfortableness when it came to Sam’s wellbeing.

She nodded. 

“You do?” He asked, turning to look at her.

She nodded again, cocking her head a little. Trying to indicate he should talk about his.

“I didn’t think…I-,” he cut himself off, staring at his knees, picking at the stray threads in his pyjama bottoms. “I keep dreaming about what life was like. They say that don’t they, that it takes a while for reality to catch up with dreams. Thing is, what I dreamt about tonight wasn’t even that scary.”

He pulled up his legs onto the bed, hugging his knees. There were a few beats she considered nudging him to continue, but she thought better of it. Give him time, he needs time.

“I have this one dream right," he started, voice low and breathy. "Where it’s like my mums birthday, and I forgot to get her a present, and I oversleep, so I’m late for the birthday breakfast or something. I wake up to hear my dad being really angry with me for forgetting, like really angry, and I run downstairs, but like, the way you run in dreams, all slow and shit, and when I get down there, my mum just looks up at me from the sofa. And she’d got a cup of tea in her hands, and I expect her to be mad at me, or disappointed, but, but she…she just looks sad.”

A long shaky breath, a sniff. His nose twitched a little as he worked through what he wanted to say next.

He chuckled. “That’s it…that’s the whole thing, nothing…nothing dramatic or anything, just, me fucking up as a son…again.” He sighed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I miss my mum. I wish…I wish I’d been a better son to her.”

He bowed his head. “I think it’d be easier to deal with the nightmares if they were just, like, zombies chasing me. This...this hurts more.”

Five didn’t know what to do. A hug seemed redundant if he didn’t like her touching him, she couldn’t really offer words of encouragement, what else do people do to make them feel better?

He sniffed. “Sorry, I uh, I shouldn’t have just sprung this on you.”

Five shook her head, motioning for a pen or something.

He reached into the pocket of his hoodie and pulled a notepad out.

 _I said I wanted to listen._ She wrote.

He stared at it. “Yeah…yeah you did.” He wiped his nose with his hand. “I still feel bad though.”

_You shouldn’t feel bad for needing attention._

“You sound like Maxine.”

_That is the highest compliment you could have given me._

Sam nudged her arm with his. “I could give you more compliments if you like, I have plenty for you.”

She tutted and kept writing. _Tell me about your mother._

There was an odd pause, and Sam shifted so he was sat cross-legged facing her. “She was a brilliant woman, kind through and through. Everyone said I took after her which I used to hate, but now I see it as a compliment.” His expression lit up as he spoke. “She was always trying to make the world a better place you know, every summer I came back from uni she’d have this new idea on how our house can be more, like, ethical. One summer she tried to grow all our own vegetables in this little garden, said something about wanting to be more sustainable. But she was about as good as me when it came to gardening which is terrible. Green thumbs are not a Yao family trait. Didn’t even get any like little seedlings, just dirt and a few slugs.”

He smiled fondly. “She never stopped trying though, no matter how many of her crazy plans didn’t work, she just kept trying to be better.” Something in his expression cracked a little, his voice hitched too high. “I think, if I want to learn anything from her, it’s that she never gave up…she was brilliant.”

From what Five could see, Sam was already like his mother. Brave, determined, kind. Sam never stopped trying, could he not see that?

_I’m sad I never got the chance to meet her, she sounds amazing. And she raised a pretty awesome son._

Sam's smile was pinched but genuine. “Oh she would have loved you, I don’t know why, but I just get the feeling you would have gotten along really well.”

Five puffed up a little at that, she tapped the pen to try and distract from the bloom of pride.

“What about you, Five?” Sam asked. “Tell me about your family?”

The pen stopped tapping. Well...the conversation was naturally going to go here wasn't it? If anything she was surprised it took nearly three months for this conversation to hit her considering how much people liked to reminisce about family and life before. She didn’t want to put a damper on Sam’s improved mood, but she didn’t want to lie to him either. She twiddled the pen around her fingers a few times then started to write.

 _I don’t know what happened to them._ She said. _Like most people really._

“Tell me about them.” He pushed.

Sam would understand, Sam would get it… right?

She didn’t know. In her experience, people reacted very strangely when it came to her talk about families. There was a look people gave her if she opened up, a look of disbelief, of annoyance at her lack of empathy.

People rarely believed her, and if they did, they got tired of it very quickly.

She scratched the pen a few times in the corner of the page.

_We didn’t really get along._

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, most families don’t I suppose, but you love them anyway.”

There it was. Who was she to say to him she didn’t love her family when he lost his.

Five tried for a smile.

 _Are you feeling better?_ She wrote.

He ran a hand through his hair, Five was a little shocked at the urge to do so herself. “A little, I…this is gonna sound weird but-,” he picked at the blanket again and for a moment she thought he was gonna pick it up and wrap himself in it. He shook his head, deciding what he wanted to say wasn’t worth it and stood up. “Never mind…Thanks, Five, that helped a lot.”

Five stopped him before he left and held up her teddy, holding it out for him.

“What’s this?”

She wrote out her response and handed over the notebook along with the teddy.

_I’ve found on nights when it’s really hard to sleep, cuddling up to my teddy helps. Maybe they’ll help you too._

Sam smiled, wrapping his arms around the teddy and giving it a squeeze. “Thanks. Oh and uh, I guess Merry Christmas, sort off...”

She waved at him as he left.

She wished she’d asked him to stay.

* * *

Five was right, sleeping with the teddy did help. He wasn’t sure if it was because it was something to hold, or if it was because it smelt like her, and she was starting to mean safety to him. Either way, Sam slept well.


	10. Living it up on top

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warnings - Excessive drinking and drink induced vomiting (don't worry it's not angsty, Sam just had too many shots)

The holidays were bittersweet.

From the moment people woke they swung dramatically back and forth between manic feelings of celebration to low depressions and unsubtle brooding.

It was to be expected. Not everyone celebrated Christmas, Five didn't, but by nature, this time of the year tended to stir up strong emotions even before the apocalypse, let alone after it. 

After years of the media, and friends, and the world hounding you and screaming at you that you have to be spending this time of year with the friends and family you love, it left a lot of people feeling like they did something wrong when they didn’t experience that.

Now after the apocalypse, _everyone_ was feeling that same dread and shame that came with spending the holidays away from the ones you love. Five thought she was the only one who actually was looking forward to it. Even Sam, behind his chipper and present shopping and spending hours decorating the rec room, was having a tough time. Last night was indicative of that.

Surprisingly, it was Simon who cracked first, halfway through breakfast he just broke, rambling over his porridge about how he used to go to midnight mass with his grandmother as a kid. He chittered about the traditions he had to partake in and no one was quite sure what to say. Then suddenly he just stopped, midsentence, staring at the sludge in his bowl, his jaw worked a few times, and he set the spoon down.

“Sorry.”

Sam and Five shared a look.

It was Sara who came to the rescue, putting a hand on Simon’s shoulder in an unusually maternal way. “How bout we step outside for a bit?”

Simon nodded dully and let himself be led away.

The group sat in silence.

“I forget they are both catholic sometimes,” Jack said, breaking the stillness. “Well, Simons a recovering catholic, I’m not sure where he actually stands on the believing page, but I know his nan was really big on the hellfire thing.”

“Sara’s catholic?” Jody asked.

Eugene frowned. “I thought she was protestant, she’s from Northern Ireland right?”

“Yeah, that’s a bit of a generalisation, Gene,” Jack said. 

Another grim silence.

Five didn’t like it, she didn’t like how sad everyone looked, but she had absolutely no idea what to do to make it better. This was the first time in her life she was spending the holidays with people she liked, and they were all sad. What would Sam do? 

“So, what’s your lots plan for today?” Maggie said slowly, broaching conversation again with caution. “Are you just gonna sit around and wait till I bring out dinner?”

“I say we get really drunk,” Jack said. “Like, shit faced.”

“Do we have enough alcohol for that?” Jody asked.

Sam nudged Five's arm. “Five, you found that liquor shop in Barton, fancy doing a Christmas run? You’ll get first choice in drinks?”

Maggie whined. “No! Five is helping me with dinner she can’t go!”

“It's seven in the morning,” Sam said. “Dinner’s not planned till three, Five won't be more than an hour.”

“Yeah, I’m already behind schedule because I decided to eat with you losers. What if Five gets eaten then she can't cook for me and I'm one set of hands down.”

Jody tutted. “I don’t like organised you, you’re mean.”

“You won’t be saying that when I cook those ducks you shot.”

Jody opened her mouth to argue, then closed it again, the promise of duck quelling her.

Maxine leaned back, folding her arms. “Why can’t one of the cooks help, you know, like how they cook every meal?”

Maggie shook her head. “No…no I promised I would do it, give them the day off as a Christmas gift.”

“You and Five are going to cook Christmas dinner for the whole town…alone?” Maxine looked unconvinced.

“No!” Maggie looked hurt, how dare they not consider that she had a twelve-point plan with a rota and a schedule done by every quarter-hour and had been quizzing Five on it for a week. “Where do you think Evan, Ed, and Janine are?”

Eugene chocked. “Janine’s helping, can she even cook?”

“Well,” Maggie cocked her head. “Actually I sort of had to include her if I wanted to use her kitchen. She’s…I put her in charge of peeling the potatoes, she’s taking it very seriously.”

Maxine smiled. “Who else did you rope into cooking with you?”

Maggie smirked. “Chris, Rajit, Amber and a few of the farmhands. They all owed me favours, no better time than now to call them in.”

“See Five, this is why you don’t play cards with Maggie,” Maxine said.

Five shrugged.

“She actually volunteered,” Maggie said, staring at the bottom of her mug. The tea spilt over her when Five kicked her under the table. Maggie just snorted. “Oh sorry, I forgot, you didn’t want people to know. Oh no…how else are you going to keep up this stoic persona – that no one believes might I add - if everyone knows you wanted to help with dinner? What. A. Tragedy.”

Five scowled at her, then swung around on the bench to get up, grabbing Sam’s arm and pulling him up with her.

Sam smiled sheepishly at the others, cradling his food to his chest. “Guess we are getting that alcohol now, see you lot in a bit.”

“No Five wait, don’t forget about the brussel sprouts you promised to cook?” Maggie called.

“Five, for the love of god, forget about the brussel sprouts.” Eugene said.

* * *

Sam pulled open the bag of alcohol Five had brought back and begun setting them up on the drinks table.

“Damn, did she clear out the whole store?” Maxine said, laying out a bowl of crisps for the buffet. “As a doctor, I don’t condone this much alcohol consumption.”

Sam tucked the gin him and Five claimed under the table. “And as someone who likes to have fun?”

“If you could put that bottle of jager under the table too.”

Sam did so.

Maxine and Sam had volunteered to set up the rec room for dinner, he wished he roped some other people into it, two people setting up a buffet for over a hundred people, it was hefty work. He tried to help in the kitchen but after seeing the fury that is Maggie Doane in an apron he figured he wasn't strong enough for that kind of torture. Zombie apocalypse be damned, Maggie Doane was his biggest fear now.

“Sam look at this!” Maxine held up a box of celebrations. “You want a sneaky pre-dinner chocolate?”

Sam gasped. “Who put that in there?”

“Sara I think, I saw her tucking this behind the shack before bite checks, a few weeks back.”

“Good job Sara.”

Maxine opened the box and poured them out into a bowl. “Let me guess, you’re a Bounty guy?”

“Do you think so low of me?”

She tossed a Bounty at him, it gently hit his arm and fell to the floor, Sam ignored it.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, Samuel, eat the damn bounty.”

“I would rather die,” he sulked.

“Pfft.” She pulled out a Maltesers and munched on it instead. “Okay okay, what would you like?”

Sam sulked for a few more moments then relented. “Mars Bar please.”

“Your wish is my command.”

She tossed the chocolate at him and they got back to work, a comfortable silence falling between them. He’d occasionally hear Maxine crunch down on some food before tucking it behind her back and looking innocent.

“We’ll have nothing left for the others if you keep at it,” Sam said after the fifth time she snuck some food. “And I can’t believe I’m the one scolding you, when did that happen?”

“Oh, come now, it’s Christmas. Why don’t you stop complaining and break out some wine for us instead?”

Sam looked at his perfectly stacked drinks table. “Uhhh, can we go for prosecco, the wines at the back.”

“Whatever, let’s just get drinking.”

Sam poured them both drinks, sipping on his as he moved onto setting up speakers for the sound system. “Jack and Eugene should really be doing this.”

“They aren’t the ones with an engineering degree.”

“Neither am I, flunked out, didn’t I?”

She tossed another Mars Bar at him, hitting his calf.

Sam rolled his eyes and got down on his back to connect the cables under the table, scooping up the chocolate and storing it in his pocket for later. From the corner of his eye, he could see Maxine was leaning against one of the wooden pillars, watching him.

“Soooooo… I have a question for you.”

“Shoot.” He said, trying to untangle a lead.

Maxine sipped her drink casually. “Do you think Five is pretty?”

Sam shot up, whacking his head on the table. “Ow…I uh…” he scooted out from under the table. “What did you say?”

Maxine had an odd look on her face. “I said, do you think Five is pretty?”

Sam rubbed his head. “I uh…why do you ask?”

She shrugged.

“I mean like…I never really, uh, never really thought about it, you know, like Five’s Five, you know, she’s…uh,” he got his stammering under control. “Maxine?”

She raised a brow, then took a long sip of her drink. “So, you don’t think so. Huh... I think she is, and I’m usually the expert when it comes to pretty women, so I don’t see why you wouldn’t-,”

“I never said she wasn’t!” Sam blurted. “Like of course, she’s beautiful, I’m just, this is a little unexpected, what’s got you thinking about this?”

There it was again, that weird look on her face, it was almost like she was trying to hold back a laugh. “It’s nothing, get back to work.”

Sam didn’t have time to think about what Maxine just said, because not five minutes later Jack and Eugene burst in ready to finish setting up the music.

* * *

“You know I’m rather liking this game,” Janine announced, pouring herself a new drink.

“That’s because it’s organised fun, and we all know you’re a stickler for that,” Simon said, scratching behind Bart’s ear.

Janine handed the coin to Jody. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

The dinner had been amazing - Maggie had really come through for them- the party, on the other hand, felt very much like a state school disco. Janine restricted the adults to two drinks during the whole thing because ‘We don’t want to be a bad influence on the children Mister Yao.’ Which he could sort of agree with. However, the only way Janine managed to convince the others was by promising them a more…adult…party afterwards.

Jody flipped the coin in the air, it landed on a blank space.

She tapped her mouth with the pen. “What should I write?”

"Oh!" Simon perked up. “I have an idea, come here.”

They schemed quietly amongst themselves.

Jack settled down on the other side of the circle. “That should be the playlist all set up.” He said. “Did I miss anything?”

Eugene picked at Jacks new shirt and smiled. “No, dear.” He kissed him. “How much ABBA did you put on the playlist by the way, you know, so I can prepare myself emotionally.”

"And physically, ABBA is a whole-body experience" Jack smirked, he stopped looking so cheeky at Eugene's expression. “The reasonable amount.”

Eugene rolled his eyes.

“Okay!” Jody yelled. “I have the rule!” she leaned over and drew a circle in the blank space, writing in it. _The next person must down their drink._

Sam was a little confused until Simon handed Bart to Jody picked up the coin and held it over the circle.

“Oh, what’s this Five?” he said, Five scowled at him. “Oh, it appears that-,” he dropped the coin right on Jody’s rule, “-it seems that _you_ have to down your drink.”

Maxine flailed her arms around. “No, no no, you can’t just drop it!” she said, Sam moved her drink out of whacking range. “You have to flick it.”

Simon and Five snorted.

It took a few moments for Maxine to realise why. The dawning of realisation on her face a joy to behold. She groaned. “Come on Five, I was defending you, now you have to down your drink,” Maxine said. “Go on…for being such a smutty shit, down it.”

Five blinked at her full mug of gin and lemonade that was more gin than stale lemonade. If he was keeping track correctly - which admittedly was getting harder as the night went on - both him and Five were on their fifth drink and Maxine was on her third. He really should come up with a better system to keep track. He knew Maxine tended to get tired after her forth so maybe bed for her soon, but Five...well this was the first time Five had drunk with them, for all he knew she could be well past her limit.

“You don’t have too,” Sam said quietly.

Five seemed to take his comment as a challenge, a smirk pulling at her lips. She raised the mug to them and quickly begun to down it, raising her other hand triumphantly as the others cheered.

She flipped the mug upside down to prove it was empty. Yeah...nowhere near her limit.

“Well done!”

“You can tell she was a student!”

Five burped and smiled, holding her hand out for the coin. Sam took the mug from her and started to pour her a new drink whilst she took her turn.

It landed in an empty space.

“What you thinking Five?” Evan asked.

Five twirled the pen around her fingers a few times, then leaned forward towards the paper. Sam didn’t realise how close they had been sat together until the connection was lost, his leg no longer pressed to hers, shoulders no longer bumping. It was nice seeing her not so scared to be close with people, though the alcohol was probably the cause for her relaxed state.

“What does it say?” Maggie slurred.

Evan leaned forward. _All those with names starting with S, take a shot._

“You can’t have targeted ones,” Sam said, “That’s just rude.”

Five took her mug of drink and handed him the coin, a shit-eating grin on her face.

“No, I will not have this slander, I’m being attacked.”

Simon groaned “Oh come on Sam, just take the coin and _toss it off._ ” He high fived Five.

“I hate you,” he flicked the coin, landing it in an empty space. “Oh, now it’s on.”

Sam wrote in big letters in his circle. _All runners take two shots._

“Are you trying to kill me,” Simon said.

Sara snorted. “Don’t be such a baby, Three.”

“I’m just worried about you dear, a woman of your age shouldn’t be drinking this much.”

Sara squinted, her gaze on Simon making him shrink a little and he went back to fussing over Bart.

Sam passed the coin and pen to Maxine, turning back to Five. “I think Sara might actually kill him.”

Five gave him a look that read as something like _I wouldn’t complain._ She held up the bottle of gin for him.

“I’m not shotting that,” he said.

“What happens if I land on two circles,” Maxine asked?

Maggie hiccupped. “I think both have to be done.”

Maxine smiled. “Okay, then runners take two shots, people’s names beginning with S, take a shot. Sara and Simon,-” she gave them a wicked look. "You take three."

Five raised a brow at Sam.

“Fine,” he snatched the gin and took a swig, grimacing at the taste. “Your turn.”

Five didn’t hesitate, she took two giant gulps of the gin straight after him.

Sam giggled, leaning closer to her. “That’s very impressive, man.”

Five pulled a face at him, poking his cheek, her warm breath tickling his skin.

“Evan, your turn,” Simon announced.

She turned away.

Evan’s coin landed on _take three sips._

“Boring! Jack land on a better one,” Jody announced.

Jack flicked the coin in the air dramatically, landing again on Five’s rule.

“You’re doing this on purpose,” Sam said, taking another swig of gin.

“What’s the matter Sammy, can’t keep up?” Sara teased.

Sam gave Sara the middle finger.

The group ooooohhed.

“Oh no, things are getting heated here in the rec room, Five, you might have to hold him down, lest he annihilates Eight,” Simon said then mumbled. “Not that he’d complain, mind you.”

Sara raised a brow at Sam. “You wanna take that back, Sammy?”

Sam stuck out his tongue at her.

The grouped roared again, Maxine raised her hands to her head. 

"You can take her Sam!" Evan announced.

"You're doomed," Jack said.

As the group continued to egg Sam on Simon took Bart away put him in the cat basket.

Maxine squeaked. “This is getting out of hand, Sam, you need to calm down!” 

“No, I wanna see a real fight,” Maggie said not getting that it was a joke. Was it a joke?

Jack shook his head. “Not really a fight, no offence Sam but Sara would have you pinned before you could raise your fists.”

“I’ll have you know that I am very-,” he searched for the word “-scrappy.”

Five snorted her drink up her nose.

“What? I am!”

“Uhh, are we not playing anymore?” Eugene asked, “Cuz I don’t even feel drunk.”

The group looked at him, the ruckus dying. “Well…toss it then, you idiot!” Jody pushed.

Eugene landed in a blank spot. “Ugh, I just want to drink.”

“No one’s stopping you, love.” Jack said. Eugene leaned forward and wrote. _Those with name beginning with E down their drink._

“You can’t target yourself,” Maggie said.

“I can and I will, now someone land on that, please and thank you.”

Janine made a point of landing on his rule for him.

“Thank you, Janine,” he said, happily chugging his drink.

Evan sighed. “Goddamit.”

Five poked Sam's side.

“What?” he asked.

She pointed across the room at Simon cooing over Bart. Sam laughed. “You would not have thought he would be such a softy, huh.”

Five shook her head.

Sam narrowed his eyes. “Is he…is he singing to it?”

Five shrugged.

“You know I think he is…oh god, that looks like it hurt!"

They both erupted into giggles, watching Simon trying to stand and tipping into the wall.

“God, I didn’t think he was _that_ drunk,” Sam said, “Look at him he’s a goner.”

Five raised a brow at him.

“ _I_ am not drunk,” he announced, “I’m not, as sober as a….a, uh, a very sober man.” Her smile grew wider. Sam shoved her shoulder. “Like you can talk, all red faced and…dopey.”

She looked a little shocked at the last word, then mouthed it, nose scrunched.

“Yeah, yup, I said what I said, you are dooopeeey.” He booped her nose.

They broke off into another fit of laughs.

“Are you two quite done giggling like a pair of schoolgirls? Five it’s your turn,” Simon said. When had he got sat back down?

Five landed on a new rule, she frowned, unable to read upside down.

“It says you have to remove an item of clothing,” Maxine did not sound impressed. “Simon wrote it.”

Five removed her boot and tossed it at him.

“Okay, okay, okay sorry,” Simon said. “Just trying to spice things up.”

“No one wants to see you strip Si,” Sam said.

Simon gripped Five’s boot to his chest in fake agony. “Ouch, that hurts Sam, that really hurts, it’s those kinds of comments that break a man’s confidence.”

“There’s such a thing as too much confidence,” Sara said. “Sam it’s your turn.”

Sam had to take another shot after landing on Five’s rule again.

“This is revenge isn’t it,” he said, passing the bottle of gin back to her. “Not sure what for, but it is.”

She gently elbowed him.

Maxine yawned. “This game is getting boring, I wanna play something else!”

“No, It’s just getting started, come on doc, one more round then you can choose the next game,” Jack said.

She took the coin and landed on _take three sips._ “Fine.”

They didn’t really get to the next round as people started to get distracted, breaking off into private conversations, getting up to dance, arguing over what game to play next.

Sam, Five, and Maxine spent a good while poking fun at each other, then at the others, including the way they dance. As the night got later Maxine hit the tired phase, she rested her head on his lap, gently dozing.

Sam poked at her head. 

"Samuel."

"Yes?"

"Do that again and I will inject you with the strongest sedative we have."

"Sounds like fun." 

He was about to poke her head again when he got distracted by Jody grabbing Five’s arm and pulling her away to dance.

He dropped his arm. Okay then. 

Sam picked up the nearly empty bottle of gin and sloshed it around a few time. Five sure couldn't dance very well, maybe if she stopped looking so nervous and actually let herself have fun she wouldn't be so...dad dancing. Sam downed the rest of the bottle.

“Looking a little lonely there Sammy,” Maxine teased, poking up at his chin, eyeing the now empty bottle of gin. “Why are you sulking, it’s a party?"

Sam frowned. “I am not sulking.” He sniffed. "Also I have a dead weight doctor on my lap."

“You are _so_ sulking,” she said, sitting up with a great effort. “When you are this drunk, you usually dance like you have a fire under your ass.”

“I am a very good dancer I’ll have you know.”

“Yes, dear, the best,” Maxine mumbled, “But here you are, drunk of your tits.”

“I’m not that drunk,”

“Samuel,”

“Maxine.”

“Samuel, I pride myself in taking care of my friends, you have drank, a very much amount.”

“ _A very much amount_?”

“Yes, _a very much amount_ , don’t interrupt me, you have drunk a very much amount, and you are sat …aloooooone. Why are you not having fun?”

"I'm not alone, I have you." He said, tapping her arm, his whole body moving with him, his state making coordinating one limb independently a rather tricky business.

"Awww, Sam!" She smiled. "But..."

Sam fiddle with the cap of the bottle.

“Thinking about Alice?”

Sam blinked. No…no he hadn’t been thinking about her at all. Oh god, should he be? Was he disrespecting her memory? He hadn’t thought about her all day.

“You can talk to me about this stuff,” Maxine said. “God knows you listen to me when I’m feeling like...well like shit.”

Sam placed the bottle on its side and started to spin it.

Maxine moved her head to catch his eye. "Sam?"

He clenched his jaw. “I think...I think that I’m gonna get another drink.”

Maxine pulled a face. “Is that a good idea?”

“Nope, but it’s Christmas.”

“Can’t argue with that logic,” Maxine said. “Maybe go for something light though.”

Getting up was the sudden jolt of reality he needed, his stomach dropping a good deal. Yeah, he wasn't feeling so hot. Sam got about halfway to the drinks table when it hit him, he stopped, his skin starting to flush. He swallowed. Oh no.

Sam swayed for a few moments, working through his options when someone grabbed his arm. Five blinked up at him looking a little concerned.

“Um, Five, I feel sick.”

She blew out her cheeks and nodded, gently guiding him the rest of the way out of the rec room. Sam didn’t like that is was obvious how drunk he got, and he wasn’t _that_ drunk, really...not really. Sam was not drunk, just, he must have eaten something bad…right?

“You’re really good to me Five,” Sam said as she kicked open the door, heading towards the communal bathroom. “You really are too good to me, when you first got to Abel I didn’t want to know you but you were just too good, and look, _we’re friends!_ Isn’t that great?”

They made it to the bathroom, she plonked him down on the floor by the toilet and pointed at it.

“I know where the toilet is,” he said.

She folded her arms.

“Actually, I don’t feel so bad anymore," he worked his jaw a few times. "I don’t think I’m gonna be-uh, oh god-”

Sam was promptly sick.

He was slowly losing whatever cool points he had managed to stock up in his interactions with Five. Not that he had many to begin with. But he figured he at least had one.

Five rubbed soothing circles on his back and Sam couldn’t even enjoy it because, hey, he was puking! What a great day.

Sam spat out the last of the bile, stomach no longer cramping, finding for the moment he felt a little better. He looked up at Five leaning over him. “God, you must think I’m such a loser.”

She made a _meh_ face.

“You’re not supposed to agree with me!” Sam announced. "You're supposed to say how awesome I-,"

Nausea hit again. Instead of being smart and turning back to the bowl, he just stayed still and spewed right onto Five’s shirt.

“Oh god.”

Five blinked down at the vomit.

“Five I am so sorry!”

She looked like she was trying very hard not to laugh, drawing her lips into a tight line, shoulders shaking a little. It didn’t work, she broke into a fit of giggles, quickly pulling up the bottom of the shirt, trying to lessen the damage.

Watching Five try and manoeuvre a sick covered shirt over her head wasn’t as fun as it sounded, not that it sounded fun, but it was impressive, rather a feat really, considering how drunk even she seemed, but she managed to ball it up, get up, and toss it in the sink with minimal casualties. The tap started to run and Sam was left in the cubicle to brood.

He rested his head on the cubicle wall, eyes squeezed shut as if that could keep the embarrassment and shame at bay. It didn't help so much with that, but it did help reduce the amount the room was spinning. “If you…ah. If you don’t want to talk to me again after this, I would…I would totally understand. Though. That would be reaaaaaly hard considering my job is only to talk at you.” He said, leaning over to spit in the bowl. “Which is good, because I like talking to you.”

Five’s chuckles echoed over the bathroom. When the spinning subsided, he pulled the cubicle door open, watching her clean out the shirt, stood now in just a sports bra and cargo trousers. He watched her for a few moments, the lines of her back shifting, the scar on her side moving with her muscles.

When she caught him staring he tilted his head, trying to play it off. “Be careful, you’ll use up all of Janine’s precious water!”

She flicked some water at him.

“Noooooo!” he swiped at the air.

Five turned off the tap, shaking her head in amusement, leaning back on the sink, hands on her hips. 

_Do you think Five's pretty?_

Sam didn't lie, he truly never really thought about it. He was starting to think about it now.

After a few beats, her smile faltered and she made herself busy, untying the ribbon from her forearm and knotting her hair back.

Sam had enough of her being on the other side of the room. He patted the floor. “Come join me, its really a luxury spot, I wanna share it with a friend. If you try really hard you can pretend it doesn’t smell like vomit in here.”

She sat down in the cubicle, leaning on the wall opposite him, resting her feet on the wall next to his head. She still only had one boot one.

Five scrunched her nose dramatically.

“Come on, it doesn’t smell that bad,” Sam said.

Five poked her shoeless foot in his face. He batted it off, shoving her whole leg.

“Gross, when was the last time you washed those socks.”

Five gave him a stern look.

“Okay, yeah I can’t talk, I did just puke on you.”

Happy in her little win, Five sat up, beaming at him.

“Welp, we knew Christmas was gonna end in tears, just didn’t think it would be _my_ tears,” Sam said. “Though I’m not sure tears that form when you're puking your guts up count.”

She cocked her head.

“Yeah you’re right they count.”

She poked at his face with her foot again. "Will you stop torturing me you little- FUCK!"

Five suddenly looked very scared.

“No…ah, sorry I forgot about your present,” he said. “I forgot to give it to you.”

He found the surprise on her face very adorable.

“Right yes...I uh, I know we agreed not to get each other anything, but I got you two things actually, you don’t have to take the second one,” he swallowed back another wave of nausea the excitement brought. “Right so I got you this really cool NASA shirt, well actually, Evan got it, but it was my idea.”

Five smiled.

“And...AND, the second gift, this one is entirely dependent on you though, I um…I got you a book.”

Five frowned. Was she not happy with it?

It took Five prompting him to elaborate for him to move forward. “Right yes, sorry, what kind of book would be important. I uh, I got you a book on BSL.”

Five raised a brow.

“Now this isn’t me telling you you should learn it or anything, that’s entirely your choice, but you said something about not wanting to have other people take their time to learn it, but I want you to know I spoke to everyone, and they all agreed that if it’s something you want to learn, they are all gonna do it with you, and if not, that’s okay too,” Sam said. “I don’t want you to think you can’t learn it because there would be no point if no one else can sign, everyone wants to, and that means you can too.”

Her expression was blank.

“Don’t feel bad if you want to say no too,” Sam said. “I just thought…I wanted to at least give you the choice." He shifted. "I wanted you to know you had a choice.”

Her jaw tensed a few times, wrist rotating nervously. She nodded.

Despite the nausea, Sam couldn’t contain his excitement.

“Really?”

Five nodded again.

“Oh, that’s great, this is gonna be so much fun, I already started to learn fingerspelling and numbers. Five is pretty easy, it’s just how you think Five would be,” He held up his hand and did the sign.

She copied him.

“Okay, and then you can, like, introduce yourself like this, so if I said. ‘My name is S.A.M’,” he signed as he spoke, poorly fingerspelling out his name. “Then how would you-,”

“My name is Five,” she signed. Her eyes widened, blinking down at her hands for a second then back up at him. “My name is Five,” she signed again.

Sam clapped happily. “Fast learner!”

Five beamed at him, a full toothy grin as she repeated herself.

“My name is Five."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, now that we are moving on into a point in the story where Five will use BSL, I'm going to not write out the literal translation of how to sign. BSL has slightly different grammar to English, and that also changes depending on how formal you want to be. Eg. To say 'my name is Kaoticfive' the way I have learnt BSL (and it's a very basic understanding atm) the literal translation from BSL would be 'name me what? Kaoticfive'  
> In addition, a lot of signs rely on facial expressions and mouthing to change the meaning, so I am aware that as I write Five's conversations from here on, that what she's saying wouldn't be exactly correct to what she's signing. BSL is a whole other language, and like a whole other language, I'm going to translate as I would if I had characters speaking in something like Dutch but wanted you as the reader to understand. 
> 
> Btw if you wanna learn BSL, https://www.british-sign.co.uk/ are doing reduced courses for like £3 minimum at the time of posting, maybe if you wanna pick up a new skill check it out (of course this is redundant if you ain't British - I just think that sign language should be more readily taught.)


	11. No stranger to the cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to S1 M19 - an unimportant mission
> 
> Content Warnings - Character death, descriptions of violence, descriptions of depression symptoms, grief.
> 
> Take care of yourselves and stay safe out there!

Sam was not enjoying his day off. Not that it was really a day off and more that it was because Janine was using the comm shack to coordinate preparations for a supposed raid by New Canton.

He didn’t know if he should be panicked or calm about that.

But it did give him some time alone he hadn't had in a while. Sam didn't notice how often he was in the shack until he wasn't allowed in it. So, with the green headphones Five got him for Christmas and the solar charger Maxine had found, he was finally able to sit down and go through his phone.

The music was nice. If he closed his eyes and didn’t look at the cold walls of the rec room, or the notices on the board about zombie safety, he could just pretend the sofa he sat on was his sofa at home, mum at the kitchen table working on her latest project whilst dad reads another history book.

Sam wished he kept better pictures on his phone that weren’t shitty memes or badly taken selfies that he forgot to delete.

Looking at himself from before felt weird. He wasn't particularly happy at the time but he didn't look like the life had been sucked out of him. He wasn't tired all the time, he didn't feel like it took the effort of ten trucks to get him out of bed, and admittedly his hair looked a lot better when he had access to a real hairdresser.

He nervously tugged at his growing fringe, flicking through the overwhelming number of pictures of cats he found around his campus, and even more pictures of dice and minis. But none of his family. None.

In a world where everything was stored online, he didn’t think he needed to store it on his phone.

He should have done what Alice did, he should have kept one physical picture, just in case. Just something to have. He could have put it up on the memory board next to the polaroid of him and Alice.

Sam pressed the palm of his hand into his eye. His brain had started to burn again, that strange sensation he struggled to place that made it hard to focus and the edge of his vision seem dark. He didn't like this feeling, and if he was honest, it scared him a little.

The music stopped, Sam looked down at the phone.

He had called his mum. 

Of course, it didn't ring, there was no signal. But he waited, for some reason, despite knowing, despite seeing what happened, he waited to see if it would dial, if someone would pick up. 

The no-signal tone cut him deep.

Sam turned his music up louder, pulling his knees up to his chest curling tighter into the corner of the sofa, staring at the fire. Six months was a long time, six months since the world ended. Damn. What would he have done in those six months if the undead didn’t rise up and destroy everything?

Probably not a lot.

He would have graduated by now if he hadn’t flunked the final term. Would he have a job? The idea of moving back in with his parents did not sound appealing but he probably would have had to.

Sam had the same thought he’s had a few times now. He’s done more in his life since the apocalypse than he would have done without it. It's a little twisted.

His brooding was abruptly cut short when Five vaulted over the back of the sofa, landing with a thud next to him, looking like a kid in a sweet shop.

Sam forced a smile and pulled his headphones off. “What’s got you so excited?”

If she noticed his odd mood she didn't let on. Five bounced a little, tucking her legs under her. She smelt like soap and toothpaste, hair damp from the post run shower, glasses steaming up a little from the warmth of the rec room. She held up a DVD.

Sam almost squeaked in excitement. “You didn’t?”

She nodded.

“Janine let you get this on your run?”

She put down the DVD and clumsily signed. “She doesn’t know.”

“How the hell did you manage that?”

“I’m fast.”

Sam picked up the case. “That you are!” He glanced at the DVD player next to the half-broken laptop on the crate they used as a coffee table. Janine said they could use it for films because it didn’t do much else than that, and saved power that would have been used for the TV. “You free now?”

She nodded, reaching into her hoodie pocket and pulling out a curly wurly for him.

Sam slid off the sofa and started to set the laptop up. “You are too good to me Five.”

She smirked, setting it down in his seat. “I know,” she signed, then shot up, hopping on the balls of her feet. “You want tea?”

She was out of the room before he finished nodding.

A part of him was tempted to tell her he wasn’t in the mood, Five was hyper today and usually he enjoyed that, but he wasn’t sure he had the energy to deal with that. He was struggling to not let himself hide in his bunk and curl up, let alone entertain a hyperactive runner for a few hours.

He couldn’t tell her to leave him alone. It wasn’t her fault she happened to be in a good mood when he wasn’t.

Sam hated this, he thought he was over it. Especially now that it wasn’t things relating to Alice that set of these foul moods, he just found he was waking up feeling off every now and then. Every now and then was getting more frequent.

He didn’t know what was going on.

Sam put the Princess Bride into the DVD slot and loaded up the menu screen, settling back onto the sofa, then getting back up to readjust the laptop so it was easier to see, making himself busy waiting for Five to come back.

He was surprised she still wanted to hang out with him, it’d been two weeks since the Christmas incident – he was grateful that thanks to Simon’s firework fiasco, New Years was cancelled, so there was no tragic sequel – and she hadn’t brought it up once, not only that but she'd been putting more effort into hanging out with him. Usually, he initiated their conversations, it was nice having it the other way around.

Five nudged the rec room door open with her hip, handing him the mug with a soft smile. He frowned. From this angle, he could see a hefty bruise on her jaw.

“Uh, Five, did you get punched?”

She nodded, settling down on the other side of the sofa, pulling her legs up. “Eight.”

“Again?” He sighed. “If I didn’t know any better I would say you enjoy getting punched by her.”

She wiggled an eyebrow. “I do.”

Sam blinked. “Right there’s a lot to unpack in that, you know when people have crushes on other people, they don’t actually want to be crushed by said people.” He paused. “Well…maybe they do.”

She kicked him and motioned for him to start the movie.

“Okay, okay, jeez, you nearly made me spill my tea.”

Five sipped on her own tea, smiling to herself as the movie started.

Sam made himself comfortable, struggling to keep his legs up without touching Five. Which was tricky considering how much she fidgeted, but he wanted to keep respecting her space. However, she seemed to not mind so much, because a little way in she shifted to sit cross-legged on the sofa and her knee pressed against his.

_Oh..._

Why was he so aware of it? It made his skin crawl, but not in a bad way, just that he couldn’t help but focus on it. It was just a knee, just a small bit of contact, nothing more. He needed to stop thinking about it now.

_Do you think Five is pretty?_

Five fidgeted again, contact breaking. He was both happy he no longer had that to focus on but sad at the same time. Sam now realised he hadn’t even been watching the movie this entire time.

He forced himself to focus intently on it. 

_Watch the movie, Sam, It's not that deep._

He must have been very focused on being focused because about halfway through, Sam only just noticed she stopped moving, she wasn't even looking at the laptop.

Five was curled up, her head tucked into the crook of her elbow, resting it on the armrest. Her hair fell around her face, the glasses slightly wonky from the angle she lay. She was fast asleep.

Okay, now that was cute.

He called it the Runners Rule, a piece of slang some of the others had picked up as well. Leave a runner along in a warm comfortable space for fifteen minutes and they _will_ pass out. Didn’t matter the time of day, or where the space was, sometimes it didn’t need to be warm or comfortable, give a runner some time to stay still, and said runner will be out like a light.

The number of times he’d found Jody dozing with her knitting in her lap, or that time he found Simon asleep in the greenhouse. Ed was the biggest culprit, he could sleep standing up. He imagined it was also because he had serious dad energy.

They were like cats, sleeping wherever they could, whenever they could. And it made sense, the life of a runner was exhausting.

Five had been the only exception. He’d noticed her getting tired enough to drift off a few times but she’d get up and pace, force herself to move or start the nervous twitch she did with her wrist. It was almost like she didn’t want to sleep.

But the Runners Rule was all-powerful, and even the mighty Five succumbed to its will.

And damn did she look adorable.

Sam found himself smiling, turning back to enjoy the rest of the movie. He considered turning it off so he could watch the rest of it with her, but honestly, he didn’t want to move too much in case it woke her up.

She barely slept enough as it was. Last to bed and first to rise. He'd forgotten he wanted to talk to her about that.

Five’s rest was short-lived, it seems no one can have good things, as the door to the rec room slammed open.

“Sam, Five, we need you right now!” Maxine yelled.

Five’s head shot up, she looked confused. 

"What happened?" Sam asked. 

Maxine chewed at her nail, looking absolutely devastated.

“Chris just got back from a run, he’s been bitten, he doesn’t have very long.”

* * *

Five smashed the window to the house, vaulting over the frame.

“You got that, Five?” Sam said, voice shaky. “In the living room, on the table, there should be an envelope marked ‘Veronica’.”

She shook some glass off her boot and pushed her way into the house.

“We need you to take that, and if there are any other memorabilia – photos, albums, that kind of thing – you know, just in case.”

She picked up a few of the photos on the staircase along with a few more from on top of the fireplace.

“Who’s Veronica?” Sam asked.

_Oh Sam, make the connection._

Five found the living room, god it felt weird to be back in such a domestic household.

“My daughter,” Chris struggled to talk. “Her mother made a recording for her when…when she knew she was dying.” His voice broke. “I had to leave the house quickly, I forgot it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

Maxine soothed him through his coughing fit. “If we can, we’ll find Veronica, somehow, and give her the envelope.”

Five tucked said envelope into her backpack.

Sam swore. “Five the front exit is blocked and they have found the gate to the back garden, you need to leave now.”

Five grabbed a few more photos and pressed into the garden. She could hear the zombies pushing on the gate, the frame looking like it was about to buckle.

Five tightened the straps of her backpack, assessing her options.

 _Calm and collected, analyse and actualise,_ Sara had been drilling this mantra's into her recently. 

Calm and collected.

The house had a shed that connected with the neighbours, that might work.

She took a run at it, using the wall to propel her upwards and grab the roof. She gritted her teeth, arms burning with the effort of pulling her body weight. She didn’t have time to be surprised by the feat when the gate buckled. Five ran across the shed to the neighbours garden and made her way out.

She sprinted the whole way home, Chris’s coughing getting steadily worse. Sam and Maxine were both silent, unsure what to do or say, so it was just the coughing.

Chris’s death rattle, that’s what it was, the slow sounds of a good man dying. Five wanted to mute her headset so bad, she just didn’t want to listen to him in pain.

Sam seemed to clock on because after a while he turned the mic off on his end.

She didn’t know if that meant she ran out of time. Please let it not be she ran out of time.

Five practically skidded through the gate, shoving past Jack and barrelling into the comms shack, ripping out the letter.

She panted, taking in the scene.

Chris was against the wall, Maxine kneeling by him. His eyes were closed, chest barely moving, skin so grey Five thought she had been too late until Chris’s eyes opened a sliver.

He coughed, the sound wet and hollow. “Did…did? Veronica-,”

Maxine took his hand and Five felt bad she wanted to tell her not too. Where was Janine? Why wasn’t he in quarantine? She'd been so rushed to getting out on the run she didn't even consider that what Sam and Maxine were doing was incredibly dangerous.

“We got it," Maxine said. "We got it…We’ll try to find her, and give it to her.”

Chris looked around wildly. “Veronica?” He swallowed. “If you find her…tell her…her daddy loves her very much.”

Sam buried his face in his hands.

“We’ll tell her,” Maxine said, cupping Chris’s face. “We’ll tell her you died a hero.”

Chris nodded, smiling slightly, too exhausted to hold his head up anymore. A few more ragged breaths, then he stilled.

Five reached for her knife.

“We’ve…” Sam started, his eyes were red.

“He was waiting,” Maxine’s voice was low and dull, “-for you to find the envelope. He…he held out for that.”

Sam’s features shifted to panic. “We’ve got to…”

Maxine nodded. “I know…I-,” she cut herself off, then stood, turning to Sam, gripping his shoulders. “I’m not sure I can do it.”

Sam paled, his hands were shaking. “I don’t – I…"

Calm and collected.

A numbness settled on her. Old and familiar.

The knife wrung when it was pulled from the sheath.

It was a clean hit, right through the eye, the feeling of a strike like this familiar. She was used to the particular motion of resistance that came with putting someone down. 

That was it dealt with then.

She wiped off the blood on the knife using the body's trousers, careful not to get any on the floor. They'll have to be careful taking the corpse away.

“Five you-,” Sam started.

Five looked back at them. _Why did they look so shocked?_

Unexpectedly, anger started to boil in her. They shouldn’t have had Chris in the comms shack. Period. Let alone have him in here without being tied up or having any weapons on them. How could they have been so reckless? Then they were shocked when she had to deal with it quickly.

She wasn’t going to let him turn, and usually, these things only took a few moments. Yet _they_ looked shocked.

They had no right.

Five scowled.

“Oh god.” Maxine started, giving her that same look she got from those people in Mullins.

Five was definitely angry. She hated that look.

How dare they, how-

Maxine made a funny noise then cut herself off. “I’ll go…I’ll go get a gurney for the body.”

The door left a hollow echo.

Sam was staring at the body, face blank, hands limp in his lap.

“He’s dead.” He said.

He sounded so broken, so distant, like he never expected this in a million years to happen. Despite the anger, she still couldn’t bear to see him like this. She took a step to the side to block Sam’s view of the corpse.

He looked up at her face, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I-,” his eyes flicked to the knife in Five’s hand. “-I’m sorry I…”

Sam stumbled up and left, leaving her alone with the body, the smell of death starting to stain the air and Five wondering why she felt absolutely nothing when she looked at it.


	12. Epic I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to the end of Season one  
> Content Warnings: Canon character death, descriptions of violence, guns, blood  
> As always take care of yourselves and stay safe out there!

_You know what._ Five thought. _Fuck this shit._

She took the noisemaker from Sara, attaching it to her backpack.

_Seriously, fuck this shit, fuck that horde and fuck New Canton._

Five was debating just how stupid it would be to climb over the New Canton walls to find whatever they had for a leader and strangle them to death with a scrap of chicken wire.

She sighed…yeah that was not a good idea.

God, she really needed a nap, or better yet, someone could punch her in the face, and she could be down for the count. Maybe if she pissed Sara off enough.

She dug her nails into her palm, clenched her teeth forcing her brain to focus back in on Evan and Sara debate tactics. They all looked about as tired as she felt. It had been a long two days since Chris died.

“Six, you can fly a helo, right?”

Maggie looked up from her noisemaker. “Yeah. You want me to head to-,” she gestured vaguely to the west.

Evan nodded. “Camino Memorial Airfield. It’s quite a run - eighteen miles. But they have helicopters up there in good working order. You’ll be able to get back eventually. They might have use for you there, for a while.”

Maggie didn’t seem to like that idea, but she plastered on a smile. “I was thinking I wanted a holiday.”

Five’s headset crackled with static as Jody came back in.

“I can see them, on the horizon! Just a wall of them! Just a grey, shambling wall of people!” Jody was starting to panic, that wasn’t good, panic made people sloppy.

“She’s near Six,” Five signed, a little frustrated she didn’t know the signs to make her point clearer.

Evan hummed and pressed his hand to his headset so he could hear better. “They’re not people anymore. They’re the things that killed those people. Just remember that. You’re away towards New Canton. You’ll head part of the way with Six. If you get as far as the old mill, you can shelter there.” So, he _had_ got what Five meant.

He waved his hand at Maggie and she gave them all a clap on the shoulder and a mock salute, sprinting away towards Jody, waving as she left.

“Don’t have too much fun without me!”

Evan looked pensive. “Okay, Five, Eight, head to the gorge, do a good old-,” he stumbled on his words for a moment. “Do a good old McShell and lead them straight off the edge.”

Sara didn’t wait, she charged off, leaving Five alone with Evan.

He smiled. “I know you’ll make me proud, kid.” He said.

Five stiffened, a little taken aback by the sudden compliment.

“Now go, don’t want to leave Eight waiting.”

It wasn’t difficult to catch up to Sara.

They ran in silence for a bit, Five happy to jog at Sara’s slower pace, steadily picking up a good horde.

“Five, wait up a sec.” Five was worried she was injured, but she quickly pulled off her pack and dug inside. “Got you this, Janine has signed off for you to permanently carry, might come in handy now.”

She pulled out a pistol and holster, holding it up to her.

Five hesitated. She did not want permanent access to a pistol.

“Well go on, take it!”

Five shook her head.

“Five this is not a matter for debate, you proved you can keep your head clear in a panic and do what needs to be done. And I’d feel a hell of a lot safer knowing you had my back as I have yours.”

“What?” Five signed. “When?”

Sara gave her a dead look. “Chris.” She said by way of explanation. “Now take the damn pistol.”

Something about mentioning Chris triggered something numb in Five, she took the weapon, did her checks then strapped on the holster around her thigh, tucking the spare ammo into the inside pocket of her jacket.

“Great, now let’s pick up the pace.”

They ran again in silence for a while, the noisemakers pulling in more lines of zombies until they had nearly forty chasing them.

“Tell me,” Sara started, Five wondered if she was going to keep trying to make awkward talk. “Did it hurt when you put Chris down?”

The question practically punched her in the face.

She held Sara’s gaze for a moment.

“No.”

Silence.

It was actually sort of a relief to admit it, to let someone else know just how empty she was feeling.

The silence dragged on for too long, Five raised her hands to signs something else.

“Seven here, checking in.” Evan started. “I’m holding steady, making my way towards the steps at Minkley Park. Zombs are no good at steps, and there’s a flight of about two hundred there. Should hold them for a while.”

“Yeehaw!” Five nearly threw her off the headset. “Three here! Feel like a regular rodeo driver with my grey old cattle!”

“I’m going to kill him.” Five signed. Sara gave her a ghost of a smile.

“Six here, just checking in. Me and Four are making good time.” Maggie said, her voice clipped with the effort.

“We’re going to live!” Jody announced.

Maggie chuckled. “That we are, Four, that we are.” She paused. Sara helped Five over a ditch. “We’re just heading up the high street now towards open country.”

“Wait,” Jody started. “There’s a pack coming from the left! Maggie move, you need to-,”

“Oh no, not the kids,” her voice went hoarse, a haunted sound to it. “I hate the kids, they’re just so” a heavy impact. “Ah! Get off me! Get off, get off-,” Maggie swore. More struggling. Then she screamed.

“Oh my god!” She cried.

Her screaming got louder. A ripping noise, tearing at the back of her throat.

Sam must have turned her mic off, her sounds of death abruptly cut short.

“They got Six!” Jody cried. “Oh God.” Jody started to cry.

Sara’s jaw tensed. “Oh Jesus, not Six.”

Jody started to mumble to herself, her mic was cut off too, and Five could only assume Sam had moved her to a private channel to talk.

“Dear God, above,” Sara said. “Come on, we’re nearly at the gorge, let’s deal with these bastards.”

Five nodded, her strides vibrating her skull, a hollow feeling through her entire body.

_Feel something._ She told herself. _Anything, feel anything, just something, please._

Five imagined Maggie getting ripped apart, the tiny hands of kid zombs tearing at her.

It must have hurt, it had to have hurt. That was not a good way to go.

_Feel something, she was your friend._

Five felt nothing…nothing.

_What's wrong with me?_

The McShell manoeuvre went perfectly, the pack all plummeting into the valley below. It was a long way down, the valley open and jagged, spikes of limestone trailing upwards, impaling the bodies, shattering on impact.

_What if…_

Five returned to Sara.

She was pacing, chatting into the headset on her own private channel, seeing as Five couldn’t hear it.

“I don’t know Seven, now may not be the time…one moment-,” she pressed a button on the headset. “Sorry Five, just need to catch my breath.”

She didn’t look winded. Five shrugged.

“How you holding up?”

Five shrugged again.

Sara studied her face. “We’re just waiting on some orders from Sam, It’ll be a good time to have some water.”

Five did as she was told.

Sara tapped her arm. “Take these,” she shook a packet of pills at her. “Two of 'em, should help keep you alert.”

That’s not suspicious at all.

“It’s not drugs,” Sara said. “It’s just full of caffeine…and other things.”

Five did feel like she’d been hit by a truck. She took the pills.

“Good.” Sara tucked them away, “Should keep you at top speed for about eight hours, but after that, well, good luck with the crash.” She chuckled to herself then tapped her headset. “Sam, we’ve dealt with our pack, what do you want us to do next?”

Sam took a while to respond. “Okay, It’s okay…if you uhh, head towards Imran park, back towards Abel you should get some high ground, give me visual.”

Sara nodded. “You heard the man, double-time Five, we should be able to figure out what’s going on,” she paused at the echo of gunshots, “And figure out who the hell is shooting.”

Five pulled on her pack, tugging the straps tight and bolted, following Sara’s lead. The doubling back wasn’t the smartest move in the ‘avoid the zombies’ protocol, they picked up another large pack, clawing at them whilst they scaled the hill.

The floor gave out under Five, she cried out.

“You good?” Sara yelled.

Five pulled her leg from the rabbit hole and kept sprinting.

She was practically vibrating with energy, focussing in on every detail. Every growl sounded too close, every swipe of an arm too near. She twitched with each loud noise, and there was a lot of loud noises. Whatever Sara gave her helped keep her fast, but she was starting to feel a little too alert.

Sara pulled her up the rest of the way. “Five, shoot the fast ones down now.”

Five pulled out her pistol, taking aim at the faster zombies sprinting up behind them. She didn’t need to line up the shot, her body was already ten steps ahead of her.

“Right Sam, I got my binoculars,” Sara started to shpiel off descriptions.

Five counted her shots, taking out just as many zombies, reloading when she got too low.

Shot.

One down.

Shot.

Headshot.

Shot.

Dead.

There was a weird power in watching things fall at a distance by your hand. A sick glee. To be able to pull a tiny trigger and strike something down. 

She was starting to enjoy it.

“Five come here, tell me I’m not imagining this.”

Five shot down another zombie and backed up to Sara. She pointed out at the encroaching horde on Abel, holding up the binoculars.

Five looked through.

“It’s not just me but is that a fucking rocket launcher?” Sara said. “Is that zombies carrying a rocket launcher?”

_Yep, that seems to be the theme for the day, what next, talking zombies?_

Five nodded, turning back to the zombies clambering up the hill, now keeping half a mind on the conversation.

“Five here agrees.” Five shot down another zombie. “They’ve got a rocket launcher! I guess we know who left that out in the wilderness.”

Sam’s breathing got shaky. “Okay-,”

Static cut him off.

Five looked back at Sara, tapping her headset like that will make the connection better. She gave Five a confused look.

Something detonated.

“Oh, holy Mary mother of God, run!”

Whoever says time slows down when you’re in danger is a fucking liar. Five barely managed to see something large plummeting towards them.

The something large crashed into the side of the hill.

Heat burned her skin before the shockwave did. Her feet left the earth, plunging her backwards.

Were it not for the pain and the fear and confusion, Five could have found the falling peaceful, like floating, like the helicopter.

Five spared a moment to realise how stupid she was being before her head smacked into the dirt.

* * *

_“Take my hand, Mister Yao.”_

_“Jack, where’s Jack I’ve lost him.”_

_“Oh, dear god, the whole residential area is…it’s all gone.”_

_"How many times are they going to fire on us?"_

_“I can’t breathe.”_

_“Keep your heads down. Mister Yao, grab that rifle, yes that one, give it here.”_

_“What happened?”_

_“I’ve got Molly, Ed, here take her.”_

_“Right, on my count head for the gates…three, two, one, GO!”_

_“What happened to my runners?”_

_“We can’t think about that right now, keep moving, go.”_

* * *

Sam sat leaning against the tree, listening to the dull static voice of the Major over Janine's radio. He was aware enough to register the January cold on his fingers, but not aware enough to care.

“Yes, Ma’am, I’ve sent over our coordinates, yes thank you, over and out.”

“Sam?”

Sam blinked. Maxine was standing over him, biting her nails. “Sam I-,”

“The Major is sending a transport our way,” Janine announced.

“Where are we going?” Maxine said.

Janine’s jaw tensed. “New Canton.”

“New Canton!” Eugene yelled. “They were the ones who-,”

“Apparently not Mister Woods,” Janine said. “They are offering us aid and have already sent out signals that should be received by the runners, the Major thinks this is our best course of action.”

Eugene scowled. “What are we going to do in New Canton?”

“Recover and plan.”

“Bah!” He waved his hand.

Maxine looked between Sam and Janine. “Do we know what runners made it?”

“Evan has already been in contact,” she hesitated. “I don’t know about the others.”

Sam tuned out again.

* * *

New Canton gates didn’t make the noise, and Sam didn’t like it. It was weird that’s what he was thinking. Abel was gone and he was upset that New Canton’s gates didn’t make the noise.

He raised a hand to his head. God he was shattered.

Someone handed him a cup of tea and a blanket, someone else handed him some toast and jam, and he was ushered through the crowds of eyes and hands and mumbles and questions.

“The other Abel refugees are through here,” someone said. “They’ve been here for a few hours now.”

“Who made it?” Sam asked the voice. The voice did not respond before they were pushed through into the barracks.

Simon was passed out on a mattress, Jody sitting leaning against the wall by his head also asleep.

No Evan, no Maggie, no Sara, no Five.

There will never be Maggie. There might never be Sara or Five.

“Is…is that all who made it?” Maxine asked. 

“Sorry, I don’t know anything more than that.” The voice said. “Hey, we have another room for the kids, you want to come this way?” And they disappeared.

Maxine grabbed his arm, both in comfort and to stop herself from wobbling as they were led into the room.

Eugene immediately claimed another of the mattresses, tossing his crutches down and curling up facing the wall, ignoring everyone else.

Maxine made her way to a bed, sitting down with a sigh, wrapping the blanket tighter around her. Sam sat next to her, resting his head on her shoulder.

“God,” Maxine said.

“Yeah.”

They stayed like that for a while, more and more Abel refugees coming in, finding a spot, and passing out. Even Maxine’s head eventually bumped onto his, her breathing low.

Yet no matter how bone exhausted he was, he couldn’t sleep.

Only Simon and Jody.

No one else. He knew Evan was okay, Janine had sent him somewhere, Sam didn’t have the energy listen to more than that.

And Maggie.

He was starting to get used to hearing people die. Their screams.

There was a certain type of scream people made when they were being ripped apart. How sick was it that he knew that?

No Maggie.

Never Maggie.

And no Sara.

No Five.

Sam closed his eyes, trying not to think about it, he couldn’t, his brain was too tired to form coherent thoughts about the whole situation. He just couldn’t process it.

Each time the door opened, Sam’s eyes shot open, but it was usually someone leaving for the toilet, or a New Canton person coming in to check on them all, going around with tea for those awake.

How long had it been, how long would it be? Why were they even here?

But each time the door went, Sam checked. Just to be sure.

Janine popped her head in once, did a headcount and left, even she looked desolate.

Sam must have drifted off, because he blinked and then Janine was in front of him, shaking him awake.

“Mister Yao, Doctor, the Major wants to see you.”

They followed her out, sluggish with exhaustion.

“What’s this about, Janine?” Maxine said, a hint of disdain in her voice.

Janine didn’t answer.

They were led through a corridor, the white walls quickly giving way to old stone. The new stone corridor overlooked the gate that didn’t make the noise. Sam didn’t have time to peak out through the small windows before he and Maxine were ushered up a spiral staircase and into a conference room with a window that overlooked path leading up to the gate. The Major stood with her hands behind her back addressing a group of people around a long table, all looking worried.

“Ahh, yes, thank you, De Luca,” the Major said. “These two are the witnesses we have to the Van Ark incident at the Jeffro Complex, I believe it was your tactics that saved Doctor Myers’ life. Is that correct, Doctor?”

Maxine looked a little put out. “Uh…yeah, I think so, some of your runners set off an explosion, a runner twenty and a runner-,” she paused. “A runner five.”

The faces of the boardroom nodded.

“What’s this about?” Sam asked. “Why are we talking about that? Why are you not coordinating a search and rescue?”

Janine scowled, but Sam was too exhausted to care.

The Major smiled. “We think the attack on Abel was done by Professor Van Ark.”

“Not by New Canton?” Maxine hissed.

One of the faceless members of the board laughed. “No of course not, don’t be silly.”

“I don’t think this is a laughing matter, sir,” Sam said darkly.

The man’s smile dropped.

Maxine folded her arms. “So, Van Ark destroyed our home, why…because last time I checked, _you_ blew Jeffro up, not us.”

The member of the board all shared a look. “Can you just give us a report of what happened at Jeffro.” A woman said. “To the best of your abilities.”

Maxine did not hide that she was very annoyed. She gave the report as clipped and as harsh as possible, a motion Sam copied. By the time he finished his, he was nursing a huge headache.

The Major eyed them.

“Very good, well then you can-,”

A gunshot.

“Identify yourself, now!” A voice called over the loudspeaker. “Are you from Abel? No keep your hands above your head, Identify yourself now.”

Sam was looking through the window faster than he thought possible in his state.

It took him a while to realise the person with their hands raised up and covered in dirt and blood, squinting in the floodlight, was Five.

But he could tell. He didn’t need the bright yellow ribbon she tied on her arm to know. He knew her shape, how she carried herself, the way she placed her feet.

“Identify yourself now!” A guard called.

Five went to sign something. A bullet sprayed dirt near her foot. Sam was going to deck that guard.

“Keep your hands above your head,” Five quickly raised her arms again. “Now answer me, are you from Abel?”

She nodded.

There was silence.

“You will remove all of your weapons, leave them by your feet, and your bag too. Now.”

Five tossed down her bag.

“The gun too. Did you hear me?”

Five looked down at the holster on her thigh, when had she gotten that? She shook her head.

“If you do not remove that weapon, we cannot let you in.”

Five glared at the disembodied voice.

“Major, that’s Runner Five,” Janine said.

Sam nearly jumped, he hadn’t noticed the others press behind him.

The Major hummed, then turned to the board. “Tell your men to let her in with her weapon.”

One of the board went to argue, but another one already left.

Sam didn’t wait to hear the ensuing argument. He turned back the way Janine led him and sprinted towards the gate.

Sam practically jumped down the spiral staircase, pushing off the last step into the door that led to the entrance area. Five jumped as the gate closed behind her, she glared at the guns trailed on her, lowering her gaze, levelling with them.

He pushed past the guards.

She oomfd when Sam barrelled into her, wrapping his arms around her neck, squeezing her close to him, holding her head to his chest.

He needed this, he needed this connection. To hold her in his arms, to prove she was real and physical and safe.

She stayed still for a moment, stiff.

Sam was about to let go, give her space. He shouldn’t have hugged her out of the blue, he should have waited.

What she did next nearly broke him.

She raised her arms and hugged him back.

He could feel her hands gripping the back of his hoodie, pressing herself further into him.

“You’re okay,” he said, burying his face into her neck. “You’re okay, and I’m okay, and Maxine is okay, and Simon, and Jody and-,”

She laughed into his jumper.

Oh god, was she in pain?

He gripped her shoulders and leaned back, checking her over. He quickly realised just how covered in blood and dirt she actually was. It was mostly her face and shoulders, dripping down from her hairline, into her right eye and onto her shirt.

“Oh my god is this…is this all yours?” Sam raised a hand and touched her hair, trying to get a better view of the injury beneath the clotted blood. Before he had time for a proper check, she pushed him back, bent double and was promptly sick on his shoes.

Sam rubbed her back. “Well, I guess I deserved that after Christmas.”

She didn’t seem to register the joke, instead, she wobbled, then listed dangerously to the side.

“Oh no you don’t,” Sam caught her. “Here give me your arm,” Sam pulled her right arm around his shoulder and held her waist, looking up at the stunned guards in the courtyard.

Maxine ran out of the building he came from and spotted them. “Where’s the hospital?” She asked one of the guards, rushing forward and trying to take Five’s other arm.

Five waved her free arm around, and Maxine backed off.

“Eight,” she signed.

Maxine frowned. “She’s not here, did you lose her?”

Five paled, looking a little frustrated.

“Runner Five,” Janine and the Major walked out of the building. “Was Runner Eight not with you?” Janine continued.

Five tried to stand up straighter, she gritted her teeth, hissing in pain. Sam held her a little tighter.

The Major approached them, holding a hand out for Five to shake. “Pleasure to meet you Runner Five, I wish it were under better circumstances.”

Five didn’t shake her hand.

The Major just smiled and put her hands behind her back. “Our last report said you and Runner Eight were together, we lost communications after the explosion. We sent out another message for you, did you get it?”

Five nodded.

“And Eight?”

Sam felt her press into him a little more, it was so tiny he thought he might have imagined it.

Five shook her head.

The Major’s calm shifted into something colder. “Did you…was there a body?”

Five shook her head again.

“So, she’s missing?”

“She was bitten,” Janine said, catching on, “Dear god.”

“Eight wanted to tell you…” she signed, then hesitated, struggling to sign with one hand, but needing Sam for support. “Pen?”

“Perhaps we should do this inside,” Janine said.

“Yes, the guards are looking a little antsy, come on,” The Major said.

When they turned their backs Five slumped a little, Sam gave her a squeeze and started to walk, Maxine close behind.

Before they entered the building Sam quickly toed off his shoes, not missing the guards behind complaining about having to deal with the vomit. Well, they deserved it.

Janine led them to a different conference room, one that didn’t require climbing up a spiral staircase, thank god, as Five’s condition was getting slowly worse and worse.

He deposited Five in a chair and tried not to think about her blood staining his clothes when he sat next to her.

Five took the notebook from the Major and started to write. She was sloppy and slow, and her hands were shaking, but she wrote and pushed the paper over.

The Major read. “Sara was bitten, she told me to tell Janine that she was right, she heard the tones like you discussed. Then she lured the zombies away and gave me a clear escape, she promised to keep a bullet for herself.” The Major stared at it, something in her cool façade cracking. She leaned back, looking up at Janine over her shoulder.

“Is this about-,”

Janine nodded. Sam wanted to know what this was about too.

“Anything else, Five?” The Major said, handing back the notebook.

_I ditched the headset._ She wrote.

Janine looked relieved. “Good, we don’t need this tenuous alliance having any more strain.”

“If that’s all I’d like to get Five checked over,” Maxine said sternly. “Now.”

Someone knocked at the door. “Hi yes, we just heard that runner Five has returned, this is the runner Five that was present at Jeffro, the board would like to hear their testimony.”

Five barked a laugh, a weird look of mania on her face, then her expression crashed, and she raised a hand to her head, suddenly looking incredibly unwell, slumping in her chair.

“Nope, no, not happening, Sam, help me get Five to the hospital, tell the board they can come back later.”

The voice huffed, whilst Sam had to shake Five a few times to get her to respond.

“When is later?” The messenger said.

“When I say it is,” Maxine spat, she got onto the other side of Five. “Come on let’s get you moving.”

The voice started to argue with the Major, and by extension, Janine.

Janine gave him a look like she was checking he was okay, he smiled, and she smiled gently back. Weird times.

Getting Five to move was tough work. Sitting down had been the moment she crashed, whatever adrenaline she was riding on when she arrived had been sapped by the mere notion of taking the weight off her feet.

“The hospital is this way,” a helpful guard said.

Maxine frowned, but let them lead the way, showing the group into a private side room. They deposited Five on the camp bed, sitting her up, practically slumped against Sam.

Maxine batted away another doctor and asked for equipment, talking a little too fast for Sam’s brain to keep up with.

He instead just held onto Five, smiling weakly down at her. Five snorted and bopped his nose.

“Not having them fussing over Abel’s best runner,” Maxine said, taking some equipment from them and giving Five a soft smile.

She poured something on a rag and raised a hand to Fives face. Five flinched back, not as violent as she did before but obvious enough that she did it.

Maxine gave Sam a look.

Maxine tried again and this time Five didn’t flinch, but she did stiffen against him, gritting her teeth.

“You took a nasty hit to the head, Five, I’m going to have to stitch it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it scarred.”

Five gave a thumbs up.

“Yes, well, you do seem to be racking up a collection,” Maxine continued to clean the wound. “Any other injuries I should know about?”

“No,” she signed.

Maxine raised a brow. “Are you sure?”

Five ran a hand over the holster on her thigh, not responding. She instead pulled out the gun and turned it over, expression distant.

“Okay, okay, let’s get you stitched up then you can sleep-,” she looked at Sam “-we can all sleep.”

Sam did feel dead. “I’ll go look for some blankets.”

He moved to prop Five up on the wall, leaving her to get patched up. Her grip on the gun loosened and Sam took the opportunity to put it safely on a table on the other side of the room. He realised with a little dullness that this was the first time he held one.

Yeah, that was not happening again.

The hospital floor was slippery under his socks, funny how that’s what he’s noticing.

He got some very odd looks from the doctor on duty, and Sam just remembered he was wandering around with blood all on his hoodie. He was too tired to care.

Sam poked a thumb over his shoulder. “Do you have any pillows and blankets?”

The doctor must have taken pity on him, as he came back with a handful of quilts and pillows.

“I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.” he looked down at Sam. "If you give me that I can get it washed for you."

They traded, Sam gave up his hoodie for the pile of blankets. He mumbled a thanks and waddled back to the private room, nudging the door open with his foot.

Five was already asleep on the camp bed, curled up, bloody hands by her face. Maxine was washing her own hands in the sink.

Sam watched Five’s face.

“Shes’s got a bad concussion, and a few bruises and scrapes but not much more,” Maxine said.

Sam was reminded of Five saying her next injury would be a concussion, he made a note to tease her about it when she was better.

He was glad he could tease her about it, that she wouldn’t just be another person he had to remember. Like Alice, or Chris, or Maggie, or Sara.

He didn’t have to remember her.

But there were still so many he did.

Like Mum and Dad.

“She’ll be okay,” Sam said.

She was alive. She was alive and safe and well and living and here.

Maxine looked between the two of them. “I’m not sure the word okay is what I’ll use for any of us,” she took some of the blankets and pillows from his arms. “But yeah…are you okay?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Maxine took a moment to think about that, then she put the blankets down on the floor and turned back to him, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Sam rested his chin on her head.

“What’s this for?” He asked.

“You looked like you needed it,” she said. “And I know I did.”

Sam held Maxine tighter. He did need it.

She pulled away. “Okay, sleep, please.”

It barely took a few moments for them to make a rather comfy looking bed on the floor and a very cosy looking Five on the camp bed.

Sam was scared he would end up tossing and turning for ages, trying to force sleep to come, but once he lay down between Five on the bed and Maxine on the floor next to him, Sam was out like a light.

It had been a long fucking day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it... Season one is written, I hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to moving onto season 2 with me.  
> As always I will put in spoiler warnings at the start of each chapter. Season 2 is my second favourite season (behind 3) so I am so excited to write it, it has so much good stuff to work with.  
> Next chapter should hopefully be up on Thursday!


	13. When the dark clouds role

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after S2M1 but before S2M2
> 
> Content Warnings: Violence, bruising, anxiety, PTSD symptoms

Five picked at the scab on her forehead, waiting for the New Canton guards to do bite checks. It was going to make the scar worse if she kept fussing with it, but really Five had gotten far beyond caring about scars. What was one more?

She'd gotten rather used to watching people’s eyes flick to the one on her jaw, now she had the joy of watching the eyes flick all over her face, unsure where to look.

The gate closed behind her, locking into place. Five could feel the guns trailed on her back from the guards in the watchtower above. She readjusted her glasses.

It took a while before an oily faced man stepped forward. He looked about as excited to be here as she was. Bored out of his goddamn mind.

The man adjusted his rifle strap and puffed himself up to his full height. Did Five intimidate him? God she hoped so.

“You’re the one that don’t speak, right?” he said nonchalantly.

Five glared at him.

The man hummed. “All right then,” he reached sharply for the hem of her jacket.

Five leapt back.

This pissed him off. He stared at someone behind Five and pulled a face. Like a _is she really doing this_ face.

“How am I supposed to check for bites if-,” he balled his fist for a second. “Just stay still and it’ll be over.” He grabbed Five hips.

There was a click, a sudden shock, like a jolt of nausea. Five felt so very repulsed. She gritted her teeth, trying to bear it. He was close, too close, his breath was hot on her cheeks, it smelt like old coffee and cheap gum. She could see the lines of his neck, the way his throat worked, the place she would have to thrust a knife to keep him down, where she would have to press to crush his airways.

Too close, too close, too fucking close.

Five held her breath to stop breathing in his smell.

Bite checks hadn’t been this handsy before…had they? She couldn’t remember, in fact Five was struggling to remember anything right now. Her brain was buzzing, a haze of scrambled thoughts and words and too close too close too close.

His hands felt around her legs, patting each one down, checking for rips or wounds, they patted back up to her hips and slid under the line of her shirt, pressing to her waist, to her side, to her scar.

Five decked him across the temple.

He didn’t get up.

A click of weapons readied around her. “What the fuck lady!” someone called.

Oily rolled around, gripping his face.

Something hard pressed into the small of her back. “Stay fucking still,” the man behind her said. “Dave, check her out, now.”

Another man, presumably Dave, lowered his weapon. He hesitated for a second then continued Oily’s work.

Five closed her eyes, grit her teeth and tried not to scream.

“She’s clean,” Dave said.

Five opened her eyes.

The voice behind her chuckled. “Now was that so hard, sweetheart?”

Five went feral.

* * *

 _“Do you really have to go around and antagonise the people I am trying to make an alliance with, I thought Sara taught you better than this. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you didn’t like being around others.”_ The Major had said when chewing out Five for her little courtyard incident.

It wasn’t that Five didn’t like being around people, she just didn’t enjoy people.

The press of them, the breathing, the air, the shifting of weight and long drawn-out pauses.

Five didn’t dislike people, they just made her anxious.

_“I understand this is a tough time for you, but would it hurt for you to be a little more hospitable to the people who saved your life.”_

Before, when Five used to go for walks, she would find herself getting irrationally annoyed at other people out for walks at the same time as her. Don’t they know this is her pensive walking time? Really! The cheek on some people.

_“You know I had to convince them to not throw you out, they have a strict no-tolerance policy when it comes to this sort of stuff, and don’t think I don’t know about the rec room incident, you runners didn’t cover that up as well as you thought.”_

Other people made Five nervous, not because she cared about what they thought of her, she often didn’t care, but because they made her feel grim. Other people were an anomaly she couldn’t account for, a variable she had absolutely no control over. And oftentimes, other people just did not give a shit about her, or actively found ways to spite her.

_“We can’t let this go unpunished, I know you were looking forward to returning to Abel tomorrow, but New Canton has requested you work with them until they think you have paid off the medicine required to fix up those three gentlemen.”_

Five used to imagine being alone in the world, that it was just her and nature and nothing else. It wasn’t that she wanted to be lonely, it’s just she had yet to find another person who made her feel as peaceful as she was when she was alone. Being alone was something she could control, Five liked control, she did not like when it was taken away from her. And because of that, she was lonely.

_“They will also be reducing your leisure time, instead you will be on cleaning detail, is that understood?”_

It wasn’t that Five didn’t like people, just that people didn’t tend to realise just how distracting they could be.

School trips were the worse, the hundred or so sweaty acne-prone teenagers crammed into one small coach, all screaming over each other to be heard, desperate for attention. Five would give anything to curl up in the back seat with her headphones on and let herself enjoy the pleasure of being able to think undisturbed in a moving vehicle.

But there was always distractions and announcements and water bottles being thrown around and friends who don’t understand that her not wanting to talk was not her being rude or upset, she just found the constant information of noise and visuals exhausting sometimes.

Five rolled over in her bed, staring at the Jody shaped mass in the dark on the bed next to hers.

What she hated most was the bedrooms on school trips. What better way to get Five feeling nervous than to put her in a room with twenty other people, turn the lights off and tell her to sit in silence.

She could hear every breath, every toss of an arm or shift of a leg. Every fart and cough and sniff and snore and swallow and rumble and Five just couldn’t handle it.

It was too much, it was too much.

And even if she could sleep, why would she want to put herself in the most vulnerable state a human could be in in a room of strangers. Especially with the nightmares. There was no control in that.

This was a sentiment Five apparently didn’t grow out of, she hadn’t had a full night sleep since the first night in New Canton, and really, passing out due to a concussion wasn’t exactly a restful kip.

But she just couldn’t do it, with nearly all the Abel refugees in just one room with her, Five couldn’t sleep. And when she did, she didn’t sleep well.

Five sat up, rubbing her face, swinging her legs off the creaking camp bed.

Even though the tents in Abel weren’t separate rooms, the dividers at least did some measure of helping her feel less pressed upon. But this…this was Five's personal idea of hell.

She pulled on her socks and left, closing the door as quietly as she could. She sat, leaning against the wall to the billet, the serrated metal cold and digging into her back, perfect for keeping her awake.

Her breath trailed up in heavy plumes. February was soon upon them and Five was a little worried about snow during the rebuilding of Abel. Not that she was going to be there personally, she had no idea how long New Canton was going to keep her for her little mishap.

She wondered vaguely if the punishment would have been worse if Simon didn’t help to cover up her first fight. She knew she should feel bad for getting so violent, but really, she just felt regretful she didn’t hit the assholes harder.

_When did I get so angry?_

No.

It wasn’t anger…anger was too visceral, Five felt far too numb for it to be anger…she just didn’t know what it was.

Five held up her hands, stretching them out, looking at the damage, she blamed the cold for the reason they were trembling.

She wouldn’t admit it, but those fights did hurt, her ribs ached when she breathed, and her jaw was constantly throbbing. She just didn’t really have anyone to check it.

Maxine had already gone back to Abel with Janine to start building up the hospital and lab first, and Five didn’t reckon the New Canton doctors would take kindly to her showing up after she already wasted their supplies.

She rolled up her sleeves and looked at the finger-shaped bruises on her forearms where the guards had held her down. God…Five hadn’t felt so cornered as she did then, not even during the horde, not even when Sara-

The door to the billet creaked open, a tall shape blocking the lamplight from above the billet door.

“Five?”

Did that boy have a sadness detector or something?

Five went to roll down her sleeves, but realised it was a little redundant, he was already staring at them. She let her arms drop to her side.

Sam pulled his blanket tighter around him. “I uh…I heard about that. Another fight?”

Five nodded.

He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up more than it already was. Five was struck again with the notion of just how much she enjoyed looking at his hair, in fact, she rather just enjoyed looking at him.

She turned away.

Sam closed the door and sat down next to her.

“I had a bad dream again,” he said without prompting, staring off at the other billets in this section. “They’re starting to have zombies in them.” He laughed humourlessly. “So, I guess my brain finally got the message that being late for exams and forgetting my sisters’ piano concert are not really my biggest concern.”

Five sniffed, unsure what to say.

“What about you?” He gave her an appraising look, leaning forward into her line of sight. He smirked. “Oh, I forget, you have to actually sleep to dream”

Five scowled at him. She wasn’t sure if she was happy or sad her glares no longer worked on him.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” Sam pressed, not in the least bit bothered by her attempt to scare him off. “It’s not like I won’t understand.” When Five didn’t do anything, he pressed. “I want to help. You’re my friend.”

Five studied his face. Did he really? Did he actually want to help?

Sam was good, he did good and kind things, that was a fact, it would make sense for Sam to want to help. She just couldn’t force herself to believe it though.

Besides, he had a million and one other things to deal with. Unlike her, Sam was actually grieving the dead, and Five didn’t want to impose on that. He needed time, Five would take away from that.

She shook her head.

Not the answer he wanted. Sam took a long breath. “Okay…I won’t force you.” His eyes flicked to her arm. “May I have a look?”

Five didn’t see any reason for him not too, it’s not like he didn’t already see. She raised her arm.

He held it gently, shifting so he could rest it on his knee, turning it over like he was holding something far more fragile and important than Five.

"God you're freezing," he mumbled to himself.

His touch was soft, but it still made her anxious, she wanted to try though. To push through. Sam was physically affectionate, any dumbass could see that a mile off, Five didn’t want to repress his need for it. Sure, it made her uncomfortable, but it set Sam at ease and Five was quickly learning she would do a lot of things for Sam she wouldn’t do for others. Truthfully it wasn’t an _uncomfortable_ she disliked, like when the guards grabbed at her, she just wasn’t used to it.

She was slowly starting to get used to it. It was nice.

He didn’t say anything, instead just inspected the bruises along her knuckles, turning her hand against the small light of the lamp above the billet door, holding it up to his face. He frowned then turned his attention to the bruising on her arm. His fingers trailed over the old green ones from the explosion, then lightly pressed on the vivid red hand-shaped bruise.

Five hissed, fighting the urge to kick him off and pull her arm to her chest.

He let go, shifting onto his knees reaching up and motioning to hold her chin, waiting for a response.

Five shrugged by way of answer.

His hands were warm, how was he always so warm?

He gently turned her chin, tutting a little. “They got you good on this one,” his voice was quiet and soft. “It’s really red, that’s gonna go black.” Five felt his thumb brush up the side of her jaw. He sighed and turned her chin to look back at him, his breath light on her skin.

Five never really noticed his eye colour before, eye contact was another thing on the list of things that made her uncomfortable about other people.

In the amber glow of the light, it was a warm brown, almost copper, a deep shade, rich and comforting. He had a small spray of freckles across his nose, some dotted on the space around his eyes. They weren't as blotchy and violent as Five thought her own freckles were, his were light, the phrase sunkissed came to mind. And there...a tiny scar by his lip.

Sam swallowed, cleared his throat and let go, sitting back down next to her. “I hope they look worse than you do.”

Right yeah, she made it weird by staring at him.

Five chuckled, trying to break the tension. “It’s me.” She signed.

He cleared his throat again. “Yeah!” he paused. “Yeah, I…um…I really shouldn’t doubt you when it comes to these things.” He cocked his head. “Not that that’s me saying you should go around punching people, you shouldn’t, but I don’t doubt you can’t, like you can punch all the people you like, but don’t, you know?”

Five shook her head. She didn’t know.

He shifted awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean to say – meant to – I _meant_ to say, that-,” he trailed off, dropping his hand’s in his lap. “Please stop getting yourself hurt, my heart can only take so much.”

Five dramatically raised a hand to her head, using her other hand to grip her chest. A _woe is me_ like gesture.

“Oh, stop it, no stop, stop teasing me okay, I’m allowed to worry about you,” he said.

Five gently kicked him with her foot and scrunched her nose at him.

He folded his arms in a sulk. “One day you’re gonna pull that face and get stuck looking like that,” Sam said. “And I will be there to laugh the entire time.”

Five pouted.

“I will,” Sam said. “No sympathy from Sam, none at all.”

She shrugged, fidgeting a little then settling. When she looked up Sam was staring at her, a small smile on his lips.

“What?” She signed suspiciously, squinting in the lamplight.

He didn’t respond for a moment, then his smile dropped. “I’m sad you’re not coming back to Abel with me tomorrow,” he said, solemn now. “Why’d you do it, we could have gone home together?”

Five ran over her reasons in her head. That she didn’t like the way they touched her? That was true, but she’d had the bite checks like this before and she dealt with it then. Sure, they were a little more handsy than usual, but she felt like she was just looking for an excuse now that she looked back on it. She went into bite checks in a bad mood. And the guy she first had a fight with a week ago didn’t even go near her until after she took the first swing.

He made some rude comments about Abel, but most of New Canton had, just because they were allies didn’t make them friends. If Five had punched every New Canton resident who talked shit about Abel she would have punched every New Canton resident.

Five didn’t know why, she just knew that when she took the first swipe, it was the only time in the past two weeks since the attack she felt like she was in control, that everything was moving at her speed again.

“I don’t know,” she signed.

Sam worked over that, nodding his head as he thought. Apparently, the answer was good enough for him because he moved on to say. “Do you mind if I sit out here with you until you go to bed?”

“I don’t want to sleep,” she signed, wishing she had more signs to better articulate that in truth, she just couldn’t.

He shrugged. “I don’t mind. As long as I can use your shoulder as a pillow, this wall is a little too painful for me, I'm not a glutton for self-punishment like some.”

It took a while for Five to figure out if she did mind.

She nodded, letting Sam scoot up next to her, wrapping them both in his blanket and resting his head on her shoulder. For a while, even after he drifted off, Five couldn’t get rid off the feeling it should hurt, it was going to hurt, or he would hurt.

Something about the whole situation had her freaking out, and she debated a few times shoving him off. But Sam was warm, and really, she did sort of like being this close, even if it sent her heart rate rising.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed and the next chapter should be up on Sunday xx  
> Stay safe out there!


	14. We can always fill our cups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to Season 2 M2

Abel was in shambles.

Even after the two week clean up there were still things completely torn apart. None of the tents survived. Apparently the first clean up crew found a few personal items amongst the rubble, but Sam had yet to go through the boxes and claim what was his.

The hospital, thank god, had managed to stay standing but the new lab was down. Many of the buildings that were there before the outbreak like the farmhouse, the armoury and even Sam’s comm shack stayed up. Which was good news for Sam seeing as he didn’t have to stay in New Canton, bad news in that he was now permanently living in the comms shack.

There was no work or play distinction anymore.

When Sam wasn’t trying to get the comms back up and running with Janine pressing over his shoulder, he was spending most of his time picking up debris.

He often passed out as soon as his chores were done because honestly, picking up the pieces of your home after multiple explosive devices have detonated is exhausting work. He barely saw Maxine for more than five minutes at breakfast and dinner.

To say he was lonely was a little bit of an understatement. Sam was never afraid to cry, but still, he felt like he cried a lot during the first few nights back. And it wasn’t just the loneliness, it was the walking past Chris’ headset, Sara’s favourite spot to train with Five, Maggie’s hoodie left in the rec room where she tossed it before heading out to deal with the horde.

It was the notes left by Jack on the comm shack wall to tell Sam his music taste sucked, the haunted look in Eugene's eye when he tore it down.

Everything reminded him of someone missing, someone lost, someone not here.

He barely handled it with Alice, how was he supposed to cope with half the town gone?

After being back for a week, Sam finally found the time to head to the rec room and look through the personal possessions that had been found.

He scratched Bart's ears, the cat curled up by the dead fireplace. Bart, like most cats, took a lot more than a few explosions to put him down, he just kept on coming back. Sam was looking forward to breaking the news to Simon when comms came back online.

He pulled open the first box. Luckily Sam had kept most of his stuff in the shack, his green headphones from Five, his phone, and his journal all survived. Sam didn’t actually think it was much more than his clothes he was looking for.

Those he found easily enough, tucked in his backpack in the bottom of the first crate. He dug out Maggie and Chris’ items and moved them aside, not sure what to do with it. He didn’t remember what they did with Alice’s stuff, did they get rid of it before he had a chance to see it? They must have, whoever they were – probably Maxine and Jody.

Sam pulled open the second box. He froze. There, tucked into the corner between a backpack and a pair of boots, a teddy. A little singed, but a full intact teddy.

Sam picked it up, holding it under its arms in the air like a baby. He never did give it back to her after Christmas Eve. He meant to, but he’d forget, then wake up in the middle of the night and panic, looking for it and he decided to just keep it one more night. Did she never ask for it back because she knew, or did she think he claimed it?

Sam held it to his chest, squishing his face into its head. It still smelt like her. Like safety and calm and toothy smiles.

It’d only been a week, but you get used to having someone fill a space in your life.

There were a lot of empty spaces in Sam’s life now.

Sam put the teddy in his pack and left.

* * *

Archie picked up a snowdrop and handed it to Five.

Five frowned.

Archie smiled. “You look like you needed it, also it suits you, it’s a very pretty flower don’t you think, what’s it called do you know?”

Five shrugged, Archie didn’t know BSL and Five didn’t know the sign for it anyway, no point in making the conversation more awkward.

Archie tutted and tucked the flower into the lining of Five’s backpack. “There, what a cute little extra, makes you look far less stern. Has anyone told you that, that you look stern? Though I’m not sure stern is the right word, stoic…no, I’d say sad but I’m afraid you’ll punch me in the face.” She said, both a hint of a joke and seriousness in her tone.

Five played up the angry face.

This seemed to make Archie happier, she pointed at Five’s face. “It’s not stoic. It’s…I don’t know. Can I get back to you on that one?”

Five shrugged again.

“Great, good,” she turned to Evan’s feet poking out from under the wrecked car. “How’s it going there runner Seven?”

Evan grunted. “Good.” He ripped out something, chucking It out from under the car. “Not enjoying having to do all the work.”

“I would help, but you seem to be doing a very good job. I do know a few things about cars though, I guess I could try but-,”

“No, no you’re all right,” Evan said. “Five, you wanna do another perimeter check?”

“Oh yes, I will join you, come on runner Five.”

Five kicked Evan’s foot as she led Archie away, hearing a low chuckle under the car. She was about to draw her gun, but she ran out of ammo during the horde attack and New Canton had refused to give her anymore after her now three fights – news got around that she was the one who used Lem’s headset so a third fight was inevitable– therefore she was stuck with a blunt knife. She tossed it in her hand a few times and promptly dropped it.

“You’re not very good at that are you?” Archie said.

She felt her face warming. Five picked it up, setting off to run the perimeter around the car park.

Archie jogged beside her. “So, runner Five, do you remember when we first met, when we saved you from Van Ark, you were in a bit of a pickle weren’t you?”

Five nodded.

“I was running with another runner Five, though they have gone down to London, don’t know why. They were just as…stoic as you. Though they did talk. Why don’t you talk, talking is great, can you just not talk?”

How had the car's gotten so dirty in just a few months? She wiped the dust from the window, scoping out for supplies.

“So that’s a yes to not being able to talk?”

The silence was a good answer for that.

“Oh…have you always been like this?”

Five turned around, folded her arms and leaned back on the car, studying the woman. She was ten years older than Five, yet for some reason, she reminded Five of every little sister she ever met, including herself. Annoying.

Archie didn’t seem the least bit bothered by Five’s obvious coldness – and Five was deliberately laying it on thick – she just bounced on her feet, swinging her arms by her sides.

“So, when did you lose your voice? The start of the apocalypse, after it?”

Five worked her jaw.

“Well?”

She held up two fingers.

“The second one? So…you could talk before? That’s interesting, do you ever miss talking?”

_I miss being able to tell people to shut up_.

Archie motioned for them to keep walking. “That’s okay, runner Five, I can talk enough for the both of us.”

_Lucky me._

“It is very sad though, do you not miss being able to do things, like singing, I would miss singing if I lost my voice-,” Archie cut herself off. “Am I being rude?”

She didn’t think she needed to respond to give her the answer. She tried a car door, happy to find it open.

“So you know sign language?”

There were a lot of supplies in it, jackpot.

“I think I would like to learn, you know I like languages, I speak a few actually, and sign language seems very fun. I see you use it with runner Seven, do you think you could teach me?”

Five stuffed the supplies into her backpack, being careful not to lose the snowdrop.

“Well, could you?”

Five climbed out of the car. Archie was tugging at one of her braids as she waited for Five’s response. God, she was talkative, but she was the first person from New Canton who didn’t talk to her like she was something to either be feared or put down.

_What would Sam do?_

She nodded.

“Really?” Archie bounced. “Oh this will be so fun, I cannot wait to learn, so how do you say hello?”

Five waved.

“Oh…oh that’s it…that’s easy…and goodbye?”

Five waved again.

“That is going to confuse me…uh,” she looked over the car behind Five. “Uh I think we should head back to runner Seven, that really isn’t very good.”

Five followed her train of sight. A small pack was trailing towards them from the wheat field.

“And I was really hoping to have some time for lunch, I'm starving.”

* * *

“Do you know, I’ve never seen Abel before? It’s actually… it’s a bit of a mess. Do I mean ‘mess’? ‘Wreck’? ‘Hovel’. No, ‘hovel’ isn’t fair. ‘Shabby’,” Archie rambled.

Janine’s face turned into one of cool rage. “We’re rebuilding. As I’m sure you appreciate, it takes time.”

Archie must be the first person who saw Janine's glare and smiled at it. “Of course! It’s going to be lovely when you’ve done it up-,” she hesitated. “-possibly.” Five snorted. “Well, I must leave you here.”

“You could always stop for some tea,” Sam said.

Archie suddenly looked very nervous. “No, I… I must get back to New Canton for - reasons. Good reasons! Important reasons.” She started to jog off, waving at the both of them. “Bye-bye runner Seven! Bye-bye runner Five!”

Wait... Archie had missed lunch and was now going to do the run back to New Canton alone. FIve wouldn't have that. Five clapped her hands and Archie stopped, looking a little confused, barely catching the breakfast bar Five had tossed at her. Her smile widened, and she gave Five a thumbs up before jogging away. 

“And there she goes,” Sam said. “Okay, guys, just one last burst of speed and I’ll have you on the-,”

Sam cut off into static again and Five had a brief plummet of panic. Were they being attacked again?

“Sorry to interrupt, Five. Don’t react - the others can’t hear me.” The Major started.

_FIve, don't react, you are the_ saboteur. Five thought, smiling to herself at her little joke. 

Five braced herself for the ensuing chewing out about her most recent fight, which was definitely not her fault this time, five hadn’t even thrown the first punch this time.

“I wanted to give you a heads-up. Project Greenshoot.”

_Oh no._

“You haven’t heard much about it of late, but it hasn’t withered on the vine. We have plans. You’ll be part of them. First, we need intel on New Canton. Got to get their support locked down. Can’t say more right now, but keep your head down, and your eyes open. That’s it. No more fighting, that is an order, Five.” She cut off again.

Five would have found it funny how the Major was treating her like an actual conscripted soldier if it weren’t for the dread that had set a thick stone in the pit of her stomach.

What did they want her to do? Five wasn’t military, she wasn’t trained, greenshoot was just a resupply mission, what was with all the secrecy? In the mess of arriving at Abel and Van Ark and just general apocalypse life she forgot. She had forgotten all about this since Sara-

“That’s it, you’re right outside the gates! Come inside, guys. It’s good to have you home," Sam said.

Five stumbled through the gates. A numbness settling on her. Had she always been this cold?

What did they want her to do? She’d signed up for greenshoot to get away from the military life in Mullins, and now she was expected to follow orders with no explanation or reasoning like some common soldier.

Five wasn’t a soldier, she never was and never wanted to be. Taking orders blindly was not her thing, no matter how easy she found it. Trusting the secret decisions of people in power made her feel a little sick. She wanted reasons behind what she was doing, not just the choking chain of command forcing her into compliance.

If they didn’t tell her what greenshoot was, she was under no obligation to comply. They didn't control her. 

But still, Sara had-

“You okay there, kid?” Evan asked, patting her shoulder.

His eyes flick down to her hands. They were shaking.

She shoved them in her pockets and nodded.

He didn’t seem convinced. “Hey why don’t I take this,” he said, pointing at her pack. “And you go say hi to Sam for me?”

Five didn’t know why she suddenly felt very strange. She swallowed and nodded, taking off her bag, pawning it off to him. Something small and white fell on the floor as Evan carried it away.

Five picked up the snowdrop. Huh.

* * *

The equipment must be in better condition than he thought if it picked up Five and Sevens headsets before he thought they could. Maybe that would mean they could start missions again from Abel. That would be nice. He missed running missions. He missed talking to people.

Someone knocked on the door. “Come in.”

He spotted her yellow ribbon first.

“Five!” Sam shot out of his seat so fast he knocked his report papers all over the floor. She stared blankly at it. “Uhh, sorry you surprise-,” he paused, her hands were shaking as she twirled a small snowdrop between her fingers. “Are you okay?”

Five looked around the room wildly, then put the snowdrop down on the table.

“How are you?” She signed.

Sam hesitated. “I’m okay…are you?”

She bowed her head, nodding a few times but not in way of an answer.

“You did good today,” Sam said to try and break the silence. “I swear you get faster each run.”

She didn’t latch on to that, which was odd, Five usually at least got flustered when he complimented her, that or she would scowl playfully at him.

She swallowed, her hands tensing and relaxing. She had more bruising on her knuckles and jawline, fresher than the ones from the courtyard incident. Another fight. God. He considered bringing it up but didn’t want to make her feel cornered, so he filed it away under a different conversation.

“How are you feeling? About Eight?” She asked.

Sam was a little taken aback by the abruptness of the question. He fiddled with the hem of his hoodie. How did he feel? He never particularly liked Eight, she was mean and harsh and was the kind of person who told people to suck up their emotions and get on with it, a belief system Sam completely hated.

But she had been kind in her own way, and she spent a lot of time with Five. She left a hole. Not the hole Chris or Maggie or Jack left, but it was still there, still hollow, still hard to fill.

Sam planned his words carefully. “I’m sad she’s not here, she was a good runner and hardworking, and that she’s gone…it makes me sad to know we lost someone.” He nodded to himself. “Yeah, I’m sad.”

She searched his face for a while, brows furrowed.

“Why, how are you feeling?”

Five hugged herself, her expression so distant he wasn’t sure she knew she was doing it.

Sam shifted into her line of sight. “Five?”

She came back to herself and smiled gently at him and waved vaguely. Her _its nothing_ motion.

Sam sniffed. Okay, he knew he wasn’t going to get much more right now even if he pushed her.

“What’s the flower for?” he asked, changing the subject.

Her expression lit up at this. “Do you have a big book?”

Sam melted. “You want to press it?” He started looking through the manuals on the shelf.

Five nodded, picking up the flower and holding it to the light, smiling at it. Sam had to drag his eyes away from her face to get back to searching. He pulled out a large and heavy engineering textbook Jody had picked up that he hadn’t had the heart to tell her was a little useless and a spare leather-bound notebook. Sam had been planning to commandeer it for his new journal but decided he didn’t mind giving it to Five instead.

He slammed it down on the table. “Will this do?”

Five nodded, flicking to the back page and laying out the flower with practised hands.

“You did this before?”

She nodded, still smiling to herself as she made sure the flower was properly positioned, then slowly closing the book over it.

She pointed at the journal next to it. “What’s this?”

Sam picked it up and leaned back on the desk. “A gift.”

She raised a brow and mouthed _a gift_ back.

“Well, you’ll need to store the flowers somewhere,” he handed it to her. “Think of it as a really late birthday present. Or early, depending on when your birthday is…when is it, by the way, gotta be in the next six months like mine.”

“Yours?”

“March fifteenth… I know, beware the ides of March and all that,” he said, putting a voice on. She giggled. Sam took a moment to enjoy the noise. “So, spill, when’s the birthday, let me guess, you’re a summer baby?”

She looked at the books. “Can I-,” she lowered her hands, biting her lip. “I don’t know the sign.”

Sam pulled out the notebook and pen from his pocket he always kept by habit.

She wrote. _Can I leave them here, not much space in New Canton?_

Sam didn’t miss her poor deflection. “Sure, I’ll keep them safe for you don’t you worry.”

She smiled, lowered the notebook and looked around nervously again.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, knowing the answer was no but wanting to give her the opportunity to tell him anyway.

She plastered on a fake smile that was eerily similar to her real one. Sam was suddenly struck with the idea that she may have been faking them the entire time. _It was in the eyes,_ he thought, _it doesn’t meet her eyes._

She nodded.

He took a moment to consider his next move. He only had a few hours with Five until she had to return to New Canton, and he knew it was selfish, but he wanted to spend it with her, if he pushed, she would isolate herself, and those hours would be wasted.

Sam let it go for now. He wouldn’t let it go again, he promised himself.

“Come on, let’s go find Maxine, she’s been in dire need of some good company.”


	15. An oncoming storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Season 2 M4  
> Content warnings: Violence, guns violence, panic attack, self-harm (not graphic or intentional), grief, PTSD
> 
> This chapter does feature a character causing injury to themselves. The injury was not intentional by way of deliberate self-harm, but nonetheless it still occurs and therefore I have decided to put an extra warning in about it as I am aware how triggering it can be to read about it. It's only a few lines but if you wish to skip over this chapter then I'll put a summary at the end in the notes of what happened. (Might start doing this in general just in case, Idk)
> 
> Please take care of yourselves and stay safe out there!

Five was rather proud of herself for not getting in any more fights these past two weeks. Not when the New Canton lot made sure her cleaning detail was the worst. Not when all the runners but her went back home last week leaving her entirely alone with no one who could speak sign language because the Major wanted her to stay and do whatever it is the Major wanted her to do.

Follow orders without question apparently.

She didn’t start a fight when she got moved to the seven in the morning runs and then put on late-night cleaning detail, meaning she was missing most of her meals and so had to spend most of her time on runs looking for food then getting in trouble for not bringing back many supplies. Not even when Oily decided to hide her backpack this morning on top of the sewage system and she had to clamber over the foul-smelling pipes.

Five hadn’t thrown a punch once.

She knew she couldn’t be bitter about what they were doing. She had come in, eaten their food, used their medicine, let them think their friend was alive, and attacked their soldiers, if anything, she should be grateful it was all harmless. Mostly.

She knew that logically, but emotionally Five felt a little too frayed. Like she’d taken about six of those pills Sara had given her before she-

Barely sleeping, eating, or even just thinking beyond survival had Five feeling a little too much like she felt when the outbreak first started. Throw in a few life or death situations, a horde or two, and some existential dread and Five was well on her way to a sure-fire reproduction of the first few months of the apocalypse.

She shook out the nervous twitch starting in her hand, forcing herself to head towards the dodgy looking arcade whilst Nadia threw more shade her way.

“‘From each according to her ability, to each according to her needs.’ You ever heard that?”

Five had. It’s what Karl Marx used to say.

“It’s what Karl Marx used to say.”

_Really?_

“Funny, that stuff wasn’t too popular before Day Zero, was it? Collectivism, socialism. They were about as fashionable as bell bottoms and digital watches. But suddenly it all makes sense.” Nadia snorted. “Not digital watches, obviously. Those will always be stupid. But pulling together, looking out for each other. If we can’t do that, there’s no hope for us. That’s what New Canton’s all about.”

 _You know, she’s not wrong._ Five thought bitterly. If there was one thing New Canton thrived in, it was the collectivism. It was a sentiment Five would like to get behind. There was a serenity in community, even if community made Five nervous. Really damn nervous. She didn’t know where her place was in it.

“Lem understood that. You remember Lem, New Canton runner?”

Five grit her teeth, scrambling up a bank past the arcade.

“He died, you took his headset, pretended to be him. Made me think he was still alive.”

 _I’d do it again._ Her acting like Lem was what stopped the original raid on Abel.

“Lem never saw a problem he didn’t try to solve. He just couldn’t leave it to someone else. It wasn’t in his nature.”

_Sounds like Lem would have been a very tired man._

_“_ See, that’s how we met. I’d heard about New Canton, used the last of the petrol to head down here. Only my van broke down, right in the middle of a horde of zombs. I hid in the back, locked the door, and waited for them to tear through the metal. I’d seen it happen enough times. Then the get through. No one was going to rescue me, were they? It was suicide. Didn’t stop Lem. He’d seen me lock myself in the back. Came along, cool as a cucumber. Led all those zombs away.”

_Damn…Nadia needs to talk to a therapist._

“I was hysterical by then.” She continued, filling the droning silence whilst Five leapt over a fence and started into the industrial centre. “I’m not a panicker, not usually. But that - hearing them out there, banging on the van. Not being able to see, knowing there was nothing I could do, not even a gun so I could take the easy way out. Until I heard Lem’s voice, I thought I was going to die there. I was smitten right there, practically threw myself at him.”

_How romantic._

In other circumstances Five would be feeling sympathetic, in fact, she’d be feeling terrible – _actually_ she was feeling terrible – wait. Five wasn’t sure how she was feeling.

Sick? Tired? Exhausted? All three.

Definitely all three.

“But you know what? He kept his distance for months. Said I was just grateful, I shouldn’t confuse it for real feelings, and he wasn’t going to take advantage. That’s the kind of guy he was.”

_That really shouldn’t be where the bar is._

Okay yeah, she wasn’t in a great mood. _Maybe I need to see a therapist._

Five laughed at her own joke.

Nadia did not like that. She made an offended noise. “And now he’s dead.”

 _Not the best time to go a little manic there, Five._ She thumbed her temple, when had that headache started?

“And for weeks and weeks, you let me think he was still alive, running around wearing his headset like it was a joke.” Nadia’s voice dripped with ice, a cold venom of sincerity, she genuinely believed Five had done it for a laugh. “And you are alive, Runner Five.” _I am._ “You’re still alive, and I just can’t figure out how that’s fair.”

Five stopped.

Why was she still alive?

Nadia was right, it wasn’t fair that she was still here when so many good people had gone.

How had she not realised that sooner. Was it selfish? That Five had been going around this whole time not feeling anything about anyone’s deaths not realising they were all worth twenty of her.

She was still alive, and it wasn’t fair.

Moving again hurt. A part of her just wanted to lay down on the ground and stop.

“Well, this is the industrial park now. Head for that big brown building with the skylights. The crisp factory is to the left.”

Five tightened her backpack and started to her left, peaking through a window into one of the factories.

Her headset crackled.

“Five!” _Sam?_ “I can see you on my cameras, what the hell are you doing there?”

She was following orders was what she was doing. Following orders blindly. Just as she was expected to.

“Never mind, never mind, just get out, no time for talking - run!”

Five blinked unsure what got him so panicked, she didn’t see any danger that-

A bullet ricocheted off the window frame just by her head. She dove. A spray of bullets cracked the glass, bruises screaming at the plummet to the floor.

Five pushed up to her feet and sprinted further into the factory district. Bullets struck the ground she just lay, gravel spraying up and striking her legs.

“In case you didn’t know, Five, those guys shooting at you…yeah they are the dedlocks. Shit sniper to your left.”

Five rolled backwards over her bad shoulder, the bullet lodging in the dirt. Five broke into another dead sprint.

“Now come to think of it, you haven’t met the dedlocks have you, Five?”

_Yeah no shit._

“Well yeah, that’s because Abel always keeps its runners clear of them.”

Sam was trying to keep calm, she could hear it in his voice, it kept breaking every few words, whatever layer of still he had was very quickly cracking.

“Everyone knows to steer clear of dedlocks, and that they’ve been moving east, into the factory district. Isn’t that right Nadia?”

Yellow figures popped up on the top of each serrated building, barrels of heavy rifles glinting against the overcast sky. Five leapt over a trap of barbed wire. They deliberately cleared the steet of cars to make wanderers an easy target. She could smash a window and hide, but the time it took her to do so was time she didn’t have.

“No!” Nadia started. Five felt a bullet graze her backpack, knocking her sideways into a wall, she jumped back, three strikes to the ground by her feet. “Of course I didn’t know that, how could I?”

“Don’t lie to me!” Sam yelled.

Five swallowed, sprinting into the centre of the street. He was panicking, it was worse than she thought.

"Pin the little shit down!" a voice cried.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Intel about the factories went out on RoffleNet a week ago!” Sam continued.

Five veered around a corner into a small alley trailing around the larger buildings. Yellow shapes loomed above her.

“We’re supposed to protect the runners, that’s our job! You sent Five here to die!”

_Sam, you’re not helping._

“What if I did? You shouldn’t have let me think Lem was still alive.”

The alley broke into another large street running parallel to the first. Five nearly tripped getting to it.

“She’s over here.” Someone called.

“Grow up!” Sam said. “We’ve all lost someone, everyone has! That’s the – that’s the world now, that’s just the way it is. What gives you the right to –,” Five leapt over a fence, metal striking the wood next to her hand.

Too close.

“-Dammit, I’m losing sight of you Five, but they’re all around. See that building straight ahead, the one with all the broken windows. Go inside, it’s the only chance.”

Five darted for the window, not bothering to zigzag her running anymore.

Five grit her teeth and leapt through, the glass sliced her hands and cut sharp across her shoulder.

She went sprawling. Prone.

Five couldn’t breathe.

Oh god, She couldn’t breathe.

Dragging air into her lungs felt like sucking gravel through a straw.

She pulled up onto her feet and stumbled deeper into the factory, numbly closing a heavy door behind her and shoving a vending machine next to it over, the effort knocking her back a few paces.

She couldn’t breathe, she had to have been hurt.

Five pulled off her pack and checked herself over. She was injured, she had to be injured, that’s why she couldn’t breathe. Something struck her lungs, she’d been shot, and now she was dying and…

Five sunk to her knees, not sure she could hold herself up, padding with shaky bloody hands around her chest, checking the lines of her ribs, her spine, her neck.

Nothing, no wounds, no wounds.

So why couldn’t she breathe?

Five gasped, clawing at her throat, something was wrong, she just hadn’t found it yet. It was getting harder to look, her vision was fuzzy. What was buzzing?

“Runner Five? Runner Five, can you hear me? Look, I was just playing a little joke on you,” Nadia started.

Five continued to claw at her neck. There was something so so very wrong. The sounds her throat were making made her ill.

“Haha, you’re dead, Runner Five!” Sam said sarcastically.

Five put her hands over her ears. Wrong, wrong, wrong, she wasn’t dead and it wasn’t fair and fair and wrong.

“Very funny…not. Not Funny, not a joke!” Sam sighed.

She curled in tighter to herself, still unable to get her throat to work.

“Just listen to my voice, Five.”

Five found herself nodding.

“Maybe it got a little out of hand, but I wasn’t trying to…I just wanted you to see what it was like. To not be able to trust what I saw or heard. You used that against me.”

Alive…that’s what she was, alive and it wasn’t fair.

“Five, I’ve got no cameras inside. If you can hear me, then well, you know, let me know,” Sam paused. Five groaned, pressing her head into her knees. “No, I guess not.”

“That last sniper shot-,”

“Five is fine!” Sam snapped. “The building must be…blocking the broadcast.”

Silence.

Five was tempted to make herself vomit, see if that helped to get her throat working again.

_Calm and collected._

Five dug her nails into her skull.

Come on. Calm and collected.

She was panicking, that’s what was happening. But Five never panicked on a mission. Five never freaked out. Five was Five, Five was trained by Sara. If you could call getting beat up by her on a regular basis training.

Nadia and Sam kept on talking, a hum of voices.

Five dulled them out.

Calm and collected

That’s what Sara had said, and Sara had never panicked, Sara would be so ashamed of her right now.

God. Five must be a shameful sight to see.

_You can breathe, you can move, you’re okay._

Five managed a breath, throat wheezy and lodged, but able to work.

Okay, the first point, she needed to get out of there, she could deal with everything else later. Bottle it, put it away, this is shit for another time.

“You never bother to ask did you?” Sam sneered, his voice coming back into clarity.

Five removed her hands from over her ears and sat up, taking another logged breath.

“You know what, I think you should just stop talking now. Five, if you can hear me, ignore Nadia, just head to the exit due north.”

Five grabbed her pack and stumbled towards it, tightening the straps as she walked.

Calm and collected.

She pushed on the door.

“Yes, Five, I see you!” He sighed. “Shit, you’re surrounded, just run!”

Five took a long breath, letting the numbness settle again, like waves, cold and chilling and repetitive and constant. She settled into it and sprinted.

* * *

Sam put down his headset. 

What was all this talk of ‘sleeping with Janine’ did Sam just have some terrible affliction that made him say whatever dumb shit come to mind when he was nervous.

It took a lot of effort on his part not to break into a full-on panic. He took a moment, flattening his hands on the table, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth the way mum had him do when he panicked as a kid. 

Long deliberate breaths, focusing on the feeling of breathing.

He’d never yelled like that before, and to be honest, he had been holding back, purely for Five’s sake, yelling down headsets tended to be distracting as he had learned.

What he would give to have a warm cup of tea and a hug right now. He wrung his hands out, breaking the stiffness in them. 

Five was okay, Five was back in Abel. He didn't need to panic anymore. 

Okay. 

Sam stood and headed for the hospital. 

* * *

“If I didn’t know any better, Five, I would say you had a death wish,” Maxine joked as she wrapped up Five’s cut hands. Five smiled lightly at that, looking a little better now she had showered and treated her wounds. Though not marginally. She still looked exhausted and sallow, she'd lost a lot of weight recently. He imagined at this point she was just running on fumes.

He felt like he was and he hadn’t been the one who nearly died. He had to keep his hands in his pockets to stop them shaking.

“You’re bloody lucky you didn’t get shot,” Maxine continued, turning over Five’s hand and knotting up the bandage.

She nearly did, her bag had a nasty hole through the side, if she had just been a little slower it would have hit her chest. 

“In Five’s defence, it wasn’t her fault,” Sam said from his perch on Maxine’s desk. 

Maxine hummed. “Yes, well, I don’t know if that just means you have a lot of bad luck or a lot of good.” She let go of Five’s hand then reached up and pulled Five’s chin up to properly look at the bruising on her jaw and the weird scratches around her neck. “And what are these from, the bruising is old, like a week old.”

Five had the sense to look ashamed.

“Five?” Maxine pushed. When Five didn’t move to sign a response Maxine turned to Sam. “Do you know?”

Sam waited for Five to give him a sign. She shrugged.

“Five’s been trying her hand at fighting,” Sam said.

Maxine snapped her head back to Five. “Fighting? Fighting who?”

“Some New Canton assholes,” Sam explained. “They had it coming.”

Five raised a brow at him.

Maxine groaned loudly. “Oh yes, what’s the best thing for someone who’s recently recovering from a concussion to do, get in a fight, jiggle that brain around some more, sounds like a great idea. I’m surprised you have any brain cells left, Five.”

Five bowed her head, but Maxine wasn’t done yet. “And these,” she said, pointing at the scratches on Five’s neck. “Was that from fighting too, cuz whoever did this to you was playing dirty,” Maxine paused, then smirked. “Wait… it’s not like a weird sex thing is it?”

Sam chocked. “What?”

She shrugged, playing up her expressions. “I don’t know, these are fresher than any of the other bruises, like last twenty-four hours, so it was a weirdly specific neck fight or…Five you’re shaking,”

She was. Oh god, she was trembling.

“I’m cold,” Five signed, though the signs were slow and sloppy. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“Sammy, there’s a box of blankets over there can you – thanks.”

Maxine took the quilt from him and wrapped it around Five’s shoulders. “Is that better?”

Five sniffed, and with shaky hands reached up and scratched absently at her throat as she nodded.

Maxine must have clocked it the same time Sam did. The look they shared couldn’t be anything else.

The scratch marks had lined up with Five’s fingers perfectly. She’d done it to herself, today.

Maxine’s teasing demeanour changed into something warmer.

“Sam, do you know where Five is sleeping?”

It took a while for him to get the words to work again. “Yeah, uh, yeah, um, Janine told me that since I brought Five in it’s my job to figure it out and well…I sleep on my chair a lot-,”

“I have told you countless times how bad for your back that it.”

“-And so Five can take my bed until we get the runner building sorted.”

“How long is left on that?”

“About a week, Jody and Simon have been working on it non-stop.”

Maxine turned back to Five. “That sound okay, staying in the comm shack with Sam for a week?”

Five swallowed, wrapping her arms around herself, she stared at Sam for a while, then relented and bowed her head with a shrug.

“Look I know I’m not the most appealing person to sleep with,” Sam paused, watching the ghost of a smirk pull on Five’s lips. “Wait…no that came out wrong, I mean, I don’t know about the sleeping with, like, um.” He took a breath. “I meant to say I get the hesitance, but I was gonna suggest we make a pillow fort or something, I still have some hot chocolate and I reckon we could get a movie or two out of that old laptop before it dies.”

Maxine pulled that weird face at him again. “Won’t Janine get mad you’re using the shack to make…pillow forts.”

Sam shrugged. “We’re not running missions for the next week whilst she rewires the electrics so the runner billets have power, so it’s essentially just a very full bedroom until then.”

“One week with Sam, are you sure you can handle it Five?”

Five grimaced.

“Rude,” Sam said.

She smiled.

“Well that’s settled then, I’ll sign you off duty for-,” Maxine paused, studying Five. “Two days, then get you on light detail back with me in the lab, I miss having you as an assistant. I want you to spend those first two days resting Five, is that understood?”

Five nodded, standing up and folding the quilt.

“Great, now get out of my sight and get some food before I find it in me to yell at you some more, go on now. Food, then bed.”

Five looked at Sam.

“I’ll meet you at the galley, just got some inventory stuff to do for a moment.”

She hesitated. “I can wait.”

“Runner Five, you will go and get some food now,” Maxine scolded.

Five held up her bandaged hands in mock surrender and left.

Sam picked at the hem of his hoodie, the silence falling on them too oppressive. "Say something."

Maxine sat down on the bed, she ran a hand over her hair and frowned. “I don’t know what to say, Sam.”

“You didn’t ask her about it,” Sam said.

Maxine laughed humourlessly. “Well she’s not exactly the most forthcoming about her emotions, asking her outright would just scare her off.”

“Why would she do it?” Sam said.

Maxine shrugged. “Nervous tick?”

“It’s not that.”

“No. It’s not that…she was too scared when I brought it up to be that. I just don't see a reason behind it,” she tapped her cheek. “And the fighting?”

Sam didn’t know the reason behind that either. “Simon said the first fight was because some guy said they should have left the rest of Abel to die in the horde like the scum we are.”

“And what? Five just hit him?”

“Apparently.”

“The other fights?”

Sam shrugged. “The second one happened the night before I left and she told me she didn’t know why she did it, which I do think she was being truthful about, I only know there was a third because she had new bruises.”

“It doesn’t make sense.” Maxine kept her face cool. “Five doesn’t have anger issues, she didn’t explode like this before the horde. Sure she’s stoic, a little ruthless at times, but she isn’t aggressive.”

Sam thought back to their conversation in the comm shack two weeks ago. “It’s Sara.”

Maxine looked surprised at that. “Sara? But Five and Sara weren’t exactly friends,” Maxine said. “If anything it would be Jack or Maggie.”

“No,” Sam said. “You can’t deny that Sara had a special interest in Five.”

“And how would that be making Five this aggro?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know, I just think the two things are related…somehow.”

Maxine nodded. “This is going to sound horrid, but maybe it’s for the best Sara…can’t…train Five anymore.”

Sam had been thinking the same thing. “Yeah, maybe.” He stretched his back out, clicking a few times. “Now she’s home with the rest of us I’ll bet she’ll even out again, back to regular old fun yet slightly odd Five, yeah?”

Maxine smiled at that. “Maybe now you can stop moping around too.”

Sam frowned. “I don’t mope. Since when did I mope?”

“Nothing, nothing,” she said with a smirk. “Ignore me. Go on and make sure she actually goes to bed.”

"And you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you actually going to go to bed tonight?"

Maxine hesitated, rubbing the back of her neck. "I...have a lot of work to do."

Sam sighed and squeezed Maxine's shoulder. "Please take care of yourself."

She patted Sam's hand. "I will." Sam didn't believe her. "Go on now, Sammy."

Sam left the hospital a little dejected at having two people not talk to him about how they were feeling. He was about to head the short distance to the galley when he saw Five sat on the bottom step to the hospital.

“Five, I said you didn’t need to wait."

“Sorry,” she signed.

“It’s okay, come on let’s get you some food.”

Five shook her head.

Sam panicked. “What is it?” Was she still hurt?

She looked anxiously around, picking at her hands.

“Five are you o-,”

Five wrapped her arms around his back, pressing herself into him. He was so taken aback by her initiating the hug that he didn’t have time to hug her back before she let go, shoved her hands into the pocket of her hoodie and nodded to herself, face growing red.

“What was that for?” He chuckled, feeling something warm grow inside his chest

“Thank you.” She signed quickly, hiding her hands again, turning on her heel and charging towards the galley.

Sam watched the back of her head, beaming like an idiot.

 _She hugged me._ He thought, jogging after her. _She hugged me._

The galley was a short-lived trip. Five nearly nodded off into her stew barely two minutes after sitting down. He had to keep hitting her leg with his thigh to keep her awake enough to have a few mouthfuls before he decided it was a lost cause and bed was probably the only logical course of action.

He packed up their food, thanked the cooks and prompted Five to follow him to the shack. 

The door crashed open. "Welcome to the humble abode!" he announced, now a little embarrassed with how messy it actually was. Funny how you never noticed your own mess until someone else was seeing it. 

Five didn't seem to care. He barely gestured to the bed before she flopped down onto in and buried her face in his pillow.

“Okay Five, I get it you’re tired,” He chuckled, kneeling down to take off her shoes. She didn’t stir, only curling up into the second blanket when Sam tossed it over her.

She let out a sigh, deep and breathy, and stayed very still after that.

He stared at her for a second – seriously had she always looked so worn down? It was too deep to be from only today. Now she wasn't moving so much he could see the lines her fingers had left. Most weren't more than a red line, but a few had skin peeling away, one or two had drawn blood. 

It must have hurt, so why would she do it? Did she do it during the ambush? Maybe Maxine was right, maybe it was a nervous tick. A weird and worrying one. 

How on earth was he supposed to broach this in conversation? 

Sam rubbed a hand over his face, swallowed the weird fluttering feeling in his chest and left, being sure to close the door quietly, as much as he wanted to stay, he still had work to do. And still had to try and get his own thoughts into something coherent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah I posted two chapters in one day because I was too excited about this mission! Next chapter should hopefully be up on Tuesday! I hope you enjoyed xx
> 
> Summary:  
> Five runs the mission to the industrial park under Nadia's supervision. Five is a little under the weather and spends a lot of the time during Nadia's monologue making internal sarcastic jokes at Nadia's expense until Nadia brings up the fact that Five is still alive and she does not believe this is fair. This strikes Five hard.  
> As she enters the park, Sam comes online and informs Five this is a dangerous area before Five is promptly ambushed. During the run for her life, Nadia reveals that she wouldn't mind if Five died.  
> Five finds a hiding place and has a severe panic attack, thinking for a moment she had been injured and that's why she can't breathe, then thinking there must be something stuck in her throat. She manages to pull herself together and get back to Abel.  
> Maxine treats Five for her injuries and both Maxine and Sam are worried about Fives current habits, including her affinity for getting into fights and the strange scratch marks on her throat.  
> They decide that it might have something to do with Sara's death but are unsure what to do about it.  
> Sam takes Five to the shack and lets her crash on his bed.


	16. I didn't even know that I was lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after S2M4   
> No spoilers, however.

The camp bed shook, metal ringing as Sam whacked his head on the frame.

“Fuck!”

He sat up, rubbing the tender spot above his eye, skin still crawling with the sensation of cold clammy hands grabbing at his flesh. Tearing at it, pulling it apart.

A hand touched his hair. He freaked. Yelping, scrambling from his makeshift bed on the floor to the small space beneath the comms desk.

He waited to see the zombie whose hand grabbed at him, waited for it to drift out of the shadows and rip him art.

The figure moved in the dark, Sam pressed his head to his knees, knowing that curling up wouldn’t save him but unable to do much more.

The light switched on.

Sam closed his eyes shut.

Hands tapped at his arms.

He pulled away from them, trying to kick them off.

They tried tapping at him again and he whimpered.

“Sam, wake up!”

Sam’s head shot up. He didn’t recognise that voice, it was hoarse and stern, like gravel underfoot, but he knew the shape it came from.

Five was kneeling in front of him, bandaged hands raised, brows furrowed. Her hair was sticking up a little from how she had slept.

A hesitation, a self-affirming nod, she reached forward and held his shoulders, leaning into his line of sight, holding his gaze and smiled.

Like a crack, Sam shattered. He grabbed at her arm, keeping that support, that connection, struggling to swallow back tears.

“Five?”

She shifted closer, tightening her grip.

Sam pulled at her arms and hugged her, burying his face in her neck.

They stayed like that for a while, until Sam came back to his senses and realised what he was doing.

He sniffed, sitting back, letting her go.

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to-,” he scanned the room.

Her expression lightened. “It’s okay.” She signed as she sat back on her haunches. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Sam ignored her, getting up onto his knees, shuffling past her and pulling at the blankets on the bed, looking.

He heard her turn around behind him, but Sam was too busy searching. He was starting to panic when he couldn’t find it. What if he lost it, what if he could never find it again?

There!

He pulled the teddy out from the space between the bed and the wall and sat back down on the pile of blankets on the floor, gripping it to his chest.

Five blinked at him.

“What?” Her eyes made him squirm.

She pointed at the teddy. “That’s mine.”

He must have still been half asleep, he hadn’t even considered that.

“Sorry do you-,”

“Why do you have it?”

Why did he have it?

He patted down its head, flattening its ears. Sam felt his ears warm, it was a little embarrassing, wasn't it? He was a grown-ass man who needed to hold a teddy because he had bad dreams. But then again, Five had given it to him for that purpose in the first place. “I don’t know, just something to hold, I guess.” He felt a bit like a kid playing finders keepers, he knew it was hers, but a part of him had claimed it. “Do you want it back?”

Could she tell he was apprehensive, he wasn’t doing a good job of hiding it?

Five stared at it for a long time, her jaw tensed. She shook her head. “It’s yours.”

“Oh,” that was unexpected. “Thank you.”

“What did you dream about?” She settled down on the floor next to him, leaning against the bed. 

Sam fussed with his hair. “Just my dead girlfriend and parents trying to tear me apart. The usual fun jolly stuff.”

That earned him a glare. “It’s not a joke.”

“I’m not laughing.”

She shook out her hands a few times, lowered them and nodded to herself. “Don’t be sad, you’re so sexy,” she finger spelt the last word.

Sam snorted, the corners of his lips tugging a little. “Now who’s making it a joke.”

"At least I got you to smile."

A silence. The wind battered against the metal frame of the comms shack. He had gotten so used to it, but now it was too much. Too much noise. He just wanted peace.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” she signed.

Sam wasn’t sure what response to give that, so he just let it sit.

She tapped her forehead. “That’s very red.”

He rubbed the sore spot. “Felt left out, thought I’d get in on the concussion bandwagon.”

She laughed. “Not as fun as you would think they would be?”

“I think you’re the only one who thought they would be fun.”

The frame creaked.

“It’s funny,” Sam started, talking over the howl of the wind. “She’s been dead longer than I knew her…I only realised that last week.”

Five shifted, turning more towards him.

“And looking back, it wasn’t really more than a series of, like, really emotional hook-ups, I mean, come on... three months, in the scheme of dating that’s barely anything. And like, we didn’t know much more about each other, other than the regular stuff. Family, jobs, hobbies.”

The stuff he still didn’t know about Five after five months.

“But she hurts, not as much as mum and dad, but more than like Maggie, Chris, and Jack. And I can’t understand why. I knew so much more about Maggie, spent more time with Jack than I ever did with Alice. But Alice hurts more.”

His grip on the teddy tightened.

Five sniffed. “Everything was big at the start, we all thought we would die, so it’s normal for you to feel more-,” she searched for the word “-more, about her.”

“It just sucks.” He announced. “Everything bloody sucks.”

“I know.” She nudged him with her elbow. “Sucks a little less with you around.”

“I think that’s the sappiest thing you ever said to me,” he teased, revelling in the compliment. He made it suck less. That was good.

Sam paused.

_Sam, wake up!_

The hoarse words, a voice unused, something dying and quiet, and panicked.

“Wait…you spoke.”

Her expression shut down. “I was hoping you didn’t notice.”

“ _Can_ you talk?” he asked.

Five looked hurt, like he just blamed her for faking it or something. He began to backtrack. “I don’t mean…I just thought you couldn’t, can you try…maybe it’s gotten better!”

She still looked a little upset. He smiled at her, hoping it would calm her.

She swallowed. “I can try.”

He nodded.

Five opened her mouth, taking a long and deliberate exhale, balling up her fists.

Her throat worked, and she made a few chocking noises, occasionally the hint of a sound broke through. Her breathing became more erratic, more haggard. But she kept trying, working it through, taking long breaths before she would try and choke out a word. When she started to shake Sam decided it was enough.

He put a hand on her thigh. “Hey, you don’t need to try if it hurts.”

“Sorry,” she smiled sadly. “I think it was just a onetime thing.”

She seemed genuinely distressed she couldn’t do it.

He never even considered that it was upsetting for her. Five was always non-verbal for him, that was just how Five was. It was as commonplace as rain and zombies. Sam felt a little stupid for not realising, that for her, this was new, and she probably didn’t like it at all.

“Is it that it hurts too much, like, did you injure it or?”

Five scratched absently at her neck, and he wondered if the scratches had something to do with it. She shook her head. “No…it’s not physical, that’s what the doctors at Mullins told me.”

“When did you lose it? You’re voice I mean.”

She looked like she was debating if she should tell him. “A month after the outbreak.”

“You just, woke up unable to talk?”

She shook her head. “Something happened.”

“Can I ask what?”

“You can, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

Sam had promised himself he wouldn’t let it go.

“You can though, don’t feel like you can’t,” he waited. “Is it the same thing you get nightmares about?”

“Do you have to be so nosey?” she signed, almost too quickly for him to keep up, face a storm.

Sam tensed.

“Sorry…sorry, that was wrong of me,” Five started. “I know you mean well, I shouldn’t have-,” she shook out her hands again, her right hand doing the nervous tick it did a few times. “Yes, it is the same thing.”

_Ah_.

Five looked down at his hand on her thigh, he hadn’t even noticed he was rubbing his thumb back and forth.

She patted his hand a few times and moved away. An _I appreciate the gesture but it’s a bit much_ motion.

Sam went back to hugging the bear, proud she wasn’t tensing up anymore but still comfortable with setting boundaries.

“You don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, but you can, I want to listen,” he cocked his head. “You know that, right?”

“You’d listen to a tree if you thought you could help it with its emotional baggage.”

Sam chuckled. “Okay, that’s true, I just like to help.”

“Yes, it’s one of my favourite things about you.”

Sam latched onto that. “ _One_ of your favourites?” he teased. “So, you have a list?”

“Shut up.”

“Does the stoic runner Five keep a list of all the nice things about her lowly operator, tell me, what else is on that list?”

“Nothing, nothing at all. I hate you.”

“But you said-,”

“You misread my signs, I have nothing I like about you.”

“Oh my god, is _the_ runner Five actually allowing herself to have friends, perish the thought. PERISH the thought. Five is too badass to have-,”

Sam’s pillow hit him square in the face.

He laughed. “I’m runner Five, I like to act like the world pisses me off just by existing, and pick fights with random asshole men, but really I’m a huge softie that presses flowers and is actually really kind.”

“I’ll fight you.”

“Oh, please try, it’s not going to be hard to win a fight with someone who likes to skip like a fairy on their runs when they think no one is watching and nearly cried when Bart fell asleep on their lap.”

“Bart is very cute.”

“As are you!”

Five got flustered, bowing her head to hide her smile. Sam loved it when she did that.

She cleared her throat. “What time is it?”

“Just gone three.”

“Three? I’ve been asleep for nine hours?” She looked genuinely shocked. And so was he, Five usually slept for about five hours a night at most.

“Well, you were very tired,” he said. “Practically passed out once we made it here.”

She blushed. “I don’t really remember much after heading to the galley.”

“Wow…you really were tired.”

“Nearly dying will do that to you.”

_Yeah, please don’t do that again._

Five yawned, eyes growing heavy.

“Still tired?”

She nodded.

“How about we go back to bed?”

“A floor is not a bed.”

“A floor with blankets is,” he said, waiting for her to get back on the camp bed.

She hesitated. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

Sam was about to argue, but he really did like the idea of having a proper bed to sleep on. “You sure?”

She shrugged, beginning to make the blankets and pillow into something resembling a bed after Sam’s panic.

He turned off the light, stepped over her and lay down, wrapping himself in the blankets that smelled like her, pulling the teddy close to his chest.

He could tell she wasn’t asleep, she was far too tense to be sleeping, but Sam still felt safe watching her face for a bit, memorising the lines of its shape as he drifted off.

_Do you think Five is pretty?_

You know what. He actually did, he really, actually did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter today, sorry about that, I had a bit of a hectic few days! Next chapter should be up on Thursday xx


	17. Who says times are hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to S2 M10  
> Content Warning: Chicken explosions

“Chickens!” Archie announced

_Chickens?_

“Abel will be…Chickens? Is that some kind of tech jargon?”

Five laughed lightly to herself as Archie bolted after the chickens, arms outstretched, giggling maniacally.

“Look, she’s right!” Maxine started. “On our cams, just to the north of the repeater station. It looks like a small flock of chickens! It must have come from some farm.”

Archie crashed into the sea of chickens, the birds clucking unhappily, scrambling around trying to avoid her grabby hands. She looked very put out that they were faster than her.

“I am pretty sure that chickens produce eggs?” Sam said excitedly.

Archie swiped at one, it flapped away in a cloud of clucks and feathers. “And sometimes baby chickens!”

“Which makes more eggs?” Sam added.

“Your grasp of biology is really impressive,” Maxine mumbled.

“Come on, Runner Five, with me! After the chickens!”

Five shook her head.

“Look how fluffy and cute they are.”

“Chickens don’t have fur, Archie.” Five signed.

Archie squinted at the signs then dove for another poor bird. “But they are soft though,” she said.

After another failed attempt Archie decided to change up her tactics, she squatted like she could somehow sneak up on them, and started to prowl in a circle, taking long deliberate steps. “That’s okay, little chicken, we’re going to take you back to Abel and give you a nice life, with grain and things to peck.”

“At least until we roast you with a wild mushroom sauce,” Sam whispered.

 _Shut up, Sam_. Five tapped out.

Sam laughed.

Archie homed in on a chicken, eyes narrowing, face determined. Five had never seen Archie look so serious before. She even had her tongue stuck out a little at the effort of concentration.

Five wanted in. She slowly stepped up to the flock, making considerably less fuss amongst the birds than Archie did.

Archie dove for her prey, wrapping her arms around its body.

It flapped unhappily, screeching out. Archie attempted to shush it, but it freaked it out more, putting up a very valiant fight.

In the kafuffle, the other chickens started to scatter. Five leapt at one, pinning its wings to its side, now realising that maybe Archie wasn’t the only dumbass in the area.

“Put it under your arm, wings folded so it’s not uncomfortable,” Maxine said. Sam made an amused noise. “What? I grew up on a farm, okay?”

“I didn’t say anything,” Sam said.

“You didn’t have to say anything,” Maxine said.

Five sat, pinning the chicken between her legs, pulling off her pack and wrestling it inside. She was worried she hurt it, but once it settled in it looked rather happy. Could chickens look happy? Do chickens feel happiness?

Archie screeched in joy, a rather good imitation of the flock. “Oh, she’s so happy now!” Archie was also facing the complex theological question of chickens and happiness. “I’m going to give her a name.”

“Oh, don’t do that. We might want to, well, you know, eat it,” Sam said.

Archie ignored him. “I will call her Mildred! Or maybe Van de Graaff? Do you think she’s more of a Mildred or a Van de Graaff, Five?”

Five put her backpack back on, waving her hand behind her when the chicken pecked at her ribbon. “Both, both are good.” She pulled off the ribbon and wrapped it around her arm

“Yeah, okay. Uh, so, with the chicken under that arm, and Five’s chicken rather more sensibly nestled in a backpack, off to get that barbed wire now? To defend Abel against attack by zombies. You remember the zombies?” Sam snarked.

They returned to their actual work. Well Five did, Archie was having a considerably hard time keeping Mildred under control. Five kept tripping over her own feet watching the woman struggle to stroke the bird.

Valiant as the creature was, it tried for another escape, outwitting the dear Archie with a well-placed shit, forcing its assailant to drop it.

In its frenzy of freedom, Mildred made a run for it, flapping wildly through the air to avoid the swipe of Archie’s arms.

“Mildred Van de Graaff! You naughty girl, come here! No, don’t, don’t!” The bird saw its opening. “Don’t go through the fence! No!”

“The chicken has gone under the fence. I repeat: the chicken has gone under the fence,” Sam deadpanned.

Five snickered.

“Van de Graaff, come here!”

Who to route for? She liked Archie, but the bird was a warrior and a runner. Five felt a sense of comradery with a creature who runs from its problems.

“There’s a bit of fence over there where Runner Five’s unwound all the barbed wire,” Maxine announced. “You could climb over to get it, Archie."

“Yeah, where Runner Five has been unwinding the barbed wire,” Sam snarked again.

He was still warming up to Archie. Just under a week since Nadia tried to have her killed and Sam had made it his personal mission to hate everyone from New Canton. He was only civil to Archie as she had made a considerable effort to learn BSL without Five’s help.

“Okay, I’m going to climb over,” Archie said, scrambling up the fence. “Come here, Mildred Van de Graaff! There’s nothing for you in that transmission hut.”

Unable to get a grip, Archie was getting more annoyed, 

The chicken, drunk on freedom, waddled in wide circles, clucking it’s little heart out.

“When I just get over this fence, I’m going-,”

Mildred went up in a blaze of feathers and fire, Archie fell off the fence, landing hard on her back. 

“What?” Sam started.

Panicked, Five bolted to her, grabbing her arm, pulling her up.

“You hurt?”

Five started checking her over.

Archie shook her head. "I'm okay, Runner Five."

Five took a moment to calm her heart rate, keeping her grip on Archie’s arm as she reported. 

“Mildred Van de Graaff has exploded,” Archie said, straightening up, tucking loose some hair behind her ear. They shared a look, turning back to the place Mildred once occupied. “That was…that was something.”

Five let go of Archie, pressing her nose up to the fence, squinting to see what caused the hero’s death.

“So, what, we’re thinking - spontaneous chicken combustion? Chicken, uh, destruction rays from space?” Sam started.

There, tucked beneath clumps of grass, weird mechanical cylinders. Five pointed them out.

“Landmines,” Archie said.

Maxine huffed. “Yeah, I was pretty much thinking landmines.”

“Yeah, yeah, well, that was my first thought, too. We should send someone back to put up warning signs, in case anyone else thinks of scaling the fence,” Sam said.

 _That’s probably what the barbed wire was for._ Should she still be taking the wire?

“I’m sad. Mildred Van de Graaff is dead,” Archie pouted.

Five squeezed her shoulder.

“And she didn’t even end up a supper,” Sam said.

“Sam!” Maxine scolded.

Sam laughed to himself, getting that tone he got when he was about to make a shitty joke. “Listen, um, I didn’t make a joke about an egg-splosion, did I?” And there was the shitty joke. “Don’t say I’m not respectful.”

Maxine laughed. “Yeah, well, that’s a -poultry- excuse.”

Archie did not appreciate the chicken-themed puns. “I will miss Mildred Van de Graaff. She was so rebellious and naughty.”

Five didn’t really have a good way to respond, so she just patted Archie’s shoulder and gave her an attempt at a solemn expression. Archie seemed comforted by it. Small victories.

Archie turned back to the field. “Why would someone put landmines around this little hut in the middle of nowhere? Why have they not thought of chicken safety?”

Sam giggled to himself. “Yeah, it is a bit weird. Whoever designed the protection around this little comms hut did a… bang-up job?”

Five coughed to hide her laugh.

“Did you honestly just say that?” Maxine said.

“I think I did, yeah. I mean, I started, and I just couldn’t make it stop.”

“It is sad about Mildred,” Archie said, looking pensive, then, like a switch, her face lit up again. “But I will come back another day to find a new chicken. I will call it Hubert Vexillology. Or… no, that’s a silly idea. Hubert is a boy’s name. Instead… Ramona Newton!”

“For the first time, probably ever, I think I have nothing to say to that,” Sam said.

Five adjusted her glasses, not missing the way Archie was eyeing up her chicken. She relented and gave her the pack, letting her pet the bird whilst she finished up collecting the barbed wire.

* * *

“You and Archie get along well,” Maxine announced into the silence, not looking up from her lab notes.

Five set down the suture practice kit she was working on. “She’s fun.”

“That why you like Sam so much? Because he’s fun?” Maxine asked, leaning back in her chair, an odd look on her face.

“Yeah he’s fun to be around,” Five signed, holding up the work she’d already done for Maxine to see.

Maxine took the kit off her, falling into her academic demeanour. “Good work, you need to work on your knotting but that will come with practice,” she pushed the kit back to her. “We’ll make a doctor of you yet.”

Five snorted. “I’m not smart enough to be a doctor.” She started to unpick the stitches she had made.

“You’re smarter than you think you are,” Maxine said.

Five scrunched her nose.

“Don’t get me wrong, you are a complete dumbass most of the time, but you are smart.”

“Thanks."

Maxine tapped the edge of her lab book, staring at Five for a while. “My girlfriend, she didn’t start to learn medicine until she was your age.”

“You don’t know my age.”

“Let me tell my motivational story, Five,” Maxine said, pointing her finger at Five. “Besides, it’s not hard to tell. You might have a baby face but I’m pretty good at these things. Anyway. Paula. She didn’t think she was smart enough to study medicine, do you know what she did for three years instead?”

Five shook her head.

“English literature.”

“Nothing wrong with that.”

Maxine smiled. “When you’re Paula there is, that woman couldn’t find the deeper meaning in anything that wasn’t DnD related unless she was drunk.”

“Sounds like my kind of woman,” Five signed. “Can you hook me up?”

“Steady on,” Maxine scowled. “I have it on good authority she’s in a loving relationship.”

“Things can change,” Five smirked.

“Don’t be cheeky,” Maxine scolded playfully. “But yeah, she spent three years studying something she hated, all because she didn’t think she was smart enough to be a doctor, then at the end of the third year, when she got her degree, she realised she made a huge mistake, that really she should have just tried and not been so hard on herself, so she signed onto a part-time course and worked a part-time job on top of that, meaning it took her two years longer to get her medical degree. She was thirty by the time she was a junior doctor, surrounded by punks older than you.”

“Sounds like a very determined woman,” Five said, trying to encourage Maxine to talk more about her. 

“She is…she,” Maxine took a breath. “She always wanted to do what’s right, you know, she became a doctor because she wanted to help, she moved into medical research because she believed she could help more people that way,” Maxine shifted, away from happy nostalgia to something more painful. “When she got the job at Pandora Haze, she was overjoyed…I don’t know where it went wrong.”

Five planned her next words carefully. “There’s a good reason she’s with Van Ark, we just don’t know it yet.”

It was the wrong thing to say, Maxine’s expression shut down. “Yeah, I’m sure there is,” she looked back at her notes. “Can’t believe it’s already March, time’s going so fast.” She said, trying to change the subject.

Five started. “It’s March?”

“Yeah, it’s been March for a good few days,” Maxine said, bemused.

“Sam’s birthday is March fifteenth, I need to get him something,” Five said, starting to panic, “We need to sort out a run, how old is he turning, do you know, do you think I could convince the kitchen to make him a cake. How did I forget?”

“Woah, woah, slow down, I can’t read signs that fast yet,” Maxine said. “Sam’s birthday is March fifteenth?”

Five nodded.

“Beware the ides of March!” Maxine said in a funny voice then shook her head. “Just like him to not tell anyone yet get super excited about other birthdays, you weren’t here for mine, but he went full out,” Maxine said. “Shit, we need to do something nice.”

“You think?”

Maxine sniffed. “We have a week, we can come up with something in a week.” She paused as she thought. “I remember just after I arrived at Abel Sam was obsessed with the idea of roller skating, like he really wanted to learn, but well, not exactly a good time, maybe we could find him some skates, though he is a bit clumsy, that might lead to him getting a broken arm.”

“I can teach him,” Five signed. “I’m pretty good.”

“That…surprises me,” Maxine mused. “Okay, I’ll have a chat with the others, see if we can have a party or something, twenty-four isn’t big, but I think Sam deserves it.”

Five smiled. “He deserves it.”

Maxine gave her that odd look again. “God sake,” she said to herself. “Can you pass me the notes from last week’s lab, they’re by your mug?”

* * *

Sam grabbed Five’s arm as soon as she was through the gate.

She made a startled noise but followed him.

“Don’t need to worry about bite checks, New Canton said you were clean, come on, I got something to show you.”

Sam couldn’t stop smiling, he was too excited, but he’d been working on it since Five turned off her headset to chat with Nadia, and that was four hours ago.

Five tapped his arm. “What?” she signed.

Sam bounced a little mid-step. “It’s a surprise,” he said, turning the corner.

Five squinted at him.

They approached the new billets, which were really just flat-pack Ikea homes the Major had dropped in from Mullins, but they were sturdy and real. And they could be a home.

Sam let go of Five’s arm and approached one, pointing at the sign above the door. “Runner Five, welcome to the runner’s quarters,” he announced. “Well, runners and me. Runners and honorary runners…regardless, welcome!”

Five folded her arms, raising a brow, smiling a little before signing. “Sam, I’ve seen the building”

He jumped from one foot to the other. “Well, yes, but…oh just, close your eyes.”

Five frowned. “Why?”

“Just, come on…do it,” He said.

She groaned but did so, still smiling so he knew she was joking.

Sam hesitated for a moment, about to take her hand. He opted to grab her wrist instead, kicking the door open behind him and leading her in. “Watch your step, okay, yeah, great.”

He led her into the little open area they had that led to the different bunks, placing her in the middle of the room. “Okay, keep your eyes closed.”

Five smirked but nodded. Sam quickly turned on the lights, then stepped back in front of her. He let himself enjoy her face for a moment, his heart rate rising a little. She started wearing her glasses more often, something he was really liking.

Sam cleared his throat. “Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

Five did so, catching his gaze for a moment, smile softening, then looking around.

She first noticed the fairy lights, eyes following them around the room. It was small, but there was enough space for the few pillows and throws he had, they even had a little bookshelf with one lone book.

Five spun, then looked back at him. “This is really lovely.”

He was too excited to wait, Sam took her wrist and pulled her towards the doors leading to the bunks, approaching her door.

The sign he had made was hanging a little wonky, Five raised a hand to adjust it but the sign didn't want to hang straight. He’d made them for everyone’s, but he was particularly proud of hers.

“Is that what I look like,” she said, pointing at the doodle of her in the corner.

“Artistic license?” Sam said, “I’m not the best artist.”

She shrugged. “I like it.”

Sam pushed her door open. “And the grand finale!”

The bunk wasn’t that much bigger than their old ones in the tent, but these had real windows, and a bed with something resembling a mattress beneath the window, pressed between the walls. Besides the bed, a chest of drawers acting as storage and a bedside table. The height of luxury.

Five cocked her head, stepping in.

“Jody made the quilt’s, she’s been working non-stop to get one for each runner in this billet, Evan did a pillow run before you came back from New Canton, so you’ll have an actual pillow to sleep on.”

Five picked up her teddy tucked under the quilt, holding it under its arms.

“I don’t know if you like plants, but I assumed you did, so you get this little guy,” Sam said, pointing at a cactus on the chest of drawers next to the candle holder on the textbook with Five's pressed flowers in. Five put her teddy down. “It used to be Simons but-,”

“It’s dying,” Five signed.

“Yeah, thought you could rescue it.”

“It’s really hard to kill,” she scowled. “How did Simon manage that?”

“How does he manage anything?”

Five shook her head, sitting down and testing the bed.

“Do you like it?” Sam asked.

She nodded. “I love it.”

“Great, because I’ve been working on it for hours!”

“It shows,” she sniffed. “You’re too good to us runners.”

“Gotta keep you well looked after,” he said. “You’re the reason Abel is still standing.”

She crossed her legs under her. “You have a hand in that too.”

He shrugged. “Honorary runner and all that.”

“You going do a big reveal to the others too?” Five asked.

Sam sat on the bed next to her, leaning on the wall, “Well…no…they all kind of already seen it,” Sam said. “They are very nosey.”

“It seems to be a runner trait.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” he paused. “You’re not nosey.”

She smiled. “I’m just good at hiding it.”

“Ahhh, I see how it is.”

Five ran her hands over the quilt, the bruising on her knuckles starting to fade, but the bandages on her hands still in place.

“Did you forgive Nadia?” Sam said, not forgetting the way the Nadia had sobbed at Lem's message today. He knew her pain, he just couldn't find it in himself to feel bad yet, not after what she did to Five.

She nodded.

“You were talking to her for a while.”

Five picked at a stray thread on the quilt. “She did most of the talking.”

“Oh?”

Five sat up properly on the bed, leaning on the wall opposite him, poking at the pillow a few times. “I don’t blame her if that’s what you’re asking.”

Sam felt that bubble of anger he’d been nursing the past week rise up. “Why…she tried to have you killed?”

Five tapped her hand on her knee, face scrunched as she thought. “It makes sense, it’s not fair that I get to live when others are dead,” She signed slowly, tensing her hands a few times. Sam waited, letting her elaborate.

She didn’t for a while, and Sam was a little worried about how she questioned the fairness of her life.

Eventually, she went to start signing again. “I don’t blame her, because if I was her, I would be just as angry, she loved Lem, that is very clear. If someone I loved died, and someone else seemed to be to blame, I’m not sure I would do anything different." She smirked. "I would have been way more efficient. Not that I’ve loved anyone like Nadia loved Lem.”

Sam shifted. “I don’t think you would kill someone, Five, you wouldn’t kill anyone.”

“I have,” she signed, then she froze. She shook her hands out a few time and took a breath. “I have… and if I’m honest, I would do it again. I have no right to be upset with her, especially when she has more reason for it than I did.”

Sam didn’t know how to handle that news. He swallowed. Five was a killer, did that change his view on her?

No. Not really.

Sam didn’t exactly have a leg to stand on, he’d killed his own parents. He knew what it felt like to hold this guilt. To carry that weight of someone’s death, to know you’re the one that removed the light from their eyes. “I’m sure you had your reasons.”

“I did,” she signed. “Bad ones, but I did. As I said, the first few months were bad.”

“Yeah, they were.”

Her expression became distant, and Sam knew he’d lost her to some memory, her hand drifted to the yellow ribbon on her forearm, fiddling with it. He tapped her knee with his foot. “Hey…you with me?”

She blinked and nodded, looking around the room. “You did an amazing job, thank you.”

The pride he felt didn’t unsettle that feeling of guilt, but it was better than nothing. “Anything for my runners.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late posting, should have the next chapter up on Sunday!  
> Thanks for reading, folks xx


	18. When you're up you're up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archie and Five meet Jamie, Archie invites Five to ABBA night, and Sam celebrates his birthday!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2M9

Archie was really struggling to carry the boy. Five was tempted to take him off her just to increase their speed, but Five also had a pistol, and that was a tad more useful.

The kid in Five’s arms wrapped her arms around Five’s neck, screaming with each shot.

“I want Jamie,” the kid cried.

“They’re all around us, Sam!” Archie yelled, jumping to get the boy higher on her hip.

Five’s pistol clicked. No ammo. Shit. Sara had told her to count her shots. Why did she never count her shots?

“Can’t you outrun them? Head to the side, out of their reach,” Sam said.

Archie looked around wildly. “We’re trying! But the children – we can’t drop the children, and they’re so heavy! Maybe we can -,” she grunted as the boy grabbed at her hair. “No, we can’t. There are more zombs behind. There’s no way out!”

Sam’s breathing got louder. “There must be something! You’re not going to die here, and you’ve got to save those children.”

Five stowed her pistol and pulled out her knife, flipping it round in her hand to get a better grip.

“Yes, that would be lovely, to be saved, but I don’t think-,” a low rumble cut Archie off.

The truck skidded to a stop, tires tearing tracks into the tarmac. A man, a very tall man, leapt through the window on the passenger side and efficiently yanked the hose free.

Five barely had enough though to plant her feet and turn her back to it to stop the kid getting a face full of water.

Getting sprayed by a fire hose, not as fun as one would think. The pressure was insistent, almost to the point of painful, blasting against her spine.

And then it stopped, leaving Five shivering and drenched.

“Jamie! Jamie!” the girl cried out, reaching with tiny hands to the large man dropping the hose.

“What’s happening, guys?” Sam asked, headset a little displaced from the hose. Five readjusted it.

“He used the hose to spray the zombies. It knocked them right over. It’s – he’s cleared the path.” Archie said, staring wide-eyed at the man.

The man came forward and took the girl from Five, giving Five the dirtiest look he could.

_Is this how people feel when they talk to me?_

“Give me them kids." He said, accent thick with midlands snap.

Archie almost dropped the boy in her haste to hand him over. “Yes, here you go. We can… oh, okay. Well, we’ll just follow you. What about the fire truck?”

“No petrol, innit." As if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

_Yeah…this is definitely how people felt when they used to talk to me before._

Archie couldn’t take her eyes off him. “Yes, that makes sense.”

“He’s taken the children?” Sam asked.

Five cleaned off the water on her glasses and started running after the man.

“Yes. Both of them, from me and Runner Five. On his shoulders. His very broad shoulders.”

Keep it in your trousers Archie.

Archie sprinted to catch up with them. “Wait, slow down, Mister Fireman!”

“Maybe you ain’t noticed, but there’s a couple of zombies – my mistake. A couple hundred zombies behind us?” Mister Fireman spat.

Five liked Mister Fireman.

“He has got a point,” Sam said.

“Yes, I know. Hello, I’m Archie, and this is Runner Five.”

Mister Fireman gave Five another scowl. “That’s a stupid name.”

“Well, it’s actually-,”

“Don’t worry. I don’t actually care.”

Five _really_ liked Mister Fireman.

“So, you’re…” Archie said, pausing for a name.

“He’s Jamie! Jamie’s nice!

Archie was not subtle in her checking out of Jamie. “Yes, he seems _very_ nice.”

Oh dear god.

They kept a pretty good pace, even when Jamie gave Careena to Five to carry and Archie was still too distracted with Jamie’s other assets to properly focus on the run.

How did she flirt so openly with no shame? When Five tried to flirt before everything went to shit, she either wasn’t obvious enough – usually with girls, girls never get when other girls flirt with them – or she made it super awkward. _And_ she only managed it after, like, a lot of alcohol.

Yet here Archie was, on this sunny afternoon, flirting…for fun? _Teach me your ways Archie._

Sam seemed just as flustered by it as he actually asked Five to run ahead. Come on Sam, Five wanted to pick up some tips.

Why was Five thinking about flirting so much anyway, who did she have to flirt with in Abel?

_Sam._ Five tapped

He hummed a response.

_Sit rep._

“Zombies are still tailing you, if he doesn’t want to bring the kids back to Abel it might be good for you two to work as a distraction. Lead them away from the very tall and handsome man.”

Five snorted.

“What? He _is_ very tall and handsome, you can’t deny that.”

Five turned back, watching Archie give Jamie heart eyes.

_Not really my type._ She thought.

“Awww, are you jealous, Five, that Archie’s not giving you all her attention? Don’t worry, I think you are tall and handsome too.”

_Shut up sam._ She tapped out.

“Never.”

* * *

Five dropped Archie off by the New Canton gates, a few of the guards giving Five a grim look from the wall. Five gave them the best shit-eating grin she could back, even going so much as saluting.

“You should not antagonise them so much,” Archie said. “They are not so bad.”

“No, I don’t imagine they are,” Five signed. “Aside from the grabby bite checks and the shitty attitudes.”

Archie smiled. She was the only one aside from Sam who could read her signs as fast as Five did them. “You do realise you can also have a very shitty attitude.”

Five gave her a stern look.

Archie just beamed back. “Don’t worry, I still like you despite that, in spite off? Is it despite or in spite?”

Five shrugged.

“There…that…that face you pull, you look oh very mean. Like I know you are not, but that’s because I’m your friend. But they don’t know that…they just see a very scary lady.”

“If they are scared of me, they shouldn’t be guards,” Five signed, looking back up at the guards trailing her with their guns.

“Hey…I have an idea, how about you come to our ABBA night,” Archie said. “You can bring that Simon fellow too, he was fun.”

Yeah, Simon and Archie got along _very_ well.

“I don’t like ABBA.”

“I am going to pretend you did not say that and insist you come, I can introduce you to some of the guards, you can make up, maybe you’ll be friends,” she wiggled her eyebrows. “Maybe more than friends.”

Five snorted. “More than friends?”

“I do not know, maybe all this fighting is just pent up sexual frustration.”

Five guffawed, feeling her skin going very warm. “It is not!”

“I am teasing you, this is called teasing,” Archie said with a smug look on her face. “You are so very English.”

Five rubbed the back of her neck. “Piss off, don’t you have a _like_ letter to read.”

Archie bounced on her feet. “I do, oh I am so excited!” She ran towards the gate. “I’ll contact you about ABBA night.”

“Please don’t.”

“You are coming.”

“No, I am not.”

“Bye bye, runner Five.”

The gates closed behind Archie.

Five looked up at the guards again. They waved their hand to tell her to move along. Five gave them the middle finger and a smile and started the run back to Abel.

After a few moments her headset crackled.

“Hey Five?” Sam asked.

_Yes._ She tapped.

“What the hell was Archie talking about?”

Five tripped over her own feet, something he must have spotted in her headcam because he started to laugh.

* * *

Was no one going to tell him that runner’s packs weighed so much, or did he have to figure that out for himself? And his pack wasn’t even full of heavy things. He hadn’t missed that Five was putting the lighter items in his pack and the heavier in hers.

She sure did like to collect things, and it was things he didn’t think he’d spot in the locations they were running. How did she find a sports bra in a pharmacy? It made no sense.

He swore he saw her eyeing up a car battery but decided better of it.

“How much further?” Sam asked Maxine through his headset.

She laughed. “Getting tired? You’ve barely done a quarter of what runners do in a day.”

Sam grumbled. “Yeah well I’m not a runner.” He wouldn’t be out here if it weren’t Janine’s insistence he was needed to pull apart some old radio station.

Couldn’t Five do it, she was pretty handy.

Sam scolded himself, he shouldn’t be complaining about being able to spend time with Five, much less doing something Five does on a regular basis with no qualms. And even if his lungs did burn and his feet hurt, he did get to watch Five run in person, and really that sight was worth it.

She was pretty elegant when it came to running. He couldn’t get the image of her darting over a collapsed bridge from his mind. The way she had bounced between the structures. It had been stunning. The way she tripped over nothing not three minutes later less so.

Five stopped, turning to wave at him, a full toothy grin on her face.

He waved back.

“We’re almost there,” she signed. “Think you can handle a little further?”

Sam nodded.

“Are you sure, you look ready to pass out.”

“Oy…I’m plenty fit.”

“Fit? Yes. Athletic? No.”

Sam paused. Did Five just call him fit? He didn’t have time to think about it because she grabbed his arm and pulled him into a large building through a smashed automatic door.

“Five what’s up?”

“Nothing, just come this way.”

Sam looked at the brick by the glass. “Did you do this?”

“Maybe.” She smiled mischievously.

“You need to learn how to pick locks.”

She gave him a dead look. “It’s glass, Sam, I’m not picking glass.”

“But throwing a brick?”

“Is a good way to solve a lot of problems,” she signed. “I’ll throw a brick at your head if you don’t speed up.”

“You are so mean to me.”

Five shrugged and pushed into the building, she didn’t walk with a crouch, so Sam assumed it was safe, and followed.

They were in some sort of reception area, behind it were shelves of swimming costumes, goggles, and kids inflatables.

“Are we in a leisure centre?”

“Short cut.” She signed over her head, not turning around to face him as they walked deeper into the building through windowless corridors.

He turned on the light attached to the strap of his pack. “I’ve never seen this short cut before.”

“Short cut.”

“Okay,” he laughed. “Okay, it’s a short cut.”

They walked in silence for a while, Five apparently knowing the way by heart.

“Have you brought me here to kill me?”

She groaned. “I wish.”

“Make it a good death.”

“Not making any promises.”

They made it to a long corridor lined with sports lockers on one side and wide windows that overlooked a large dark room on the other. It was so dark in there Sam couldn’t see much beyond the fact that its floor was rather low beneath them, a set of stairs at the end of the corridor leading down to it.

“Please tell me we aren’t going in there. Wait...Five what are you-,” Five was pulling open a locker, toeing off her shoes and tossing her pack aside. “Five?”

Five bounced on her shoeless feet a few times, stretching up to grab something from the top locker shelf, pulled it out and held it up to him.

Two pairs of roller skates.

“What’s this?” He took the skates, turning them over, one pair larger than the other.

Five scrunched her nose. “You don’t know the sign, but I thought it was obvious what they were.”

Sam blew out his cheeks. “I know what they are, I’m just confused why-,”

Five must have been waiting for him to ask, she bounced from foot to foot excitedly and padded off down the steps. Sam ran to the window, seeing her shape move in the dark and out of view.

There was a click, metal groaned, and lights started flashing. Coloured lights sparkled and twinkled, a disco ball flaring up on the ceiling, music pounded dully through the glass.

It was a roller rink.

Sam pressed his nose up to the window, Five skipping forward into view. She did a little jump and held her arms wide, presenting the room to him.

“Happy birthday,” she signed wildly, the disco lights glaring of her ear-to-ear smile. “You said you wanted to learn.”

It took a moment for his brain to catch up.

He looked down at the skates in his hand then back up at Five. She had done this…for him?

He forgot he even told her his birthday was today. Oh god, she’s gone and told everyone hasn’t she?

Her smile grew hesitant and he swore, throwing off his pack and running down the steps into the rink, struggling to keep hold of their skates.

The music was a little louder than he expected, shitty disco music tended to be like that. He was reminded of being six and waiting for the tuck shop to open with his handful of twenty pee coins at his school disco.

A little too excited, Sam dropped the skates, ran up to Five and hugged her, lifting her off her feet a little. She laughed, tucking her hair behind her ear when he put her down, readjusting her skewed glasses.

“You did this for me?”

“Well I didn’t do it for me,” she signed. “It’s not my birthday.”

Sam balled his fists in excitement. “How long do we have?”

Five tapped her headset. “Maxine’s given us an hour window, then we have to go.”

“Oh, Maxine was the one who told you about the skating thing. Thanks, Maxine!”

“She’s turned the mic off on her end, said the music would be distracting whilst she does some notes, she’ll beep if there’s a problem.”

“But Janine wanted me to-,”

“Janine was in on it too.”

Sam cocked his head. “How did you convince her?”

Five smiled tapping her nose. “That’s a secret.” Then she pointed sternly at the skates.

He nodded, plonking down to pull them on.

Five had hers on faster than him, doing a few laps of the rink whilst he laced up his shoes.

“You’re doing great!” He called.

Distracted, she tripped and went sprawling.

“Oh…sorry,”

Five gave him a thumbs up from the floor, quickly jumping back up, skating to him, spinning backwards into a stop on the toestops.

“You ready?”

Sam nodded excitedly and took her held out hand to help him up.

He was wobbly at first, nearly falling without even moving. She took some time to explain how he should be positioned. Knees bent, back straight, try not to lean forward. He really needed to work on his squat.

Five then showed him how to move, how each foot should push. Then showed him the easiest way to stop, a method he noted she never used. Five preferred to do that spin and skid on her toestops.

She skated backwards as he moved forward, keeping her hands held up to catch him when he wobbled, ever stable despite the wheels.

“How are you so still?”

“Practice.”

"Did you skate a lot then?"

"Not in recent memory," Five signed. "But it's sort of like riding a bike, it kind of sticks with you."

"I never learned how to ride a bike without the stabilisers," Sam admitted. "I do not have an ounce of balance or coordination, mum used to say I got two left feet."

"You're doing very well for someone with two left feet."

He beamed at the compliment, not paying attention to what he was doing. He wobbled again and grabbed for Five’s arm, the lights from the disco changing her ribbon different colours.

“Sorry,” he chewed his lip, letting go of her arm again. “I feel like I’m going too slow.”

Five smirked. “I have an idea. You wanna go fast?”

Oh no. “I don't want to fall over.”

He shouldn’t have said it. He really should not have said it. Five jumped up onto her toestops and shoved his shoulders, hard.

It was almost comical how long it took him to fall, his skates skidding underneath him a few times as he tried and failed to stay upright. He landed hard on his ass, not painful, just a little jarring.

She stood with her hands on her hips for a moment. “There, now you’ve fallen you won’t be scared to do so again.”

“That is a cruel way to teach,” Sam said.

She bounced from toe to toe and held her hand out to help him up.

Sam didn’t know what came over him. He took her wrist and yanked her hard.

She tumbled onto her face next to him.

“Now we’re even.”

Five stayed flat on her front, signing over her head. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” he patted her head. “Now come on, you told me you could make me go fast.”

Five was up faster than he thought possible on skates. She helped him up and had him reassume his skating stance, holding her hands out for him.

He hesitated for just a second, studying her face. He didn’t think he’d ever seen her so happy.

Five started to skate backwards, slowly picking up speed, dragging him along with her. He helped by skating forwards, albeit badly, feeling the wheels rattle beneath his feet.

When they had a good tempo going, she let go, increasing her speed a little, doing a little dance with her feet as she kept ahead.

With the added momentum Sam found it easier to skate, able to do more than the little shuffle he tried at the start.

“Hey look, I’m doing it Five! I’m doing it!”

She clapped her hands happily, making a point to assume the skating stance. Sam made sure he did so too.

With newfound confidence Sam picked up his speed, tripping a few times but not falling, finding he had enough coordination to also bop to the music as he skated.

Happy Sam could skate on his own, Five spun so she was facing forward, she bounced up onto her toestops and broke into a sprint, hopping from toe to toe. She gave one final leap and landed on her wheels, gliding out around the corner, lapping him in barely a few seconds. As she passed him, she jumped, spinning in the air and landing backwards, saluting him.

"Show off!" Sam called after her.

"You know it." She signed, spinning into more tricks

Sam couldn’t help but watch her, the way her hair spun with her, the determined look on her face as she prepared for a trick then the small smug look of victory when she landed it.

He fell flat on his face, his chin smacking the cold floor.

Five skidded up next to him.

“I’m okay,” he said, getting onto his knees, rubbing his face. “I’m okay.”

He stood slowly pushing off into a skate again. She didn’t skate off again, gliding along next to him in silence, watching him.

“Want to go really fast?” She asked after a while.

He was a little scared, he didn’t like how cheeky she looked.

“Sure, why not?”

Five held her hand out for him again.

He took it.

Five gave his hand a little squeeze and Sam swore he blacked out for a moment, not noticing that Five started skating forward, pulling him along behind her for a few seconds. She got faster and faster around the corners, keeping her hand tight in his, getting lower to give herself more power.

He was pretty content to stay like this, travelling around at this rather scary speed. But of course, for Five it wasn’t fast enough.

They reached a corner and Five skidded to a stop, but her arm pulled him forward, dragging him across the outside.

He knew what was happening, she was giving him her momentum to whip him across the track. He knew he should let go, he knew that holding on wasn’t smart.

He couldn't let go.

He would tell her he panicked, that he didn’t want to go that fast. But the truth was, Sam didn’t want to let go of her hand. He didn’t want her fingers slipped between his to go. And because of that, when he went zooming and Five stayed put, he yanked her off her wheels and they both went flying into a sprawl, Sam falling backwards, Five tumbling prone next to him.

The music pounded loudly, both lay a little shocked and more than a little winded. What if he injured her, she had gone flying.

Then Five broke into a fit of giggles, rolling onto her back.

Her face lit up, the smile so complete that every part of her was filled with joy. Her nose scrunched as she laughed, the lines around her eyes deepening. Her whole body shook, she rested one hand on her stomach as she pulled her legs up just a little with the laugh. And her other hand, still locked with his.

He sat up.

It felt right, holding it like this, being near like this. It felt so completely and abundantly right, and the act of letting go might be the worst thing he could think off right now.

He thought about leaning forward, sitting over her, pressing his mouth to hers, feeling her lips against his. He could tangle his hands in her hair and-

_Oh no._ Sam thought. _Oh no, this isn’t good._

How had Sam not realised he had a huge crush on Five till now?

It was so fucking obvious.

The way her touching him made his heart flutter, the way her smile could cheer him up on his worst days. How he enjoyed her being, how he found himself just staring at her over dinner, learning the lines of her face, memorising each smile, each frown, each show of joy.

It was so obvious it hurt.

Sam liked Five, a lot. More than a lot.

Fuck.

Sam squeezed her hand.

She slowly stopped laughing, staring up at him.

_Should I tell her? What if I ruin the friendship if I tell her, what if she runs, what if she freaks out?_

It took so long to get Five to this level, to be comfortable with her own happiness around people, what if telling her ruined it.

And the last time Sam felt like this about someone, it had ended disastrously, he wasn’t sure he could take that again.

Sam didn’t know what to do.

“You kids ready to head back?” Maxine piped in over their headsets. “Shit, that music is loud.”

Five sat up, pulling her hand from his.

He flexed his hand a few times, feeling her absence.

Five tapped her headset.

“Five? You really should head back soon, it’ll get dark in the next two hours, and with how fast Sam runs you should probably start moving.”

Five stood, skating across the rink to the DJ station, turning off the music and flashy lights.

Sam started to pull off his skates, a little dejected it was over.

“Did you have fun?” Maxine asked. “No injuries?”

Sam knotted the laces of his skates together. “No injuries, maybe a few bruises, but nothing more.”

“And you had fun?”

Sam watched Five do a few more tricks on her skates before tripping over her own feet and stumbling back onto her ass. “Yeah…I had a lot of fun.”

Maxine made a funny noise. “Well…get back as soon as you can, otherwise I think Jack might just eat all your cake without you.”

“I have cake?”

“Not for long you don’t.”

* * *

Sam lay in bed feeling the buzz of good food and good company. The roller skating had been a rather unsubtle, but still fun, way to get him out of Abel so that Maxine could set a party up for him when they got back.

Between the constant chatter of happy birthdays, really good food, and rather a few people telling him he saved their lives, Sam was feeling rather loved.

A part of him kept trying to bring him down, to tell him that they didn’t mean it, that it was all some elaborate lie, that really it would be better if Five hadn’t told the others it was his birthday. But he did his best to ignore it.

Sam had a good time, he was not going to let his stupid brain ruin it.

He rolled over, looking at the new mini Jack and Eugene had gotten him for the campaign propped on his bedside table, the little ranger with his bow, all painted and ready to use next session.

He picked it up, turning the little guy over. People had gone through such trouble for him today, and he just couldn’t believe it.

No one had ever gone through so much trouble for him aside from his family. Fuck, he missed them.

Sam grabbed his pillow and hugged it, a little overwhelmed at all his feelings. He was ecstatic about the party, the gifts, and his friends. Sad that he didn’t get to spend the day with mum and dad like he usually did.

But he was also very confused. What the hell was he going to do about his huge crush on Five?

Five had somewhat disappeared once the party started, not that she was deliberately avoiding him, but more that he was deliberately avoiding her, and she seemed to pick up on that. She had made herself busy cleaning up, making the fact that Sam couldn’t really meet her eye a little less obvious.

But it was still obvious.

Now he figured it out, he blushed something awful every time he looked at her.

He kind of wished he didn’t clock on.

It didn't help that Maxine was incredibly aware of the fact and was not subtle about. She'd come up to him towards the end of the night, breath a little stale with coffee and cider and wrapped her arm around his.

"Did you have a good day," she asked, pressing her cheek to his shoulder. 

Sam rested his head on hers. "I did, thanks." he paused. "You didn't need to do all this."

Maxine elbowed him in the side. "Of course I did, you're the best among us, you deserve it!"

"Oh just wait till your next birthday."

"Dear god please relax," Maxine said.

"I've already started planning it."

"Sam chill."

"There's gonna be streamers."

"No."

"Fireworks."

"Let's hope Janine doesn't lift that ban," Maxine giggled. 

"I'll convince her, or I'll get Five too, she apparently knows how to convince Janine to do things."

"Oh, you mean the skating thing?" Maxine asked. "Five just promised to take the morning shifts for the next month, it's always a pain in Janine's ass trying to find the runner for them, so I think she was just happy she didn't have to wrestle Simon into submission."

Sam felt a little bad, Five had a month of morning runs for him to have an hour of skating. 

Maxine hummed. "Did you have fun, skating today?"

Sam nodded. "Can't believe you remembered my very brief roller derby obsession."

"Brief, but violent," Maxine added. "You would not shut up about roller derby players fighting zombies with baseball bats."

"Hey...you like the idea of watching a pretty girl on skates kill a zombie with a bat as much as I do."

"I'm sure if you ask Five nicely she'll skate her next run," Maxine said. 

"What...no," Sam stammered. "No, I don't mean...like...you know, people in general."

"People in general?" 

"Yeah."

"But especially Five?"

"No...I don't - I do not like Five."

Maxine squeaked. "Never said you did."

Sam snapped his mouth closed, feeling the smug look on Maxine's face burn his skin. 

Did she know? Oh damn, she does.

He pulled his arm from her grip. 

Maxine frowned. "Where are you going?"

"To find Five, she didn't have any cake."

Maxine's smug look had gotten smugger. "Make sure you say please."

"I hate you."

"Love you too!"

Sam never did find Five after that, he'd gotten too caught up in a conversation with Jody.

The knock at his bedroom door startled him from his musings.

He squinted at his watch. It was late.

Sam sat up, setting the pillow aside. “Come in.”

Well, speak of the devil. Five peaked in through his door, holding something in her hands.

“Five,” Sam half chocked out. “Five uh…what’s up?”

Five closed the door and settled on the floor, the package, which was very obviously a badly wrapped present in her lap. “Didn’t give you your present, and it’s still technically your birthday so…”

“It’s one in the morning,” Sam said.

Five gave him a look. “It’s still your birthday.”

Sam chuckled. “Okay, it’s still my birthday,” he cleared his throat. “Um…can I have it?”

She nodded and handed him the parcel.

It was light and wrapped in newspaper printings, tied together with brown twine.

“Okay, I’m gonna guess it’s not a pony,” Sam said.

“Just open it.”

Sam did so, not being careful, a little too excited. He paused. “You got me a Walkman?” Sam said. “Where did you-,”

Sam pulled out the tape from under the Walkman, turning it over to read the label, _Sam’s playlist._

He looked up at Five who was finding her hands far more interesting than his face.

“When did you make this?”

“I found the Walkman on that run where we rescued Jack.”

“You stole it from those rich people?”

“I relieved them of their burden,” she signed. “Well, they weren’t using it.”

“And the tape?”

“Eugene helped me make it whilst Jack kept you out of the comms shack, you really do spend a lot of time in there.”

“I wondered why Jack was so desperate to talk campaign theories,” Sam said, he turned the tape over again. “What kind of music is it, because I’m sorry Five but your music taste is shit.”

She scowled. “At least I don’t think nightcore is a valid genre.”

“It is and always will be,” he chuckled. “So, what should I expect? Nightcore?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

Five sighed. “It’s just a tape recording of me and Eugene screaming at the top out our lungs followed by an oppressive silence where you’re forced to think about your own mortality.”

“God I hope not.”

“Prepare to be disappointed,” she signed, then relented. "It's some songs I had on my phone."

"You have your phone?"

"Yeah, brought it with me from Mullins, it got pretty beat up in the crash but it still sort of works," she signed. "If you're nice I'll let you play the few games I have on it."

Sam caught her eye, smiling lightly. He was struck with how much he wanted to just close the gap between them, the space too much. His ears started to burn and Sam quickly looked away.

Five coughed. “I do hope you like it.”

“I already do,”

“You haven’t even listened to it.”

“No…but it’s from you, so I automatically love it.”

Five swallowed and gave him a gentle smile. "I should get to bed, early run tomorrow." She stood and patted him on the head. "Happy birthday, Sam," she signed quickly, closing the door quietly behind her.

Sam slotted the tape into the Walkman, switching it on and rewinding back to the start of the first side. He lay back down on the bed, pulled the headphones on and pressed play. What was he going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have a Sam's Playlist that I made just for this chapter, should I drop the link?
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed reading, this was one of my favourite chapters to write purely for the skating knowledge so I hope you like it too!  
> Thanks for reading and stay safe out there xx


	19. In spite of the way that it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to Season 2 M14

Sam woke to a man screaming. He scrambled out of bed as fast as he could, slamming into the corridor, the sound of a man crying out getting louder.

“Simon calm down, it’s just us!” Jody yelled.

“Simon wake up,” Evan said.

Something crashed and the screaming stopped.

“Shit! Five, are you okay?”

Sam ran to Simon’s room, peering over Jody in the doorway.

Evan was holding Simon’s trembling shoulders, Simon blinking blearily around the room eyes not seeing Five on the floor rubbing her face, blood streaming from her nose.

“What’s going on?” Simon asked, voice a little slurred. “Oh, I don’t feel so good.”

Evan patted Simon’s arm. “Okay, buddy, let’s get you to the doc yeah?”

Simon seemed to come to himself. “NO!” He yelled. Then a little quieter. “No need. Just a bad dream. Just uh, god-,” He leaned forward, burying his face in his hands, still shaking violently.

Evan rubbed Simon’s back. “Jody, Five, I think I’ve got this,” he said, not looking up. “Go on now.”

Five stumbled up, cupping her face, blood dripping between her fingers.

Jody squeaked. “Fuck, Five is it broken?”

Five prodded at her bloody nose and shook her head.

There was a lot of blood. “What happened?” Sam said, leaning forward, trying to get a better look between Five’s hands.

Jody chewed her lip. “Simon had a bad dream.”

“Again?”

She nodded. “Five was the first in and he whacked her proper good in his sleep, god I thought he broke it I heard something crack. Are you sure it’s okay?”

Five squinted behind the hands on her face, blood dripping down onto her shirt. Why was she still in running gear, it was the middle of the night?

“Maybe we should see Maxine, just in case,” Sam said, he hoped no one else heard the shake in his voice.

Jody nodded. “Agreed, best to check, I’ll run ahead, wake Maxine up for you.”

“Thanks.”

Sam put his hand on Five’s shoulder and started leading her out of the billet after Jody towards the hospital.

He was going to ask why Five was in her running clothes, but her hands were a little preoccupied with stemming the blood flow, so he just rambled instead.

“That’s the fourth time this month,” Sam said. “Was it the one about needles again?”

Five nodded.

“God, I’m glad I’m not scared of needles,” Sam said, kicking the door open to the hospital and moving Five to a bed. “Can I have a look at it?”

She lowered her hands, blood still dripping freely from her nose and down her chin.

He gently took her chin in his hand, moving her face to get a better look. “He did get you good. Not gonna lie Five it looks broken, it’s all wonky.”

“It is broken,” she signed slowly. “I lied.”

Sam paused. “Why?”

She shrugged. 

That was concerning. “Uhhh…maybe work on that gut reaction,” Sam said, holding Five’s gaze for just a moment.

She tried to smile, but it just made her wince.

“Don't do that, you’ll make it worse.”

She squinted at him. “It’s fine.”

“Five.”

“Yes.”

“Please don’t lie to me.”

She clenched her jaw, raised a hand to his arm and moved his hand away from her chin. “It hurts.”

“How badly?”

“Not that bad, the fights hurt more than this,” she swallowed, seemed to make a snap decision and sighed. “That’s another lie, it hurts worse than the fights.”

“That’s three lies in as many minutes,” Sam said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why do you keep doing it?”

She went to poke at her nose stopped by Sam batting her hand away.

“Five?”

“I don’t know,” she lowered her head, eyeing the blood on her shirt. “Force of habit.”

Sam opened his mouth to say something else when Maxine slammed into the room.

“Five, you are going to be the death of me,” she said, eyes ablaze.

Five visibly paled. “It wasn’t my fault," she signed frantically.

“Oh, somehow it was your fault, do you seek to give me a heart attack, because that is what you’re going to do,” Maxine scolded, stepping forward and pushing Sam out of the way. “You only went and broke your nose.”

“Simon broke my nose.”

Maxine frowned. “Simon?”

Sam settled on the bed next to Five. “He’s been having bad dreams, panicked and clonked Five in the face.”

“Why did no one tell me this?” Maxine said, moving to a drawer and pulling out equipment, dragging a surgical tray back to them.

“He asked us not to tell you,” Sam said.

“And now Five has a broken nose,” Maxine tutted. “You runners are going to get yourself killed before you admit- Five why on earth are you in your running gear at three in the morning?”

“I was running," she signed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Maxine was about ready to commit murder. “At three AM?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Five looked at Sam, then down at her hands. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“For god’s sake,” Maxine sighed. "Honestly you runners, you would hide a stab wound if you could. Really I'm surprised you're still walking the way you lot act." She grumbled as she fussed. She gave Five a long look, shook her head and tilted Five’s head back, cleaning up some of the blood. “I’m going to have to set it, otherwise it’ll heal all wonky.”

“Won’t make my face look any worse than it already does,” Five signed.

Sam felt personally affronted. “I like your face,” he announced loudly.

His ears burned as soon as he said it. Maxine gave him a look.

God, he was tactless.

Five thankfully didn’t respond, too occupied with Maxine poking at the tender flesh. She balled her fists on the edge of the bed, gritting her teeth.

Sam rested his hand on top of hers, the tension in Five subsiding just a little, but still there.

“Okay, on three Five…one-,” A sickening crack. Five yelped, pulling her knees up a little. 

“There, that’s about as straight as I can get it,” Maxine said, standing back to assess her work.

Five pulled her hand from Sam’s. “It’s okay if it’s not, I was never very good at being straight.”

Maxine chuckled at that. “You’re not allowed to make me laugh I’m angry at you.”

A new stream of blood started dripping down her face, which Maxine quickly stemmed with some cotton pads. 

“So, you gonna tell us why you can’t sleep?” Maxine said, cleaning up the new blood.

Five’s hands twitched a few times. “I don’t-,” she stopped mid sign, tapping her hands a few times as she thought. “I don’t know.”

Maxine and Sam shared a look.

“Five?” Sam said, lowering his voice.

She mulled over it for a while. “Bad dreams.”

“And there it is,” Maxine said. “There’s no shame in that Five, we all get bad dreams.”

“I mean, if I have a night with only one bad dream it’s considered a good night,” Sam said. “You saw me that week you lived with me.”

“I know. Everyone’s struggling. That’s why I don’t bother talking about my-,” she squeaked as Maxine poked on a soft bit.

“Sorry,” Maxine said, looking genuinely apologetic.

“Why you don’t bother what?” Sam prompted.

“I get bad dreams, nothing more about it.”

“And the running?” Sam asked, pulling at the hem of her sleeve.

“If I’m tired, I fall asleep faster.”

“Ah.”

Sam thought back to the week they shared the shack where she slept on the floor and him on the bed. He never once saw her have a bad dream, probably because he never once saw her sleep aside from the first night. Last to bed first to rise. Always awake to help him when he struggled.

“Five…how much sleep do you get a night?” Sam asked

She winced again as Maxine disinfected the nose. “I get enough.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Ask a better question,” she signed quickly.

Five hissed again when Maxine prodded her nose. “That’ll teach you for having an attitude," Maxine said.

Despite the playful way Maxine had scolded her, Five’s expression shifted into something darker. She dropped her hands and didn’t make to sign anything again.

Maxine gave Sam a look. “So how much sleep are you getting, on average?” Maxine said, voice a little softer this time.

Five didn’t respond.

“Five?”

“Can you just get on with it?”

Maxine frowned. “Five, we’re asking you because we care.”

“Well it feels like an interrogation and I don’t like it.”

Sam shifted, she’d gone from calm to on edge very damn fast. “It’s not an interrogation.”

“Doesn’t make me like it anymore.” She signed. “Just drop it.”

Maxine lowered her hands. “Five, being aggressive isn’t going to make us back off, so maybe try and change that tactic before I get tired off it.”

Five blinked, almost as if she hadn’t realised what she was doing. She took a few shaky breaths. “Four hours, sometimes more, usually less.”

“Okay…thank you for being honest with us,” Maxine said, pulling out some tape and bandages. “This is gonna swell, but we don’t have any ice for you to use to reduce it so you might be really uncomfortable for the next few days. I can give you painkillers-,”

“No that’s okay, save them for something worse,” Five signed.

Maxine hummed, beginning to dress the wound. “If you’re sure, usually I would insist but, well, yeah…”

Five didn’t hiss or wince again when the prodding clearly hurt, she stayed very still, fists balled and jaw tense, until Maxine stood back and nodded to herself.

“If you don’t fuss with it, it should heal back the way it was before, you should make sure you sleep with your head upright, and on your back until the swelling dies down. That should take a few days, and then after that at least one week until you’re back on duty.”

“A week?”

“Yes, I would say two but well, we’re struggling, and we need the rations and medical supplies.”

“And you are usually our top provider,” Sam added.

Five smiled lightly at that. “One week. I can do one week.”

“One week from when the swelling goes down.” Maxine corrected.

“Okay,” Five picked at her hands. “Sorry. About getting angry.”

Maxine made a point of keeping her face neutral. “Yes…well, it’s not healthy to go on so few hours sleep.”

“I know.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well, I can’t really say anything,” Five signed, trying for a joke.

Maxine was not impressed. Sam wasn’t either.

Five shuffled awkwardly in the silence.

It was Maxine who finally broke it. “I’m too tired to dance around the issue Five, what’s going on with you?”

Five squinted. “There’s an issue?” She looked to Sam for clarity.

“The not sleeping, the fighting, that time you-,” Sam paused. “That time you scratched your own neck.”

“I didn’t-,” Five paled. “That wasn’t-,” she tensed her hands a few times. “If anyone has an issue here it’s-,” she cut herself off again, swallowing hard. “I’m fine.”

Maxine softened her features. “It’s okay Five, to not be okay, we’re here for you.”

Five looked livid, but she refrained from signing anything else.

“Five?” Sam said.

Five worked her jaw a few times, turning a little away from him. “Can I go?”

Maxine’s shoulders slumped. She looked over the dressing on Five’s nose. “Sure, I’ll come by and check it in the morning.”

The door slammed so hard behind Five the walls shook.

Maxine pulled off her surgical gloves. “That went well.”

Sam sniffed, pulling one leg up to his chest. “We shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Maxine shook her head. “No…no we should have. We can’t keep pretending everything is okay when it’s not, she needs to learn she’s allowed to talk about her feelings. She also needs to learn that being an asshole to people is not okay.”

Sam ran a hand through his hair. “I should talk to her.”

Maxine shook her head. “Let her cool off for a bit,” she started disinfecting her equipment. “Are you okay?”

“No…are you?”

“Definitely not.”

Maxine held his gaze for a while. “Go on, get some sleep, we can talk in the morning, everything is easier in the morning.”

Sam stood and pulled Maxine into a hug, kissing her forehead. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too. Now go.”

* * *

Five had tried to give ABBA a go, she really tried. She thought it was okay, but she didn't really get the obsession.

Archie, on the other hand, was going absolutely feral dancing to it. Oh to be Archie in the middle of a New Canton rec room with a flower crown and half a bottle of kopperberg in hand dancing to Dancing Queen on a surprisingly popular ABBA night like it wasn't the zombie apocalypse. 

Five swirled her glass of water around. What she would give to have her phone and pretend to be getting a text but really just be flicking through different social media.

Simon bumped up next to her. Five sniffed. Was Simon wearing cologne?

"So, how did the make up session go with those guards you pulverized? Did it end with making out as Archie suspected."

Five shook her head. No making out today.

"Shame... might do you some good," he smirked. "Though with that nose, probably would hurt just a little."

Five raised a hand and prodded at it. It was still a little bruised, but noses healed surprisingly fast. She was just grateful Maxine set it okay. 

Simon stared at her for a moment a rare expression of seriousness on his face. "Sorry, about that...I don't think I said."

Five put down her cup. "It's okay, wasn't your fault."

"Kind of was."

"You didn't intend for it."

"Okay fair...still, sorry."

"It's fine, adds character," she signed. "That and the hundred other scars."

"You're looking like a regular badass now," Simon said. "I wish I had some cool facial scars."

"I could give you one if you like."

He laughed. "Yeah...no thanks, gotta keep this looking clear and youthful."

Five snorted. "Youthful? How old are you again?"

"Thirty is not old."

"Time's getting on."

"Five."

"Gonna have to start thinking about a pension, funeral plans, would you like a catholic ceremony?"

"Yes haha, very funny, you won't be laughing in ten years, then you'll be crying"

She cocked her head. "I thought you said turning thirty wasn't a big deal, why would I be crying? Simon, thirty is not old, why are you being cruel?"

"Oh for...you're a little shit sometimes, Five, you know that?"

"Yes."

Simon punched her arm, them settling into a comfortable silence. “I noticed you and Sam haven’t really been speaking, lovers quarrel?” And he had to go and ruin it.

“What? No? Don’t be weird.”

Simon chuckled, watching Archie attempt the robot. “Then what, why is he avoiding you?”

“I’m avoiding him," she admitted.

Simon made an ahhh noise, nodding his head thoughtfully, as if what she signed made his confusion go away. Then he scrunched his face, and turned back to her. “Why?”

Five thought about their faces when she had snapped at them. “I did something cruel and didn’t apologise for it.”

“Okay…what did you do?”

“I got angry with him…and Maxine”

“Five…you get angry with a log if it looked at you the wrong way.”

Five scowled at him.

“There it is," he said, pointing at her face. "What did you say?”

Five thought back. “I didn’t say anything, I just…I got upset, may have slammed a door.”

“Wow, true terror monger here. Five how could they ever forgive you?”

“I shouldn’t have gotten so emotional.”

“Why did you get _emotional_?” he said, air quoting the word.

Five paused for a moment. “You know when people ask you if you’re okay?”

“How could they!” Simon said, pretending to be horrified.

Five ignored him. “And you can see it in their faces, that they really don’t care if you’re okay, they just care if you’re going to inconvenience them. They want to know how bad you're doing so they know how long it will be until you’re back to your regular self.”

Simon's expression became dark. “Yeah…yeah, I do.”

_He really does know, doesn't he?_

“It felt like that.”

Simon rubbed his arm a few times, nervously thumbing the crook of his elbow. “Well, you won’t feel that around me, because I couldn’t care less about you.”

She smiled. “And I couldn’t care less about you.”

“Glad we’re agreed," he looked back at Archie. "She is something isn't she?"

"One of a kind."

Simon leaned closer, conspiratorial. "Did you hear, her and Jamie really hit it off," he wiggled his eyebrow. "If you know what I mean."

Five ignored him. 

"She really slid down his fireman's pole."

Silence.

"She unfurled his hose."

Silence.

"She climbed his tree."

Five gave in, groaning loudly to cover up her smirk. "Simon you're a thirty-year-old man, just call it sex and be done with it."

"But where's the fun in that," he said. "Come on you found it funny."

"I have never found you funny," Five signed. "Make better innuendos and I might actually laugh."

"I will take that as a personal challenge, you know that," Simon said. 

"Good, maybe you will develop a sense of humour finally."

"Ouch, okay you know what, you're mean and I don't like you."

"Oh no, what a nightmare."

Simon shook his head, then checked his watch. "We should probably start saying our goodbyes, Janine wants us back before eleven."

Five wiggled her eyebrows in an impersonation of Simon’s expression. "Janine wants you back."

"Jealous, Five?"

Five picked up her glass and walked away, heading to Archie to say farewell. She wasn't going to admit she was jealous.

* * *

She was back. Dear god she was back.

Five watched Sara be doted upon by the runners and members of Abel. Constant back pats and shoulder punches and smiles of admiration and whatever stupid way they kept pretending like everything was normal.

Five still smelt like fuel. 

It had been hard to think on that boat, harder still when they nearly drowned in oil with that awful screaming echoing through the hull. She didn't have time to think then, but now, sat alone by the fire in the early spring evening, Five had plenty of time to think, and she had concluded one thing, she didn't trust Sara. 

Five had had this dream. Sara comes back, unable to use her last bullet, forcing Five to use hers, but she had come back a little more grey than this. This Sara was very spry for a dead woman walking.

Something about her set Five's teeth on edge. It wasn't right, everything about this was wrong, and it felt wrong and Five wanted to cry and scream at everyone to stop acting like this was all normal, to stop playing happy families and realised that something was going on here.

Sara was faster than before, stronger, she coughed less, and her timeline of events didn't match up with how much time had passed. Why did no-one want to look at it too closely, why did no one see? Sara was hiding something big. FIve just couldn't figure out what.

She was back, and it was wrong, and it was so wrong and why did-

"You okay there Five?"

Five blinked, she hadn't noticed Evan sit down next to her, Bonnie between his knees as he scratched her ears. 

Five nodded. 

"It's weird isn't it," he said, gesturing back to Sara surrounded by the runners. "It's like seeing a ghost."

A very untrustworthy ghost.

Evan didn't take her silence as her being rude, which was a shame, she hoped he would. "I heard about your little outburst after Simon broke your nose, Sam's been-,"

"It wasn't an outburst," Five signed quickly. "I just got upset." She clenched her jaw. "It won't happen again."

It seemed her signs were a little too fast as Evan tensed his hands whilst he worked through reading them, making the shapes from memory. Once he had them in mind he turned back to Bonnie, scratching her chin. "You're allowed to get upset," he said. "Just like you're allowed to feel whatever it is your feeling about Sara right now."

"I'm not feeling anything."

"We both know that's a lie," he kept his eyes on the dog, reading the signs from the corner of his eye. "This is hard for me, as I had already grieved Sara, so seeing her come back, it's ripping up old wounds."

This was going somewhere. Evan often did this, try and put a life lesson into his _chats_. Five had managed to avoid these _chat's_ thus far, they were usually reserved for when a runner was visibly struggling. Was Five visibly struggling? She hoped not.

"Still, it's easier for me...I at least started grieving."

Five squinted at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I noticed you haven't visited Maggie or Chris' graves," he said slowly. "The flowers have started to bloom, it's very nice, maybe we could go in the morning?"

"Didn't know you were keeping track of my whereabouts," she signed, shoulders tensing.

"Abel is a small place, Five."

She huffed. "Tell me about it."

"I think it would be good for you."

That set something off in Five. The tone, the way it sounded like he knew best, it felt too similar, too like-

She shot to her feet, startling Bonnie a little. "I don't need your advice on what is good for me."

"Five, I didn't mean-," he paused, looking over Five's shoulder. 

_He was looking at her, wasn't he?_

"Five, we haven't had a chance to catch up," Sara said, grabbing Five's arm. "Come on, let's talk somewhere privately huh, all this noise makes reading signs a little difficult."

The grip on Five's arm was bordering on vice-like, Sara was far too keen to get her somewhere private. Not that the space between two billets overlooking the fire was anymore private, but it was away.

"How you doing Five, I'm liking the new scar."

Five pulled her arm free, nearly shoving Sara back. 

"Okay...someone's in a bad mood, well I guess it was too much to hope everyone would be happy to see me," Sara said, putting her hands in her pockets and leaning back against a billet wall. "So Five...how are you doing?"

Five shrugged. 

"That's not an answer, did your mother not teach you manners?"

"Not really."

Sara stared at Five's hands, her nose flaring a little before she settled into an even more casual stance. "The shaking hands are new."

If only she could put her hands in her pockets too. She pointed a shaking hand at Sara's head. "So's the grey hair"

There was a standoff, a moment where neither really knew what to say to the other, or just refused to. The last time Sara had seen Five, Five had been covered in her own blood half-conscious from the explosion. And Sara had been a dead woman walking. And now they had to act like normal, like old times. 

No...whilst one of them was more unsettled than the other, they both knew the situation between them had changed. And neither knew if it was for the better. There was no trust here.

"You looked about ready to punch dear Evan there," Sara said. "And from what I've heard you've been getting a lot of punching practice in."

"I didn't have a sparring partner, so I made do."

God the runners did gossip a lot, Sara had barely been back three hours and she'd already gotten months old news.

Sara chuckled. "Did you win?"

"I walked away, didn't I?"

"Didn't they?"

"They were carried."

Sara smiled. "That's my Five."

_I'm not yours._

"I see you haven't put any more work into that poker face, no wonder everyone want's to fight you so bad, I want to smack you myself and I _like_ you," Sara said.

"You like me? I'm flattered."

"Don't let it go to your head."

"I would never."

Another standoff. "You've been keeping that pistol in good condition," she said, nodding at hoster on her thigh.

"It's something to do."

"Hmmm," Sara sniffed, then stood up straight, turning back to the party. "Get some sleep, you were far too sloppy and slow today on that ship, we'll start training again in the morning at the usual time," she declared. Turning her back on Five so there was no way she could read her signs and walked off, integrating smoothly back into the party. 

Sam looked up at Sara, his smile not reaching his eyes when she sat down next to him. 

It was Sam, she'd let herself get too comfortable around Sam. That's what the problem was, she admitted something she shouldn't and now they all knew she was weak. Why did she admit she was lying? If she just kept quiet he wouldn't have known, and then they wouldn't have questioned her.

She sighed.

They would have asked anyway, she was in her running gear, it was too obvious.

Sam politely nodded as Sara started talking, the smile dropping when she turned away, looking past her to the space between the billets where Five stood in the shadow.

His eyes locked with Five's, expression neutral for a while, shifting into something Five couldn't place. He motioned for Five to come over. 

She should ignore him.

Could she go back to ignoring Sam like she had when she first arrived? He made her want to tell him things she didn't tell anyone else, and that scared her. Five didn't like how much she wanted to tell him things, but a small part of her was convinced that he was good and kind and wouldn't do anything bad if he knew. In fact, it wasn't small. A large part of her was convinced of that. 

Sam was good, that's a fact. 

But would he be good to her if he knew everything? What if the smile didn't reach his eyes when he looked at her, like how he looked at Sara? All she wanted was to see him smile, and if he smiled properly when he looked at her, then maybe that would mean Five was enough.

Five hesitated, working through her options.

He smiled.

Oh god, he smiled, and it reached his eyes, and it was meant for her, and something in Five clicked.

Like clockwork locking into place.

Whatever it was, it was new and scary, and it left a physical weight in her chest that pushed on her lungs. 

Five shook her head and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late updates, I had everything written, but for some reason, the final part of this chapter didn't sit right with me so I kept rewriting it. Until I got this...  
> Next chapter will be up either tomorrow or Saturday!!  
> Hope you enjoyed  
> And Stay safe out there.


	20. Cast your eyes to heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2M15  
> Content Warnings: Violence, death, panic attack, PTSD symptoms  
> This chapter features a fight - however, the fight is non-cannon, and is something I have written in to explain some characterisation and relationships - if you don't want to read, that's okay, you can skip to the next chapter.

It was starting to feel like spring. Five was rather enjoying the pleasant sun that warmed her skin. Though it was coming up to storm season soon, and that was not going to be fun.

She scratched at Milo’s ears, waiting for Archie to finish ripping apart a car.

“Who’s a good boy?” Five signed. Milo pawed at the ground.

“I’m rather enjoying just getting to watch a puppy,” Sam said through the headset. “He’s a very good boy.”

Another attempt at normalcy.

Five really needed to figure out what to do, she couldn’t keep avoiding him, it wasn’t fair on him when he did nothing wrong. But she still wasn’t sure, because now every time they attempted to talk Five’s heart would race and her palms would get sweaty and she wasn’t sure why.

It wasn’t that Sam scared her, but she panicked when he was around.

For a while, she thought it was because she felt bad about her outburst, but Five had already apologised to Maxine and they were back to some semblance of normal – ignoring all the worried sideways glances each gave the other – but Five couldn’t even start an apology for Sam before getting flustered and walking away to save face.

Sam made her nervous, which made no sense.

Archie rolled out from under the car, face dirty, a box of scraps between her legs. “I think that that is about as much as I am going to get out of it.” She announced, reaching forward and scratching Milo’s chin. “Unless you want to be here for four more hours.”

“Yeah, don’t do that, it’s already getting pretty late,” Sam said, his chair creaking. “Oh wait, hang on guys, Janine’s calling, be right back.” The headset clattered as Sam took his off and left the comm shack.

Five went back to fussing with Milo, flattening down his little ears and smiling.

“You get a look on your face,” Archie said.

Five frowned at her, sitting back on her haunches. “Faces tend to have looks.”

“When Sam talks, you get a look, it is very sweet,” Archie continued.

“What are you talking about?”

“It is like a smile, but not.”

“Descriptive.”

Archie smirked. “He makes you happy.”

That was true. “He’s my friend.”

“Friends don’t avoid friends,” Archie announced. “It is very mean of you to just not talk to him. I don’t know your reasons, but they are definitely not good ones.”

Also true, her reasons were pitiful at best. “You’re right.”

“I always am.”

“Careful, you don’t want to grow your ego.”

“What is wrong with having a big ego? Is there something bad about liking yourself?” Archie asked.

Five shook her head.

“I thought so,” she said, folding her arms in an attempt to be smug. “So…you will talk to Sam tonight?”

“Yes, I will.”

The smugness increased. “Great.”

Milo flattened out, rolling onto his back, begging for belly rubs that Archie happily supplied. It was peaceful, one could almost imagine they weren’t stuck in the middle of the apocalypse. The flowers had started to bloom, a few of the cherry blossom trees that lined the country road blooming. If Five closed her eyes and let the sun hit her face, for a moment, a few blissful moments, she stopped shaking.

Five stood, wiping down her trousers and wandered to the blooms of wildflowers around the base of the trees, she knelt down and began picking a bunch of them.

The door to the shack crashed. “Hey guys I’m back, did you miss me?” Sam said, voice cheery.

“Five did,” Archie said, smiling sweetly at Five as she wandered back flowers in hand. “Me? Well, you do talk a lot,” she snarked, taking the flower Five offered her and tucking it behind her ear.

“Um…yeah…” Sam cleared his throat. “Someone has to keep up with you.” He hummed to himself. “Your path home looks clear by the way, surprisingly calm day.”

It was nice.

“Okay then, Milo, lets head home.”

* * *

Sam packed up his dice, setting his mini on the chest of drawers whilst he looked for his character sheet. He was excited about tonight’s session. Last time Maxine had ended it on a cliff hanger, about to roll initiative for a fight with the bugbear crime lord they had been tracking since the start of the campaign.

He heard her steps before she knocked on the door.

Sam looked up, Five stood in his door, hand raised ready to knock. She was in running gear, though not what she wore this morning, and her free hand gripped tightly around a bunch of wildflowers.

“Hey Five,” Sam said, a little confused at the sight.

Five lowered her hand from the door, holding up a bunch of flowers.

Sam took them. “Are these for me?”

She nodded, making a considerable effort to not look him in the eye, instead, hitting the floor with the toe of her boot.

He fussed with their petals, brain not really working, she brought him flowers. That wasn't fair, Sam wanted to give her flowers.

He stammered. “I’ve never been given flowers before,” he laughed. “I was usually the one giving them.”

Was this how it felt when people received flowers? It felt amazing.

“Peace offering.”

“Are we making peace…for what?”

They hadn’t really spoken since she broke her nose over four weeks ago. Sam had been busy coordinating extra runs to try and bring the ration supply up, and Five spent most of her free time training with Sara.

Sam had nothing against Sara, aside from the fact that he didn’t like her. Okay, that was a big thing. But really Sara brought out the worst in Five. And not just Five, but near on every runner acted differently around Sara.

They tried to act tougher, braver, more reckless. It was as if they had something to prove.

And Five, Five got more stoic. Like the last six months didn’t happen, and she was right back to the way she was when she arrived. Reserved and distant.

Five picked at the hem of her sleeve. “I wanted to say sorry, for what happened when I broke my nose.”

“When Simon broke your nose,” he corrected.

She smiled, then stared at his face for a while. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you.”

“You do that a lot,” Sam said.

“Get angry?”

“Not angry, just…on edge,” he tried to word his next sentence carefully. “It’s like you-,” he trailed off, not sure where he was going. “We just worry about you, we want to be here for you.”

She grimaced at that.

“You do know that right…that we care about you? And that when we ask if you’re okay it’s not because we are mad or interrogating you or…it’s because we like you Five. You know that?”

A mirthless smile. “Would you be mad if I said I don’t believe you?”

Sam sighed. “No of course not. I just feel sad, that you don’t.”

“I’m sorry I made you sad.”

He waved his hand vaguely, smiling as wide as he could. “You make me happy more often than not, so I’ll forgive you.”

Five scrunched her nose to try and hide a smile.

“You going somewhere?” he asked, putting the flowers down on the chest of drawers and nodding at the pistol on her thigh.

Five groaned. “Major wants me and Sara on a night run.”

Sam stopped his searching for an empty marmite jar to put the flowers in. “Why didn’t I hear about this?”

“It’s a need to know.”

_Oh?_

“Should you be telling me?”

“Probably not,” she smirked. “But I’m not actually military so they can’t tell me what to do.” She cocked her head. “And it’s not a secret that we are leaving tonight.”

“You’re not military? The Major gives you a lot of orders for someone who isn’t.”

Sam never realised, he hadn’t actually thought about why Five was brought in. He knew it had something to do with the army, but not much had come of it. Unless he wasn’t aware of it, which was highly possible.

“Do I look or act like a soldier?”

“You really don’t,” he chuckled.

“Good…I would like to keep it that way.”

“Got something against soldiers?”

“Not personally, I get along with Janine well enough, I just find the whole system a bit terrifying.”

“Yet you’re helping them.”

Five shrugged. “Well, they are short on staff. And I did sign up for it, a promise is a promise.”

“Why did you sign up for it if you don’t like it?”

“I made a lot of stupid decisions in the first few months,” she admitted. “And I wanted to get out Mullins, deployment was the fastest route out. I couldn’t sign up for active duty even though I passed fitness, so civilian assistance it was. It’s a fancy way to say I did the laundry for the real soldiers.”

“Oh…you never talk about Mullins.”

“Do you want me to?”

Sam rubbed the back of his neck. “It’d be nice to know you more.”

“Getting to know me through my work at Mullins is not the way to get to know me.”

“Then what is?”

Five raised her shaking hands, tensed them, and froze.

She nodded at the mini on the drawers. “This your character?”

Sam got whiplash from the sudden change in conversation. “Yeah, um, yeah…his names Quinn, he’s an aasimar ranger.”

“He’s fun,” she signed, squinting at it. “What level?”

“Nine,” he said. “Almost at level ten if the fight tonight doesn’t kill us.”

“T.P.K,” she finger spelt. “I’ll pray for you.”

“Much appreciated,” Sam had a thought. “Why don’t you talk to Maxine about joining in?”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude,” she signed.

“It wouldn’t be…it’ll be nice to have a new character. Would you play a ranger, seeing as they are your favourite? We can be rangers together.”

Five’s face went red. “Monk’s are actually my favourite.”

“Monks? But you said-”

“I didn’t know how to convey monk to you, so I went for the easiest thing I could gesture. I don’t actually like rangers that much,” she cleared her throat. “I just wanted to be included in the conversation.”

“That’s actually really adorable that you didn’t just think to hold up your fists for a monk.”

“That could be a fighter,” Five signed, getting flustered.

“No for that you pretend to hold a sword.”

“Could be a cleric.”

“Okay you’re being difficult deliberately now.”

She gave him a sweet smile that made his heart pound.

“No, you don’t get to look so cute when I’m annoyed at you," he pushed her face away. "I legit thought ranger was your favourite, I based my whole assessment of you on that. Now everything I know about you is a lie, you’ve upended my whole reality.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Are we even friends, who even are you,” Sam said, raising a hand to his chest. “This is a betrayal of the deepest sort.”

“I need better friends.”

“Well, clearly we’re not friends, seeing as you lied about such an important fixture in our relationship.”

“I’m going to go, got missions to run, not all of us can sit around and play-pretend.”

“Like how you play-pretend in our friendship.”

“Shut up.” She signed, leaving his room.

“Good luck on you’re run,” he called after her, a warm feeling settling in his chest.

* * *

The woman slammed Five’s head down on to the table, knocking the tools about. “Stay down!”

Five pawed at the equipment, hand wrapping around a wrench, she smashed it up behind her clipping the woman's jaw.

The distraction worked, the woman screamed, grabbing at her face. Five managed to spin, grab her collar and slam her head into a wall, dropping her and stumbling to a side just fast enough to avoid the swing of a bat.

It crashed into the wall, splinters spraying of the end. Five tried to grab it but the man holding it ripped it from her grip. She barely avoided the next swing.

Biding her time, Five danced backwards, keeping light on her feet the way Sara had drilled into her, trying to keep calm as she studied the man’s stikes.

There! He was powerful, but he had no control, he was too strong for his own good, throwing too much of his weight around.

He swung again, the bat reaching the peak, the moment of least control. Her best shot.

It cracked into her ribs but she closed in, leaping at him, knocking him back and straddling his chest, knees screaming at the sudden impact with the warehouse floor.

In his shock, she managed to kick the bat aside and draw her blade. It spun in her hand, a better grip, and slammed down to his throat.

Meaty hands clapped around the flat of the knife, the man struggling against her, pushing up. Five pushed down. Blood dripped from his fingers onto his face.

He spat and writhed and groaned, screaming out at the effort it took to hold Five back. She bared her teeth, shoving her entire weight behind the blade. It pressed into his throat, blood pooling around the edge. The man howled.

Letting go with one hand, Five smacked his chin up. The shock loosened his grip and Five pulled the knife back taking the opportunity to slash him deep across the throat.

“No!”

The world went sideways, the woman crashing into Five and knocking her off the man.

A fist hit her face, knocking the sense out of her for a moment. Five now had the woman pinning her, hand closing around her throat and the knife kicked away.

Five tried to dig her thumbs into the woman’s eyes, but she smashed Five hard around the face again, dazing her.

Air, Five was quickly losing air. In the struggle at kicking up at the larger woman, Five almost exhausted herself. She reached up and smacked the woman hard in the wound from her collision with the wall with the flat of her palm, throwing the woman sideways.

Five rolled onto her stomach, crawling for the knife. Nails dug into her calf. She flipped and kicked the woman hard in the face with her free leg.

A crack, nose broken. Five knew that pain.

She continued her scramble for the knife, wrapping bloody fingers around the hilt, struggling to her feet.

“You fucking bitch,” the women cursed, blood streaming from her broken nose. “You’re dead you little shit, you’re so dead.”

Five searched for an opening, a way to run. Where the hell was Sara?

She didn’t find one before the woman charged at her, carrying her off her feet and pinning her to the door by her throat. Dust fell from the ceiling, the impact hard enough the Five was a little worried she’d hurt her spine.

One hand on her throat, body pressed against Fives, the woman wrapped her hand around Five’s wrist, slamming it against the wall.

“Drop it!” The woman hissed.

Another slam and Five’s head clunked, vision going white. The knife tumbled from her grip, into the palm of the woman.

Five closed her eyes and waited.

Pain erupted in her forearm. She gasped, the knife stuck through the inside of her forearm where her ribbon was tied, pinning it to the wood as the woman gripped Five by the throat.

“Oh I’m going to make this hurt, you’re going to wish it was quick.”

She slammed Five’s head again, Five biting her tongue, blood pooling in her mouth.

She spat it at the woman, right in the eyes.

Five took her opening and kicked her in the ribs, grabbed the wedged knife and yanked it free, blood spraying on the floor. She barely had it raised before the woman slammed against her again, attempting to pin her but instead throwing herself on the knife.

Realisation dawned on her face, and she grimaced, blood already in her mouth, dripping over her teeth. Her grip on Five's throat tightened, pulling her closer. Five bared her teeth, pulling the weapon free and stabbing her again, twisting it.

The woman coughed up blood, spitting it at Five, grip on Five’s throat loosening, until she too, finally dropped at Five’s feet.

Dead.

By Five’s hand.

It took a good few moments to get her throat working again, the coughing so bad she thought she was going to pass out or vomit.

“Runner Five, can you hear me…Runner Five.”

The voice was tinny and distant, but Five stumbled towards it, nearly stepping on the headset. Kicked aside next to her pistol.

She pulled it on.

“Runner Five, respond,” the Major called.

 _Five here._ She tapped out, wheezing badly.

“Runner Five, Sara is closing in on your position, any hostiles?”

_No._

“Can you turn your headcam on?”

Five did as she was told.

“Are they dead?” Janine asked.

_Yes._

“That is unfortunate, if only they hadn't broken our deal,” Janine said.

They were supposed to tell them about the serial number on the tonal device Five had found months ago, they were supposed to tell Sara and Five where it came from. Instead, they split them up by firing at them, then jumped Five when she was alone.

“It seems Van Ark pays better than we do,” the Major said.

“How did he even find out about the deal?”

The Major didn’t respond to that. “Runner Five. Check if they had anything on their person of use.”

Five coughed, still trying to get her throat to work and stepped forward to search the bodies. What’s the chance they’ll just have the location in their pocket. It was difficult to search with one hand, but she couldn’t help but cradle her hurt arm to her chest.

The bodies were warm, it had been a while since Five had to deal with a warm body.

Bodies.

Plural.

It was multiple now, multiple dead. Oh god.

Five poked at the cheek of the dead woman, it was funny really, how easily this happened. How quickly it could.

Five was alive, and they were not. And really that didn’t make sense. Because Five really should not be, not when it seemed everyone else found dying so easy.

_Just another to add to the-_

Five had the pistol raised faster than the door to the warehouse finished crashing open.

Sara quickly raised her hands, eyes darting around the room, landing on Five.

“Sweet Mary, what happened to you?”

_Sara?_

Five’s hands trembled as she kept her pistol raised, not too sure what was really going on.

Sara, the not dead, should be dead, just like Five should be and wasn’t.

The room was starting to go hazy.

Sara took a step forward. “Hey, Five, it’s me…it’s okay, lower the weapon, could you?”

Five swallowed, trying to remove the lump from her throat. It just made it worse. She was starting to have trouble breathing again.

“Runner Five, lower your weapon,” Janine ordered.

Five didn’t like taking orders. Five wasn’t a soldier that took orders.

“Come on Five, it’s just me, good old runner Eight,” Sara said, voice slow and low.

“I know who you are!” Five hissed, jabbing the pistol at her.

How dare she act like Five was breaking down! Five wasn’t breaking down, Five wasn’t allowed to break down.

Sara nodded slowly. “Yes…you’re not stupid, are you…I mean, someone stupid wouldn’t have been able to do this.” She said, gesturing to the room, taking another step. “You’re a survivor Five, like me, so I would really appreciate it if I didn’t get shot by my friend.”

“Runner Five-”

Sara pressed something on her headset that cut Abel off.

“Okay…now it’s just us, no Abel. No one to tell you what to do, just give me the gun, Five.”

Five couldn’t stop shaking, the metal in the weapon rattling.

Sara should be dead. She got bit.

She lowered the gun.

The weapon was snatched from her, Sara quickly unloading and tucking it away in her pack.

Five coughed, trying to get air into her lungs, her throat feeling raw. She coughed again, wheezing, gasping, unable to get rid of that chocking pressure.

Her vision started to swim, the world warping, bodies doubling from two to four.

To eight, to hundreds, to thousands.

Hands gripped her arms, Sara’s face warping into view.

“Come on Five, deep breaths.”

She tried, she bloody tried, but it just wasn’t working, the woman must have crushed something because Five was certain her throat was broken.

She could feel the bruising, when she prodded at the flesh, she could feel it, tender and damaged and killing her and-

Something smacked Five hard across the face.

It took a moment for the pain to hit.

She gripped her cheek, looking at Sara.

“That got you to stop panicking didn’t it?”

Five didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. Honestly, right now Five wasn’t too sure what to do.

She could breathe though.

Five got her throat working again.

“You good?” Sara asked.

Five swallowed, testing out the pain. She nodded.

“Good, you just sit there, I’ll check the bodies.”

The bodies, right, the bodies of the people Five had killed.

God, it was so similar. The ambush, the blood, the anger. With two dead and Five alive and why was she alive it just doesn’t make sense.

“Five!”

Five blinked, looking up at Sara, her expression telling enough that she had said Five’s name a few times.

“You with me?”

Five nodded.

“Keep it together, Five.”

Keep it together.

Five stood, “What do we do with them?” She signed, struggling through the shaking.

“Leave them.”

“I thought there was three of them.”

“There was. The third guy tried me, honestly, I’m a little offended they thought you needed two and I one,” Sara said.

Five didn’t laugh at that.

Sara sighed, looking Five over. “Come on, let’s get you home before that arm of your bleeds out.”

Five nodded.

The run home felt numb, she wasn’t even aware they made it back until the gates made the noise and Sara dragged Five inside. She didn’t miss the way she led Five to the farmhouse and not the hospital, nor did she make an effort to get Maxine. In fact, Sara made a point of keeping them not seen.

They arrived at the Farmhouse, empty as Janine and the Major were still in the comm shack, and Sara seemed to know her way around without them. She dragged Five upstairs and set her down on the edge of a bathtub.

Sara had Five pull off her shirt, leaving her sat in her trousers and sports bra.

“Give me your hands.”

Five didn’t move, so Sara had to reach forward and grab them.

She washed the blood from them, not caring if she aggravated the bruising or ripped skin, scrubbing away with the intensity of someone cleaning a particularly stubborn saucepan. She took Five’s wrist, pulled off the ripped and bloody ribbon, tossing it onto the pile of bloody clothes, and moved the stab wound on Five’s forearm under the tap, running freezing water over it, blood filling the sink then grabbed a flannel and started to wipe down Five’s face.

Five heard the door downstairs go, Janine and the Major returning from the shack.

After she checked the bruising on Five’s ribs and body and pulled open her pack, putting something in Five’s lap. A suture kit.

“Doc told you how to use one?” Sara said.

Five nodded.

“Great, get to it, I’ll be back, need to talk to the Major about something.”

Five watched her leave.

She turned the tap off and held the stab wound up to her face, it was still weeping a little, but not terrible.

It hurt something awful, but she could at least still move her hand.

Five always made a point of keeping her knife sharp, she was grateful for it now. Better a clean stab wound than a jagged one.

What a weird life to lead, debating the pros of certain stabbings.

Five pulled out the disinfectant from the kit, grit her teeth and cleaned the wound, she was starting to get used to this burning pain. Then she got the suture kit ready and got to work.

After the first few stitches, it stopped hurting so much, a numbness settling in.

Knotting the stitch with one hand, however, was tough.

And now for the other side.

A form darkened the light from the doorway, Sara leaned on the frame and watched Five coolly.

“Despite the botched-up job of a mission, we did get the information we needed from the bodies.” Sara started without prompting. “The Major is planning an attack on the plant that made the tone device in the next few days, it’ll probably be tomorrow evening as it won’t give Van Ark time to prepare.”

Five carried on with her stitching.

“She’s very impressed with you,” Sara continued, sounding unimpressed herself. “There’s talk you’ll lead the recon group with a specialist -probably Archie - and I’ll take a decoy team with Evan and some NC runners.”

Five laughed coldly.

Sara sighed. “How do you feel?”

Five nodded at her occupied hands, she couldn’t really talk right now.

Sara squinted. “So, you lost the voice again then?”

Five opened her mouth, tested for a word, then closed it when it wouldn’t come. She went back to stitching up the exit wound.

“Funny, how it came back to you when you were scared.” Sara folded her arms. “Is that the first time it happened?”

Five shook her head.

“And the other times…were you scared too?”

When Sam had looked at her like he thought she would kill him, still caught in the terror of a dream...yeah, she had been scared then.

She nodded and tried to knot the stitches, hands shaking too much to do it. Sara tutted loudly, taking the tools and finishing the work in silence, sitting down on the edge of the toilet seat.

Five tensed her hand a few times whilst Sara bandaged her arm, the muscles hurting but still able to use it.

“So…how do you feel?” Sara asked again, tying off the bandage.

“I don’t feel anything.”

“Nothing?”

Five searched for emotion, she just came up numb. That same hollow numbness. At the time she had been freaked, but now, now Five felt an unusual serenity. She didn’t like it.

She nodded.

Sara leaned forward on her knees. “Do you feel bad, for killing those people?”

Five took a long time to think about it. “No.” she couldn't feel bad when she felt nothing.

“Then what got you so upset back in the warehouse?”

Lining up the words to make sense was tough. Especially the more she thought about it the more felt that rise in panic again. “I just keep on living…don’t I?”

It was an odd way of phrasing it. But it was it. Every time Five panicked was because she became so horrifyingly aware that she was alive when others were not. When things moved fast enough for her to be aware.

The panic on her birthday, the panic when Nadia tried to have her killed. This one. She didn’t get the connection till now.

Five was panicked by being alive.

That was ironic.

Sara studied her face for a very long time, until eventually, she nodded, leaning back. “I’ve found that there are two types of people. Those who can kill, and those who can’t. It’s not a matter of if you’re good or bad, it’s just a simple toss of the coin, heads and tails. More people can kill, with the right push, than you think. Even Sammy is capable of killing in the right circumstance. He hasn’t said, but we all know he killed his parents.”

Five felt an ache in her. She wanted to see Sam so bad right now. She wanted to see his smile, to see something good.

“You’re a killer Five, no shame in that,” Sara continued. “There is shame in letting it consume you.”

Five frowned, it wasn’t the killing that scared her. It was the killing for her life that did.

Sara tapped her leg. “What have I told you about working on your poker face.”

Five schooled her features.

“You need to keep a tight-nit on your feelings, they’ll only slow you down, keep them close, and keep them hidden, else they’ll leave you vulnerable and raw, do you understand me?”

Five nodded.

“Now I’m not saying be heartless, I’m just saying, don’t let them rule you. Take our dear Sammy again, he is tortured by what he’s had to do, and will be tortured for most of his life, and because of that, if the time comes for him to kill again to survive, he will probably slip, and fail.”

Five wouldn’t let that happen.

“But you Five, if you don’t let it hold you, don’t let it consume you, you won’t have to worry about slipping up, because when the time comes again, and it will come again, you’ll know what to do, you’ll be ready, and you can act accordingly… it’s the only way to be sure you will do what’s right and needs to be done, the only way you can best protect the people you love. Do you understand me?”

Five nodded.

“Good.”

Sara stared at Five. “The Major is pleased with you.”

“My one goal in life.” Five signed sarcastically.

“You’ve gotten an attitude since I went away.”

“Got it just for you.”

Five was a little victorious she got a shot of annoyance into Sara’s neutral expression. “You need to stop with this anti-authority stuff. We know you’re not really military, we shouldn’t be treating you as such, but you’re all we’ve got, so you should really stop complaining and do your duty.”

“I’ve never complained.”

Sara cocked her head. “Maybe not in so many words, but you sure do drag your feet when it comes to taking orders. You are a very promising young woman, you could do a lot of good if you actually took responsibility for yourself and others. But if you keep trying to assert this rebellious streak, you’re going to get someone you love killed.”

Five didn’t know how to respond to that.

“So, what are my orders, SIR?” she signed, fingerspelling out the last word slowly.

Sara’s expression stayed cool. It was a lot to hope for two instances of obvious annoyance. “Right now,” Sara started. “They are to get some sleep. I’ll come get you in the morning.”

Five gave Sara a mock salute.

“Do that again,” Sara scolded. “Just try it.”

Five glowered at Sara.

“Poker face, Five,” Sara said, then her expression shifted into something softer. “Go on now, get some sleep. You’re lucky you only came away from that fight with a stab wound and a few bruised ribs, but the adrenaline will wear off soon and you are going to crash.”

Five stood looking at the pile of bloody clothes on the floor, including her blood-soaked and ripped ribbon.

Sara followed her gaze. “Don’t worry about that, I’ll get it cleaned up for you. Oh, and if anyone asks, tell them we got ambushed by bandits on a training run, but maybe put a bit of effort into hiding those bruises.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, thanks for reading to the end! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even if it was super angsty (and I'm sorry, it's gonna get even angstier for a bit)  
> Stay safe out there xx


	21. You get a knife in the back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR SEASON TWO SPOILERS  
> S2 M18  
> CW: mild self-harm, Violence, Cannon character death, references to torture, grief, this is just not a fluffy chapter...
> 
> Oh and for those who asked here's the link to that playlist!  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6nI7EXzYOWdjMTmMDo7mPA

Sam crashed into Janine’s kitchen, his shoe still not fully on.

“I’m here,” he announced, feeling a little cornered by all the faces staring at him.

“You’re late Mister Yao,” Janine said, not looking up from the table, the Major, Sara, and Evan leaning over her shoulders.

Sam nodded. “I know, I know, but in my defence, I only knew about it five minutes ago,” he approached the table, looking over the maps they had laid out.

“I left a note for you hours ago, you should have seen it when you woke up.”

Sam ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, well, I only woke up five minutes ago.”

Janine shook her head and turned back to the table. “New Canton has agreed to send all runners they can spare for this mission, the bigger we can make the decoy the better.” She pointed at the Jeffro complex. “If we convince Van Ark we are raiding this in order to clear out info then he won’t suspect Runner Five and Ms Jensen approaching Dunderwood Village.”

The Major nodded. “How is Five?” she asked, turning to Sara.

“Okay, she’s sleeping in, best to let her rest till we need her,” Sara said.

“Is there something wrong with Five?” Sam asked, realising now that Five’s door had been closed this morning, she usually left it open if she was awake.

“She’s a little worn down,” Sara said.

Sam didn’t like the sound of that. Something had happened, but before he could ask another question Sara spoke again.

“Has Archie agreed to be the specialist,” Sara asked.

Janine hummed. “We have yet to ask, we don’t want to convey news of the real intent behind this attack over potentially unsecured channels, we will let her know when the NC soldiers arrive.”

“Which is when?” Evan asked.

“In about an hour.”

“What time is this mission taking place,” Sam asked, trying to fill in the blanks.

“We’re going to aim for deployment at sixteen-hundred hours” Janine stated. “It will give you plenty of time to go over the mission parameters, Mister Yao.”

Sam looked at the pile of notes for the mission parameters. “I’m sure.”

* * *

Five stared at her door. It had been two hours since Sara came to check on her and told her to go back to sleep, the tea and bowl of porridge she left cold on the floor by her feet. Despite the absolute dead set exhaustion, she just couldn’t bring herself to do anything.

She heard Sam leave about an hour ago, and she had been far too tempted to open the door and ask for his company, but he ran out faster than she could decide.

So, she sat on her floor, leaning against the side of her bed, staring at the door, waiting for the moment someone would get her and ask something of her.

She couldn’t get the images out of her head, the empty look to their faces, the warmth to their skin, they kept just flashing, pushing out any other thoughts she had.

What had Sara meant when she would be leading a group for a mission today, Five wasn’t a leader, how was she supposed to do that when all she could keep thinking about was the way the knife tore through ribs.

Five pressed her head to her knees.

She had said she felt nothing, she _had_ felt nothing last night, why was she feeling now. What happened to that comfortable numbness that came with Chris and Maggie? It was a dishonour to them that she felt more for these strangers than she did for them.

Five was a bad person.

And for that she didn’t deserve to sit here and sulk, she had a job to do, if they found out more about this device, maybe they could turn the tide on Van Ark, figure out why Paula was working for him, maybe get her back for Maxine.

Five didn’t get to be upset when there were so many other bigger problems she had to help solve.

Digging her thumb into the wound on her arm, Five grit her teeth, zoning in on the pain, focussing herself.

She was alive, and it wasn’t fair, so what she had to do was make it worthwhile. If Five got to live when others didn’t, she should at least do something.

Her thumb pressed harder into the wound, blood seeping through the bandage, pain setting her teeth on edge.

She took a deep breath and stood, getting dressed. She wore the one high collar jacket she owned, hiding the black marks on her neck. She couldn’t hide the bruises on her face, but people had stopped asking about those when Sara came back, they trained often enough for it to be common.

Satisfied, Five laced up her boots and left, she needed to be ready for this attack. She couldn't fail. 

The walk to the training grounds was tough, her body was still stiff and hadn’t warmed up yet. Hopefully, by the time the mission started, she’d be used to this new pain.

New Canton runners filled the streets, many chatting quietly in small groups, debating why they were called in, waiting for information, some just basking in the late April sun. Five got a few odd looks from some of them, her reputation with New Canton still uneasy despite her grudging apology to the guards.

If it wasn’t for Archie the cool dislike would probably be more of an outward hostility. Which Five might have preferred, at least she knew where she was with outward hostility.

Five found Archie easy enough, she was leaning against Jamie as they chatted, Archie pressing her cheek to his arm, one hand in his, the other wrapped around his upper arm.

“Runner Five! Good morning,” Archie yelled, waving Five over.

Five plastered on a smile. “Morning! Jamie, is there a reason you’re gracing us with your presence?”

Jamie’s eyes flicked to the bruise on Five’s temple, he grimaced. “You look like shit, Five.”

Five laughed – she hoped they couldn’t hear how shrill it was - Archie playfully hitting his arm.

“Don’t be rude, babe,” Archie said.

“Well she does,” Jamie continued.

“You do look very tired,” Archie agreed, also looking to the bruises. “Not sleeping okay?”

Five shrugged. “You know how these things are.” She signed, trying for an air of casualness. “Jamie, why are you here?”

Archie smiled. “I asked him here.”

“So, you can be a battle couple or something?” Five asked.

Jamie scowled at her. “I hope there isn’t a battle. Do you have any idea what’s going on?”

Five shook her head. “No clue, sorry,” she lied.

He sighed loudly. “Higher-ups never want to tell you what’s going on till the last minute.”

“I’m sure it is very important,” Archie said. “They wouldn’t have so many runners otherwise.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Jamie said. “I shouldn’t have come.”

“But who else am I going to get such a motivational presence from,” Five signed.

Jamie took a while to read the signs -still a fair beginner at it - he squinted. “I’m an idiot.”

“No disagreement from me,” Five said smiling.

* * *

“Five? You might want to pick up the pace,” Sam said.

Five blew out a hard breath making the whistle screech as she ran around the electronics factory, being sure not to let her foot get caught in the crumbling pavement. This area had terrible flooding recently.

“I know running is tiring, and whistling – running and whistling, really not a great combo – but the zombs are starting to gain on you. Wait until you’re at the lych gate to whistle again, and Archie? Maybe, you know, hurry it up a bit? Runner Five can’t keep going forever.”

Does Sam know just how tired she really was?

“But it is all so very interesting!” Archie announced.

Maxine sighed. “What does it say, Archie? We aren’t mind readers.”

Five hopped over an overflowing drain.

“The neural networks, once operationalized, can be remotely rerouted using subsonic frequency transmissions,” Archie said.

That was interesting, let’s hope she didn’t accidentally whistle the new tone.

“Layman’s terms, Runner Twenty,” the Major ordered.

“He’s using aural signals to rewrite the brain’s own architecture so that it responds to different aural signals,” Archie explained.

“You’re saying he can change the tone response in zombs remotely?” Maxine asked. “By sending out a different tone?”

“Exactly! It is called recursion – very clever! Also-,” a new tone vibrated through the headset, shaking Five’s skull.

The groans behind her died.

Five stopped running, the zombies behind her dead in their tracks. Then, ambling, they spun and bolted towards the factory.

 _Sam,_ she tapped out, pointing her headcam at the horde charging away from her.

Archie continued to ramble. “Oh, yes, that is exactly how he would change the tone. Did the zombies respond, Sam? That is very important data.”

“Get out of there right now,” Sam yelled. “The zombs have stopped chasing, Five. They’re all running towards the lab entrance – every single one of them”

_Oh no._

A giant horde heading straight for Archie. She was going to be trapped in, she was going to die. Five needed to get to her.

Five ran after them, blowing her whistle loudly, waving her arms wildly.

“Keep whistling, Five! There must be something they’ll respond to,” Sam said.

Five couldn’t catch up, she wasn’t fast enough, her legs burned, her chest hurt to breathe. Fuck, she was tired.

“And Archie? Archie, you’re going to have to stop running. The zombs are at the door, it’s too late to get out. Just barricade yourself in, sit tight, and we’ll… we’ll find a way.”

Five grabbed some rocks and started hurling them at the dead.

“We’ll get you out of there,” Sam continued. “Yes, yes, Five, that’s good! Maybe if you can get their attention –

“Oh, that’s not going to work, Sam. They’re not interested in Five, they have their own instructions,” Maxine said.

The Major swore. “Blast it! Van Ark knew we were coming.”

“Yeah, but like, how? We haven’t transmitted any intel,” he chocked. “We haven’t even told most people at Abel.”

Five grabbed a giant rock and hurled it at the back of a dead man’s head. It hit with a crunch, the zombie not bothered.

“No need to worry. I am still here, and the door is locked, and-,” Archie paused, voice dripping with forced optimism. She was scared. “Well, they are clawing at it really quite strong, but I have time. I have read all those papers, and the machines are here. My supervisor at Cambridge was always impressed by how I could assimilate information super quickly, even when I seemed… what was it he said? ‘To be thinking of nothing and talking out of rot.’ I’ll read the papers, and I will find something.”

 _Sam?_ Five tapped out, trying to skirt around the giant horde, she couldn’t push in without risking getting scratched at.

Sam started whistling. “No, no, that’s not-,” he tried a different tone. “Yes, yes, that’s it! Try that, Five, try – that’s the tone controlling them now.”

Five tentatively tried the new whistle.

“Ugh, they’re ignoring it, and they’re nearly through the door.”

Maxine sighed. “Van Ark’s changed the pitch as well as the tone. They won’t respond to our dog whistles at all anymore.”

Five grabbed at a zombie’s arm, trying to pull them back, it whacked her hard in her ribs, right on the bruise from the bat. It took a lot of effort not to cry out as she stumbled back.

“So what? What do we do? I am not leaving Archie there to die, that is not happening,” Sam said.

_He’s panicking, oh god he’s panicking._

“Archie is taking care of herself, Sam,” Archie piped in. “Following through the diagram here, I have already recoded this device, and now-,” a new tone sounded, and as if someone turned off the power, each zombie just crumpled in a heap.

 _Like the destroy ending in Mass effect._ Five thought dumbly to herself. _Focus that’s not helping anyone._

“Has it worked?” Archie asked. “Tell me if my idea was so clever after all.”

“It has! You’re a genius, Archie! The zombs have all fallen down, it’s like you cut their strings.”

_Or a Reaper._

Five shook her head.

“I don’t know what you did, but-,”

Archie cut Maxine off. “Well, I replaced the chips in this device with the ones from that case, and broadcast a reset code for the five main functions-,”

“Explanations later,” the Major interrupted. “Priority now is getting out. Five will drag the zombs clear of the door.” _Oh will Five?_ “Twenty, then you can shoot through. Chop chop, no time to waste.”

She rolled out her shoulders, trying to ignore the thrumming pain in her side and got to work.

Climbing over the horde was tough work, they had all sort of piled up on each other, arms and legs and heads tangled together.

And the smell, god the smell.

Four zombies had fallen on the door, collapsed in a way that jammed it from the inside. Five grabbed the collar of the top one, her arm flashed white-hot pain as she hurled it back. It crunched into a few more.

She had to grab the feet of the second, shifting her body weight just to move it away from the third and fourth.

She was sweating badly when she finally cleared the space, feeling a tad feverish.

It shouldn’t have taken that much effort.

She cradled her bad arm to her chest and moved away from the small clearing.

“Okay, Archie, we’re nearly there. Runner Five’s dragged four zombs clear of the doorway. You should be able to push it open and get out,” Sam said, sounding a little odd.

“And look,” Maxine said, voice stern. “Getting out and safe is a priority. If you can grab any of that research-,”

“I have all the research in my head,” Archie said. “It’s very simple. Fourier analysis explains most of it quite well. I think there are only eight main functions, with many subfunctions available using subtle modulations.”

Five lost her footing on a corpse and had to stumble back a little further to find somewhere stable to stand.

Archie continued to ramble, still not at the door. “I have taken a lot of the paper, and one of those machines that is not broken. Mmhmm… we might be able to brute force it, jamming the control tones, and using… hmm."

Another tone, lower, deeper.

“They’re changing it again,” Archie yelled.

The bodies under Five’s feet started to move, hundreds of forms scrambling up, pressing on her.

“Wait! I have seen this pattern.” Archie continued.

She panicked and tripped onto her knees, the churn of bodies moving around her.

_No no no no._

“I can reset it if I just pull out this chip, and-,”

Five put her hands over her ears, legs kicking into her, hands fumbling at her sides.

“No, no! They’re getting up,” Sam started. “They’re all getting up – Archie.”

Archie screams ripped through the headset, something abruptly cutting them off.

“Runner Five, get out now. That’s an order,” the Major said.

_No no no no no_

“No, Runner Five won’t leave Archie! You can still – you can still reach her. They’re ignoring you, you can save her,” Sam said.

Five was imagining things, she was imaging the sound of that helicopter, the groping fingers, the feeling of plummeting.

“Oh my God. Is that-,” Maxine stammered.

“It’s Van Ark,” Sam said. “I can see him hanging out the side of that helicopter, and they’re… Five’s too far behind. You’ve got to get out of there, now, Five, run! Those zombs are passing Archie up to him. I think she’s unconscious. I mean, she can’t be dead, can she? They wouldn’t bother if she was dead?”

Archie, right, she had to protect Archie.

Five wobbled up, shoving her way through the bodies, squinting up at the helicopter drifting above her.

“She’s alive, Sam,” Maxine said. “Van Ark wanted her alive. That’s what this was all about, this whole setup! A mind like hers will be invaluable to him.”

No, she wouldn’t let Van Ark have her. Archie was her friend, she couldn’t abandon her friend.

Enraged, Five started shoving her way through bodies, throwing them aside, she would save Archie.

“Withdraw, Runner Five,” the Major said. “We are not losing you, too.”

Five ignored her, kicking off a kid zombie.

She almost got within grabbing distance to the edge of the chopper when Van Ark’s pilot raised it out of shooting range, Van Ark gripping Archie’s body.

He gave her a mock salute. “Thank you, Abel runner, for delivering my package! Hope you’re not offended that this is a flying visit, but you know how it is. Places to be, people to… question.”

No. She failed. She’d been too slow. And now Archie-

“Come home, Five. You did everything you could.”

She really hadn’t. If she hadn’t had panicked-

_Calm and collected._

Five took a deep breath and shoved her way out of the horde. She could still fix this, she could still get Archie back. And maybe she could kill Van Ark too.

* * *

Night was setting in, a cool and clear. The full moon meant it was easy for them to see, but it also meant they were more likely to get spotted. It had been hours since Van Ark kidnapped Archie.

Jamie helped Five up a wall, leaping down to the other side before she got her footing.

She could still hear his yelling ringing her ears. A barrage of _how could you_ and _what were you thinking_ and _why did you leave Arch alone_.

Five knew. She knew if she had been better this wouldn’t have happened.

But they still had a chance to fix this, and she wasn’t going to fail. She just couldn’t.

She jumped down from the wall and followed behind Jamie, scooting around alley’s towards the area Archie was held.

“No, there’s always a choice.” Archie sneered, voice staticky through the headset, croaked from screaming. “I do not like you, I think. You’re worse than him, in a kind of way. At least he knows what he’s doing is wrong.”

Maxine gasped a little.

Archie continued. “You’re still trying to persuade yourself it’s right! I do not want to talk to you anymore. Bring him back.”

_No, Archie, we need more time._

Jamie swore. “That’s it. We’re setting the charges to take out this wall. I’m going in before Van Ark gets back and gets to hurting her.”

He looked back at Five, giving her a nod to take watch whilst he pulled out the charges from his pack.

“We can’t just-,” Janine cut herself off. “Mister Skeet, a battle plan has been formulated. We have a chance to – well. This is bigger than all of us. This is the future of the human race.”

“You ain’t got no choice! I’m going in. And there ain’t no human race, there’s only people. Archie’s my people, and I’m getting her out. You’re with me, ain’t you, Five?”

Five nodded. Screw orders, she was going to fix this without the approval of the damn higher-ups.

“There’s only two buildings that signal can be coming from,” Jamie said, pointing at the two buildings across the street, separated by a yard and walled fence.

He dropped three charges into Five’s hands. “Help me put the charges around them walls, then over there. We can bring the wall down, crack open that building like a nut and scoop Archie out the middle.”

“He’ll retreat, just like he did before,” Janine said. “We’ll have gained nothing, Mister Skeet! We can’t possibly just act on one man’s desires-,”

“No, he’s right,” Maxine interrupted. “Go in, Jamie. Get her. Paula and Van Ark will leave in the chopper. Just go.”

Maxine sounded resigned.

_I promise Maxine, I’ll get you Paula too._

Jamie quickly showed Five how to set off a charge. “Come on, Five. Let’s do it right.”

They darted across the street, fast and silent, Jamie surprisingly light on his feet despite his size.

There headsets connected to Archie’s transmitter again.

“No. Don’t. Don’t do it again,” she begged.

Van Ark tutted. “Then are you willing to tell me what I want to know?”

Archie gasped. “Yes, I… yes.”

“Good girl.” _What a fucking prick._ “Now, what is the Major planning to do with all the barrels of chemicals she brought back with her from the north?”

 _Barrels?_ Five hadn’t heard anything about barrels.

She and Jamie shared a look as they set the final charge.

“I… I… don’t-,” Archie stammered.

“Come now, I know she’s planning something. They’ve started to encrypt their net chatter. Terribly cumbersome. What are they planning?” Van Ark asked.

“They have a plan-”

Jamie hissed at Five, waving his hand frantically.

“Get your ass over here, Five!” Five dived towards him. “Two more seconds and it all goes-,”

The explosion made her ears ring.

Jamie was far more versed in them, he was back on his feet faster than Five realised and grabbed her bad arm, dragging her through the crumbling walls.

“Alright, we’re going in,” he raised his elbow to his face, letting go of Five’s throbbing arm, coughing harshly. “It’s smoky, but it don’t matter. Won’t kill us. It’ll confuse them. Left here. Five! That’s the main corridor. We’re close, I can feel-,” He kicked down the door with practised ease, opening it into an empty room. “Oh no! They ain’t here! Must be the building on the other side of the yard. Come on, run!

Five bolted out of the door into the yard, pressing her back to the wall separating the two buildings, cupping her hands to help give Jamie a leg up.

“Paula! It’s New Canton, come to get this useless bitch,” Van Ark coughed.

 _Call her bitch one more time._ Five thought.

Jamie practically jumped from her hand, quickly grabbing Five’s arm to haul her up and over after him.

“Yes, Mulholland, bring the chopper down, eastern quadrant. We’re under attack. Quickly! Paula, stop fussing with her and come with me. Hurry!”

Five’s ankles throbbed as she leapt down from the wall, following the blur that was Jamie across the rest of the yard.

Paula groaned. “But she’s – I think she’s passed out. The device, the explosion, and the-,”

“She wasn’t going to tell me anything useful. She’s no use to us now. No point leaving witnesses to – get out of the way.”

“No, no, no!” Jamie muttered, picking up his speed.

Five’s feet pounded the earth, putting her entire strength into the dead sprint.

“But what are you-,” Paula started.

“Come on, Five! We can stop this!”

Something sounded like someone was getting shoved. “Get out of the way,” Van Ark ordered.

“We’ve got to stop this,” Jamie cried out, crashing into the door leading to the second building.

He kicked it off the hinges but not opening it.

Five grabbed the splintered frame, hands cutting against the jagged wood, throwing her weight back to get it open.

“No! No, you can’t just – She’s unconscious,” Paula yelled.

Jamie charged through the open door, Five hot on his heels. They might just make it they might just-

Two gunshots.

 _No_.

Van Ark made a noise. “And that’s that. Come along, Paula.”

Jamie stopped dead in the corridor, about to head down some stairs. “No.”

He shook his head, wobbling a little. “No no no.”

He practically fell down the stairs, not caring about all the smoke coming from within, leaping the last few steps.

Five charged after him.

_She’s not dead. She’s okay, she’s okay, she’s okay._

Five tripped into the wall at the bottom of the steps, barely seeing Jamie dart into another wall at the end of the corridor.

The smoke was a lot, it was hard to breathe, let alone see. Five pulled her shirt up over her mouth and pushed on after him.

 _Please let her be okay_.

Five got halfway down the corridor when Jamie screamed.

It was deep, wrenching, something low, and heavy and almost inhuman.

Certain.

Archie was dead.

“Oh god,” Sam muttered.

Five slowed.

Her shoulders heaved. She didn’t want to go in that room, she didn’t want to see.

She could imagine it, two shots, that close, to the head. It would be a mess.

 _She_ would be a mess.

How dare he.

How dare Van Ark kill an unconscious woman in such a manner. How dare he stand and act like it was nothing. How dare he.

Five wanted to rip him limb from limb. She wanted to watch the blood drain from his face as she sliced through his heart.

Five wanted to make him scream the way he made Archie.

She drew her pistol.

If they only just left, they had to have left another way.

They had to be near.

She spun, hurling herself back up the stairs, checking the weapon as she sprinted.

“Five?”

Five slammed out of the building, listening for the sounds of the chopper.

There...a deep thrum, on the other side of the building.

Someone was talking to her through her headset, but Five really didn’t care. She was going to make Van Ark pay.

He was using Paula as a shield as they ran towards the chopper across an overgrown park, cowering.

How dare he.

Five raised her gun and bolted after them, aiming at the window to the pilot.

It cracked the grass but didn’t go through, she wasn’t close enough.

She kept running.

“Careful you might hit Paula!”

Five aimed at the glass again, shattering it this time.

“Someone shoot back,” Van Ark yelled. "Take that bitch down."

Two goons poked their rifles out of the chopper.

One fell out with a headshot a second later.

“Five!”

She aimed for the second goon, about to take the shot when Paula – helping Van Ark scramble into the chopper – got in the way.

“Don’t shoot, that’s an order,” the Major said.

Five took another shot at the pilot’s window, but the chopper had started to lift off and she just grazed the metal side.

“Stand down, Runner Five.”

Five emptied her magazine into the side of the chopper.

The pistol clicked to tell her she was out of ammo. Fuck, she should have counted her shots. Five lowered it and begun to reload.

“Five,” Sam said softly.

She clicked everything into place and raised the pistol, the helicopter drifting further away.

If she could just get the right angle. If she could just-

“Five, please stop.”

The gun shook, her sights watching the chopper grow smaller.

Five’s finger tensed on the trigger.

“Five?”

She swallowed, hard.

She’d failed.

Again.

 _Again_.

Five lowered the pistol.

How had she failed again?

* * *

He picked at the stray thread on Five’s quilt, sat in the dark, debating if he should just leave.

He tried to will himself to stand up, to move, to walk to his bedroom and curl up in his own bed and ignore the world.

He couldn’t, he just couldn’t.

He could still hear her screams. The way her voice cracked, the way she tried to talk her way out of it. The snark to her comments, the hatred in her voice to Paula.

The screams.

Oh god, the screams.

He was fed up, fed up of hearing people die, fed up of having only the sounds of death the last memories he had of people. He hated it.

He raised his hands, holding them out flat in front of him, watching them shake.

If he had been a better operator, if he had used his brain instead of just panicking then maybe they would have gotten to Archie in time.

Maybe she wouldn’t have been caught in the first place.

The door clicked open.

Sam looked up at the noise. Five was stood in her doorway, light from the common area framing her face, still covered in soot and ash from Jamie’s explosion.

It had been hours since she got back with the body.

Jamie had carried it the whole way, the full five kilometres he had carried Archie’s corpse. Even when they sent Ed out with a cart on the back of his bike, he refused to part with it.

Hours it had been since the corpse with the covered head had been carried through the gates. Since Sam saw the blood seeping through the jacket Five had put over Archie’s face because it was bad enough that neither of them wanted to see it.

Hours since Jamie had collapsed from exhaustion and had to be carried himself to the hospital to rest.

Hours since he decided to hide in Five’s room because for some reason he couldn’t sleep until he apologised.

She closed the door, stepping forward, eyes lowering to his trembling hands.

He wanted to explain, why he was here, that he was sorry, that it was his fault. If he had just been a better operator then Archie would-

But he just couldn’t get the words out.

“Five, I-,”

Five took his hands in hers, squeezing them together, holding them tightly, clasped between her own.

They still shook, even despite the pressure, despite the connection.

Whatever barrier he had up broke, he chocked, raising her hands to his forehead. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so so sorry.”

Five removed one hand from his, placing it on the back of his head, stroking his hair, shushing him.

It was so gentle.

Sam started to cry. “I’m so sorry.”

She knelt, pulling him into a hug, pressing her cheek to his, still stroking his hair with one hand, holding his hands with the other.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, breathing in the smell of smoke and dirt on her. The tell-tale smell of iron in blood.

Sam rested his head on her shoulder, weeping gently. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”

He could feel her shake her head.

Sam kept crying, kept sobbing. He sobbed for Archie, for Jamie, for the look on Maxine’s face when she heard Paula’s voice, for the way Five smelt of smoke and death, for this whole stupid fucked up situation they had found themselves in.

“I should have been better.”

Five shushed him, tangling her fingers into his hair.

Sam continued to cry, he kept crying until it hurt, until his head started to throb and his throat stung.

He exhausted himself he cried so much.

He must have fallen asleep, propped against her, crying into her shoulder, because he blinked and he was on his side, the smell of her caught in the quilt he lay on.

It took a while for him to remember why his brain felt like it was burning, and for a moment he thought he just woke up to a bad day.

But the reason why came back, and his brain caught fire.

Sam squinted against the dark, his hand resting on something warm, fingers slipped between his.

Five was on the floor, leaning against the drawers that acted as a bedside table, Sam’s hand on her shoulder, gripped loosely in hers as she slept.

He didn’t understand, Archie was her friend too, in fact, they were closer, yet she was the one comforting him.

She was too good for him.

Sam had gotten her friend killed and she had held _him_ as _he_ wept.

He wanted to pull her up onto the bed, to hold her close to his chest, to beg for her forgiveness. He wanted to feel the weight of her against him, to let her know that he is so incredibly sorry for his failings. How could he, how could he let Archie die?

She didn’t seem peaceful, her brows were furrowed, face slightly anguished, breathing rapid, and Sam realised rather dumbly, she was having a nightmare.

_Of course, she is, she just heard her friend die and had to comfort the person who got her killed._

Sam edged closer to the side of the bed, being sure not to move so much as to wake her, reaching out with his free hand, cupping her cheek, skin slightly feverish.

Five shifted, turning into his touch ever so slightly.

“Shhh, It’s okay, Five, I’m here,” he whispered to the dark, voice hoarse from his tears. “Not that you want me here huh?”

Sam pulled his hand back, resting it on the one on her shoulder, running his thumb over her bruised knuckles. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-,” he chocked up. “I didn’t mean for it to…to go like that.”

He took a moment, the lump in his throat getting worse.

“I didn’t…oh god I’m so sorry,” he said. “Oh christ, this isn’t helping the bad dreams at all, stupid Sam, okay, god.” He curled in tighter squeezing her hand in his.

“God, I don’t know what to say,” he said. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to help, I…I wish I could make things better for you. I wish you trusted me enough to tell me why you’re hurting…you know, despite the obvious, I wish we met before any of this shit happened. I bet I would have really liked you…whoever you were. We could have…God I don’t even know who you are.”

He sniffed. “I want to though.” He laughed humourlessly. “I really really want too.”

He tried to get his breathing back under control, realising that Five’s features were getting more pained. “I’m making it worse. I…” _come on Sam_. “Five I-,”

Five’s head shifted forward sharply, eyes opening wide, bleary and scared.

She took a few ragged breaths, raising her free hand to her head, exhausted. It was in this brief moment, when Five didn’t think she was being watched, Sam realised just how much she was hurting. She pressed the palm of her hand into her eye, face a picture of pain.

Her sleeve fell down a little and Sam caught the edge of a bandage on her wrist. She’d gotten hurt and she’d slept on the floor for him.

“Five?”

She lowered her hand, turning to look at him, hopping up onto her knees but still holding his hand.

“Bad dream?” Sam asked.

Five frowned, looking panicked.

Sam sat up, leaning against the windowpane. “You didn’t wake me, don’t worry,” he said. Her features softened.

Sam was about to open his mouth and say sorry again, but he really didn’t want to try and think about his own guilt. He wanted to know if she was okay.

“How you doing?”

She wiggled her free hand, palm flat. _Not great._

Sam patted the space next to him, pulling her up onto the bed. She had to let go of his hand for a moment and Sam nearly panicked.

Five noticed, because when she got comfortable, sat next to him, she quickly slipped her fingers between his again, leaning her shoulder against his, wrapping her other hand around his upper arm.

She’s trying so hard, even though he knew she found touch difficult, she was still trying for him. He started to cry again.

Five rested her head on his shoulder, holding him closer. And that made him cry more.

“This sucks,” he said, wiping the tears from his cheeks with the hem of his sleeve. “This really sucks.”

She rubbed his upper arm a few times. “Yeah, it really fucking does.” She said into the quiet, her voice just as gravelly as before, but far softer than he thought it could be. “Sucks less with you.”

Overwhelmed, Sam turned and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, her hair still smelling of smoke.

She tensed, her breath getting shaky for a second before she squeezed his hand and adjusted to lean harder against him.

Sam rested his head on hers, thoughts too loud to let himself relax. He just sat there, staring at the door, letting time pass, thinking things through over and over and-

Five’s breathing got heavier.

Sam moved his head so he could get a look at her face. Asleep, cheek pressed to his shoulder, hand still in his, looking like all the sleep in the world couldn't fix how tired she was.

He’d failed her.

Oh god, he failed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was a long chapter! I hope you enjoyed it, it was tough to write...  
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading!  
> Stay safe out there!


	22. Gone, I'm Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Spoilers for this chapter that wouldn't have happened in the previous one.  
> CW: Panic, grief, discussions of death, mild self-harm

Sam woke up alone, pillow propped under his head, teddy in his arms.

It took him a moment to realised he was in Five’s bed.

Admittedly something he had thought about – a few times…more than a few - but not like this. Never like this.

Sam sat up, cradling the teddy to his chest, watching Five set down two cups of tea on the side, toothbrush still in her mouth, hair damp and loose. She wasn’t dressed for duty, instead, wearing a high collared t-shirt and denim shorts. And yeah, her arm _was_ bandaged and bruised. As were her legs.

“Five?”

Five turned slightly to him as she cleared up some mess. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” She said through the toothbrush.

She blinked, realising the same moment he did that she just spoke.

“You’re talking.”

Her smile was pinched. “Um…yeah, just to you. Sorry.”

“Just to me?”

Five hesitated and raised her hands. “One moment. Drink your tea.” She signed.

Five rushed out leaving him alone.

He didn’t like that, being alone. It gave him too much time to think, at least with Five here he could focus on her and not on…

Fuck.

Archie.

She came back with a plate of food and placed it in his lap, tucking the toothbrush into her wash bag by the door.

“How you feeling?” She signed.

Sam picked up the toast and marmite.

“You cut it into triangles,” he said. “My mum used to do it like that.”

_Don’t cry again. Don’t cry._

Five laughed. “I could cut the crusts off if you like.”

He smiled, more out of habit than a feeling. “No, I’m a big boy, I think I can handle crusts.”

“My mum used to tell me to eat the crusts otherwise I won’t get curly hair.”

Sam frowned. “I’ve never heard that.”

“Old wives’ tale,” she shrugged. “How you feeling?” she asked again.

Sam put the toast down, taking a while to compile his response. After too long he just settled on with. “Not great.”

Five hummed, sitting down next to him on the bed.

She smelt like lavender and summer, she looked shattered.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Gone eleven,” she signed. “Don’t worry about it, Maxine’s put us both on a two-week leave, so you’re free to sleep as much as you want.”

The toast fell onto the plate. “Oh god, Maxine is she-,”

“Well she’s not great, but she’s coping, had a long chat with me this morning about healthy ways to deal with grief,” Five ran a hand through her damp hair revealing a very vibrant bruise on her temple. “She’s just happy I didn’t shoot Paula.”

“Right,” he mumbled, remembering how long it took for Five to respond, how it took him talking quietly. She’d headshot one guy without blinking and proceeded to empty the gun into the side of the chopper and would have done it again if they didn’t tell her otherwise. “You shot at them.”

Five misread what he meant because she signed. “Don’t worry, the Major’s already yelled at me about it, something about the chain of command and procedure and letting anger getting the better of me.” She chuckled. “I think she’s getting really tired of yelling at me.”

Sam studied Five’s face. “You’re remarkably chipper.”

As if by announcing it, the illusion broke, and her shoulders slumped. “Yeah, there’s a reason Maxine had a long talk with me about grief, apparently making jokes after the death of a friend is not a healthy coping mechanism.”

“Five?”

“And let’s be real, I am not exactly the person you can rely on for healthy coping mechanisms.”

“Five.”

“You want running from problems, I’m your girl but healthy, not my thing.”

He put his hand on her thigh. “Five.”

“What?”

“You can stop.”

Five stared down at his hand. She bowed her head, dropping her hands to cover his. She took a long deep breath. “I d-don’t think it’s really h-hit me yet,” she admitted, voice quiet, stammer in her words.

Sam sighed. “No.”

“It’s like Maggie and Chris,” she continued, talking very slowly, like she was laying down each word carefully before stepping up to them, and even despite the care she still tripped, still stammered. “I still don’t feel anything. I know they are gone but…I want to be sad because that would be something. But it’s…it’s just nothing.”

They sat in silence for a long time.

“You can take some of my sad,” he joked.

She bumped her shoulder into his. “Now who’s making jokes.”

Sam went back to picking at his toast. It was good to have fresh bread, he shouldn’t waste it.

“You should eat,” she signed.

“I don’t have an appetite.”

“Try,” she said. “For me.”

Sam took a bite. It tasted like nothing.

“Maxine said she’s gonna come by and visit later,” Five signed as she spoke, making it easier for him to fill in the words she tripped on. “I told her you were here.”

He sniffed. “I can leave if you-,”

“No,” she said. “No, stay as long as you need.”

Sam nodded, going back to eating his food. “Thank you.”

Silence.

Five crossed her legs under her and started absently poking at some bruises on her calf.

“So, the talking thing?” Sam asked.

She gave him a dead cold laugh. “Yeah,” she said, voice low, not signing anymore, instead her hands gripped her legs tightly enough it had to hurt. “Um…I…uh, it’s taking a lot of effort, and it sort of hurts, but-,” she took a long breath, digging her nails into her skin. “It really hurts. But…but after last night I…I did it with you and…if I try really hard, I can keep doing it.” She made a choking noise. “Just you though, I tried with the others and…I couldn’t.”

Sam smiled slightly, moving the teddy into her lap, thankfully she held that instead, it didn’t make him feel better when he looked at the marks her nails left on her leg though.

“I’m flattered.” He joked, then squeezed her shoulder. “But seriously, I’m proud of you, I can tell it hurts.”

She nodded.

“You have a very nice voice, I’m glad I get to hear it, but please don’t force it.”

She smirked, leaning her head towards him “Not as nice as yours.”

Sam blushed, turning away, clearing his throat as he went back to eating his food.

Five shuffled awkwardly on the bed next to him, fiddling with the teddy’s ears.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Sam asked.

“I got enough,” she said, meaning she got not-enough. She was silent for a long time that Sam thought she finished but she made another choked noise and continued. “You have a very comfy shoulder.”

Sam laughed humourlessly. “You’re welcome to nap on it anytime.”

She hummed.

They went back to a long silence.

“Five?”

“Hmm?”

“What are they doing about…what are they doing with Archie?”

Five stiffened. She tapped his shoulder to get him to look as she signed. “New Canton picked her up, Jamie went with them, they are going to host the funeral in a few days.”

Sam nodded. “Did you see Jamie?”

“Not much.”

“Meaning?”

“He was…crying.”

“Oh.” Sam took another mouthful of the tasteless food. “Simon?”

“He’s gone on one of his long runs, to clear his head.”

“Ah.”

Five wiped the back of her nose with her hand. “You wanna watch a film and curl up in some blankets?”

Sam didn’t need to think about it. “If we could.”

“Good,” She got up, taking extra care to set the teddy down so it was sitting upright next to him, patting its head a few times. “Any preferences?”

Sam shrugged. “Whatever you want.”

Five stared at him for a while. “You’ll be okay on your own?”

Sam didn’t know, but he nodded again.

“Okay…eat your food.”

Five left again and Sam felt himself falling again. His brain started to burn.

He didn’t like that once she left, he felt alone, he didn’t like that he could hardly last a few seconds before it got bad.

It had been like this with Alice, he practically clung to Maxine for the first few days, terrified of what would happen if he were left alone.

It started slow, a small kindling behind his eyes, but the more he became aware of it the more it started to spread until the strange sensation was all he could think about. Just this overwhelming feeling of dread, of existentialism, the idea that they were all finite.

It hurt and it made focussing tough. He barely managed to move the plate onto the floor before it completely consumed him. This deep-set fear, this grief.

The knowledge that no matter how hard he tried, they would all die.

He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He wanted to be held, to be told everything was okay. To ignore the impending doom that came for them all.

Archie was gone.

Just like everyone else would be too and-

“Sam, it’s okay, you’re okay, try and take a deep breath, you’re okay.”

Sam reached out for the voice, pulling them to him, gripping them close. They stroked his hair and shushed him and rubbed his back as he cried, and the fire started to die.

Slowly, with each touch, each shush, each muttering of _it’s okay_ , the burning slowed, receded, and died, leaving embers.

It was still there, but Sam could deal with embers.

He pulled back from the voice, Five kneeling on the bed beside him, arms wrapped around him.

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Sam, it’s okay.”

“I-,” he chocked and pressed his head into her shoulder, tightening his grip on her shirt. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t,” Five said. “I promise.”

Feeling a little better, Sam loosened his grip, pulling back.

He wiped the tears from his face. “God, I’m a mess.”

Five smiled. “It’s fine,” she said, shifting to sit more comfortably. “You feeling any better.”

Sam nodded.

“But not great?”

“Not great.”

“Film?”

He nodded again.

Five turned to look at the laptop and chair she had brought in, moving so she could prop it up for them to watch from the bed.

“There’s a bottle of water under the bed, I think you drink some,” she said quietly.

Sam reached for it and forced himself to drink, not happy about it, but she had asked him so he would.

He made himself busy getting cosy under the blankets, making sure Five had some too when she finished setting it up.

It took him a while to work up the courage to finally ask, but it hurt too much thinking of facing the next few hours without it.

“Five?”

She hummed, crouching to select the menu screen on the laptop.

“This is going to sound so pathetic, but do you think you could do what you did last night, lean on my arm?”

Five turned to look at him.

“I know you only did it to make me feel better but-,”

“Sure.”

“Sure?”

Five’s face turned very red. “Yeah, it was nice.”

Sam smiled a little to himself. Even despite the pain, despite everything, he had this one small thing. And for now, it was enough, she was enough.

Five started the film, kicking off her boots and climbing under the blankets next to him, she hesitated for just a moment, staring at him, but something set in her jaw and she leaned on him, taking his hand in hers, resting against him.

The connection was what he needed, this link to something alive, something real, something he loved. It made the death seem a little more palatable.

* * *

There was a knock on Five’s door.

Sam looked up, he’d been dozing since the film ended, not really sleeping, unlike Five who had passed out about twenty minutes in – runners rule – and was now deeply asleep, but he had found some semblance of calm.

“Sam, Five?” Maxine called.

Five didn’t move, Jack was right, when Five actually got some sleep, she slept like the dead. She needed it though, god if anyone needed it it was Five.

Maxine tried the door and pushed it open, eyeing the scene before her. Her eyes were red, and she hadn’t bothered to braid back her hair this morning, instead just throwing it into a bun on the top of her head and being done with it.

“Sam,” her eyes flicked to Five and she lowered her voice. “You know, she looks so young when she sleeps, doesn’t she?”

Sam turned his head to look at her. “Yeah.”

Maxine stepped into the small room, plates of food in hand. She closed the door with her foot and set the food down on the drawers, piling up the bowls and mugs from the morning. After a while of fussing around, she moved the laptop and sat on the seat it was propped on.

“How you feeling Sammy?”

Sam used his free hand to pick at the threads of the quilt, not missing Maxine eye his hand in Fives. “Not great.”

“Can you give me something more than not great?”

Sam swallowed. “I feel like it was my fault.” 

Maxine looked as if that's exactly what she expected. She shook her head, resting her elbows on her knees. “And how is it your fault?”

Sam didn’t like the challenge, how could she not see how it was, she had been there, she should know. “I’m a bad operator, I should have been better.”

“How?”

Sam had to fight to keep his voice low to not wake Five. “I don’t know, but there had to have been something I could have done.”

Her eyes boring holes into him. “You’ve spent the better part of the night agonising about this, haven’t you?”

Sam nodded.

“And can you give me a concrete way in which your change of tactics would have saved Archie’s life?”

Sam opened his mouth to say it didn’t matter, that even if he couldn’t think of one now there had to be one, but that wasn’t the question, he had no answer for that. He closed his mouth with a click.

This apparently was what Maxine wanted, as she gestured with her hand that was the correct answer. “Sam, you’ve spent hours thinking about this, and have still yet to come up with a solution, meaning, even if you had been better, or smarter, or whatever, you still couldn’t have come up with that in the moment. Ergo, not your fault.”

“I know but-,”

“It’s not your fault,” she said with such surety he almost believed it.

After a while, Sam bowed his head. “I know that logically. I think.”

“But emotionally.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“Well…that will come in time, but as long as you can reason your way to this conclusion-,” she trailed off.

“Yeah.” Sam ran his thumb across Five’s hand. “How you doing?”

Maxine pressed her palms into her eyes. “Not great.” She said in an imitation of him.

“Five said you told her not to joke about things, maybe, like, take your own advice," Sam said, in an attempt at jovialness, but it just sort of sound sarky.

“Five made a joke about hurting herself, I made a joke about your accent, they are two very different things.”

He didn’t like that information. “Oh…I didn’t know.”

“To answer your question properly, I’m doing better than expected. I wasn’t that close with Archie so it’s a little easier for me.”

“And Paula?”

“That…is a little more complicated,” she admitted. “I’m happy she’s definitely alive, glad she has a reason for working with Van Ark. Sad about finding out she’s infected, relieved to know there’s a way to stem infection. The scientific part of me wants to know more about that and realises that until we understand it, she can’t come home, the other part of me just wants her home now so I can hold her,” Maxine explained.

“So…complicated,” Sam said.

“Just a tad.”

Sam swallowed hard. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she pulled at a stray strand of her hair. “We can pull through this.”

“Archie can’t.”

Her hands tapped her knees a few times, head cocking a little. “We can pull through this, for Archie.” She stared at Five for a few beats. “How’s she doing?”

Sam shifted, Five was definitely dead to world, she never looked this peaceful awake. “Honestly, I have no idea,” he admitted. “It’s like she doesn’t realise how bad it really is.”

“You know, I don’t think she does,” Maxine admitted. “I’m scared. If she keeps this up it's going to all come crashing down in one big collapse. But I just can’t get her to admit there’s something wrong. We spoke for two hours this morning and I’m not sure how much she even took on board. It was like trying to explain to a wall why grieving is important.” Maxine cocked her head. “And it’s not even that’s she’s emotionally insensitive, she is really intuitive when it comes to others feelings, but her own, it’s almost as if she doesn’t want them.”

Sam didn’t expect all that, but it made sense, he didn’t miss every time Five would deflect in favour of him. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to make sure she knows that when it does all come down, we’ll be there to help her pick up the pieces.”

Maxine shook her head. “I’m just worried there will be far too many pieces, something is going to slip through.”

* * *

The door closed with a loud click that made her cringe. If she woke Sam now Five was just about ready to throw herself into a meat grinder.

Sam needed to sleep, she was not going to fuck that up by sitting in the dark and staring at the wall, or worse, falling asleep and having a nightmare and waking him up with that like she had that first night.

He had lied, she knew she woke him, she had to be more careful.

No…Five wasn’t going to make this worse for him. If she did a run now she might be able to exhaust herself enough to sleep through the rest of the night, maybe.

Five just couldn’t get the image of Archie’s body wrapped in cloth out of her head, the fact they couldn’t even get her a coffin, the way Jamie tried too hard to be tough but ended up just crying alone, yelling at anyone who tried to talk to him.

Archie wouldn’t have wanted such a sombre event.

Archie probably would have liked it if Five had cried at least.

It’s a little tough to force tears when you feel nothing.

She sighed _. Don’t think about it, you have bigger problems than your own heartlessness._

Five grabbed her running shoes from the shoe rack they kept in the common area, pulling open the billet door, only to be met with the back of Simon’s head and the familiar and slightly comforting smell of a cigarette.

He turned to look at her. “Five?” He stared at her for a long time, then held up the packet. “Want one?”

She shook her head, gently kicking him with her foot to move up so she could sit on the step next to him.

“Those things will kill you?”

“Do you actually care?” He spat.

She shrugged. “Do what you want, it’s your body.”

Simon grimaced, taking a long drag of it. “So, you don’t smoke, of course you bloody don’t.”

He was pegging for a fight, she could see it in the way his shoulders lined up. It was the same tension she had when she felt cornered.

“I grew up in a family of chain smokers, I think I got my fair share of secondhand smoke.”

He tapped the ash off the end. “Never wanted to pick it up?”

“I tried it once on a night out, did not get the appeal. The smell is nice though, in an odd way, reminds me of being a kid.”

“That’s a little fucked up, Five,” Simon said, but his shoulders slowly relaxed. “My gran would kick a fit if she knew how much I smoked as a teenager.” He took another long drag. “What I would give for a spliff right now.”

Five chuckled. “I’m pretty sure that new runner we picked up, Owen, had some on him, I could smell it when I cleared out his pack.”

“The Australian guy? Do they even have weed in Australia?” He joked.

“Explains why they are all so relaxed.”

“Think that’s a bit of a stereotype,” he said. “That’s like saying all Northerners are working-class idiots.”

“Well you got the idiot part down, but I don’t actually know if you were working class.”

Simon sighed. “I was.”

Five smiled. “Same.”

"And you're an idiot."

"We're practically twins."

"I'm the hot one."

"No argument there."

The ash got caught on a gust of wind, depositing some of it into her lap. She brushed it off, staining her shorts a little white.

“How’s Sam doing?”

“Better, he’s struggling but…better.”

“You know,” Simon started, staring at nothing. “Sometimes I think he feels too much.”

She bristled. “Nothing wrong with that.”

Simon blinked at her. “I thought you would have found everything wrong with that.”

“Why?”

“You’re just very…anti-feelings,” he said.

Five chuckled. “I used to get made fun off for how much I got upset about things when I was growing up, I’m not gonna do the same thing to Sam.”

“Even if it’s exhausting?”

“It’s not exhausting.”

“He’s sleeping in your bed,” Simon said. “And not in the fun way.”

Five kept her face neutral, she wasn’t going to give Simon the hint that she had thought about it in the fun way.

“You really care about him don’t you?” He asked when Five didn’t respond.

She really did. It sort of hurt how much it did.

“Care about you too,” Five signed.

Simon shook his head. “You don’t need to lie to me just because I’m sad.”

“I do.”

“Hmmm.”

Five wondered where this sudden bout of self loathing came from.

“Do you still have some of those fireworks you didn’t get to set off after the New Years incident?”

Simon gave her a side-eye. “Yeah, unless you told Janine where you stashed them.”

“You wanna go do something really stupid.”

“Now you’re speaking my language Five.”

She pulled on her running shoes. “Well then, hurry it up, we’ve only got a few hours till dawn.”

* * *

Simon waddled with the box of fireworks, setting it down next to the tombstone. She’d had him carry it, feigning weakness, where, in actuality, her arm was still throbbing from the wound.

Five was surprised how easy it was to sneak out of Abel, Sara’s training was finally getting put to good use.

Being out of Abel with no operator on their headset, in the middle of the night felt wrong, but also was kind of freeing. In some ways, it sort of reminded her of that first-night run she had. A bullet wound in her arm, horde around her. But even then, Sam’s voice had been there for her, helping her home.

The isolation of being alone was odd. Familiar.

“Okay, I say we just do it in one big explosion and run, otherwise if we wait too long, we are definitely going to attract a horde.”

“Sounds like fun.”

He laughed, sticking in all the fireworks to the dirt, putting them in a line so they could quickly light them all.

Five fiddled with the lighter, flicking it on and off as he worked, pointedly not looking at the grave, at the flowers she had laid down earlier that day.

“Right, I think we are ready.”

Five flicked the lighter again and tossed it at him. “I’ve never set off fireworks myself.”

Simon tossed the lighter back. “Well then, first time for everything.”

She braced herself, getting her grip of the lighter steady before starting. She practically ran along the line of wicks, afraid some of them weren’t lighting fast enough.

Five barely leapt back when the first one exploded, a domino effect on all the others. She landed hard on her back, giving her a prime view of the cacophony of lights above them.

Spray after spray of bright lights, flaring for just a moment before finally dying, tiny embers trailing down.

More explosions ripped across the dark of the night, cutting clean through the deep black in the sky, pulling it apart, highlighted by the constant backdrop of stars.

Greens, and blues, and pinks, and yellows. Swirls of colour and light, expanding outwards, getting bigger, filling the space, before finally fading out, drifting into nothingness. Leaving the bare bones of an after image in her eyes.

And just as fast as they started, just as bright as they were, just as overwhelmingly beautiful they had been in the moment. They stopped. And it was over, and she was left feeling a little empty.

Time had moved on.

Time will always move on.

Simon lay on his back next to her, looking a little lost, not sure what to do now.

“I think Archie would have liked that,” he said quietly. “Not the purple ones though.”

Five stared at the tombstone. _Not the purple ones._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!  
> Stay Safe out there :)


	23. And for a moment I forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Season 2 M20  
> Content warning: Hallucinations, grief.

Five rolled out her neck, cracking it a few times.

Sara made a point of muting her mic. “Not sleeping well, Five?” Sara asked as they ran back towards Abel.

Not really. Sam had been sleeping in her room for the past week, and it had been her turn to sleep on the floor last night. If she got any sleep at all, Sam was not doing well.

She didn’t mind, even though she was tired and a little sore, she was happy to sit in this uncomfortableness with him. And he was doing better, it’s just a shame he didn’t fully get his two weeks of leave to recover before this stupid chemical spill.

“I’m fine,” Five signed.

Sara gave her a sideways look. “How’s the arm?”

“It’s fine.”

Sara nodded and focussed back on her running.

“Three’s arrived at Jamie’s,” Sam said, “And this is where I’m supposed to leave you.”

Right Simon. Five was still seething about what he said and did. How dare he blame Sam, and then how dare he go on a suicide mission to attack some dedlocks. Five was going to have words with Simon.

“Very good, Sam,” Sara said, tapping her mic back on. “See you in a few hours.”

Sam made a noise. “Yeah…stay safe.”

“Always do.”

“Be careful, Five,” Sam said, Sara making no indication she could hear this, Sam must have flicked to a private channel. “Please.”

Sam clicked off, the gates of Abel rising open.

Janine quickly ushered them inside, ferrying them towards the armoury, running at double time.

“Greenshoot’s always been what the name implies, Five,” she explained, looking as proper as always despite the urgency. “A chance for a fresh start, for Abel and for humanity. Abel is important, not just because of the people here, but because of what’s beneath it. I need you to bring some leaking canisters up to me.”

Sara frowned. “Are they underground?"

“Yes. The canisters are in a bio lab beneath Abel, entered via the armoury sub-basement," Janine explained, pulling open the armoury door. "It’s that lab that I was always here to protect.”

Five was trying to make sense of that. This was a lot of information in a short span of time.

“You mean the weapons research facility?” Sara asked, pulling off her pack and emptying the sealants. Five copied her.

 _Weapons research facility?_ Next, they’ll be telling five there are secret tunnels full of human experiments.

“Not just bio-weapons. We have a whole research complex with yes, some defence capability, but also seed banks, medical knowledge – enough to let the human race recover from an apocalyptic event, if necessary.”

So why hadn't she accessed it yet, for like, Maxine's research?

Sara smiled, her toothy wide, Cheshire cat smile. “It’s been time – past time – to get some of the goodies in that Aladdin’s cave for a while,” she spotted Five’s confused face and smirked. “You were supposed to help relocate Abel residents while we did that, Five. But the rocket launcher attack on your chopper meant it wasn’t a safe time to move.”

“Yes, that makes perfect sense,” Five signed, keeping her face deadpan.

Sara chuckled.

Janine didn’t seem very happy about the sarcasm. “These underground labs are the reason the Major decided to establish a civilian community here in the first place. To disguise Abel’s real purpose, hide any suspicious comings and goings from anyone who might be watching.”

“If Five has clearance to know this,” Sara said, patting Five on the arm. “Why can’t we just take the sealant down to the lab?”

“The combination of chemicals are volatile and highly flammable. The slightest spark could set it off. Up here, the fumes will dissipate until I can get the sealant around the canisters. Down there, we could lose the whole lab.”

“What?” Five signed.

Sara ignored her. “So you want me and Five to go into a confined space with a volatile, toxic gas? Sounds like my kind of afternoon.”

“Don’t take risks. It’s very dangerous,” Janine said, pointing them down a set of steps in the armoury before leaving to take comms.

Jamie was tapping his foot at the bottom, stood by a large metal door in a thick concrete wall. He looked awful.

He’d isolated himself. Five should have made a point to check up on him. Between taking care of Sam, working in the lab with Maxine and trying to keep ahead of her own feelings she forgot.

She should have been better.

But the thing was he probably didn't want to see her. She knew that Jamie blamed her. Blamed them both. They had both made the decision to set off the charges before approval. That decision was what made Van Ark panic and shoot Archie.

If they had just waited, if Five had just followed orders, Archie might still be alive.

_If you keep trying to assert this rebellious streak, you’re going to get someone you love killed._

Sara had been right, her refusal to follow orders got Archie killed.

Five swallowed. Maybe there was something to be said about the chain of command. Should she listen to Sara more? 

“Showed up at last!” Jamie spat, knocking Five out of her brooding. “Could have been a bit quicker. Follow me, then.”

“It’s Jamie, isn’t it?” Sara said like she didn’t memorise the name and occupation of every poor sod who walked through Abel’s gates.

Jamie gave her a curt nod.

Sara sniffed and tapped her headset. “Are you plugged into our headcams, Janine? We’re at the entrance.”

Janine’s voice fizzled through. “Input the access code and swing it open.” Sara pulled the keypad open and put it in, covering the code with her back.

The door swung open, revealing a long corridor full of thick green gas.

“Go on in,” Janine said.

Five and Jamie shared a look.

“Ugh, that’s rank!” Jamie spat.

Sara nodded. “It’s pretty dense, Janine. Breathing won’t be easy.”

Janine sighed. “Unfortunately, the gas masks and hazmat suits are deeper inside. Now that I think of it, perhaps that was a strategic misstep on my part.”

Five spun in frustration.

“Yeah, perhaps. Great. This is going to be a whole load of fun,” Jamie snarked.

“No point in complaining you two, we have a duty to fulfil,” Sara said.

Five didn’t like how she now felt honour bound to do so.

“Five, you take point, you’re the fastest, Jamie take the middle, I’ll take the rear,” Sara said. “Ready Five?”

Five stared at the thick green gas. Was it bad how scared she was?

She nodded.

“Okay, let’s go.”

She ran in, setting a pace for the others.

The gas hit her like a physical weight. Thick and viscous and putrid. Trails of gas swirled around her in little spirals as she ran, drifting on air currents. It made her skin tingle, in a pins and needles sort of way, and it sat heavy in her lungs. She made an effort to not breathe as much.

Jamie immediately started to retch, raising his elbow to his mouth. “Oh my word, this corridor’s a mile long! It’s so big, it’s got a horizon.”

The gas tasted like metal, or her mouth was starting to taste like metal.

Wasn’t that a symptom of radiation poisoning?

That would just be her luck.

The ran past door after door, many windowless, but thick white signs hung above the frame. Dorms, cafeteria, family quarters.

“This facility is meant to provide living and working space for up to a thousand people,” Janine said, voice calm. “You’re just entering the medical research section now. The labs you’re looking for are beyond.”

Sara coughed. “Dammit. Just when I’d lost the last cough.” She spat to her side, waving the gas away from her face like that would work, squinting at the blue lines on the walls “Oh yeah, Janine, we’re going to want to circle around the blue section. That’s definitely need-to-know, Five. Sorry.”

Five shrugged, coughing into the crook of her arm, not like they kept her in the know anyway.

Janine laughed. “Yes, let’s hope none of us ever have to go in there,” she tapped the mic a few times. “The intention was always to brief you on the crop duster program, Five. We’ve had it as one of several long-term options, and with the doctor’s research, it’s becoming a real possibility. Turn left here, and be careful – there are sharp instruments about.

Jamie scoffed. “Sharp instruments, and toxic gas. What a treat-,” his snark dissolved into a coughing fit.

“Of course, things became even worse when Van Ark attacked,” Janine continued. “We’d suspected for a time that he knew about this underground facility, hoped that he didn’t. We couldn’t be sure, and we didn’t want to tell any more people until we were. And with the way he’s been able to predict our plans, we’ve concerns someone might have been working for Van Ark. Even one of you two.”

Five chuckled at that thought, she would rather rip Van Ark to shreds than work with him.

Sara on the other hand.

Five turned to look at her, Sara coughing into her hand.

“Thanks a bunch,” she said between breaths. “And I thought we were friends.”

She gave Five a look. It was odd, like she knew something about Five that Five didn’t.

Did she think Five was the traitor?

“This is bigger than friendship,” Janine said. “Abel’s housed the Army’s primary black research lab for years. When the zombie plague struck, my orders were to protect it at all costs. That’s more important than I can possibly stress. I need you to keep quiet once this is over.”

Keep quiet, Five’s one true talent. Well, less so now.

A crash.

In her study of Sara, Five hadn’t notice Jamie swaying until he crashed into the wall and came to a stop, staring wildly at the corridor behind Five.

“Do you see that?” he asked, pointing.

Five turned, the corridor opened up into a viewing platform, a deep room far below where Five couldn’t see what it held, there was too much green gas drifting up from beneath.

It reminded her a little of a nuclear power plant.

_Please don't let it be radiation poisoning._

Sara took a slow step towards Jamie. “What?”

He pointed again, jabbing a shaking finger in the thick air. “It’s Archie,” Five blanched at the name. “There! Can’t you see her?”

“Dammit,” Janine started. “I knew this gas combination could be psychoactive, but I hoped it wouldn’t work this quickly. It’s a hallucination, Jamie.”

_Oh great, just fucking great._

How long till it worked on Five? Till she lost control.

Jamie was wobbling badly.

“There’s no one there, Jamie,” Sara said in a voice that was almost kind.

If Sara could be kind.

“Archie! Where you going?” Jamie shoved Sara off and bolted down the corridor onto the viewing platform, leaning heavily over the railing and looking down. “Archie, come back!”

He started around the balcony that ran the perimeter of the room, fading from view.

“For God’s sake, get after him,” Janine ordered.

Sara didn’t wait. “Jamie! Jamie, come back here.”

Five swayed a little, she was fine, she _was_ fine, maybe the gas wouldn’t work on her.

She ran after them, barely catching up when Jamie flung himself on Sara.

“There you are, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

Sara shoved him off. “What are you doing? Get off me.”

“He thinks you’re Archie,” Janine explained. “Play along with him.”

Five didn't know much about delusions, but she was sure the playing along thing wasn't healthy. 

Not that she was the expert in healthy.

She stared down at her shaking hands. When had she gotten used to the shaking? Did they always shake?

“He’s gone crazy,” Sara said, holding Jamie back from hugging her.

Crazy.

_Crazy_

**_Crazy_ **

That was a funny word, wasn’t it? Crazy. Archie would have found it funny.

Crazy, literally meaning to be full of cracks. Crazed, cracked. Craze - to shatter and break.

Craze-y

“It’s just the gas,” Janine said. “Psychoactive chemicals and the grieving process are a potent combination. Tell him to come with you. You’ll need him to carry the third canister. You’re very close now.”

Sara nodded, patting Jamie’s arm in a very weird way. “Okay, okay. _Come, come this way, Jamie. We need to… to get those canisters, remember_?”

Five blinked. Did…did Sara just sound like Archie?

She was very good at impressions.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Arch.”

Sara took Jamie’s hand and started leading him along the viewing platform to the stairs on the other side.

“Come on Five.”

Five took a while to get her eyes to focus on them, it felt a little like when you’re really drunk, and the room keeps spinning and-

“Five?”

It was really warm in here, really warm. Five had a sudden and weird urge to start pulling off her clothes it was that warm.

“Not you too, come on Five," Sara gripped Five's shaking hand. "It’s okay, take my hand and follow me.”

Five allowed herself to be led down the steps.

“Okay Five open your pack, there we go, stay put.”

“How are you holding up?”

Someone patted the sides of her face forcing Five to look at them. Five took a long time to zero in on Archie’s face.

Wait.

“Five’s not feeling good,” Archie said. “I’m… I’m okay. I guess I’ve got a strong constitution.”

A lower voice started to talk and Archie turned away to speak to them. Bodies shifting in the green smoke.

She really was rather hot. Why did she have such a high collar on? It wasn’t that sort of weather.

The voice, Archie’s voice, said something to Five and without really thinking about it, or what it asked, Five stood and followed.

She had trouble figuring out what she was doing. _Okay, take it slow Five, reason it out._

She was running.

Well…Five was often running. What was she running from?

Five turned hoping to get a grip of what was chasing her, but the corridor stretched out endlessly, water lapping at her knees.

Huh.

Five looked down, water at her knees, like an ocean, the waves gently pushing her side to side, a storm building on the horizon.

Was she running from the storm? Five didn’t like storms.

She _really_ didn’t like storms. But she’d never run from one before.

She came to the conclusion she was running towards something. That's right, she did that a lot too.

Abel, right? Sam. It was usually Sam.

 _Sam_. Five tapped into her headset. It was dead.

She stopped.

Five was alone. She was completely alone

Alone in the ocean with an oncoming storm.

Oh god.

She always knew she’d come back here, it was just a matter of time, Abel was a fleeting fancy, the aloneness was the constant.

She had convinced herself it was the other way around, but she had been stupid. It was selfish of her to think of herself as anything other than alone.

A wave crashed against her, and Five was forced to keep running, towards nothing, away from something.

After some time Five arrived at a tree. Someone pulled her pack off abruptly and shoved her back.

She landed hard on her ass, feeling the grass beneath her hands whilst figures moved around her. Some of them yelled, others talk quietly. One had a tone of snark behind it.

She watched one seal something over a canister, putting their hands on their hips, talking with an air of satisfaction.

After a while, Archie shifted into view.

“Five you back with us?” Sara asked.

She blinked up at the woman.

“Okay, you look like you could do with a nap huh, come on, dear.”

Alone. Five should be alone.

* * *

Sam wandered up to Five’s door feeling a little like a lost puppy. He heard something had happened that set Jamie on edge and landed him in such a foul mood he spent the better part of an hour punching a tree before passing out.

He needed to check on Five.

He knocked, a closed-door usually meant Five was in.

No sound.

He knocked again and heard movement, but the door wasn’t opened.

“Five are you okay?”

He wondered if she was sleeping. And if that was the case, Sam was being a bit of a dick waking her up. 

It was probably for the best, he had overstayed his welcome in her room, she was most likely sick of him at this point. No wonder she was ignoring him she-

The door opened, Five stood bright-eyed, staring up at him.

“Hey,” she signed with a smile. “Are you all right?”

Sam studied her, she didn’t look bad, but she looked…off.

Something had happened.

“Yeah, I’m fine, are you-,”

“I’m fine.” She signed, interrupting him, scratching her arm before pulling absently at the yellow ribbon wrapped around the place the bandage was, hiding it.

"You found it again?" he asked, nodding at it. 

She looked down a far off look on her face. "I never lost it, Sara washed it."

"Why?"

"I got blood on it."

"Oh."

She fiddled with the ribbon a few more times, took a deep breath and signed. “You wanna go get some dinner.”

At that moment, staring at her, taking in her face, he made a probably very stupid split decision. “Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to do something else?”

“Something other than eating?” Five looked dejected. “But I’m starving.”

“Okay yeah…just trust me on this one,” the more he thought about it the more excited he got. “Can you give me like an hour?”

She raised a brow. “Sam? What are you planning.”

Sam bounced back and forth on his feet. “An hour.”

The look of mock exasperation was adorable. “Fine. You have one hour.”

“Okay great, meet me at the comms shack then…in an hour.”

She laughed. “Fifty-nine minutes now.”

Oh shit. Sam left the room. This was a bad idea.

* * *

He’d thought about this a few times, but there was never a good time to do it. The weather was usually bad, or he had work to do, or the biggest obstacle, Janine and the Major were here.

But both had gone to deal with something in New Canton, which meant that right now, was probably the only time to do so.

And Five clearly needed cheering up. So it was a win-win.

She’d been so good to him this past week, too good. She’d washed his clothes and brought him food and just gave him all the company he needed. He could see her getting a little overwhelmed, in the way she suggested one of them sleeps on the floor. Sam would have been perfectly fine sharing a bed, but Five had drawn a line and he was going to honour that.

And really, he probably wouldn’t get much sleep sharing a bed with Five anyway.

Yeah, this week did nothing to help with the crush.

The number of times he’d had to talk himself down from just kissing her after she smiled at her own shitty joke, or realised she left her tea to long and pouted to herself but still downed the cold drink anyway because “I refuse to waste good tea, Mister Yao.”

And the talking.

They’d made a habit of it after the first night, they had sat down with a book and she would read a page, squeaking in joy when she read a whole sentence without stuttering.

And then there was the time he’d come back from the bathroom to find her trying to sing. She wasn’t very good, and it was rather quiet, but it was sweet, and she was smiling to herself.

In these brief moments of happiness he had with her, it made all the shitty state of existence just that much easier. And he wanted to kiss her for it.

Sam ran his hand through his hair, he really needed to get over this crush before it ruined this friendship.

Five poked him in the side. “I gave you an extra minute, just to be kind.” She signed.

Sam sniffed, a little startled, not realising she had shown up.

“Five?”

“Sam.”

He stared at her for a moment.

She cocked her head. “Well don’t keep me in suspense.”

“Okay take this bag.”

“My runner pack…is this your unsubtle way of telling me I’m scheduled for a night run.”

“Just put it on.”

“Yes sir,” she signed with a salute, putting on her pack as he did his.

“Okay, okay, so right, um, follow me,” he said, leading them away from the shack. “Right so last November, Janine had given me the keys to the radio tower to turn on the beacon," that night Five got trapped and shot. "And she never asked for them back, so I’ve had the keys to the tower in my possession, just burning a hole in my pocket.”

He pulled open the gate that led to the base of the tower, holding it open for her.

“And I know there’s like a balcony up there, and I always thought, hey when the weather gets better, I’ll go up and read up there,” he said, pulling out the keys to unlock the bars to the ladder.

“But my fear of Janine sort of outweighed that urge, but since Janine isn’t here tonight, and you needed some cheering up. I thought there would be no better time to finally go up and, like, hang out.”

He pulled the bars back.

“After you.”

Five tightened the straps of her backpack and started the climb, going a little faster than was comfortable for him.

They climbed in silence, the wind picking up, getting progressively louder as they ascended until eventually, they reached the balcony at the top that was just bigger than a double bed.

She held her hand out for him, something she didn’t need to do, but Sam was more than happy to take the assistance if it meant he got to hold her hand.

She practically pulled him up the last few steps, a feat of strength that sent his stomach rolling in awe.

At the top of the hill, on top of the tower, they were the tallest thing for miles and miles. The rolling hills of the west English countryside, dotted with trees and overgrown fields at the precipice of summer was beautiful.

The sky was pink, sun low on the horizon scattering red over the green fields. Sure the small horde detracted from the look, but the flock of birds countered that.

She climbed up on the railing, hand slipping out of his, leaning dangerously over the edge. Five smiled wildly, holding back her hair against the wind, knocking her glasses a little askew

“Five be careful!”

“Oh don’t be such a baby,” she called, holding her hand out for him. “Come on!”

Sam wasn’t afraid of heights, he didn’t think, not when a heavy metal balcony stood between him and it. He wasn’t so sure about climbing up on the railing.

“I think I’ll pass,” he said.

He expected Five to argue and call him a wimp, instead, she nodded and climbed down. “Fair enough. You okay?”

“Yeah…just not as stable as you,” he said.

She snorted like he said something funny, eyes trailing away from his face to the view behind him.

Sam took off his pack. “I brought food.” He said, trying to get her attention again.

She raised a brow. “Please god don’t let it be half a pot of marmite.”

“A noble meal.”

“I don’t want to get scurvy, Sam.”

The tupperware of food he stole from New Canton earlier that he intended to save for lunch was still a little warm. “Lukewarm Shepard’s pie, even better.”

Five squinted at it.

“Okay I know it looks a little like cat sick, but it tastes really good,” He said, handing her the pot and pulling out a curly wurly for himself.

“Sam, darling, that’s not a meal.”

_Darling._

Okay, Sam now had a new favourite word.

He cleared his throat. “Right...um... there's some blankets in your bag, a lot actually, I may have stole some.”

“I thought it was a bit light,” she said, handing him back the food and undoing her bag, pulling out the blankets and laying them out. He noticed she hadn't spoken with a stutter yet. 

He fiddled with the lid of the tupperware,

“Sam if I didn’t know any better I would say this was a date.”

Oh no.

She was catching on.

“It’s not,” Sam blurted, voice getting high.

She chuckled. “Jeez, didn’t know I was that repulsive.”

“No..No I don’t mean…I didn’t mean that you, I mean of course you’re lovely and you’re going to find someone I just,” he nearly dropped the food. “I just don’t want you thinking this is like, a date or…like-,”

“Sam, I was teasing you, it’s okay,” she said, smoothing the edge of the blankets with just a tad too much care. She was feeling awkward. He'd made it awkward. “I wouldn’t want to date me either,” she said, laughter on her words.

He stammered. “I didn’t mean-,”

Five stood and placed her hands on the food. “Sam it’s okay, I shouldn’t have made the joke about it being a date, I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward.”

“It’s not awkward.”

“Okay then.”

“Okay.”

“Not awkward at all.”

“Nope.”

Silence.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you let go of the food?”

“Right,” he loosened his tight grip on the tupperware, the curly wurly a little crushed against it.

Five shook her head in amusement and sat down, pulling the tub open.

There was a fork in the bottom of his bag. He dug around for it hoping his ears weren't noticeably red. She already had her own spoon from her pack, busy cleaning it off on her shirt, staring out at the scenery as she did.

“What do you mean you wouldn’t want to date you?”

Five started. “Sam it’s fine.”

“Because honestly, anyone would be lucky to have you and-,”

“Sam…its okay, I’ve come to terms with it, you don’t need to try and make me feel better,” she said. And before he could say anything else she shoved a huge spoon of Shepard’s pie in her mouth. “Not that bad.” She said through the food.

“New canton is full of dicks, but they have good food.”

She smirked. “You didn’t kill Nadia today then?”

“I bloody thought about it, telling me how to talk to my runners, honestly.”

She smiled, going back to eating. “So. I never got to hear how the game went last night, care to spill the details.”

Sam nodded, going off into a very long rant about last nights DnD session. It was the first one they had since the confrontation with the bugbear came to head and Sam’s ranger Quinn got the killing blow on him, but they found a letter that indicated, he might not be the big bad at all, and something involved in Eugene’s character backstory was linked with this, and they were all very excited to see where it went.

She nodded with excitement, asking questions as he spoke. He got to a point where he felt bad and apologised for boring her but Five shook her head, disagreed loudly and asked him to continue.

By the time he finished detailing his third theory on how edge lord Eugene's character was linked to the bugbear’s master, it was dark enough that the stars were visible and they were both laying on their backs looking up.

He sighed, drinking in the silence and the good company, content to just stay there for as long as they could. 

He raised his hand and ran it along the streak of the Milkyway, poking at the brighter stars. “You know, I don’t think I ever saw the Milkyway until after the apocalypse.”

She hummed. “Yeah, me either…light pollution is a bitch.”

“They are very pretty though, all sparkling…it’s very nice.” He squinted. “They do actually sparkle don’t they, I thought that was just like, metaphorical, you know, twinkle twinkle little star."

"You sound like you've never seen a star before."

"I mean...of course I have, but...I just never like, paid that much attention before, they actually do sparkle, I wonder why that is."

“They are really far away.”

Sam dropped his hand. “And that makes them sparkle?”

“Yes…it’s why planets don’t sparkle, you can tell if you’re looking at a planet if it doesn’t twinkle.”

“So why do stars twinkle,” he asked.

“The light gets more refracted against our atmosphere,” she explained. “So they wouldn’t twinkle if we looked at them from space.”

“Ahh…do you ever wonder what happened to the astronauts on the ISS during this?”

He could hear the smile in her voice. “I think they would have just returned to earth, they are trained enough to perform those procedures without ground control. If they are lucky, they would have landed on land.”

“How do you know so much?”

She looked at him, scratching the bridge of her nose, trying to hide a sheepish grin. “I used to want to be an astronaut.”

“No!”

“Yeah, I was determined to not only be the first woman on the moon, but also the first human on Mars.”

“You wanted to go to space?”

“Really badly,” she beamed. The smile dropped and she shook her head. “It was a stupid dream.”

“It’s not stupid.”

“It was a bit. I had it in my head it would be like Star Trek or the Martian, but the likely hood was I wouldn’t be able to even pass the first screening test.”

“Woah woah woah, are you telling me, that the stoic and mildly badass runner Five, is a Trekkie.”

She nodded. “I really really wanted to talk with Picard.” She pulled her knees up a little in excitement. “Just the thought of discussing ethics and philosophy with him, oh man that would be so awesome, I would love to hear him infodump about Shakespeare. Like just imagine getting to chat with Picard.” She squeaked a little.

“Oh my god.”

“What why are you laughing at me.”

“I can’t believe you’re a massive nerd.”

“Oh, so you never wanted to talk about ethics with Jean Luc Picard?”

“Um…it’s not on my list of exciting afternoons.”

“Please tell me you wouldn’t pick Kirk over Picard.”

“Kirk was hotter.”

“I can’t believe you,” she squeaked. “And I thought we were friends.”

"Rip to our friendship then." 

She punched his arm. A realisation quickly dawned on her face and she swore.

“What?”

“I never got to finish next-gen,” she said. “Or the other shows.”

“NEEEERRRDDD.”

“Says the person who cosplayed Aquaman for his girlfriend.”

Sam's ears started to warm. “That was one time.”

“It was Aquaman, at least cosplay someone cool, your girlfriend had bad taste.”

Sam chuckled. “She really did, we broke up two weeks later, turns out she had a thing with some guy who liked to dress up as Robin.”

“Oof, that’s rough buddy, but you’re better off without her, you deserve better.”

“Better?”

“Yeah, someone who won’t make you dress up as Aquaman, so like, every other person on the planet.”

“It's okay. She was not as bad as this guy who not five minutes into our first date suggested I learn Kung fu because it would be like – _so cool and it’s just your vibe, like Jackie Chan_.”

She frowned. “It’s because you're Chinese isn’t it?”

“It’s because I’m Chinese.”

She groaned loudly.

“What about you, bad date stories?”

“Um…there was this time I took this girl to play laser tag and the guy running it decided he wanted to play with us, totally not getting that it was a date.”

“Oh no.”

“I think he just thought we were gals being pals.”

“No.”

“Yup. He got very into it, did some battle roles.”

“What did the girl do?”

“Well, it turns out she wasn’t a very nice person anyway so I sort of dodged a bullet on that one. To be fair, all my dates ended in disaster.”

“All of them.”

“Yeah…” she coughed. “I think.”

“You think?”

Five frowned a little like she was trying to do an equation in her head or remember some childhood memory. “They must have.”

“Five?”

Five stared off into space for a while.

“Five?”

“Hmm?”

“You zoned out for a second.”

She shook her head. “I’m just tired.”

Sam shifted to lean up on his arm, sitting over her. “Yeah, I heard the mission today was tough.”

She nodded.

“You wanna talk about it?”

She scrunched her eyes shut for a moment. “It wasn’t fun.” She said, her stutter coming back into her words. 

“How so?”

Five opened her eyes. "It's technically a need to know."

"So you can't tell me?"

Her mouth formed the shapes of some words but no sound formed. "No." She said finally.

That's how it was then. Five was officially running missions he couldn't know about. He was not happy about that, and from the look on her face, she wasn't either.

"Okay...okay," he bopped her nose, trying to cheer her up. "I can't believe you have a crush on Picard."

She faked shock. "I never said I had a crush on him."

" _I wanna discuss ethics at length with Picard_ ," he said in an imitation of her voice. “Sounds like a crush to me.”

Five whacked his chest. "I don't sound like that."

"Mmmn I think you do."

"I do not...I sound cool, and very well educated."

"You sound like a nerd."

"Oh fuck off."

"Make me.” 

She snorted, shaking her head in amusement, eyes settling back on his face as she stilled.

They were close, really close. Her breath was warm against his skin, his lips. The space between them was small, barely a few centimetres, but it felt like miles. A hollow and gaping space. He wanted to close it, and he found himself moving just a tad closer against his better judgement, the space was just too big, they still weren't close enough.

It would be so easy to just push across. To cover her mouth with his, pull her to him, to breathe her in, to hold her. He could do it, and maybe, miraculously, she’d kiss him back. And things would be good and kind. It would be so easy. 

Yet the space felt like miles. 

Her mouth pulled into a smile, and she tapped his chest. “We should get to bed.” She said quietly, the words tickling his skin, then sat up, away from him. 

“Yeah it’s late,” he said, voice just a little too high. “Really late.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks For Reading!  
> Stay Safe out There


	24. Our praise is not for them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2M21 and the side mission Circuit training
> 
> CW: Mentions of suicide, discussion of PTSD

The rain had already put Five in a foul mood, she was too amped up in case it was a storm. Not to mention the fact that – even despite the fact no one was bringing it up – today was a year since the apocalypse started. And to top off her already shit fest of a day, that was really the cherry on the shitting fuck up day, Five still had blood on her shoes from Francesca hurling herself to her death.

Five walked numbly through the gates, passing off her pack and the supplies they got from the weather station to the guard on duty who Five hadn’t bothered to learn the name off.

She really should start bothering. Was she a bad person for not bothering? She knew their faces, what they liked, what shifts they were on, but names were tougher.

Like Francesca…Five had forgotten she existed, and today, when she spotted her face staring down the sights of her rifle, Five had been so stumped for a name.

Five was bad at names.

Sam remembered. Of course, he would.

Her body cracked into the earth, spine breaking on impact, blood spraying across Five’s boots.

Five looked down. It was covered in mud now, but she knew it was there, under the grime, stained.

“Five?”

Five blinked up at Sara, the look on her face told Five she had zoned out again, she’d done that a lot recently. But this was the third time today she’d focussed back in to realise that Sara had been talking to her for a while and Five didn’t register any of it.

There was something different about this death. And Five didn’t know why. Five had seen a lot of shit since the apocalypse started a year ago, not all of it she remembered. But what was one more death.

Was it because it was a suicide?

“How about we go and get a cup of tea, yeah?”

Abel felt abandoned, no one worked outside in this downpour, even Janine wasn’t cruel enough to do that. Most work had clearly been suspended until the storm passed over.

_Please don’t let it be a thunderstorm._

They slugged past billets, people laughing just a little too loudly, voices a little too high, jokes landing too hard.

Everyone was trying really hard not to think about it the anniversary. Everyone was trying.

Not everyone.

Imagine, surviving a year, only to die at your own hand.

She hadn’t realised they made it to the farmhouse until Sara scolded Five about trekking in mud. Five toed of her stained boots, wet socks squelching on the hardwood floor, she pulled those off too and lay them out over her boots, hoping they’ll dry.

They probably wouldn’t.

The dull hum of indistinct voices echoed from the side room Janine let only a select few in.

Sara knocked on the door. “We’re back,” Sara said. “We’ll be in the kitchen.”

The kitchen was warm, the harsh rain hardly audible through the thick windows. There was a time when Five had wanted to live in a place like this. Maybe with someone…definitely with someone. They could have got a dog, maybe some cats. It had been a long time since Five thought about that dream. Time’s had changed.

It was comforting though, rehashing the memory. In a bittersweet sort of way. Some people didn’t have the luxury of old memories anymore.

Many people.

Five shivered, waiting for Sara to indicate she could sit before taking a chair, resisting the urge to pull her knees to her chest and hug herself. Instead, maybe to impress Sara a little, she tried for a casual pose, resting her foot on her knee and leaning back… casually.

The kettle whistled, Sara left it going, busy opening a bottle of long-lasting milk.

“You’re brooding.” Sara said, finally getting the bottle open and turning her back to make tea, effectively silencing Five until she turned around to see her signs. She made her point, she didn’t need Five to answer it.

Five shook her head to get her wet hair out of her eyes, waiting.

“You hardly knew Francesca, it was my understanding that you had very few conversations before she left,” Sara said, spooning some sugar into one of the mugs. “So why are you agonising about it?”

It was clearly a rhetorical question, because Sara still refused to turn around.

“Two dead at your hand, three if you count Archie, then there was that guy in the chopper you shot clean through the skull. So, what I don’t understand is why you would now take responsibility for the life of someone you didn’t actually kill.”

The rain had gotten harder, pelting against the window, if she focussed, she could hear the roll of it.

_If you count Archie?_

Five groaned loudly, pushing her dripping hair back, eyeing Sara when she turned around at the noise.

“I’m not doing this,” she signed.

Sara folded her arms. “What is this?”

“I want to go to bed,” Five said, voice hoarse and painful in her throat. “So you can stop this…whatever this is.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“You are, and whatever it is, it’s not making me feel better.”

“Who says I want you to feel better?”

Five laughed coldly. “Right, sorry, I forget, my apologies, why would you care about how I feel when you don’t even care about the death of your own children.” Sara tensed up. It was subtle, barely there, but it was something, and Five latched onto that, enjoying it. “It must be really nice not giving a shit about the dead.”

“You, girl, are treading on some thin ice.”

Five shrugged. “Then stop getting in my shit, and I’ll stop getting in yours.”

Something in Sara’s jaw tensed, and for just a moment Five wondered if she was finally able to crack her poker face. She could see the movement, she couldn’t name it.

“No one is stopping you from leaving,” Sara said.

The wind shook the frames, it was starting to sound too close to thunder.

When she looked back to Sara, Sara made a point of looking to the window as well.

“Are you afraid of a little thunder, Five?”

“No.”

Sara didn’t believe her, she smiled gently, and deposited one mug of tea in front of Five, resuming her leaning against the counter, cradling her mug in her hands. “But you are afraid…you’re talking.”

Five blinked, she hadn’t even realised she started to speak, she’d gotten so used to it around Sam she didn’t notice when she slipped into it. Like a switch, Five could no longer choke out a word or sound. She tutted.

“Now you’ve gone and ruined it,” Five signed, trying to cover up the shame of it by plastering mock annoyance.

Shamed. Why was she ashamed of talking?

Sara cocked her head. “You know for the longest time I thought you were faking it.”

“For what gain?”

“I had considered it was an attention thing-,”

“Careful, now you’re really starting to sound like my mum,” Five interrupted.

“But you’re too shy for that. So, I thought it was a way to hide an accent.”

“Wait, please tell me you thought I was Russian spy or something,” Five asked, a bubble of excitement growing.

Sara raised a brow. “I’d considered it…why do you look so damn chipper about that.”

“It was just a thought I had,” Five signed cheerily despite the numbness setting into her hands from the cold rain. “When did you realise, I wasn’t faking?”

“Your birthday.”

Five shook her head. “The day we got my ID.”

“The day you had a panic attack and didn’t ask for help.”

That set Five on edge, the bubble burst. “What?”

“I saw you panicking outside the rec room, and you didn’t say a word.”

“Oh great, so my inability to function whilst freaking out was what convinced you I’m not some super spy but really just a dumbass with PTSD.”

“Pretty much yes.”

“Great.” Five blew some hair out of her face. “Just great.”

“If you think about it, Abel is just full of dumbasses with PTSD.”

Five smirked. “I got you to say dumbass.”

Sara ignored her. “I’m surprised that you admit it though, given how emotionally stunted you are.”

“I may be emotionally stunted, but I am not an idiot, I know how these things work.” She knew completely how these things work, she was starting to see it in Sam.

“Not an idiot, still a dumbass,” Sara’s mouth twitched just a little.

Five huffed. “You got me there.”

“When did you realise something was wrong?”

“If you didn’t notice, I’m not much of a talker, so that sort of tipped me off that-,”

“Christ you are a piece of work sometimes,” Sara said. “I mean-,”

“I know what you mean,” Five signed, rolling her neck a few times. “I think I always had problems. The apocalypse just brought them out.”

“You think?”

Five took a deep breath, determined to push this conversation away, it made her exposed, laid out and bare in a compromising position.

“I’m sorry what I said about your kids, that was cruel.”

Sara hummed but didn’t say anything for the longest time. “There’s a sick glee that comes from being talented at getting to the deepest pain in someone in just a few sentences.”

“I didn’t-,”

“You did, and you said it. And something has to be said about how you knew that would set me off,” Sara continued. Five had known that, it’s why she said what she said. And she’d enjoyed it too.

Sara was right, that was a bit sick.

“But don’t get any ideas Five, I know far more about what sets you off.”

Five didn’t like the sound of that. She also didn’t like the crack of thunder far of in the distance.

There was no way Sara didn’t notice her flinch, it had been too obvious.

”And it seems I have one more thing.”

* * *

“This is what you get for playing out in the storm last night,” Simon said, throwing another blanket at Sam. “You get sick.”

Sam coughed, wrapping the blanket around him to try and warm himself up. It was the start of August and Sam was frozen. “You were in the rain too.”

“Yes but I’m not skin and bone like you, I have an actual constitution, didn’t dump all my stats into…what are you good at?”

“I can’t even be mad at you after you made a DnD joke,” Sam whined. His throat felt like gravel, he had to drag his words over fields of thistles and wire just to get them to form sound.

“Five’s been explaining how it works, I’m surprised she still hasn’t joined your campaign.”

“Yeah…well she’s been busy,” Sam mumbled, flicking to the camera’s for today’s mission, taking a while to remember what cams he had to access.

“Am I detecting a note of jealousy there Sam?” Simon jeered. “Upset you’re no longer sharing a room?”

“What do I have to be jealous about, she’s busy training, it’s not like she’s-,” Sam cut himself off before he said something incriminating.

He wasn’t happy about moving back to his room, it wasn’t Five’s fault, she wasn’t even the one who suggested it. Maxine had pulled him aside and explained that Five was clearly getting no sleep and that maybe it would be better if they went back to separate rooms.

Sam was obviously happy to do something to help Five, but his own sleep had been troubled since. If only she found his presence as comfortable as he found hers.

“Like she’s what? Sam like she’s what, what were you going to say?”

“Nothing.”

“You were going to say it’s not like she’s hanging out with someone else.”

“No. I wasn’t.”

“You were. You were so going to say that. You are _so_ jealous.”

“I don’t like Five,”

“I never said it.”

“But you implied it.”

“You said the words not me.”

“Well I don’t.”

“Okay then, you won’t mind if I take my shot then, she’s rather pretty and I think she could really do with a good time after-,”

His cheeks burned. “Are you serious?”

“No Sam I’m not serious,” Simon chuckled. Sam didn’t know what to believe. “I promise Sam, I’m not serious, but you can’t deny that you like Five, it’s pretty obvious. Well…not to Five, but really, I think you could propose to that girl and she wouldn’t pick up on it. You know I flirted with her for months after she got to Abel and she never once picked up on it.”

“I think she did, she just shot you down.”

“No…it was totally because she was oblivious,” Simon leaned closer. “You haven’t denied it.”

“Simon, I feel really ill, now isn’t the time.”

“Sam?”

“If I tell you will that get you out of the shack and onto the mission.”

Simon crossed his heart. “I promise, I’ll behave as well, Five won’t even guess that I know, so, do you admit to it?”

Sam stared at the camera where Five was bouncing on her feet by the gate, waiting for Simon to bring out the headsets. She waved at a guard off screen smiling wildly.

“A little,”

Simon clapped his hands. “I knew it.”

“You won’t say anything,” Sam said. “You promise.”

“I won’t say anything to Five, promise.”

There was something odd in that sentence but he didn’t have the energy to place it. “Okay then well-,”

The door to the comm shack crashed open. “Samuel Yao, what is this I hear about you being sick, I can’t believe Jody had to tell me she heard you throwing up this morning,” Maxine darkened the doorway, hands on hips, looking about ready to throttle someone.

“That’s my cue to leave,” Simon said, dipping out of the door.

Maxine started to check him over, pulling out a thermometer from nowhere and shoving it in his ear.

“No. I’m fine. There’s nothing to worry about,” Sam batted the thermometer away, flicking on the mic. “Runner Three, Runner Five, you good to go?”

Simon gave the gate camera a thumbs up. “Locked and loaded. Where are we off to today?”

“Stand down a minute, Runner Three, I need to talk to your operator,” Maxine shoved her thermometer in Sam’s face. “Sam! You have got a hundred degree fever and you can barely keep your eyes open.” Sam didn’t understand Fahrenheit, so he’ll just pretend a hundred degrees was normal. “Let someone else take the comms. I can get Janine for you if you want.”

He resisted the urge to massage the headache forming in his temple. “No, nope, no good. Sorry, not happening. Janine doesn’t know that area at all. Evan’s on in an hour for the meds run. You need this equipment, and we have a window. It’s got to be me, and it’s got to be now.” He yawned, talking through it. “There’s no one else. I don’t feel that bad.”

Maxine shifted from foot to foot. “Well, why don’t I stay and do it? You can fill me in on the route before you leave.”

“Oh, you can’t do it,” Sam said. “What about your experiment?

“Well, I’ll, uh – I’ll get someone to watch the samples for me.”

He was getting a little sick of arguing his case. The longer they debated, the longer until the mission started and ended and he could have a nap. Maybe. Let’s be real he probably couldn’t sleep well. “Now, I thought you said they needed constant monitoring. You going to leave that up to someone else after you’ve been working on it for days? What if they knock something over, or mix up the red spores with the green ones? What if someone sneezes into the test tubes? I don’t think you should risk it.”

Maxine looked apprehensive. “If I leave you here, I do not want you pushing yourself too hard, got it?”

Sam shot her some finger guns.

“Relax, Doc. We’ll keep little Sammy in line,” Simon said, punching Five in the arm.

“Hey!”

A timer on Maxine’s hip beeped. “Damn! I need to rotate the samples. Look, are you sure you’ll be-,”

“I’m fine,” he snapped. Sam took a moment to get his irritability under control. It wasn’t Maxine’s fault, he just felt bad. “But, um, if you come back later, would you mind bringing another duvet? It feels…it’s really cold in here.”

“It’s quite warm in here, Sam-,”

“Hey, Grey’s Anatomy,” Simon butt in, “we getting this show on the road, or what?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Um, uh… you’re going to want to head into the city by the usual route. Nothing fancy. Uh, and the uh – yeah, the way looks clear.” He stared at them, both stood still, looking around like a pair of numpties “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Do you think you might have forgotten something, maybe?” Simon asked.

“Um…”

“It rhymes with raise the gates.”

So Sam was the numpty

“Oh! Raise the-,” he swallowed back a roll of nausea. “Right. Yeah, raise the gates.”

The mission…went.

To be honest Sam couldn’t recall a lot about how the mission went. He was a little focussed on not vomiting into the bin under the desk, and then Simon suggested he take a nap, and really that was very appealing.

Sam curled up in the chair, tucking his feet under him, pulling the blanket closer, he just needed to close his eyes, just rest them for a moment.

The moment lasted all but three seconds when Maxine charged in again and Sam jumped half out of his skin.

Honestly Maxine, some of us have headaches.

There was more talking, more mission related stuff he tried very very hard to focus on because it was important information, but the room was spinning, and really the only way to stop it was to close his eyes, just to prevent him vomiting on the desk.

“Sammy?”

Sam blinked, Maxine close to him, arms on his shoulders.

“Did I fall asleep again?”

She nodded. “How about we get you to bed huh?”

“The runners?”

“Just got back, they’re safe, you don’t need to do anything else today, buddy.”

That was all he needed to know. He let Maxine help him up, guiding him to his room. He flopped onto his bed and curled up.

Maxine patted his shoulder. “I’ll come check on you in a few hours yeah?”

Sam nodded, already half asleep, praying some rest would make him feel better.

It didn’t.

When Sam woke again he wasn’t even sure what was going on. He had vague memories of someone coming into his room asking why he wasn’t working. Then them leaving to grab the doctor. He vaguely remembered Maxine prodding and poking at him and then leaving again.

She said some things, and he responded, but he couldn’t for the life of him remember what it was. So when he heard talking in the communal area Sam was a bit miffed people were talking without him knowing about it.

He dragged himself out of bed, wrapping a blanket around him and waddled into the communal area.

Five was sat crossed legged, scrubbing her running boots clean whilst Jody painted Simon’s nails as Simon was sprawled half out the door. Was he tanning his legs? All three of them were wearing as few clothes as possible. In Five and Jody’s case their sports bras and shorts, and Simon was pushing it with a pair of very tight briefs. It wasn’t that hot was it?

“Sam?” Jody started, lowering the nail polish. “How you feeling?”

He honestly felt terrible, he was shaky, and cold, and nauseous, and his whole body ached and he just wanted to be held until he felt better.

Sam made a noise he hoped would convey the general not goodness of the whole situation, waddling into the room, flopping onto the floor next to Five and wrapping his arms around her waist, pressing his face into her shoulder.

Jody laughed, “That bad huh?”

“I’m going to die,” Sam said, voice muffled. He enjoyed the way Five adjusted her sitting to hug him back, though the smell of nail varnish made his stomach roll.

“Evan’s got Sara out on a med run,” Simon said from the door. “They’re looking for…what’s it called, it had a long name?”

Sam turned his head to look at Simon, keeping his hold on Five.

“Jody, what’s it called?” Simon asked.

“I don’t know, something to help with the fever,” Jody explained.

“Don’t have fever, just cold,” Sam mumbled.

Five rested a hand on his head, it was cool, and he leaned into it a little.

“Five seems to disagree,” Jody said. “You are looking very flushed Sam.”

“It’s just because he’s getting free cuddles,” Simon said.

Sam didn’t have the energy to bite back, he just held Five closer. 

“Damn you really are sick,” Simon said. “This can’t have been just from the storm last night.”

Jody frowned. “You know that’s a myth right?”

Simon shook his head. “Nooo, my Nan always used to say if you get your feet wet you get sick.”

“So you get sick in the shower? In the bath? Did your Nan get sick every time she had a bath?”

Simon tutted. “You know what I mean, like, if you get your feet wet in the rain.”

Jody turned around to face Simon, her back to Five and Sam. “Five and Sara got caught in the rain yesterday and they are fine?”

Sam looked up at Five, she pulled a face at him like _typical._

He didn’t know why, maybe it was the tiredness, or the way she ran her hand over his spine, but Sam smiled and pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder, feeling a little better now they were closer.

Five froze for a moment, staring wide eyed, then she softened, ruffling his hair.

“Here, let me move so we’re both more comfortable,” she signed, kicking her boots out of the way.

“No but it’s like rooted in fact, you go in the rain, you’re more likely to get sick,” Simon said.

“You were…you used to work in health and fitness,” Jody‘s voice started to go very high.

Five gently removed Sam’s arms from her waist, shifting so she was leaning on the wall, legs out straight. Sam went to hug her again but she directed his head onto her lap.

She was right, this was far more comfortable.

He curled up, the sounds of Simon and Jody arguing fading a little when Five started stroking his hair, lacing her fingers through it. Sam still felt terrible, like he was either going to vomit or pass out, or both, but her fingers in his hair was comforting, and he felt himself relax, practically going limp. He closed his eyes, feeling a little floaty.

Sam dozed, aware enough to hear, but relaxed enough to not really care to respond.

“Jesus christ, that boy is sick?” Simon said.

Jody hummed. “Maybe we should get Maxine.”

There was a pause, Five removed her hand from his hair. Sam felt his anxiety rising.

“Okay, right I’ll go grab her,” Simon said, footsteps receding.

Five went back to stroking his hair and the brief spike of anxiety faded.

Someone shuffled around, a long silence. Sam was jolted a little when Jody started talking again. “He does look rather cute when he sleeps, never noticed how pretty he is,” a pause, Jody snorted. “Damn, Five, your face is a picture right now, relax.”

The next silence was long enough that Sam actually did drift off.

It was very easy too. Pressed up against Five, wrapped in a blanket, a gentle breeze coming through the door, Sam felt a lot of the pain drift away, and so did he.

* * *

”Hey Five, you awake?”

Five blinked, staring at Maxine’s dark eyes. She had to squint to see in the dark. When had night fallen?

Five looked down, Sam was still asleep on her, curled up. He was shaking a little, skin clammy and fevered, but he was sleeping. 

Five absently played with his hair. 

“It’s been hours since I last came by, I’m thinking of moving him to the hospital,” Maxine’s voice was low enough that it had to be late. Why had no one woken her?

Five frowned. “Is he that sick?”

“No...No it’s just the flu, he’ll be fine, I just want to keep an eye on him,” Maxine looked down at Sam, an expression that could only be described as deep fondness on her face. “He’s barely been sleeping or eating, it really was just a matter of time.”

Five had noticed those things, even those two weeks they shared a room, Five had sat up with him most nights, was with him when he ate, she should have tried harder to make sure he got better. 

“I don’t know how to help him,” Five signed. 

Maxine smiled sadly. “You’re doing enough Five.”

Five didn’t feel like enough. She tucked some of Sam’s hair behind his ear. 

“Five?”

She looked up, waiting for the question. Maxine stared at her for a while, an odd expression on her face. She seemed to come to an internal conclusion and shook her head. “Come on, help me get him to the hospital then I want you in bed, I can’t deal with two sick idiots, let alone one.”

”What about you, have you heard of something called sleep?”

”I get sleep,” Maxine said. 

“Thirty minutes every four hours doesn’t count.”

”I need to get this...I need to-,” she cut herself off. “Can we talk about this in the morning.”

Five nodded, she knew that feeling. “Sure, everything is easier in the morning.”

”I’m pretty sure you stole that line from me.”

”It’s a good line,” Five rested her hand on Sam’s head again. 

Maxine leaned forward, gently shaking Sam’s shoulders. He barely opened his eyes, groaning a little. “Hey Sammy, we’re going to ask you to walk to the hospital and then you can go back to sleep, yeah?”

Sam barely nodded, needing Five’s help to sit up. God he looked awful. 

“How you feeling?” Maxine asked. 

“Room’s spinning,” Sam mumbled. 

“Five can you grab him some PJ’s and clean clothes, and maybe his wash bag.”

Five shot up, quickly grabbing her favourite pair of Sam’s jeans and shirt, along with the giant shirt he slept in. She bundled it into his pack, softly closing his door. She paused outside her room, then darted in and grabbed her teddy, shoving it in the bag as well. 

Sam was still looking very green when she returned, head leaning back against the wall. It hurt to see him like this.

”Right Sam, I’m gonna have you stand up, lean on Five if you need it.”

Yeah Sam looked about as able to walk as Five was able to have a good nights sleep. Which was, not at all...ever.

”I can carry him you know,” Five signed. 

Sam snorted. “No you can’t, I am...,” he pulled a funny face. “Can you?”

Five nodded. “I can carry Simon so I think you should be fine.”

Sam made a weird noise at the back of his throat that left Five confused and Maxine looking smug. 

“Well Sammy, would you like to be carried by Runner Five?” Maxine said, an odd tone in her voice. 

Sam was very red. “Sure I guess.”

Five handed the bag over to Maxine. “Right My lord, how would one like to be carried, bridal style, fireman’s lift, or my personal favourite, the piggy back.”

”I’ll never say no to a good piggy back, but I’m really not feeling the jumping.”

She grabbed her shoes, pulling them on. “I could carry you like a baby, or you could just cling to me like a koala,”

Sam snorted. “Yeah, I don’t really go in for that.”

”Bridal it is.”

”I’d make a beautiful bride,” Sam said, eyeing Five as she approached.

”Radiant even,” Five signed, she squatted down, wrapped his arm over one shoulder and picked him up. 

Sam was a little too light. Yeah, she really should have kept a closer eye on his eating. 

”You know, I’m pretty impressed Five,” Maxine said, holding the billet door open for her. 

Five couldn’t really sign in response so she just shot her a smug smile over her shoulder, catching a look Maxine was giving Sam behind Five’s back. 

What was that look? Why was Maxine being so weird?

Sam swallowed and turned away from Maxine, instead watching Five’s face. 

She scrunched her nose at him, he pushed her face away, laughing lightly. 

Despite Sam’s good humour, it was clear he was trying very hard to stay awake, by the time Maxine held the door open to the hospital and Five deposited Sam on the bed he was nearly out. 

Five hovered for a few moments, wondering if there was anything more to help. 

“Five go to bed,”

”I’ve trained with you, I don’t mind helping,” she signed. 

“Go to bed now or I’ll drug you,”

”Sounds like fun.”

Maxine stepped between her and Sam. “He’ll be fine, it’s just the flu, now go to bed.”

”Just the flu,” Five tensed her hands. “But-,”

”Five,” Maxine scolded. “Go.”

She practically shoved Five out of the hospital, closing the door behind her, rolling down the blinds to the window. 

Five stood awkwardly alone in the dark, maybe if she knocked, Maxine would-,

Five took a breath. He’ll be fine. He will be fine. It’s just the flu. 

Five decided to go for a run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn’t post in a week, a lot of stuff happened that I needed to deal with. But I’m back now, however I’m going away this weekend so I won’t be able to post, but I will try to get three chapters out this week before then
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and stay safe out there!


	25. But for the ones who sing in the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No more spoilers after last chapter  
> CW - Violence

The ribbon had slipped down to the wrist. Five tutted, undoing it and redoing it over the stab wound. It still hadn’t fully healed, and it was definitely going to scar, but how she was going to hide that was a problem for another day.

Today’s problem, sneak through a dedlock outpost in a hospital to get Sam some fever reduction medication. Maxine had already plugged him full of paracetamol and ibuprofen and his fever was still climbing, so another med trip it was.

Five shoved down the feeling a worry bubbling in her, she could worry later, now she needed to be on top of her form.

_Calm and collected._

“I spotted nine guards on patrol,” Five signed at Sara across the car park. “They stagger the patrol so we can’t predict it.”

Five could see Sara’s annoyance even at this distance. “We need a distraction,” she signed back.

“I could always scream at them.”

“A distraction, not a death.”

“It’ll be exciting.”

Sara didn’t respond for a while, her eyes scanning the hospital windows. She tapped the mic to get Five’s attention again. “Think you can climb up to that window?”

It was rather high, and Five’s few experience with climbing had been to get over a shed when escaping from Chris’ house. But she was stronger now, better. She had to be, for Sam.

“Course I can,” Five said.

Sara nodded. “Okay, I’ll distract the guards, as soon as you see an opening, take it.”

“Sure thing,”

“Be quick about it,”

“Always am.”

Something bright flashed in the window. Shit. She tapped her mic.

“Sara, window has a sniper,” Five signed but Sara had already started moving around to intercept with the patrol.

Fuck.

Five took a deep breath, if she was quiet and fast enough, coming up below the window would mean the sniper wouldn’t see her till she was on them.

Then it was just a matter of speed.

It was difficult to keep the charred earth quiet under her boots as she circled around through the tall grass to get as close to the hospital wall as possible. She’d have to come at it from the side, otherwise the sniper would spot her approach across the car park.

When she got as close as she could without being exposed Five waited.

“Okay Five,” Sara said over the headset, “On my mark.”

Five dug her feet into the ground, preparing for a dead sprint.

“Mark.”

Something exploded, Five pelted out of the grass. People yelled, gunshots fired and Sara was swearing like a bloody sailor until Janine muted Sara’s feed to Five.

Five skidded to a stop under the window, taking a few steps back, memorising the foot and hand holds, then she threw herself at it.

Easy was not how she should have described it, really it was very very hard. Her foot cracked into a windowsill on ground floor and she propelled herself upwards, hand latching onto a small outcropping.

Fast, she had to be fast.

Five locked her second hand onto the outcropping, half pulling her weight up, half swinging her legs to land. Once her foot struck something semi stable, Five thrust upwards with that leg.

She overshot it, landing hard on her ribs through the window, right next to the rifle.

It went off, the dedlock surprised, the sound loud enough to make her ears ring.

Five grabbed the barrel of the rifle, feet scrambling to find purchase. The metal was scorching hot, her hand burning from direct contact, she yanked it from the dedlocks grip, then slammed it back into their skull, knocking them onto their arse.

They didn’t go down, but it gave Five time to throw the rifle to the ground and scramble into the room, the dedlock was padding for a pistol in a holster, blood pooling over their eyes.

Five kicked their hand, grabbed their collar and slammed their head into the hard floor.

The dedlock stilled.

Five hissed, she looked down at her hand, a nasty burn on her left palm.

_Well that’s fun._

More gunshots went off outside and Five was reminded how little time she had.

She grabbed the dedlocks pistol and ammo, and threw herself into the corridor.

She had memorised the layout of the hospital, but she’d memorised it intending to come in through the ground floor. Her brain wasn’t adept at flipping maps around fast enough and pulling up the different floors without the ones before it.

Five tapped her mic a few times. _Abel, I need assistance._

The mic on the other end flicked on. “Right Runner Five,” Janine started. “Run to the end of the corridor, then take two rights and then your third left, should get you to the pharmacy.”

Five tapped an acknowledgement and sprinted in the correct direction.

The further in she went the more muffled the noise outside was. It was likely that there would be dedlocks further in who didn’t hear the commotion, and unless they had radios, which was unlikely seeing as Janine hadn’t picked up on any radio signals coming out of the hospital, they didn’t know.

Five slowed just as she came up to the pharmacy, four guards stood mulling around, unaware they were being attacked. It appears this is where the dedlocks have been holding up supplies for this outpost, not only was there medical supplies, but food, and electronics. Damn they really were clearing out all the local hospitals.

A stab of anger hit Five.

They were hoarding everything, Abel and New Canton always made it a point to leave supplies behind when they raided places, incase someone comes through and is desperate, but the dedlocks had been sweeping through hospital after hospital and ripping anything that wasn’t attached to the walls.

They even had a crate of baby food and nappy’s, since when did they need that much baby food?

She backed up out of sight, eyeing the area for something to help. There were rows and rows of tall shelves in alphabetical order, many were empty, but a few still looked well stocked. She needed a way to turn their eyes off the A section.

Five couldn’t take four men in one go, but if the mission was to succeed, this is where she would complete it.

A glass case, just at the end of the pharmacy, shelves empty.

Five raised her pistol and took the shot.

The glass shattered, the case rocking on impact. The four men all turned to look at the glass and Five darted behind a crate.

“The shot came from over there,” one said, pointing at the corridor she just came through.

Five scurried around behind another crate, watching the head of one dedlock move towards the corridor.

Five kept half a mind on each of them, half a mind on searching for the medication. 

Acetaminophen, liquid acetaminophen.

There, a whole box, on a shelf the furthest from the door.

“Where the fuck did, they go,” one voice called.

“Maybe they ran back into the corridor,” one said.

“Maybe they are in here.”

“You two-,” a new gruff voice said, “-check out the corridor, you, with me.”

Steps started to get closer, the two behind patrolling the shelving units.

Five grabbed the medicine and tipped it into her pack, scared zipping it up would cause too much noise. She replaced the box and fled around another shelf as one guard came around the corner.

“You see anything?”

“Nothing yet.”

Five grabbed a bottle off the shelf, backing up and tossing it over the shelves to the right. It shattered on impact.

“What was that?”

“Press in, flank to the left.”

_If they want to flank, it’s probably best not to announce it as they did so._

How had the dedlocks lasted this long with tactics like this?

“That was a good idea, Runner Five,” Janine said.

Damn, Janine was so quiet compared to Sam, Five kept forgetting she was there.

Five watched the two of them perform their manoeuvre towards the noise, slowly approaching the shattered bottle.

She backed up, skirting towards the corridor, praying she wouldn’t bump into the other two guards.

Five paused. There, tucked into one of the food crates a little further into the room, a box of chocolates – curly wurlys.

“Runner Five,” Janine warned. “Runner Eight is waiting for you, you don’t have time.”

Five swallowed, it was a bad idea, it was such a bad idea.

“Rifle at the ready,” one announced. Five had the time, she had it.

She leapt at the box and pulled out the chocolates. The displacement knocked something in the box over.

Shit.

“It came from the crates.”

“They duped us.”

The slow steps melted into running, a gun cocking. 

“Runner Five, abort now.”

_That’s the general goal, Janine. I don’t like getting shot._

Five threw the chocolates in her bag, stumbling back as a bullet sprayed up splinters from the crate. Hiding was out the window.

Five shot up, throwing her pack half on, pelting towards the corridor.

“Get her!”

Bullets ricocheted off the white hospital walls, pain and metal shattering. She forced herself into a full sprint.

One right, two lefts, then a window.

Two figures blocked the first left. Five picked up the pace. They turned to look at her raising their rifles. What a day it was to run directly at the barrel of two guns.

She was on them before they had her in her sights.

No time to fight, Five threw her shoulder into the smaller one, creating an opening for her to bolt through. She crashed around another left and tumbled into the room with the unconscious sniper.

“Shoot her down!” someone called behind her, far too close for comfort.

No time to think, Five threw herself out of the window.

The falling was familiar, fast, comforting, a plummet with the surety of pain.

Her ankles burned on impact and Five’s chin smacked into the dirt right next to the abandoned rifle.

Habitually, she scooped that up, tossing it over her shoulder, gripping the strap as she scrambled to her feet and darted to the tree line.

“What happened to you not getting caught!” Sara yelled, running up to match Five’s pace as they sprinted away from the hospital.

Five’s hands were too full for her to sign back. Sara tutted, veering hard left.

More voices called out behind them, gunshots, people yelling out orders, Sara saw Five struggling with the weapons and her half on pack and took the rifle from her, lining up a shot, dropping to her knees and firing a spray behind them.

“Jesus, Five, did you alert the whole damn hospital?”

“The more the merrier.”

“Do I look merry, Five?” Sara reloaded. “This is not my merry face.”

Five used the opportunity to pull on her pack properly, zipping it up and tightening the straps.

Sara took a few more shots. “You ready to run.”

“Always.”

A final shot. Sara threw the rifle over her shoulder and they both bolted, a dead sprint back to Abel.

* * *

Sam opened his eyes to see Five with her pack propped open on her leg handing Maxine a bottle. She had a nasty bruise on her chin.

Maxine checked the bottle, then turned to Sam, pausing a moment. “You’re awake.”

Sam didn’t really have the energy to respond, so he just stared at her.

Maxine sighed, handing the bottle back to Five. “Maybe not then.” She approached him. “Here Sammy, could you try and sit up a little

He felt a chill go through him and curled even more into his blanket. He tried to say something, but the words meaning, and sound got lost on him. He did, and he’s very proud of this, manage to sit up without feeling like he was going to puke.

Maxine took his temperature again, the thermometer beeping in his ear.

Sam waited, watching Five put the bottle down, along with a few more bottles from her bag, and look at the palm of her left hand, grimacing a little.

“You’re hurt,” Sam choked out.

Maxine and Five stared at him.

He pointed at Five’s hand in answer.

Five smiled. “It’s just a burn, I’m fine,” she signed.

The thermometer beeped again and Maxine lowered it, making a noise as she read it.

“A hundred and four,” Maxine announced like it was his fault, wandering over to the medicine and setting up the injection. Five’s expression was grim.

“Is that bad?” Sam asked.

“You’re very warm,” Five signed.

Sam smirked. “You can just say I’m hot.”

Maxine snorted. “Right,” she raised a needle and had him hold his arm out. “This should help.”

The warm sting of an injection was nothing compared to the headache he’d been feeling even through the haze of painkillers.

Sam tensed his arm a few times, eyes still trained on Five as she watched. She noticed him staring and smiled again, then held up a finger and dropped to the floor, her pack between her legs as she unzipped it again.

Maxine pulled the needle free and cleaned the area, standing and putting the equipment away, watching Five over her shoulder.

Five smiled sheepishly and pulled out a giant box of curly wurleys.

Sam gasped. “What!”

Sam took the box of chocolates from her and studied it. Turning it over in his hands, it been months since they found any.

Sam cradled the box close to him. “Where did you find these?”

Five tapped her nose, squeaking in surprise when Maxine grabbed her hand and started checking it over.

”How did you manage this one?” Maxine asked, letting go of Five’s hands to let her sign.

“I grabbed the barrel of a rifle,” Five signed. “It was a very smart move on my part.”

“A rifle!” Sam said. “Who’s rifle, you don’t own a rifle?”

“A Dedlock rifle, I have to say it was very cool, and no one even saw it.”

”Maybe you should focus on being smart instead of being cool,” Maxine said. “And the one on your chin, let me guess, you got punched.”

”I don’t always get punched,” Five signed. “No everyone wants to punch me.”

“I wanna punch you,” Maxine mumbled. 

“I’m pretty sure you took an oath about that,” Five signed. 

“I don’t recall,” Maxine said. “Who punched you?”

”Actually, I spiced it up a bit, threw myself out of a second floor window,” Five signed. 

Maxine folded her arms. “The truth.”

”That’s it,” Five laughed. “I’m not lying.”

”Uh-huh,” Maxine grabbed her hand again and started to clean the wound, silencing Five whilst her hand was being treated.

Sam felt another wave of nausea hit him and he held the box of chocolates closer, feeling a little guilty they went through such trouble for him. He caught Five’s eye, hoping to apologise, but she just gave him the biggest toothy smile and Sam was rendered a little speechless.

How does he find the words for this? 

Once she nodded a job well done, Maxine made a point of sniffing loudly. “Five, you’re welcome to stay, but you smell like a gym locker, could you maybe get a shower.”

Five sniffed her armpit. “I smell fine.”

”You smell like hot garbage,” Maxine said. “Don’t be disgusting and get washed up, please, my eyes are watering.”

”Rude.”

Five stood, patted Sam’s arm before waving to Maxine as she left.

He didn’t know if it was the fever or the genuine feelings, but Sam started to cry.

Maxine frowned. “What’s wrong Sam?”

He wiped his nose. “She’s just too good to me, she’s the best…I…” he sobbed.

Maxine chuckled. “Five is lovely.”

“More than that, she’s brilliant and funny and smart, and really pretty and…” Sam kept crying. “And she always brings me tea and-,”

“Yeah Sam, we know.”

“I just love her so much, you know.”

“I’m sure that’s the fever talking.”

Sam shook his head. “No…no! I really love her, like…I just look at her and…” he started to cry again.

Maxine knelt down next to him and gave him a hug, rubbing his back. “I know buddy.”

Sam hadn’t realised he fell asleep again until Five opening the door a little too loudly startled him.

Bashfully, she raised the plates of food to show why she had kicked the door open.

Sam pointed at her, looking at Maxine in her desk chair. “See, that’s my point.”

Five looked confused. Before Sam could explain Maxine started.

“He’s having a lot of feelings right now,” Maxine said, taking the bowl. “This for me?”

Five nodded, indicating the other bowl was for Sam.

His stomach did some flips at the thought of eating. “I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat,” Maxine said. “Replace all that food you lost from being sick...multiple times...all night.”

“I haven’t lost anything,” Sam announced, he didn’t lose things. To prove a point Sam padded around for the box of chocolates, he didn’t lose them so Maxine had -

_Oh shit_

He had actually lost the gift Five brought him. He’s breathing grew rapid. “I-uh.”

Maxine shot up. “It’s okay Sam, I just put them on the desk, nothing to worry about.”

Sam could feel himself start to cry again.

“Oh no, Sam, it’s okay.”

“You are just so wonderful Maxine, you try so hard and we all know you’re hurting but you-,” he broke off into sobs, burying his face in his hands.

“He’s…Well...fevers making him emotional,” Maxine said. “Come on buddy, maybe try and get some sleep, you need to rest.”

Sam shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“What if, I have to look out for the runners, for Five, I can’t sleep if they need me.”

“All the runners are home Sam, Five’s right here.”

Five waved at him to prove a point. He reached out and grabbed her hand, surprised it was real. “You’re here?”

She nodded.

He looked down at her hand and poked at the bandages on it. “Don’t leave me.”

“Sam, Five’s had a long day, I’m sure she want-,” Maxine trailed off as she caught Five’s expression. “Perhaps…damn I need to check my samples. Five are you okay to stay with Sam for like an hour, I’ll be back to see if his fevers gone down by then.”

Five nodded, giving Maxine’s arm a squeeze as she left, bowl of food in hand.

With almighty purpose, Five turned back around to Sam, a look of determination on her face.

She leaned forward and pulled the hood of his hoodie up over his ears, tugging on the strings to draw it tight around his face, he chuckled, then watched as she pulled the blanket up around his face and pinned it together under his chin, before squishing his cheeks together and pulling a funny face at him.

He tried to smile but with his cheeks squished it didn’t work, apparently that amused her, as she let out a ring of laughter.

That smile could always make him happy.

She unsquished his face and held her hands on his cheeks, frowning ever so slightly, gently rubbing her thumb along his cheekbone. Sam turned into the palm of her scarred hand and kissed it.

She froze, then her expression softened, and she reached under the blanket and stroked his hair, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Cold?” She asked.

He nodded, pulling down the hood again

Five lowered her hand, picking at the bandages as she spoke. “You’re gonna be fine.”

“Yeah, it’s just the flu,” Sam announced. “That’s what Maxine keeps saying.”

“You couldn’t have just gotten like a low-grade cold, you had to go full out with this.”

“You know what I say, anything worth doing is worth doing right.”

“Noooo you always say anything worth doing is worth trying then not bothering to make perfect because who has the time and at that point you’ve found a new project to entertain yourself with anyway.”

Sam smiled.

He could stare at her for hours, learning the lines of her face, memorising each scar. The way her eyes nearly closed when she smiled properly, the fact that most her smiles were lopsided and imperfect.

“Have I ever told you how pretty you are?” Sam said.

Five’s face went very red. She leaned in conspiratorially. “I could stand to hear it more.”

Sam shivered again and Five started mulling around, searching for something.

Sam wrapped his hands around her wrist. “I’m cold, help me.”

“Looking for a blanket,” she said, peaking under the bed.

“You can be my blanket.”

She raised her brow.

Sam groaned, wrapping his other hand over the ribbon on her forearm and pulling her closer. “I’m dying…you can’t leave me.”

“You’re not dying.”

“I aaaaaammmm,” he whined. “Let a man have his dying wish, be my blanket, I demand it.”

He tugged on her arm. Five cried out, yanking her arm back.

“Five?”

“Sorry, I uh, you just, my arms a little hurt,” she said, cradling her arm to her chest.

“I’m sorry,”

“No it’s okay you-,” she turned her arm over, checking it. “You didn’t know.”

“What did you do?”

“It’s fine,” she rested her hand in her lap again, turning so she was half on the bed facing him. “Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Sam leaned forward and hugged her around the waist, resting his chin on her shoulder, she smelt like comfort. "You didn't, I'm just worried."

"Says the person with a hundred and four degree fever," Five said. 

"What is that in non-american?" Sam asked. 

"Uh...forty degrees," she explained. "I think."

"Is that bad?"

"It's not great."

"So I'm really hot right now," Sam smirked. 

Five snorted. "You're a bit clammy, yeah."

"Oy you," he said. "Tell me I'm hot."

"God, you are such a baby."

"I'm sick, you're supposed to compliment me," Sam said. "Otherwise you're just being mean."

"Welp, guess I'm an asshole then," Five said. 

Sam pouted. "I hate you."

"Tough talk for a guy who had to be carried to the hospital to stop him from swooning."

"I do not swoon, I...collapse, valiantly."

"Oh so valiantly, the most valiant of radio operators."

Sam yawned. "You remember that movie, about carrier pigeons, I think it was called valiant?"

Five snorted. "No!"

"It was an animation, I think there was a french mouse that liked explosions, like he really liked explosions."

"Are you sure you're not hallucinating?"

Sam focussed on the way Five felt against him, the rise and fall of her breathing. "I hope not," he said through another yawn, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on her shoulder, drifting a little.

"You tired."

"Mmhmm."

"Sam, darling, that position can't be comfy."

He just hummed in response, it was comfy enough that he was almost falling asleep.

"Right, you're going to get a stiff neck, here, just, let me-," Five shifted, scrambling onto the bed and leaning against the wall, pulling him into her side. "That better."

Sam was too tired to respond.

"Yeah I thought so," she ruffled his hair. "God you are a big sap aren't you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I’m going on a trip this weekend, so I don’t think I’ll be able to post the next chapter till Monday at the earliest, unless it rains a lot on this trip, then I’ll probably be able to post sooner!  
> I hope you enjoyed more of sick Sam, thanks so much for reading!  
> Stay safe out there!


	26. In spite of herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to Season 2 M23  
> CW: Suicidal ideation and panic symptoms (let me know if you want me to warn for certain things xx)

Five crashed into the comms shack, shoving him out of the way to stare at the camera’s, her pack from the morning run half off.

“There’s like, five hundred of them,” Sam said, peaking around her back. “Janine’s getting the spray off Maxine now.”

“She hasn’t tested the last batch,” Five said, eyes wide at the wall of bodies hurtling towards them, they were still miles out, but that fact didn’t make it any less scary. Sam reached forward and grabbed her arm.

She didn’t pull away but didn’t turn from the screen.

Maxine hadn’t had time to test the latest batch because she’d been too busy taking care of Sam. What if his illness meant nothing worked?

“It’s going to be fine,” she said, setting her jaw. “It’s all going to be fine.”

The way she looked, the steeliness to her expression, the long sharp lines of her face, Sam could almost believe her. She’d got him through his fever, he could believe she’d get him through this.

Five looked down at his hand around her wrist, she spun, leaning back on the desk and blocking the monitor twisting her grip to hold his hand instead, lacing her other hand into his. “You’re going to stay calm, and you’re going to be brilliant just like always.”

Sam smiled. “I am pretty brilliant.”

Her grip tightened. “That you are,” she swung their hands a few times. “How you feeling?”

“Still a bit woozy, but…well, you know, rest for the wicked and all that.”

The door to the shack smacked open, Five jerked her hands back.

“Runner Five, you need to report to the gates, on the double,” Janine ordered.

Five gave Janine a mock salute and darted out.

There was a small standoff as Janine eyed up the largest chair, the one Sam currently occupied, but she thought better of the argument and instead grabbed a stool and scooted up next to him, flicking on the speakers so the audio feeds sound allowed into the room.

Sam took off his headphones, running his thumb over the dinosaur sticker he put on it to match Five's.

“I hate this,” Sam mumbled.

“We all hate this, Mister Yao,” Janine sighed, reaching under the desk and pulling up maps of the local area.

And so, they started to plan.

“Guys, you’re going to need to run out to meet them, they’re heading in from Dogville, if you do a surround and divide, like what you did when that horde came at Abel last December, should get you in position to use the spray,” Sam said, checking each runner at the gate had some of the spray in their hands. “New Canton has set up their soldiers to defend themselves. It’s going to be okay.”

He did one last scan of the area, watched Five tie her hair back. “Okay…raise the gates.”

Each runner pelted out of Abel. The front-load, the ones he often worked with, Jody, Simon, Sara, and Five were downright lighting. Each had worked hard the last few months to increase their speed. Regular runs didn’t allow for many demonstrations of their skill, but this…it was like watching a storm.

They all sped towards the horde, the slower runners left in the dust to surround the closer side of the encroaching dead.

“Guys,” Jody panted between ragged breaths. “You realise we’re running directly towards a bunch of fast zombies?”

Simon chuckled. “Well, that is what we love to do, Four”

The door creaked open, the oppressive presence of the Major pushing down on him.

Deep breaths.

_You’re going to stay calm and you’re going to be brilliant._

“It might be what you-,”

“It’s all in the game plan, Four,” Evan said, cutting Jody off. “Fan out, as we practised, we need to surround them.”

The Major took the last seat in the room and sat right behind him. Sam really hoped she couldn’t see the shaking of his hands.

“Looks like a block of thirty at the front is the fastest. Moving at about an eight-minute mile pace,” he said, swallowing down the lump in his throat that was forming when the front block picked up their speed. “If I sound calm, it’s because the training in sounding calm is paying off. Not because I actually am, you know, calm.”

“Is it because you can see what we see, Sam?” Jody asked. “That they’re speeding up, and headed straight for Abel?”

“Run faster guys,” Sam said, biting his cheek when they picked up speed. “Faster than that.”

Simon swore at him banter fading now they could all see the horror approaching them. After a tense few moments of watching the dots split off one at a time, Simon’s dot taking the north point position the Major leaned forward for the first time.

She opened her mouth, and with a calm and stone voice asked. “Runners in position, Seven?”

“Aye, ma’am. Fifteen runners positioned to keep pace with the swarm,” Evan said, maintaining his composure. How does he do it?

Jody squeaked. “Fifteen, against five hundred. It’s a suicide mission.”

The major didn’t flinch. “It’s not, we have one thing they lack.”

“Fear…a sense of smell?”

“Brains,” the Major ignored Sam’s snort. “You’re all armed with our entire supply, enough to slow them down.”

Simon tutted. “Is that going to be much of an improvement? I mean…five hundred new shamblers. Yeah, no thanks.”

“At least the crowd at the back will stop knowing how to use those guns they’re carrying,” Janine snapped.

The Major eyed the screens for a long time, eyes flicking between each monitor, brow furrowed in thought. She looked down at the map on the table, running a scarred hand over some contour lines. “You are keeping good pace, Runners. We’re reaching the perfect place for it. The valley where the land dips down, the spray should linger even after you have passed it,” she gripped the edge of the table. “On my mark.” Her knuckles tightened. “Run through the lines, spray as you go…mark.”

Hisses of spray filled the mic feeds, a few runners descending into rounds of coughs, the dots marking their headsets moving through space the scanners picked up as the horde.

“Holy m-,” Sara retched. “This batch is stronger than the last.”

“I think I’m going to have an asthma attack,” Simon gasped.

The Major nodded slowly. “Potent stuff, alright. Taking no chances. That’ll stop those zombs dead in their-,” She cut herself off.

_It couldn’t be._

“Major?” Janine asked.

The Major leaned forward, her side pressing into him whilst he quickly ran the program to test the hordes speed. It beeped a confirmation. “I see it.”

“They’re speeding up!” Jody cried. “They’re getting faster when we spray them! And those ones at the back – oh God, do you see?”

Dread set in his stomach like ice. “They’ve got a rocket launcher,” he said.

In a burst of emotion so uncommon for The Major, she shot up, knocking the chair back, stomping to the door and ripping it open. “Get me the doctor, now!” She yelled out, slamming it shut and sitting back down.

Best not to comment.

Sam fought for something to do to help, he needed something to grip onto, to focus, but with this many dead and that many runners, there was very little he could do. He couldn’t direct them away from the zombies, he couldn’t warn them of them. Sam felt utterly useless.

What right did he have sitting safely in the shack with the runners out there almost dying?

“You’re going to be okay guys,” he said, though his voice sounded as weak to him as it must to them.

Maxine stumbled into the room, a haggard expression. “What’s going on? Is someone hurt?”

The Major didn’t look away from the screen. “You’re spray is malfunctioning. The bloody dead are speeding up. What happened?”

Maxine struggled to orient herself, she stumbled to the monitor, watching the speeding dead on the cameras. “I don’t know. I don’t know! It’s the same basic molecular structure. I just increased the concentrations, and-,”

“You didn’t test this batch?” The Major asked.

_No, she didn’t, because she was taking care of me._

Maxine shook her head, gripping at her collar. “I – we needed it so quickly. There wasn’t time to run full tests! It worked on cell cultures in the lab-,”

A scream silenced the room.

Sam spun back to stare at the monitors, frantic to spot the unmoving dot.

“They got Seventeen!” Jody announced.

“Fuck me,” Simon mumbled.

The Major pointed at the screen. “This isn’t a bloody lab, Doctor.”

“Yes, I see that,” Maxine’s expression crumpled. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I –“

“Runners, listen to me,” Sam started, not sure what he was going to say but desperate to say something. He stumbled, fighting for a plan. “They’re fast, but you can do this. Make for the treeline. Zombs can’t climb trees, and even if these can, you’ll have the advantage of being above them. Just go, now.”

“Leave Abel undefended?” Simon asked.

This was not a decision he wanted to make.

“Yao’s right.” The Major put a hand on his shoulder. “No sense wasting lives on an unwinnable battle. Runners, live to fight another day.”

There was a round of protest, Runners all swearing at him, telling him to stick it and they would fight till the end.

And in amongst the yells, a tiny pattern of tapping.

_Shut up, Sam._

Something in Sam snapped. “We’ve lost! We’ve lost. Abel can’t stand up to this kind of assault. Save your own lives. New Canton will take you in when we’re-,” Sam swallowed back the lump in his throat, the crashing horde swarming closer.

“Listen. I just wanted to say it’s been an honour being your operator,” it hurt to speak, but he needed to say it, he needed it out there. “All of you. Always, uh, chipper Runner Three.” Sam chuckled. “Runner _back from the dead_ Eight.”

His eyes landed on Five’s dot, skirting around the edge of the horde, skidding back and forth. “And Runner Five,” Her dot stopped, Sam lowered his head. It was now or never. “Five, I know I never said but I-,”

“Hate to interrupt a good death speech, Sam, but we’ve got a little present for you,” Nadia’s voice rung over the comms, the loud sound jarring.

Sam felt like he’d been punched in the face. “Uh…”

“We had a few free runners ourselves,” Esteban announced.

Sam scrambled to expand the field of few, picking up the green of New Canton runners not far off.

“Fifty runners, in fact, as a loose end,” Nadia said.

“I can see them,” Sara said, her dot stopping. “Coming over the hill, with noisemakers.”

Esteban chuckled. “And pistols, and sonic blasters to block the reprogramming signals. We think we can help you out with this little logistical problem.”

Sam could have wept. “Oh my God, you guys! Are you really the elves from Helm’s Deep?”

“Not being a geek, I wouldn’t know, but as a famous Australian once said, _Did you think we would leave you crying when there’s room on our horse for two?_ ”

Sam scowled. “How is that better than a Lord of the Rings reference?”

* * *

After the Major’s great speech, Five was sort of hoping for celebrations, maybe some drinking. Maybe just passing out in bed and not moving for twelve hours. But no, New Canton decided to bug off and left Abel to clean up the five hundred corpses.

Well, she couldn’t complain, they had saved Abel, but still, she was allowed to be bitter they just left the cleaning.

She was also a little bitter Nadia cut off whatever Sam was going to say.

_It’s not a love confession, stop thinking it’s a confession._

Five’s back was burning from the effort of piling up the corpses into pyres so they could be cremated. The smell of burning flesh burnt out her nose and after the first hour, she was pretty sure she lost her sense of smell entirely.

It didn’t help that Janine insisted they scavenge any useful equipment on the bodies, which added hours onto the job, and that Five was partnered with Jody who kept trying to find personal memorabilia on each corpse.

“Why?” Five signed, dropping the arms of the body she was dragging.

Jody looked a little sheepish. “You know that Phil guy, the one who helps run Radio Cabel?”

Five nodded. “The northern kid with glasses.”

“You can’t call him a kid if he’s older than you,”

“He’s a kid, anyway, continue.”

“Well, he’s been broadcasting names of the dead bodies some of NC runners find, and I wanted to help out, you know, it seemed like a good idea.”

Five groaned, Jody was barely helping drag the bodies anyway, she wasn’t really the strong type. “Fine, you focus on finding that I’ll focus on moving the bodies.”

Jody looked down at the handful of wallets already in her hand. “You sure?”

Five shrugged. “It’s a good idea, and we’ll be faster that way.”

“Lot more work on your end, though.”

“It’s fine.”

So, Five took over Jody’s bodies whilst Jody rushed to the other runners and search through their pile. It was late into the night by the time each body had been piled up and set alight.

After a while, the runners started to trickle back once the work reduced, and Simon and Five volunteered to be the last two in, Janine on the headset after Sam was ordered to the hospital again when he vomited into a bin under the desk once all the excitement was over.

Five was pretty sure it wasn’t illness related, she had heard the fear in Sam’s voice, Sam was convinced he was going to die today.

That was a jarring sensation when you weren’t used to it.

Five’s back and legs were spasmed, she could barely raise the torch to light the final pyre her arms ached so much.

“It’s a lot of bodies,” Simon said, taking the torch from her and doing a far more efficient job of setting it alight, not looking where he was pressing the flames too. “You ever just look at them and realise they all had lives, and hopes and fears, just like you…and now they are dead.”

Simon paused, staring at the flames licking up to the sky from the corpses, his expression hard to read.

“Sonder,” Five fingerspelt when he looked back at her.

“What?”

“It’s the realisation everyone has complex lives that exist outside of your influence.”

“Oh,” Simon glance back at the fire. “That’s a good way to put it.”

A kid zombie had been thrown on the pyre, it was hard to tell much about it, other than it was a small child and was halfway burned already.

Faces in fire. A tiny hand in hers.

She gripped her arm over her yellow ribbon, holding it tight enough the wound burned beneath.

“You good there, buddy?” Simon asked.

Five blinked up at him, watching his eyes flick between her face and the face of the child.

“Come on,” he laid a gentle hand on her head and ruffled her hair. “Let’s get back, hopefully, the others saved some food for us.”

He took her arm and led her away, the heat from the pyre burning against her back.

The others hadn’t saved food for them. In their excitement, Abel had partied a little too hard and the cooked food for dinner had been eaten, and everyone was just a little too drunk to realise it had been.

Simon gave Five a look and shook his head. “It’s great to feel forgotten about.”

“I’m sure they didn’t do it out of malice,” Five signed, even if she was a little upset.

Simon didn’t seem impressed by this. “Come on, Janine has lots of food in the farmhouse, I’ll cook you something up, I happen to be an excellent cook, would you like soggy pasta, or soggy pasta?”

“I should hope all pasta is soggy,” Five signed as she quickly searched the large group of people chatting, she couldn’t spot Sam’s orange hoodie anywhere amongst the crowd. Maxine was amongst the people talking, so it was likely he wasn’t in the hospital anymore.

She really needed to talk to him. What had he wanted to say?

The stupid, childish part of her kept suggesting it was a love confession, which was pathetic. Sam wasn’t just going to confess he loved her like that. Why on earth did she keep imagining it would be?

It was probably something far more platonic, like ‘I know I never said but you’re my best friend.’ Which while it would be brilliant to hear – Five never had a best friend – the thought of it being not platonic made her a little happier.

Simon was about to lead her out of the galley, running headfirst into Janine looming in the doorway.

“Runner Three, Runner Five,” she said.

Five gave her a curt nod.

“Janine,” Simon smirked.

Janine looked awkwardly between the two of them, was she blushing?

“Runner Five, I need to talk to Si- Mister Lauchlan about something, could you excuse us?”

Five didn’t need to be told twice, she turned on her heel, not missing the smirk on Simon’s face, and gave Janine the privacy she needed to pull Simon away for their _talk_.

So, the Farmhouse wasn’t an option.

The party had spilt out of the galley into the quad and open areas. Five wandered through, scanning the groups of people in the throes of loud discussion. Five couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming aloneness that came with parties. The realisation that no one would notice if you left. The fact that she could just disappear, and it wouldn’t affect anyone.

It wasn’t unfamiliar. She got it a lot before the apocalypse, the feeling that if Five died, really, no one would care.

Five shook her head.

_That took a dark turn._

She was just tired, that’s why she was thinking like this. Just tired.

Five picked at her hands, debating if she should try and integrate into one of the groups, to force her way into a conversation. Maxine was sat chatting loudly to Jody by a fire, looking shattered but happy.

A small part of her knew they didn’t really want her there anyway. And unless it was a runner or Maxine, Jack, and Eugene, they couldn’t understand her.

It was hard enough getting her voice out in conversations before the apocalypse, always hyperaware of how she’d often get too excited whilst chatting and interrupt the person, or how often people didn’t really listen to her and her voice would just fade and no one noticed she stopped talking.

Either way, Five never really felt welcome, a no one wanted her to talk. And now when all she had was signs, feeling alienated was unavoidable. Drunk and rowdy, people don’t notice her signing.

She took a deep breath, turned and left, making her way to her billet. She heard a few people giggling behind the rec room and Five decided to give them a wide berth, at least some people were having fun, but it did mean she’d have to take the long walk round past the greenhouse, and it seemed even there the party had filled out too.

When had Abel gotten so many people?

“Five?”

Five stopped, Sam was sat on top of a shed, legs dangling down, watching the party from above, hidden enough that she wasn’t sure anyone would spot him unless he announced himself.

“What you doing up there?” Five signed. “You’re going to break the shed.”

“I’m not that heavy,” Sam pouted.

Five chuckled. “Actually, you’re really not.” Sam was incredibly sober compared to the rest of the party-goers. “You not drinking?”

Sam shook his head. “Maxine said I couldn’t until I’m back up to a hundred percent.” He laughed. “Also, with how much I’ve been throwing up the past few days getting blackout drunk is not on my list of priorities.”

“You could always get high, I’m sure if you ask Owen nicely and traded like…all of your prized possessions and a kidney, I read somewhere that smoking is good for nausea.”

“I’m not nauseous right now,” he said.

“Then what are you?”

Sam stared at her for a while. “Lonely.”

“I don’t imagine sitting alone on top of a shed where no one can see you is the fastest cure for that.”

“I called you over, didn’t I?”

Five blushed.

_It’s not a love confession, he doesn’t love you._

“You want my company?”

“I want some company, not yours specifically,” Sam joked.

“Ouch, okay, enjoy being alone asshole,” Five pretended to walk away.

“FIIIIVVVEEE,” he whined.

“No, you have hurt me in the deepest way possible,” she signed. “I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.”

“I’m sorry, please, I could do with _your_ company.”

“Now that is what I like to hear,” Five scrambled up the side of the shed, her limbs burning from the exertion, damn she was knackered.

Sam helped her up the last bit of the way, making room for her to sit next to him.

“So...not in the mood for a party,” she asked, keeping her voice low so it wouldn’t travel beyond him.

“Yeah,” he dragged out the word, eyeing up the dancing. “I’m good for now. You not wanting to drink?”

“I usually get sad when I drink tired,” she rolled out her neck. “And I’m really tired.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah… it’s um, it’s been a long day, I don’t think alcohol is going to help my mindset,” she admitted, still a little shaken with the dark turn her brain had taken.

Sam leaned against her side. “Which is?”

She didn’t respond for a while, enjoying the feeling of him against her. Five liked that she no longer panicked when he touched her. “Not great, I know, I shouldn’t be such a downer, we did something good but-,”

“Hey, it’s okay, it was a tough day,” he hugged her arm eyes going down the line of her skin, landing on the bandaged burn on her hand. Sam picked it up and turned it over, holding her hand up to the firelight. “Did you really grab the barrel of a rifle?”

“I did.”

Sam skirted the edge of the bandage with his finger. “You do a lot for me, too much.”

“Nothing’s too much for you.”

“I don’t know,” he said, voice pushing for a joke. “I think if I asked you to jump off a cliff.”

“I trust you’d have a good reason for it.”

Sam seemed a little jarred she didn’t let his joke land. “Are you sure you’re not drunk, you’re being very complimentary?”

“No…just,” Five tensed her hand a little when he accidentally traced across the line of the burn.

“Sorry,” Sam said, letting go, sitting back a little. “What were you going to say?”

Five took a deep breath. She had to ask. “What were _you_ going to say?”

“What?”

“I uh…you said you had something to tell me... when you…you called Three _chipper._ ”

Sam’s expression locked into a weird shape of panic. Oh god, he was going to think she hoped it was a love confession and is scared to let her down.

She shouldn’t have brought it up.

“Oh um…I just-,” Sam stumbled. Jesus, Five really had fucked this up. She should just make a joke, break the tension of the moment, give him an out to let her down gently.

She scrambled for a joke, but nothing came because Sam was staring at her in the way that made her brain stop. She couldn’t do much more than just look at how pretty he is.

“I um…I just wanted to say I’m really glad I met you, you’re one of the best people I know.”

_Well, this hurts._

Five smiled, trying to hide the stabbing feeling in her chest, bowing her head and scrunching her nose a little to give her a few moments to compose herself.

“I’m glad I met you too,” she said, nudging his arm with her elbow, happy now that her stutter made it hard for him to tell she was upset.

“How is your arm?” Sam said, a little too quickly. He wanted to change the topic.

“Huh?”

“You said, you hurt your arm,” Sam said, nodding at the arm.

Five absently wrapped her hand around the ribbon. “It’s getting there.”

“What happened?” Sam asked, “I saw you with a bandage but-,”

“I caught it on something,” she lied.

Sam nodded

His eyes trailed over the crowd again, darting between each private group. The high rings of laughter and low tones of chuckles echoing across the night, the glow of the burning pyres of bodies turning the black sky an amber just beyond the wall. The colour was almost pretty if she didn't know what was fueling the flames.

“Five?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you teach me how to fight?”

That was even more unexpected. “Sure, but…why?”

“I was thinking, when the zombies were coming towards us, I just couldn’t help but think how useless I was going to be when they got here, how I wouldn’t really be able to fight them off.”

“Fighting zombies and fighting people are two very different things,” Five explained. “Besides, you’re not useless.”

“I am…a little,” he laughed coldly, no humour to his expression. “I got sick when no one else did, and that meant Maxine was too busy with me she couldn’t test out the batch, and yeah things turned out okay, but what if they didn’t, and seventeen is dead and it’s because I couldn’t do much to help.”

Sam's breathing picked up. He was spiralling. Badly.

“And what if I had to like, defend someone, and I couldn’t because I just sit on my arse all day watching other people do the good things.”

“Sam.”

“And like, I can’t even defend myself, let alone somebody else. What if I get stuck with a kid and have to look after them?”

“Sam.”

“I’m fed up of being just a useless idiot in the shack that lets everyone else do the fighting for me. I should be able to be better, I should be more I should-,”

Five hugged him, a tight hug around the neck, pressing her cheek to his, cutting off his descent into a panic.

Sam's breathing went from rapid hitches to a slow shaky tone in the space of a few seconds.

“Please don’t talk like that," Five whispered, afraid a loud noise might startle him.

Sam's arms were limp at his sides, his head dropping a little. “I am though.”

“Sam, you’re not useless, you save our lives every single day, just because you’re not out there running doesn’t make you any less of a brilliant person.”

There was a really long time where Sam didn’t respond. “We could have died today.”

His voice was so small.

“We could die every day,” Five said. “I could have died a thousand different ways already, but I haven’t yet because you are always there to help.”

Sam raised his arms and hugged her back, gripping at her shirt. “You’re too good to me.”

“Nothing is ever too good for you, dear.”

It felt like a confession if there ever was one.

Five knew she’d never say it, she wasn’t brave enough for that, and Sam was brilliant, and it would be conceited to think he wanted her, but Five could hold him and those words close to her chest.

Nothing was ever too good for him.

A translation.

The hidden meaning.

_I love you and I’ll never be good enough for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, this was a long chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it! I can never get over how Sam was going to confess something in cannon and we never found out what it was, s2s you're killing me here!  
> Anyway, thank you for reading!  
> Next chapter should be up on Thursday but I can't make any promises  
> Stay safe out there!


	27. There's a storm coming on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really really long, I'm so sorry  
> No more spoilers from last chapter but  
> CW: Vomiting, panic attack, discussion of medication, PTSD symptoms

A packet landed on Barts's head. The cat shook it off onto the floor and curled up tighter in Sam’s lap, purring like he didn’t have a tiny box land on him.

“Sorry, didn’t realise Bart was there,” Maxine said, picking up the packet off the floor and handing to him.

Sam briefly glanced at the label, not registering what it said for a few moments, feeling like he got punched in the gut when he did.

He muted his mic to Jody.

“Antidepressants?” Sam asked, his voice shrill. Sam coughed a few times, lowered his voice and tried again. “Anti- why are you handing me antidepressants?”

“How do you know they are?” Maxine asked.

“Well I…” Sam trailed off. “I’m not depressed.”

“Never said you were.”

“But you’re giving me sertraline,” Sam turned back to the scanners, still all clear for Jody. “Why spring this on me now in the shack, I’m in the middle of a mission, can we talk about this later?”

“There won’t be a later with how much you’re avoiding me.”

“I’m not-," Sam stammered. "I would never, you’re my friend Maxine and-,”

“Sam,” Maxine warned, folding her arm and leaning her hip on the desk. “I don’t blame you for getting sick.”

Sam squinted, how had she known that was the reason Sam was avoiding her. He had yet to figure out a way to apologise, for forcing her to work three times as hard to make the batch because she’d spent the days before the attack on Abel taking care of him. “Did Five tell you?”

“No…and she didn’t need to, I know when you’re being an ass,” she held the packet up. “And I know when you’re depressed.”

“I’m not-,” Sam sighed. “I’m not depressed.”

“You have a history of depression,” Maxine said. “You know what sertraline is.”

“Maybe I just like studying medicine names,” Sam said. “Maybe I have some deep hidden passion for the pharmaceutical lifestyle, you don’t know.”

“Name one other type of medicine that isn’t paracetamol or ibuprofen.”

Sam grumbled, flicking over to a new camera that had a better angle of Jody’s entertainment run. “Insulin.”

“Doesn’t count,” she fiddled with the box. “You don’t sleep or you sleep too much, no appetite, you skipped out on the last two DnD sessions, I’ve not seen you play a video game in weeks. I’m not a psychologist but I know textbook depressed when I see it. And seeing that you have a history of depression, I think it might be good you just consider medication.”

Sam took the packet from her and turned it over. “Sertraline makes me nauseous.”

“Does it really?”

Sam sighed. “No.”

“There’s no shame in needing medication.”

“I know it’s just…I was doing better.”

“And then the apocalypse hit,” Maxine said. “Look if I had it my way everyone and their mother would be on some sort of medication and or CBT, god knows we all have issues, the Runners psych eval alone is enough to send any mental health professional dizzy, but limited supply in a limited time, and I’m not a therapist, and really…Sam it’s also for PTSD.”

“Okay I’m pretty sure I don’t have PTSD, that’s for like soldiers,” he lied.

“Your too smart to really believe that.”

“Okay, so you say the supply is limited, are you giving it to others too?”

“Yes, but I’m not inclined to tell you who and which,” she cocked her head. “Sam I wouldn’t offer it if I didn’t think it would help, and even though it seems like I’m pushing it’s your choice, I just think, it might…you know…be good.”

“I don’t want you wasting more medicine on me is all, there are people with far worse issues than me,”

“Of course there are, but me treating you doesn’t mean I’m forgetting them, and them being worse doesn’t mean you need any less help,” she looked at the screen, happy that she wasn’t interrupting something that required his attention she continued. “Can I ask why you went on them before?”

Sam tapped the keyboard a few times. “I uhh…I had to take a year out of uni after second year, got put on sertraline some point in that time.” 

“Oh…I did wonder why you were a year behind,” Maxine said, as casually as if they were talking about the weather. “Did they work?”

“I guess…went back to uni the next year so- look I don’t know… it was a weird time and I don’t like talking about it,” he said.

Maxine took a long breath. “Okay…we don’t have to, just uh…will you take them?”

“Sure, I guess, give them another shot,” he scratched Bart’s ears, tucking the packet in his pocket.

“One a day, we can review how you feel in two weeks,” Maxine said. She rested a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “You know you can always talk to me.”

“Funny, I say the same thing to you,” Sam chuckled.

“Seems we’re all just a little messed up,” Maxine ruffled his hair, peaking over his shoulder at the schedule for the day. “Ohhhh, a solo run with Five, are you going to finally confess?”

Sam guffawed so loudly Bart shot up of his lap and scurried to the pile of pillows in the corner. “What, what would I even confess?”

“ _Oh Five, I know I never said, but I love you_ ,” Maxine said in a terrible imitation of his accent.

“Hey…you don’t know what I was going to say,” Sam said. “I was just going to say-,”

“That you love her,” Maxine teased. “Sam come on, I’m dying here, just confess.”

“I don’t love Five,” Sam said, keeping his eyes firmly glued on the monitors.

Maxine hummed. “That’s not what Simon told me.”

“Simon, he- that….that son of a bitch!”

"Well, I've known for a while, but Simon has been very loose-lipped about it...So it’s true?”

Sam didn't want to know how long Maxine knew. “No it’s not, I said that I like Five, I don’t…love her, I just like her…a little.”

There was a brief moment of silence. “Sam,”

“What?”

“Saaaaaammmmm,” Maxine whined, poking at his neck. “Sammy, just admit you are infatuated with her and be done with it.”

“Yeah that’s not gonna be awkward, ‘ _hey Five, I’m in love with you, oh you don’t feel the same way, great, goodbye to our friendship then_ ,’ yeah no thanks.”

“How do you know she doesn’t feel the same way?”

“Because…it’s Five, she’s- well for one thing, she is way out of my league.”

“Samuel I don’t say this lightly, but you are a very attractive young man, and I say this as someone who isn’t attracted to men.”

Sam blew a raspberry, “Sure whatever.”

“Seriously, I’m not kidding, there are a number of people here in Abel who have had some serious crushes on you, but do you know the reason none of them has acted on it?”

“Because they don’t exist.”

“Because they all see how in love with Five you are.”

“I love my Runners equally,” Sam said.

“ _And_ because they are all too scared of Five to make a move on you.”

“Wait what?” Sam felt hope rise in him, was Maxine implying that she knew Five liked him back. “Did Five say somethi-,”

The door to the shack creaked open. Five poked her head into the comms shack, grabbing her headset and smiling at them both, darting her foot aside when Bart ran out of the room.

“Five?”

“Five!” Maxine cried. “You're running alone today?’

Five nodded.

Maxine gave Sam a smug look. “Well, I leave you two to brief before you head out.”

Maxine squeezed Sam’s shoulder and left the shack, whistling as she walked.

“What’s got her looking so pleased with herself?” Five signed.

Sam shrugged. “No idea.” He flicked his mic back on. “You’re doing great Jody, you need to follow that street and take a right.”

“On it boss.”

Sam flicked his mic off, feeling the presence of Five as she pushed in closer to look at the maps for today's run.

“I already cleared out this farm,” Five said, leaning over his shoulder, their arms touching…did she like him? “Like, three months ago.”

“Yeah I know, it’s not a clear out, turns out they have solar panels hidden on the roof, Simon noticed them last week, so if you take this camera,” Sam said, tapping the camera on the side. “And these thingies, don’t ask me what they are, I‘m not an engineer, I think they help to boost our scanner range, and you connect it to their solar panels, we’ll have a new five kilometres of scanner coverage south, meaning we can actually track what's going on on the coast.”

Five shifted up next to him, taking the camera from his hand, squatting down so he had to look down at her. “I’m on tech detail.”

“That you are. Why? Upset you’ve not got some dramatic life-ending mission?”

“No…” she turned the camera over. “A little,” she laughed. “If a run doesn’t almost kill me was it really a run?”

"Schrodinger's run."

"Ey, get you using your brain. Though that's technically not correct"

Sam smirked. “Well, today should be a nice-,”

“Don’t you fucking say it you prick,” she hit his arm. “You get those words out of your mouth right now.”

Sam raised his hands. “Okay I won’t say it,” he looked at the scanner. “But the chances of you dying are pretty low today.”

“You do spoil me.”

“Jody hasn’t encountered a single zomb all trip, and your route is looking clear but-,”

Five dramatically fell, sprawling on her back and raising a hand to her head. “Why is there always a _but,_ and not the fun kind of butt.”

Sam kicked her leg. “The _but_ is that there may be a storm coming over from Ireland, or so rofflenet and the Majors new weather station says. Supposed to be a big one, Janine’s ordering everyone to board stuff up, didn’t you see she was running around this morning like a headless chicken.”

Five’s expression was a little vacant. “I was training with Sara,” she said as she sat up. “You sure...about the storm?”

Sam quickly checked back on Jody’s scanners, still clear. “It’s not supposed to – uh-,” he turned the mic on. “Jody, take a left there and you should be able to circle around that collapsed building.”

He turned back to Five shoving the tech into her pack. “Um, not for another two hours, and it might blow over. Don’t worry, you probably won’t get caught in it, and anyway, a little rain never hurt anyone.”

* * *

The wood of the barn door jolted her shoulder as she had to throw herself on it to slam it shut against the wind, almost catching her fingers on the wooden latch that held it shut.

She stumbled back, watching it rattle, the barrage of rain and wind straining the hinges, pulling off her drenched glasses, unable to see through them.

A crack of thunder and Five cried out, putting her hands over her ears, tripping over her own feet and landing hard on her arse.

She crawled away from the door until her backpack hit the opposing wall. Her breath was heavy, panting, shaking, water dripping into her mouth as it trickled down her face.

The door continued to shake, water spraying up from the gap beneath the frame.

Another roll of thunder and Five squeaked, curling in on herself, trying to block out the sound with her shaking hands.

“Five are you okay?”

It was freezing, everything she wore was drenched through, even her backpack was wet against her spine.

Every time she closed her eyes she saw it, the tiny hands, the grabbing, the pressure.

“Talk,” Five choked through the strangle in her throat.

“What, what did you say?”

“Please just…please talk,” Five managed, digging her nails into her head.

Sam laughed. “About what?”

“Anything, just…I-,” there was a crack of thunder and Five froze.

“Five…are you afraid of thunderstorms, oh my god, I…you should have said something I wouldn’t have sent you out I-”

Another crack of thunder and she cried out.

“Woah, okay Five you’re okay, let me figure out something to talk about.”

Five swallowed, “I didn’t use to be scared of storms,” she said quietly. “I-I didn't like them but...” She laughed.

Sam’s breathing sounded light. “What happened?”

“You remember that big storm, a month after the outbreak?”

Sam hummed.

Five had no idea how to phrase what she wanted to say next, she had no idea what way she could tell him without losing him. She couldn’t even remember exactly what happened. She just knew it hurt.

“I’m scared, Sam,” she finally said.

“I know, so am I, but we’ll get through this, together.”

Another crack and she started to cry.

“Hey, Five it’s okay!”

“It’s not okay, they… oh god, oh god they… they left me, I never… god I- they left me alone with- and I…I was so alone oh my god I-,”

“Okay Five deep breaths with me okay, in through three and out through six, yeah, you can do it.”

“Sam they left me,” she whispered

“It’s okay, I’m not leaving you, I promise, just deep breaths now, come on.”

Five started to cry, hiccuping through her breaths. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I’m sorry you can mute me if you want I’ll be okay-,”

“Jesus Five I’m not muting you, I’m here for you now please breath for me.”

Five tried to breathe as another crack of thunder crashed and her panic got worse.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell me about your parents, please,”

Sam sounded a little confused. “What do you want to know?”

“What did it feel like," she gasped, "to know they loved you?”

Sam was silent for a few beats and Five was worried he had got up and left, sick of dealing with her.

“Sam?”

“I’m still here I’m just… sure um. I uh, I told you me and my dad didn’t always see eye to eye. Like we had different expectations for me, but, he always made sure I knew that it was out of love. I resented him for a long time for how much he pushed me, still do a little, but I know now that it was just his way of showing he cared. Along with other things.”

“Other things?”

“Yeah… he was less a talking man and more an action man. If I got sick he didn’t tell me I’d get better, he’d instead make sure he got me all the medicine and made me food and forced me to get fresh air. If I failed a class he would sit down with me and get me to study. I got sad and he would take me out on runs. He never said explicitly, but he always tried to show it. He was the same to my mum, always bought her flowers, every Friday, he’d come home from work, and he’d have flowers. And sometimes, just to spice things up, he’d buy them on a Tuesday too, because, and I quote ‘ _I don’t need a schedule to show my wife I love her_ ’.”

“And your mum?”

“She was the opposite, lovey-dovey, lots of cuddles and holding hands and talking about feelings, she was always so insightful, teenage angst was far easier to deal with when she explained the way I felt." He hummed, Five knew the exact way he was sitting right now, legs curled under him in his desk chair, one knee under his chin. "I used to get sad a lot as a teenager, don’t know why. I just did. Even got put on medication for it for a bit, but mum was always so good at helping with it, I’d get sad or panic and she’d just sit with me and stroke my hair and calm me down." He sighed. "She was good my mum.”

Five let the words sit for a bit, imaging them, loving but flawed parents. “Your sister, did you get along?”

“Not as kids, we only really started getting along when I started uni, she was always a daddy’s girl so she never got my mothers skill for emotion and cuddles, but she did always have great solutions to problems. You should have seen what she did to the first girl who broke my heart…” Sam chuckled, his breath making her headset crack and Five panicked slightly at the loud noise. “I hope she’s okay.”

“If she’s anything as good as you I’m sure she’s just fine.”

“She’s better.”

Another strike of thunder and Five sobbed.

“Five?”

She hummed.

“What happened during that first big thunderstorm?”

Five pressed her head to her knees, a wave of sickness lodged in her chest. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“It’s okay Five, the area around you is clear, no zombies, no people, nothing is going to hurt you,” he said. “And it’s just me on comms. Just us two.”

Five started to cry again, weeping gently into her knees.

“Oh god Five I’m so sorry, please don’t cry.”

“I want to go home.”

“Just a few more hours and the storm should let up by then.”

Another crack of thunder and she could almost see it. The first super horde, the thousands of thousands of the dead, barrelling through the countryside, fighting against the barrage of rain. She could hear their yelling, the group that had been tailing them, the press of body’s on body’s, a tiny hand in hers.

The smell of burnt flesh, iron in blood.

A dropped teddy.

* * *

Five stopped responding. He could still hear her crying, but she wasn’t answering back, and that had him worried. He didn’t know what to do. She was having a panic attack alone and he didn’t know how to help.

After all she had done to help him, Sam couldn’t return the favour.

He kept trying to get her to respond, but he could hear through her headset the rain getting harsher, the thunder more consistent, it was going to be hours until it was over.

Sam checked over the scanners around her, most didn’t work as well in rain like this, but he was pretty certain there was no zombies, maybe he could go out and meet her, she wasn’t that far from Abel, the only reason she hadn’t got back yet was that the first crack of thunder had set her spiralling and she threw herself into the closest shelter. The barn of the farm she was working in.

The door crashed open, Janine looking drenched and unhappy.

Sam quickly muted his mic.

“Mister Yao, why are their still runners in the field? Standard protocol is to bring them back during heavy storms.”

Sam looked awkwardly between Janine at the scanners. “Uhhh.”

“Who’s out there?”

“Five is.”

“Well tell Five to rush home, the storms only going to get worse and the scanners are likely to stop and we need to secure the gat-,”

“I can’t do that.”

Janine frowned, a little annoyed at being interrupted. “Why?”

Sam looked back at Five’s headcam, mostly obscured by her shoulders.

“Is Five hurt?”

“Not physically.”

It took a few seconds for her to puzzle that out. “Oh…oh, where is she?”

“In a barn, two kilometres out.”

“Give me the headset.”

“No I-,”

“Mister Yao.”

“She’s not responding.”

Janine frowned and grabbed the spare headset, flicking it on.

“Runner Five, it’s Janine, you must start heading home, the rain is only going to get worse and you’ll be safer in Abel.”

No response.

“Runner Five, that’s an order.”

Nothing.

“Okay…Runner Five, I know you’re scared, but it’s just a thunderstorm, the likelihood of you getting hurt is minimal, however, if you stay out there, we won’t be able to keep our scanners on you and warn you if zombies approach.”

“I don’t think that’s going to work, Janine.”

Her nose flared a little. “Right then, if you don’t start making your way back now, I’m afraid you’ll probably have to weather the storm alone, the comms are likely to cut off when it hits us, lighting does tend to like hitting radio-,”

Five turned off her mic and headcam and a second later she muted them.

Sam froze.

“What happened?” Janine asked.

The panic was cold and sharp. “She just turned off her headset.”

“It’s not, she’s still on the scanner.”

“No I mean, she’s muted herself and us,” Sam frantically checked the scanners even though he didn’t need too, he just needed something to do. “She promised she wouldn’t, why would she, she promised.”

Before Sam got too worked up it came back on, the headcam now staring at the door. She unmuted them but didn’t unmute herself.

The camera stayed trained on the rattling barn door for a while, pointed down at the rain seeping beneath it.

“Just two kilometres Five, you can do that in less than ten minutes, just ten minutes then you’re home safe with us,” Sam said.

The headcam shook and she took a step back.

“Runner Five, If you come back now, I’ll let you sit in the farmhouse during the storm, it’s much harder to hear the storm in there,” Janine said. “The walls are very thick.”

A long pause, the camera flitting about around the barn, then she bent double hands on her knees as she was sick.

Sam swallowed, feeling slightly nauseous himself. Janine remained as composed as ever.

“You can do this Five,” Sam said when she stood up again.

Reaching out with shaky hands, Five pulled the wooden bar back and flung open the barn door, bolting out.

Seven minutes it took for Five to run back to Abel, and under different circumstances, they would have celebrated the record time, but once she made it through the gates she was sick again, stumbling in the quad, sobbing into her hands. Sam quickly bundled her up and led her the short way up to the farmhouse.

Janine held the door open for them, the sounds of the Major and Sara speaking in the kitchen a little dulled. Janine took one look at Five’s green face and ushered her into a downstairs bathroom under the stairs.

Drenched, shaking, and sobbing, Five proceeded to vomit into the toilet, the talking in the kitchen silenced.

Sam knelt down next to Five and helped her take the pack off, tossing it aside, Janine moved it into the corridor.

“You’re okay Five, get it out,” he said, her shirt so soaked it clung to the bumps of her spine.

“I’ll get some towels,” Janine said, leaving them alone, and going up the stairs.

Sam rubbed her back a few times, pulling her loose hair back and letting her ride out whatever this was.

Five retched again, muscles tensing as her shoulders heaved, crying between coughs.

“Shhh, you’re okay,” Sam said, watching the way her hands tensed so much on the toilet bowl her knuckles went white.

Five kept trying to be sick, but she clearly got rid of everything in her stomach because now it was just terrible, body shaking, coughs.

“Hey it’s okay, you’re okay.”

Five retched again, shaking badly.

“Sam.” Sam looked up, Sara was holding a bottle of water out to him. “Try and get her to drink some.”

He smiled in thanks but put it aside for when she had finished retching.

Sara left again, the door to the kitchen closing.

He kept muttering reassurances, stroking back her hair. This seemed to calm her somewhat so he kept it up, but she didn’t stop the heart wrenching crying.

After a while, Janine returned with some fresh towels, took one look at Five and frowned. “I’ll get the doctor,” she said.

Five shook her head.

“You’re not well Five, Doctor Myers might be able to give you something for your stomach, it's possible you contracted Sam's illness.”

They all knew that wasn't true.

Five gripped the sides of the toilet, still shaking her head, interrupted by another round of bringing up bile.

Janine‘s brows jumped up. “I’m getting the doctor, I’m sorry Five, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

The front door slammed shut against the storm.

“I’m fine,” Five said between gasps. “I’m fine, I promise.” She retched again, crying when another round of thunder hit. “I’m fine. You can go, don’t worry.”

Sam shifted closer to hold her. “You’re not fine Five, and that’s okay, but you need to admit it otherwise we can’t help you.”

She rested her head on the edge of the toilet, breath strangled. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey it’s okay, it’s not your fault.”

“It is…it-,” more coughing.

Okay, this wasn’t getting anywhere.

Sam continued rubbing her back and stroking her wet hair.

Between the coughs, he could still hear the muffled voices of Sara and the Major, talking in low tones, not blocked by the sound of the rain and the occasional thrum of thunder.

The front door slammed open and Five choked out a sob, the noise loud and abrasive. Sam shot Janine a deadly look.

She made a point of closing it quietly behind Maxine.

Maxine took one look at the scene and immediately dropped to her knees and started trying to get a better look at Five, checking her temperature before everything else.

The small space in the bathroom was getting a little oppressive to him, so it was no surprise when Five started to get worked up again, and the little he had been able to calm her breathing it was now staggered and harsh.

“Okay Five I’m going to put my hand on your stomach is that okay?” Maxine asked.

Five gave the barest of nods, resting her head on her forearm and sobbing into the crook of her elbow.

“Right, you feel where I’m pressing on your stomach, I want you to focus on breathing from there, okay, deep belly breaths for four seconds.”

Five whimpered and used her free hand to grab at Sam.

He wrapped his hand around hers.

“Okay,” Maxine started. “In on my count,”

Maxine counted to four and Five tried hard to breathe in, she tried really hard, he could see the effort in her jaw, but it kept getting hitched, and she coughed. That didn’t stop Maxine though, she continued counting, making a point of breathing with Five, her hand still resting lightly on Five’s stomach to remind her where to breath from.

Five’s grip on his hand tightened, and he ran his thumb back and forth on the side of her palm.

After a while, Five finally managed to breathe in time with Maxine, and then her breathing returned to normal, and she was left shaking, curled over, still crying into her arm.

Sam realised rather dully, this was the first time he’d ever seen Five cry.

Maxine sat back, pulling Five’s hair away from her face. “Okay, Five, is it okay if we move you away from the toilet?”

Five didn’t respond, so Maxine took that as a yes and had Sam help her shift Five to lean against the wall next to Sam under the sink.

Sam pointed at the water and Maxine placed it in Five’s hands. “Could you try and take a few sips?”

Five stared at it, looking like she was about to panic again.

“I know you don’t feel like it, but you need to try.”

Five undid the bottle and took a sip.

“Good, that’s good,” Maxine’s expression was cool, every line of her face calculated. Her doctor face. Sam spent enough time around her to know it now. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

“That’s the most British thing you’ve said,” Sam said, his own voice cracking on the last word.

Maxine smile was fake, pinched at the edges. “Been around you so long, it’s rubbing off on me. Tea, Five?”

Five nodded.

“Sam?”

“Please.”

Maxine took a long breath. “Okay, call if you need anything.” She got up and left, not knocking before entering the kitchen.

Sam squeezed Five’s hand.

She started to cry again, not the horrid full-body sobs, but a gentle heartbreaking thing.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said, stroking her hair. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not okay.”

“Why isn’t it okay?”

Five buried her face into his shoulder, curling up against his side. Sam shifted so he could wrap his arms around her, resting one hand on the nape of her neck.

Five didn’t say anything more, she just kept crying, trembling badly. Sam had her try and drink some more water, but she could hardly stop sobbing for a few moments long enough to drink.

Maxine came back with the tea and set it down.

“Janine says you’re welcome to stay until the storm passes over, if you like they have the fire going in the living room, you can sit in there, no one will disturb you.”

Five wiped her nose. “I’m fine,” she signed.

Maxine pulled a – that’s bullshit – face. “That may be, but you are soaked through, at least sit in there till you’re warmed up and dried off.”

Maxine was giving her an out, a way to stay hidden from the storm without having to outwardly admit something was wrong.

Her eyes flicked between the two of them, the panic of a cornered animal.

She nodded.

“Okay,” Maxine said. “Right come on.”

Five was shaky on her feet, as Maxine led them into the living room, setting the tea down on the coffee table. Sam had only been in here once when he had a talking to from Janine about his relationship with Alice and if it would affect his ability to act as an operator. That was over a year ago now. Janine had been so stern then, she still was, but it was less personal, she didn’t look at you like she hated you.

He toed off his shoes before entering, finding it a little adorable how even in her panic, Five still took the time to unlace her boots and lay them by the front door so to not trek water into the living room

The fire was crackling, not yet fully formed, Janine must have only just lit it for Five.

That was Janine’s way, little things, small gestures that often went unnoticed. Sam was slowly learning to notice.

Five sat down in the corner of the sofa, eyes scanning over the giant bookshelves, squinting without her glasses.

Maxine followed her line. “Janine sure has a lot, is that…is that Sappho in greek…Paula loved Sappho.”

“You’ll have to keep her out of here then, when we get her back,” Sam said.

Maxine hummed but didn’t say anything else.

There was another roll of thunder and Five whimpered, pulling her knees up to her chest. Maxine rushed to close the curtains, it wouldn’t help much, but it made the rain seem a little distant.

Sam sat down on the sofa next to Five, she pulled herself away from him.

“Okay Five, how you feeling?” Maxine asked.

Five raised her shaky hands. “Fine.”

“Not tired, or cold, or scared?”

Five cried at another crack of thunder, she curled up, pulling her hands over her ears. “Make it stop.”

Maxine was startled by Five talking. “What?”

“Please make it stop.”

Sam shifted, not having to recover from the shock of Five’s voice. “We can’t do that Five, but we can sit with you until it’s over.”

She hunched over, digging her nails into her head, Maxine stepped forward to try and help but Five flinched away.

They just needed a way to block the noise out.

Sam shot up.

“Where you going?” Maxine asked.

“I have an idea.”

Sam ran out of the farmhouse, the rain drenching what little he managed to dry off. He realised halfway to the billet that he wasn’t wearing his shoes, socks dripping with mud.

He stumbled into the billet, nearly tripping over a sprawled out Simon drying off in the common area and darted into his room.

“What’s got your knickers in a twist?” Simon called.

Sam ignored him, stuffing his Walkman into his bag, he glanced at Five’s teddy on the bed and considered taking it, but he didn’t want it to accidentally get wet. So he left it.

Sam jumped over Simon again and slammed the door to the billet, bolting back to the farmhouse.

In the time it took, Five had gotten worse.

Maxine was trying again to run breathing exercises, and Five was trying really hard to follow, but the storm was getting worse and as was she.

Sam’s socks skidded on the hardwood floor, he pulled them off and threw them near the fire, wandering around the sofa to Five’s other side, pulling out the Walkman and setting in a tape.

“Hey Five, I have an idea if you’re willing to try it?”

Five’s eyes flicked up at him. He raised the Walkman a little higher, realisation dawning on her face.

She nodded just as another boom shook the window. Sam pressed play, handing her the headphones.

It took her a while to reach out and grab them, between the strangled breathing and weak sobs she didn’t have much energy left. But she pulled them on, taking the Walkman from Sam, clutching it to her chest and dialling the volume up loud enough that Sam could hear it.

Her demeanour immediately softened, the tense line of her shoulders smoothing out, the stern clench of her jaw went slack. Five was still crying, still balled up in the corner of the sofa, breathing rapid, but she no longer looked on the edge of a full-blown panic.

She sniffed, bowing her head and wept.

Maxine and Sam shared a look.

There needed to be a discussion, but right now wasn’t the time for it, now was the time to let Five calm down and feel safe.

The sofa creaked when he sat back down in the corner opposite Five, letting her have as much space as she wanted, she didn’t acknowledge him sitting there.

He waited for Maxine to sit down, but she hovered, shoving her hands in her pockets.“Sam, I need to…damn, I need to get back to-,”

Right, the spray.

“Are you okay staying?’

Sam could see the guilt in Maxine’s face, she wanted to stay for Five, she really did, but Maxine had work to do, she always had so much work to do.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll stay.”

She spared one more glance at Five curled over the Walkman. “You get me if it gets worse, promise?”

Sam nodded.

“Okay…okay, I’ll be back in two hours.”

Maxine left.

The fire crackled happily in the fireplace, burning bright, casting the room in a shade of amber. Rain swept against the windows, battering the frames.

Flashes of lightning flared beneath the thick curtains, barely a second before the thunder rolled.

And Five remained oblivious to it all curled up with his headphones on, eyes shut.

After about an hour of silence, and Sam downing his mug of cold tea he forgot about whilst flicking through one of Janine's books on philosophy, Five took the headphones off, still shaking, but having a strange calm on her face.

“I’m sorry,” she said, flinching at a boom, but not downright panicking. “I…I usually don’t panic like that.”

Sam was shocked. “What…you don’t need to apologise.”

“I do…I-,” Five cut herself off. “I usually have it under control.”

He hated what that implied, that in the previous storms Five was afraid and alone, curled up, trying to get herself through her fear.

“I thought I could do the mission before the storm hit.”

“You could have told me you were afraid, I would have se-,”

“I don’t want or need you to baby me, Sam,” Five snapped.

Sam swallowed, it was the first time he ever heard Five get properly angry, and it scared him. She didn’t yell, she just got this cold edge to her voice, like she was preparing a million different ways to hurt you. It reminded him of Sara in some way.

Her expression broke and she made a strange noise at the back of her throat. “Sorry, sorry, I…I didn’t mean, fuck, I should, I-,”

Five’s hand started to do her nervous tic, her breathing growing again. On instinct Sam moved closer to her, regretting it when she pulled back.

“Sorry, I god, I-,” Five shot up and wobbled on her feet, pacing a little. “I-,” she looked around like she didn’t know where she was. “Fuck, it’s all just a little too loud.”

Sam stood, taking a slow step towards her. “Hey, look, we don’t need to talk about it right now.”

Five looked down at her hands, ran them through her hair then gestured wildly at the window. “I…Jesus christ I can’t think with all that rain.”

Sam took another slow step, facing her. Gingerly, he laced his hands with hers, bending down to catch her eye. “Five, it’s okay.”

She froze, swallowed, hands tensing in his, studying his face.

Then she closed the gap, pressing her head to his chest.

Sam wrapped his arms around her, the fire warming his side, his chin on top of her head.

They stayed like that for a while just holding each other. She didn’t stop shaking, but her breathing eventually matched his and that was good considering he was taking a lot of care to keep it slow.

When Five wobbled again, Sam pulled back just a little. “You feeling okay?”

“Bit woozy,” Five admitted, voice slightly muffled by his shirt.

“Maybe we should sit down?”

Five nodded, so in one great big huff Sam picked her up under her arms and waddled to the sofa, dropping her a little unceremoniously, but hey, he wasn’t a strong man, so really this was quite a feat.

He got the reaction he wanted though, a small ring of laughter, quiet, but real as he dramatically groaned and pretended to crack his back.

He fell forward onto the sofa, head landing by Five’s thigh, rolling to look up at her, leg dangling over the arm of the chair. She smiled and absently started playing with his hair.

_This was new._

Not unpleasant, really not unpleasant at all, but…since when was Five so comfortable with-

Sam had a vague memory of her doing this when he was really ill.

Oh god…wait…he’d kissed her shoulder and her hand.

And she hadn’t backed away either time. Did she like him?

No…no, Five was just becoming more tactile now she was more comfortable, he shouldn’t look into it. Especially now, moments after a panic attack, not the time to be over analysing every one of her actions. Even if she did lightly smile to herself as she fiddled with his fringe, pulling her knees up under her to get more comfortable.

Every now and then a crack of thunder would make her blanch, having to take a few seconds to calm her features.

Sam reached up and took her hand. "You're okay Five."

Five sniffed. "Yeah...I am now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, long long chapter.  
> I've been working up to this plot point for a while so I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!  
> Anyway, thank you as always for reading.  
> And stay safe out there!!!


	28. A Pit in the Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for s2 25-27  
> Content warning: Canon typical violence

“-It’s just gone five.”

Silence.

“Did you get any sleep?”

Clothes rustled and bare feet walked around on hardwood.

“We really need to talk about what happened,” they said. “I’m sorry Five but this isn’t something we can ignore.”

The other person snorted.

Sam curled a little tighter, annoyed his sleep had been disturbed.

His movement apparently got the attention of whoever was talking because they shut up.

Something sounded like a mug being put down. He reached up, expecting to find comfort sat near his head but was met with empty sofa.

He whined, had Five moved?

“For god's sake, you-,” Maxine cut herself off. “You know, you’re right, we’ll talk about this after your run today, but we will talk about this.”

Silence.

“No, Five, I don’t need to talk about Paula.”

Sam rolled over, the blanket on him tangling up, it took a moment for his vision to clear.

“Look, I miss her, I want her back, that’s the end of it, the faster I get this spray sorted, the faster she can come home, but I don’t appreciate you turning the conversation around on me when we need to talk about your issues.”

More silence.

“Oh, you have some serious issues Five,” Maxine was starting to sound a little miffed.

Five was leaning by the fireplace, signing wildly. “I’m fine.”

Maxine huffed. “You had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve seen because of a little lighting.”

“I don’t like loud noises, there really isn’t much more too it.”

“You deal with gunshots just fine.”

“It’s not that deep.”

“I think it is.”

Sam sat up, they both turned to look at him.

Maxine’s expression broke, shifting from annoyance to guilt. “Sorry, Sam we didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Yelling tends to wake people,” Sam said, still groggy.

Five raised a brow. “I wasn’t the one yelling,” she signed.

“You watch it Five before I slap some sense into you,” Maxine said. She took a long shaky breath. “I’m sorry…it was a long night.”

“Were you up all night again?” Sam asked, leaning forward and grabbing the mug of tea Five gestured to. Maxine hadn’t changed out of the clothes he last saw her in, so he already knew the answer.

“I need to get this spray finished.”

“It works,” Five signed. “Why can’t the major just get some military idiots to mass-produce it?”

“It’s not that simple, you know it isn’t don’t play dumb.”

“Maybe I am just dumb.”

Maxine frowned. “Stop trying to antagonise me Five to get me to not talk about your problems, it’s not going to work.”

Five blinked, realisation dawning on her face what she was doing. She sighed. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

Maxine shrugged. “Yeah well…damn Five you do really know how to get under someone’s skin when you want too.”

“So, it did work,” Five said, a smug grin on her face.

“Oh, you little shit.”

Five sat down on the sofa next to him. “Seriously though, I am sorry.”

Maxine hummed. “How you feeling?”

The energy of the room shifted, teetering back towards the general worry of the night before.

“Better now," Five signed. "I’ve been able to get clean and brush my teeth, woke up feeling like I had a really rough night of drinking.”

“Sam knows all about that,” Maxine joked.

Sam groaned. “Don’t wanna talk about it.”

Five rubbed his arm. “If I’m honest I have a cracking headache and I’m a little dizzy but other than that I feel fine.”

“I can give you some painkillers,” Maxine said. “But you’re probably just dehydrated.”

“Yeah, sobbing like a baby tends to shrivel you out a bit,” Five signed. “I’m practically pruned.”

Sam blew air out his nose, sipping his tea. “That was so bad.”

“It would have landed better if I said it out loud,” Five smirked. “Get those sweet intonations, comedic timing and all that.”

Maxine pulled a face at him that Sam could only read as _this girl, you picked this girl?_

“Was that your first panic attack Five?” Maxine asked.

Five jovialities went stale. “No.”

“How often do you get them?”

She leaned back on the sofa, attempting to look relaxed but really, she looked forced. “Not very often.”

“When was the last?”

Five’s jaw tensed. “The last full-blown one was around the time Archie-,” her hands stopped mid sign. “Around that time.”

That meant Five had a panic attack whilst taking care of him, and he hadn’t known, nor did anything to help. How had he shared a room with her for two weeks and he didn’t notice? Sam was a bad friend.

Maxine didn’t seem too shocked by this, however. “You said full-blown, so when was the last time you had a mild panic attack?”

Five shrugged. “Last storm, after the weather station mission, it wasn’t that big of a deal, I dealt with it.”

It took a few moments for the implications to settle.

“You could have told someone,” Sam said. “We want to help.”

“It’s fine, really it is, I’m dealing with them,” she signed. “Really it’s fine, they usually aren’t that bad, I was just tired yesterday, so it hit a little harder.”

“A lot harder,” Maxine said. Her gaze drifted to the now open window, still slightly dark out because of the early morning. “You guys have that runner’s ceremony thing today right?”

Sam nodded. “We’re heading out at seven.”

“Okay,” Maxine dragged a hand over her face. “Okay, you should do that, we’ll take about this later Five.”

“Can’t wait,” Five signed, leaning forward to pick up her tea.

“Right, on that note, I am going to crash, if anyone gets hurt on this run, well, fend for yourselves because I am all kinds of tired, I don’t want to be disturbed for at least twelve hours.”

Sam smiled. “We’ll spread the word.”

Maxine did a little bow. “Thank you kindly.” She ruffled his hair and left, the farmhouse down clicking shut behind her.

Sam turned to Five staring down at her hands. He put a hand on her back. “You okay?”

She didn’t respond for a while, running her thumb over the edge of the mug. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” her mouth opened like she was going to say something else. She snapped it shut, then opened it again. “Look what I said, in the barn, I uh…I wasn’t thinking. It mean a lot to me if you just don't bring it up.”

It was difficult to discern what she was talking about, she’d said a lot of worrying things in the barn.

“Who left you?” Sam asked.

Five jolted like she’d been electrocuted. “What?”

“You said someone left you,” Sam explained. “What happened?”

The white-knuckle grip on the mug told him he’d hit a nerve and she was trying very hard not to bite back.

“I…uh…I don’t want to talk about it,” she said.

“Not now?”

“Not ever.”

Sam nodded. “Okay, we don’t have to talk about it,” he rested his hand on the nape of her neck. “Come on, let’s raid Janine’s kitchen before she gets up, I wanna see what food she has stashed here.”

* * *

The ground was soft, it squelched under Five’s boots as they ran, spraying up mud onto her calf.

Despite the storm last night, the late august heat was a little oppressive, and she was wearing as few clothes as was respectful for a ceremony of the dead.

She didn’t think the dead would really appreciate her traipsing around in shorts and a sports bra.

But the dead didn’t have to deal with this humidity so who were they to judge?

She tugged at her shirt collar, _maybe this wasn’t the correct line of thought to be having right now_.

In all honesty, Five was having rather a bit of trouble keeping her thoughts in line, she felt a bit scattered.

Scatterbrain.

A friend called her that once.

She had a scatterbrain.

It wasn’t really scattered, she just made a lot of connections really really fast, and before she knew it she was six topics away. It makes sense to her, it never makes sense to others.

Like she used to sit in meetings and notice something strange and suddenly – boom – she was thinking about The Beatles.

 _I wonder if any of The Beatles are alive? How many died before the apocalypse._ Five really didn’t know much about them.

Fingers lacing with hers jolted her back to reality. Sam had taken her hand as they walked. “It’s your, uh, it’s your first one, isn’t it Five?”

Five blinked, realising she’d not been paying attention to anything the group was saying and was now very aware everyone was not only staring at her but at her hand in Sam’s.

 _We’re not dating._ She wanted to say. _Unfortunately._

Simon punched her arm. “No, can’t be! Five’s been around for ages.” He paused, finger waving wildly in the air as he thought. “Oh wait, yeah, because we haven’t done any since the, uh, since the chopper was brought down.”

Evan didn’t turn around from his position of point of the group. “We need one of these. We all need it.”

Sam’s squeezed her hand. “Yeah. It’s uh, yeah. We need a way to say goodbye.”

A solemn silence fell, everyone feeling the weight of what today was about, a send-off, something sacred and special.

And Five couldn’t stop thinking about the bloody Beatles.

There was definitely something wrong with her.

Was it heartlessness?

Five didn’t think she was heartless, no matter how many times she’d been told it.

She used to think she didn’t understand the weight of death, especially after Maggie and Chris. Even now she feels nothing when she thinks of them, just the same empty pit, like a hole in her chest. Archie…well Archie hurt, but not in the way she thought it would hurt. She could see grief in the others, she felt a bit sick studying it in them.

But maybe, just maybe, if she understood how she should react, she could emulate it too.

She missed Archie, but she was afraid she didn’t miss her in the right way.

No, Five understands the weight of death, but understanding and feeling are two very different things, and she can never seem to get them to line up properly. She felt fractured.

Scattered.

Scatterbrained.

Sam tugged her hand. “Hey, you okay?”

Faces stared at her, Sara holding an unlit torch up to Five to take.

Fuck, she’d phased out again.

Five frowned, taking in the forest before her.

An avenue of pine trees sprawled forward, their roots knotting around small lit torches. The other runners who went ahead of the group stood by there’s all staring at Five staring at the torch.

Five blanched, she didn’t like this many eyes on her, especially eyes she didn’t have names for. She really should make more of an effort getting to know the other runners.

She hadn’t realised she’d taken a step back until her shoulder hit Sam.

Sara cocked her head.

Sam pressed in closer behind her. “Take the torch, and light it with the one labelled Five.” He whispered, voice low and calm.

A lump lodged in her throat.

“It’s okay.”

It was odd, Five had faced down hoards and guns and explosions, but the simple act of performing ceremony had her terrified.

She took the torch, the weight heavy in her hand.

“It’s the third one on the left,” Sam whispered, “Run to it.”

Five did as she was told, panicked when her torch didn’t light right away.

_Please catch fire._

It stayed stubbornly unburnt.

 _Please_.

The torch caught the light, crackling with life. If she was any kind of superstitious, she’d thank Alice for her blessing.

Now that there was a good Runner Five.

She watched the flames dance on her torch. Where had Abel even gotten these torches, it wasn’t exactly like it was a common commodity, and what we’re they going to do when they run out?

They could make them, actually, it was likely these had been made as well, a lot of effort just to set something on fire.

Five almost squeaked when Sam nudged her arm, looking a little lost without a torch of his own. The other Runners had all taken up their places, illuminated by the soft amber glow.

Damn it was warm.

“You know what,” Sam said as Owen lit his torch for Six across the forest path. “I think Alice would have actually liked you.”

It was supposed to be comforting. It felt like a slap in the face.

How could she hope to date Sam whilst he was still grieving Alice? Now _that_ was a dishonour.

“And with this,” Evan started, taking his place by his own torch. “We honour the memory of the old Runner Five, Alice Dempsey. And we welcome the new,” he chuckled. “well, not so new, Runner Five.”

Eyes fell on her again, her skin itching.

Sam placed a hand on her lower back, and it did the complete opposite of calming her down.

“We honou-,”

“Runners,” in synch, the Runners all raised a hand to their ear, listening to Janine’s voice through their headset. “I’m sorry. I really am sorry to break into your ceremony –

Sam sighed. “It’s not a good time, Janine.

“I know. I’m sorry. I know this is a special time for the runners, and – I suppose it is for you as well, Mister Yao - but it really is-,”

“Sam’s an honorary runner, one of us,” Simon puffed up, hitting Sam's arm.

“I just…” Sam’s eyes fell on the torch in the ground as he spoke, voice too low for anyone but her to hear. “I don’t do that much.”

Five held his hand.

“I wouldn’t break in without good cause,” Janine said. “It’s that ship we were expecting. Mullins told us it was coming down the coast from an oil rig up north with the fuel we’ll need for our plans to douse the countryside in the zombie spray.”

“It’s due to arrive in two days,” Sara said, folding her arms.

“It’s arrived early, at the dockside. We picked them up on the new scanner Runner Five set up yesterday. The storm brought them in, but the ship’s damaged, and we need you to-,”

“We get the picture, hon. It’s important,” Simon said.

Damn that man was whipped.

Evan looked over the rest of the Runners. “We’ll set off at once.”

Sam seemed to come back to himself, eyes focussing again. He gave Five a wry smile.

“And… how long do you think it’ll take you to get there?” Janine asked. “Because I don’t actually know where the forest you go to is, and I mean, if you could just tell me exactly where you are, it would help me to radio the ship and tell them.”

Sam’s face twitched. “We’ll be there as fast as we can,” he let go of Five’s hand. “Well, they will. I’ll be back to Abel as fast as I can.”

* * *

You know, if anyone but Sam Yao, light of Five’s life, heart of Abel and all around cutie asked her to run after a bloody steam train Five would have had a very few choice words.

It was a stupid idea, it was the dumbest idea Sam had ever had, and that boy could seriously be a dumbass. Five once saw Sam put marmite on a piece of toast with the side of an old debit card because he couldn’t find the knife he was using, whilst said knife was in his pocket.

Granted he was very tired, but the point still stands.

_You say jump I’ll say how high._

She couldn’t even be mad at him, he was the dumbass who suggested running down a train, she was the dumbass who went _sure thing buddy_ , _anything for you buddy, I can outrun a fucking train._

“One more burst of speed Five, you’re so nearly there.”

If Janine wasn’t in the comm shack Five would definitely be sharing her choice words with the group.

She stretched out her arm grasping for the railing by the driver's door.

Harry just gave her a dumb look, like he couldn’t lean out and help.

Five hissed, throwing her weight forward.

Her hand wrapped around the bar, feet scrambling to find purchase. When she finally made it, she collapsed onto her back, panting, vision blurred and starry.

“Jesus Christ, Five, I didn’t think that was possible,” Sam said.

Breathing first, responding to Sam later.

“That was so awesome, you actually ran down a train, how, holy crap, Five that was-,”

“Ow!” Janine cried out.

“Oh…sorry I- got too excited,” Sam said.

“Yes…well, if you could refrain from hitting me in the face the next time Runner Five does something… _awesome_.”

“Can’t make any promises, seriously Five that was beautiful, you did beautifully.”

 _Repeat._ Five tapped.

“You did beautifully.”

_Repeat._

“Oh I know what you’re doing, you’re getting me to repeat my compliment.”

Janine coughed. “Runner Five, you should be able to catch your breath until you make it too the docks, which should take about twenty minutes.”

Wow, Janine was spoiling Five.

The journey to the docks was spent mostly with Sam pestering her to stretch so she doesn’t seize up, Five ignoring said pestering because he made her run after a train, then actually doing the stretching – albeit rather shoddily on a moving train – because her leg did actually start to cramp.

“What did I tell you?”

_Shut up Sam._

Stopping at the dock was…well they stopped, but she was pretty certain she saw Harry pull something off one of the controls then hide it in his back pocket, so when he cried that the breaks didn’t work whilst the train was barrelling towards a broken bridge after they loaded the fuel and were well on the way to Bert Airfield with a horde following the loud noise, Five was about ready to slap the man.

“I’m going to skin him alive,” Five signed, struggling to keep ahead of the train.

Sara snorted.

“Okay!” Sam yelled. “Five, you’re closest. Just put on a burst of speed now”

Five did as she was told.

She leaned forward, putting her whole strength into the sprint, holding her breath because it was taking too much effort. She fell onto the point changer, switching it to the right direction.

“And – great! Points changed, train diverted from the broken bridge,” Sam announced. “That’s uh, _‘brownie points’_ for you, Five. Did you… did you see what I did, there? Yeah, probably best you didn’t, to be honest.”

“So we’re okay now, smooth tracks from here?” Jody asked, patting Five on the back to get her running again. Damn this was hurting.

“Just checking the cameras,” Five matched pace with the train again, staying slightly behind Simon, he could sprint ahead next time something happened. “Oh, ooh, yeah, so there’s a massive horde of zombies on the track ahead.”

Simon threw his hands in the air. “Oh, well, great! They can be friends with the zombies already chasing us.”

She spared those zombies a quick glance, damn they were speedy little buggers.

“Train’ll just mow them down, squish, zombie jam,” Sara chirped.

Sara was practically giddy, this seemed to be her scene.

“I don’t know, this many might end up derailing the train. I think you’ll have to-,”

Simon beat his chest. “Here, zombie-wombies! Tasty human flesh for you! Extremely attractive, tanned, fit flesh in my case, not to boast. Come and get it! As I run away from the train tracks.”

Sam sighed. “Yep. That’s the general idea.”

“Okay, so we’re splitting up, got it?”

_You’re not supposed to split the party._

“Yeah,” Sam said. “Got eyes on you from three separate security cameras, now. Should be able to keep you safe. Runners Three and Four, head towards the abandoned warehouse. You should be able to funnel them into the warehouse and bolt the door. We’ve got four runners leading some towards the staircases in the park.”

Jody bounced off after Simon, stomping her feet and clapping her hands, trying to get the horde following them to move.

“That’ll keep them busy,” Sara said, a slight skip in her step.

“Yeah, so, you and Five-,”

“I think you’re thinking what we’re thinking.”

What was everyone thinking?

“Head towards the broken bridge?” Sam asked.

Her grin was almost manic. “Read my mind! Come on, Five. I always like doing my own stunts.”

Sara followed the track diversion, running down the centre, hopping from plank to plank.

“Why not just do a McShell?” Sam asked.

It clicked.

“We’re going to jump the gap?” She signed.

“If we do a McShell we’ll have to double back and catch up with the train again, and anyway, this is going to be way more fun.”

“I’m not sure it is,” Sam said. “What if you fall.”

Sara smirked. “No, it’s going to be fine!"

“Are you sure? Because... I don’t know. From this angle, the gap in that bridge looks bigger than I-."

“We’ve dealt with worse than this, haven’t we, Five?”

Aside from the time Five literally threw herself across a construction beam, Sara had no evidence to base this off. She fell a little behind Sara’s stride.

“Oh, I mean, maybe you could… you could climb down? I mean, the structure looks pretty sturdy, with all those crossbeams.”

It was too late. They were going too fast, the grass giving way to bridge. At this speed, there was no stopping without falling.

They sped up.

“We like to live dangerously,” Sara yelled. “Come on.”

The wood of the bridge creaked as Five pushed against it, launching herself into the air.

A fleeting moment of panic, where she was certain she was going to fall.

It always comes back to this, the falling.

That heart-wrenching plummet.

Five’s ribs crashed hard into the other side of the bridge, something cracked and she wasn’t dead.

A hand latched around her wrist, pulling her up and onto her back. Breathing hurt, like really bloody hurt.

Five groaned, pressing a hand to her side. She could hear Sam and Sara talking but she was spending a bit too much energy trying to figure out how much she could breathe in before she felt like she was being stabbed.

“Five, you okay?”

Five gave Sara a thumbs up, trying to avoid grimacing as she stood up. She looked around, waiting for Sara to explain the next steps.

“Did you pay attention to anything we just said?”

“Why would I pay attention to you?”

“You bloody well pay enough attention to Sam,” Sara mumbled.

They made after the train, thankfully the bridge cut off a good amount of ground they had to cover and they train had to be routed around a small hill, so they quickly caught up.

Sharp shooting pains lodged in Five’s ribs, and she was certain she’d at least bruised one. Breathing was fine aside from the pain, so she just prayed it was blunt damage and nothing was punctured.

If she wasn't spitting up blood, she wasn't worried.

The train barrelled across the valley floor, dead grass stretching out for miles, the steam sitting heavy on the humid air.

Harry was gesturing wildly to his left, hands flapping.

“See that, Five? Along the ridge above the valley?

Five pressed a hand to her side, squinting at the ridge.

“What?" Sam started. "I don’t see – ah, oh, now I do see. Line of people on horseback.”

A line of very angry people on horseback. With guns. Angry people on horses with guns. Gun people.

Five sighed.

“We need to get on this train, and we need to get it to cover,” Sara said, pulling Five’s arm, slowing their pace. “We’ll get on from the back. Out of their line of sight.”

“What about me?” Harry asked.

“Stay cool, we’ll come up with something,” Sara called.

The slow pace was nice whilst it lasted, trying to jump on a moving train and climbing onto the carriage was another feat entirely.

Wind battered them both, harsh and whipping, dragging smoke from the engine into their eyes. Five had to throw an arm over her mouth to stop from breathing too much, but that meant she wasn’t as stable.

She chose to bear the fumes to keep her balance.

Riders kept pace with the train, trailing their guns on them, taking aim and-

Five went prone, a bullet whipping over her head.

“We can’t crawl it, gonna take a chance and run,” Sara said, dragging Five up, not acknowledging Five almost got shot.

Throwing herself down on the floor may have made her ribs just a tiny bit worse.

“You’re running along the top of a train!” At least Sam was having fun.

“It’s actually very unpleasant,” Sara said, keeping a vice grip on Five’s arm.

“Yeah, they never seem to stress that aspect in action movies. I mean, you never saw Daniel Craig pausing to take out his contact lenses.”

A bullet clipped the metal by Sara’s foot. “They seem extremely keen to stop this train.”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry, you’re out of their range,” Sam didn’t sound very convincing.

“The horses are faster than us,” Sara said, letting go of Five’s arm to leap across a carriage.

“Yeah. When you get to the front, tell Harry to give it some welly. We’ve got to get this aviation fuel to Bert Airfield. The other runners are making their way there right now to unload the train. The Major’s entire plan depends on this fuel.”

Sara was positively beaming when they jumped down into the engine room, Harry leaping out of his skin.

“Ooh, hello, chaps,”

Five jumped out of the engine first, hitting the ground running.

“Can’t stay and chat, sorry,” Sara chirped, leaping off and landing next to Five. “Sam says to speed up.”

“Raiders closing in from left and right. There’s a fork in the track just after that row of brick semis up ahead. You know, I always wondered why people bought houses on the train line. Anyone passing can see right in. I mean, look at that house, there, the one with the unfortunate pebble dash. I can see straight into the kitchen. They’ve got a row of little cactuses along the windowsill.

Sara’s smile dropped. “That’s fascinating, Sam. Any thoughts on the actual mission?”

“What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I need you to run on and see which branch of the track looks safest.”

“There’s a concrete block on the left-hand track,” Sara explained as they sped forward. Five squinted over at the other line.

_You’ve got to be kidding me._

“There’s someone tied to the track on the right-hand fork. I think it’s the new Runner Six – Eric, isn’t it?”

“Owen,” Sam snapped. “How did they even get hold of him? He was supposed to be with the group running directly to Bert Airfield!

“Unless he stayed towards the back, easy target for the raiders.”

“Yeah, yeah, we need to give that guy a bit more training,” Sam grumbled. “You’re nearly at the points now. You’ll have to send the train to the left.”

Sara shook her head. “Which is exactly what those horse riders want us to do.”

“I know, I know, but we haven’t got any choice!”

Sara tutted audibly.

“Tell Harry to jump off, he’ll be fine. We’ll have to send Jeeps out for the fuel,” Sam continued.

“And just what is it you think these guys are after? The train’s going right, Sam. Greatest good of the greatest number. That fuel could save the whole damn country.”

Sara did have a point.

“But Owen! He hasn’t even finished his first run yet. Oh, for God’s sake, Eight, you didn’t even know his name! I’m not going to let him die.”

Sara rolled her eyes, skidding by the pointers. She grabbed the handle. “Well, I won’t let this mission fail.” She clicked the pointer, sending the train hurtling at Owen. “There, done.”

“Five, please! I know you,” Sam pleaded. Five swallowed, watching Sara shake her head. “You can’t just leave him there. You’ve got to try and save him.”

“You’re gonna get yourself killed,” Sara signed.

When did that ever matter?

Five took off for the other track, pushing for her top pace.

“Yes, that’s it, Five!”

The encouragement urged her faster, she was starting to worry she couldn’t keep her feet in place, at this speed if she tripped she’d go flying.

Owen wiggled pathetically on the track. “Help, help. Please, help me!”

The train rushed past the diversion, tearing onto Owens track. Five pushed into a dead man's sprint, she wasn’t sure how she was going to stop but that was a problem for a few more seconds.

“You’re nearly there, Five.”

“Oh Jesus, the train!”

She threw herself down, skidding on her legs to a stop, the tracks ripping at her bare skin, stopping next to Owen.

“It’s right behind you,” Thanks Sam. “Looks like he’s tied tightly. Have you-,”

Five pulled a knife from her ankle strap. “Oh, yes! Good, you’ve got a knife. That’s my Five – always ready for anything.”

_That’s my Five._

“I don’t want to die! Not like this!”

Five scrambled onto her knees and severed his bonds. Owen sat up and hugged her.

“Aw, thanks, mate! I owe you one. Thought I was dead for sure.

Five tensed, not liking the sudden connection.

“You will be if you don’t get off the track,” Sam’s voice cut through her panic. “The train’s-,”

Five threw herself forward, pulling Owen with her, rolling off the tracks, the train lashing wind on her back.

“-coming!”

Owen land hard on Five’s chest, she cried out, the pain bringing tears to her eyes.

“Are you okay? Five, Five?”

“Sorry, mate, uh,” Owen got off her, shaking badly.

“Five answer me?”

“You okay there Five?”

Five pressed a hand to her side, waiting for the jolting pain to subside. When it didn’t she grit her teeth and sat up. _Five here,_ she tapped.

“All right Five, Jesus Christ that was close. I’m sorry but you need to keep moving.”

Yeah, yeah that sounds about right.

* * *

Sam watched Maxine stare down the horse in the quad from the cameras. Her and Five were having a discussion Sam couldn’t hear because well, the camera’s weren’t audio, but he could see Five’s wild signs and the conversation was certainly something.

She’d outrun a train, jumped across a bridge, ran on top of a train, saved Owens life, and just like rodeoed a horse of the tracks.

How was she so amazing, it didn’t make sense. Five shouldn't be able to do all those things.

Maxine patted the horse's nose with the practised ease of someone who grew up on a farm, Five, on the other hand, seemed a little frightened of it.

Whatever horse whispering skills she had in that one moment faded faster than his hope he would be able to get over his crush on Five if he just didn’t think about it.

He was thinking about it, a lot.

Five put a hand on her hip, pulling a smug look at Maxine.

He felt that tightness in his chest again.

Sam dropped his head onto the table, he really did have it bad.

He stayed like that for a moment, trying to get his heart rate down, he needed to get this crush under control, he needed to-

“Sam?”

Sam looked up.

“You having a nap?” Five asked, closing the door to the shack, pulling off her headset and unloading the battery to plug it into the charger. She thumbed the headset, scratching her nail on the side. “You haven't got any more of those dino stickers, mine came off on the train.”

Her hair had been pulled out of the bobble, falling in messy wisps around her face. When had her hair gotten so long? He liked it long though, but really he’d like any hair on Five.

“Sam?”

Sam jolted. “Right, uh, yeah, dinosaur stickers, I think, just for you, I’ll let you have the last triceratops.”

He pulled the stickers out of the draw he just threw random junk in, handing her the packet of dwindling dino’s.

“You do know how to treat a lady,” Five said, settling on the edge of the desk to place the sticker. “I’ve only just got the adjustments perfect, and if I don’t mark it as mine, Simon will steal it when he forgets to charge his, he’ll ruin it with his big head.”

Sam watched her flatten the sticker down, nose scrunching as she positioned it.

He couldn't get the image of her bolting after Owen out of his head. The way she skidded onto her side, knife at the ready. It had been brilliant.

“You did beautifully today,” he blurted.

Five looked up. “Huh, oh uh-,” Five blushed, bowing her head to hide her smile. “Yeah well, so did you.”

“I didn’t do much,” Sam said.

“You kept camera’s on us, like on a moving train, that’s…well,” she shrugged. “It’s really impressive.”

“It’s not much,” he said. “Just gotta keep my runner’s alive.”

Five hummed lightly to herself, going back to flattening the sticker on her headset.

“So I was-,”

“I wanted to-,”

They both stopped talking.

“You go first,” Sam said.

Five stared at him for a long time. “I uhhh…" she cleared her throat, "did you wanna, like, watch a film tonight? It's okay if not just, Janine has taken me off duties and there’s no more runs scheduled so I figured you’re free.”

“I’d love too,” he half yelled, startling her again.

Five chuckled. “Any suggestions?”

“Whatever you like,” he said.

"Careful, I'll see if I can dig out Barbie and the twelve dancing princesses from the nursery," she teased. "If I can wrestle it out of Molly's grip."

"I used to love that film as a kid."

"Of course you did," Five's eyes rested on his face for a long while. "How about a ghibli movie, I think Jody found a copy of Howls Moving Castle a few weeks back."

"Yeah, sounds perfect."

She nodded. "Cool...cool," Five dug her boots into the floor. “What were you going to say?”

_I love you._

Sam stammered. “I wanted to say, uhhh, I’m really grateful you uh…you went after Owen.”

Five cocked her head. “It’s a good thing I always keep a knife in my boot, otherwise… those bonds were pretty tight.”

Sam looked down at Five’s boot, her legs were a tad battered, the common runner injuries, light scrapes and bruising. “Since when did you start doing that?”

“Sara gave it to me,” she stood, heading to the headset wall, reaching up to hang it up on her hook.

Fives shirt rode up a little, a nasty black bruise on her ribs.

The chair crashed into the wall as he shot up. “Five what happened?”

She frowned, holding up the fabric when she noticed him trying to inspect it. “Oh uh…I think I broke a rib, that might be an overstatement, I probably just bruised it.”

It was a lot of bruising. “We should get you to Maxine,” Sam said.

“Sam it’s fine, there’s nothing she can do anyway, you can’t exactly cast a rib.”

Sam ran his thumb over the edge of the bruise. “It looks painful.”

She coughed. “It doesn’t feel good, but seriously it's fine, I can breathe, I can run, I’m like eighty percent certain it's just bruised.”

“Five.”

“Sam.”

Sam turned back to the bruising, watching the lines of her ribs rise and fall, the bruising moving with it. He cleared his throat, lowering his hands and shoving them into his pockets. “Please talk to Maxine about it. For me.”

Her face was blank for a few beats, then she groaned, stomping her foot. “God damn. I hate that I can’t say no to you.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“Yeah whatever, you got me to chase a train," she poked his chest, "so you owe me a lot of favours, Yao.”

“You didn’t have to run after the train. Well, you did, but, if you couldn’t-,”

“Sam it’s fine, I’m just grateful I lived up to your expectation of me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I don't know why but this chapter was super hard to write, and no matter what I couldn't get myself to like it, so I just decided to post it because I drafted it over four times and it JUST DOESNT WORK!  
> So I'm sorry if its got more errors than usual or drags a little, I just needed to get this one done so I can move onto the rest of the story.   
> Right sorry for the long explanation  
> I hope you enjoyed, and if not that's cool too!  
> Stay Safe Out There


	29. Burns like a fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler warning for Season 2 Mission 28-29  
> Content Warning - Cannon typical violence, mild sexual themes

Sam set his water bottle down, watching Five and Sara circle each other in the new boxing ring – well, more like a fenced-off area with some mats on the floor - they had set up in one of the larger shacks. Five already had a busted lip but was smiling like a damn idiot as she stared Sara down.

Sara, on the other hand, was all work, expression locked into neutrality, not a scratch on her. Sam had only ever seen Five fight once before and that was when she muted him to take out those zombies in a pharmacy. He knew she could fight, it was common knowledge that she could, and she’d thrown enough punches in New Canton and came away from them all walking that he also knew she was good, but he never knew how good.

Sara lunged striking at Five’s side, fast quick jabs that Five blocked with the flat of her arm. It was too fast for Sam to make out detail, all he could see was that it looked exhausting.

Sara struck over and over, sometimes kicking, sometimes punching, always landing the hit. Even when Five dodged she usually wasn’t fast enough, but she was always fast to block, so she often opted for blocking instead.

He knew Sara was the better fighter, he could see it in the way that she looked impassive whereas Five looked brutal, but Five wasn’t far behind. If Sara was the lighting Five was the thunder, the time she followed varied, but damn did she always follow.

Sam already knew Five was practically superhero material but watching this set something off. It was terrifying, but he didn’t dislike watching it.

A blow landed on Sara’s face, knocking her back, Five went for a kick to the leg. Sara planned for this, in three quick moves, she batted Five’s leg aside, punched her in the chin and kicked her in the chest, knocking Five hard onto her back.

Sam shot up, did Sara just forget that Five’s rib was bruised?

Five lay on her back, stunned for a moment, he took a step forward, frightened she was hurt.

And she started laughing, gripping her side.

Sara stood over her. “You’re getting too cocky,” she said. “Just because you’re good doesn’t mean you can take a risk like that.”

“You left your side open,” Five signed. “It was a calculated risk.”

“You failed.”

“Yeah, well, I’m really bad a maths.”

She sat up, smiling at Sam.

Sara raised a brow. “Sam, is there a problem?”

He picked at the frayed fabric of the shorts he’d borrowed from Simon. “Uh-,”

“I’m teaching him how to defend himself,” Five signed, getting up and brushing herself clean. “Just a few basic things.”

“Are you now?” Sara asked. “Well then, guess that is my cue to get going.”

She climbed out of the ring, scooped up her bag and water. “Don’t kill the poor boy.”

“I won’t make any promises.”

Sara closed the door.

“Please don’t kill me,” Sam said. “That would be so embarrassing.”

Five smiled. “It’s fine, that’ll be lesson two.” She grimaced, pulling her shirt up a little and poking at the bruise on her side. “Ahh shit.”

“We don’t have to do this, your ribs still-,”

“My rib is fine, just a bruise,” Five said, poking at it then hissing when _shockingly_ , poking it made it hurt.

“It’s a bad bruise,” Sam mumbled.

“Sara just kicked my ass, I think I can take training you,” Five lowered her shirt. “Anyway, as much as you say you’re scrappy, I don’t think you’ll hurt me just yet.”

Sam climbed into the ring. “I just don’t want to make it worse.”

She patted his arm. “I appreciate that you care, but really it’s fine, just a bruise.”

Sam nodded. “Okay, okay. So where do we begin?”

“Well, you still haven’t clarified if you wanna fight the dead or living.”

“Is there a difference?”

She chuckled. “Well, fighting the dead is kind of like fighting a giant toddler, they lack motor coordination, but a large crowd of toddlers can very easily take you down.”

“You have a lot of experience fighting toddlers?”

“Have you ever tried to get a toddler to eat something they don’t like?”

“Not in my lifetime no.”

“Yeah well, they can be scrappy little shits,” Five said. “So yeah, generally if you have to fight a zombie, it’s easy to outsmart them, the problem lies in the fact that you can’t let them draw blood.”

“So, the solution?”

Five rolled out her arms. “You come up from behind where you can, fighting a zombie head on is never smart, here I’ll show you.” Five grabbed his arms and spun him around so she was stood behind him. “This will usually work even if the zombie is bigger than you, you have to be careful though that you don’t put your arm near its mouth.”

To demonstrate, Five stood a little closer and wrapped an arm around his neck under his jaw. “If you’re not fast enough or-,” she tightened her grip. “Or tight enough, it’s going to bite you, you have to get them right under the chin.”

Sam felt a bit pathetic just stood there with Five’s arm around the neck. “If you have a knife now would be the prime time to stab them in the eye.”

“Gross.”

“Effective,” she shifted their weight backwards throwing him off balance but keeping her own. Then she did a weird spin, kicked the front of his knee and dropped him on the floor in a huff.

Sam lay slightly winded looking up at Five with her hands on her hips. “And then,” she raised her foot above his head. “You stomp their lights out…also when you kick the knee you wanna kick hard enough to hear a crack cuz if you need to bolt, they can’t follow you.”

She helped him up, standing back whilst he got his bearings. “Could you show me again?”

Five nodded, running through it a few times.

She had him practise it on her and at first, he was scared he was going to hurt her, but after a while, he got the movement and was able to take her down if she didn’t resist.

They stopped for a water break, Five complaining about the heat and climbing out of the ring, pulling off her shirt, leaving her in just a sports bra and shorts. Sam’s face got very warm.

_This is torture_ , Sam thought. _This is actual torture._

She climbed back into the ring.

“I want you to hit me.”

“What?”

“I wanna see how you punch,” Five snorted at his shocked expression. “Sam, it’s fine, I can take a punch.”

“I’m not sure if I can give one, punching isn’t really my favourite pass time.”

“No, that’s being an annoying shit.” A raised brow. “Show me how you stand.”

Sam raised his hands, taking up a stance.

“I thought you were left-handed?” she frowned.

“I am.”

“Then why are you standing like a right-handed person, is it more comfortable that way or…”

“Um,” Sam shifted to stand the other way. This was far more comfortable. “I guess I was just copying you.”

“You wanna avoid _that_ at all costs,” Five teased. “But seriously, if you learn to fight like that it’s gonna throw off some people, you’ll want that edge.”

“I don’t have an edge,” Sam said, furling his fists.

“Thumbs on the outside, dear.”

“Huh…oh,” Sam corrected his hands. “Anything else?”

“Don’t look so tense.”

“Fighting is tense, this is a tense situation," he shuffled. "I am tense."

Five smiled.

“Well maybe it's not tense for you,” Sam said. “Not all of us are masochists.”

“I’m not a masochist,” Five folded her arms. “Now, punch me, right in the face.”

“Not helping the masochist argument.”

“Samuel.”

“Yuh-huh”

“Do it.”

Sam punched, aiming to miss her face. No reaction, not even a flinch.

It took a lot of effort to aim for her face the second time and when he did Five just ducked aside.

“To be fair, you have a really strong jab,” she said, walking around behind him. She placed her hands on his hips, turning him a little and then used her foot to adjust his stance.

Sam swallowed, did she have to correct his stance like this, he was already very distracted.

She stayed still for a moment, not moving her hands, breath warm on his neck.

Sam was about to ask if something was wrong just to break the unbearable silence but Five stepped back in front of him. “Right…uh…that should feel more stable, you can-,” she coughed. “If you twist your back foot up onto your toe you should be able to throw more weight into the punch,” she demonstrated. “Like so.”

They ran through more drills, getting to a point Sam was actually pretty impressed with - seeing he had no athletic talent whatsoever. He was able to run through a few combinations of jabs and hooks and even a dodge if he was really focussing on what was happening and not on the other more distracting elements of this whole situation.

Sam ran a hand through his hair, taking a moment to catch his breath.

“Right,” she bounced on her feet as she spoke. “Once more then we’ll call it a day,” Five said.

Sam retook his stance, facing Five.

He ran through the drill again, two jabs, a hook, a dodge, a jab and-

She grabbed his wrist, pulling him forward, hooking her foot around his leg and pulling them out from under him.

Five pinned Sam on his back, straddling across his stomach, hands on either side of his face, smiling her smug grin.

Sam couldn’t move, not only because Five had him pinned, but because _Five_ had _him_ pinned in a rather compromising position, panting above him, smiling, hair messy and cheeks flushed.

_This is what it would be like._

Sam blushed, hoping she would mistake the rapidness of his breathing as exertion and not the fact that he was thinking a great many things right now.

However, even though she’d won, Five didn’t move, she kept him pinned, looking down at him, chest against his.

Sam didn’t realise he’d put his hands on her hips until he pulled her tighter and she didn’t resist, leaning closer.

“Sam, darling, that kind of defeats the point,” she breathed, but she still didn’t move, her throat worked, and her eyes trailed down his face a few times.

With the sun from the window behind her like this, he couldn’t not look at her face. Highlighted in the golden light, the lines of her features were bold and breathtaking.

He moved one hand of her hip and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Have I ever told you how pretty you are?” Sam asked

Five was taken back. “What?”

He came back to himself at that moment. “I just…” Sam dropped his hands. “I think you win.”

Five didn’t respond.

“Five?”

She cleared her throat and laughed, dropping her head. “Yeah, I win,” she said, rolling off him and onto her back next to him. “You held your own there for a while.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, you have a mean hook,” She sat up. “Shit, we should…we should probably get ready for today’s mission.”

Like Sam would be able to keep his mind on a mission now.

“Yeah, yeah.”

* * *

What had she been thinking, pinning Sam to the floor like that? How stupid was she, how undeniably and incredibly stupid? She…damn she just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

She just saw the opportunity and she thought, oh you know what’s a brilliant thing to do with someone you have a giant crush on, pin them to the floor and straddle them.

Yeah, that will solve the crush, that will get rid of it entirely. It’s common knowledge, you wanna get over someone, straddle the bitch.

Five could still feel his hands on her hips.

Fuck sake.

“You’re looking particularly sour today Five, more than usual, which, granted, is often sour, but today you’re looking, like mega sour,” Simon said, voice a little breathless from their fast jog to Holmes Settlement.

Five sniffed, adjusting the straps of her backpack.

“Because you know you can always talk to uncle Simon about your problems, so what is it? Wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Ate a bad apple? Boy troubles? Girl troubles?”

“What?” Sam coughed.

Five gave Simon a dark look.

“It is boy troubles isn’t it,” Simon said. “I can tell because you look about ready to peel my skin off.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be having this conversation,” Sam said, voice a tad higher than normal. “Professionalism and all that.”

Did he know about Five’s crush? Well, with the way she was acting this morning he probably did, and she made the whole situation super uncomfortable because now he had to let her down gently.

“Since when did you care about professionalism, come on Sam, you’re the biggest gossip Abel has to offer, don’t you wanna know why Five looks ready to commit arson?”

“I’d wanna commit arson if I have to run with you,” Sam said.

“So, who is it, Five, who in Abel do you have your eye on?”

Five kept her gaze resolutely on the path ahead.

“Jody? No, it’s not Jody. Uh, Sara? Bit old for you Sara is,” Simon continued.

She debated if she could murder him without Sam knowing. He’d probably guess Simon was dead by the lack of mindless prattle.

“Oh, oh is it Evan? You have a thing for the older men? Well, that just speaks of daddy issues.”

It could be fast, sure Simon was big but Five had fought men his size.

“It’s not me is it?”

Knife to the jugular, right in the throat.

“Oh, I know, is it Sam?”

Sam guffawed so loudly Five jumped. “It’s not me!” Sam said.

Five’s heart sunk, Sam was so adamant it wasn’t him.

“Is it?” Simon asked.

Thank god for Sara drilling into her a poker face, Five was using all her training to keep her features neutral, to not show anything, to not give any hint of her heart away.

“Oh, I don’t know, you’re worse to get a read on than Sara sometimes,” Simon said. “Hey Sammy, we’re coming up to the fence now. Can you see anyone moving in there, Five?

The atmosphere immediately switched to professional again, all three of them knowing they had to be on guard.

Sam hummed. “They’ve left the gate open. Why don’t you get inside and have a closer look?”

Hinges creaked on the gate, slightly rusted from lack of care.

“Okay, we’re in,” Simon said. “Uh, I think you might have a point, Sam. It’s really silent.”

Five gave Sam a scan of the area with her headcam. It was a small village. Unlike Abel, the town was actually once a small village of thatched-roofed cottages, with proper concrete roads and street names, but they had erected a bunch of shed-like homes, streaming bunting between them, lanterns hanging from the rope. Doors swung on their hinges, left open, a few had been battered from stormy weather, the inside of the houses waterlogged from the open doors. The last storm being three days ago it’s had to be abandoned for at least three days.

“There’s not a single person around, is there?” Sam asked.

Simon poked his head in a door, pulling out his pistol when he noticed Five draw hers. “Nope.”

“I mean, there’s not a single sign of a single person around.”

Five wandered over to a small play park.

“Not a sausage.”

“But there were people,” Sam said. “No, I mean, there’s a little pink children’s bike leaning up against that shed. It’s like the kid just left it there for a minute, except where’s the kid?”

Five jumped over the fence into the play area, teddy’s just left abandoned. Kids these days don’t just leave teddy’s lying around. Not anymore.

Simon whistled at her. “See that house on the left,” she followed his sightline. “It’s got dinner on the table. There’s a fork stuck in the meat like they stopped halfway through carving, but it’s been there for a while. There are flies buzzing around, and the bread’s gone green.”

Five squinted at it, she really should see Maxine about getting a stronger pair of glasses.

“Keep moving, guys,” Sam said. “I just think you’ll be safer if you just keep moving.”

They pushed further into the settlement, more discarded meals and abandoned work and dropped toys. Five had noticed a bad smell on the air, but she wasn’t so sure if it was her being paranoid and getting some bad déjà vu or if it genuinely did smell like death.

The wind caught a bike, knocking it over, making Simon jump half out of his skin. “Mary Celeste,” he said. “There, I said it. This place is like the Mary Celeste. They’re all gone, there isn’t a single body.”

_Yeah, that’s way worse._

“Any sign of violence?” Sam asked.

“Nothing. There’s nothing, Sam, it’s like they vanished into thin air. It would actually be less creepy if they’d all been eaten by zombs but there’s no blood anywhere.”

The street pushed into something of a farm area, the cottages replaced with farmhouses, no horses or animals within.

“Hang on. Did you see that?” Sam asked.

Five spun in time to see Simon whip his head around. “What? Where?”

“To your right. I thought there was movement.”

Simon looked to his right. “I can’t see anything. Are you sure?”

Five started to circle around the buildings.

Sam hummed, his chair creaking from him moving forward. “No, no, it was just… no, there it is again! Did you see it that time?”

Simon gave her the gesture to flank them, one person. “Yeah, yeah, it’s a person.”

She took the long way around the buildings, keeping one eye on Simon’s direct approach and one eye on the figure.

“Don’t think he’s spotted you,” Sam said.

Simon sprinted up the road towards him. “Only a matter of time. What kind of monster is he? What did he do to all the people here?”

“Uh, guys, uh, it’s not that I think violence is always the answer, but did you happen to bring any weapons with you?”

Five pointed her headcam down at her pistol.

“Yep. Locked and loaded. I love saying that. It sounds so macho,” Simon crooned, not acknowledging the only reason he was allowed gun rights was because he was friendly with Janine.

Simons little catchphrase alerted their target, he shot a look back and darted to the side out of Five’s view before she could get a proper look.

“Watch out, guys, he’s seen you,” Sam announced.

“It’s okay, I’ve got a clear shot.”

Bullet’s sprayed of the bare brick wall of a cottage, pausing Jamie mid-run.

“Stop firing, you lunatic, it’s me,” he said, stepping away from the bullet holes.

“Jamie?” Simon lowered the pistol. Five sighed and came out of her flanking manoeuvre, jogging into the main road again. “What are you doing here? I nearly killed you!”

Jamie raised a brow. “Yeah, lucky you’re a terrible shot.”

Simon waved his pistol around. “I missed on purpose.”

“Yeah?”

“No, not really,” he put it back in its holster. “Why are you here?”

“Two of my kids is here, Carena and Jasper.”

Five didn’t think groaning loudly would earn her a lot of favour. But if she was forced to carry another tantruming child, she was going to riot.

“Oh no, what happened?” Simon asked, far more empathetic than she was.

“Run away, didn’t they? It’s because they used to live here before, but I don’t know which house they was in, so I’m looking in all of them. Got to find them before dark.”

Five motioned for them to start moving again, taking point to restart their search.

“Have you found anyone, anyone at all?” Simon asked.

Jamie jogged up to one of the few closed doors. “No, but they got to be here somewhere.” He pushed it open. “Carena! Jasper!”

“Look, there’s a big barn along the road there. That’s the kind of place I would have hidden in when I was a kid.” Simon said.

Five agreed, barns were good hiding places.

“Five, can you give Jamie your spare headset? I just want to be able to talk to all of you, you know, just in case.” Five pulled out her spare set and tossed it to him. “Can you hear me, Jamie?”

Jamie rolled out his neck. “Yup.”

Five took point again to head towards the barn, the smell of death getting stronger. From the looks on everyone’s faces, it had clocked for them too.

All but Sam.

“So, long time, no see, eh?” Sam started. “How you been? Been keeping busy? Keeping your pecker up?”

“Looks like the barn ain’t locked,” Jamie said. “Five, you grab that door, I’ll take this one.”

Five took a stench filled breath, yeah the rot was definitely coming from the barn.

Simon took a few steps back, pointing his pistol at the door, counting down silently. Five braced and yanked it open.

“What the hell?”

Bodies, rows and rows of standing bodies. Half rotted and bloated.

“Now we know where everyone went,” Sam said.

She backed up. “Why aren’t they moving?” she signed.

Jamie followed, keeping his steps quiet. “They’re all zombs, all of them.”

It was starting to get fuzzy.

Tones resonated from the barn, high and wining and too similar to the tones Archie messed with.

The bodies all turned, reaching out, scrambling over themselves to claw at them.

“We should probably run.”

It was too similar, it felt just the same, hundreds of hands grasping towards her.

“Five move.”

Five shook her head, watching a group of children crawl through the mangled legs, getting trampled by the adults.

“Jamie! Grab Five and move it!”

A hand grabbed her arm, yanking her back, forcing her into a run.

“Keep up the pace, guys,” Sam ordered. “Those zombs are really fast.”

“And they’re all running in formation,” Simon said, shooting glances back. “It’s Van Ark, isn’t it? Dammit! I thought we’d killed all his tame zombies.”

Jamie let go of Five’s arm when it was clear she was running of her own volition again. “Yeah, so he decided to make some more. But how did he get a whole township?”

_Just keep running, that’s what your good at, just keep running._

“It’s okay,” Sam said. “Head for the school, and your way out’s clear.”

“Jamie! Jamie!”

“It’s Carena, I can see her. She’s right by the school.”

Jamie beelined to the school, cutting across the football pitch, scooping her up and cradling her to his chest, peaking through the window into the school. Hands and faces leapt at the glass, howling at him. “Fucking hell!”

Simon skidded up next to him, looking in. “He’s turned all the children. That bastard! He turned all the kids into zombies!”

Five stopped. Why does it always have to be kid zombies.

“Jamie, Jamie, they bit Jasper!” Carena cried. “Jasper’s been eated!”

Her screaming was shrill, it was starting to get too much.

“It’s alright, sweetie. It’s going to be alright.”

Five couldn’t breathe, everything was getting warped, the sounds too much, too overwhelming.

“It’s not going to be alright! Those zombie kids have cut off our escape route.”

_Could someone shut that damn kid up._

“For goodness’ sake, Three, have a bit of sensitivity.”

Carena screamed louder, the zombies in the school pressing up against the windows, scratching at them, clawing, pounding.

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hands.

Five closed her eyes, putting her hands over her ears.

_Stop it, stop it, stop screaming, stop screaming!_

“Five what are you doing, this way now!”

Five looked up, Simon was motioning at her to follow him, Jamie nowhere to be seen.

He had a strained look on his face, eyes flicking to the horde behind her.

“Hey, come on, zombs! Come on, this way,” Simon stomped his feet, sprinting off back towards the barn, leaving the hundred of hands behind.

Five darted after him.

Things were getting worse.

“You’re doing great, guys,” Sam said. “You’re nearly back at the barn, and they’re all after you, even the… even the little ones.”

“There were a lot of people in this place. I hope Jamie’s got enough spray,” Simon said, leading Five down a small alley onto the main street, heading straight to the barn.

“We’re about to find out.”

They barrelled towards the barn, doing a McShell to get the horde to charge in, Jamie stood over them with a spray on an overhanging platform.

He clicked the tank on, Carena in one arm, nozzle in the other and started to douse the dead with it. “Yeah, how do you like that?”

The bodies started to twitch, matter coming out of their ears, collapsing to the ground.

“It’s working,” Simon announced.

“You did it, Jamie, you killed them,” Sam said.

Jamie climbed down from the overhang. “Yeah…all them kids.”

_Yeah...all them kids._

* * *

Simon put Carena down, letting her run off to play with the other kids Jamie took care of in the fire station, now fully recovered from her allergic reaction to the spray.

She scrambled towards one of the older boys, showing off her new scab, the horror of witnessing Jasper get eaten not registering in her tiny brain.

That girl was going to need a lot of therapy.

Five was seething, now that the panic had settled, a rage had taken over the place it once occupied, and she had nowhere to direct it.

“There’s so many,” Simon said, staring at the children.

“Yeah well someone has to look after ‘em.” Jamie said.

Jamie pulled off his jacket, tossing it on a bench and wandering into a side room that had clearly been an office but was now his bedroom.

They both followed. She had somewhere to direct her anger now.

“Why the hell do you keep losing these kids?” Five signed wildly.

Jamie folded his arms. “What?”

“You lost Jasper and Carena twice, how are you so damn stupid?”

“Excuse me?”

Simon swallowed. “Maybe I should just…I’m going to check the perimeter.” He scurried out.

“You have something you want to say to me, Five?” Jamie asked, flopping down onto the mattress in the corner, sounding entirly unimpressed by the whole situation.

Five gestured at the kids through the door. “If you’re not going to look after them properly why on earth are you keeping them?”

“It’s the right thing to do innit.”

“Not when you a pathetic caretaker.”

“Pathetic?” Jamie laughed. “Pathetic, you can’t call me that.”

Five balled her fists a few times. “Carena is what? Six? How is a six-year-old able to go traipsing about to a whole new settlement on her own?”

“I can’t keep an eye on her all the time, I have to look for food, take care of the others.”

“Well then maybe you shouldn’t be taking care of them.”

“You have no right to tell me what to do,” Jamie said, standing, taking a step towards her to tower over her. “You don’t give a shit about things like duty.”

Five wasn't going to let him use his height to intimidate her. “Jasper is dead because you weren’t paying attention, I think I have every right.”

He poked a finger at her. “ _Archie_ is dead because _you_ weren’t paying attention!” Jamie yelled.

Five froze. “What?”

“You can’t lecture me about how to look after kids when you can’t even look after another adult. She’s dead because you weren’t fast enough.”

“Me?”

“Yes you, you were the one who let her get captured in the first place, so it’s really damn rich that you think it’s okay to yell at me when I’ve just lost one of my kids.”

“They’d be safer at Abel.”

“Not with you around.”

Five glared at him. “Fine whatever, kill those kids for all I care.”

She turned on her heel, about to leave when he grabbed her arm.

_Don’t you dare._

Jamie had an expression that was hard to place, his shoulders were tense, lined in anger, but his eyes were red and bloodshot.

It hurt him, he was hurting. He had just lost a kid. But right now, Five was finding it very hard to care. If he wasn't so bloody prideful then maybe Jasper wouldnt be dead.

She yanked her arm free and stormed out, meeting Simon at the gate.

“Did you have a good fight?”

“Fuck off.”

“Okay then.”

Five stormed back to Abel, the rage seething deep in her stomach. She was so mad she could punch something, how could he let a child die? How could anyone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so yeah that was this chapter! We're almost at the chapters I've had written for a few months though that I've been so excited about so bear with me on the chapters I'm sort of slugging through. I'm enjoying writing, but it's just a little tough atm  
> Thank you for reading!  
> Stay Safe out there!


	30. Aim for the heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2 M31
> 
> CW: Cannon typical violence, mild self harm, guns, blood, VAN ARK!!
> 
> If you see any typos, no you don't I'm just a dumbass

Autumn had settled in, trees still trying to cling to the last dredge of summer by staying stubbornly green. It felt like back to school and new semesters, even if it had now been over two years since this time of year actually meant back to school to him.

He liked the autumn, it wasn’t his favourite, that was spring, but autumn was good too, good enough that he propped the door to the shack open during most runs to enjoy the last dredges of sunshine and crisp air.

Storm season had passed, and Sam was grateful, no more worrying the next grey sky meant thunder and therefore another panic from Five. Sure they may have more in the coming months, but it was less likely.

Even despite the nice weather and beautiful scenery that had set up in the land around Abel, Five was in a notably foul mood.

Five had been in a foul mood since her mission with Simon to the Holmes settlement. And her mood had gotten even fouler since the raid on Abel.

At first, Sam had thought it was about the news that the spray was harmful to kids, which would make sense, it upset him. And neither of them liked having to keep it on the down-low because of what the Major told them.

But as much as it pained them both, he didn’t think the foul mood was to do with that. Not entirely. Simon had spoken to Sam about Five freezing up on the mission, something Five has never done before, and so Sam thought maybe Five was finally cracking for real. After all this time something had to give, he just wished she wasn't so good at hiding it.

Hell, she was so cheery after her panic attack during the storm that he often forgot he intended to have a proper talk with her about it each time they hung out.

See that was the problem, she was just so charmingly disarming. A boyish smile, a witty remark, a playful punch or snarky quip, it was very easy to get lost in the joy of being in her presence, even when it was an artificial joy. It was easier to know something was wrong with Five before they became friends because Five didn’t bother to hide then. But now she masked, like the act of being a friend meant she’d put the effort in to not bringing you down with her moods. Now she wanted to protect him.

But even despite her masking, despite her chipper and snark and humour, Sam could see that Five was in a foul mood. She damn near beat up the raider who was trying to steal the barrel of Myers spray into a bloody pulp were it not for the woman pulling a gun and Five freezing again.

Her chipper had gotten more pronounced after that, bordering on manic.

So, Sam thought, that he could get her out on an easy run and try and frame it as a favour. Seeing as Five liked helping people and he had a vague interest in some weird coordinates that really wasn’t anything he thought it was a good excuse to get her talking to him again. An alone mission meant she could talk if she wanted to.

Sam tucked a cereal bar into the side pouch of Five’s pack, hoping she’d spot it on her run and get some calories in after skipping yet another breakfast after sleeping in late.

The reason for sleeping in late, Sara had her up running drills in the dark, he heard them come in at four AM, Sara berating Five for her shoddy footwork before Five crashed half on half off her bed with her door open and clothes still on.

Sam had gone in that morning and taken her shoes off and manoeuvre her into a position that wouldn’t hurt when she woke up, closing the door so she could get at least four hours of sleep before she absolutely had to get up.

It wasn’t the first time he’d had to do it now.

Sam still didn’t like the way Sara practically worked Five to the bone, sure, Five was a super soldier now, she’d had one to one military training for nearly a year, that made Five pretty damn skilled, but it also made her pretty damn tired, and Sam pretty damn sick of it.

The light from the door darkened, Sam jumping half out of his skin as Maxine stood panting in the room. “Sam there’s a medical emergency, I need you to head to the hospital now!”

Sam shot up. “Oh my god is it Five? What’s happened, is everyone okay? Is Simon hurt what-,”

Maxine’s eyes were wild. “I’ll explain when you get there I just need-,” she took a shaky breath. “Just go I’ll meet you there.”

Sam shot out of the shack, pelting towards the hospital.

_Please don’t be Five, please, please._

He didn’t know what he would do if Five was seriously hurt, he-

The gates made the noise, a creak of hydraulics as they opened.

He stopped.

Sam turned back towards the gate, watching Maxine usher Five out of the quad, Five looking around a little unsure as she pulled her pack on.

Really? Did Maxine just trick him?

Sam jogged back to the shack and slumped into his chair, letting his heart rate come down from the mild panic.

He pulled on the headset and flicked open their channel.

“I hate you, Maxine,” Sam said, curling up into the chair.

“I had you going for a second there, Sammy,” Maxine said, their dots moving on the scanner into the treeline away from Abel. “Oh, wow, it is beautiful out here! Trees, river, birds, not too many decomposing corpses. I should play hooky more often.”

Sam picked up a spider of the table and put it on the floor. “No, you shouldn’t.”

“You’re just mad because I managed to outwit you,” Maxine teased.

Five snorted.

His cheeks started to burn. “Yeah, I’m not sure telling me that I’m urgently needed for a medical emergency, and then raising the gates yourself while I run across the quad constitutes outwitting, exactly. More like abuse of your position, if you ask me.”

A long groan. “It’s hardly a serious offence.”

He was fed up of this, sure Maxine may find it funny, but she wasn’t as accustomed to how dangerous everything is out there, so much could go wrong, she could get hurt. Five could get hurt. “We never risk the doctor. You know that!” He leaned up from putting the spider on the floor. “Plus, if you recall, the last time you went off-site for a few minutes, we got invaded. We’re still cleaning up the mess. Feathers, everywhere.”

“You can’t blame that on me,” Maxine argued, which was fair, it wasn’t her fault, but he was stubborn enough to pretend it is. “And there are more doctors at New Canton. Anil’s look after my patients right now. Runner Three’s helping out at the lab. Zombie spray tests are nearly complete.”

A solemn silence fell on all three of them, Five’s running getting a tad slower.

“Complete if we’re okay with potentially killing some children, which I’m not sure we are,” Sam mumbled.

Maxine sighed. “Yeah, I know. I still think we might find some way to not do that. I understand what the Major says about greatest good, but…” she hummed, her headcam spinning, Maxine taking in the scenery. “Oh, I just needed to get out, clear my head! And this, as you said yourself, is just a short run. The coordinates you picked up right, the Illuminati stuff. Explain to me again exactly how you got these coordinates? I knew you’d been following some disturbance on Rofflenet, but is there any way for that not to make you sound like a crazy tin foil hat wearer?”

Sam perked up at the opportunity to change the subject away from the mass murder of children. “I like tinfoil hats. Tinfoil hats are cool.”

Maxine tutted. “But it’s basically crazy, right?”

“Yeah, basically. It’s just… I have a theory,” Sam trailed off, busy checking the scanners, making sure the area was safe. With Five he had more leeway on what was considered safe. With Maxine…well, he wasn’t sure if anything was.

“Aliens? Demons? Bunnies?” Maxine prompted.

He zoned back into the conversation. “Just… for ages, it seemed like stuff was appearing on Rofflenet at random. Except not random? Every fifth message sometimes, or only on Tuesdays, or when the date of the month was a prime number.”

 _I’m surprised you know what a prime number is, dear._ Five had teased when he explained. _That right there is big boy maths._

“Standard issue crazy talk, my friend,” Maxine said.

“I know,” he agreed. “And the Major thinks so, too. And pretty much everyone at New Canton. Even their conspiracy theory recreational group.”

“They have a-,”

“They have a lot of groups,” he said. Too many. “They’re a group-based culture. But yeah, so, I’ve been keeping track of these extra letters and numbers appearing at the ends of messages. Some of them repeat. And there were a few that looked like map coordinates, ordnance survey, leading to that church there on the horizon. So, Five and I agreed that if I could work the shifts so Five had an afternoon off -

Maxine made a noise that had Sam knowing exactly where she was going. “You are too good to him, Five.”

Her headcam caught the end of Five hiding a smile.

“See? _Friends_ do things like this for each other, Maxine. Instead of lying about medical emergencies, and-,” something pinged the scanner. Sam quickly flicked through the channels, trying to pin down a working camera in the area. Maxine heading out before he had properly set up the mission meant he didn’t line up the cameras for the run like usual. It was a lot more stressful trying to find the working cameras when the run had actually started.

“Do you see that?” he asked. “Got something on long-range cams at the church.”

Maxine’s camera homed in on a figure, Five’s started to scan the area.

“Someone moving around outside,” Maxine said.

“Yeah, looks like a woman by herself.”

They head forward.

“We just need to get a bit closer. Five-,”

“Wait!” Sam called, Five grabbed out at Maxine’s arm but missed. “Wait. If you don’t stay in cover, she’ll see you.”

Maxine rushed forward into the brush, practically up against the church wall. “Oh my God, it’s her. It’s Paula.”

No way.

Sam squinted at the screen, he’d seen a few pictures of her from Maxine’s phone but…no it was her, it was Paula. It couldn’t be. That made no sense. Why would Paula be here?

Sam didn’t trust anything, and from the way Five was frantically looking around the area she didn’t either. This was too good to be true.

“Paula? Paula!” Maxine hissed, stepping up from her hiding place behind the church wall.

Paula turned, eyes widening. There was a moment she didn’t register what was happening, face processing all the different emotions she must be feeling. “Oh God. Oh God, Maxie! I – Maxie!” Paula rushed forward, grabbing at the gate.

Maxine yanking it back, shaking the hinges. “The gate’s locked.”

Dread set in his stomach, this wasn’t good, this really wasn’t good. “Five, my cameras aren’t giving me a clear shot of the area. Anything could be going on - run the perimeter of the church. Now, please, right now.”

Five ran off, pulling free her pistol, doing an efficient and fast scan whilst Maxine pressed against the gate, desperate to get at Paula.

“Oh, Maxie, you shouldn’t be here,” Paula said, leaning through the gate. Sam looked away as they kissed, desperate to give them some privacy. “Oh God, I missed you so much! Every single day.”

Five darted around to the back of the cemetery, camera pointed up at the tall walls, probably debating if she could make the climb. She started to back up for a run.

“We have to get out of here,” Maxine stepped back. “Can you climb over the gate? That’s – well, we go by designations. Runner Five is the one running the perimeter right now. We can catch you if you jump from the top unless Five finds another way in. Or maybe I can cut the chain here.” She knelt down, pulling off her pack and unzipping it.

“I can’t,” Paula started. “I don’t think – there’s a lot you don’t know.”

Bolt cutters appeared, Maxine already halfway to cutting through the chain. She’d planned this.

“Doc, you brought bolt cutters with you! You are devious,” Sam said.

Five stopped preparing for a run-up and started back around her perimeter run.

“I know everything.” Maxine ignored him, the camera constantly going back to Paula’s face, even when she was pulling free the chain. “They have plasmapheresis equipment at New Canton. We can keep you safe. I’ve been thinking it through since I saw your message.”

Paula frowned. “My… my message?”

That didn’t sit right.

“Wait, since you saw her message?” Sam asked.

“CB1 8QZ at the end of every message-” Maxine explained, voice half-wild“-our old postcode. I knew it was you.”

The headcam showed the back of Maxine, Five coming round the other side of the church.

“That’s it, Five, you’ve done a full circuit. I don’t see anything untoward, but you all need to keep moving,” Sam said.

 _Acknowledged._ Five tapped.

Paula took a step back. “But darling, I didn’t-,”

Frantic, Maxine ripped the chain free, tossing it to the side. Five picked it up and stuffed it in her pack.

She pulled the gate open. “Come on, come with us before it’s too late.”

Five spun, her camera whizzing right into the barrel of a gun.

Oh shit. 

Van Ark stood in a tailored suit, head cocked, white hair slicked back and styled, holding a pistol up to Five's face.

“I’m afraid it’s already too late,” Van Ark said.

Sam thought he heard Five growl. Her camera jolted as she took a step forward.

“Maxine, Runner Five, I think there’s a way out through the church catacombs,” Paula said quietly. From Maxine’s headset, he could see Five gearing up to rush Van Ark. “When I say run-,”

“A doctor and a runner,” Van Ark started.

“Five don’t,” Sam warned.

Maxine reached out and grabbed Five’s hand.

“Lure one, get one free.” He eyed Five, eyes dragging over her, it made Sam feel slightly sick. “What a wonderful bonus.”

“Run!”

Maxine yanked Five back before she could tackle him, dragging her through the gate and into the church. Sam nearly swore in relief when Five slammed the church door shut and followed Paula into the tombs beneath it.

They sped down a spiral staircase, Five taking the rear and Paula point, their steps echoing over through their mics. Sam was keeping half a mind on them but was also desperate to figure out what was going on above. How had he been so stupid, how did Van Ark sneak up on them, how did he know today was the day Maxine was going to seek out Paula. There were too many things Sam didn’t know and he was already developing a stress ulcer keeping his other half of mind on flicking through camera’s he didn’t preload before the mission because Maxine rushed out.

_Don’t panic, don’t panic, you can’t be useful if you panic._

Sam was on the brink of panic.

* * *

What she felt wasn’t anger. Anger was too simple a word. It was deeper than that, feral, older. Anger boiled up and left to dry in a blaring heat so thick she couldn’t breathe. Five wasn’t sure what she was, but she knew that today she would kill Van Ark.

Even if it killed her.

She didn’t know she could feel like this, this rage, this red haze of utter hate. But she had seen his face, his stupid smug-looking face. The face of the man who blew Archie’s to bits, and she didn’t want something more than to rip his skin off slowly with a piece of chicken wire and watch as he begged for mercy she would never give.

Five would kill Van Ark. Of that she was sure.

She slammed the door to the catacombs shut, bolting it closed and shoving Maxine to follow Paula deeper in.

“Guy’s what’s going on?”

Sam sounded scared, which was understandable, even if Five felt a weird detachment from the scared. She was almost jealous he could be scared, it was better than this seething hatred.

“The door’s bolted,” Maxine explained. “And I’d be surprised if he can find his way through here to follow us. This place is a warren.”

Paula seemed to know her way through, which meant if she was with Van Ark, he would also know his way through, they couldn’t trust they were safe.

“No time to lose, though. Keep running,” Paula said, reaching out and grabbing Maxine’s hand. “Oh, Maxie, there’s so much to tell you. So much to explain. I – oh, Maxie, I’ve done some things, I-,”

Maxine raised Paula’s hand to her mouth and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “There’ll be time, sweetheart! It’s been hard for everyone. We’ve all done things that-,” she laughed coldly. “I made a zombie-killing spray which turns out to kill children. Children… and that might still not be a reason not to use it.” Something crashed above them, dust falling from the ceiling. “What’s going on up there?”

Paula looked about ready to cry. “They’ll be looking for us. He’s not going to let us go without a fight.”

“Guys, I’ve got cameras aboveground,” Sam started. Impressive, he was working fast on those cameras given the rapid change in plans. “Patchy cover, but it’s - they’re definitely doing something up there. No zombs, but about twenty soldiers.”

 _Yay_.

Paula cast a nervous glance back at Five, giving her a half-hearted smile. “This place is one of his storage dumps. Equipment, supplies. He spreads stuff around so that he can’t be crippled by an attack on any single base. I was only supposed to be here this afternoon, just looking through the boxes for some equipment. It’s amazing that you found me.”

Sam swore. “He walked in alone. That’s how he was able to ambush you.” Sam was blaming himself, damn idiot, if it was anyone’s fault it was hers, Sara had told her so many times she didn’t watch her left as much as she should. And what did Van Ark do, come up behind her on the bloody left.

Stupid, stupid!

“But there are a couple of trucks arriving now,” Sam added.

_Even more yay._

“There’s no one following us,” Maxine said, not quite getting that once they were in the woods things were going to go sideways very fast if they didn’t come up with a plan. Five double-checked her ammo. “That’s the main thing. Paula, how did you even get those messages into Rofflenet transmissions?”

Paula slowed. “I – I didn’t do anything, darling!”

Of course she didn’t.

“It must have been Van Ark,” Sam said, sounding like he came to the conclusion a while ago. He better not be blaming himself. “A trap to lure you out, Doc. Which, you know, we _might_ have suspected if you’d told me why you wanted to come on this run.”

Wait…was Sam blaming Maxine?

Maxine looked about ready to cry. “But how did he know that I’d be coming today?”

There was a traitor at Abel.

The same asshole who gave away information about the mission that got Archie captured, most likely.

Paula slowed her pace, coming up to another waterlogged door. Five motioned for her to move out of the way so she could take point, she wasn’t going to risk the doctors by letting them go first. Pistol ready, Five nodded for Paula to open it.

The door creaked open.

Five stepped into the clearing.

Something sharp struck across the back of Five’s hand, blood spraying up her arm, she cried out, dropping the gun.

“No! They’ve spotted us! Run!”

A hand grabbed her bicep, yanking her forward. She was mildly annoyed she left her weapon, but she was too busy cradling a bloody hand to her chest to care too much.

Bullets trailed behind them, chipping up the forest floor.

“Five, Doc, listen to me,” Sam’s voice was shaky. “I’ve got enough cameras to keep you safe, but you’re going to have to split up. The more people together, the bigger target you make, and we need to confuse them.

Five agreed.

Sam sighed. “There are twenty soldiers, two armoured cars. Maxine, you’re heading straight for home. Turn left at the river and tell Paula to head towards the bridge you should be able to see on your right. New Canton are going to pick her up when she gets close enough."

Maxine started to split off, motioning for Paula to do the same. Paula let go of Five’s arm and followed.

“Five, I want you to keep going,” Sam said. “You’ll pass a couple of uh, small birdwatcher’s huts. Make as much noise as you can. Hopefully, a lot of those soldiers on foot will chase you.”

Five sped up, already seeing the huts through the heavy treeline. A year of training was the only reason she didn’t look behind her at the heavy footfalls of Van Arks men.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was low. “I really am, but doctors come first.”

It was true. Doctors always come first. But it still wasn’t an easy decision for Sam. He wanted to get everyone out, even Five.

 _Yes,_ Five tapped.

That didn’t make him feel better, he sighed, the chair creaking.

The men behind her yelled, some of them announcing tactics to try and flank her. Five dove around a bird hut, hoping to confuse the soldiers in the rabble of hut wood and tree wood.

Her hand was throbbing, blood dripping down her arm, warm and thick. She pressed her thumb to the wound, digging her nail into the inflamed skin.

_Focus. Be fast. Don’t fail._

“Keep running, Five. There’ll be some cover when you get past this line of trees that should keep you-,”

Maxine cried out from somewhere to Five’s left.

“Oh no, no,” Sam was pushing into full panic now. “One of the soldiers has got hold of Maxine. Five, I’m going to need you to head towards their position. Let me pipe the doc’s comms back through to you.”

Static. And then, _his_ voice.

The rage settled again.

“Ah, Maxine, so good to see you again. I do hope we can-,”

A knife sunk into flesh. It was too much to hope it was Van Ark flesh.

“Yes, go Doc! She stabbed that soldier in the side with a – looks like a-,”

Through the treeline, Five could see Maxine bolting away from a crowd of soldiers, _him_ at the centre.

“Kitchen knife,” Maxine panted. “Never leave home without it, or bolt cutters.”

“That’s my girl,” Sam said. Maxine veered a little, putting herself further from Five, luckily Five was very fast, closing the gap.

“Keep running. Van Ark’s right behind you, but he’s slower than you, so – oh! Five, there are two soldiers on your left.” Five barely saw them, not risking a look back, trusting Sam’s judgement. “They’re coming up on Van Ark from the right-hand side if you can just-“

“You can’t run forever, Maxine,” Van Ark sneered.

Five stopped breathing.

Maxine stopped running, Van Ark catching up. He kicked the back of her legs, knocking her down. His spindly hand grabbed her shoulder, lacing around the side of her neck. She blanched away from it.

“There’s only one way to keep someone loyal, that I’ve ever found. I’ve been planning this for you for quite a while, Doctor Myers,” his other hand searched in his pocket, pulling out a small syringe.”

Five broke into the clearing, rushing past the soldiers before they could see she was there.

Her hand wrapped around his neck under the chin, bending to pull the knife from her boot. She flipped it in the air to get a better grip, catching the hilt and plunged it straight into his jugular, ripping it across the heavy muscle and tearing at the oesophagus, wrenching the knife free with a strong kick to his chest.

She practically beheaded the asshole.

Before she could enjoy the death Five grabbed Maxine and dragged her free, need to keep her safe overriding the need to watch Van Ark suffer. She wasn’t going to have another Archie to satiate her blood lust.

She could hear Sam talking to her, but the adrenaline stopped her ability to hear beyond a heavy thrum in her ears. All she could think about was the death, the knife, the way it felt, the fact that it didn’t feel as good as she wanted it too, and why hadn’t that terrible hatred faded.

Maxine stopped dead in her tracks, causing Five to trip. She raised a shaky hand to point behind.

It took Five a while to realise what she was looking at. A well dressed, blood-soaked man laughing incessantly as he climbed to his feet. Her brain didn't want to reach that conclusion.

Van Ark wasn't dead. 

The wound on his neck started to seal, stretches of muscle and skin reaching across the gap of the wound, latching onto each other and tugging itself closed.

No.

“I’ll think you’ll find I’m a great deal harder to kill than that,” he lowered his hand from his bloody throat, staggering towards them.

“Oh no! No, no, no,” Sam started.

Maxine grabbed at Five’s arm. “Sam, are you seeing this? You have to – you have to warn Abel that-,”

Five checked her knife, definitely covered in blood. Definitely. She didn't miss. She was too good to miss.

“I’m seeing his wound heal up in front of our eyes,” Sam was panicking now. “Just run!”

It took a lot of effort to drag a shocked Maxine away from the clearing, forcing her into a dead sprint.

“Look, you have to split up again,” Sam said. “I’m sorry but Five, stay on the path. Doc, head west. I’ll keep you in radio contact with each other.”

Maxine gave Five a worried look but followed Sam’s orders, looking like she aged about ten years. “He should be dead!” She said. “Five got him across the jugular, slashed the trachea! He should have been-,”

“Dead-,” Sam finished. “He should have been dead. I saw it! His blood, like, ugh! And I don’t want to be graphic, but like, fountained off him onto that huge soldier with the eye patch just behind him, I mean, really! Just like, you know? You know, like that fountain at the end of Oceans Eleven, the one with all the-,”

Sam was rambling, he really was in a full-blown panic.

Maxine cut him off before he spiralled “It must have something to do with the treatments he’s been getting.”

Five took a moment to sheath her knife, clutching her bloody hand to her chest again. After seeing Van Arks throat open, her tiny cut across the back of her hand didn’t seem as big a deal.

She jumped over a small creek.

“This… this isn’t great news, is it?” Sam said, spiral averted, a tiny amount of control back in his voice. “Our enemy, who commands an army of zombies, is now also invincible?”

A long pause. “Where’s Paula?” Maxine asked.

“Paula’s, uh – yeah,” Sam hummed, “looks like she’s away safely. Heading over the bridge now. Doc, I can practically see you from the comms tower with my eyes.”

Thank god. The doctors were safe.

“And Five, you’re coming through the tree towards-,”

Gunfire.

It struck her back, right onto her shoulder blade, blood spraying out from her collar bone as she tipped forward onto her hands and knees. The pain was...not good. It was jolting and raw and wrong.

The overwhelming sensation that something was very not right.

Five dug her nails into the dirt.

She’d just been shot, properly properly shot. Not an arm wound, not a flesh wound. A bullet just shot her in the back.

Five pressed her hand to the exit wound on her left shoulder. There was a lot of blood already…shit, there was a lot of blood already. Damn if it hit an artery or-

Sam was yelling something, other voices drowning him out, Five wobbled, fighting the urge to tip to her side, too busy watching blood-soaked dress shoes step towards her, crushing a small bug on the forest floor into the mud.

She wanted to stand, but there was a lot of pain. Somewhere a car engine revved.

“Stop right there.” Five looked up, Van Ark pointing a pistol right at her head. He smirked. “Runner Five, is it? As you’ll see, you’re surrounded," he gestured wildly outwards indicating the crowd of soldiers approaching. Five memorised every face. "I think it’s best if you just stop.”

His stupid face. Stupid face with stupid smirk and stupid voice. The old hate built, a drumming rage, pounding hard inside her skull. People always described anger as hot, but right now it ran cold. The brutal efficiency of something frozen, brittle and sharp and ready to snap. 

Van Ark smiled, teeth white as bleach.

Five gave into the rage.

Knuckles cracked as they collided with Van Ark's jaw, knocking him back a few steps. She lunged at him, howling.

“Pin her down!”

Arms grabbed her, jerking her back, gripping her arms. She thrashed trying to throw them off.

“Pin the bitch down!”

They threw her onto her front, one hand pressed to the entry wound on her back. It hurt, dear god it hurt.

Her chin smacked into the dirt, another palm pushing hard on the back of her head. She kicked and screamed and thrashed.

Someone sat on her.

“Stop moving! Stop fucking moving!”

It was too similar, too like last time. Hands holding her down, forcing her to stay still, grabbing terrible hands.

Five kicked her legs.

“For the love of- just knock her out,” Van Ark sneered.

A rifle clicked, she looked up in time to see the butt of it’s handle come down, and Five didn’t know much after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took so long! I just moved back to uni so I've been really busy then I got !!WRITERS BLOCK!! woohoo. So to try and overcome it I'm just posting this chapter even tho i hate it. I actually wrote a whole 6000 word chapter on the raid of Abel but I hated it too so I skipped ahead to this mission instead.   
> Which is a shame, there was a peak 5am line in the raid on Abel  
> oh well... thanks for reading, can't promise when the next chapter will be out but I want to get this whole fic finished before uni starts in October so hopefully it's soon  
> Stay Safe Out There!


	31. Epic II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2 M32-33  
> CW - Cannon typical violence, torture, blood, Van Ark, people being sad, inaccurate medical knowledge   
> Have proofread but i am dumb of ass

It hurt.

It hurt to move her hand, the back of it burning as she tightened it into a ball.

It hurt in a way that she knew something was very wrong, but not so much that she could block it out.

It hurt, therefore, she could still feel pain, and that meant she could keep trying.

Waking up took a while, constantly on the edge of consciousness, cusping into reality, pushing into realness where she watched passing trees and heard the singing birds. The sun was low in the sky, far lower than she could remember it being, blue cast to amber, shadows stretching far over the jeep she lay in.

Five rolled onto her back, jolting sharp pain in her shoulder, she groaned, pressing her chin to her neck to try and get a look.

She’d been shot right, she didn’t make that up?

She should have bled out by now.

Heavy white bandages wrapped over her arm, her jacket had been pulled off, leaving her in just a tank top, one side more significantly crusty and red.

The bandage hadn’t fully stemmed the flow, the wound was still seeping, but…well…she wasn’t dead, so that was a bonus.

With the pain she was feeling, she wasn’t so sure it was though.

Okay, so bullet wound to the arm, another on the back of her hand, and – damn Five couldn’t recall what made her head hurt so much.

It had to have been bad. She’d had concussions, but this was a whole new level. Each time she moved her head thrummed, any jolt of the jeep sent the world spinning, trees above her warping and shifting, branches melting together.

It felt like the first time she got sloshed on cheap vodka at fourteen in a field. Except she didn’t have the fun of the vodka. Or the field.

So why was she in the jeep?

What? Did she get hurt on a run, were they taking her back to Abel?

She didn’t like not knowing, it made her scared, and she didn’t like being scared.

Five rolled onto her not-burning-in-pain shoulder, pulling her knees up to her chest and shifting again to get them under her. She was rather proud of getting into a kneeling position with her forehead pressed to the metal floor when the jeep came to a harsh stop and she cried out.

Someone climbed out of the front, and Five hoped that maybe, maybe, it was someone helping her.

Why didn’t someone help her?

The figure had chains around her wrists before her eyes adjusted to the face, spinning through her vision. The voice on the other hand, the voice made Five rage.

“Ah, you’re awake. Good,” Van Ark pulled the back of the jeep open and Five took a dive for it, throwing herself out the jeep, crying out when the chains on her wrists yanked her back and tossed her hard onto the forest floor.

She lay there gasping, unsure what to do, cursing herself for being so stupid.

And then she couldn’t breathe.

Van Ark stepped over her, pressing a boot to her throat, lightly pushing down that it made it hard to breathe, but not enough to kill. “Yes, I suppose you’re duty-bound to try to escape, aren’t you? Very boring.” He pushed his foot down harder, Five kicked her legs about. “Do let me know when you’ve given up trying.”

_Sam help me!_

Instinctually, Five raised a hand to her head, hoping to tap for him.

Van Ark smirked, he leaned over her to the back of the jeep and picked something up. Her headset. “Oh, you’re looking for this?” he snapped it in half and dropped it on her, pieces of plastic hitting her face. “That’s that. You can stop looking.”

Five gasped for air as Van Ark leaned forward, more weight pushed through his foot. “No more Sam.” She grabbed at his ankle, but the chains made it hard to move. “No more Abel.” He smiled. “Just me. And you, tied up to the back of my Jeep.”

Air rushed back into her lungs when Van Ark leaned back, chuckling to himself. Five spluttered and gasped, unaware of him attaching the other end of the chains to the jeep until he tightened them and forced her arms up.

“No Maxine, no Paula. No, they’re somewhere out there in the woods, which is a problem, but one I hope you can help me with.” Van Ark leaned down and grabbed her bad shoulder, sneering, digging his thumb into the wound to force her up onto her feet. “We’re going to go for a little drive, me in the Jeep, you – well, you’re a runner, aren’t you? That'll be fun!”

He left her behind the jeep, struggling to stay on her feet and still form a coherent reason behind her being here.

She barely had time to lean down and snatched up the remnants of her broken headset before the engine revved and Van Ark forced her into a run.

She didn’t think it could much worse than this.

But then again Five never was the best at predicting the future.

* * *

_Don’t trip, don’t trip, don’t trip._

Five had long since stopped trying to remember how she got herself in this situation and was focussed more on not letting the pain consume her.

_Don’t trip, don’t trip, don’t trip._

She had vague memories of finding a woman, was it Paula? Maxine had been so delighted with her it had to be Paula.

But Five felt like she would remember it more if it was.

To be fair, she felt like she would remember Van Ark more seeing how much she hated the man, but beyond a fuzzy memory of her knife in his throat, she couldn’t recall much else. It was Van Ark monologues that clued her into what actually happened, but even then she hated not really knowing if it was true.

_Don’t trip, don’t trip, don’t trip._

Five’s hands had gone numb, she only managed to hold onto the snapped pieces of her headset because they were so stiff. The blood from her wrists the chains had ripped up was making the holding so much harder.

But she needed it, she knew it didn’t work, Van Ark made sure of that, but it was something. A connection, the tiny semblance of hope she had left.

The dinosaur sticker, right on the earpiece, a shitty childish dinosaur sticker.

Sam had given her it.

At first, she wanted to believe they were coming for her, mostly out of spite to Van Ark she wanted to believe, but then he dragged her through bushes of thistles that tore up her legs and Five realised she wasn’t so sure.

Abel was full of good brilliant wonderful people. Of course, they would mount a rescue. A rescue for anyone but her.

She couldn’t blame them, not really, if it were her, she wouldn’t want to rescue Five either.

Because really, what was it that Five did that the others didn’t?

She wasn’t the fastest, that was Simon.

She wasn’t the best fighter, that was Sara.

She wasn’t a leader, or friendly, or stealthy, or smart, or anything of note. Without her, Abel would still function, probably better really, without her being a drain on resources and throwing a tantrum anytime something mildly upset her.

So, after Van Ark announced the third hour of running, and the night was almost fully set in, Five was pretty sure no one was coming, and she couldn’t even find it in herself to be upset.

They wouldn’t come for her, they would never come for her.

And that was the truth of the matter.

In the end, Five would always be left behind.

The truck slowed, Van Ark peeking out the window for another stupid speech. She’d lost track of how many, the contents of all blending into each other.

He looked tired, which was funny, torture must be tiring work.

“You are looking a bit the worse for wear. I suppose we can slow down for a little bit,” he did slow down, and Five had to bite her cheek to not give him the satisfaction of crying in relief.

Van Ark frowned at the lack of noise, throwing his hands up off the wheel and stopping the jeep all together. “Oh, this is tiresome! I really did hope they’d put a little more value on your life than this.” Five did hope that too. “I’d been led to believe that you and…” he trailed off, leaving Five wondering what he had been led to believe. “Ah, well. Never mind.”

He got out of the car and strutted towards her, taking slow deliberate steps. When he reached her, he began to pace around, like a lion assessing its prey.

“You and I, we’re survivors, Runner Five. Do you know, in the aftermath of the zombie outbreak, I was almost killed myself? Yes. It must be obvious to you that this whole thing wasn’t planned. Unintended consequence, I believe, of the interaction between my life-saving tissue regeneration treatment, and some other agent as yet unknown. Somebody out there knows more about it than I do, I can tell you. Something odd was going on in Hertston, that’s my view.”

Five felt like she should be trying to remember this, she was instead debating how much she could piss him off by spitting blood in his face.

She would if her mouth wasn’t so dry.

“In the early days of the outbreak, we were trying to treat the infected. I thought we might be able to neutralize the effects of our tissue-regeneration treatment, and well, good Lord. Everything we did to those early victims just seemed to madden them more, make them stronger and faster.” She didn’t have to spit on him, a well-placed kick between the legs would be fun, but getting her legs to move felt like dragging a boulder up the hill.

Sisyphus’ punishment.

What was she being punished for?

Five didn’t need to answer that.

“I barely escaped with my life after several of them broke free from restraints in my lab. It was then I decided that a cure was impossible, that the only hope for humanity was for me to continue my research, whatever the cost. Even my own well-being, Runner Five. Don’t think that what I’m about to do gives me any pleas-,”

“Professor Van Ark! Professor!”

Five blinked, she recognised that voice right, she’d heard it enough on the tapes Maxine would play herself to sleep with.

Van Ark spun, clasping his hands before him. “Paula! Oh, good Lord, Paula, I thought I might never see you again.” He gripped her shoulder, dragging her towards the front of the jeep.

Paula cast a worried glance back to Five. “I saw what you were doing with Runner Five.”

“And you came to the rescue,” Van Ark ushered her into the side of the jeep, pushing her in before she could move towards Five. “You always had a good heart, Doctor Cohen. Well, with your help, perhaps the tests on this runner won’t end in death. Come on, up into the Jeep. Back home.”

Wait, Van Ark said if…well…what does it matter what Van Ark said, it was foolish of Five to believe that he would let her go.

But she didn’t know how much she needed to believe that till the hope was crushed.

It hurt more than the wilts in her wrists from the chains rubbing her skin to the bone, more than the pain in her skull, the slices to her legs, the wound in her arm.

It hurt because Five actually now truly believed she wasn’t going to see Abel again.

She wasn’t going to see Sam again.

Paula spun to look at the window of the jeep at her, she bit her lip, shook her head and turned. “Yes. Home.”

“We really are like the Odd Couple of the post-apocalyptic world. Can’t live together, can’t live apart. Come on, Runner Five, just a little further,” Van Ark climbed into the driver’s seat. “You can do it.”

Five bowed her head.

_Don’t trip, don’t trip, don’t trip._

* * *

Maxine stumbled into the comm shack. “Sam I’m-,”

He shook his head and motioned for her to sit, he knew it wasn’t her fault, but he just didn’t want to talk about it right now, not as the signal was locking onto Maxine’s - now Fives – headset.

The camera fizzled on, followed by two taps to the mic.

“Oh, Five thank god you’re okay.”

He started to desperately find cameras locked into her area, but night had fallen, and most weren’t night vision. “You’re not in the clear yet, Van Ark and his men are going to send people after you and-,”

He paused. Five was already running, but he had gotten used to her way of running. This was not it.

Something was very very wrong.

Sam started to guide Five back to Abel, with help from Janine and Maxine. They had decided beforehand, as they prepared Paula for returning to Van Ark, to play it calm, to try and keep things neutral and not potentially upset Five even more. They didn’t know the extent of what Van Ark had done to Five, but they just knew it was bad. He may have taken a little far with the mentions of his darning skills, but really, he was trying his damn hardest to not have a panic attack right there in the comms shack.

He’d catch himself mid panic and fall into a stream of stupid ramblings and shitty monologues that was helping absolutely no one, so he’d force himself to focus on breathing and keep his mind on one task, getting Five home.

The panic did not want to go away.

Especially with how funny Five’s running was. It was jagged and wonky, and she’d stop more often than not to just stare at the sky.

After a while Janine turned off the mic and sighed, running a hand through her hair. It had been a long day, she’d been perched in the shack with him since the mission with Maxine went south this morning. It had now been over twelve hours since then. “I’m sending Simon out to meet her.” And with that she got up and walked out, door slamming shut behind her.

They should have sent Simon out sooner.

Maxine shifted awkwardly. “Sam, I-,”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sam interrupted. “Not right now.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think-,”

“No, you _didn’t_ think,” Sam said, making a conscious effort to keep his voice low, if he yelled, that might be the end of his hold on his panic. “You should have told us what you found, we would have been more prepared.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah…well sorry isn’t going to un-torture Five is it?” he mumbled.

He knew it was a little harsh, it wasn’t Maxine’s fault, but Sam had a lot of anger right now and didn’t know where to direct it. After a while of letting Maxine sit in his words, he sighed. “It’s not your fault, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Maxine visibly relaxed. “Still, I shouldn’t have tricked you,” she said. “You’re right, if we planned this mission it wouldn’t have ended like this.”

Sam nodded, seeing Simon’s headset beep to life on the scanner inside Abel’s walls.

Maxine stood, brushing herself off. “I’m going to set up medical, bring her to me when she’s home.” She squeezed his arm and left.

Sam nodded, staring at the blank door for a while.

He stilled another wave of panic, turning back to the scanners.

“Okay Five, It’s just you and me now, you’re still two miles out and you need to pick up the pace just a little, I’m sorry but those vials are important.”

Five stopped, fast enough to make the headcam jolt.

“Five are you-,”

“Why did you do it?” She asked, voice hoarse and low.

“Do what?”

“You could have had-,” her breathing was shaky. “Paula was more important than me, why did you, I thought we agreed doctors come first.”

Sam swallowed, he didn’t want to admit the selfish reason. “Paula could send you home with her notes.”

“Yes…but she also wrote those notes, she was far more valuable in Abel than I am.”

“Well you can’t bloody well turn around now and get her back!” he snapped.

Five grew silent.

“I’m sorry,” she said after a long time, voice so tiny she genuinely believed she’d done something wrong. “I’m sorry I just thought- I just thought you left me, and I made peace with that, I wouldn’t have blamed you and then you- and then you-,”

Sam broke, burying his face in his hands. “You’re…fuck Five you have nothing to be sorry for I didn’t…christ…it’s not your fault.”

“But you’re upset with me.”

“I’m upset for you,”

“Please don’t cry,” she said. “It’s okay.”

Of course, the fact that she had been tortured and she was the one comforting him made him cry more.

“It’s not even that bad,” she continued, the camera moving as she picked up the pace. “Duke of Edinburgh was way worse than this.”

Sam barked a laugh, wry and hollow. “God, shit, I forgot I did that.”

“Universal British kid trauma,” Five chuckled. “I got heatstroke, broke my toe and had like three panic attacks. You?”

“Fell down a hill and cut my lip on barbed wire,” he said.

“Okay you win,” she said. “I did wonder where you got that scar from.”

“Yeah, I’m afraid it’s not the cool backstory you were thinking of. I’m just a clumsy idiot,” he said. “Sorry to shatter your view of me.”

“I think you’re lovely,” she said. “Clumsiness and all.”

Her voice was soft, gentle, like the words were sacred. And they felt it, they hit him with a physical force.

_I think you’re lovely._

Sam cleared his throat. “Simon should be coming out to meet you soon, I can see him about to leave, give me a second.”

Sam quickly directed Simon out of Abel, making it as fast as possible so he could return to talking with Five.

“You okay there Sammy?” Simon asked as he darted out of the gates.

“Just want to get her home,” he said.

“Yeah,” Simon paused. “We will.”

Sam flicked back to the private channel with Five. “Right I’m back, did you miss me?”

“Always.”

“Well, treat for you, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re running straight towards Abel, where I happen to be.”

“Samuel, how dare you assume I do anything straight.”

Sam snorted. “Touché.”

Sam looked at the timer on the side. “I’m really sorry but you’re going to have to pick up the pace even more.”

Five did, breath getting more laboured. This was faster than her comfortable pace, so even on a good day, Five couldn’t hold it for more than ten minutes, let alone after being tortured for hours by a scientist with a god complex.

When Simon made it to Five, he fucking shot at her.

“Sorry Five, I thought, well fuck you look like a damn zombie.”

“Simon, what the hell are you doing?” Sam yelled.

“It’s okay, I always shoot wide.” Simon didn’t have a headcam on so even now he couldn’t see what happened to Five. “Jesus Five, your legs.”

The two dots ran next to each other. “Five wants to know how much longer we have on the timer?”

“Ten minutes,” Sam said.

“Fuck…right…uh, Five you give me the notes and I’ll get them to Maxine, that way you don’t have to sprint.”

Simon took the notes and left Five again, she stopped as soon as he was a little ways away, staring at nothing.

“Five are you okay?”

Five’s headcam dropped, she’d sat down. It was difficult to see in the dark, but she was looking at her legs. “Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

“Not really.”

Sam puzzled through what to say. “There’s no one chasing you anymore.”

“Yeah…yeah.” The camera shifted again and Five was looking at the sky, laying on her back, he could see the outline of her hand trace against the line of the milky way. “Just give me a minute.”

Sam leaned closer to the screen. “What do you need?”

“You know,” she chuckled. “I could really do with a hug right now.” She dropped her arm. “Or just like, the longest fucking nap, maybe a bath, with bubbles and chocolate.”

“I think we can arrange the hug and nap, but not until you get back to Abel,” he said.

“I know it’s just…I can’t feel my legs anymore.”

“What?”

“Or like anything, it’s all just a bit numb.”

The gates sounded as Simon came back in.

“Simon’s just arrived, we can send him out to-,”

“It’s fine…just…fuck, dammit,” she sat up. “I’m moving, no rest for the wicked and all that…also I think I sat on an anthill so that’s fun.”

“You’re doing great Five.”

“Save the compliments for when I’m actually standing,” she said. “Wait… there, compliment away, my body is ready.”

Sam choked up. _I love you_. He wanted to say, he wanted to say it so badly it hurt. _I love you because even despite this you’re trying to make me laugh. I love you because you’re still trying. I love you I love you I love you._

“What nothing, rude.”

“Come home.”

“That’s the general plan,” she took one step and hissed. “I’m gonna walk it if that’s okay, take in the scenery.”

“That’s fine,” he choked out. “Take as much time as you need.”

“So hospitable,” she started walking, her camera jolting with an obvious limp. “You know, this really does feel like Duke of Edinburgh, maybe they were onto something.”

“Maybe…or maybe they just liked to torture kids,” Sam said.

“Either way it definitely prepared me for today,” Five joked. “Torture and all.”

Sam didn’t laugh at that one.

“Too soon,” Five asked.

“Maybe just a little.”

“Hey if you think about it, this could be my hero origin story,” Five said.

“Or villain.”

“I’m too charming to be the villain.”

“I think by design most good villains are charming.”

She chuckled. “They are, aren’t they? Well shit, prepare this to be my villain origin story.”

“If you’re the villain then who am I?”

“My narrative foil.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah…there’s no way you could be the bad guy, you’re just too nice.”

“I’m not always nice. I can get angry.”

“Well, no…but you are always nice to me,”

“That’s because I like you.”

“Bad decision if you ask me.” She laughed again. “To be fair, when you get angry at people it’s kind of hot.”

Sam spluttered. “What?”

Five coughed. “Um…you know like…uh…you remember the part about today where I got hit in the head…really hard…multiple times I think?”

“What no when did that-”

“I think it removed my filter.”

Sam cooled another panic, she’d been hit in the head. Okay, so concussion, that was definitely a problem. He needed to keep her distracted, not let her focus on the pain. “I can’t believe you just called me hot, what the hell Five.”

“Sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?” she asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

“No, I just…wouldn’t describe myself as that,”

“Well I’ve already said it so I might as well own what I said,” she sighed. “Yes, you are hot when you get angry.”

“What about me being angry is _hot._ ”

“Okay, now you’re just fishing for compliments,”

“No…no I wanna know, for research purposes, also I might be wanting to abuse this lack of filter thing.”

Five didn’t say anything.

“Come on Five, a man deserve answers.”

“I don’t know…your voice gets kind of low and-,” she coughed again. “Fuck okay this is embarrassing, I think I’m gonna pass out now.”

“Don’t you dare, this is important information.”

“No Sam I’m not joking, I feel really bad,”

“What?”

“Like, really bad,” the camera tipped to a side and Five stumbled. “Woah okay, I’m okay, just, I need a moment to breathe.”

Sam looked at Five on the scanner, only one kilometre out.

“That’s it I’m coming out to meet you,” he said.

“What no, that’s not a good idea,” Five said, her words starting to sound a little slurred.

Sam grabbed a portable headset, “I don’t care, I’ll be with you in like…seven minutes.”

“Sam it’s okay I just…woah, shit,”

“Raise the gates,” Sam ordered, quickly pulling on the portable headset and darting out of the comm shack, sprinting towards Five.

“Sam you should go back I’m fine,” she said. “I can walk.”

“Just keep on the east road, I can already see your torchlight,” he said between pants.

She sighed. “Jesus christ, okay, I’m going to…I’m going to sit down for just a moment.”

“You’re going to be okay.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

He wasn’t a runner, Sam could sprint when needed but he wasn’t a runner. He’d never ran so fast in his life than right now.

When he finally made it to Five who was sat with her head between her knees and-

“Jesus Five!”

She startled, looking up at him. “Hey!”

Her entire right side of her face was covered in blood, her cheeks scraped and cut from twigs, both her arms had the same hundreds of tiny scrapes, but her forearms were also caked in blood from some very nasty wounds on both her wrists and on the back of her hand. She was missing her jacket, which in the cool autumn night meant she was probably freezing, her right shoulder bandaged and bloody, much of her shirt also stained.

Bruises in the shape of hands circled her arms, and even in the dark, he could see one forming on her throat. But the worst part had to be her legs, it was difficult to see, but it looked like she’d just taken a walk through thick red paint, he couldn’t even see the wounds under all the dry blood.

“Fuck, Five I-,”

“It looks worse than it is,” she said, voice shaky. “I’m okay, I promise.”

His headset crackled. “Mister Yao, I just heard tale that you just ran full sprint from Abel!” Janine piped in through his headset.

“One second.”

“Mister Yao this is-,”

Sam muted her.

“Oh, she’s going to be mad,” Five said, taking Sam’s outstretched hand, her other hand gripping something.

“I don’t care,” he growled.

Five laughed, pointing a bloody finger at his face. “That’s it, right there, that’s the thing you do that makes you hot.”

Sam was suddenly aware of it, and also aware of how dangerously she was listing to a side.

“Hey, here let me help,” he said, taking her arm, the fact she didn’t object screamed a lot about her state, he made sure to take her left arm, the right one too badly wrapped up to move.

He paused, the thing she was holding hanging over his shoulder. 

Her headset snapped in two, the pieces stained with blood. 

It hung loosely from her hand, and he couldn't help but feel something break when she tightened her grip over the dinosaur sticker. 

"Here I'll take that, put it in my pocket."

She let him.

He unmuted Janine and wrapped his arm around Five’s waist. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“Mister Yao, I do not appreciate being muted at a time like this.”

“Are the scanners clear?” he asked, trying to help Five take the weight of her feet so she could walk easier.

“Yes, they are.”

“Good.”

“We will be having words about this,” Janine said, the noise of the chair creaking as she sat into it.

“Of course, we will,” Sam said.

The walk was gruelling. Five very quickly got worse, she started being able to walk properly, then she needed him to take most of her weight, her feet dragging a bit, panting a little in exertion.

Her head dropped like the effort of holding it up was just a bit too much, eyes trained on her boots, face furrowed in the concentration needed to keep from tripping.

“We’re almost there Five, just a little more,” he said, rubbing his thumb over her hand, “-and then you can get that hug and nap you want.”

“Would it be rude to ask for a juice box too?” Five panted, foot slipping out a little.

Sam laughed. “I’m sure I can pull some favours.”

Five tripped a little.

“I got you, you’re okay, look there’s the gates, see,” Sam said, tightening his grip around her waist. “Just, like, a hundred more metres.”

How had she been so okay ten minutes before? How did she shut down so quickly?

But really, he should have noticed it, she’d said everything felt numb, she started to act weirdly.

Five mumbled something that was just a little too quiet for him to hear.

“What was that?”

She slumped, arm around his shoulder slipping from his grip, legs buckling, he went down with her, doing the best he could to keep her upright on her knees.

Five tipped into him head falling into his shoulder, arms loose at her sides. Sam leaned back, cupping her cheek.

“Five, come on, we’re almost there,” he pleaded, looking to the raised gates. “You can make it.”

Five was out cold, jaw slack, her entire weight against him as he cradled her.

“Okay, okay just let me, here, right I think I can,” Sam shifted her weight, putting one arm under her knees and another around her back.

“Sam, it’s okay Simon’s going out to help, just wait there,” Janine said.

Sam couldn’t move her, he was shaking too much, and his legs weren’t positioned right to stand, so he just pulled her closer. “You’re okay, Five, you’re okay.”

Why couldn’t he do it? Why couldn’t he make things okay? Why did he keep failing her?

“Hey buddy,” Simon said. When had he gotten there?

Sam instinctually pulled her closer.

“Sam, come on man, don’t be jealous,” Simon said, kneeling down. “Here let me.”

Simon picked her up like she weighed nothing, her head resting on his chest.

“Right, let's get her home.”

It really had only been a hundred metres, she couldn’t even make it that last hundred metres.

They rushed to the hospital, Sam holding the door open for Simon.

“Five if you,” Maxine started, voice in her jovial scolding until she looked up. “Oh shit. Here put her on the bed.”

Simon did so, depositing her on top of the sheets, Sam pressed in, making sure she was okay but was quickly pushed aside by Maxine.

“Sam the hovering won’t help,” she said. “Simon, could you go fill those buckets with warm water, the faucets in the other room.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Maxine grabbed the sides of Five’s face, gently tipping it side to side to look at the place something hit her. 

“Honestly, how does this girl have any brain cells left,” Maxine mumbled, pushing back Fives hair. “Five, can you hear me?” She asked.

No response.

She pulled back Five’s eyelids, revealing the whites beneath.

Efficiently, Maxine went about checking everything else, making verbal notes that forced Sam to take a seat to stop himself from fainting.

She peeled off the bandages on the right shoulder, biting her lip as she assessed the damage. A bullet wound to the right shoulder, it was violent and angry. Another wound to the back of the hand, Maxine aware of this one, it was tiny, but it added to her pain.

Maxine was about to examine the wounds on her wrists when Five stirred and tried to turn away.

“Jesus christ how is she still-,” Maxine leaned forward and patted the sides of her face gently. “Five, can you hear me?”

Five scrunched her face. 

Maxine didn’t seem put off, instead, she pulled Five’s shirt down a little and ran her knuckles hard over Five’s sternum. Five grimaced, groaning a little.

Maxine immediately went back to Five’s face, pulling back her eyelids. “Hey, there Five, do you think you could open your eyes fully for me.”

Five raised a hand and weakly pushed Maxine’s aside. “That hurts,” she mumbled.

Sam shot up out of his seat.

“That’s sort of the point,” Maxine said. “Good to see you with us.”

Five scowled.

“Okay, I’m going to ask you to sit up, please go slowly, take my arm, okay there you go,”

Five rested against the wall, letting her head fall back, closing her eyes.

Maxine reached up and pulled her head forward. “Don’t do that, I need you to stay awake please.”

“’m tired.” Five mumbled.

“I know,” Maxine turned to Sam. “Sit up there with her, keep her awake whilst I set up.”

Sam scooted onto the medical bed next to her, he hated that Five immediately dropped her head onto his shoulder and he was honour bound to not let her just sleep.

“Five, is that smart.”

“Your comfy.”

“That may be, but Maxine said no sleep.”

“You promised hugs and a nap.”

“I did, but not yet.”

“Pffft,” she sat up, but slipped her hand into his, he could feel it trembling.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said.

Five was silent for a very long time. “It doesn’t feel like it.”

Sam opened his mouth to reassure her, but Simon came in with the water.

“Five you’re awake!”

Five tried for a smile, but it came out as more of a grimace.

Simon just laughed. “Look, you got blood on my favourite shirt,” he said, pulling his neon tank taut to demonstrate.

Five grimaced. “Sorry,” she signed.

He shrugged, “It’s fine, it’s not every day I get to carry the great runner Five like a damsel in distress.”

The joke didn’t land because Five’s face grew hard. She tried for another smile, this one pinched and fake.

Simon didn’t seem to notice or elected to ignore it, because he bowed. “Well my lady, this is where I bid adieu, runner’s games and all, can’t miss them unless the good doctor needs me around…”

“No offence Simon but I think you’ll make Five feel worse,” Maxine joked, heading into the next room to get supplies.

“Ouch okay rude, guess I’ll leave then.”

Five waited until he left to let the fake smile drop.

“I’m not a damsel in distress,” she grumbled.

“Far from it,” Sam said, reaching over with his free hand and rubbed her thigh. “He’s just being a twat.”

Five smiled genuinely at that.

Maxine walked back in with her equipment.

“First, let’s check out that bullet wound,” Maxine said. “Sam brace her up like- yeah like that, look I know it’s uncomfortable Five, but the faster we do this the faster you can sleep.”

Five didn’t need to worry about staying awake, the pain kept her pretty lucid from henceforth, but lucid and coherent were two different things.

Cleaning out the bullet wound had Five digging her hands into the bed, gritting her teeth and scrunching her face. He had to keep a strong grip around her waist because she would otherwise slump to the side and that made it harder for Maxine.

About halfway through Sam had the dumb and wildly unhelpful thought that she wasn’t laughing.

Five usually laughed when she was hurt.

This was clearly too much.

Time passed slowly, no one saying much beyond Maxine making verbal notes and Sam offering reassurance.

It was during stitching that Janine stumbled in, looking a little out of place and haggard.

She stared at Five for a long while, coughed and put her hands behind her back.

“The samples?”

Maxine didn’t look up from the work. “You can tell the Major they are safely stored in the lab.” She didn’t hide the upset in her voice.

Janine squinted, staring at Five for a while, Five was too busy trying not to squirm to notice.

“Evan wanted to know if you needed any help in here,” Janine asked.

“I think I should be okay, I’ll shout if I need more.”

Janine looked around, expression bleary. “Is there anything you need?”

Maxine finished stitching the exit wound. “Sign off on some painkillers.”

Five looked up at that.

Janine frowned. “Of course I…you mean-,”

“Yes, I mean the stashed stuff,” Maxine shifted, motioning to have Five lean forward so she could get at the entry wound. “If you would be so kind.”

Janine nodded and left.

“The stashed stuff?” Five grinned. “Am I gonna get high.”

“You’re going to sleep,” Maxine said.

“You said I couldn’t,” Five teased.

“Not until I say so.”

“Yes sir.”

Janine came back with a vial of something Sam had never seen, leaving it on the side before hovering, taking in all the injuries.

“I’ll…I’ll take you off the roster, Five.”

Five gave her a wry smile and Janine scurried out again. 

She meant well, Janine just didn't know how to articulate it.

Once the stitching was done, and Five’s arm was bandaged the adrenaline from the pain was clearly the only thing keeping her awake, she shook something awful.

Now onto the legs.

Getting the boots off was the easy part, despite how blistered and bruised her feet were. But that was normal runner injuries, the legs were the worst. It took three bowls of water for Maxine to clean off the blood and grime, and then she had to disinfect and Sam’s hard was aching from how tightly Five held it.

With the blood gone he could see what happened. Her shins and calves were covered in at least fifty cuts. Some were small slices that barely drew blood, but others were thick and open and still bleeding now after Maxine had cleaned them. Many overlapped, hatched and crossed, Five’s legs looked like she’d been ripped at my some very angry cats.

When they asked what had happened. She finger spelt one word. “Thistles.”

Who knew thistles could do this much damage?

Next was Fives wrists, Five didn’t like having to take her hand out of Sam’s but she relaxed a little when he put his arm around her waist.

Maxine was very gentle cleaning the wrists, but even then, the wounds reopened. These were thicker than the ones on her legs but not as deep, the skin ripped away by the tugging of a chain.

Maxine cleaned her left arm, the blood trailing mostly up to her elbow, and froze. On the inside of Five's arm, a short thick scar. Maxine turned her arm over to show a similar wound on the other side. Five had been stabbed in the arm. 

Maxine and Sam shared a look. Neither of them aware of this. 

Five was too busy fighting off the pain to realise they had noticed.

A silent exchange, this would be a conversation when Five was better.

Sam rested his head on her shoulder at this point, pulling her in tighter.

Five was trembling so bad he could hear her teeth chattering by the time Maxine got to disinfecting and wrapping up the wounds on her wrists.

After all that, cleaning up a head injury was barely anything.

None of them spoke the entire time, just a silence. Where they all knew that there was nothing really to say.

When Five was finally cleaned up, Maxine stepped back looking like she’d aged ten years, bowls of bloody water on her tray. “Well…I think that’s everything.”

Five stared down at her bandaged wrists.

“I know this is a lot, but I want you to know Five, I didn’t mean for this to happen, I just-”

Five reached out and grabbed Maxine’s hand. Maxine bowed her head.

“I um…painkillers,” Maxine mumbled, turning around to the vial Janine brought.

Five thought for a moment then nodded.

“Okay let me go get a syringe then.”

She wandered into the other room, leaving them both sat on the bed, shocked and stunned.

Five rested her head against his. “This is going to sound really pathetic,” she started. “But…I don’t want to be alone tonight and-,”

“Five, it’s okay, I was going to ask if I could stay.”

Five made a noise but didn’t say anything else. It wasn’t until Maxine came back in that he realised she’d passed out.

Maxine frowned. “Fuck.”

Sam shifted, manoeuvring a slumped Five to avoid her injuries, which was sort of difficult seeing how everything was injured. “Oh god is she okay is-,”

“It’s fine, Sam it’s fine, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner,” Maxine said, checking Five’s vitals.

“What, that she just fucking passes out,” Sam was panicking again.

“Sam, it’s okay, I promise,” Maxine said. “Here help me lay her down then I want you to get some air.”

“I’m not leaving,” he argued, shifting to get Five on her back. She didn’t react to anything now.

“Not permanently, but just…just a break, for a moment,” Maxine said. “Please.”

Sam swallowed another wave of panic. “Okay…okay, sure, but, I’ll be back I’ll-,”

“Yes, I know, now get some damn air.”

Sam stood, staring at Five’s unmoving form. God, she could have died, she nearly did. Jesus christ this was not what he wanted when he sent her on the mission this morning, it was supposed to be a chance to talk.

He should have listened to everyone, he should have ignored the codes.

“Sam, go.”

Sam forced himself outside into the midnight air, staring up at the stars. He shoved his hands into his pockets, remembering he had put her broken headset in there. Sam ran his thumb over the sticker. 

He could have lost her today, before telling her how he felt.

He wasn't going to let that happen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I sort of skipped the Athena mission because I don't like it. Like I love greek mythology but it's obviously two different writers worked on each mission because damn there is such a disconnect between the two.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the hurt, there will be comfort soon i promise!  
> Stay Safe out there  
> Thanks for reading!


	32. Say that you'll hold me forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warnings: Cannon typical Violence  
> No spoilers more than the last chapter  
> Proofread but I can't read so sorry if there are typos!

Grubby hands pinned Five down, two on each arm. She fought back, thrashing around. Five managed to shift and kick on pair of arms hard enough to crack them. She was being sat on, flipped on her front head pinned to the floor, chin digging hard into the stone.

A foot rested on the back of her neck, and the chains on her wrists yanked her up.

Van Ark gripped Archie’s red hair, pressing the blade to her throat. “You shut up, you shut up and be quiet or I’ll cut her throat.”

The words tumbled out without Five having to think.

“Fuck you!” Five spat.

He shook his head, pulling on the chains in his hands, dragging Five across the warehouse towards him. Five stumbled to her feet barely able to get herself walking.

Wading through bodies upon bodies upon hand and hands and feet and fingers and faces and eyes and hands and-

“Five, Five it’s okay wake up.”

Five begged for them to stop, which was weird, Five didn’t remember begging, not that she remembers much. At least not from her, she didn’t beg. She had made them beg, some of them, towards the end.

So why was she begging now?

“Five please wake up you’re scaring me.”

“What’s going on?”

“I can’t wake her, her fevers- she’s feeling warm.”

There was a lot of bodies, but she didn’t care, so would make more if she needed, she’d pile them high if necessary. How dare they live when others didn’t, how dare they.

It wasn’t fair.

Some people don’t deserve to live.

Some people don't deserve easy deaths.

“Five!”

Fives eyes shot open, the screaming in the back of her head stopping abruptly, she was being hugged, no correction, she was hugging them, gripping their shoulders, the someone stroking her hair, they smelled like comfort.

Another person knelt in the room by her bed and she saw figures wandering around, blocking out the bright light streaming through the window.

A shift of curtains and the light dimmed dramatically.

She heard people talking to her, or about her, she did not know, she wasn’t sure she really wanted to know, registering sound wasn’t a priority for her right now.

Right now, all she wanted to do was to cry into the shoulder of the person who smelt like comfort.

“Shhh, you’re okay Five.”

Five buried her face in his neck, curling tighter into him.

“You should have got me when the fever started to raise,” Maxine said from the door. “I told you to get me.”

“It rose pretty damn fast Doc,” Sara said.

Maxine tutted. “I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

Sara was here, Five really should try and be more put together for her, Sara would not approve, she’d be ashamed, Five was ashamed. Why couldn’t she be more composed? Fuck, it was warm. Too fucking warm and-

Sam shifted, and despite her better judgement, Five panicked and gripped him tighter.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, my legs just gone dead, one sec.”

Five didn’t let go, pulling him closer when he settled again.

Sara sat on the bed next to them and rested a hand on Five’s back in a surprisingly maternal way, rubbing small circles whilst Maxine moved about so frantically it made Five’s head spin.

She didn’t know what was going on, she couldn’t recall how she got here or why everything hurts, or why she was crying or why the world felt a little bit on fire.

All she knew was she was scared and the only thing helping was Sam shushing her.

That was a constant.

Focus on his breathing.

“I’m sorry,” Five mumbled. “I didn’t mean.”

Sam kissed her cheek. “Please don’t be sorry, it’s okay.”

Something sharp pricked her arm, but compared to the pain of…everything, it was hardly anything.

She was starting to get very tired though, a heavy clogged feeling in the front of her skull, the kind of tired accompanied with overnight shifts and early morning runs.

Her grip on Sam shirt grew lax, but despite her body desperate to take her down she fought with every ounce of her being to hold on.

Just this connection, she needed this connection, she needed him.

* * *

Five slumped, head propped in the crook of his neck arms limp at her sides.

“That was fast,” Sara said, nodding at the needle Maxine pulled from Five’s arm. “The good stuff?”

Maxine put the needle down and helped Sam manoeuvre Five onto her good side – the one not shot through – and hummed. “She’s weak, I think ibuprofen would have knocked the poor girl out.”

Sam was half tempted to lay down and pull Five to him, but he just settled back into the stool he’d been perched on all night and took Five’s hand in his again.

She wasn’t looking good.

Even drugged and unconscious her features were pained.

“Is there not much more you can give her?” Sam asked.

Maxine shook her head. “No sorry.”

Sara picked at the hem of Five’s shirt, and for a moment Sam thought she was going to say something nice.

“Needs a wash, damn girl.”

Of course not.

He tightened his grip on her hand, careful of the wounds around the wrist.

They all stayed in silence for a while, Sam slowly nursing an anger at Sara’s presence. Why was she here? She always put Five in dangerous situations, what right did she have to be worried?

Sam ran his hand over the scar on the line of Five’s forearm, the mysterious stab wound.

If Sara noticed she didn’t react, which could either mean she knew, or she didn’t care.

Sam wasn’t sure which option was better.

He needed to calm down, Sara was here by choice just like him, sure they disagreed on a lot of things, but they were both here. That was something.

Five stirred and curled in tighter, skin pale but feverish.

“Sam I think you should go,” Sara said.

And the anger was back. “Excuse me!”

“It’s been a whole day since the mission and you still haven’t slept, I think-,”

“No no no no, I am not…no that is…what if she wakes up again, what if-,”

“I’ll be here,” Sara said.

Sam snorted.

There was a note of frustration on Sara’s face. “And Maxine is here too.”

Sam looked to Maxine cleaning up some supplies, hoping for help.

She left him hanging.

“I don’t want to leave,” Sam said again.

Sara raised a brow. “Just a few hours, get some kip, maybe a shower.”

“Maxine,” Sam asked. 

Maxine gave him a sympathetic look. “She’s right, you really should rest, even just for a few hours.” Her eyes flicked to his hand on Five’s. “I promise I’ll get you if she wakes.”

“But-,”

“No Sam, Sara’s right, you should go.”

By bringing attention to his lack of sleep, the tiredness hit him hard in the face. Sam slumped. He could sleep here, sure his back might hate him, but he could ask.

He opened his mouth to do so, but the looks on their faces were enough of a tell that they already disagreed.

“Fine, but only for a few hours.”

Maxine visibly relaxed. “Great, and try and eat something too, or I’ll be force-feeding you soon.”

“No thanks, I’ll…I’ll have some toast or something.”

He hesitated, checking, then double-checking, then triple-checking that Five wasn’t going to wake up again. When she didn’t move the fourth time he checked he gave her hand one final squeeze and stood, back cracking a little.

Maxine patted his shoulder as he left, Sara taking his seat and staring at Five’s face for a few pointed seconds.

“She’ll be okay,” Maxine said. “She’s home now.”

Sam felt honour bound to agree, ever the optimist he was, always looking for the bright side of things. After seeing Five scream her throat raw and grip him so tightly he thought he might break, he wasn’t so sure anymore.

How do you come back from torture?

He wasn’t really present for the walk back to his room, he saw a few people give him odd glances, and Simon even tried for a conversation that lasted all of three seconds with Sam making non-committal noises and Simon plastering on the chipper attitude.

He wandered past Five’s room, still propped open from yesterday morning, book on the bed opened to the page she left it on. Sam wandered in and grabbed the water bottle she kept under her bed, watering the plants she’s decorated the room with, before leaving and waddling back to his room.

He pulled the door closed, wishing he could lock it and the world out, wondering if he could justify returning back to the hospital just to be sure she really was okay. He kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the bed, expecting to be awake for hours agonising over everything he’d seen the day.

He was out before he fully realized he was cradling Five’s teddy to his chest.

* * *

He batted at the arm shaking him.

“What?”

“Maxine asked me to get you,” Jody said. “Damn Sam, brush your teeth.”

Sam nodded dully, not in the mood for her teasing, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he sat up. Jody picked up on it and took a step back, giving him space to fully sit up. From the light behind his curtains, he’d been asleep for way longer than a few hours.

“What ti-,”

“It’s just gone seven,” Jody said. “You’ve been out, for like, nine and a bit hours.”

Sam yawned, he could make it another nine pretty easily.

“Is Five-,”

Jody stiffened. “She’s okay, been and seen her, not great but she’s…well she’s trying.”

“No one came to-," he took a breath. "I asked for someone to get me when she woke up.”

Jody nodded. “Yes, Evan did try, but you were sleeping like the dead, he just said it’d be best to leave it a little longer, Maxine just…well I think Five was asking after you so...?”

Sam shot up, wobbling a little, causing a very tiny Jody to try and steady him despite how much he towered over her.

“Woah, Woah, when was the last time you ate?” She asked. “Because you just went a lovely shade a green.”

Sam swallowed. “I’m fine, I just-,” to prove a point, his stomach grumbled. “Just a little hungry.”

“Okay, you head to the hospital, I’ll grab you some food, how about that, eh?”

Sam smiled. “Uhh…yeah, that- thank you.”

She gave him a soft smile. “It’s nothing…” she pointedly sniffed. “Maybe brush your teeth though, it really is a tad rancid.”

Sam did just that, feeling a little guilty at the time it took him to freshen up and change his clothes, it did give him the idea however to take Five some new clothes, but found her drawers had already been raided with a lovely note from Simon stating _sorry about the mess Five, but I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to look through your stuff and I sort of forgot how you had things arranged, don’t worry I’ll clean it, you’ll just have to talk me through it xoxo._

The sun was setting on the walk to the hospital, the same time Van Ark had severed the connection to the headset. 

God, he'd been so frightened. The camera had kept streaming the entire time until then, he couldn't see anything, but he heard what they said, what his men said about Five. 

It was getting really hard to school his anger.

 _Deep breaths, Sam, in through five and out through eight._

He was surprised to find Five sitting up and trying to eat when he got to the hospital, looking mildly amused at the pile of dirty bandages on a table Maxine was cleaning away, the bandages on her considerably cleaner.

“Sammy, you’re looking better,” Maxine said, smiling gently. “Still haven’t brushed your hair though.”

Sam flattened his hair, closing the door and standing awkwardly.

Maxine tutted. “Sit down for heaven's sake before you keel over man.”

Sam sat down, earning a snort from Five.

“Oh, so it’s like that is it?” Sam said. “Run myself ragged with worry and you snort at my pain.”

Five shrugged.

“Wow, cruel, absolutely cruel,” he said. “Why do I even put up with this abuse?”

Five smiled and went back to trying to eat her food, which was considerably difficult with the number of bandages on her, but he rather expected that if he offered to help he would be getting a plate in the face.

He wasn't so sure what to say, he wanted to ask questions, but with Maxine in the room, she wasn't exactly able to respond. So they sat in comfortable silence for a while. Jody came by with his own food that he had to force himself to work through, it was only halfway through his meal that he realised Five hadn’t actually touched her own and was just making a very good show of it, to the point that when she set it down, Maxine took the bowl away with a smile and settled at the desk to do some notes, not realising that it was likely Five hadn't had more than three mouthfuls.

After some time in silence, Sam did start to get a little antsy, he didn't like the silence, never did, it hung, letting bad things echo amongst it.

"Soooooooooooooo," he said, breaking the peace, making Five look up from her thousand-yard stare. "What's been going on?"

Five raised a brow at him. 

He shrugged awkwardly.

Maxine filled him in on the events of the day. Simon had gone out on a supply run where he dropped off the scanners for thirty minutes and gave everyone a scare. The new runner Owen was so hungover from the runner’s games last night that he threw up on Janine’s boots this morning and hadn’t been seen since.

Bets were on that he was dead in a ditch.

Evan tried to organise a run to check in on Jamie, but when Jody got near, Jamie had some very choice words yell at her. And from what Sam could gather, Sara had only just left the hospital spending most of the day helping Maxine. He wasn’t happy that she got to be here, and he was asleep.

All in all, nothing out of the ordinary end of the world shenanigans. Except that Five was half dead.

It was nine by the time Maxine’s timer went off and she had to rush out to check something in the lab next door. He wasn’t sure how he felt about her throwing herself even more into her work after finding Paula. He made a mental note to force her to take a break when Five wasn't so bad. If she was exhausted, it was likely she wasn’t going to make a working formula, even with Paula’s new notes.

Five watched the door close, scrunching her nose and shivering.

“You cold?” Sam asked.

“Fucking freezing,” she croaked. Sam couldn't articulate how much hearing her speak meant to him. “Simon brought me like…the thinnest shirt,” she said, picking at it.

“Yeah, he sort of left your room in a state.”

She shrugged. “Gives me an excuse to murder him for the damsel thing,” Five smiled, but it didn’t really reach her eyes, it was a hollow thing, one learned, not real.

Sam broke. “You can wear my hoodie if you like?”

Five smirked, cocking her head. “The one you can’t darn?" she teased. "Damn Sam I would have thought you had bigger priorities."

“Jody usually does it for me, but…I needed – I just needed a distraction,” he admitted, half laughing.

Five blushed and lowered her head.

“What?”

“I’m the one that’s been sewing your hoodie.” She admitted. “Since like, October.”

“What?”

“Yeah…I can sew it now if-,”

Sam was compelled to hug her, the bandages and shaking stopped him. “God you are too good, why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well…You seemed embarrassed and Jody got chocolate so it was a win-win.”

“Did you not want chocolate?”

She sniffed. “It’s fine.”

Clearly.

Sam pulled off his hoodie, handing it to her. “There you are.”

It seemed to make her stumble, she held it close to her for a moment, staring at it. “It smells like you,” she said quietly expression a little distant. 

He chuckled. “I should hope it does.”

“It’s nice.”

_It's nice._

_I think you're lovely._

Sam paused. Could she?

No…she just sees you as a friend.

And anyway, Five was suffering, now was not the time to be over analysing everything she does.

He settled back down in his seat, realising she was still holding it to her chest, not yet making an attempt to put it on.

“What’s up?”

“My arm it’s…” she nodded at the place she got shot.

Sam smiled, getting up again and helping her get the hoodie over her head without her having to raise her bad arm. She winced a few times but nothing more, which meant whatever it was hurt like a bitch.

He stood and gripped his hands together before him, wanted to hold her but scared to hurt her.

Five made another noise he couldn’t place, eyes flicking between the blanket and him. She picked at the edge of the bandages on her wrist.

“You okay there Five?”

Five stared at him. She opened her mouth to speak, closed it again and frowned, getting a little paler. He knelt, their faces at a similar height.

“You okay?” He asked.

In response Five slumped forward, wrapping her arms under his, letting her head fall into the crook of his neck.

Sam hugged her back in silence, pressing his hand to the nape of her neck and base of her spine, pulling her tighter.

Five buried her face deeper, arms squeezing him with what little energy she had left, her whole body trembling.

“Hey it’s okay,” Sam said. “You’re okay, you’re safe in Abel and you’re okay.”

Five shook her head, turning so her breath was hot on his neck.

“Don’t leave me,” she whispered.

“I won’t I promise, I’ll be right here,”

Five made a noise that sounded a little like a sob. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Can…can you stay, overnight?”

“Huh, where will I?- oh, wait, what?”

Because Five couldn’t say it, she couldn’t voice it, and for some reason neither could her, she tipped backwards, almost childishly pulling him with her.

He sort of landed awkwardly on top of her, trying to avoid her wounds, Sams legs half off the bed, both of them laughing a little.

“You’re not gonna let me go are you?”

He felt her shake her head on his shoulder.

“Okay then, budge over.”

Five did just that, giving him space to climb under the covers with her.

He pulled the blanket up over them and felt something else in him break as Five cuddled up to his chest, pressing her head to his sternum.

“Damn you are just too adorable.” He said as he stroked her hair. “It’s not fair, no one should be allowed to be this adorable.”

Five was frozen against him, too still to be asleep despite her obvious exhaustion.

“You okay there?” He asked.

A shaky breath. “I keep thinking about the helicopter crash,” she said.

Sam shifted, that was not what he expected. “What?”

“It was a year ago today.”

A whole year.

“Was it?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I could have died.”

“Does it bother you, thinking about it?” Sam asked.

Five nodded. “There’s a lot of things I’m scared of now…I don’t think I’m going to look at the back of a jeep the same,” she said, trying to breathe a laugh but it just came out cold. “It’s funny, the entire time I was dragged behind that jeep, I just kept thinking, hey, you could have died a year ago today, at least you’re alive. But then…it got to the point where it hurt nearly too much, and I started to think, if I died a year ago, then…then I wouldn’t have to suffer now.”

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Sam said. She started shaking again and he rubbed his hand on her back. “Every day I’m glad for it.”

Five hummed, softening a little. “That helps,” she shook her head. “This is so stupid.”

“What is?”

“I…I shouldn’t be this frightened,” she admitted.

“Are you scared?”

“I’m fucking terrified,” she gripped his shirt tighter. “I’m so scared, Sam.”

“It’s okay, you’re allowed to be scared.”

“It’s just that…oh god I-,” Five started to cry. “I’m sorry, I-,”

“Hey it’s okay, you’re okay.”

“Could you talk?” She asked between sniffles.

“Sure…about what,”

“Anything, please just, I can’t bear the silence,”

So Sam talked, he described the plot of the book he was currently reading, some basic Fantasy novel written by some white guy who seemed to think a strong woman was just a woman who could throw a punch. He brought up what happened on Radio Cabel recently, his theory on where the DnD campaign was going. He talked all the while he stroked down and played with her hair, keeping her held tightly to him.

After some time, Five drifted off, and he must have too because when he next woke, they were tangled together a little more than they had been.

He heard someone milling about in the dark hospital room, but was just too sleepy to care about it.

Sam lay on his back, one hand still in her hair and the other wrapped around her as she curled up against his side. His shirt had ridden up in the night so Five was pressed to his skin, one hand laying on his chest, fingers splayed, their legs tangled together.

Sam took a moment to enjoy this. He had thought that sharing a bed with Five would have made sleeping impossible, especially with how she lined up with him so perfectly.

But it just felt right, comfortable, for him to be held and her to hold him.

It felt utterly right.

Sam laced his fingers through her hair, he paused. She was warm.

Sam pressed his hand to her cheek. She was really warm if anything, Five was downright feverish again, not as bad as the morning, but it was rising.

Sam decided, for now, to let it be, she wasn’t worryingly warm, and the idea of having to untangle her from him when this was the most sleep she’s probably had in a while seemed a little cruel.

He pulled her tighter and hoped it would pass by morning.

Everything was better in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I posted another chapter, whoop whoop!  
> I've been really excited about this chapter for a while, mostly because of the shameless comfort tropes I have in there!  
> What's better than beating the shit out of Five. Beating the shit out of Five so Sam can worry  
> Anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed!  
> Thanks so much for reading   
> Stay Safe Out There!


	33. Why we build the wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers - no more than last chapter  
> Content warnings - self hate and thoughts of death

Five was still dead asleep when Maxine shook him awake.

“Wake up sleepyhead,” she said, voice low and husky. “I gotta change her bandages.”

Sam hummed, turning away from the noise and pulling Five tighter, pressing his face into her hair, he was too tired to care about waking up.

“Oh no you don’t,” something sharp pinched his ear. “Up and at 'em, Sammy.”

“Five more minutes.”

“You’ve been asleep for eight hours you don’t need anymore,” Maxine scolded, pinching his ear harder and pulling him back.

Sam relented and sat up, swinging his legs off the bed and rubbing the sore part of his ear. “You’re a bad person,” Sam grumbled.

“Uh huh,” Maxine was already pulling over a tray of equipment. “You keep saying that when I’m the only reason you got to spend eight hours cuddling.”

“Not enough,” he mumbled.

“You’re grumpy in the morning when you- whatever, you’re grumpy.”

Sam was _too_ grumpy to respond, instead eyeing up all the equipment she was sorting through on the tray. “She was warm last night.”

“Yeah, I gave her something for it a few hours ago,” Maxine said nodding at the rolled-up sleeve on Five’s arm. “Here help me sit her up, she’s out like the damn dead.”

Half asleep himself, Sam helped Maxine go about changing Five’s bandages, propping her up against his chest. From the noises and mental notes Maxine made, the legs and bullet wound were healing rather nicely, the verdict on the wrist damage was less positive.

The skin around the damage was red, the wounds seeping, Maxine mentioned something about rusty chains and shuffled out to grab some more gear from the lab, huddling it back in and prepping it.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked, shifting to get a more stable hold of Five.

“Wounds infected, it’s what’s causing the fever,” she said, she cupped Five’s face, using her thumb to pull back her eyelid. “Yeah, she is _out_.”

“Is that a bad thing or a good thing?”

No response.

“Maxine?”

She took Five’s wrist and started to smooth an ointment over the wound.

“Maxine will she be okay?”

“Of course she will be,” Maxine said.

Sam frowned, Maxine used her doctor voice, she rarely uses her doctor voice on him.

“Maxine?”

“Look Sammy, infections used to be treatable, now it’s a little more complicated.”

“What is it, medicine we need? I can organise a run to a hosp-,”

“No no, no we have everything we need, for now, maybe if the fever doesn't drop in a few hours then - yeah, it’s just well, a shack can only be so sterile,” Maxine sighed. “She’ll be fine, trust me, she’s just gonna be ill for a few days but she’ll be fine.”

Sam didn’t like how little he believed her.

* * *

Five did not like how waking up felt so…iffy. Especially not that Sam had left to do something in the comms shack. Sleep was comfortable. Waking up just made her feel like she was going to throw up and left her hovering in the grim feeling of on the cusp of passing out but never actually getting the sweet return to sleep.

She was aware of people talking around her, and really, she was half tempted to yell at them to shut up, they were part of the reason she was awake. This wasn’t the first time someone coming in to see Maxine woke her up. When Evan came in with Bonnie, the dog’s paws padding at the floor had set her teeth on edge and Five spent the next two hours brooding with the blanket over her head.

Many people kept coming to check on her, Jody came by with some flowers, Simon brought some chocolate, Jack and Eugene hovered by the door for half an hour, even Janine popped by, and thankfully, they all believed her fake sleeping and didn’t bother her.

It wasn’t that Five didn’t appreciate them coming by, but she just didn’t want to have to navigate through their pity.

_Poor Five, got tortured by Van Ark. What a weak mistake, I feel bad for her, she’s losing her edge._

_What a waste of good medicine._

_What a waste of space._

Five didn’t want to see the disappointment, the suspicion, the whatever else that came with being tortured.

So, she pulled the blanket up to her ears and shut her eyes and pretended that they weren’t there to feel disappointed in her.

How was she going to prove herself again? She’d slipped up. They could have had Paula back, and because Five failed, they were a runner down, no Paula, and no closer to getting a non-child killing formula because their only scientist was busy taking care of her pathetic ass.

Even when Maxine talked to her she could hear the blame in her voice, it was Five’s fault that Paula couldn’t come back with her. It was Five’s fault.

It was all Five’s fault.

_You’re so damn selfish._

She curled in tighter, hoping to slip back into actual sleep, at least then she didn’t have to think about it, she could just be nothing.

But the pain was too much, and the voices too distracting.

And Five couldn’t get those four words out of her head. Over and over.

_You’re so damn selfish._

“You need to stop moping.”

Five opened her eyes, Sara sat in the chair staring at her face. She had her foot rested on her knee, book propped open on her thigh. How long had she been there?

Five closed her eyes again, pulling the blanket over her face. She’d turn over if her other shoulder didn’t scream with any sort of movement.

Sara didn’t look away, instead narrowing her gaze. “Jody has been knitting like crazy. Damn girl is gonna have a new wardrobe for you when you get out.”

Five puffed out her cheeks.

“Wow, it’s like that is it? Anyone would think you were having a bad day, but here you are, resting in bed like a damn princess.”

Five frowned.

Sara shrugged. “Honestly, look at you sat here feeling sorry for yourself, do you really think it’s all right for you to waste time and resources by just laying about like a lazy shit.”

Five sat up, gritting her teeth against the pain. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, you’re gonna play dumb now too, typical. Gets doted on for messing up and now you expect me to feel bad, really Five, did you honestly expect anyone to actually care?”

“No but-,”

“But you wanted too. Look around you kid, why do you think I’m the only one in the room?”

“Sam had to-,”

“Sam left because he was sick of you burdening him, and Maxine can’t stand to look at you after what you did to Paula, I’m the only one who can actually put up with you.”

Five shook her head. This didn't sound like Sara at all. Sure Sara was honest and brutal, but downright cruel? Five would never say Sara was cruel.

Though Five couldn't blame her, it was true.

“Aww, are you getting upset?” Sara started to laugh, and low thrumming un-Sara like laugh. It echoed like the room had been hollowed out, crashing against the encroaching darkness.

The laughter grew louder, Five putting her hands over her ears, desperate to block it out.

“Stop it, stop it please stop it.”

It hissed at her, lashing at her throat like the tongues of a flame.

“Please stop it please-,”

“Five!”

Five opened her eyes. She was on her side, face pressed into the sweet-smelling pillow.

Sara was close to her, hand on her cheek, an odd expression on her face. “Hey kid, you okay?”

Five squinted, the light behind Sara’s face a little too much to bear with her headache.

Sara shifted to block the sun. “Hey that’s better, right?”

Five was shaking, she felt right on the edge of throwing up. She barely registered that Sara was running her thumb over her hairline as she turned to someone else in the room. “She’s really warm.”

“I know, I know,” Maxine called, she sounded fed up. “Sam’s running a mission to pick up some stronger stuff as we speak.”

Sara turned back to Five, a soft smile on her face, maybe it was the fever, but it struck Five as somewhat maternal, and it was a little comforting.

Yeah…definitely the fever. Sara and comforting never went in the same sentence.

“Hear that kiddo, you’re gonna get the good stuff, gonna take this fever right down, yeah?”

Words lodged in her throat, she could form them, she knew the shapes, but her throat was dry, and her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

“You’re not mad at me?” Five finally asked. It hurt to talk, but it wasn’t impossible.

Sara's eyes widened. “Dear God, why on god’s green earth would I be mad at you?”

A shiver ran through Five, making her curl up a little more into the blankets. Sara stared at her for a long while, and Five was too tired and hurt too much to care.

She just wanted it all to stop.

“Your hair is a damn rat’s nest girl, here, sit up, at least let me get it out of your face.”

And without asking, Sara helped Five sit up so that Sara could sit on the bed next to her and pull at her hair. Five struggled to keep her head up, but if Sara did anything, she did it damn well, including braiding the hell out of Five's rat's nest.

She quickly acquired a comb from Maxine and went about getting the knots out of Five’s hair, splitting it into two parts and braiding down each side.

Sara did it all in silence, not objecting when Five completely ran out of energy and had to lean back on her. Eventually, she managed to braid Five’s hair off her face, and though it was one small thing, barely anything close to getting the grime and dirt and horror of what happened off Five’s mind, it was something of a step into making her feel a little human again.

A little more alive.

She didn't like it.

How long had it been since Five didn’t feel like the dead? This haze that had been settled on her since the very start broke a little, shattering at the corners, buckling under all the stress. It wasn’t much, barely a hairline fracture, but she could feel the haze crack.

Completely against her own will, Five started to cry. It started off as something small, something she hoped that if Sara noticed she would just pretend didn’t happen. But it kept growing, kept feeding of the hollow hole in her chest, the aching feeling that she’d done something wrong, picking at the chips.

She had done something wrong, she’d done something very wrong, she’d failed her mission, missions, plural. Archie was dead, Paula was left behind, so many dead, all because Five was too selfish and too slow and too bad at every damn thing to succeed.

Yet Sara and Maxine and Sam and everyone was still being kind to her. Why? Why on earth would they be kind now that she stopped being useful. Not that she ever was.

The sobs grew louder, and between muffled sorry’s and attempts to hide it Sara slid off the bed and pulled Five into a hug, careful of her bad arm.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Stop it now, what have you to be sorry about?”

“I…I’ve ruined it all, I- failed and Archie’s dead because of me and Ellie and now-,” Five couldn’t say it, not when Maxine was in the room, she couldn’t admit that she was the reason Paula was left with Van Ark.

Sara leaned back and shook her head. “I’ll be having none of that, young woman. You will not be taking on Van Ark’s crimes as your own mistakes, do you hear me?”

Five bowed her head. “I-,”

Sara put her hand on Five’s cheek. “Listen, Five, you’re not very well, how about you get some rest and we talk about this when your heads clear?”

She sniffed and nodded.

“Good, very good,” Sara shifted, letting Maxine move in next to her.

Maxine looked tired. Really tired.

And it was all Five’s fault.

Yet still, Maxine smiled. “Hey Five, would you like some water?”

Five stared at the bottle and nodded again.

“Great, that’s good,” she undid the bottle and handed it to Five. “Small sips now.”

Drinking took considerable effort, and her hands were shaking so much that Sara had to help her keep the bottle stable, the concentration was almost enough to knock her out again, she barely had her eyes open by the time Maxine decided she'd drunk enough and took the bottle away.

Without something to concentrate on, Five started to panic again, her brain whizzing off and a thousand different thoughts. She'd let them die, so many, so damn many. She'd killed more, she didn't deserve to be here. It wasn't fair that they were dead and she wasn't.

_I just can't see how that's fair._

She should have died in the helicopter crash, why couldn't she have died in the helicopter crash. It wouldn't hurt so much now. 

Sara seemed to notice her spiral, even if Five made no audible noise, because she sat on the bed next to her and took her bad hand, pretending to look at the bandages. Stuck in panic, unable to ask for help, Five stayed very very still. If she asked, would they let her leave? 

Maybe that would be the best if she just left Abel. Take her chances alone again, at least when she was alone she didn't fuck things up for everyone else.

No, no she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself, she had to stop being so emotional. She couldn't leave Abel, she had a duty, even if she failed, she had to keep trying right? Five needed to stop being a baby and get over whatever crap she was dealing with. 

_Don't think about it, you're good at that, you did it before, you can do it again._

Five knew she'd forgotten things before, there were blanks, long ones from the start, occasionally something pushed through, but she stubbornly held onto that darkness. It was protective after all. She could do it again. She could.

_Don't think about it._

Five took a deep breath, focus on her breathing. Any time her mind drifted she brought it back to that, the slow shaky rhythm. Breathe, just breathe.

She didn't need to think about Van Ark, she didn't need to think about Archie or...she didn't need to think. She just had to do. Put it away, throw it into that darkness.

Breathe. 

Five failed when she got too emotional, Sara had said that. This rebellious streak, it's what got Archie killed. She was that way because she was emotional. She just had to lock them out...somehow.

_Don't think about it._

It clicked, locking into place, bolted behind the haze.

_Don't think about it._

Five looked up, Maxine staring at her, Sara at her side. 

"I'm okay," she signed, though the words were clunky with her damaged hands. "I'm fine." And Five actually believed it, she really was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya! Sorry for the late chapter, classes started this week, and also I had a lot of stuff going on, and this chapter was really heavy so it was kind of a struggle to write. I'm going to try and post a chapter every Sunday! And I want to get this fic all done by the end of October so I can spend November working on NaNoWriMo then I will come back to write the second fic in this series (I'm really really excited about the next fic, got so many things planned)  
> Anyway, sorry for the shorter chapter, and thank you for being patient with me!  
> Thanks so much for reading  
> Stay Safe Out There!


	34. We build the wall to keep us free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers - no more than the last chapter  
> CW - Panic attack, mild self-harm  
> Proofread by someone who can't read. Rip to my Grammarly

Five trailed her thumb over Sam’s knuckle.

He’d fallen asleep as they watched the movie, curled up against the arm of the chair, legs tucked up under him.

Five couldn’t do that, she had to sit like a normal person, and even then her legs hurt.

Despite the fever – which was now a lot lower than it had been last night due to the medical supplies Sam had organised a run for – Maxine thought it would be good for her to get out of the hospital shack.

Sam had jumped at the opportunity, after being forbidden from the hospital until he had a shower and ate some food, he was practically vibrating at the chance to get Five out of there.

He was too sweet.

So, the rec room it was, it was closer than the garden where Five wanted to go, but Maxine was adamant she shouldn’t walk more than needed.

To be honest Five thinks Sam jumped at it so enthusiastically to give Maxine a break, poor woman had been working herself ragged since Five-

Since…

Five took a sharp breath, pressing her thumb against a small scar on Sam’s knuckle, the placement had to be a fighting scar, right? She held out her good hand flat next to his, comparing the scar she got from punching someone in the tooth to the one Sam had.

Sam fighting was certainly something to be imagined. He was too kind to project that kind of energy. Maybe it wasn’t a fight. Not everything had to be a fight.

Not everything is a struggle.

It was hard to believe that sometimes. To live is to struggle. But sitting curled up on the sofa, watching the laptop blare through another rendition of twilight: new-moon, because there was nothing else to watch and making fun of the characters, was a joy, sat next to Sam with his hand in hers. This wasn’t a struggle.

Five turned her hand over, the burn scar and knife scars and fight scars and other scars she couldn’t place marring her skin. Palms calloused from hard labour, nails bitten down, and cuticles ripped. It was a little grim to look at.

Sam’s hands were soft, clean.

They didn’t match.

What was she thinking? That maybe they could be something. Five was too messed up, too damaged, too rough for him. She’d either break him, or she wouldn’t be enough. Either way, he deserved something not so…just not Five.

Sam was soft and kind and bright and all things good. She’d ruin him.

She could already see it in the lines of his face, the tiredness. He was weary, and that was her doing.

The kindest thing to do would be to stop trying to get his attention. Stop trying her stupid attempts at flirting, stop trying to get him to realise that yes, she really really did like him, but she just couldn’t get herself to say it. She should just stop trying to be with him.

That would be the kind, selfless thing to do.

 _You’re so selfish_.

Five was neither kind nor selfless. So, she held his hand tighter.

The movement pulled on the bandages around her wrist, tugging at the sore skin.

Five hissed, feeling the yank of chains, the smell of burning tires and diesel fumes. Her vision tunnelled into a narrow few of her boots. The stained boots, the one with the blood from that woman who fell to her death. She yelped, putting her hands over her ears, curling into herself, trying to get the pull of chains away from her wrists.

She could hear laughter, a droll voice, someone screaming at her to shut up.

Five tried to tell them to stop it, but she forgot how words formed, how to shape them with her tongue and force the air through her throat to generate noise.

 _Breathe, breathe_.

Five had to stop thinking about it, she had to stop she had to just stop.

“Hey Five, it’s okay, deep breaths with me, okay, you’re okay,” she felt a pressure on her stomach. “Breathe from there, I know you can do it.”

A hand rested on her stomach, another gently on her good shoulder.

“Breathe, Five, with me.”

Five did as she was told.

She forced air down her throat, pushing it past the ragged blockage. For a moment she thought she was choking, something was stopping her from breathing.

Instinctually Five started scratching at her neck, forcing her nails into the bruised skin to try and dig out the damage.

_Just rip it out just-_

Hands latched around her wrists.

Five stopped.

Breathing.

Moving.

Tears.

They. All. Just. Stopped.

Thoughts brought to a grinding halt, the weight of them slamming almost enough to make her vomit.

It was odd really, to just stop.

It was almost peaceful.

Sam held her wrists, hair slightly stuck up, eyes wide. He looked between his hands, mouth gaped.

“I-I’m sorry I-,” Sam let go of her wrists like they burned him. “Are you okay, I didn’t mean I-.”

Five lowered her hands, the shock of that Stop still making everything fuzzy.

Sam cupped her face. “Five are you okay, I didn’t mean to scare you, I didn’t-,”

His words trailed off into the fuzziness.

Five wasn’t scared, did she look scared?

Sam kept rambling asking over and over if she was okay if she could respond if she could just do something. He stroked down her hair, kneeling before her.

“Five please are you-,”

Five nodded. “I’m okay,” she signed. “I’m fine.”

He smiled. “Yeah? Yeah, you’re…you’re okay?”

Why was he so panicked? Five felt fine, it been a long time since she’d been this calm.

She nodded again.

Sam’s smiled grew wider, but there was something pinched in it, he nodded to himself. “Good, okay, good,” Sam kissed her head. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” she signed again before wrapping a hand around her wrist.

* * *

Simon skidded to a stop, looking up at Jody.

“Still need to shave three seconds,” Jody announced, holding up the stopwatch. “It’s just three seconds is it that important?”

Maxine gripped Five’s good arm, turning it over to inspect the wounds.

“They are healing nicely, another week and the scabs will be gone,” she frowned, looking at a particularly red scab. “Have you been picking at them?”

Five heard Maxine ask the question, but she was too busy watching Simon explain "commitment to the form" to Jody for the seventh time before gearing up for another sprint, how did he have so much energy. She swore Simon was never this fast.

“Five?”

Two weeks since Five last got to run, her own time must be appalling by now, and if recovery took another two weeks – at least, Maxine liked to stress – her times would be shoddy.

What use will Five be if she can’t keep her speed?

She had to run.

“Five are you listening to me?”

Five shook her head.

“Very funny, an absolute comedian,” Maxine deadpanned. “Have you been picking at them?”

Five shrugged.

That earned her a tut. That was seven tuts in one appointment, maybe she could get it up to double digits.

_Stop teasing Maxine you know she cares._

“How are you sleeping?” Maxine asked, turning over Five’s bad hand to look at the wound on the back.

Five shrugged again.

Maxine’s face remained completely blank. “Sam says you’ve been getting a lot of nightmares.”

Five sniffed, of course Sam brought them up. She did feel a little bad, she’d woken him up three nights in a row now.

She just had to get through it, she just had to push through, it was worse at Mullins and she got through that alone, she can do it again.

“I’m fine,” Five signed.

“So you keep saying,” Maxine poked the wound. “You know Five, New Canton has a psychiatrist on staff, I could ask them too-,”

“I’m fine.”

Maxine tutted. That was eight.

She looked back out at Simon running his sprints again, Evan now joining in with the training, Bonnie bouncing around his legs happily.

Whatever happened to Archie’s puppy?

“So, you and Sam are sharing a room again,” Maxine said, a new tone in her voice.

Five nodded.

“You know, people talk,” Maxine raised a brow.

“I don’t,” Five signed.

That earned a look.

Maxine motioned for Five to pull down her sleeve so she could look at the bullet wound. This one hurt far more than the one she got outside new canton.

“I know…but I mean, like people,” Maxine said.

“Like, you, Jack, and Jody?”

Maxine hummed. “You’ve been picking at this one too?”

“Sam says I do it in my sleep.”

“We’ll have to make you sleep in mittens.”

“Yeah, no thanks.”

"Bif fuzzy ones."

"Gross."

"Jody can whip some up."

"I'll burn them."

Maxine snorted, expression going serious again. “It’s gonna scar,” Maxine said. “Well... scar more.”

“That’s not really something I can be concerned about,” Five said. “My complexion will never be as it was, woe is me and all that.”

“You know scarring might be more than cosmetic?”

Five went to shrug again but stopped herself short of shouldering Maxine in the face.

“Sooooo, you and Sam?”

“What about us?” Five asked, knowing exactly what she was on about and finding that unfortunately, it was completely innocent. Five just couldn’t sleep alone anymore, and well, Sam had offered.

He'd done it so awkwardly. 

When Five was moved back to her room, Sam kept coming up with excuses to stay. _You're water bottle isn't full. The plants need watering. Maybe I should get you another blanket. Oh, I forgot to ask your opinion on this old episode of a show. You never watched it? Well, I'll have to give you the full rundown in detail._

She was grateful she didn't have to ask though, and it was nice sleeping next to someone else, she’d never done it before.

Despite the nightmares, she slept much better.

“Weeeeeeellllllll,” Maxine wiggled a brow. Sara would be proud of Five's poker face. “Oh damnit Five you’re no fun.”

“You just like gossip,” Five signed.

“I like knowing if my friends are happy,”

“Don’t think Owen and Jody were happy about you forcing them on a date,” Five signed. “You just like gossip.”

Maxine conceded, nodding her head to a side and stepping back. “It’s nothing then?”

“It’s nothing.” She pulled the sleeve up on her shirt, rolling it out a few times. “When can I get back out there?”

“Two-three weeks, at least, if we weren’t so short-handed for the-,” Maxine trailed off. “I’d keep you on the bench for two months if I could but, three more weeks,” she bowed her head. “Conveniently the same time they want to test the spray.”

It was Five’s turn to be shocked. “They want me on that mission?”

“Major asked for you apparently, got Sam all riled up.”

“Huh,” she looked out at Simon again. “Simon not on the run?”

“No.”

“But he’s faster than me.”

“Ask the Major, she’s the one with the plan.”

Five sniffed. “Three weeks, I can do three more weeks.”

Maxine grabbed some new equipment to sling Five’s arm. “No vigorous activity in those three weeks.”

Five snorted. “What kind of vigorous activity will I be getting up to if I can’t run?”

Maxine tutted. “You are hopeless.”

That was nine tuts.

* * *

Sam wandered into the kitchen, a little taken aback when he found Five humming to herself whilst dancing at Bart who was sat sprawled out on the table looking unimpressed.

“Five, I don’t mean to interrupt this very important dance battle, but are you okay?”

Five looked up at him and smiled, shooting finger guns at him but not saying anything else.

“When was the last time you slept?”

“Fuck knows,” she signed.

And the signing, a month since the Van Ark incident and Five hadn’t uttered a single word since, not even to him in private. She’d started to do it in her sleep as well.

Was it the trauma? Maxine said it was, that it was Five’s way of coping, that they just had to give her time and let her process it. But she wasn’t processing it. Not really.

Every time Sam tried to get her to talk about it, she danced around the subject. One night, when he was a very tired and had no filter, Sam asked her directly about something she said and he could see the confusion on her face, like the memory didn’t register.

Sam sighed. “And you’re making another cup of coffee, are you sure that’s wise?”

“Nope, but another swig on the beans and I’m golden, ready to get back out there and run from the dead.”

Sam squinted, her hands were shaking as she signed. It was Five’s first mission since the incident, Maxine said it was too early, and Sam was inclined to agree, Five still had to wrap up her wrists for support. Her arm wasn’t fully useable.

But needs must, lack of runners was lack of runners. And Five was insistent she was ready, she even had a private meeting with the major.

But she wasn’t talking anymore.

“You don’t need to go today,” Sam said. “We can-,”

“You know that’s a lie,” she signed, then holding up the kettle.

Sam nodded in confirmation. “No milk on-,”

“I know how you take it,” Five signed again, turning back around to make him a coffee, rolling out her wrists a few time.

He watched her for a while, leaning his weight on the kitchen counter and giving Bart’s ears a scratch.

“You had another bad dream last night,” Sam said, not looking up but seeing the line of her back tense slightly.

She sighed, setting the kettle down a little too harshly. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do you think that might be the problem?” Sam asked, he’d been gearing up for this conversation for a week, rehearsing every way she could respond, everything he could say not to scare her off.

“I’m sorry I keep waking you,” Five signed before handing him his mug.

“That’s not the problem,” he poked Bart’s nose. “I don’t mind sitting up with you I really don’t.”

Five didn’t believe him, he could read that much. It was strange, a year ago Sam wouldn’t have been able to read anything from her face, now it was almost too clear. She sipped her coffee, eyeing him over the mug, the act of holding something telling him she wasn’t going to communicate.

“They are getting wors-,”

“Runner Five…Mister Yao,” Janine cut him off, stepping into the kitchen from her corridor. She squinted at Bart on the kitchen table. “The mission starts in ten minutes, is now really the time to be having a _catch up_ over coffee?”

Sam looked at his watch. “Nooo, no it’s in an hour.”

Five nodded an agreement.

“It’s been moved an hour forward, did you not- no I don’t suppose you did, well, hop to it, you have seven minutes.”

Five blinked.

“Runner Five?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes, downing the rest of her coffee and patting Sam on the arm, leaving the kitchen as quickly as Janine entered.

Sam scooped up his own mug and head to the shack. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm very busy and also struggling to write, so I would like to apologise for the smaller chapters with less frequent posting! I promise we are coming up to the end of this fic soon so longer chapters are on the way!  
> I'm excited to get this done, not that I don't enjoy writing, it'll just be brilliant to have a finished project! Especially one this long  
> Which reminds me, thank you to everyone who's stuck it out to this point, how do you do it! It's a long ass fic  
> Anyway! Thank you so so so much for reading!!  
> Stay safe out there xxx


	35. The Wall Keeps out the Enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers For S2 M36

“Awesome work, Five. God, you’re just so – you’re just so handy with that thing,” Sam yelled.

Five’s ears were ringing a little too much from the explosion, blinking the white spots out of her eyes as the pieces of the drone spiralled down to the earth.

“Easy there, I know big weapons excite you, but try to keep it under control,” Nadia teased.

She lowered the rocket launcher, when had this become her life?

“I-,”

Nadia snorted. “And that’s how you do a double entendre. Listen and learn.”

Zombies wandered around the base of the hill, left to their own devices after Jamie had given them the slip.

She could hear the Major talking to Sam, well, more like berating, but it wasn’t really processing for her.

Five dropped the rocket laucher.

What had she done wrong this time, the spray was supposed to work, it was supposed to fix things, Sam had been so excited to go back to the way things were, the whole town was?

Did something go wrong because deep down really Five didn’t want to get back to the way things were before.

Not really.

She’d ruined it.

“Five?”

No natural history museum for Sam.

Since when did Sam want kids?

Five rolled out her wrists, the supports tugging at her skin.

“Five are you okay?”

Five tapped a yes, she needed to focus, second mission back and she already felt like she was breaking at the seams. Fuck she needed a nap.

“Five?”

She spun, knife in her hand, collar of her assailant pulled taught.

“Easy there, mate, it’s all right.” Jamie held up his hands, breathing heavily.

Right Jamie. The got-a-kid-killed Jamie, Archie’s Jamie.

Five squinted at him.

“You still pissed at me?” Jamie asked.

Five shrugged.

He huffed, eyeing up the amusing way she had to pull him down to her level to threaten him. “You wanna chill out?”

“Five why have you got Jamie at knife point?” Sam asked.

She was getting a little fed up of all the questions.

Are you okay Five, how are you feeling Five, you wanna talk about it Five? Another nightmare again Five?

“Five?”

She released his grip, sheathed the knife and started down the hill, the Major said something about coming home.

“You okay?” Sam asked.

Deep breathes, it’s not his fault, not really, deep breathes.

Steps caught up to her, Jamie’s shadow stretching out beside her as he matched step. “Hey Five I wanted to chat.”

Five snorted, she wasn’t really one to chat.

“Five, if you could just, damn it, how do you walk so fast?”

Five broke into a jog and Jamie swore.

“You want me to make an excuse for you to come home?” Sam asked. “I could like, fake a heart attack or something, or, you know, something dramatic.”

Five smiled but tapped a no, she could deal with Jamie.

“Five, wait up, right, I need to talk to you,” he grabbed her arm turning her round to face him.

Five glared at his hand.

In his defence, he looked regretful, quickly pulling his hand back. “Yeah, uh, you’re looking…good.”

Five looked like shit.

A growl, Five started, trying to pin the location.

“Look, I need to give you something,” Jamie said.

Could be Van Ark zombies, they had to be prepared, always prepared and-

“Five could you look at me when I’m talking to you.”

If they didn’t move now, they could get overwhelmed, especially now they were stronger, she’d have to take the long route home, hope to lose them before bringing them to Abel and-

“Five, I know you’re mad at me but can you just give me two minutes,” Jamie snapped.

“What?” She signed.

A breath of relief. “Could you…there’s something at the station you should have, it’s Archie’s and well, I don’t want it.”

“What makes you think I want it?”

Jamie clearly didn’t consider that, his face was a little muddled when he read the signs. “Well you can just give it to someone else, I just don’t want it anymore, don’t much care what you do with it, just…just take it.”

Five cocked her head, then tapped the mic. _Orders._

Sam sighed. “Well, you need to lose those zombs anyway, could go past the station, if you want, or I can pretend that you’re really needed here, not that you aren’t, just, well, it’s chaos here since the drone…maybe it’s best you stay away for a bit, let things calm down.”

Five shrugged, motioning for Jamie to lead the way.

They ran in silence, a solemn thing, the stains of Five getting mad at him leaking through.

She didn’t realise just how mad she was till she saw Jamie wave at the kids in the station, an older girl Five didn’t want to learn the name of holding Careena’s hand.

How many kids did Jamie have in total, she never bothered to learn? She counted seven, but she could hear more outside.

That was a lot to look after, why didn’t he ask for help? One kid was hard enough, let alone multiple, she saw how it weighed on Ed, and Molly was very well behaved.

Jamie stopped to talk for a bit with the older girl, taking off his pack and handing opening it, both of them peering in at the contents.

“Sweets!”

The other children grew quiet, and in a wave of joy and clambering, they pelted to Jamie, bouncing on their feet, jumping too look over each others heads.

“Aww, that’s kind of cute,” Sam said.

Five felt sick.

“Right you lot, don’t eat them toO quick, you’ll get a bad stomach, Ronny, give that back, no you have two I can see you hiding it in your pocket.”

“He’s actually really good with them,” Sam said. “Didn’t think he had it in him.”

She needed to check the perimeter, something, anything, Five just needed some air.

She dropped her pack so Jamie knew she was still about and wandered outside, zipping up her coat against the October air.

“Five are you okay?”

Again, stop asking it again.

Five hugged herself as she walked.

It was getting late, the sun casting long shadows across the old stone buildings. Even without the care of local governments, trees and green areas had thrived, the thick brush and canopy shifting into orange and reds.

She kicked up a few leaves as she walked, following the path that Jamie obviously used for it was lined with fencing and wire.

Sam sighed loud enough that her headset crackled.

_Yes._

“No, it’s nothing, just the Major is not happy, I feel a little bad about asking you to use the rocket launcher, like, was it a waste?”

Five wiped her nose. _No._

“You think it was the right call?”

_Yes._

“Yes, well, you’ll look for any excuse to blow something up won’t you, I’m surprised you didn’t just try and throw a brick at the drone, that tends to be your go to,” he chuckled. “That or glare at it.”

If she could respond she would. She opened her mouth to talk, to give him a quip about how useful that glare was, how it works on him, but the words were hard, they didn’t form, didn’t lock together into sound, just a low chocking noise like someone trying to cough discreetly at the theatre.

Sam hummed. “It’s okay, you don’t…don’t hurt yourself trying.”

 _I want to try,_ she thought. _For him at least._

Five kicked up some more leaves and continued to walk around the station.

“You know what I just realised, I’m going to tell you, so you’re not left in suspense, because oohhh this is dramatic, and a crime amongst crimes.”

She smirked, excited to see where he was going.

“I just realised that you have had a birthday, and I never knew.”

Five stopped.

“You, my dear friend, have been at Abel for a little over a year, and have not grown a year older, how could you deprave me of a chance to celebrate you,”

Five snorted and continued walking, of course _Sam_ would get hung up on that.

“So, you’re going to have to tell me when you get back yeah, so we can celebrate properly!”

_No._

“Oh no you don’t I want details, I want - DOGGY!”

Five jumped at the loud noise.

“Sorry, sorry I…look doggy.”

Five looked, and yeah there was a doggy, digging a big hole in what seemed to be a makeshift herb garden that had been frosted over and waterlogged.

“Is that Milo?” Sam asked.

She nodded even though he couldn’t see her. He chuckled at the movement though and whispered close to the mic “Go and pet him.”

 _He’s a bloody great husky_. Five thought. _He’ll rip off my arm._

“Go pet the good boy, pet him pet him pet him,” Sam started to chant. “Pet the good boy, oh please.”

Five sighed, Sam wasn’t going to shut up about the dog until he got a high definition close up of the _good boy._

Milo had gotten big, really big, last time Five had seen him with Archie he was still small enough to be held in her arms and hugged to her chest and seeing as Archie is a small woman…was a small woman…was.

Now Milo was up to Five’s waist, he could probably stand taller than her on his hind legs.

Five whistled at him and clicked her tongue. For a moment Five thought he was going to not look up, but the damn dog seemed to recognise her and got more excited than Sam does on DnD night.

Well, not quite as excited, but pretty close.

He bounced around, howling, padding his feet into the dirt. Milo pounded at her, jumping up on her legs, barking and yapping happily. His joy was infectious, Five started to laugh, scratching his ears and yelping when he knocked her back, nuzzling his face into hers.

She gently pushed him off, scratching his chin and the side of his face, giggling the whole time.

“Wow, I haven’t heard you laugh like that in so long,” Sam said. “It’s nice.”

She smiled, rubbing the sides of Milo’s neck and pulling funny faces at him.

“He’s so CUTE,” Sam yelled. “Oh, I just want to cuddle him and muss his little ears and-,”

“He’s yours.”

Jamie stood to the entrance of the garden, arms folded and expression grim. He tossed her pack down onto the ground.

Milo bounded to Jamie, nuzzling at his hands and sitting when Jamie clicked his finger down.

“Mine?” Five asked.

“I don’t want him, he’s too much fuss, and well…if Archie would have wanted anything-,” Jamie trailed off.

She stood and brushed herself off. “What if I don’t want him?”

Jamie shrugged, scratching Milo’s ears. “I don’t care, just take him off me,” and with that he turned and left.

“That’s it,” Sam said. “He didn’t even ask he just…oh he can be a little rude sometimes can’t he?”

Five watched the line of Jamie’s shoulders as he walked away, the tension in them.

She could feel bad, she could pity him.

Maybe in another life.

Five whistled at Milo who bounded to her side, he sat when she clicked her hand and pointed at the floor.

“So what are we going to do with him?”

Five patted Milo’s head. _I guess I’ll just have to figure it out._

* * *

There was a traitor in Abel, one of his runners was a traitor. One of his team had betrayed them to Van Ark. And Five was in that team.

Sam folded his legs up under him, watching the gates close behind Sara and Five from the camera, Janine already there to remove their weapons and check for bites.

He should have gone out to greet them, greet Five, he needed to explain that he knew she wasn’t the traitor, he just knew.

If Janine had seen the nightmares Five had about Van Ark, she would know the mere thought of the man makes her sick.

He wanted to believe it was Evan, and that’s why he left, but, well, the possibility was still there.

At the thought of Evan, Sam’s throat burnEd, the absolute anger that came when he heard about it rising again. Evan, head of runners, betrayed them for what…a cushy life in the Caribbean. What a joke. What an absolute selfish joke. It was the apocalypse for christ sake, it was the time people had to stick together had to push through _together._

Milo whined on his bed in the corner, ears pricking up a little.

They had yet to decide what to do with the poor thing, Janine said it was up to him and Five, so him and Five had been taking turns to look after him.

If Sam was honest he hoped that Five was unsuccessful in her hunt for a new home for him. Because then they would have to keep him, together. 

Milo made Five smile in a way she hadn’t since the incident.

The dog stood, perking up a little, ready for when the door opened with Five not a few seconds later.

Sam stood, ready to hug her but was intercepted by the beast, she giggled and snorted at his enthusiasm, pulling excited faces. He couldn’t help but watch for a while, enjoying that small moment of happiness.

After a few moments Milo settled and Five looked up at him.

She looked tired, god she looked tired.

“You okay?” Five signed.

“Me? I’m fine are you-,”

“You’ve been crying,” Five signed.

Sam raised a hand to his cheek. “So I have,” he tried to smile, but it felt half hearted. “Gotta have a good cry every now and then, it’s cathartic.”

Five raised a brow.

Welp, there really was no hiding it. Sam ran a hand through his hair and slumped into the chair. To his surprise Five followed him and took up both his hands as she stood over him.

“I can’t believe someone betrayed us, and Evan I-,” Sam cut himself off. “You don’t look shocked.”

Five shook her head, tensing her hands to ask him to let go. He obliged. “I figured we had a traitor when Archie-,” she paused. “Actually it may have been a little before that.”

“You never said anything,” Sam asked.

Five cocked her head and moved so she was leaning on the desk, he adjusted the chair to follow her. “I think everyone is going to betray us, it wouldn’t have been good to spout paranoid nonsense when we are just trying to get by.”

Sam frowned. “Everyone?”

She didn’t respond.

“Including me?”

“It’s not a personal thing,” Five signed. “Just…well Evan didn’t surprise me either.”

“He didn’t?” Sam laughed a hollow laugh “He was like, I know Jody saw him as a dad, how could that not be surprising.”

She shrugged. “Just had that air about him.”

“We really should talk about your trust issues,” Sam said.

Five scrunched her nose. “Not trust issues if I’m proved right.” She paused. “Not that this is an ‘I told you so’ situation, I never brought it up because I knew I was being paranoid.”

“Clearly not too paranoid.”

“Fear enough people, eventually one of them will justify that fear.”

It was Sam’s turn to raise a brow. “That’s very introspective of you.”

“What can I say, you’re rubbing of on me, and not in the fun way,”

Sam felt his face go bright red, which earned him a smirk from Five.

“Oh, you are going to be the death of me,” he said. “How you tease.”

“That’s not teasing,” she smirked.

He kicked her leg, she sneered and leaned forward, putting her hands on his face and messing up his hair.

“Stop stop, I’m sorry,” he laughed, trying to shove her off as she continued to ruffle his hair.

The door slammed open. “Five I thought I told you the shack was off limits.”

Five froze, squinting at Janine, hands still in his hair.

“You are not to be anyway within sensitive information until I say otherwise is that understood.”

Five folded her arms.

“Runner Five?”

Sam watched the weird stand off between the two, Janine towering in the door frame looking every bit the soldier, Five leaning back on the desk like she could care less.

After a few moments, it seemed Five lost, she nodded, whistled at Milo and left without so much as a wave behind at him.

Janine maintained her tension.

“Did you ever consider, Mister Yao, that this…relationship…may be Five’s way of getting vital information she wouldn’t otherwise have access too?”

“You’re saying that-,” Sam spluttered. “Five’s not the traitor.”

Janine put her hands on her hips “She could be, a close relationship with you may allow for intel she otherwise wouldn’t get.”

“I could say the same thing about you and Simon.” Sam spat. The words felt odd in his mouth yet still right. Five and Sam weren’t really a relationship like Janine and Simon – even if he wanted it to be – but, really, if he thought about it, it almost was. Almost, just not close enough.

“Simon and my relationship is none of your concern,” Janine said.

Sam chuffed. “Sure, what better way to get valuable intel than to have a close relationship with you.”

“That’s absurd.”

“Exactly, it’s why it’s absurd with me and Five too,” Sam swivelled in his chair a bit. “Besides, we aren’t actually a relationship.”

Janine scoffed. “She is not allowed in the shack, Five and the others are under house arrest until I say otherwise.”

Sam gave her a mock salute. “Understood.”

* * *

Sam was asleep by the time Five came back from her nightly run. Well, he should be, he was asleep when she left him.

Three AM. She could push it and stay up the whole night, maybe, it wasn’t like she had any missions anymore, not since she was brandished as a traitor.

It was infuriating, knowing that you hadn’t done anything, yet people still believed you did wrong.

She knew Janine had pegged her as the traitor, she could see it in the side glances and constant watching. She swore she saw Janine watching her run tonight from her window in the house.

Well... let her watch, Five wasn’t doing more than running in circles, nothing more.

But what if?

Five knew her memory was patchy about the _incident_ as everyone likes to call it. She knew what happened, Maxine had laid it out in clear detail to see her reaction. But it just felt like a story, something that happened to someone else, not to her.

Could it be that she said something, did something that her guilty brain decided to hide, and that really she was the reason everything failed and that-

Five took a long breath. This was a rabbit hole she wasn’t going to let herself go down.

She didn’t know a lot of things, but she did know that she hated Van Ark, that given the opportunity she would rip his throat out with her teeth if she had too.

Yeah, she was certain she wasn’t the traitor.

But still, the doubt was there.

Her shoulder ached, thrumming will a dull pain. Five rolled it out and stretched her wrists. She was getting slower because of this pain. She was losing her worth.

Maybe she should go out and train a bit more, work on her form with the new pain.

But Sam looked so warm and peaceful.

Sam or training.

It wasn’t really much of a choice, Five was selfish, she knew this. She was a selfish coward.

Five kicked off her shoes and quickly changed into a bed shirt, pulling up the sheets and curling into bed next to him, feeling a rush of love and joy when he wrapped his arm around her in his sleep and pulled her close to his chest.

It was selfish, and Five was going to ruin him.

But she couldn’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Hey guess what, I know and am really sorry how long it’s been since i posted, lots of stuff has happened, but, and exciting, i think i will have this finished before nanowrimo! I think It will be done this week or next week, i just gotta stay on track and then it will be over.
> 
> I am going to write season three into a different fic after NaNoWriMo DW i will not be leaving my Five and Sam, but I’m gonna take a little break (well not really a break, i just want to focus on my book)
> 
> I’m sorry i went off the radar, life is a lot, but here you go, it’s not the most eventful chapter, but it has character and set up for some later stuff.
> 
> Anyway thank you so much for reading xx  
> Stay safe out there!!


	36. Even the one who loves you best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2 M41  
> CW - Panic attacks, canon typical violence, betrayal of the harshest sort  
> I have proofread but - say it with me - I'm dumb of ass, so there are errors

It wasn’t Sara, it couldn’t be Sara. Sara was harsh and brutal and ruthless, but a traitor, selfish? No that wasn’t Sara.

Five thought she had Sara pinned down. Sure, there were things about the woman that Five wasn’t sure Sara knew, let alone Five. But a traitor?

No.

Sara was a good-of-the-many kind of person. She was Spock with a little more charisma and a little less heart. Sara was the pinnacle of Queen and Country. And Sure, Five didn’t trust her because she knew Sara would let anyone in Abel die in an instant if it saved everyone else, but that was also the exact reason she did trust her.

Sara was both an unknown yet completely certain.

Five knew what buttons to push to annoy her, when she’d gone too far in said annoying and need to pull back. Five knew that really she was a huge softie who would secretly cry at old rom-coms, but would also behead a man for looking at her funny.

Sara was a conundrum yet a constant.

And she couldn’t be the traitor.

So when Sara motioned for Five to help clean up the body of the woman who contacted the traitor Five felt a blinding need to do as she was told.

She didn’t like this loyalty, but she also liked being loyal.

Sara was not the traitor. Five was sure of that.

When they got caught by the Warden in the prison and Louise was held whilst guards pinned Five and Sara down and took all their weapons and possessions and Five almost blacked out at the hands holding her down, it was Sara giving her a soft smile that kept her from going into a full-on panic.

Sara was there, and if Five followed Sara, things won’t go wrong.

So she gritted her teeth, she bore the hands and hand and hands, she didn’t lose her nerve and strike back at the prison guards, she did as she was told until Sara told her what to do next.

She did what Sara said, she placed the widgets on the cameras, she lured the guards, she fought off this rising panic that was coming from the feeling of being trapped, of having hands on her. Five fought it off because Sara would be ashamed of her if she didn’t.

Because Sara was always right.

Yes somehow, even with all of Sara’s guidance, all of Five holding her nerve, Five was still being chased by a power-hungry Warden that thought the apocalypse was a chance to play queen and live out her own sadistic fantasy’s.

“Bloody hell! I can see why the prisoners call her The Freak,” Sam blurted.

Five vaulted over an abandoned gurney.

“Quick, if you roll them back!”

Five planted her feet and gave the gurney a shove, it rolled and rattled, crashing into the beefy woman and barely making her jolt.

Five paused. Five was good in a fight, but when it came to The Warden she didn’t like her chances. She was far bigger than her, and Five was too tired to fully rely on her speed.

“The needles five, on the tray throw them at her, then out the back door.”

Five tossed up the tray, the needles sticking in her face, but just making her smile.

Time to bolt

Out the back door, into a long corridor, long and metal and closing in and Five needed to focus.

She slammed into a wall, turning harshly to her left.

“Jesus, what will it take her to stop, a silver bullet, a stake?”

“Oh, don’t worry about this gun.”

“She has a gun?!”

“I’m not going to shoot you, this won’t be quick.”

“Fucking sadist,” Sam said. “I’m not letting this psycho catch you, okay, see that clear plastic door ahead.”

It was hard to miss, Five was bolting right at it.

“Go through there, watch out for crawlers, and out the other side, as fast as you can!”

Five had done enough night drills with Sara to know what her feet needed to be doing.

She skipped over the crawlers in the room, the Warden yelling threats at her as Five leapt over the last crawler and skidded into the next room.

“Hit the door lock, Five.”

Five did, slamming her fist on the button.

“No!”

The door sealed shut, air spraying up from the vacuum seal.

“Got her! Now it’s just her and her pet crawlers.”

The warden flattened up against the glass pane, fists pounding and banging. “Let me out of here! Please let me out, I’ll give you anything.”

A withered hand wrapped around her face, a jaw locking onto her neck.

And a coldness settled on Five as the Wardens throat was ripped up.

_Good, she deserves it._

“Ugh, look away, Five. There’s no need for you to see this.”

Five covered her camera, but she didn’t turn. There was every need to see this.

This is what Five did, this is what Five could do. Five could cause as much pain as she wanted.

The warden howled and screamed and sobbed and spluttered and spat. She clawed at the glass, cursing about worse things, cursing at Five. A whole enclave of fowl things and blood dripped from her mouth, her muscle and bone ripped up and pulsing with the screams, eyes bulging in pain.

Five smiled.

If she could do this to the Warden, imagine what she could do to Van Ark given the chance.

Eventually, the Warden grew still and Five lost her entertainment, her breath was shaky, but not in a scared way, the way of adrenaline and excitement and power and maybe Five could understand just how good it felt to watch something she hated die.

It wasn’t a new feeling.

Five cried out, a shocking pain slamming hard into the back of her head.

She stumbled bending over to grip her skull, fumbling round to see what attacked her, she was alone.

“Sara, Sara how close are you to Five she’s hurt,” Sam yelled.

Five couldn’t breathe, she didn’t understand, it was like a thunderclap in her head, a wave crashing hard against a rocky cliff. It had no warning, and god it hurt, it fucking hurt.

“Five it’s okay, Sara’s on her way,” Sam said. “Just hold on.”

She slipped to her knees, pressing her head to her thighs, putting her hands over her ears and shaking her head to try and shake out the pain. It wouldn’t go it just wouldn’t go. 

“Five, what are – holy Mary, right-,” Five felt a presence push up next to her, hands in her hair. “I don’t see any wound Sam are you sure she got hurt?”

“She just collapsed I thought something hit her, what’s wrong?”

Five could hear it, the clawing hands at the window, the rising voices, the smell of iron, the feeling of pure power from ending so many she hated. It was real, real and painful and oh god oh god why couldn’t she remember it.

“Five, dear, give me your hands, come one do it, you can do it.”

Five curled in tighter, unable to take anymore, what had she forgot, why did it hurt too much when something slightly brought it up, why did it hurt. Why couldn’t it just stop hurting?

“Now, dear, digging your nails into your head isn’t going to help anyone.”

Five gripped her head tighter, pulling at her hair.

And then it stopped.

As fast as the crash started it stopped just as suddenly.

She blinked, breath frozen. Five straightened up, Sara was gripping her wrists, halfway from pulling her hands from her head.

She stared blankly at Sara.

“You with me, dear?”

Five nodded, still unable to breathe.

Sara frowned, eyes flicking to her hands wrapped around Five’s arms, then settling back onto Five’s face.

“What happened?”

Five heard the words, but processing them was another matter.

Sara let go of her wrists and Five pulled them close to her chest.

“We should go, huh?” Sara asked. “Sam, what’s the plan, can we head home?”

Sam took a long time to respond.

“Uh, um…no.”

Sara chuckled. “No!”

“Yeah, no. We gotta, New Canton wants us to…well there is some stuff we have to do now the prison is liberated and…yeah the Major said since you’re out there you can-, I tried-,”

“It’s all right,” Sara said. “Five’s fine, aren’t you Five?”

Five nodded, feeling slightly disconnected, she had a job to do, that’s all she needed to know.

“See, all fine,” Sara repeated. “What’s the first order of business.”

* * *

Five grabbed the axe of the wall, giving it a spin to test the weight. She kicked Esteban back into the wall, hard enough to hear the ribs crack.

The Axe cut clean through his neck, severing the head from his body, but lodging the axe in the wall.

Sam said something.

Sara said something too.

Five just waited to be told what to do.

Sara would know, Sara always knows.

A hand grabbed her arm and dragged her to the left. And left again. And left again.

She would have thought Sara had gone mad, but it was Sara, and she ran with such intention.

Sara punched her arm. “Can you see that up ahead, Five? I think it’s daylight. Sam’s daft plan actually worked!”

Five nodded, rolling out her wrists as they made it out the tunnel, slamming the door shut behind them.

Sara was breathing heavily, and Five was tempted to check her arm, a wound like that could cause a lot more damage than people think, but she batted Five off and tapped the headset.

Code for _let’s head to Abel._

“Don’t know about you, Five, but I’m planning a very long bath when I-,”

Five’s headset cracked. “Don’t react, Five. Don’t let Runner Eight know I’m talking to you.”

Five kept her face blank. But why, what did Nadia have against Sara, it was Sara after all. “Just keep running, just keep acting normally. Nod and smile, Five, just the way you normally would. Good.”

Nadia clearly didn’t know Five. She never nodded and smiled on a mission with Sara, her dead face always got a chuckle out of the woman.

“Curve around the water tower, guys. There’s a few shamblers on the north side,” Sam said.

Five followed Sara’s lead, keeping pace with her.

“That was a shock – Esteban going grey. I know he could be a bit, well, Esteban, but I’m not sure I would have got through Lem’s death without him. Anyway, we figured out how he got infected. There’s only way it could have happened because he didn’t get bitten, we’re sure about that. He would have said if Kander and Stain would have done something to him. He was a stickler for the regulations.”

Five didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t really like Esteban, he was mean to Sam, but it was very sudden and well, that can be shocking to some people.

Could she be shocked? Was that something she could do?

“Sam told me what happened when Van Ark’s lieutenant got splashed with his blood. Even though Van Ark hasn’t gone grey, his blood is infectious.”

Oh.

The cut.

Five looked at the cut on Sara’s arm.

No.

No, she wasn’t infected, she wasn’t bitten. Sara was fine. She was okay. It was Sara.

“It must have been the same thing here, only it wasn’t Van Ark’s blood. It was Runner Eight’s.”

Five waited patiently for an explanation, for a reason why Sara was infected.

_She betrayed you._

No. No Sara was a constant.

_She left you just like you thought she would._

“The thing is, if Runner Eight’s blood infected Esteban, she must have the virus herself, and if she has it and she hasn’t turned, she must be getting treatment. The same treatment Paula and Van Ark get, the treatment only Van Ark could give her.”

But, maybe…

“Do you understand? You need to be very careful, Five. Don’t show anything. Just make sure Runner Eight gets back to base because we finally know who the traitor is.”

“You’re doing really well, there, guys,” Sam blurted.

A twitch in Sara’s cheek, a squint of an eye.

Oh, Sam, he can’t lie to save his life.

But just because he’s lying doesn’t mean he’s right, they just think Sara is the traitor. When they get back to Abel they’ll clear this all up.

“We’re just jogging, Sam.”

_She knows._

Five watched her eyes flick to something spark in the treeline, they were being followed.

Of course, Sara knows. It’s Sara, she always knows.

“But you’re, well, you know, you’re jogging really well. Keep going, and you’ll be home soon… which’ll be lovely.”

_Sam, darling. Stop. Just stop._

Sara stopped.

“Can’t wait,” She put her hands on her hips and sighed. “Hang on a moment.”

Sara reached up to her ear and tapped off the mic, muting Sam and herself.

“Ah, that’s better. I couldn’t take one more second of that, could you? I love our Sam, but if there’s one thing he can’t do, it’s lie convincingly.”

Five kept her features blank.

There had to be an explanation, she just had to wait for it.

“You’re much better at it you know. Excellent poker face, but I know your tells, I taught you, so I know they told you. They finally figured it out.”

Five shook her head.

“I’m the traitor. That’s what they said. Did you find it hard to believe? I hope so.” Sara picked at her jacket, a casual non-caring gesture. “I didn’t mean to infect Esteban, you know. I didn’t think – I didn’t think that would happen. I really was trying to save him. But I doubt anyone cares.”

 _I care._ Five wanted to scream. _I CARE._

“There are soldiers from New Canton not far behind us. I keep seeing flashes of them go through the trees. We’re going to have to run faster to stay ahead of them. And I do mean we. Those guys won’t care who they shoot once they start shooting. New Canton’s always been a bit like that, for all their talk about community and group singing. So, if you want to save your own skin, you’ll come with me.”

Five shook her head again.

“But just in case you don’t,” and there was the gun. “Here’s a little nine calibre incentive. I don’t like pointing weapons at friends, but this is best for both of us, so just keep running.”

Something in Five shut down. She eyed Sara’s footing, her stance, her position, could she lunge could she-

Sara grabbed her wrist, fingers wrapped around the scars, and Five’s brain stopped. “Come on then Five.”

* * *

Why couldn’t anything go right, why could nothing go right. It was supposed to be a mission to route out the spy, it was supposed to prove Five’s innocence, it was supposed to remove the cloud of shame that hung over all their heads since the news of the traitor.

And then Five broke, and then Esteban died, and then Sara was the traitor and cut Sam off from and the only news he had was from the New Canton soldiers who saw Sara pull a gun on Five, the same soldiers who would shoot Five with not care.

This was going to break her, this was going to be the last stone to fall before the whole bridge collapses.

Five idolised Sara, she wanted to be her in every way, even if she didn’t admit it he could see it. In the way she copied Sara’s sitting position to her intonations to her favourite weapon.

Five thought the world of Sara, and Sara pulled a gun on her.

He knew Sara was bad, he knew it, he saw the influence she had and knew it was bad, he should have said something, put a stop to Sara’s power over Five.

Sam leaned forward, pushing past the Major to squint at the figures appearing on the camera.

“Five, can you hear me? Eight?! Turn your bloody mics back on!”

Sara chuckled. “No need to shout, Sam. I can hear you.”

How dare she sound so calm. “If you hurt Five-.”

“Now why would I want to go and do a thing like that?” Sara said.

Five did nothing, but he could just see Sara holding Five by her wrist as she pressed the gun into her side.

Sam saw red. All the hurt and pain they had to endure this year, was because of the selfishness of one woman. “It wouldn’t be the first person you’d killed. My God, it wouldn’t be the tenth! How many, Eight? How many of my friends are dead because of you? Everything – the kids in that village, Jasper, the zombie spray, Archie! How can you live with yourself? When you get back here, I hope they make -.”

The Major put a hand on his shoulder. “Enough, Yao. That kind of talk doesn’t get us anywhere. Fact is, Eight, you’re surrounded. Surrender’s the only option. You may be half grey now, but you’re not bullet-proof.”

Sam blanched. “Neither’s Five! You can’t just open fire-,”

“I can do whatever the situation requires, Yao. Bringing Eight in is more important than Five’s life. I’m sorry, Five, but this is war. So, drop your gun, Eight, and drop to your knees. There’s nowhere left to run.”

Sam couldn’t believe it, she would sacrifice one of the best runners to take Sara out, she would kill Five.

Could no one see that Five wasn’t disposable, she wasn’t just a pair of good legs to send somewhere and do their dirty work.

Why did everyone act like Five wasn’t a person?

Sam was about to open his mouth to argue when Sara let go of Five’s wrist.

“Well, don’t say I don’t know when I’m beaten. Here you go, Five. Why don’t you take my gun? Looks like it really is the end of the line.”

Five took the gun limply, watching Sara kneel down and lower her head.

For a moment Sam thought Five might shoot Sara, there was a brief beat where Five just looked between the gun and Sara.

“Move in,” the Major ordered.

The soldiers started their approach, guns raised, and Five just stood, still staring at Sara.

As the men with large rifles finally leapt on Sara, pinning her down with more force than they needed but less than she deserved Five still didn’t move. The soldiers paid her no mind, not until one shoved her hard in the chest to get her out of the way so they could bring Sara in.

Five landed hard on her butt and watched the group drag Sara in.

People yelled outside the shack, news had spread. Janine was trying to enact order.

The gates raised.

The yelling got louder.

The Major left the shack.

And Sam was alone in it.

And Five was alone out there.

“Five?”

“What did I do wrong?” she asked.

Sam broke, he lowered his head. “Come on home Five, it’s okay, you can-,”

The door crashed open again.

“Yao, is Five ready to head out.”

Sam stared at the Major blankly. “Uhhh, no.”

“No…why not?”

“Five hasn’t returned from her mission, she needs to rest and-,”

The Major pushed past him to the mic. “Five, are you prepared to run defence whilst we interrogate Sara, we need a runner to distract the zombies around a secure location.”

Five shot up, tapping a yes.

“Great, head in a get some water, we head out in an hour.” The Major turned on her heel and left.

Sam followed her out. “Wait, wait, Five needs to rest, she didn’t, Major wait-,”

The Major turned on him. “Yao, this is war, we need the best of the best, and that – as you like to state – is Five, now unless Five is injured she will be running this mission, I don’t trust any of the other runners.”

Sam didn’t like the way that sounded. There was more to it than that, there had to be. Not an hour ago the Major didn’t trust Five wasn’t the traitor, now she was the most trusted runner. Something was off. The Major was lying.

The Major – seeming to think she made her point – turned again and left, calling for the gate to be closed after Five slipped in.

She looked like shit.

Sam closed the distance, even more worried when Five didn’t look at him, her eyes still on the gun in her hand.

“Five you don’t have to go out, we can send Simon, or or Jody or-,”

Five locked eyes. They were red and puffy from crying.

“Five?”

He didn’t know if he wanted to hug her, or hide her, or take the gun away or let her go or hold her hand. He didn’t know what to do.

God, he didn’t know what to do.

He just knew that if Five went back out, something very bad was going to happen.

“Five, you don’t have to go,” he said quietly, “Please don’t go.”

Five squinted.

“Please stay, let someone else deal with Sara, you don’t have to,” Sam repeated.

She shook her head.

“Please. Stay.”

After, he would wonder what he did wrong. If he had kissed her then would she have stayed, if he just held her hand and told her he couldn’t bear the thought of her going out again? If he made the right choice, whatever that was, would she have stayed, and things wouldn’t have gone so poorly.

What did he have to do to make her stay?

Five stowed the gun, gave him a sad smile, and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right yeah, only a day since the last update, I am so close to finishing! So I'm sorry If the chapters...you know I keep saying sorry and I keep getting told off (lovingly) so I won't say sorry.  
> I'll just say it means the world to me that people are still reading and enjoying my work, and I'm so glad people stuck with me to the end, you are all too kind.  
> We are like...two chapters from the end, maybe three. IDK but it's close  
> Anyway, thank you for reading xxx  
> Stay Safe Out There!


	37. Wait for Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler Warnings s2m43  
> CW: Canon typical violence, torture, suicide ideation  
> I am dumb of ass, chapter probably has a lot of typos

Five had this one reoccurring nightmare. She had a few, but this one always struck her as odd.

Five would often dream all her teeth would fall out.

She would be wandering around in whatever hellscape her brain had made up for her, and suddenly, there would go one tooth, then another, then another.

And the thing was, in the grand scheme of the nightmares, the teeth falling out was always the least of her worries, it would often occur whilst she was being chased, or yelled at or dragged behind a truck. But something about her teeth falling out filled her with more fear than anything else.

It was always the front teeth, the ones everyone can see. She would feel it wobble, the tooth decayed, then spend a significant time in the dream pulling at the tooth, even though she didn’t need too, and it was probably making it worse, and eventually, she was left with teeth in her hands and blood in her mouth.

In many of the dreams, others would be there, telling her to stop worrying, to just put her teeth back, to stop complaining. Most times people would make fun of her, or stare at her mouth in disgust.

And Five would be so confused, she had faced down so much, yet losing her teeth, that scared her more.

And that’s why it was odd. Because she would wake up panting and Sam would hold her close and tell her everything was okay and whatever scaring her wasn’t real and that really, she was safe.

But he didn’t know, how could he? She couldn’t explain that she was panicking because she had a dream where her teeth fell out.

And really, it wasn’t that she was safe from it anyway, they fell out because she was rotten, because there was something so inherently wrong with her deep down that it polluted and poisoned her from the inside out. And the teeth were the first to go.

The first sign to the outside world just how terrible she was inside. Just how wrong and incorrect she was.

And it would worry Five because she knew something in her was so very terrible, but she just didn’t know what.

How can you get better when you don’t know what you’re doing wrong? How could she have stopped Sara betraying her if she didn’t know what she did to push her away in the first place?

Five pushed on her one chipped tooth with her tongue, it was hidden at the back of her mouth, a remnant from a fight she doesn’t remember, as she patrolled around Ed’s safe house.

“Do you think I want to be half zom?” Sara spat.

Five tried to feel something, it would make more sense than this relentless numbness that had settled on her.

She supposed it was easier than the anger Sam was feeling. Five felt bad, but after hearing him yell she wasn’t sure she could be around him. Not that Sam wasn’t allowed to be angry, he had every right, just that Five wasn’t and she didn’t want to explain that.

She was just sad.

“I don’t know what you want, Sara. Did you want to get Archie killed? It must have been you who betrayed her to Van Ark. Didn’t it bother you even the tiniest bit when he tortured her to death? Didn’t it bother you when you heard her dying screams?”

Five grit her teeth, squatting to check some of the fences, or pretending too.

The Major intervened. “Steady on, De Luca.”

She wondered what it was like back in Abel, what was everyone’s reactions, was anyone just as sad as her?

Not a lot of people liked Sara, she was just a thing to them, something to send out and do missions.

Maybe that’s why Sara left.

“Of course it bothered me. I’m not a monster,” Sara said.

Janine laughed. “Funny, that’s what Van Ark said.”

“But he is a monster.”

“Didn’t stop you working for him, did it?”

She could almost hear the shrug to Sara’s tone. “You know what they say. Needs must.”

“It’s the details of your work we’re interested in, Eight. Tell us what his plans are now.”

Janine barked. “You betrayed us! Why not betray him? It’s not like loyalty’s important to you, is it?”

That’s the thing, Five had a constant with Sara, and that was Sara’s loyalty. That woman was dedicated to what she chose, to a fault, she would let the world burn rather than compromise what she thinks is right.

Did Five have her wrong, or did she just care about something different?

“Look, Janine, I know how you feel. I had my reasons-,”

“You don’t know anything about me! Don’t pretend we’re friends!”

 _More than friends._ That’s what some people in Abel thought, could Sara betray someone who was more than friends. Were they? Or did she just let the rumours go on so she could carry the weight of Janine’s authority with her?

Was she using everyone?

Did she use Five?

“I’m not sure this is getting us anywhere-,”

“Sorry, Five, cutting the feed for a second. There’s bad news on the zomb front.”

Five blinked, she hadn’t realised she’d wrapped her hand tightly around the wire, staring at it as she listened to the interrogation. She stood, her back cracking.

“It’s hard to see on the long-range cams, but it looks like one of those fast zombies has a bolt cutter. You might need to pick up the pace.”

Five rolled out her bad shoulder. Despite the revelation of the traitor, the Major didn’t let her have her weapons back, so running it was.

She darted around the building, running on autopilot, taking directions from Sam was pretty standard now.

She rounded a corner, tutting when the zombie dropped the bolt cutter and stumbled its way through the fence.

_Just my luck._

_“_ Yep, definitely a bolt cutter,” Sam tried for a joke, it fell flat. “And they’re through the gate. Sorry, Five. In retrospect, sending you close – probably not the best idea. It’s too late to stop them, just run! Major De Santa, are you reading me?”

“Loud and clear, Yao.”

“Zombs have broken through the fence. There’s nothing Five can do.”

Five could have done more if he let her, she could lay down and die, that will distract them for a while.

“Copy that. I’ll take my binoculars out for a look. Hold the fort while I’m gone, De Luca.”

“Yes, ma'am.”

Five stomped her feet and tried to lead the zombies around the corner, they didn’t really seem to care.

“Just you and me, now, Janine. Oh, I know that expression. Planning to take a little bit of that anger out on me? I wouldn’t blame you.”

_Stop goading her Sara._

Sara knew what buttons to push, Five learned that skill from her.

“I’d never hit a defenceless woman.”

“You could always untie me.”

Five snorted.

“Cut through that orchard, Five. There’s more fast zoms closing in from the right.”

She did as she was told.

“What’s their ETA at the house, Sam?” Janine asked.

Sara laughed. “Oh, has Van Ark sent the marines for little old me? I’m touched.”

“Zombs’ll be there in less than five minutes,” Sam announced. “There’s already a few chasing Five, but she can’t keep them distracted for long.”

The Major sighed. “I’m coming back. Prepare Runner Eight for relocation, Janine.”

Five veered right to try and let some more of the dead catch her scent, but they were too preoccupied with heading towards the door.

She threw a rock at one of them…nothing.

“Okay, Eight. If you even think about-,” the was a shuffle, the movement of feet, Sara’s sharp breaths she made when she struck in a fight. “How did you-? We secured you!”

“Shouldn’t underestimate me.”

Janine screamed out, a horrid wretched scream.

“Jesus! What the hell happened? Janine? Janine!”

_She’s dead._

Another one dead.

Five needed to talk to Sara, she needed to know why. She started veering around to the door.

“I’m going in,” The Major announced. “Runner Eight, if you hurt Janine-,”

“Just broke her arm. She’s passed out, but she’ll live,” Five could hear the smile, the Cheshire cat grin, the face of someone who knew they were winning. “Afraid I can’t say the same for you. Van Ark’s orders were very specific about you, Major.”

“Don’t-,”

A gunshot.

Five stopped.

“Oh my God. Oh my God,” Sam started rambling. He swore a few times, breathing getting rapid. It took him a good few seconds to get out any more words. “Five, get away from there, now!”

Out of the door the Major went in, five caught a glimpse of Sara’s hair, she darted around a corner and out of view.

Five sprinted towards her.

“What are you doing, Five? Five, are you listening to me?”

Five caught sight of her go behind an old building, heels kicking up dirt. She skidded and rounded, trying to cut her off in an alley.

She needed to talk to Sara, she needed her to explain what she had to do right.

“You’re running in completely the wrong direction! You can’t go chasing after Runner Eight, she’s armed. She’s – she’s killed the Major. I don’t know what she did to Janine. You can’t risk getting near her!”

Sara leapt over a fence, Five followed, landing in a garden. Sara had disappeared, but Five could guess where she went. Five knew Sara, or at least she thought she did.

“Please, Five, it’s pointless. You can’t even see her anymore, and, Abel needs you, too, I nee-,”

A body knocked Five forwards, pinning Five on her front. A palm pressed into the back of her skull, digging her chin into the floor, ripping out her headset with practised hands.

Five was about to flip back, but something cold pressed to her head. A pistol clicking.

“Should have listened to Sam, Five.”

She grabbed the back of Five’s collar and pulled her up to stand, kicking her hard in the legs. “It’s okay. You can keep running. Don’t worry about those fast zombs. Van Ark won’t let them touch us. He doesn’t want anything terrible to happen to you, yet. So keep going. He’s dying to see you again.”

* * *

The treadmill finally came to a stop, and despite Five’s best efforts to maintain composure, she slumped.

Her knees were shaking, her whole body was, the fire in her veins made her body twitch and convulse as she crashed down. Her arm was still locked onto the treadmill, the handcuffs ripping up the scar tissue.

Five couldn’t process feeling in her arms, she could only feel the needle’s Van Ark had stabbed her with.

He hadn’t been surgical, he hadn’t been kind, he had been brutal.

A hand grabbed the back of her hair, pulled her head back and stabbed another needle into the side of her neck.

“There, that should be it for the first round.”

Something cool soaked into her throat, and for a moment it was almost soothing, like a cold flannel on the neck in the midst of a fever.

It didn’t last long.

Her back arched, she tried to pull away from the pain, but there was nothing to pull away from.

“It’s going to kill her?” Sara asked.

“I’m not sure, I hope not, the serum is difficult to make, move her off there would you.”

The cuff on her wrist loosened and Five felt Sara move her off the machine and onto her side on the floor.

Five curled in on herself, in too much pain to care about making herself appear strong or stubborn of anything.

She had failed Sara, she’d failed Abel and Sam, acting tough now wouldn’t fix that.

Five cried out, another wave of pain hitting her. With nowhere to direct her anguish, she reflexively grabbed for Sara.

Sara meant comfort before, when it hurt before, she could make the hurt go away now.

Her hand wrapped onto Sara’s, and for a moment she felt just a tiny bit better.

“Pathetic really,” Sara said, pulling her hand back.

Van Ark hummed. “Yes quite… well, I suppose we should get to other orders of business.”

They left, footsteps echoing over the room, the door slamming shut and the lights going on.

Five was alone, alone in the dark, in enough pain that she wept.

Five wanted to go home.

She wanted him.

* * *

Sam didn’t like it, he didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t like that neither him nor Five new that Sara was double-crossing them, nor that Five still didn’t know now as Van Ark tortured her, nor that they were just letting her get tortured because they had to buy their time trying to find the other spy.

He also did not like that Sara had snuck her mic into the room so that he had to hear Five sob in the dark room alone after she nearly died going through treatment.

“It’s okay Five,” he said, even though he knew she couldn’t hear him. “You’re going to be okay, just breath through it.”

Sam bowed his head. It was well past 2 am, and he didn’t imagine Van Ark would be back until the morning. Whatever Sara was doing he hoped it was worth it.

There was another whimper and Sam dug his nails into his arm.

He hated it, he hated that Five thought everyone had abandoned her and left her to suffer. He hated that they actually did.

The whole mission, the whole plan that the Major set out, the reason she wanted Five on this mission, why she let Five hear the interrogation, was to get Five captured.

Because Sara knew Five, and she knew Five wouldn’t run away after what she did.

And the Major knew that too.

And so, Five was bait, she was a carrot on a string to taunt Van Ark with whilst Sara dug for a way to take him down. A shiny light to draw the eye away from the mission.

Five was the punching bag used to tire Van Ark out before the match. The distraction. Disposable.

Because they all knew that Van Ark would torture Five given the chance, and they had to know it could kill her.

And he hated it, and he hated that it made sense.

“You’re going to be okay, Five. I promise. You’re going to come home, and you’ll get to have a really long sleep, and if Janine doesn’t let you use her bath after this then I think we will start a mutiny huh?”

He sighed, curling his legs up under him, reaching down to scratch Milo’s ears under the desk.

“You know, I don’t think I ever told you how brilliant you are. I know I always say how cool you are, how great you can run and…well, you’re pretty badass. But, Five you’re more than that. I promise that we all know you’re more than that.”

He was rambling.

“Or at least _I_ do.”

Sam ran a hand through his hair, scratching at the nape of his neck to self soothe. “Look, we will get you out of there and get you home, I promise, and I don’t break my promises.”

He raised his pinky to the scanners. “You can’t see but I’m making a pinky swear, that’s the solemnest of promises. I’ll always bring you home, Five.”

There was a knock at the door.

He didn’t respond, pulling his knees tighter, turning up the volume to be sure he could hear her breathing. It was still too tense for her to be sleeping, he knew her sleeping, this was not it.

“Sam.” Maxine stepped into the room.

Sam scrunched his eyes shut.

“Sam, she’s going to be okay.”

Sam sighed. “Maybe, but that’s not the point.”

“What?”

He opened his eyes, Maxine stood over him, looking as tired as he felt. “It’s not the point is it. We keep sending Five on these missions, not telling her what’s going to happen, expecting her to just keep on keeping on because hey it’s Five, she can’t argue back. Why not send Three, or Four, or any of the others. No…no, it’s always Five because then we don’t have to deal with the conversation afterwards. We don’t have to realise what she’s been through. We don’t have to feel guilty.”

“Sam.”

“She’s been tortured, Maxine, twice now, betrayed, abandoned, hell, think of something bad and it’s probably happened to Five. And we just…I don’t think I’ve even…how can she not hate us?”

Maxine squatted down next to him, reaching out and taking his hands. They were shaking. “Sam you need to sleep.”

“How can I when she’s crying alone in the dark.”

“Because tomorrow she’ll be let free and she’ll need someone she can trust to bring her home. And if you’re exhausted, you can’t do that. She’s gonna need you Sam, you need to be on top of your game.”

Sam grimaced as Five whimpered again. “I’m really…I really…”

Maxine pulled him into a hug. “Oh, I know Sam. I know.”

“What if…what if I got her killed, like with Alice, what if I have to hear Five die like her.”

“Five’s not gonna die.”

“We don’t know that.”

“No…but you can certainly try and stop it,” she pulled back, “But you can’t do that on no sleep, even if you just lay down for a few hours, it’ll be better than staying up all night agonising over something you can’t change.”

“How am I supposed to sleep when-,” he sighed, dragging his hand over his face. “I…fine, but…but you get me when-,”

“I will get you, now go lay down.”

Sam wobbled on his feet, letting Maxine take over the comms. Milo whined and rested his head on her knees, sniffing loudly whilst she adjusted the seat.

“Go, Sam. Bed.”

Sam nodded and left.

He didn’t go to bed, instead, Sam took a leaf from Five’s book, he walked, he walked around Abel until the shapes of the buildings merged into one, until the moon had moved in the sky and he couldn’t recognise where he was.

Only then, when he was so exhausted that he thought he might pass out, did he manage to make it back to their room, pull Five’s teddy close to him, and fall asleep curled up in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told myself I was going to take it easy, posted a new chapter instead.  
> I don't really know what to say other than I hope you are still enjoying reading this, even if it's all angst and no fun at the moment. I promise there will be comfort soon...soon  
> Anyway  
> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Stay Safe Out There xx


	38. Is It True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S2 M43 - The Final Countdown   
> CW: Mentions of torture, Careena, beatings, major character death, existentialism  
> I can't read, so have some typos...as a treat

Five was pulled up from where she fell on the floor, the room was spinning too much.

_When had the lights turned back on?_

Someone was holding her face and talking to her, but the words just got lost in the sound of the treadmill, the image of Van Ark chained to it.

“Five, Five look at me…Five!”

Five’s eyes focussed in on her face. She grabbed for her arm, hoping for something to ground her.

Sara smiled and took her hand.

“Five, listen to me,” she started, talking slowly, making her words over-pronounced. “Five…Woah woah, it’s okay, kiddo, you’re okay, come on listen to me.”

Five resolved herself to pay attention, squinting really hard to focus. Where had her glasses gone?

“Okay, Five Five, we don’t have much time. It’s all been for this. The Major died so he’d trust me, to get me close enough to inject him with that stuff. It will take away his healing powers, the doc’s sure of it, but it won’t take effect for a few hours.”

Sara helped Five to her feet, gripping her arm so much it hurt, the pain focussing her in on the present.

The major was dead.

Sara wasn’t the traitor.

Van Ark could die.

Okay, she needed to think, to focus, her brain really wasn’t lining up.

“In a minute or two, he’ll wake up mad as hell,” Sara gave her a wry smile, “and I’ve got to get to Paula for my blood treatment to stop me going grey. Five, here’s your headset.” She shoved the headset into Five’s hand and her pack at her feet.

It was still hers, with the new dinosaur sticker after the old one was snapped.

Five ran her thumb over the sticker.

“Five you need to get going,” Sara said. “Please.”

Five had never heard Sara plead before.

She swallowed back nausea, nodding dully.

“Where…where do I-,” she half croaked the words.

“Head back to Abel, fast as you can, I’ll be right behind.”

Five frowned. “I can…let me stay – with you, keep you-,”

“Safe?” Sara laughed. “Five you’re in no state to fight a kitten, I’ll be fine.”

Another frown. Another wry laugh.

“I promise, I’ll be right behind you.”

Hands shaking, Five put on the headset, pulling on the pack and letting Sara shove how out of the door.

“Two lefts, and a right,” Sara said. “Now go.”

Five ran.

* * *

“I just – Runner Three? When could he possibly have –? It seems so –! I never would have thought he was that kind of person.”

Sam scrunched up his face, trying very hard not to break his calm. Five nearly died. Again…Again.

He couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t keep waiting for Five to die.

“And Five is, I suppose?” Sam sneered.

Out of all those suspected, Five was the least likely. She hated Van Ark, she hated what he did to Archie, and Janine still thought so little of her.

“No, I just – why would he do it?”

“You thought it was going to be Runner Five, didn’t you?”

Janine held his gaze, her shoulders slumped. “I – yes. Yes, I did.”

“Yeah. I didn’t.”

He shouldn’t be cruel, he knew he shouldn’t, he tried to imagine how he would feel if it was Five. But, of course, it wasn’t, so he couldn’t stretch his brain to that point, he just couldn’t.

There was no way Five would have betrayed them.

But still, he shouldn’t be cruel, Simon’s actions must be agonising for Janine.

For him.

Well…Simon could be dead for all he cares.

“Well, now we have our answer.”, Janine crumpled a little, resting on her good arm. “Mister Skeet, we’ll return your lost child to you, that’s our priority. Five, I believe Runner Seven’s arms cache is now between your current position and Runner Three’s projected path. You might want to stop and pick up a few things. I expect they’ll come in useful.”

Sam blanched.

He muted their mic. “Five is in no conditio-,”

“Five is still running,” Janine said. “Besides, she is all we have, no other runner can make it in time.”

“Why do I get the feeling this is becoming a running theme with Five.”

Janine sighed. “Yes…well.”

* * *

The arms cache left by Evan made Five a little sick. He had so much, so damn much.

How could a man as kind of that be the kind of man who profited of war?

_How could Simon betray Abel?_

There was a lot of conflicting feelings, a lot of different thoughts bubbling up in Five’s head.

She was relieved it wasn’t Sara. Angry she was part of a plan with no foresight, pained from the torture, enraged at Simon, sad about Simon.

Everything was a lot, it was too much. It was a boiling pot bubbling over the brim and Five could only watch as things burn.

And all the while she just had one question.

_Where did I go wrong?_

Maybe if she had been kinder to Simon, made him feel more at home, more wanted her wouldn’t have-

Five pulled out a box from the cache.

A tone box, like the one Archie, had found. Smooth around the edges but with seems of black metal locking into place. Dials and switches lay on the cover, speakers on the sides.

Five stashed it in her pack as well as grabbing a pistol and a new knife. She needed to be as prepared as possible. She had to make this right.

“Right Five, come on let’s get going.”

* * *

The hoard following Five was growing steadily bigger. And all Sam could think about was how often Five stumbled.

_Bring her home. I need to bring her home._

Her figure on the cameras was grainy and the headcam kept fizzing out with the bad connection, but it was better than a night of listening to her laboured breathing.

Anything was better than that.

“Where’s Carena now?” Jamie spat.

“I – Runner Three still has her.” He said, flicking to the camera of Simon bolting through some frozen farmland. “Five is using the zombies to herd him westward and stop him getting to Van Ark, but-“

“Using that thing Arch figured out, yeah?” Jamie interrupted. Sam forgot how abrasive he could be. “Clever. But what’s to stop your runner just dropping Carena? Letting the zombs get her?”

Sam checked Nadia’s comm channel, they were still connected but she was busy navigating her runners. “New Canton are sending people out after him.”

“Nah, mate. That’s going to take too long.”

“I’ll stay with the other children.” Paula chirped in. Sam was a little miffed, when had Jamie ever been bothered about leaving the other kids alone anyway.

_When Simon kidnapped one._

“Runner Eight can take the bike to New Canton. Jamie, you can go after Three on foot. Get your daughter back.”

“No,” Sara said.

Five stumbled.

“She ain’t my daughter. I ain’t got a daughter. All I’ve got is them kids.”

Sara coughed. “You all know this is stupid! Jamie, take the bike. Go after Runner Three, get Carena back! I’ll continue to New Canton on foot.” She coughed again, a deep hacking thing. “I’ll be fine.”

They all knew that wasn’t true.

* * *

Five had started counting her steps. Anything to keep her from keeling over. Just anything.

_One_

_Two_

_Three_

_Four_

“He’s – has he dropped the child?” Janine announced.

Sam stuttered. “I think he’s hoping to distract the zombies.”

_One_

_Two_

_Three_

_Four_

_One_

_Two_

_Three_

_Four_

_Just keep moving, keep running, if you stop you’ll stop for good_

“Are we sure that won’t work? Do we know that all those zombies are under our control?” Janine asked.

Simon dropped the kid, Simon dropped the kid. Simon dropped the kid to save himself.

“No. No, we really don’t. Jamie, Runner Three’s taken a hard turn north, towards the church spire. And Runner Five, you need to get to Carena before the zombies can.”

Right, she had to run. That’s all she really had to do.

_One_

_Two_

_Three_

_Four_

* * *

Sam scrambled to get a camera on Simon and the others. Five skidded down to get Careena, scooping her up onto her hip and darting away from the horde.

“Get away! Get away from me, or I swear, I will kill you! You can’t make me go back to Abel. They’ll tell all sorts of lies about me, you know, Jamie!”

Simon let loose a spray of bullets. All missing Jamie by miles.

Five flicked a switch on the device and the horde stopped following her. Strangely, she made for Simon and not the fire station.

“You’ve always been a terrible shot, mate.”

“Mister Skeet, we want to bring Runner Three in for questioning. Even if all you say is true, he’s still -

Simon pointed the gun at Five and she froze, turning the kid away.

“I’ll take you back to Van Ark with me, Jamie, come on! You and me! I never meant to get anyone hurt. He can make us immortal, you know. Never die, not ever! Wouldn’t that be amazing, I mean, totally -

Jamie chuckled. Through Five’s cam, he could see him reaching into his pack and pulling out a bat. “Nah, mate. That’s not what it’s about. Didn’t no one ever tell you? That ain’t what life’s about at all.”

Simon turned to Five. “You know Archie and I were friends,” back to Jamie. He was frantic, manic, a cornered animal. How was this the same man who teased him about his crush, who gave him advice, who played card games with him and let him borrow his work out clothes?

“Jamie,” Simon pleaded.

It was a different man, something entirely different.

If someone like Simon could be the traitor, could make this switch so dramatically, could go from good to terrible so fast. What was to say others wouldn’t.

_Five wouldn’t._

No Five would never lie to him.

Never.

“I never meant all that to happen to her. Van Ark told me he just wanted to talk to her, and-,”

Jamie step forward, cocking his head when Simon took a shot at him, but the gun clicked empty.

“Archie was a good girl. She would have been forgiving. But I think about what happened to Jasper, and to Archie, and I’m not forgiving like her.”

The bat clocked Simon right across his temple, knocking him down to his knees.

He cried out.

Five didn’t move.

Another blow, right across his ribs.

Jamie spat on him and kicked him.

Five didn’t move.

“Just keep running, Five. You don’t-,” Jamie struck him again. “Just get that child home. Away from this.”

Five did as she was told, she turned and ran away.

* * *

The kid Five didn’t bother to learn the name off took Carena, shushing her and pulling her aside. Five really should learn the names of these kids.

She tightened the straps of her pack, and head towards the exit. Sara needed her, she should help Sara-

“Runner Five? Over here, quickly.”

Oh god. That tone

Five turned slowly, hoping, praying that she wouldn’t see it. It can’t be true it can’t.

“Five, I-,” Sara’s outstretched hand clenched, she descended into another coughing fit. It shook her whole body, a terribly destructive thing.

The ground scraped Fives knees.

Skin grey, eyes yellowed, she was turning, but she was alive. There’s still time.

“She didn’t get more than a hundred yards. Even if we’d had the bike, I don’t think she’d-,”

Sara grabbed at Fives hand, pulling her closer. “I always thought you’d be here to see me out, Five.”

Five shook her head. No, this wasn’t it, she wasn’t seeing her out.

Paula knelt down on Sara’s other side, taking her other hand. It shook, it was so frail. “We’re here. I have you.”

_Had Sara always been so small?_

Sara smiled, her grip tightening, eyes flicking to the gun on Five’s thigh. “You’re going to have to shoot me. Before too long.”

As Five nodded, Paula shook her head. “No! I-,”

More coughs, more of those horrid blood-filled coughs. “Don’t be an idiot. One-shot, clean through the temples. Last thing I want to do is to come back.”

Five started to unholster her weapon. Paula shook her head.

“It’s alright. I’ve worked with zombs long enough. Four small cuts to the nerves leading to the brain, and you’re done.” She motioned at Five’s knife. “Don’t – don’t worry. You’re in safe hands.”

That earned a laugh from Sara. “A good clean death, eh? That’s more than I thought I’d get when I let that zomb bite me.”

Five shuffled, moving closer to her, pulling her hand to her chest. Sara smiled.

“Is there really no chance? If Five gave her a piggy-back-,”

_Oh, Sam._

“It’s too late, Sam. It was too late the minute Van Ark smashed that machine.”

Five should have stayed with Sara, she shouldn’t have run home. She should have stayed, maybe then she could have stopped Van Ark maybe-

“What do you think, Paula? Afterlife - yes, or no?”

Sara’s eyes were trailed upwards like she was seeing something, Five was tempted to look, but she knew there was nothing there. It was hollow, empty. Nothing.

_Maybe Simon had a point._

Her breath hitched.

“I think you’ve done enough in this life, Sara,” Paula said. “I think you’ve lived a good life. I think you’ve done better than most. Better than me. Your legacy will live after you.”

Another laugh, a bloody Cheshire cat grin. “That’s no kind of answer at all.”

Sara pulled her hand away from Paula and thumbed for something on her neck. Nothing was there.

“I was raised a good Catholic girl.” She said, matter of factly. “I don’t know what to expect.”

_Nothing. It’s just nothing._

Sara would be gone.

“But I might see my boys again, I think I might.”

Her smile was softer, in a way Five had only seen it once before. Almost maternal.

The fogginess to Sara’s face resolved, she turned to Five, reaching out with her other hand to grab her shirt. “I’ve done what was right. That’s what life’s about when it comes down to it.” She nodded to herself. “Not sitting around. Knowing that you’ve used yourself to the full.”

Five covered Sara’s hand with hers, that seemed to give her some more strength, anyway Five could be of comfort.

“So I’m square. And you’d better send Van Ark right along after me, Five. I’ll be waiting for him.”

The coughs seemed to lodge in her throat, catch on the tongue and swallow back into another painful retch like something was trapped.

_She is._

Five cupped Sara’s face, pressing their heads together.

“Goodbye, Sara,” Five said.

Sara laughed, closing her eyes, she dragged in one last shaky breath. “That’s my Five.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter one more chapter! I'm gonna try and get it posted tonight, it's gonna happen it's going to happen!!!!  
> Thanks so much for reading  
> Stay Safe out there!


	39. Epic III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers For the end of season 2  
> CW: Mild sexual themes (don't worry it stops short of kissing...intensely), character death mention  
> I CANT READ, so I'm really sorry for spelling errors but hey ho, what can you do

It was frosty, winter had started to set in.

Wisps of breath left Five’s mouth, streaming up towards the sky, dancing on the gentle breeze.

It smelt like rain would be on them soon. The smell of dust when wet.

There was a word for it, Five was sure.

The day was cold, and Sara’s body was even colder.

Five knelt over the corpse, not really sure how she should react.

_Should I cry? Paula is crying. Even Sam is, and he didn’t really like her._

Five felt a little annoyed at that. How dare Paula cry, how dare she. Paula didn’t even know Sara and she was crying and Five wasn’t.

Paula didn’t deserve those tears.

If Five couldn’t cry for Sara then…who could Five cry for.

Five stashed her now bloody knife and stood, pulling out the tone device. She started to fiddle with it.

“Five what are you doing?” Paula started.

“Five?” Sam said, voice heavy with tears.

Five ignored them both, heading for the nearest group of zombies, a small pack some half a kilometre away. She was surprised they were so close to the station.

“Five come back,” Paula called. “Five!”

Five grit her teeth, ears still muffled, flicking between the tones and watching their reactions.

“Five this is a bad idea, we need to-,”

Five would have muted him if she could.

She didn’t care. She just wanted to destroy something.

“No Mister Yao, I think Five is onto something. Runner Five. If you start heading to the dead zone, we can use it against Van Ark whilst he’s still vulnerable.”

“Five has been through a lot, let her come home,” Sam said. “Please just…let her rest.”

“Runner Five understands that tactically now is the best time to attack Van Ark.”

Runner Five didn’t care, she just wanted him dead.

“Okay Runner Five, move out,”

* * *

There wasn’t a body. Or there was one but they wouldn’t let her see it. She couldn’t be sure, she just couldn’t be sure.

Not until she got to rip him limb from limb, not till she tore his throat out, not till she watched his heart cease to beat.

Firing a rocket launched just wasn’t as satisfying as watching the light leave their eyes.

Five shook.

It was dark and cold. It was bad.

Five felt bad.

She stopped running a while ago, taking to counting counting counting.

She just needed something to keep her mind away from…from everything.

Five stumbled through the gates, waves of pain still wreaking havoc through her body. She could feel herself getting weaker, more sluggish, whatever it was that was in her system burning her veins. She wondered if Paula could tell her what he had done.

Five wobbled.

The gates closed behind her and Five barely had the strength to toss her bag into the bucket.

She could hear chatter further in Abel, the sounds of excitement and music.

Five just wanted to sleep.

“Runner Five.” Should she be worried about how she could see two Janine’s right now? “You did good work today, in honour of your achievements I have allowed for celebrations tonight.”

Five stared at Janine, Janine looked about as tired as she felt. Her arm was still bound with a makeshift splint.

“Where’s Sara?” She signed.

Janine reached for her broken arm. “She was brought in an hour ago, do you want to-,”

“No.”

Janine blinked. “Okay…will you attend the celebrations?”

Five wanted to scream.

Of course, she bloody didn’t. She was in pain, she was tired, and exhausted and sad and Sara was dead because she wasn’t fast enough and Simon had betrayed them because she wasn’t a good enough friend and it wasn’t fair that she didn’t get to rip Van Ark apart limb from limb, and no, she didn’t want to party like everything was fucking fine. Because nothing was fine. Nothing was ever bloody fine.

Five shrugged.

“I understand you will not be feeling up to it,” Janine said. “I am certainly not, but there is a level of presentation one must give in order to maintain…morale.”

Five was about to argue but Janine raised her hand to cut her off. “You have become somewhat of a public figure in Abel now Five, you are a person of authority whether you like it or not, this responsibility placed upon you now is not your choice, but your duty, and as a person of authority, you will find that in order to be good at it, to deserve the respect you are now given, you must act in ways that go against your personal wishes.”

“That’s bullshit,” Five signed.

“It’s not…think about it, if the other runners see you moping around, they also feel unhappy. I know you already noticed this,” Janine said. “You are smart enough to know this.”

“I’m tired, Janine.”

“As am I, and I believe me and you are the only ones here tonight that truly understand how tired the other is, but you have a duty now Five, I hope you don’t fail it.”

Five bowed her head. “It’s not fair.”

“It rarely is,” she sighed. “The party isn’t for a few hours, you have free access of my house till then, get cleaned up, eat something, if you need, I have some painkillers to help with…things, but you should attend,”

“Is that an order?”

“It’s a suggestion, from a friend,” Janine said. “Go on…I’ll tell Mister Yao where you are, he’ll be asking for you as he so often does.”

Five chuckled. “He’s too good.”

“Yes.” Janine put a hand on Five’s shoulder. “As are you.”

And with that, she walked away.

Five rode out another wave of pain, too tired to care about what that interaction meant. She snuck her way to the billet, grabbing some clean clothes and her shower bag, not really wanting to see anyone yet.

Simons room had already been trashed, his stuff pulled out and thrown into the mud, no one wanted to own anything that belonged to the traitor.

Five noticed her bed had been slept in, which was a little surprising, she thought Sam would sleep in his room when she wasn’t there.

It took every ounce of willpower she had not to collapse onto her bed and instead drag her ass to the farmhouse.

Janine had been good enough to let her use it, she wasn’t going to waste it. A warm shower was a warm shower.

Five stumbled up to the bathroom, turning the water on as hot as possible.

The time between the waves of pain kept shortening, and Five was struck with the fear of what was going to happen when there was no time between them. She knew deeply it wasn’t going to be pleasant.

She pulled off her clothes, some of them sticking to her through sweat or blood or dirt or whatever else she didn’t care about, tossing them into a pile in the corner. She nearly slipped climbing into the shower, and she laughed.

If she died in the shower after that then that would be fucking hilarious.

Time passed, she wasn’t aware of how much. She had a few hours, she could use the few hours.

It was nice to just stop for a moment. To not have to think or worry or feel.

A knock on the door.

“Five, you’ve been in there a while, are you okay?” Sam asked.

Five opened her mouth to call back. She chocked.

“Okay, I realised that was a dumb question, uh…I’m going to be in the kitchen, come find me,” he paused. “Please.”

Five rested her head on the wall, the water hitting the nape of her neck, she cried out, another wave of pain hitting, almost slipping over.

She grit her teeth, trying very hard to ride this one out, it pulsed, thrumming in her skull, her chest, her heart. It hurt so goddamn much, and she didn’t know what to do. She just wanted it to stop.

_What do I do?_

Five found herself scrambling for something, unsure what was needed of her.

What do they need her to do?

Find Sam, that was something she could do. That was something she could choose to do.

Five finished washing up, got dressed, but was too tired to braid her hair back so she just rubbed a towel over it for a few seconds before giving up, sitting down on the edge of the bath, letting the water drip from her hair onto her clean shirt and jeans, towel in her hand realising that this was the exact same place when Sara had gave her the little speech about doing what was right.

When Five had gotten stabbed.

Five stared down at her arm, running her fingers along the scar seeing it shift with the movement of her muscles.

And her hands, that’s what was weird, her hands were shaking again. Worse than before, they were trembling, even with the tightest grip on her towel, they shook.

“Come on,” Five muttered to herself. “Stop it.”

She grit her teeth. “Just fucking stop it.”

They continued to shake.

“Please stop.”

They didn’t.

Another knock. “Five?”

Five hunched, tightening her grip on the towel, not sure what to do.

Sam tried the door, pushing it open. “Five, I’m coming in don’t be-,”

He spotted her.

God what a sorry sight she must be, sat on the edge of a bathtub, clutching a towel, hair drenched and clothes half on.

What a shameful thing she was.

“Oh Five.” He knelt in front of her. “Oh god please don’t cry.”

When had she started crying? She didn’t even have the energy to raise a hand to her face to check, she just curled in tighter.

“Okay, hey let me take this,” he took the towel from her.

He took the towel from her.

Five was sad he took the towel from her.

“Right let’s dry your hair first huh?”

Sam put the towel on her hair and started to pat it dry, far more gently than anyone ever did with her hair when she was a child. She could hear him talking, but really nothing was registering anymore, not until he removed the towel, and started looking for a comb.

He found one, and a couple of bobbles and climbed into the bath behind her, combing her hair back. “Now it has been a very long time since I’ve done this, but I think I remember how to do a French plait.” He said, trying to get out a knot in her hair. “I used to do my sister's hair a lot, mum would usually have early shifts, so she taught me how to do it for her, dad was far too uncoordinated to do it. You can tell where I get that from.”

He started to part her hair, then he hummed. “Hey, did you know you have a white streak at the back of your head?”

Five shook her head.

“Huh, that’s cool,” he said, tying off one side of the hair with a bobble.

She tuned him out again as he chattered away not really able to keep her attention focussed. She heard him ask some questions, but she was too busy trying not to show she was in pain to hear. Once the pain subsided, she made more of an effort to listen. He deserved more, but she wasn’t sure she could give him more.

Could she be enough?

Sam tied off the first braid and moved onto the second one. “You know, today marks the exact anniversary of when you did that run to Bert Airfield,” he said. “You really didn’t like me before then.”

Five turned to look at him.

He smiled. “Hey, it’s okay, I didn’t really like you before that run either, so you can say we’re even.”

She turned back. “Surprised you like me now.” She said quietly.

Sam made a noise Five couldn’t place. “I like you Five, a lot.”

She was finding that hard to believe. Five didn’t like Five, and she was her.

She hunched her shoulders.

Sam tied off the second braid, shuffled behind her, the bathtub squeaking, then wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. “You should be kinder to yourself.”

Five laughed, but leaned into the hug, needing this connection, this grounding.

Sam patted the side of her head and stood, letting go, Five almost whimpered at the loss of contact, but Sam was just climbing out of the bath to sit on the edge beside her, his socks and knees wet.

He put his hand on hers. “I’m glad you’re here, Five. I thought…I thought we were gonna lose you again. I- I can’t keep thinking I’m gonna lose you, it hurts, every time something goes wrong, I’m so close to panicking and it really really hurts. And I know it’s selfish, and I know you can’t stop being a runner, but please, believe me, it would kill me if you died. I like you Five, a lot, more than a lot, don’t ever think I don’t.” 

Five chuckled to herself, she squeezed his hand. “Don’t worry, Sammy,” she said slowly, trying hard not to stammer as she spoke. “I am just too pretty for god to let me die.”

_Oh no._

Sam’s expression was not what she was hoping for, She was hoping to make him smile, she loved his smile. But he didn’t, he just gave her an incredulous look.

Five looked down at her bare feet, tapping her toe on the floor

“Sorry, probably, not the best t-time is-,”

Sam removed his hand from hers.

She thought she really screwed it up, that Sam no longer wanted to hold her.

 _Oh fuck_.

Before she could apologise again, he cupped her face and pressed his mouth to hers.

It was sloppy as far as kisses went. And Sam appeared to be in the throngs of two very conflicting emotions if the tears were anything to go by, and kissing on the edge of a bathtub wasn’t exactly the best, but then Five realised she didn’t care and that really, she was desperate to kiss him back and she should just stop overthinking bloody everything.

He went to pull away, he started to breathe the word sorry. So, Five kissed him deeper.

She raised a hand to the back of his head, pulling him closer, running her fingers through his hair. At first, they were both tentative, both terrified they would ruin it for the other, both scared of doing something wrong. They held each other like fragile glass, like something to be protected, to be treated with the utmost care, less one of them break.

Five didn’t want Sam to break, she wanted to make him happy, to show him that he was cared for too, but she couldn’t take this light vulnerability, she couldn’t take the softness. Five had spent far too long not letting herself feel anything, too afraid a simple touch would burn her alive. She wanted to feel this, and if she caught fire, so be it.

She pressed closer to him, trailing her hand down the back of his neck, the ache in her growing the harder he kissed her back. It was no longer something emotional, it was something sacred.

They stopped caring about being scared. The kiss became more fevered, more frantic, his hand slid down her face and to her waist, tugging her closer.

Five could do one better. She pulled herself onto his lap, straddling across his legs, having him tilt his head back to kiss up at her, resting her arms over his shoulders.

She cradled his face in her hands, despite the fact they were lined up together, that their bodies fit so nicely, there was still a space between them, a hollow gap. Five deepened the kiss, turning her head slightly, earning a little moan from Sam.

She giggled into his mouth. Sam seemed to like that, he started trailing his hands up her spine and Five nearly melted. This was what she wanted, to be held, to be enough for someone, anyone. God, she hoped she was enough.

The pain hit.

Five pulled away, grit her teeth, gripping onto the collar of his hoodie.

“Five?” Sam said, breathless. “Five are you okay?”

She pressed her forehead to his. “It hurts,” she said. “The serum.”

He pulled back and looked her over. “Maybe the making out should have waited until after you don’t feel like death.”

She laughed. “No way,” she said through gritted teeth, determined to get the joke out. “It would have sucked so much if you waited.”

Sam beamed at that. “Wait so you liked it?”

Five raised an eyebrow at him. “Samuel, darling, I’m literally sat on your lap.”

Sam looked her up and down, the smuggest grin on his face. “Yes, you are.”

She smiled back but the pain hit again, and she started crying despite herself.

He raised a hand to her cheek, and Five swore it wasn’t the pain that made her nearly blackout. She rested her hand over his, turning to gently kiss his palm.

“It’s been a shit day huh?” He said.

She nodded, taking his hand and holding it in her lap, laughing through her tears. She tried to pull herself together, smiling when her tears wouldn’t stop. Until she eventually stopped trying to hide the fact she was crying and raised a hand to her eyes.

He squeezed her other hand. “Five, it’s okay.”

She shook her head, pressing her forehead to his again. Sniffling between tears. “Can we just stay here and wait for the pain to stop?” She whispered, not just talking about whatever the serum was doing to her body.

Sam ran his hand over the line of her waist. “They brought Sara in, she’s going to be cremated.”

She barked a laugh, though there was no humour behind it. “Sounds like fun.”

“You tired?”

She nodded.

“We don’t have to go to the party,” he said, “We could just hide in my room, watch a movie, eat lots of good food, maybe cuddle a bit.”

Five pressed a kiss to his forehead. “No…no we should…I should,” She started to stammer again, and it was getting harder to line up her words. “Morale and all that.”

“So, you don’t want to cuddle?” he said, sound dejected.

“Stop you’re making me want to ditch the party.”

Sam made an unhappy noise but didn’t disagree.

“Okay then…food, you haven’t eaten in two day,” Sam said.

Five didn’t move.

“Five…you kind of need to get off me,” he said.

“I don’t want too,” she said, pressing her cheek to his.

“Cute…but you need to eat, come on,” he patted her thighs, helping her get to her feet. God Five wished it hadn’t ended. Of course, all good things do.

* * *

Sam couldn’t stop looking at Five. Not only she was alive, but she kissed him back, she kissed him back. He kept repeating it to himself. She kissed him back.

Even now as she sat on the kitchen counter and Sam cooked up some porridge for her he couldn’t believe that it happened. Sure, a lot of really bad shit happened today. But Five had kissed him back, and he couldn’t come down from that high.

“You’re dancing,” she signed.

“I’m happy,” he said.

She smiled at that, but it didn’t fully reach her eyes. God, he wished she didn’t have to suffer.

Sam bowled up her food, using some of the jam the farm had made, carrying to bowl over to her.

She gave him a kiss as thanks.

Sam couldn’t get over that.

She was freely kissing him. He had been so scared when he first kissed her that he had been rash. He just saw the look on her face, the way she tried for a joke to cheer him up, the fact that she had been so oblivious to him saying he liked her more than two times, the being alive part. He just had to kiss her. And he was so scared, and he pulled away, ready to apologise, and she kissed him back.

She kissed him back.

“Sam, you’re staring,” she said, setting the bowl of food on the counter beside her.

“I can’t help you’re so pretty,” he teased.

Five bowed her head, trying to hide her smile. Happy he flustered her enough he kissed her again. It was supposed to be a short thing, sweet and gentle. But he couldn’t help it, Sam sunk into it, running his hands down her legs, humming as the kiss got deeper. It took a lot of effort to pull away, slightly breathless, a little drunk on the feeling.

“Eat,” Sam said, grabbing the bowl and putting it in her lap then he wandered away, filling up the kettle to make tea.

Even in his state of joy, he still noticed Five hardly touch her food, he was about to reprimand her when the door creaked open.

“Runner Five, get down from the counter if you please,” Janine said. “Mister Yao.”

Sam waved, keeping half an eye of Five as she staggered to the kitchen table. “Janine. Would you like some tea?”

She stared at him for a moment. “Yes, I think I would.” Janine looked over the bowl of food Five left on the counter, picked it up and placed it in front of Five without so much as a word.

Five stared down at it as if she thought her cunning plan of leaving food on the counter would work.

“How you doing, Janine?” Sam asked.

She leaned against the counter, folding her casted arm under her good one. “I am well.”

“Huh,” Sam said, pouring out the hot water. Five started tapping the edge of her bowl with her spoon. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she snapped. “Two sugars please.”

“Two, that’s wild for you,” Sam said, making the tea. “Living on the edge?”

“Well, it has been a stressful day…Five if you don’t stop playing with your food, I will force-feed it to you myself.”

The spoon Five had been tapping on the edge of the bowl stopped.

Sam gave Janine her tea and sat down next to Five, putting their tea on the table next to each other.

He put his hand on Five’s thigh and motioned for her to eat.

Janine stared at them. “Is this stupid bet going to finally be over?”

Sam bristled. “What bet?”

“The one that has people putting valuable supplies on the line to figure out when you two will finally admit you like each other,”

Five chocked on her porridge.

“There was a bet!” Sam yelled.

Janine smiled behind her tea, eyes flicking to his hand on Five’s thigh. “Not anymore apparently.” Janine head for the door. “The party is starting in an hour, Five, those painkillers are under the sink, take two.”

The door closed behind them.

Sam turned to Five. “There was a bet?”

* * *

The party was rowdy, really rowdy, Sam didn’t think he’d seen the people of Abel let loose so much.

He was already a little wine drunk, and Five was acting a tad ditsy. She gave him a mischievous look, took his hand and pulled him away from the rabble of the party behind one of the billets, pressing him up against the wall and covering his mouth with hers.

Immediately he was grateful for the wall, it was the only thing keeping him standing as Five pressed into him, palms splayed on his chest, lips against his.

Five was like lighting, she was bright, jolting, and impossible to ignore, making him feel every touch, ever press, ever movement. She slid her hands down his shirt and up under it, palms pressed to his bare skin. Sam felt a little self-conscious for a brief moment worried she wouldn’t like what was under the shirt, that worry quickly faded when she deepened the kiss, hands drifting around to the base of his spine.

The touch ran from the base of his spine up his neck, like electricity.

Like lighting.

Sam gripped the nape of her neck, pulling her closer, feeling her melt into him, very grateful that the wall meant she could put most of her weight on him. She pulled back from the kiss, instead, placing on on the edge of his lips, then his chin, down his jaw to the soft skin of his neck.

Sam gasped, tightening his grip on the back of her neck. She pulled back.

“Is that okay?” she asked quietly, a little panicked.

Sam blinked, taking a moment to actually think again. “Uh..yeah…no objections from me.”

God, she was so pretty.

“What? Sam, you’re staring again.”

Sam kissed her. “You’re so lovely.” He said, kissing her again.

Five laughed into his mouth, and Sam near on blacked out, the noise intoxicating.

“Oh, fuck sorry!”

They both looked up, Jack was stood at the end of the row of billets, holding a bottle of wine.

Sam had never seen him so shocked.

He stomped his foot. “Shit…I can’t believe I lost the bet,” he said, “You guys couldn’t have waited until Christmas?”

Sam didn’t know how to respond, he was still pressed up against a wall with Five’s hands up his shirt, how could he even phrase a response right now.

Jack just waved his hand and waddled off, mumbling something about lost chocolate.

“He’s gonna tell everyone,” Sam said.

Five frowned. “Do you want to keep it a secret?”

“No,” Sam said. “I just…do you?”

She thought about it. “It makes me uncomfortable, but that’s a me problem.”

“It makes you uncomfortable?”

“Not in a bad way, more…I’m not used to it.”

“Oh?”

She sighed. “The being vulnerable thing.”

“Right…yeah…sorry, it’s taking a while for my brain to catch up.”

Five smirked. “And you’re not the one high of pain meds.”

“You’re high?”

“Janine had some reeeeeaaallly strong stuff.”

Sam chuckled. “You’re a high Five.”

Five kissed him again. “You’re so dorky.”

“You love it.”

As if to prove a point, Five pinned him back against the wall, slipping her tongue into his mouth. Sam had become pure putty.

It was too good for words, Sam wished it never had to end. But all good things do.

* * *

It was nice, to stand with Sam’s arm around her waist whilst they listened to Janine’s speech, not afraid that she was being too obvious about the crush.

News spread quickly. Really fucking quickly. It seems Abel was deprived of good gossip, and Five was grateful for the pain meds Janine had let her have because she was pretty sure if she was sober, Five would be panicking about everyone knowing right now.

Sam was very sweet about it, he said they can talk later when things had calmed down and emotions weren’t so high, and they had some privacy because after Jack spotted them Maxine was on them like a hawk asking question after question both of them had yet to answer.

Sam suggested that maybe they wait till it was quiet and they were sober. Five was inclined to agree, even if it meant they had to put an end to the making out.

She pressed tighter to Sam.

The pain was starting to settle in again, and she hoped that after the speech she could slip away to pass out in peace, Janine surely didn’t expect her to stay up all night.

Five had been tortured a second time after all.

And despite the joy, Sara was still dead.

Sara was still dead.

Five curled in on herself, tuning out the rest of the speech. She noticed Sam pull her closer, giving quips back to Janine between worried glances.

She was going to ruin him.

The crowd raised their glasses and mugs and jars and other drinking utensils.

Five raised hers.

“To the fallen, and to freedom.”

The crowd drank.

Five couldn’t bring herself to join in the cheer.

Sam nudged her arm, nodding at Paula stumbling over, Maxine’s hand laced in hers.

“Five, we wanted to tell you particularly - we’re grateful for all the sacrifices,” Paula said, giving Five a bright smile.

Five smiled back, squeaking when Maxine pulled her into a hug “We are. Five,” She pulled away, hand on her shoulder, looking over the quad. “Looks like you have half the room doing the Running Man with you, now.”

Sam snorted. “Oh my God,” he was very drunk. “Jack and Eugene! Oh, just look at them move! Now, Five-,”

A high pitched tone whirred through the speakers. Long and whining.

Janine shot up from her seat at the edge, all serious again. “What on earth is that, Yao? Is this some kind of joke?” She looked at Sam.

Sam shrugged. “I’ve never - Maxine, have you ever heard this before?”

Maxine’s grip on Five’s arm grew tighter, her nails digging into Five’s skin.

“Where is it coming from? How have they tapped into our speakers from outside the base?”

Paula leaned closer to Maxine’s face. Concern growing. “Maxine? Maxine, what’s wrong, darling?”

Maxine’s face was blank, completely removed of feeling or expression, stood as still as a statue.

Sam stepped back from Five, peering around the quad. “Look, Runner Thirteen’s standing stock-still, too, like Maxine. And Runner Nineteen, and Ed. They all dropped their glasses at the same moment.”

It had to go wrong, something had to go wrong.

Paula cupped Maxine’s face. “Maxine, look at me, darling.”

Maxine let go of Five’s arm, shoving Paula aside and walking away. “Maxine, darling, stay here! You can’t walk away now!”

Sam started pulling at his hair. “They’re all – they’re walking to the gates. No, we have to stop them.”

Paula grabbed Maxine’s hand, pulling her back. “Stop! Sweetheart, Maxine, stop! I won’t let you. Look, I’ve got you, you can’t-,” Maxine struck Paula hard across the face, knocking her to the floor. “Maxine, what’s happening? What’s?”

Sam ran forward. “I don’t understand.”

It was getting loud, people yelling, panicked, drunk and tired and scared.

“Someone shut the gates. They can’t possibly -

The gate busted open, and they all started to jog away.

Paula got to her feet. “We can’t let them get away. We don’t know where they’re going. Maxine! Maxine! Maxine!”

Maxine disappeared out into the dark, along with the other residents, breaking into a full-on sprint.

“Five, Four get after them.”

Five wasn’t in her running gear, and she was already shaking from the pain.

She looked around for Jody, stumbling by the fire, too drunk to run.

Five grabbed a torch and ran after them.

Strides made the pain worse. Moving made it agonising.

Five cried out, her legs giving out, she stumbled, tripping over her own feet, landing hard on the earth.

Five tried to stand, but she cried out again, the pain having barely more than a few moments between the waves. Of course, the painkillers would ware of now. Of course they would.

Five grit her teeth and stood, running after Maxine, grabbing at her arm.

Five was punched square in the temple, the world ringing around her. She tried to get up, but the pain brought her down.

She crawled, limbs shaking, head pounding.

“Five, stop!” Sam said, falling to his knees beside her, gripping her arms. “Stop, they’re gone…they’re gone.”

Five watched them fade into the woods, disappearing into the night. 

She went to stand but the pain struck again, and she cried out.

She felt feverish, sickly, her whole body on edge. And it hurt, oh god whatever Van Ark gave her hurt.

Sam held her to his chest, stroking her hair, shushing her. She slowly drifted, hearing Sam call for medical aid, then returning to his calming mantra. As she faded, Five realised that she had failed again.

Despite all the good she finally got, and the bad she had to slug through, Five still failed. Five still hadn’t been good enough, she hadn’t been fast enough, she hadn’t been strong enough. She would never be enough, and for that, she failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah....that's the end  
> Um  
> Look please don't be mad, I'm just doing what S2S did by having a small happy ending then ruining it. I'm following the source material.
> 
> Anyway. Some people have asked if I'm going to do season three, and yes I will, season three is my favourite and I have set up some plot stuff in this fic for a season three fic. I'm not done torturing my poor Five just yet.  
> However, I am taking a break from ZR fics to do NaNoWriMo and work on my book (if you wanna follow that you can read it here as I post over the month - https://www.wattpad.com/story/244409709-the-colour-of-ash - it's about sapphic pirates)
> 
> anyway thank you so much for sticking it out this long, I loved writing this so much, and I can't wait to write the season three fic in December!
> 
> Okay so yes, thank you so much for reading.  
> Stay safe out there!!!


End file.
